Broad City - Season 1 Edit

A buncha weed heads.

A clump of my hair just fell out actually.

A felf shell.

A la Bethenny Frankel.

A manly handcrafted axe,

A new veneer costs $1,400.

A real relationship boyfriend girlfriend?

A shelf fell.

A slim pug.

A week to get to the center of one of these bad boys.

Ab, I'm becoming a mogul a la Jay Z, a la Martha Stewart,

Abbi actually tried really hard to get your package today.

Abbi really doesn't like it when I have friends over.

Abbi would love it.

Abbi, are you okay?

Abbi, I didn't mean for you to go through so much trouble.

Abbi, I'm going to take care of this for you.

Abbi, it's fine.

Absolutely, sir, that's what we do best.

Across the room.

After you have kids. Totally.

Ah, the American way.

Ah.

All of that potato salad.

All right, back on that bench, let's go!

All right, hit the showers.

All right, I'll see y'all later.

All right, let's wheelbarrow, come on.

All right, love you too.

All right, peace. Later, Judith.

All right, so what is this?

All right, so where were we?

All right, sweet.

All right, you want your ass tight for reunion or what?

All right.

All right. But I'll see you guys later?

All that hair.

All the dogs are off by one.

Always!

Am I naming my own price here,

Am I thin?

Amazing, okay.

And all your socks and you need to get out.

And do ocean noises in your ear to relax you

And get home in a tight 95 'cause the G ain't runnin'.

And he's sanding down your headboard shirtless.

And I couldn't flush it.

And I kind of want you to handle that.

And I like that my eyes are really big and brown.

And I see you try and you try and you try

And I tell him,

And I think you will enjoy yourself as well.

And I was just wondering if you...

And I'm gonna stop gettin'

And I'm in that mouth on a regular basis.

And I'm just free to do whatever happens.

And if so, does dog hemorrhoid cream work

And it's because it's mine.

And it's very hard for me to say.

And mail it out yourself.

And now I am a literal monster.

And now I have this great big humongous boner.

And she said that it's not where you would expect it to be.

And tell it to the toe!

And tell them to drop it off here.

And that explains it.

And that is star of Ugly Betty

And that's pretty much it.

And that's why yours never works.

And the day after that, all day.

And the one earlier about prosthetic balls.

And then I accidentally swallowed that piece of cheese,

And then I come back here during the day

And then I didn't... I don't think I said anything.

And then jump right into an ice bath.

And then you just gotta veg.

And then you're going to have to pretend to be him.

And there is literally no safer place.

And there was this woman there and she was eating all this

And there's a lot of stuff happening.

And they gave us potato salad half off.

And they have their own odor.

And transfer to the M83 bus to the water taxi.

And we're just laughing and sipping on champagne

And we're seeing heavy debris

And Who's the Boss?

And who's your competition?

And you know what a grown up woman really does?

And you're chilling with me all day.

And, you know, the vaya nya is nature's pocket.

Any kind of gland, any kind of mucal cavity, okay?

Anyway, here's the keys.

Anyway, look, when a call comes in, just check the database,

Apparently, I have been smoking this tainted weed

Are you asking me if I'd make love with that dog?

Are you kidding me?

Are you okay?

Are you the secret dumper, brown eyes?

Arrangement we have now is cool

As someone he can trust with his mail.

As these wind speeds increase, it is critical

Awesome...

Because he said he owes me one.

Because I can't even handle this.

Because I don't technically live here.

Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons never expire.

Before I would have a kid, you know?

Before this is over.

Bevers, calm down.

Black people don't make out with dogs.

Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam!

Blam, blam, blam, blam!

Blowing from construction sites.

Boom, you're there. Thank you, I guess?

Brody's my dog.

But Abbi, promise me you'll watch from the beginning, okay?

But because I hadn't paid my last ticket

But don't tell Melody. Tell Melody what?

But first, I'm going to take my top o' the morning dump to you.

But I know the trick to gettin' right to it.

But I won't make out with you.

But I'm feeling really feverish now.

But I'm heading upstate today to pick up some

But we ran into like a pickle, wall

But when I'm not home, feel free to answer the door.

But when we're home, we're home and we...

But where do we get three through eight? (Abbi) Dude, I don't know.

But you have to hear me out.

But you're obviously going to work, so.

But, uh, I don't care.

But, you ever thought what it would be like to be in a

Bye.

C'mon, hurry up, bitch.

C'mon.

Calm down, Bevers.

Camp was rough.

Camp was the best.

Can I get a bite of that P sal?

Can you grab me some more wine just to top it off?

Can you just like, look the other way this time?

Can't even do chores around the house!

Cha chang, cha chang!

Champion!

Cheese.

Cherish!

Chicken!

Come on out here, boy.

Come on out!

Come on, Brody!

Come on, everybody try to lift me.

Computer's not on.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool... Come in.

Could just use the recycling bin.

Could sign for a package for me that I'm expecting.

Crazy things happening right now.

Crazy.

Danny was the coolest counselor ever.

Day after that, all day.

Dealt with how my parents' divorce affected my overall,

Details a lot of the workplace policies.

Did I?

Did you hear that?

Do I smell potato salad?

Do you grant me permission

Do you guys have dog Xanax?

Do you have 70 bucks to pay the driver?

Do you mind if I take off my shirt?

Do you mind if I talk to Lincoln for a second?

Do you want the pizza or not?

Doc? Yeah?

Does it go through the bag?

Don't feel bad.

Don't have to figure out what your talent is, Ab.

Don't touch the tooth yet! Okay, okay.

Don't worry.

Down on your butt.

Drain out of the guy's eyes... It's pretty cool.

Dude, this is huge.

Dude, we have an appointment?

Dude, you gotta know someone you can set me up with.

Dude.

During the night, like a sneaky thief.

Egg, mostly.

Either I'm going to go in with you

Even homeless people read newspapers.

Even if it didn't happen exactly like that, like,

Every time I'm outside your door, it smells so good.

Everyone say, Hello, Flo.

Ew.

Exactly, dude, it's like... I think they can see backwards,

Except for one thing!

Fantastic, man, I appreciate that.

Fine, take the day off, but this is what I want you to do.

Fine!

Finish strong.

For $500, I'll sell you three pages

For biking on the sidewalk

For him, Judith Light.

For I don't even know how long.

For my taxes to get done.

For people with blue eyes.

For that hunky, quarter Latino and whatever else he is.

For that hunky, quarter Latino.

From Housewives? Yeah.

From the distribution center after 4:30.

Fully stocked mini fridge.

Funny enough.

Gar... ol, you seem like, so great.

Garol, hi.

Garol.

Get in there.

Get it, bitch. I'm gonna call some old college buds,

Get out there and bounce them little titties

Get out! Get outta here!

Get outta here!

Get outta here. I got it.

Gimme.

Gimme.

Give it a couple of minutes,

Give me that!

Glad I kept my shoes on.

Go! Go!

God, it was me!

God.

Goes down on you. Yeah.

Good luck.

Good luck. Bye.

Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it.

Got it, got it, got it, got it.

Got it? Yeah.

Got it.

Got it.

Got what?

Great, just come over as soon as you can.

Great.

Great... Closing time.

Guys, there's something that I want to get off my chest.

Happy I'm so happy for you.

Have a good night.

Have you been eating those?

Have you been to Africa?

He is the dentist.

He lives here for free.

He loves his mom.

He? Yeah.

He's got huge balls.

He's pretty cool.

He's very ambitious, he's reading.

He's very muscular, really handsome.

Heard you were looking for some... pizza.

Hello, Flo.

Hello, my name is Flo.

Hello?

Hello? Bevers.

Hello? Ilana Wexler?

Hemmy, you deserve to be a citizen so hard.

Her parents are like, too into me.

Here we go.

Here.

Here... Right now.

Hey sleepyhead.

Hey, Ab.

Hey, Bevers, you hear the door knock earlier?

Hey, Ilana.

Hey, Jeremy.

Hey, mama.

Hey, um, so Hemmy and I are

Hey! I will not buy a Sodastream full price, Bevers!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Where have you been?

Hey... There you are.

Hi, Lincoln, um, before we die, which might be tonight,

Hi, thanks for holding.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

His dick, dude!

His girlfriend lives here, so...

His name was Franklin.

Hit 'em up!

Hold up!

Hold up.

Honestly, it's the safest way to travel.

How am I getting shorter?

How are you still single?

How did you get a cab to come here?

How many do you have?

How much would that be?

How much?

How you doin'?

Hurricane Wanda has been upgraded

I (bleep) in the toilet, but there's no water

I actually drew today, all day.

I am a doo doo ninja.

I am not a mom!

I am stuffed to the gills, dude.

I am way too trusting of strangers.

I am, uh, doing my taxes, as you can see, and I just

I came here for the stamps.

I can do lots of dances.

I can do the running man.

I can do this. (Ilana) You know what I'm gonna do?

I can find somebody.

I can go anywhere outside, inside,

I can just tell from this interaction.

I can make this an a ha moment weekend.

I can't even, like, have it on

I can't find it.

I can't have a lot of people around.

I can't let you back in that tiny ass apartment.

I can't make heads or tails of this.

I can't really imagine what it's like

I can't really... I don't see anything wrong with that.

I can't... I won't do it.

I dare you to suck Jeremy's (bleep).

I deserve respect, I know what I want...

I did not think that that meant she would put it in your shoe.

I didn't (bleep) in your Shapely though.

I didn't get the door when the delivery came.

I didn't have your ID. Whoa, whoa, hey, hey.

I didn't know you had a veneer,

I didn't know you had plans with Lincoln. We don't have plans.

I didn't mean that.

I didn't put it in a shoe.

I do it all the time.

I do it every time.

I do wanna date you seriously,

I don't I don't know what to tell you.

I don't believe this.

I don't have an ID of yours. It's okay.

I don't have it.

I don't know what the saying is.

I don't know what's going on with that.

I don't know, I just gotta get home.

I don't know, man. I don't care if you believe me or not.

I don't know, maybe not copy all the garbage to begin with.

I don't know.

I don't sit there and say, I bet you're a mom

I don't wanna get too graphic, but vajinas tend to mask the

I explode.

I feel like I can explain it better.

I feel like nobody else is here, you know?

I get it.

I go like, twice a week, tops.

I go to a lot of spots.

I got a boot in my cootch and I do not care!

I got it, got it. There's no damage.

I got it. Cool.

I gotta go get my hair fixed.

I gotta go... I love you.

I gotta head back to the office.

I gotta tell ya, this is all a mess,

I guess I have people who depend on me, too.

I guess that's totally on me, I guess.

I had the best time.

I had to go to the island to get it

I had to take that.

I hate this place. Oh.

I have a hole in my weenus!

I have an idea... Drinking game.

I have no idea who you're talking about.

I have to.

I jinxed myself. Why, what do you mean?

I just I just smoke so much, and then I just go nuts,

I just this is why I can't have my own weed.

I just can't wait for the day that I walk by a policeman,

I just think you owe me an apology.

I just wanna get home and watch my shows.

I just want a plain one, not one of your guys'.

I just want to, like, make sure we do it enough

I know I smell potato salad.

I know what we will do.

I know what we will do.

I know you don't like me to answer the door

I know you like that.

I know, I got it.

I know, mommy knows.

I know.

I know.

I like how you call Lincoln the dentist.

I like it to be quiet.

I live right next door, so...

I looked for his dick forever.

I love dishes and washing them.

I love it, it's dope, 'cause I get to bone a lot.

I love it! It's my pleasure.

I love you too, dude.

I love you, (bleep).

I made a little list here.

I mean I have to keep bumming off of you.

I mean, good luck with the trial.

I mean, I don't know if I'd get pregnant like, right away.

I mean, I wasn't prepared for that much.

I mean, I would take one.

I mean, like, who do I think I am?

I mean, only if you're going to be home anyway.

I mean, weed, yeah.

I need his ID or he can come down here

I need you to steal two pieces of Jeremy's mail from like,

I need you to take this pot.

I obviously mean if you were a dog.

I once ate a corn on the cob...

I owe you dinner, okay? Oh, you don't... Yeah, okay.

I pay for your outfit. Oh, my God.

I promise.

I really think I should stay home.

I said, Do whatever you want.

I see how... No, no, no.

I see it, it's your family.

I see what I did.

I should be buying my own pot.

I shouldn't even be bumming off of you.

I shouldn't have done them in the first place.

I smelled it all night.

I spend way too much time on the toilet.

I think cooking is just a wonderful thing.

I think I almost got this.

I think I would need to know, like, what kinda dog I was

I think I'm gonna give up on this.

I think it was a gift for the host of the party.

I think it's, like, some sort of rocket ship or something.

I think that we can all agree that there's no smell.

I think that's a great idea, Ilana.

I think they might just be sending you money.

I think this was a huge step for us for real,

I think we should go with the second one.

I think we should talk. We're talking right now.

I think what needs to happen is you need to go home

I think you stepped in something.

I think you're very wrong.

I thought he would never leave.

I thought this was a one stop shop.

I threw them away, they were all expired.

I took them to lunch, that sushi place underneath Penn Station.

I tried this new stylist.

I wanna get my own pot, okay?

I want stability, I wanna hang out with a guy

I want to share with you that I have prosthetic balls.

I was always the fastest at it.

I was just, uh, in my bedroom 'cause a felf shell.

I was thinking maybe we could masturbate next to each other.

I went into the park and I did some jumping jacks.

I will buy you a Costco rotisserie chicken.

I will not do it!

I will see you... when I see you.

I would this is not somethin' I would do.

I would be a three legged mutt, because I'd be like a highly

I would be honored and pleasured to facilitate this.

I would be?

I would blow myself and Greg would blow himself separate,

I would do it.

I would have it with me whenever.

I would love to go.

I would say, Come here, (bleep).

I wouldn't call it that.

I wouldn't do that.

I'd do it.

I'd have sex with that dude.

I'd love to come over and play sometime. I wish.

I'd love to, but I'm actually out

I'd love to.

I'd pick up your poop, you're worth it.

I'll be sendin' positive vibes.

I'll catch you later, okay?

I'll come over and smoke you right up.

I'll come to your place? Absolutely.

I'll do anything if she sings it like that.

I'll do it good. Okay.

I'll give that a try if I can muscle it.

I'll go next.

I'll have her back in one... closer to three hours.

I'll head over as soon as I finish my mimosa.

I'll hop on the Q18, catch the N and then transfer to the R,

I'll just hand that... All right.

I'll kick it with you later. Okay, cool.

I'll leave a note on my door

I'll make my special rotisserie chicken.

I'm a real jokester today I had that one,

I'm about to start at this temp job... Bye bye.

I'm always trying to get you to parallel play.

I'm ashamed I ever called you Alex P. Keaton.

I'm crushin' it, two for two all day.

I'm feeling feverish.

I'm giving you more than I'm getting back?

I'm gonna be a grown ass woman and do my taxes for once,

I'm gonna get those taxes did.

I'm gonna go.

I'm in a bad mood.

I'm just I'm having a really hard time finding weed, okay?

I'm just confused.

I'm just kiddin'.

I'm making bank, bitch!

I'm missing like a bunch of my undies.

I'm not a mom, I'm a grown ass woman!

I'm not a mom!

I'm not charging you, first tooth is on me.

I'm not going to prescribe you dog Xanax.

I'm not gonna be a tax expert overnight, you know?

I'm not gonna be like holding my mommy's hand while I buy drugs.

I'm not on my period.

I'm not putting pot, like, up inside of me,

I'm not sure if I'm in the right place...

I'm not your roommate's boyfriend, I'm your husband.

I'm on a low fiber diet.

I'm on speed.

I'm pretty good with the felf shells.

I'm really glad that Jeremy thinks it was you and not me,

I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

I'm sending these taxes to my parents.

I'm so happy you're here.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I'm sorry, did you just say something?

I'm sorry, do you guys smell something?

I'm sorry, I can't.

I'm sorry, I will have someone there right away.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It's not her fault.

I'm sure it's good for you in some ways.

I'm telling you once it settles,

I'm watching Shutter Island.

I've been meaning to ask

I've got no temps sent out, I've got the phone ringing

I've heard from like, lots of women that the sex gets bad

I've narrowed it down to a bunch of things.

I've never even heard of that.

I've no idea, and I'm feeling like a (bleep) freak!

If I had, um, one of your keys.

If I wrapped it up in a piece of cheese for him to eat

If it makes you feel any better,

If the Yorkie belongs here, then the retriever should have gone

If we want to go through that and that commitment,

If you are not too dry, cause that would hurt.

If you do this for me right now, I'm gonna...

If you had a dog, I'd be dead because I'm allergic, bitch!

If you think about it. That's right.

If you're not there, I'm not there.

Ilana said that she would take care of it.

Ilana, I am like, I'm so sorry.

Ilana, I got the pizza.

Ilana, listen, this delivery window starts in like,

Ilana, why do you have to ruin him for me?

Ilana, you gotta take this.

Ilana?

Ilana.

Ilana.

Ilana.

Immediately after that, suck on some ice chips,

In case we all die, there is something

In case, you know, we die today.

In Jersey.

In such a tiny apartment all day.

In the hall.

Including the cob.

Is is that what you need me to do?

Is a forever thing.

Is that his name?

Is that your vaporizer?

Is the best part of the rap, I swear to God.

Is the... ball caught or something.

Is this Linda?

Isn't this so fun?

It also details our sexual harassment policies.

It could be great.

It could be something important.

It does exactly what it says it's gonna do.

It is due to hit New York in just a matter of hours.

It is gone.

It is gone.

It is seriously dangerous.

It makes me feel really feminine.

It really builds.

It shouldn't be that hard.

It starts to hit different points.

It took me so long... ID.

It wasn't like that!

It wasn't me at camp either.

It won't stay on the wall.

It'll be fun. I got a lot of planks I gotta unload, so...

It's it's natural, and it's responsible.

It's 4:00! We gotta go.

It's 5 p.m.

It's a flexible window.

It's a process, we're all going through a process.

It's a regular photograph.

It's a rotisserie chicken.

It's all good.

It's all in good fun.

It's all right... You can show it to me later.

It's all those junky coupons on top that had to go.

It's because I want to so badly.

It's called cellular confusion.

It's escalating quickly.

It's getting worse as we're talking.

It's healthy.

It's in a bag.

It's irresponsible, to tell you the truth.

It's just disturbing to me.

It's just hard to meet girls in this city.

It's just idle, I think.

It's just me.

It's just not fair.

It's just too much presh.

It's like a moment.

It's like American Beauty.

It's like camp right now!

It's like the gang's all here.

It's like, spices all over stuff and mixed in.

It's Linda Lodi, from the Linda Lodi temp agency.

It's mine.

It's my family.

It's no big deal.

It's not a big deal at all.

It's not a Fleshlight.

It's not on.

It's okay, it's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay... It's fine, it's fine.

It's right there.

It's tea time, bitch.

It's terrifying outside.

It's the same thing as ice cream, and like cough syrup.

It's the storm, I think.

It's the story of my life,

It's this guy.

It's too dank to be out in the air, I'm telling you.

It's up to you.

It's what I'd like. Okay.

Jaime, it's you.

Jeremy has amazing teeth.

Jeremy Santos.

Jeremy!

Jeremy.

Jeremy's actually my... he's my husband.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus, what a day.

Jesus, what?

Join me in the showers.

Judith Light!

Judith Light!

Judith, now that I know that you are Judith Light,

Just Jesus! Okay.

Just a lot of people here and I spite eat.

Just came by to see if anybody needed anything.

Just kidding.

Just say so.

Just trying to say thank you.

Just whenever.

Just... Yeah, well, great.

Kids used to say it would take them, like,

Last stop in Manhattan.

Last summer, um, I switched our laptop chargers in the night...

Leaving me like, tight and dry.

Let me in.

Let me take that.

Let's do that then.

Let's do this.

Let's do this.

Let's go get some candy.

Let's meet at the ATM where that dude puked on you last week.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Light as a feather...

Like I can't have it in the house.

Like into the eye.

Like it was just part of the toys.

Like Shania... Twain.

Like, actually like a very selfish choice.

Like, for a dog?

Like, for instance, Bevers is here.

Like, I I'm not doing that.

Like, I just smoked so much weed my stomach really hurts.

Like, I mean, this is the worst.

Like, I think I kicked somebody in the face.

Like, I would not do this.

Like, immediately, okay?

Like, this is insane.

Like, what I don't know.

Like, you can't just throw around answers.

Lincoln, you gave all these dogs all your love and now you're

Lincoln... I can't.

Linda Lodi Temp Agency, please hold.

Listen, I really gotta go. I gotta let you go, sweetie.

Listen, man, I'm going to be here all day tomorrow

Listen, um, I know we haven't called you in since that whole.

Listen, we're gonna be runnin' around all day,

Listen, we've known each other for a while,

Lock 'em up!

Locked out of my apartment.

Long my nails are.

Look at her body... So tight.

Look me in the eyes and tell me I have your permission.

Look, I need you to read and sign the employee manual.

Look, my whole staff is out with food poisoning.

Love ya, bitch!

Man, I wanna get high.

Marla Bevers?

Marla, I know... It was Brody.

Matty, come on, huh?

Maybe coffee filters, a a new ottoman!

Maybe it's the nitrous or maybe it's the weed,

Maybe you could help me put up a shelf?

Maybe... Who is this?

Me too.

Mm hmm. Why didn't you answer it?

Mm.

Mother(bleep)!

Move these...

My Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons.

My dog is a teacup Yorkie named Cherish.

My fee is $125 for the day. What?

My final question do you have any dependents?

My God, it's good.

My God.

My goodness.

My neighbor Abbi is so sexy

My purse! Go!

My scalp is burning.

My supervisor's watching.

My talent can't be to like, wash his body.

My talent is I will leg wrestle anyone in here.

Nah, dude, it's a Fleshlight.

Namaste... Gracias.

Need a manila envelope to seal the deal.

Never have I ever, um,

Never have I ever...

Never have I ever... read a newspaper.

Never thought this day would come, you know?

Next thing you know, I'm backstage at Barclays

Next thing you know, you're pregnant with his sperm

Next to him, it's just like, You suck, dude.

Nice work, Gloria.

Nice.

Nice.

No offense. None taken.

No one's called me Cheese in, like, forever.

No one's going anywhere until I find out

No worries, dude, Cherish is totally fine.