Main Content
Sound Added to Your Favorites Soundboard
Error Adding Sound
Error adding sound to your favorites.
Sound Reported
Sound reported and our moderators will review it shortly.
Error Reporting Sound
Error reporting sound. Please use the Contact page.
Home > Ted (2012) Soundboard
3,313 38,771
Ted (2012) Soundboard

Ted (2012) Soundboard

Title: Ted (2012): Irreverent Comedy with a Lovable Stuffed Bear

Introduction:
Released in 2012, Ted is a hilarious comedy film directed by Seth MacFarlane, the creator of the popular animated series Family Guy. This unique film brings to life the story of a lovable teddy bear named Ted, who, magically brought to life by a young boy's wish, becomes a chain-smoking, foul-mouthed companion. Ted humorously explores the bond between childhood friendship and adult responsibility, while delivering side-splitting laughs throughout.

Synopsis:
Ted revolves around the life of John Bennett (played by Mark Wahlberg) and his inseparable friendship with Ted, his childhood teddy bear. As a boy, John wished for Ted to come to life, a wish that unexpectedly came true. However, as John and Ted enter adulthood, their friendship faces challenges due to Ted's influence on John's behavior and relationships.

Main Cast:

1. Mark Wahlberg as John Bennett:
Playing the role of John Bennett, Wahlberg brings a mix of charm and immaturity to the character. John's struggle to balance his loyalty to Ted and his romantic relationship forms the core conflict of the story.

2. Seth MacFarlane as the voice of Ted:
The film showcases MacFarlane's distinctive voice acting skills as he brings the teddy bear, Ted, to life. Ted is a hilarious and politically incorrect character who loves pop culture references and sarcastic comments.

3. Mila Kunis as Lori Collins:
Mila Kunis portrays Lori Collins, John's long-term girlfriend, who struggles to accept Ted's role in their lives. Her character adds emotional depth and acts as a catalyst for change in John's life.

Ted's Humor and Impact:
Ted stands out for its cleverly written script and relentless humor. Promotional phrases such as "From the creator of Family Guy" helped establish the film's reputation for irreverent comedy and biting satire. The movie juxtaposes the innocence of a talking teddy bear with adult themes and humor, pushing the boundaries of what one would typically expect.

Throughout the film, Ted's humorous one-liners and references to popular culture, from Flash Gordon to Star Wars, strike a chord with audiences. The comedy not only comes from Ted's remarks but also through the interactions between Wahlberg and the animated bear, adding an extra layer of comedy to the film.

Behind the Laughs: Seth MacFarlane's Genius:
Ted serves as a testament to writer-director Seth MacFarlane's comedic genius. Known for his witty writing style and unique humor, MacFarlane expertly crafts jokes that entertain both fans of his previous work and new audiences alike.

The film's success is also attributed to MacFarlane's ability to anthropomorphize Ted and make him a relatable character, despite his politically incorrect behavior. Audiences quickly latched onto Ted's charm, turning him into a beloved character within pop culture.

Play and Download the Hilarious Sounds of Ted:
Fans of the film can now enjoy the hilarious sounds of Ted through various mediums. Whether it be iconic quotes, Teddy's snarky remarks, or even selected musical tracks from the film's soundtrack, fans can dive into the world of Ted all over again.

Play or download the iconic dialogue between Ted and John, or relive the infamous scenes that became the talking points of many conversations with friends. By revisiting the sounds of Ted, fans can keep the fun alive and share the laughs with others.

Conclusion:
Ted (2012) is a side-splitting comedy that brings to life the story of an unlikely friendship between a grown man and a talking teddy bear. Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, and Seth MacFarlane's talents combine to create an uproariously funny film that pushes boundaries while exploring themes of friendship and maturity.

Ted's unique blend of humor and heart, coupled with MacFarlane's creative genius, ensures the film's enduring popularity. Whether you're revisiting the film for the first time in years, or discovering it for the first time, Ted promises an entertaining experience that will leave audiences in stitches.

*Play and download the iconic sounds of Ted here!*

A couple of charles brew kowskis
A cushy $38000 a year branch manager who's personal friends with tom skerritt
A hundred bucks says he's showing her the diving team photo
A little heavy on the eye makeup but pretty good
A professional nfl player is called upon to save the world
A young boy's stuffed animal has magically come to life for as yet unknown reasons
Actually could you wrap just this up for me I want to scare the shit out of somebody sure
Actually you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis
Ah! you suck kareem
All I ever wanted was you john bennett
All I ever wanted was you, John Bennett.
All I want is I just want to end on good terms I owe that to you
All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two had no intention to do
All right brandi heather channing breanna amber sabrina melody dakota sierra bambi crystal samantha autumn ruby taylor tara tami
All right buddy go get 'em
All right easy come on ted
All right fuck it
All right here we go
All right here's your keys your rental agreement complimentary map of boston
All right I get it and you know I don't blame you
All right I love you
All right i'm just saying
All right kareem!
All right kid you win we'll do it your way what do you want to do you want to play a game it's playtime right we'll play a game
All right knock it off!
All right look let's just find a better place to get stoned
All right speed round i'm going to rattle off some names and when I hit it fucking buzz it okay you got me
All right this is one man to another
All right whatever you say
All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee
All you've got to do is not fuck up
An apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles it is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry an absolute death machine
And as one gentleman to another I just want to say I really hope you fucking get lou gehrig's disease
And beat up the ******* kids
And by blaming me you you're just making yourself look like a pussy
And by the way my dancing was not that bad
And don't worry i'll do my very best to get this job that I so crave
And don't worry, I'll do my very best
And for little john bennett christmas day brought a very special new arrival
And for little John Bennett,
And he knew that if he ever found that friend he would never let him go
And he's falling to fucking pieces without you.
And hey all those rich black people can't be wrong right
And I asked my dad if I could have a magical little teddy bear too and he said no
And I guess one of these dogs clamped his jaws on her forearm and wouldn't let go until the fireman showed up and stuck his finger in his ass
And I have rights! (GRUNTS)
And I just hope that maybe we can still be friends
And I just hope that maybe we can still be friends.
And I particularly enjoyed the gift you gave me last night
And I promised myself that if I ever had a son I would never ever ever say no to him ever
And I want you to know that after last night I don't ever want to lose anyone who matters to me ever again
And I was so heartbroken
And I'm ready to change,
And if that means getting you off my back well that's just a bonus
And it was so scary but it was like so much fun
And it's a non restricted place
And jesus be with you in christ
And not only that it's the wrong time it's a terrible idea I mean you got the economy you got the credit bubble the supreme court I mean look at haiti
And so john lori and ted lived happily ever after
And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot
And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends
And the guy down at the store told me
And then he got deported back to iran
And then they practically have to give me the anderson case
And then they're like oh my god! he can deliver he's actually quite a litigator
And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it cpr and it came back to life
And then when we saw it fall from the tree,
And this is for Lori Collins
And unless you're too blind to notice he's not your only friend anymore
And we we ended up hooking up in the back room
And you better never show your face around quincy you hear me
And you don't remember it no same as last time
And you'll see he'll never be scared of thunder again
And you're nasty do you want to get nasty you're a nasty girl
Anybody can come of course **** are welcome well yeah why wouldn't they be
Are there naked dicks in gay porn
Are we still going to smoke that pot?
Are you even listening to me do you give any shred of a shit
Are you going to do it
Are you kidding me
Are you out here all alone uh no no i'm not you know you're never alone when you're with christ so no i'm not alone
As I said you would need a law degree from a law school
As you can see my dance card is quite full so i'm going to have to decline
Asometimes you're crazy
Asshole!
Aw congratulations john
Aw! merry christmas john
Baby I don't know if this is going to work please just try
Baby please ask ted to move out so we can move on with our lives
Baby, I don't know if this is going to work.
Back off susan boyle!
Back off, Susan Boyle!
Baltic czech
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat right pink floyd
Because I love you
Because in a month my life could be your life
Because of that I just lost the love of my life
Before long teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right
Besides what if he chose ted
Boom that's me and skerritt
Brandi lynn heather lynn channing tami lynn
Break his arm off!
Break this up break this up get him!
Bring it in, you bastard. Come on
Bullshit! that totally works
But dad
But dad I want the bear on tv
But daddy
But do you think she might be expecting me to make that kind of a move
But he can never fail
But I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing
But i'm talking about a mature relationship lori
But just listen to me for five seconds.
But lori cannot find out she absolutely cannot know I was gone
But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone.
But then she got pregnant from this asshole guy and so we couldn't go and I was all upset
But then she had a miscarriage and so we ended up getting to go skydiving
But then we're two of a kind we move as one
But there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits
But through all the fame teddy never forgot his very best friend john
But will you take care of me forever and ever
But you know thank you for creeping up my night
But you know they're hookers so it's fine
But you're no longer eight you're 35 years old
But, they're hookers, so it's fine.
By a very special Justice of the Peace.
By the power vested in me by the new york jets and by the united peoples of the planet mongo I now pronounce you man and wife
Can I just get a hug oh uh no
Can I please just explain no
Can I please just explain? No
Can we talk about this another time and just enjoy our anniversary dinner
Can you call him back no it's blocked
Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me
Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?
Can you just email me the rest of this story
Candice? No.
Check this out that's me on the high school diving team we dove the shit out of that pool that year
Chill out okay look can we just talk about this what's your name i'm john
Chopped salad half price
Cocaine right
Come here you bastard
Come on buddy
Come on dudes don't tell me you never done it before
Come on I do not sound that much like peter griffin
Come on i'm bored as crap over here just swing by for a bit
Come on it's not that bad
Come on it's not that bad okay I got a shitty job and I assure you I am quite content
Come on james franco
Come on nobody's expecting anybody to propose I mean marriage isn't isn't love enough I submit that love is enough
Come on robert
Come on sam do it! do it!
Come on she'll go home she'll watch bridget jones something asshole she'll have a good cry she'll be fine you'll talk to her tomorrow
Come on take it easy
Come on upstairs
Come on we're going to the hatch shell
Come on, Sam, do it! Do it!
Come share this with me
Company's turning 20 huh so you can bang it but you can't get it drunk right yeah she gets it she enjoys my humor
Couple of brew stoyevskis
Cw!
Dad I want a teddy bear
Dad no!
Daddy gave me an ouch now I have to give you an ouch
Daddy!
Daddy!
Death to ming!
Death to Ming!
Death to ming! yes!
Did you did you just talk
Did you ever hear a boston girl have an orgasm 'oh yeah oh yeah! harder! harder!'
Did you get it no I didn't get it! tell me when you get it!
Did you hurt your head
Did you just call me a whore
Did you really just fart yeah but I pushed it that way with my hand I wonder who it's going to hit first
Do I dare look at the clock
Do I need to wash my hands before I play this game
Do you ever watch a bulls game chicago bulls game in chicago with tom skerritt no no you haven't all right
Do you ever watch this show yeah when leno guest hosts
Do you know what just happened do you have any clue my fucking life just ended!
Do you mind covering for me for a bit I might go lay down in the john
Do you see me fucking with you
Do you want to go get a drink after this I feel like I could use one after seeing a guy almost die
Doing so much more
Don't ever lose her again she's the most important the most important part of your life even more than me
Don't fuck with me on this I know this shit!
Don't know her name. Seems cute
Don't look so surprised you're the one who wished for it aren't you
Don't talk shit to me
Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it!
Don't! get it away from me!
Donny shut up will ya daddy's making love to new mommy
Donny was arrested by boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy
Down here not looking up your towel swear to god not looking up your towel not looking at your funny business
Dude I got 10 minutes where's flash gordon
Dude one man to another I got you on this
Eating potato salad off of Tami Lynn's bare bottom.
Ed thought I was alf and he kept muttering anti semitic comments he thought alf was ******* for some reason
Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept muttering anti Semitic comments
Eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen
Every now and then when my life's getting me down and things are tough I just come up here and I look at it and it reminds me that things aren't so bad
Exactly right good okay
Exactly that's what i'm saying
Excuse me
Excuse me i'm sorry to bother you but my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear
Fine it sure as hell beats crying myself to sleep every night
Fine john but this is I swear to god your last chance
First night on your own
Flash gordon is the symbol of our friendship john
Flash gordon quarterback new york jets
Flash! a ah! he'll save every one of us!
Flash! a ah! savior of the universe!
For like, five days
For that one, true friend that he could call his own.
For the Bruins game tomorrow night.
For what
For what (2)
For you I will
Free bubblegum in the bathrooms?
Fuck I can't! i'm with lori here i'm already on probation I just I can't
Fuck it bring it in come here bring it in you bastard come on
Fuck it fine
Fuck man!
Fuck shit sorry that's the thing from the the old yeah yeah
Fuck that I traded off yesterday so I got the other shift
Fuck you thunder you can suck my dick you can't get me thunder 'cause you're just god's farts
Fuck!
Fuck! (2)
Fuck! shit
Fucking becky no
Fucking cocksucker motherfucker!
Funny how it always goes with love when you don't look you find
Get closer
Get him!
Get out of here bennett get lost bennett! get out of here bennett! yeah bennett get lost
Get over here!
Give it a couple of hours you'll be golden ponyboy
Go ahead
Go away
Go go go!
Go on spark it up
Go take care of it let me know how she is thank you go
Go take columbus to herald and get on the expressway
Go to your hammock!
Go! go! go!
God is it bad
God johnny I got so much energy we better start doing stupid shit
God there are some fucked up fish out there
Good glad to hear it
Good good let's see how about we how about we play a little game of hide and seek
Good luck thank you
Good morning lori good morning
Goodbye rex
Got it
Great
Great fantastic
Great, we'll be right back. Come on, buddy
Great. Fantastic
Greatest night ever!
Greatest night ever!
Ha ha no just you homos
Half indian but thanks
Hang on!
Happy playtime
Have you ever considered selling the bear
Haven't you been here before
Having discovered at last that all they really needed was each other
He acknowledged it
He currently resides in burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate brandon routh
He knows he screwed up huge but you've got to believe me it wasn't all his fault
He said no he was going to stay there with you and I twisted his arm lori
He talks!
He taught us right from wrong good from evil and that the word acting apparently has an extremely broad definition
He was instantly promoted to store manager
He'll save with a mighty hand every man every woman every child with a mighty flash!
He's a bear
He's for every one of us! stands for everyone of us!
He's going to sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much
He's such an asshole out of control he's such a sleaze
He's the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence
He's waiting down at charlie's right now
Helen get my gun
Helen get my gun and call the police!
Hello
Hello 911 I need the police right away this guy took my teddy bear hello
Hello hello john hello
Hello teddy
Hello?
Helped me hang a garage door you ever hang a garage door with tom skerritt no no
Here it goes in the really important pocket for really important stuff okay okay
Hey
Hey anything for you
Hey buddies where is it hanging
Hey by the way don't let me forget you and I got to nail down a plan for the bruins game tomorrow night
Hey ellen yeah who's that over there
Hey greenbaum!
Hey guys anybody know a nice restaurant like something where they give out free bubblegum in the bathrooms
Hey guys can I play
Hey hey
Hey hey guy what's going on
Hey hey sweetie hey lori hi hi
Hey how are you holding up
Hey jared let's go grab another one of these
Hey johnny how about a beer
Hey johnny I just had a great idea let's go get drunk and puke on cars from the overpass
Hey johnny what are you doing you want to come over and catch a buzz
Hey johnny! total t j hooker right yes! fucking a right!
Hey listen I want you to meet a good pal of mine all right
Hey lori can you set the alarm for 11 00 a m i've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow
Hey man you think you can open more than one register there's like 1000 people here
Hey sam this is the guy I was telling you about
Hey squirt how you doing where's your bunny rabbit
Hey ted
Hey ted (2)
Hey ted (3)
Hey there fella how are you
Hey there hey hi hi
Hey there sweaty
Hey well sounds like everything worked out then huh
Hey what's up you get in the club last night I didn't get in because the bouncer was douche face but I made friends in the line
Hey yes here's to four more years
Hey you walking home alone huh yeah do you need a lift
Hey, Greenbaum!
Hey, Johnny, how about a beer?
Hey! play chopsticks you jazzy slut
Hey! what did daddy just get you for your birthday huh a rake that's right an excellent rake a birthday rake so when you clean the yard you don't have to pick up the leaves with your hands
Hey.
Hi ted
Hi thomas how are you
Holy shit oh my god
Holy shit!
Holy shit! (2)
Holy shit! what
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
How about we play a little game of hide and seek?
How are the neighbors you know there's an asian family living next door but they don't have a gong or nothing so it's not too bad
How are you
How are you doing you fuzzy little asshole
How completely stupid that sounded
How great is this how the four of us out to dinner how long have we been saying we were going to
How was work
How we doing ace you coming down
How you doing good to meet you
How's work it sucks
How's your dickhead boss
Hug me
Huh meat hole what that's not right is it no
I actually went through something like this with my last boyfriend
I am not!
I am not!
I am so fake happy for her
I can offer you 6000 dollars in railroad bonds
I can see that
I cannot just ditch work man
I could have wound up like that asian kid at virginia tech but I didn't 'cause of him
I could sit here and tell you i'm sorry it was a huge misunderstanding and i'm ready to change but I don't think you want to hear any of that crap
I could totally see him just taking you down to the basement and really slowly de limbing you while singing some creepy victorian nursery rhyme
I didn't know you had a baby is it alive
I don't have to i'm a fucking teddy bear
I don't I look like snuggle's accountant
I don't know
I don't know but if it were me i'd be expecting a proposal
I don't know he just said he was in trouble
I don't know I dig chicks man
I don't know I got fucking wasted last night
I don't know I guess most guys wouldn't do that
I don't know I just wish he would get his life together our life and he can't and I swear to god it is because of that bear
I don't know that you want to go to a drug dealer with complaints
I don't know. He just said he was in trouble.
I don't know. I just wish he would get his life together.
I don't really know you but i'm trusting you as a man this is serious
I don't remember any of it I was so fucked up
I don't think so i'm i'm in trouble
I don't understand
I don't understand I really don't thirty five years old and you're still scared of a little thunder
I don't understand why you keep putting up with him
I don't want to work at a grocery store
I found my phone
I fucked her with a parsnip last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children
I gave birth once bitch I could kick your fucking ass
I got it
I got the cheers dvd box set and the guy down at the store told me that everybody talks shit about each other in the interviews
I got to be on my own ted I can't see you anymore
I got to cut out for a bit
I got to fuck her again
I got to go
I got you motherfucker I got you okay
I got you something anyway in clear violation of the no gift rule
I got your back on this she won't know i've been there
I guess I didn't think about that
I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow up question
I guess santa paid attention to how good you were this year huh
I guess this is it huh
I guess we can't make small talk all day huh
I had it freeze dried and bronzed
I had to get some air
I have a boyfriend I have told you this yeah the guy with the bear
I have cool moves yeah so do people with parkinson's
I have given up a huge chunk of my life for you
I have no designs on your girlfriend we work together and that's it
I have so much teddy bear paperwork I have to get to it is sick
I have tickets to norah jones at the hatch shell tonight and I would love it if you would go with me
I have to say i've been following you ever since I was a young boy and I remember seeing you on the carson show you were just wonderful
I hear the fat kid running I hear the fat kid running I bet it's hilarious
I heard you got busted
I heard you got busted.
I just asked you a question
I just farted that was a man fart
I just thought we were saying funny names
I just wanted john and I to be friends
I know and we'll hang out all the time right all the time
I know done man right here in front of you all right
I know I didn't take our relationship seriously but lori I do love you more than life itself
I know I just don't know what to do here
I know I mean me and norah met back in 2002 at this event for this charity that we were both involved with
I know i'm not a talking teddy bear but at least you didn't have to make a magical wish to get me how do you know
I know I'm not a talking teddy bear,
I know it sucks but otherwise i'm going to lose her and I do love her ted
I know sir i'm sorry it wasn't my fault
I know that I don't think of him as an actor anymore he's just like a guy
I know what you did with ted wasn't easy and I just want you to know that I love you for it and I think it's a new beginning for our relationship
I know you do johnny
I know you will
I know you will all right
I know! you know it's like god wanted me to go skydiving you know jesus or jesus him too could be him yeah
I look stupid no you don't you look dapper
I love hide and seek i'll hide
I love you girls you know somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night
I love you I love you too
I love you I love you too (2)
I love you so much you won't be sorry I swear
I love you too
I love you too teddy
I love you!
I love you! (2)
I love you! (3)
I made you out to be a hero
I married the wrong woman and now I lead a life of regret
I mean he has a huge heart and we laugh a lot it's just a bonus that he's the hottest guy in boston
I mean I know exactly what i'm gonna order
I mean if we were together our babies would be spectacular
I mean when you think about it it was actually really unfair of him to embarrass you like that
I mean, when you think about it,
I might be gay I don't know
I need I need to tell you something
I need to talk to you
I need to tell you something.
I owe that to you.
I realize that
I said a bad word one time daddy punished me for it
I saw lori leaving the apartment with rex
I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago
I thank you for saving every one of us
I think I need to clear the air here a little
I think it sucks i'm going to have a talk with him
I think those veneers just make it a smoother ride for me
I think we're very far apart on this
I think we're very far apart on this.
I think you're a great guy and she's a very lucky girl
I think you're being a little more fair to him
I thought that was just for people in florida
I thought the fireman stuck his own finger up his own ass
I thought you were going to be funnier
I told him to bail on you that night at rex's and he said no
I told you I can totally be a lawyer
I try to make duck dinner now plaster everywhere
I want it
I want to be fair to you and to him you know
I want to scare the shit out of somebody.
I want us to keep talking because I think that maybe
I want you to be happy you deserve that
I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend.
I was going to stop in for like five minutes and then flash gordon
I was going to stop in for like five minutes and then Flash Gordon...
I was not a popular child you have to understand I had no friends before he came along
I was the king of the '80s I was ted fucking danson
I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you and there he was picking her up
I went to new york once in 1981 and I just did not feel safe
I will kick you out in five john I have to kick you out
I will sir I promise
I won't dance
I'd call it more than a little treat
I'll help you get on your feet out there I promise
I'll just meet you upstairs then
I'll pick you up at 8 00
I'll tell you what I got your wife's pussy on my breath
I'm 35 years old and i'm going nowhere all I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy fucking bear
I'm alive johnny!
I'm alive your magical wish worked!
I'm always fascinated to meet ted's girlfriends
I'm an asshole I know that it worked for me in high school and it's been a reflex ever since
I'm coming
I'm fine i'm fine I just didn't have time for breakfast and the garage was full
I'm going to have sex with your girlfriend
I'm going to name you teddy
I'm going to punch through it
I'm going to punch through it.
I'm going to show you something that I don't like to show people because I don't want them treating me differently
I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late today all right
I'm gonna pout at you until I get my way
I'm good i'm good
I'm good. I'm good.
I'm in trouble.
I'm just kidding you I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded
I'm just saying let them in yeah let them in
I'm just trying to find a way to keep you both in my life
I'm never going to have a life with you around
I'm not an it pal i'm a he all right
I'm not gay I know and you're not gay so we're fine
I'm not going to let you down goose what top gun so tom skerritt
I'm not going to try to get you to take me back why would you i've been a really shitty boyfriend for the last four years I don't deserve you
I'm not going to wait any longer for my life to start
I'm not going to wait any longer for my life to start.
I'm really glad that you came me too yeah
I'm serious john
I'm so sorry johnny so am I man
I'm so sorry you did everything you could i'm so sorry
I'm sorry little guy but my bear isn't for sale see i've had him since I was about your age he's very very special to me
I'm sorry mr bennett I didn't mean to scare anybody
I'm such a baby 'cause the dolphins make me cry
I'm trying to walk a line here
I've been bumming around with ted too much I know that too
I've been crapping out room for it for two days
I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.
If I had to make a guess I would say that you made up some bullshit excuse to get out of work to go to ted's now am I right
If it's okay with you I just want to say what I want to say
If there's no ski at the end of the root word then we would just be idiots saying nonsense
If you can cover for me i'm cool with all that other shit
If you can punch through this wall you really are flash gordon
If you think that by making shit like that up you're going to make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her you're out of your fucking mind
If you want to make some sort of arrangement here's my address and phone number and you can call me any time okay
Is he all mine daddy
Is it 9 30 yeah shit I got to get to work!
Is it a hugging gun
Is it okay if I kick your boss's ass that won't affect your workplace chemistry will it
Is that a flash gordon ray gun or are you just happy to see me
Is that cannibalism
Is that my ringtone oh yeah
It began in 1985 in a town just outside boston
It doesn't feel like four years does it no it doesn't
It doesn't sound very mellow
It doesn't sound very mellow
It doesn't work
It has been said that magic vanished from our world a long time ago and that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires through the power of wishes
It just seems kind of gay doesn't it I don't know maybe yeah
It should be right here somewhere
It was christmas eve and all the children were in high spirits
It was fine
It was fine.
It was in the handicapped stall so it was nicer than the regular stalls
It was pretty bad
It was you you did it
It works out so much better for you when you and I are getting fucked up on the couch at 9 00 a m doesn't it
It'll be great when it's furnished
It's a miracle.
It's a special night we've been dating for four years
It's a special night. We've been dating for four years.
It's all right go go go i'll pull out of here
It's an old sweater huh
It's easy we just got to nail a lot of girls named stephanie
It's going to be all right
It's jesus' birthday tomorrow and you know what i'm gonna get him what my fist in your fucking face!
It's Lance Armstrong's nut
It's not even getting me high. I got to have a talk with my weed guy.
It's not that big of a deal
It's not that big of a deal
It's okay i'll drive you I feel fine
It's the truth i'm telling you
It's working for me
Jesus
Jesus christ!
Jesus christ! what the fuck man
Jesus fucking christ!
Jesus guy you look like shit man what happened
Jesus h fuck!
Jesus I am so sorry I didn't see you it was an accident
Jesus I look like the robot from aliens
Jesus this is weak it's not even getting me high I got to have a talk with my weed guy
Jesus you look fantastic
Jesus!
Jesus! lori was right
John
John (2)
John all you got to do is not fuck up and you get my job when I go to corporate next month you're the new branch manager
John and lori were married in cambridge by a very special justice of the peace
John became instantly attached to teddy
John bennett
John five minutes and then i'll kick you out I promise just come over
John flash gordon was the most important influence of our formative years
John get away from that thing get over here right now
John I hope that listen I don't want you to think that
John I look like something you give your kid when you tell him grandma died
John I need a man not a little boy with a teddy bear
John I need you out of the apartment tonight
John it's almost 10 00
John it's me can you hear me
John longed with all his heart
John longed with all his heart for that one true friend that he could call his own
John look don't you think after four years maybe she's hoping for something more than dinner
John picked the perfect night to make a wish.
John wait listen I love you!
John was just about the happiest boy in the world and he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news
John we could do that again
John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years
John, we could do that again.
JOHN: It should be right here, somewhere.
JOHN: Shit!
John! may I speak with you please
John! May I speak with you, please?
John.
Johnny
Johnny i'm frightened
Johnny i'm i'm sorry
Johnny i'm sorry man that car just came out of nowhere
Johnny it's me
Johnny open the door please I want to talk
Johnny thank christ you made it
Johnny there you are p
Johnny where are you you got to get over here man
Johnny, there you are. I had to get some air.
Johnny!
Johnny!
Johnny! (2)
Just a man with a man's courage he knows nothing but a man but he can never fail
Just give me the car keys
Just give me the car keys
Just give me the car keys (2)
Just go out with me one time
Just go out with me one time and if you're miserable and you hate it then I promise I will never even hint at the subject again please
Just tell him you don't feel well
Just to be clear i'm not embarrassed
Language!
Lauren charlene chantal courtney misty jenny krista mindy noelle shelby trina reba cassandra
Let him try it man
Let me ask you something
Let me out of here you crazy bastard!
Let's all be best friends
Let's do some shots with you oh my god yes! oh my god yes! totally yes!
Let's give him a job maybe he'll give us a few laughs around the office
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's see how well you know these streets
Liberty fast track skerritt john
Like something where they give out
Like we work we worked on my garage two months ago
Like what
Like, where are you from?
Listen I just want to say thank you
Listen if you're here to fight john's battles for him
Listen john and I may have our problems but at least he tried
Listen john there's something that I need to say to you too
Listen speaking of classy ciao bella is a really expensive restaurant
Listen to your father! come here!
Listen to yourself what am I emperor ming here controlling your mind that's your choice john
Listen why don't john and I go get a drink at the bar sure great we'll be right back come on buddy
Listen you got to let me help you make things right with you and lori
Listen, I don't want you to think that...
Listen, I just want to say thank you
Little john bennett
Look all i'm saying is that boston women are on the whole a paler uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life
Look at that one wasp y white guy fish
Look at the hair on my upper lip that's man hair
Look at these pecs these are man pecs
Look I don't know if I can drive!
Look I know it sucks okay but you've got to make some money so you can pay for an apartment
Look i'll be back in 30 minutes tops okay
Look i'm going to cut the shit here
Look i'm only saying this because I love you
Look i'm sorry I messed up
Look i'm trying to get my shit together and be an adult here for lori's sake
Look john loves you very much more than anything in the world and he's falling to fucking pieces without you
Look johnny if we're ever going to get serious about opening a restaurant we got to start planning it now italian italian yes
Look just let me talk first all right and then you can say whatever you want
Look lori you want him to be a man but as long as he's got his teddy bear he's always going to be a boy
Look that was a tough night for all of us
Look the point is you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself
Look we're very interested in the bear
Look what jesus did! look what jesus did! look what jesus did!
Look you remember when you were 10 and you hit that squirrel with your bb gun and then when we saw it fall from the tree we both started crying you remember
Look, I know it sucks, okay?
Look, I'm only saying this because I love you.
Lori and I have been dating four years tomorrow I want to take her some place really nice
Lori and I may just need a little space right now
Lori ever fart in front of you yeah really yeah many times
Lori get the stuffing get it all
Lori hey you're home early
Lori how you doing I haven't talked to you in forever
Lori I lori! lori wait please
Lori I need to see you in my office
Lori i've wanted to give this to you for a long time
Lori look he's been my best friend since I was eight
Lori lori please I love you
Lori the worst that can happen is that you go on a fun casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk
Lori this is angelique heavenly cherene and sauvignon blanc
Lori tried to break up a dog fight and I guess she got hurt pretty bad
Lori was right about you
Lori what hey what are you doing here
Lori why don't you like me i'm rich i'm good looking my dad owns the company
Lori will you marry me
Lori,
Lori, please, I love you.
Lori!
Lori's a senior vp at a big huge pr firm
Making yourself look like a pussy.
Maybe a mike brew gaslowski
Maybe no to a snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt
Maybe she's hoping for something more than dinner?
Me and ted are going to be best friends daddy
Me it's not my fault she can't speak english
Merry christmas everybody
Michelob ultra tuscan orange g****fruit
Ming?
Mmm well that's how much I love you
Mom dad guess what my teddy bear's alive!
More importantly I was sam fucking mayday malone
Move sucker!
My buddy's in town with his cousin and who do you think is with him sam jones
My daughter better be alive you sick son of a bitch
My god america is imploding
My longest relationship was like six months and then she farted in her sleep i'm like i'm out of here man I was gone before she woke up
My name is wan ming ming
My phone says I texted someone at 3 15 asking them to beat me up and then at 4 30 I texted the same person saying 'thanks'
My relationship is at a very delicate stage you know
Mystery solved I guess right she was taking a shit
NARRATOR: It has been said that magic vanished from our world
NARRATOR: John became instantly attached to Teddy
NARRATOR: Now, if there's one thing you can be sure of,
Never mind take her to benihana
Nice good huh good job take pride in that
Nice! yeah
Nikki kelsey shawna jolene earline claudine savannah kasey dolly kendra carla chloe devon emmylou
No I can't do that that would devastate him
No I can't i'm taking lori to dinner
No I don't think a firefighter would do that
No I don't think she is
No I know this guy a long time i've known him since 911
No I think i'd rather just have you take me home
No I think it's only cannibalism if you swallow
No i'm fine i'm fine
No i'm good thank you
No it has to have a ski at the end of it otherwise where's the challenge
No it's fine
No john don't hang up! i'm in trouble
No john we can get her back
No look at me buddy I promise you're going to be okay
No lori's from pennsylvania that's not a boston girl
No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're corey feldman frankie muniz justin bieber or a talking teddy bear eventually nobody gives a shit
No mexicans though
No mom he's really alive look
No no
No no and it kills me to have to tell you no because i'm a people pleaser

Viral
Funny