Limmy's Homemade Show Soundboard Edit

A building that could staun a bomb getting dropped right on its heid

A doctor cannae help you, eh- There's nae help for you

A lot of good tutors online

A Ouija board is just a stupit idea, eh

A wee comedy talk

A wee reminder frae the past

Ah, but you see, that wisnae hard enough

Ahaha, he's doing it!

All away frae eating your family

All right

All right

All right- I'm Limmy

All right- Making a wee video. Right

And actually haud the trainer in my haun. But I cannae be arsed

And again and again,

And check it out today, then

And download the instructions, this was, like, I don't know how I found it

And go o'er there and pick it up

And he's away. Shut the door

And he's back

And I come by here. I think it would be nice to do a wee show here

And I don't know if you've ever been, but if you haven't,

And I just want to ask the question, what is comedy

And I know that isnae impressive, but managed to build

And I know what you're gonnae say,

And I'm here today to give a talk about comedy

And I'm just trying to work out, are they weans' trainers

And it just all..

And it's fine

And it's the weapons bit

And just go like that

And just see if something funny comes frae it

And maybe the reason is because I've seen people drop..

And pray to God for help, because you turned your back oan him, eh

And that's a good question

And then go like this..

And then I shut the door

And then when I open them, whatever trainers are there,

And then you put your other finger in, like that

And then you see my bike in the background there

And then, like, you sort of pick it up

And there's these steps here, these kind of seats,

And they drop the bomb in that..

And they were grieving outside,

And they're snapping their fingers in my face, like that, Where are ye- Where are ye

And this was their face

And turn it around again and again

And turn it around again and again..

And turn it around again,

And we'll be asking the question, what does it mean to be a good ally

And welcome to Limmy's Homemade Show

And you can see that I'm...I'm lying

And you cannae go to a priest or anything, you cannae go

And you freaked it, and then we stopped it right there

And you just happen to sort of turn it around

And you saw one of the grievers,

And you send everything back, we'll send you out a new box with instructions in it

And you were just going round and around and around,

And you were to see one of these funerals outside

And you'd be hypnotised

Are they, like, wee boys' trainers

Armed with, like...a wee bread knife

As you can see, I've no' really managed much

Aye. Aye, all right. There's nae bins

Because he'll just laugh us oot the place, but I need help, eh

Because I'm no' right in the heid, eh- Jamesie was right

Because it'd be right behind me, I'd be in front of it

Because they didnae include the instructions. They forgot

Because we cannae go on like this. I know, I know, all right

Big spitfire hanging above this elephant

Brian is a stupid idiot. Ahaha!

Brian is stupid. Hahaha!

Brian Limond, AKA Limmy,

Brian, right. Say, Brian is stupid

Brilliant. Thanks, cheers. Thanks, bye

Broad daylight and he had, like, a fast food, like,

But I don't get it. Nothing even happened, eh

But I don't know if a tiler..

But I don't... Jamesie was right

But I especially hate this wee tile here

But I know that if I don't, if I don't get up and check,

But I shouldnae have to no' dae that

But if you're not, what are you going to do to survive

But it isnae a laugh, eh- Because I cannae think straight

But it's a call-out charge, it's going to cost me time and

But look, it's placed just to the side

But maybe none of that will happen

But naebody does, naebody does anything with it

But that, hoor, that's...

But then I noticed that, see if I shut the door

But there's this one wee bit that I love in particular

But we cannae go on like this. What am I supposed to...

But what are you going to do when it does

But what if I was to tell you that just over there,

But what if you were to drive past

But you're still getting a bit of the backchat. You're still getting kind of..

But..

But...don't know

Cannibalism

Cheers, brother

Container sort of thing

Cos I cannae string two thoughts together, eh

Cos I'm all right, eh- Aye, well I'm no' all right, eh

Cos it's built like a castle

Cos of that Ouija board, eh- Yous talking about the Ouija board

Cos that's what will happen, by the way

Could always phone 'em. I'll phone

Could maybe fix it myself

Could you pick that up

Could you..

Could you... Pick that up

Cover it in a bit of bog roll

Cut him in hauf, man

Demons and that. Cos that's what I've got. Demons

DISCONCERTING ORGAN MUSIC

Do you ever do that

Do you ever, like, if you're trying to come up with ideas,

Do you know, he came in last night. I says, You are drunk!

Doctor Who, who

Doctor Who, who, who, who,

Doing wee squares or wee circles or something like that

Don't listen to him, mate, I'm telling you. I'm all right

Don't listen to him, mate. It's all your heid, eh

DOOR OPENS That's me back!

Down here, next to the... Just spotted this here,

DREAMLIKE MUSIC PLAYS ..and again and again,

Er, ach... Son, you're talking, just even for that, you're talking 50

Erm, I just like giving it a wee visit. Now and again

Erm, that's not really worth my time, to be honest

Erm... Hit yourself. Hit your face

Especially if you're in Glesga

Evaporated, just like that

Everybody agrees that a joke's comedy

Everybody looks like that when they look down. Big double chin

Everybody looks like that. No, I know, I know,

Everybody, he's hypnotised!

Excuse me

Excuse me

Excuse me

Excuse me, do you mind picking that up

Excuse me, I think my son would love to learn that

Excuse me, mate. You don't know where Central Station is, do you...

FEMININE VOICE- Ivy

Free entry

Fuck

Fuck off

Fucking pick it up!

Fucking pick that up

Funny faces, is that comedy

Get one of they two-handed swords, big two-hauner

Get oot. Get oot. Oot

Get out my house. All right

Get yourself over there anyway

Get yourself there

God willnae help you

Good boys

Good to maybe do one of they...do a wee talk

Grieving, in tears as they staun next to a hearse

Hate all the tiles, hate the colours,

HE BREATHES SHAKILY

HE CHANTS- Am na na hem na na am na na

HE CHANTS- Am na na hem na na am na na

HE FAKES SOBS

HE GROANS Hey!

HE GROWLS

HE GROWLS

He just dropped it right at his feet. He didn't even try to hide it

He played with a Ouija board just once and that finished him, eh

He says, Is a man no' allowed to have a drink

HE SIGHS

He thinks he can take you because you're just being cheeky

HE TUTS

He wasn't drunk

He... Yeah, he approves of that. OK

He's got nae reason to help you, eh

Hello- Hello, is this the tiler

Hello, erm, I'm looking to just get a wee tile job done

Hello, tiler here

Here

Here

Here in Glesga

Here in Glesga

Here, mate, that type of music isn't my type of thing usually,

Here. On this path

Here. Pick that up!

Hey

Hey, guys. On today's show,

Hey!

HEY! Ah!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey. THUMP

Hi, guys, my name's Limmy

Hope you liked it. And I hope to see you again soon

How can you no' tell- You're right next to them

How come the last ones were cream, then

How hard is it for them to remember to put the instructions in the box

How would I go about that

I can see he's not so sure, that's OK

I can't... I don't know how to do it

I cannae go to the doctor and ask for help

I cannae...I don't know what to do

I caught this other thing on the camera

I couldn't see a..

I do think it's disgusting

I don't care what you do, if it's pills or something like that,

I don't care. Oot. Oot. Oot my house

I don't know how I'm gonnae cope!

I don't know what I'm gonnae dae

I don't know what I'm gonnae dae. Don't think about it

I don't know what I'm gonnae dae. I'm terrified, eh

I don't know why but it does my nut in

I don't know, son. I don't come out for just one wee tile

I don't want you thinking this is something I've made up for a laugh

I don't... I don't think..

I e-mailed them and said, Could you send us the instructions

I hate this, this is my toilet. I hate the tiles in here

I just said, Is there anybody there

I just think it's all in your heid, eh

I keep getting into trouble in work because I cannae think straight

I knew a boy where I grew up,

I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating, I'm not

I know where I'd rather be

I know, but I just thought it would be a laugh, eh

I know, I know, but I changed my mind. I just said that to get you out

I know, shut up, fuck off... I don't care what it is,

I know, that's what I was trying to tell you

I like looking at the paintings and they've got this, er,

I look down at the mirror and I see my face and I'm just like..

I mean, they look kind of wee and stubby, like wee boys' trainers

I mean, what if you were drawing that spiral

I must have made a wee mistake somewhere, cos..

I open the door

I saw this guy in Partick once

I think it's open seven days a week

I told you, you wasted your time by getting me out

I want to show you something. This will cheer you up

I was actually out for a cycle

I was like, Can you no' just send us...- Oh, just forget it