Theo Von Soundboard
Theodor Capitani von Kurnatowski is an American stand-up comedian, podcaster, television personality, YouTuber, and actor. He is the host of the This Past Weekend podcast and former co-host of The King and the Sting podcast. He was born March 19, 1980. See also: Konstantin Kisin, Theo, Bobby Lee, Erik Griffin, Theo von Brockhusen, and Road Rules: Maximum Velocity Tour.
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Also, I'm drinking like Monster Energy drinks sometimes, which are like piss magnets. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're delicious, but they make you wanna pee. Make you wanna beat your wife too, dude, I've...
And I stayed up the other night watching Nancy Grace. I wish somebody would kidnap this bitch.
And I was making like a nice smoothie, and I'm fucking coked up. I'm partying, you know, I'm living high on the hog. There's two vests on maybe, right? And I thought, I thought I heard something ou...
He don't give a fuck about me.
I dare you eat a black woman, dude. She'll be pissed.
I don't drive taxi, bro.
I don't even want to feel good.
I don't know if the monsters the cause of it. I think there's probably other other factors. Well, I'll say this, it's the beverage of choice of some of those, gentlemen. I'll say that.
I grew up in my neighborhood. We didn't have a lot of diversity in my neighborhood.
I swear to God, dude. And he had you not run out of places to make new holes. Did you think you ever dug up old shit to put in new shit? Oh yeah, I wouldn't be surprised, man. We basically had like...
It was awesome, bro.
It was hectic sometimes.
Least you're out here making money for your family, OK? I don't have a family, dude.
Like I don't want to die in the wrong shoes, you know?
My friends are Alcoholics. And I'm competitive.
My whole life has just been this constant struggle with every moment, like I'm just wrestling with every second just to feel OK.
She just looks like a liar to me.
So he comes back to my apartment, right? He's fucking pissed. He unlocks the door. There's nobody in there. Oh my God. Like, man, But that's it. It was fun.
Well, when I was a kid, they had a boy in our neighborhood named Mario, right? And he and he was his dude. He ended up dying, actually. He did some pills and drove into an embankment. But he when I...
What do they put in it? Cigarettes.
What the fuck dude?
When I really think back on my life, like I've always just felt uncomfortable.
Where the fuck is a driver, bro?
You're high on cocaine. But at least you're working.

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Theo Von Soundboard

Theodor Capitani von Kurnatowski is an American stand-up comedian, podcaster, television personality, YouTuber, and actor. He is the host of the This Past Weekend podcast and former co-host of The King and the Sting podcast. He was born March 19, 1980.
See also: Konstantin Kisin, Theo, Bobby Lee, Erik Griffin, Theo von Brockhusen, and Road Rules: Maximum Velocity Tour.