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Home > Citizen Khan Soundboard
A late addition, a charity auction. Oh, come on!
A man doesn't care what his bride is wearing
A single man, lives on his own,
A stupid woman with a big bum
A tribal nation, ready to defend our family honour
A water buffalo with lipstick
A-ha! Here we are
Aah, assalaamu alaikum. Mr Mohammed, how are you doing
Absolutely not. Shazia, these things are best left to the professionals
Accompany him, like proper businessman!
Actually, ladoo, I don't really want to go. The bullies might be there
Actually, Mr Khan, I was going to sit there. Well, sit somewhere else
After all, we have Kim Kardashian
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
Ah, here is Mr Khan now
Ah, see- All back, safe and sound
Ah! Asalaam Alaikum
Ah! We meet at last
Ah. I tell you. I love this girl
Ah. That's got it
Alia, go and pack your bags
Alia, go get Monopoly for Mrs Malik, huh
Alia, sweetie, you can't be a model. What about your exams
Alia, take Brian into the kitchen. You can interview her there
Alia, what are you doing- Put that away
Alia, your mother is upset. Bring fresh cup of tea
Alia's already a model. A model of a perfect Muslim daughter!
Alia's trip is part of her studies
ALL BESIDES MR KHAN- Wa alaikum assalam. Hello, Dave
All for show, no doubt
All proceeds going to the charity appeal fund
All right, don't take it SO seriously!
All right! Put her down, will you
All right. Good, smashing, smashing, smashing
All right. Well, then, goodbye, Mrs Malik
All the centres
ALL the people of Sparkhill
All those in favour
All those... Motion carried
ALL- Oooh!
Almost like a son, she is!
Am I going to get a parking space
Am I- Yes, of course! Look at you
Amjad doesn't need parenting lessons from you
Amjad forgot to book the mosque- I don't believe it
AMJAD SOBS Come on! Come on!
Amjad, Amjad, Amjad
Amjad, come over here
Amjad, I'm trying to teach you how to stand up to bullies
Amjad, if you want to be intimate, just text her. That's what I'd do. Isn't it, sweetie
Amjad, you have to stand up to bullies
Amjad! Come on, bid!
Amjad. Thank you, sir
Amjad... Oh, hello, Debbie Does Doncaster
Amjad's got something to tell you!
And a silly, old-fashioned suit
And anyway, you can't go around impersonating mosque managers
And Auntie Noor's coming with me as my chaperone!
And booked her parents to go on holiday with them
And bring one for her too
And everyone says, Wow, that Mr X, he's a very generous man
And explain everything know, tang tang
And he looks more like Baa Baa Brown Sheep
And he's really into the cricket and he might try to get you to watch
And his pads. And his helmet
And how she should be a model. Even the imam
And how to be a better Muslim
And I am not going on holiday with Mr Khan,
And I couldn't find any little brown people,
And I don't want to see that thing round here again, all right
And I don't want you getting your claws into him
And I realise he's my one true love
And I start running towards them, and we run faster and faster
And I will do it... Er, I have done it. It's booked, done
And I would have to kill myself
And I'm paying for this bloody wedding, don't forget
And iron my shirts
And it'll all be tickety-boo
And look out for our neighbours
And make sure you sit down! I don't want any splashes!
And Mr Zaheer is finally having his procedure done
And no charge for baby-sitting today
And plastic surgery
And shame
And she's clever and funny
And spying on your neighbours
And sweet, and kind
And that funny bloke at number 28 has had his extension out too
And that, inside, they're just cowards
And the dance area could go..
And the next thing you know, the covers are off,
And then I see someone running towards me along the beach
And then next spring, out popped little Shazia
And then ****stan won!
And then there would be cancellation. I know this!
And then we meet and I look up at him
And then we tried that thing I read in Woman's Own. Oh, God!
And there's an amazing club near the campsite. It's going to be wicked
And they just need a firm hand. Argh!
And they might not vote to name the community room after you
And they said they'd never seen results like it!
And this one not so much
And to be honest, I don't find him all that... How can I put this
And Travel Agency has made a very generous donation to the mosque
And use the facilities here
And we all get on really well, don't we
And we had to work out whodunnit
And we listened for two hours on my transistor radio
And we stayed in that rickety old caravan. I can't remember
And what about our honeymoon, have you thought about it
And what's your name, young man
And you are- Mr Khan, community leader
And you can get to know each other better
And you can't look after yourself any more- Hmm- Hmm
And you just get on with your studies
And you might think, Well, there's no harm in watching
And you, my darling
And you've been caught out by his googlie!
And- What
And, anyway, she'll be home later and you'll see for yourself
Any advance on a thousand pounds- Anyone
Any time I came within 500 metres of their house
Any woman would be lucky to have you
Anyone for a virgin mojito
Anyway, I must be going
Anyway, Mrs K only goes and suggests nappies!
Anyway, she won't be thinking that for much longer
Are they not- No. Boys are bad. They only have one thing on their minds
Are you coming to the Women's Group day trip- No!
Are you going to bid- In a minute
Are you going to say something
Are you texting someone- No. I'm praying to Mecca
Are you the one with the extension out
Aren't you forgetting something
As it is, she's always looking down her nose at us,
As you all know, Mr Butt, proprietor of Butt's Luxury Carpet Emporium
Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan. Waleikum asalaam, Riaz. What are you up to
Ask anybodys, they all know me
Ask not what your association can do for you,
Ask your father. He's in charge of the house today
Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Khan. Wa alaikum assalam, Riaz
Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Mohammed. You all right- How's Mrs Mohammed
At a Turkish beach resort
At last. Thank God for that. Now, on to the agenda
Aww, there you go! Thanks!
Baby-and-toddler turnover is up 200% in a week
Bathroom now only open between 7-00 and 8-30
Because I'm white- Because you're ginger
Because if Mrs Khan comes, then that also means that Mr Khan comes,
Because it costs money!
Because let me tell you, Mrs Khan, they certainly do
Because you were watching the cricket
Before Shazia gets married
Best thing for you to do is just apologise for everything
Bet you can't wait to get away
Better take two, huh- Indian restaurant
Bit of a mix-up, you're not coming on holiday with us
Bloody cheek!
Bloody hell! Thank you, a proper bid at last
Bloody Maldives-!
Book the mosque, but you, oh, no..
BOTH- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
BOTH- What-!
Boys- I didn't know anything about boys
Brian Halcox, store manager. I'm your lovely wife's boss
Brian said he would consider letting Alia do her work
Brian says I could be management material
Budhoo, Mum thinks her and Dad are coming instead of Matt and Debbie
Bully me. Bully you, sir- Yes, come on. Bully me. Goad me
Burying dead people. Oh, of course
But apart from that..
But I didn't ask for help for my wife's leaky plumbing
But I might want someone to hold my hand
But I only have room for one, so..
But I thought Shazia was as happy about this as I am
But I'm bursting
But I'm the mosque manager now. Look, Dave, this is the mosque AGM
But if you did it properly, it's easy peasy
But it was actually very easy
But it's for my use only
But it's not my birthday for another three months!
But Mr Malik takes Mrs Malik to lovely places
But no Mattay, just Debbay!
But one day you might decide that you do
But one day you realise there are other things in the world
But one day, you might meet somebody, let's say a boy,
But she can't wander round London by herself
But she won't find out, though. Will she
But she... But you... And I..
But she's a bit better
But that's not for hours. Chup
But that's not very career-oriented
But the nursery is on the other side of the Stratford Road
But then he shows you his bat
But then people might think you are a bit stingy
But there's a problem
But there's plenty of food
But they just wouldn't leave me alone
But this is our rainy day money. We can't spend it on holidays
But we have to set a good example for Mo
But we were up all night anyway
But what about your work experience- This IS for her work experience
But what have you done for me lately
But what you have to remember is, is that boys are not like girls
But who's she with
But you can't be a proper Muslim, you see
But, sir, I don't like violence
But, sir, I don't want to get into trouble
But... Chup. Dad! Chup!
By the way, I found our old swimming costumes from Great Yarmouth, 1988
Bye, Shazia. Bye, Amjad
Call me a few names. I don't think I can, sir
Can I get away with this, with the right accessories
Can you come upstairs for a minute- OK
Can't we have this later- We've got more important things to do
Catch it, budhoo!
Catchy, no
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE £2,500 from Mr Khan!
Chill out. Come on
Chillax, sweetie