Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) - Season 1 Edit

A dip is kinda supposed to be a quick thing.

Admire your commitment to the health of your wrist tendons

Also, she got the promotion you didn't take

And she ate off her own lips.

And you have the nerve to sit here

At least it's kosher salt!

But every time you show up,

But I also kinda want to punch her in the arm.

But then, last night, I sat down and actually read it

Can you not do that?

Can you stop telling me what to do. Okay?

Chan man. Saw those, uh, pics

Come in

Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me

Every year after my dad my left,

Great

Hey, by the way, you finished, right?

I could really go for some Burger King right now

I I can't wait any longer

I just want to be her friend

I know that for a fact

I know... nothing about life

I like Rebecca but I don't... like Rebecca.

I think she has asthma.

I'd throw glitter at him right now.

I'm haven't completely given up.

I'm not Audra Levine, and I

Is just sink my teeth into animal flesh, you know?

Is what this night could have been

It's cool. I know you're writing a paper on me.

It's like boom, feelings.

It's the one rainy day in the middle of a five year drought.

Josh Chan loves you.

Leave it.

Led to the unhealthiest decision I ever made

Leprechaun blood?

Let's just go back to having a good time, okay?

Let's leave the children out of this.

Like we're normal

Like, really. No, like, really awful decisions

Look who's about to come in.

Mine is Rutherford B. Hayes,

Mmm.

My cousin tried bath salts

My preliminary diagnosis of the subject

No

No, no, no, no. Let's do something to cheer you up.

No, no. I I I went... I went to Northridge

Oh, God, no.

Oh, okay. Well, you stop looking at that, 'cause that's not healthy

Oh, sweet, a gown.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Okay, I've got to say...

Okay, you caught me

On his birthday I... I'd send him, like,

Or maybe like...

Put me on video chat or whatever

So twirly.

So, once a week I Google trivia

So, what should I do

So... I will have...

Take a hint, dude

That it's cool for me and Josh to hang out, you know,

That one was a false alarm.

That's hot. That actually helps me last longer.

That's just not me, okay? Like,

That's, like, my favorite fire.

The butter is flying off the shelves, but..

The hipster one tastes like..

Uh...

Um, I gotta get this in to Aloha.

Wait, you're going to ask out Rebecca?

Well, it sounded like he was a crappy father... he deserved glitter

Well, she didn't really answer.

When you're feeling this bad? And don't say get a tattoo

Why is it weird to be obsessed

With the flash point that single handedly ignited labor reform

Yeah

Yeah, okay. Okay

You activate the bro code

You did it in a dream, and you..

You know how he gets

You know what? Just... you.

You know what? This is pretty... disgusting.

You know, whether the book was a prequel or first draft

You put, like, leaves in a juicer and you... made that?

You want it to be all okay, but there's no waking up

You want one?

You're out of material for your paper?

You're thinking, "Well, are you Audra Levine?"

You're welcome

Your future is in your hands

(quietly) I'm sorry. No, I will not step outside

(snaps fingers) ♪ Settle for me ♪

♪ She's the crazy ex girlfriend ♪ Can you guys

a lifestyle choice, you know? Yeah.

♪ Is right down the hall, okay? ♪ ♪ Okay ♪

I know. Even her wrists are pretty.

I really should pick this up. No, don't. No, no, no. You know what,

Oh. But...

Okay. Just give me the... phone. Oh. Oh! Ninja!

Try me, Greg. Try me. Okay. Okay

What's that supposed to mean? It's very funny. It's cute,

Yeah. So, I still like you, Yeah, okay.

(both sigh)

(laughing) No. Stop messing with me. I know it's weird

(laughing) That's what he does. He pops up, disappears.

(people cheering)

(phone chimes)

(phone chimes)

(quietly) Oh

(Rebecca) That Harper Lee analogy

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sputters)

(touch tones beeping)

(trumpets play closing phrase)

(whooping, cheering)

♪ And please don't be a murderer ♪

♪ And please don't harvest my kidney ♪

♪ Don't steal ♪

♪ He got a tight ass bod, big brown eyes ♪

♪ Hey, sexy stranger, come back to my place ♪

♪ Hey, sexy stranger, let's go to my place ♪

♪ I almost taste the same ♪

♪ I just forgot to do the dishes ♪

♪ I'm not the one you adore ♪

♪ In a sad way, darling, it's fate ♪

♪ Little girl ♪

♪ Maybe, just maybe, settle for me... ♪

♪ Pl pl please don't be a murderer ♪

♪ Please don't be a murderer ♪

♪ Schmoopy pie, I'm begging you, please ♪

♪ Settle for me ♪

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

♪ So lower those expectations ♪

♪ STDs ♪

♪ Uh, your balls smell weird ♪

♪ Yes, Josh is a dream ♪

♪ You haven't aired out those balls in hours ♪

♪

♪ A bit more realistic ♪

♪ But if tonight, or tomorrow ♪

♪ Maybe it's time to grow up ♪

♪ So settle for me ♪