Dave Chappelle: The Closer Edit

A Black gay person would have never done that to me.

A couple of more drinks and these fellows are gonna start

A human being, that believes in equal rights for women.

A lot of people in the trans community were furious with me and

A matter of fact, a matter of fact,

A mouth is a mouth.

A ****a came up to me on the street the other day.

A real talk, that was a silly movement.

A warm wet mouth."

About all these jokes I'd said in the last few years

Ain't nobody around here."

Ain't that something?

Ain't that weird? "My people this, my people that."

All "H" words. "Hi, how are you?"

All I ask from your community, with all humility

All naked hippies, all the time.

All of the same things she had said to me, about me in the paper.

All of them questions that you think about that you'd be afraid to ask,

All the questions you might have had

All the White women asked Sojourner Truth not to speak.

All these years, I thought it meant frumpy dyke.

An old White lady This is true,

And a guy in the back of the room stood up

And a lot of people might disagree with me

And a woman came up to me, and she goes

And after that, she could do no wrong.

And all he says, it's very nice, he said,

And all I did, I texted. I said,

And all of them would be like "Let's all go to the Golden Globes

And all that I ask for in return...

And all the motherfuckers was like, "Hurrah!"

And all these women actresses came after me.

And as she puts the picture away

And as she was shaking my hand, her face turned mean, like her mom's.

And as she's telling me this, I'm thinking, this woman is so sweet.

And as soon as I open my car door I hear a voice go,

And at the end of the show, I go, "Well, Daphne" I said

And before the applause gets to it's crescendo

And by then,

And clearly I said, "This is what is happening."

And Daphne stole the room, she had everyone cracking up.

And Daphne's hair was dyed blonde at the time

And decide that they want to claim the Earth for their very own.

And do you know, sir,

And employed tactics that were so cruel

And eventually I forgot about it.

And everybody in the bar likes me, so I make a big show of it

And Footlocker and all the places I like to go?"

And get a video of you embarrassing yourself.

And get you to say something stupid or dumb

And give these men a piece of our minds."

And give those people what they came to see."

And go "Hey everybody, I am going to buy everyone in the bar a round of drinks."

And he farmed this plot of land very successfully

And he has a White speaking voice.

And he is a strong dude.

And he is not pride parade gay either, he is sad gay.

And he just followed the roadmap of successful people.

And he started barking on me, but I stood my ground, I wasn't scared.

And he texted me right back

And hope for the best.

And I am in a restaurant in Ohio, very nice restaurant.

And I am thinking, "Man these motherfuckers are in a lot of trouble."

And I called her myself,

And I cannot believe that someone

And I don't know what the trans community did for her

And I found out, she was survived by a daughter.

And I gave the Fight Club look.

And I go, "I'm in San Francisco."

And I grab the picture and this is all I say, this is all I say,

And I hate to say this, but there was a lot of videos

And I hope to negotiate the release of DaBaby.

And I kept on rocking, and she kept on talking to me.

And I know him, and he doesn't.

And I know you probably heard on the news, I did get coronavirus.

And I looked at her, tears came out of her eyes

And I looked at them gay Black dudes, like.

And I looked back and sure enough there she was, that face.

And I pushed her off violently, 'cause I'm transphobic.

And I remember, the late great Paul Mooney was there

And I said "Phew."

And I said, "Oh my God, you are a woman."

And I said, "Shut up, bitch! Shut the fuck up!"

And I saw her show. Something bad happened to her.

And I saw it coming from yesterday, so I slipped it like this...

And I saw...

And I softened my posture

And I started a trust fund for her daughter

And I texted him right back. "New phone, who this?"

And I think to myself, "Oh, this bitch does know who I am."

And I turned around to everybody in the bar

And I want every member of the community to know

And I want to be like a Stonewall ****a.

And I want to try that glory hole out.

And I wanted to do a show.

And I was doing some transgender jokes in Oakland, it was 16 years ago.

And I was her hero.

And I was just being reciprocally nice.

And I was sitting in the room

And I was wondering if you'd open the show?"

And I would keep a pile of dirt, right next to the stage.

And I would like to start by addressing the LBGTQ community, correct.

And I would only hire girls with long titties

And I'd be embarrassed to tell 'em the truth.

And I'll just try to give you some pointers

And I'm cool with her now, but boy, that shit got on my nerves.

And I'm gonna tell you the truth, and don't get freaked out.

And I'm happy you're well and I hope everyone you love is okay.

And I'm in a totally different bar

And I'm not exaggerating, young man. That show was terrible.

And I'm sitting there, trying to be polite.

And if they did that,

And it got on my nerves because, whenever someone says that to me

And it is almost exactly what she said.

And it made me think of an idea for a movie.

And it started making me nuts, 'cause I would just sit in the room

And it turns out, and this is true...

And it was a great night.

And it was during Covid, and a woman came to our table

And it was something else.

And it's that there was a Black man who was in South Carolina

And jumps off and kills herself.

And just gave me the business.

And left $50 million on the bus and walked.

And left the Earth thousands of years ago.

And long vagina head that looks like they slept on it.

And looked at the crowd like a gangster. Man, you should have seen her work.

And made a lot of money, and this is where the story gets crazy.

And ****as always ask me like,

And nobody would get fed to Harvey Weinstein.

And none of my friends would go with me.

And not only that, the motherfucker was huge.

And now I got to tell you

And now I was in trouble

And now she's about to open a show for what many call the GOAT.

And now we get to the core of the crisis.

And now, we're right back to square one, aren't we?

And one night after one of the shows I met her.

And see if you can work this thing out."

And she didn't even look all the way back.

And she didn't say anything back, all she said was

And she grabbed me real tight, hugged me, squeezed me.

And she pulls a real live, meaty dick out!

And she said, "Do you mind, not punching down on my people?"

And she said, "Well, I think "

And she sounds just like a man when she does it.

And she texted me back, and this is a real text, she said...

And she told me all the great things you're doing in Hollywood.

And she was alone, and she was older, and that made me feel sad,

And she was answering them and her answers were funny as shit.

And she was like, "Fuck, yeah."

And she was maskless, and this bitch came over, no mask,

And she was very gracious.

And she was with, two big, buff, gay Black dudes.

And she would be there, white trans woman, laughing

And shockingly, they're making a movie about him.

And Sojourner Truth's Black ass showed up.

And suddenly a woman

And that one bothered me a lot, I was driving home,

And the bartender knew I was drunk, so she pulled me aside.

And the crowd stood up.

And the dude was shocked that I said it. He said "Huh?"

And the guy screamed out, and his energy felt wild as fuck.

And the hardest thing for a person to do

And the moment I found that out, and this is true

And the only other person in the bar is a woman, a couple of stools down.

And the only reason I say that