Citizen Khan Soundboard Edit

A late addition, a charity auction. Oh, come on!

A man doesn't care what his bride is wearing

A single man, lives on his own,

A stupid woman with a big bum

A tribal nation, ready to defend our family honour

A water buffalo with lipstick

A-ha! Here we are

Aah, assalaamu alaikum. Mr Mohammed, how are you doing

Absolutely not. Shazia, these things are best left to the professionals

Accompany him, like proper businessman!

Actually, ladoo, I don't really want to go. The bullies might be there

Actually, Mr Khan, I was going to sit there. Well, sit somewhere else

After all, we have Kim Kardashian

Ah

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Ah, here is Mr Khan now

Ah, see- All back, safe and sound

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Asalaam Alaikum

Ah! We meet at last

Ah. I tell you. I love this girl

Ah. That's got it

Ahhh

Alia, go and pack your bags

Alia, go get Monopoly for Mrs Malik, huh

Alia, sweetie, you can't be a model. What about your exams

Alia, take Brian into the kitchen. You can interview her there

Alia, what are you doing- Put that away

Alia, your mother is upset. Bring fresh cup of tea

Alia's already a model. A model of a perfect Muslim daughter!

Alia's trip is part of her studies

ALL BESIDES MR KHAN- Oooh!

ALL BESIDES MR KHAN- Wa alaikum assalam. Hello, Dave

All for show, no doubt

All proceeds going to the charity appeal fund

All right, don't take it SO seriously!

All right! Put her down, will you

All right. Good, smashing, smashing, smashing

All right. Well, then, goodbye, Mrs Malik

All the centres

ALL the people of Sparkhill

All those in favour

All those... Motion carried

ALL- Oooh!

Almost like a son, she is!

Am I going to get a parking space

Am I- Yes, of course! Look at you

Amjad

Amjad doesn't need parenting lessons from you

Amjad forgot to book the mosque- I don't believe it

AMJAD SOBS

AMJAD SOBS Come on! Come on!

Amjad, Amjad, Amjad

Amjad, come over here

Amjad, I'm trying to teach you how to stand up to bullies

Amjad, if you want to be intimate, just text her. That's what I'd do. Isn't it, sweetie

Amjad, you have to stand up to bullies

Amjad! Come on, bid!

Amjad. Thank you, sir

Amjad... Oh, hello, Debbie Does Doncaster

Amjad's got something to tell you!

And

And a silly, old-fashioned suit

And anyway, you can't go around impersonating mosque managers

And Auntie Noor's coming with me as my chaperone!

And booked her parents to go on holiday with them

And bring one for her too

And everyone says, Wow, that Mr X, he's a very generous man

And explain everything about...you know, tang tang

And he looks more like Baa Baa Brown Sheep

And he's really into the cricket and he might try to get you to watch

And his pads. And his helmet

And how she should be a model. Even the imam

And how to be a better Muslim

And I am not going on holiday with Mr Khan,

And I couldn't find any little brown people,

And I don't want to see that thing round here again, all right

And I don't want you getting your claws into him

And I realise he's my one true love

And I start running towards them, and we run faster and faster

And I will do it... Er, I have done it. It's booked, done

And I would have to kill myself

And I'm paying for this bloody wedding, don't forget

And iron my shirts

And it'll all be tickety-boo

And look out for our neighbours

And make sure you sit down! I don't want any splashes!

And Mr Zaheer is finally having his procedure done

And no charge for baby-sitting today

And plastic surgery

And shame

And she's clever and funny

And spying on your neighbours

And sweet, and kind

And that funny bloke at number 28 has had his extension out too

And that, inside, they're just cowards

And the dance area could go..

And the next thing you know, the covers are off,

And then I see someone running towards me along the beach

And then next spring, out popped little Shazia

And then ****stan won!

And then there would be cancellation. I know this!

And then we meet and I look up at him

And then we tried that thing I read in Woman's Own. Oh, God!

And there's an amazing club near the campsite. It's going to be wicked

And they just need a firm hand. Argh!

And they might not vote to name the community room after you

And they said they'd never seen results like it!

And this one not so much

And to be honest, I don't find him all that... How can I put this

And Travel Agency has made a very generous donation to the mosque

And use the facilities here

And we all get on really well, don't we

And we had to work out whodunnit

And we listened for two hours on my transistor radio

And we stayed in that rickety old caravan. I can't remember

And what about our honeymoon, have you thought about it

And what's your name, young man

And you are- Mr Khan, community leader

And you can get to know each other better

And you can't look after yourself any more- Hmm- Hmm

And you just get on with your studies

And you might think, Well, there's no harm in watching

And you, my darling

And you've been caught out by his googlie!

And- What

And, anyway, she'll be home later and you'll see for yourself

Any advance on a thousand pounds- Anyone

Any time I came within 500 metres of their house

Any woman would be lucky to have you

Anyone for a virgin mojito

Anyway, I must be going

Anyway, Mrs K only goes and suggests nappies!

Anyway, she won't be thinking that for much longer

APPLAUSE

Are they not- No. Boys are bad. They only have one thing on their minds

Are you coming to the Women's Group day trip- No!

Are you going to bid- In a minute

Are you going to say something

Are you texting someone- No. I'm praying to Mecca

Are you the one with the extension out

Aren't you forgetting something

As it is, she's always looking down her nose at us,

As you all know, Mr Butt, proprietor of Butt's Luxury Carpet Emporium

Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan. Waleikum asalaam, Riaz. What are you up to

Ask anybodys, they all know me

Ask not what your association can do for you,

Ask your father. He's in charge of the house today

Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Khan. Wa alaikum assalam, Riaz

Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Mohammed. You all right- How's Mrs Mohammed

At a Turkish beach resort

At last. Thank God for that. Now, on to the agenda

Aww, there you go! Thanks!

Baas. CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY

Baby-and-toddler turnover is up 200% in a week

Bathroom now only open between 7-00 and 8-30

Because I'm white- Because you're ginger

Because if Mrs Khan comes, then that also means that Mr Khan comes,

Because it costs money!

Because let me tell you, Mrs Khan, they certainly do

Because you were watching the cricket

Before Shazia gets married

Best thing for you to do is just apologise for everything

Bet you can't wait to get away

Better take two, huh- Indian restaurant

BHANGRA MUSIC

Bit of a mix-up, you're not coming on holiday with us

Blimey!

Bloody cheek!

Bloody hell! Thank you, a proper bid at last

Bloody Maldives-!

Book the mosque, but you, oh, no..

BOTH- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

BOTH- What-!

Boys- I didn't know anything about boys

Brian Halcox, store manager. I'm your lovely wife's boss

Brian said he would consider letting Alia do her work

Brian says I could be management material

Brilliant

Budhoo, Mum thinks her and Dad are coming instead of Matt and Debbie

Bully me. Bully you, sir- Yes, come on. Bully me. Goad me

Burying dead people. Oh, of course

But apart from that..

But I didn't ask for help for my wife's leaky plumbing

But I might want someone to hold my hand

But I only have room for one, so..

But I thought Shazia was as happy about this as I am

But I'm bursting

But I'm the mosque manager now. Look, Dave, this is the mosque AGM

But if you did it properly, it's easy peasy

But it was actually very easy

But it's for my use only

But it's not my birthday for another three months!

But Mr Malik takes Mrs Malik to lovely places

But no Mattay, just Debbay!

But one day you might decide that you do like...cricket

But one day you realise there are other things in the world

But one day, you might meet somebody, let's say a boy,

But she can't wander round London by herself

But she won't find out, though. Will she

But she... But you... And I..

But she's a bit better

But that's not for hours. Chup

But that's not very career-oriented

But the nursery is on the other side of the Stratford Road

But then he shows you his bat

But then people might think you are a bit stingy

But there's a problem

But there's plenty of food

But they just wouldn't leave me alone

But this is our rainy day money. We can't spend it on holidays

But we have to set a good example for Mo

But we were up all night anyway

But what about your work experience- This IS for her work experience

But what have you done for me lately

But what you have to remember is, is that boys are not like girls

But who's she with

But you can't be a proper Muslim, you see

But, sir, I don't like violence

But, sir, I don't want to get into trouble

But... Chup. Dad! Chup!

By the way, I found our old swimming costumes from Great Yarmouth, 1988

Bye-bye!

Bye, Shazia. Bye, Amjad

Call me a few names. I don't think I can, sir

CAMERA CLICKS

Can I get away with this, with the right accessories

Can you come upstairs for a minute- OK

Can't we have this later- We've got more important things to do

CASH REGISTER RINGS

Catch it, budhoo!

Catchy, no

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE £2,500 from Mr Khan!

Chill out. Come on

Chillax, sweetie