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Home > The 40 Year Old Virgin...
Warning: This soundboard may contain objectionable content, and is Not Safe For Work (NSFW)
About to go see Ellen in a little bit.
All the way.
And a full house.
And believe it or not, in every man, there's a code written that says:
And compromise the integrity of it
And I've never been in this place.
And play in the Aquafields.
And she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.
And that's what you guys are.
And then her kid walked in the room.
And then you call them a bunch of times...
And they both hurt equally.
And we didn't think you have the balls to do it yourself.
And what we should be doing right now is getting to know each other
Are we allowed to do that?
At least he can cook, Mom.
Because she's dating this pot dealer.
But you don't actually sell anything in the store?
But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that.
By the way, what date are you on, now?
Come on
Come on, just go around me!
Couldn't get the condoms to work
Dan rhymes with man, and men jerk off.
Do you have any extra large condoms?
Do you want me to be fucking retarded?
Dude, I'm not gonna hit on Bernadette
Dude, just stop thinking for a minute, all right?
Dude! New pants, man.
Dude. Hey, partner. What are you whining about?
Fo show
Fuck it. "Pussy" is a scientific word
Go shoot yourself in the fucking head.
God, Friday, when I went home...
God, I hope I get my period soon.
Have you ever felt a breast before, man?
Hey, motherfucker!
Hi, I'm Andy. You look comfortable
I also wanted to call...
I always say.
I apologize, but it's too late.
I can't do it.
I don't really have a good answer for that, Andy. I just...
I don't understand
I hired her for you.
I just want to please you.
I literally said nothing. And she found me fascinating
I spent the last two years of my life regretting it.
I think I almost got them. It's hooked on my ankle.
I want to take you underneath the Eiffel Tower and make love to you.
I would rather watch Beautician and the Beast.
I'm all right.
I'm going to give you a couple of Jay's shifts.
I'm gonna really take care of you tonight.
I'm not bitter. I almost lost a nipple, okay?
I'm not gonna be done buffing the marble..
I'm on my break, okay?
I'm sorry
I've been working there for a long time.
I've never been in before.
In some creepy apartment, that's what I'm saying
Is it The Apprentice?
Isn't that sweet?
It was a very bad night
It's a dead technology.
It's a free country, Bambi. I can smoke out here if I want to.
It's all right. Come on. You know, it's just...
It's so funny.
Let's see
Like the gayest thing you could possibly do, okay?
Look out. Just kill it.
Looking to get back up on that pogo stick.
Mmm hmm
Mmm hmm.
Mooj, we try to be fair with the schedule but it's hard.
No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
No, I'm not okay.
No, you didn't.
Now, you really need to be there
Oh, drag, dude.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. I'm in trouble.
Okay, hold up.
Okay, just... We're almost there.
Okay, so I'll call you, and yeah, that'll be good
Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
One, two, three.
One, two.
Or like the long National Geographic nipples
Really? Are you having sex right now?
Really... God, yes.
She wants to go to the family health clinic.
So uncool.
So what's in the box?
So why do you have a store?
So will you go talk to her?
So, shit, man. Fuck it.
So, you actually wrote that one girl looked like...
So, you want me to take her?
That boy is stubborn.
That you're all stealing the recordable CDs.
That's a lot of weed.
That's incredible. I wouldn't have done it without you.
That's the long and short of it.
That's the second time I've heard that.
That's totally what's going to happen
That's what you want to find, okay?
They're not fucking toys! This is Iron Man, okay?
This is kind of lame. You wanna get out of here?
This is not professional.
This right here, you looking at the Bentley of big screen TVs
Too bad I retired my penis
Turban now? Do you see any fucking turban here?
Twenty one
Wait a minute.
Watch TV, I'll probably re watch Gandhi.
Watch your mouth, and help me with the sale.
Way to sell a big TV.
We appreciate your business.
We are all so happy for you.
We did this 'cause we're your friends...
Well, good timing.
Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
What are you, some kind of sex pervert?
What you did with you's own hand.
When your son is born, is he already in parole?
Where do you put the penis?
Who's about to watch her friend get married to a guy.
Why did you cheat on her?
Why don't you get her back right now?
Why don't you kiss something?
With a population of, like, 500 people. Really small.
With his own gayness.
With you guys?
Wow. Okay.
Yeah, I am taking vacation next week, so..
Yeah, I'm meeting somebody
Yeah, well, virgin's not a dirty word
Yes, it is.
Yes. I've never been more embarrassed in my life.
Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
You always win is the best part about the game
You don't get the set. I'll throw in the DVD.
You got a whole lot of semen back up in you.
You guys are so up your asses.
You guys, this is not funny!
You have sex and that's the long...
You know his foot gonna be bigger than this.
You know what, you should come by sometime if you want, you know...
You know...
You need to plant a lot of seeds.
You see, over by the post
You take three Excedrin PMs...
You the club rat. I'm not the one that be going out.
You wouldn't be saying this shit.
You're psyching yourself into thinking it's some impossible feat.
...that you should probably drive. I drive a bike.
Can I come in? Yeah
Come on, man. Okay.
Dawn of the Dead, man. Great.
Do it! Just hold. Okay, here we go
Fuck you! Fuck off. Fuck off.
How you doing? Congratulations.
How you doing? I'm great. I like your store.
I'll pray for your cock. Okay, thanks.
I'm good. How're you doing? I'm doing great.
It was a disaster. Really?
Jay. Be tough, Andy, you got it.
Let me out. I can't hear what you're saying
No. As good as it gets.
Okay, see you over there. Okay.
Okay. Okay?
See you later. Have a good night
There is masturbation. Masturbation. Play with yourself.
This is James. James
Way to go, man. Politicked his ass off.
With the big old titties. I'm not gonna stare at a woman
Yeah, I better go back to work. Yeah.
Yeah, that's the right thing. Yeah.
Yes, I am. Yeah.
You game? No.
You know what else is sexy? What?
You know what I'm saying? Excuse me.
You know? Yeah.
You like her? Yeah.
You ready? Yeah.
You want to know where there's one? Yeah.
'cause once this baby's born, you ain't going out again...
'Cause you're gay and you can tell who other gay people are?
# And Jupiter aligns with Mars #
# Aquarius #
# Got a weird thing to show you #
# Let the sunshine #
# Let the sunshine #
# Let the sunshine #
# Let the sunshine in #
# The sunshine in #
# Then peace will guide the planets #
# We ain't talking about no #
# Y'all can't stop me now #