Fred Claus (2007) Edit

A sh There aren't any sheiks in India.

A Superman cape.

Aah!

Absolutely, it's a hot spot. Think romance, and think getting lost.

According to our records, his father passed away a year ago.

Africa plus Asia, plus Europe, North America, South America.

Ah, family's together again. Fun, fun, fun.

Ah, that last stint in jail has sharpened that rapier wit of yours.

Ah, well, that sounds like it's gonna be dandy.

Ah.

Ah.

Airmail it! Airmail it to me right now! Let's get jacked up!

All of a sudden, you get a little extra money. Uncle Sam's none the wiser.

All over the world, children are writing to Santa...

All right, come here a second.

All right, everyone. Oh, my goodness...

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, let's stomp it out.

All right, that's enough, all right! You and I got a problem!

All right? But if the kid strikes you as nice...

All right. All right, all right.

All the kids' letters come here to the North Pole Post Office...

All we're gonna do is a little bit of a baby sway.

And another 20. Let me see what you got.

And as of right now, each and every one of you little adorable munchkins is fired.

And eventually, he stopped thinking and he flew.

And finally, the toys are stored until Christmas Eve, when Santa delivers them.

And he is one strike away from shutting me down.

And he's gonna contact you and make you feel the hurt that I feel from your handlers.

And I got a lot of stuff going on, uh, because of it.

And I just don't know if I'm ever, you know, gonna be able to fully recover now.

And I made the decision, even though I could have brought the house down...

And I promised to be the best big brother in the world.

And I think you know what that means.

And I want you to believe in yourself, Slam...

And I would never ask you to do that, Fred.

And I, uh, feel this way all the time.

And I'll give you my card.

And I'm feeling very uncomfortable with where you're coming from.

And I'm telling you right now...

And if someone doesn't step in and help him, why...

And it begins right here.

And it was your responsibility, of course, to keep track of them.

And it's not gonna be cheap. I got a lawyer that's got vowels in his last name, Nick.

And last year, we barely made it. Want cookie.

And like many unhappy children...

And my mother always told me, since I was a little kid:

And so it went for Fred.

And some of them don't feel listened to.

And that knish? Let me just have one of these.

And the answer to that is no. I want him to know how it feels not to be respected...

And the next part of Fred's story occurs in a time and place...

And the only thing that breaks that up is you announcing it's the same song.

And the rest will all... All kind of fall into place.

And the way your whole family treats you.

And then Rocky came out, and, uh, things changed, you know?

And then when Rocky III came out...

And then you make excuses...

And to be honest, if you decide to punish him, I'm not gonna be mad at you.

And today is today, and we shouldn't be wasting it arguing with each other.

And what about trouble?

And why are you standing there judging me with your arms folded?

And you have a 55 inch Plasma TV in your room?

And you know how to do that, right?

And you know what?

And you know what? Till somebody comes along and outs down that big tree...

And you said, "No, Wanda, I don't."

And you're gonna have a child before you graduate college.

Anna Marie Gormley.

Annette was right about you. Mom was right about you.

Another request for "Here Comes Santa Claus!"

Are you Fred?

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me with the "Santa Claus" again?

Are you nuts?

Are you out of your mind?

Are you there ?

As you can see from the chart labeled 116 9C...

At, uh, a pretty exciting new hot spot here in town called...

Back to work.

Baseball bats, lose four seconds, 55...

Bays. Boys, easy.

Because he's inventive.

Because he's not a naughty kid either.

Because you know how sometimes, if my grandma's sick...

Because you thought that that was gonna change everything.

Big Red is entering Zone One. I repeat, Big Red is entering Zone One.

Blame it all on me, right? It's all my fault. How convenient.

Bob, settle down.

Bring all that green goodness that you have on and bring it right up on me.

Bring it in.

Bring it. Bring it right now.

Bring up Fred Claus from earlier today, please.

Bring your action down here. That's it. Give me that action.

But as I told you before, this is a story about Fred.

But every kid deserves a present on Christmas.

But Fred's promise is just the beginning of his story.

But he picked himself up and he'd keep trying.

But I assure you, this is a story you have never heard before.

But I could control being Bill Clinton's brother.

But I didn't give you a Superman cape, did I?

But I don't know how Santa's gonna know where to bring me my gifts this year...

But I feel like my brother's Santa Claus because my brother really is Santa Claus.

But if you want the rest of this, then you're just gonna have to come up here.

But it's not just you. We're putting the tooth fairy on a one child, one tooth system.

But no, I started to cry again.

But no, that's not the way life works, right?

But some of them are scared.

But then get on with your life. It's getting a bit...

But to be honest with you, my chi...really strong right now.

But what do you say we give him his shot?

But what I'm trying to tell you is...

But while Fred grew worse...

But why did he bite them?

But your pal, Fred.

But, Fred, it's so catchy.

But, um...

By the time the sun rises, it will all be over.

Call me crazy, but my mom comes and visits me for the holidays every year.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Can I see some identification, please?

Can you change that again, please?

Can you hear me? It's Fred calling.

Can you pull over, please?

Can't dance yet.

Catch it, catch it, catch it one time.

Charlene, do you think it's possible we can make enough gifts to meet our quota?

Charlene, mention this to no one.

Charlene. We still have plenty of time, don't we?

Charlene's as good with numbers as she is beautiful.

Charlie Brown...

Chart 345 11B shows that today...

Chirp Chirp never returned.

Christmas One, are you there? Over.

Christmas One, do you copy?

Christmas One, take your heading off one zero niner.

Christmas One, veer right...

Christmas.

Clyde Archibald Northcutt...

Clyde Northcutt is not from Human Resources, Fred.

Come along now.

Come on, big guy. Turn around and show me what you don't know.

Come on, boy. Hi.

Come on, come on, come on, just a little bit.

Come on, he can't take us all!

Come on, I like that one. That's a good one.

Come on, let's loosen it up in here!

Come on, now, that massage chair, that looked very, very expensive.

Come on, this beautiful green angel. Now, put one hand here.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Don't be like that. Fred.

Come on. Get out of your head for a second. Get into your body.

Come on. I'm not gonna go running to Mom.

Consider it a meal and sparkling conversation.

Considering that you didn't have the time to come to our anniversary party.

Considering what?

Dear Santa...

Do I wanna try to get physical? Do I wanna pound this elf's head in?

Do it to me, how do I steer this thing?

Do you gotta go over the couch? With the feet.

Do you guys mind giving me just a moment alone with my brother here?

Do you have any ethnic in your background? Any ethnicity in your background?

Do you really think Henry needs a journal with the name "Nicholas" on the cover?

Do you remember what you wrote on the card, Frederick?

Do you see? It's over. Congratulations, Fred.

Don't be a cheerleader for Santa Claus. Think about it, watch the angles.

Don't bring a snowmobile to a snowball fight, Nick.

Don't come in bouncing off the walls.

Don't drink the Kool Aid.

Don't get physical with me. We're trying to share.

Don't look at me, look at him.

Don't pay your bills again. Next time I'll come and take your wife from you.

Don't tell that to this guy. I had to go on a yoga retreat.

Don't try and pretend you knew it was my birthday...

Don't you have a date with a guy who forgot to plug his meter?

Don't you think? Also, we're gonna dump the Easter bunny.

Done, done.

Done.

Donnie, stop. You're acting like an untrained dog.

Each and every toy that a child asks for is handmade by the elves.

El Paso.

Emma Short.

Especially the elves.

Ever since he was a little boy.

Every time he managed to make his parents proud...

Everyone, this is Mr. Northcutt.

Excuse me, Mr. Santa Claus. It's been very pleasant to come to the North Pole...

Excuse me?

Failure to administrate backup records.

Feel it. Stay with it.

Feel like my brother's Santa Claus.

Five thousand dollars?

For me.

Four Eyed Clyde.

Fred loved Nicholas from the first moment he met him.

Fred, fine. Look, I'll tell you what...

Fred, Fred, Fred!

Fred, he's an elf that plays records.

Fred, I can't even tell a joke.

Fred, I don't I don't...

Fred, I don't need to tell you how very important these files are.

Fred, I feel ridiculous.

Fred, I have a bad feeling about this.

Fred, I need you.

Fred, it's 4:15.

Fred, it's Christmas Eve.

Fred, not everybody falls down on his face in front of the girl he loves.

Fred, will you go home right this minute.

Fred!

Fred.

Fred.

Fred. What in the heck are you doing?

Freddie, do you know what tomorrow is?

Freddie, go home. I don't wanna talk to you. Go home.

Freddie, I am so glad you took my invitation for dinner.

Freddie, I'm mad at you. No, I'm seriously mad at you.

Freddie, will you tell me about the surprise?

Frederick, don't you look nice.

Frederick, it's a saintly thing he does.

Frederick, why are you so upset?

Frederick?

Frederick.

Frederick. I noticed how much you liked the tree...

Frederick. We're having a family intervention.

Get ahold of yourself. Take a breath. Stop swinging at me. Will you calm down?

Get it through your head. I am not going to dinner.

Get lost, guy.

Get my blood pumping. Start to feel it.

Get out of the way!

Get that 50 G's in my hands. Call me back. Let's do this.

Get up, get up, get up!

Get your blood pumping.

Give a call when you get a chance, as soon as possible. Okay?

Glasses off.

Go 20 degrees past Dallas towards Lubbock.

Go ahead, just send me $50,000 on top of the 5, okay?

Go ahead. Would you like to take a turn now?

Go find a date. Maybe get lucky with an elf on the way out.

Go to dinner with you?

Go to school, you're comfortable to play sports.

God, it's good hearing your voice. How've things been with you?

God. Okay, Donnie. It's one song that's being played over and over and over again.

Going down this thing here, it's, uh...

Good Lord.

Good luck finding your way in the dark without a candle, Freddie.

Good luck. Hope it goes well.

Good morning, Fred. Honey, may I have a word with you, please?

Good night, Fred.

Good night, Fred.

Good night, sweet prince.

Good night, Willie. Thank you for having me.

Good, all right. I gotta hustle, because I gotta meet somebody right now, okay?

Got you. Got you.

Great.

Great. Now, if I was a girl, I'd get goose bumps with what you just brought.

Great. Okay.

Great. Put another hand here. Come on, grip it. Don't be shy.

Growing child demands and increasingly complicated toy making...

Ha ha. Oh, Nicholas.

Ha, ha. You're flying.

Ha.

Ha. Nice outfit. What the heck do you think you're doing?

Half the time, I feel like I don't even exist.

Happy birthday.

Has he gotten into trouble with the law?

Have a nice night.

Have a slice of challah.

Have some gravy, darling. The potatoes are awfully dry.

Have you been spying on me?

He began to resent his brother, his parents...

He has developed acid reflux and sleep apnea.

He is not.

He presents himself like, "Look at me, I'm so nice."

He puts on a big red suit...

He then decided to lay his hands on me and get physical and tried to hurt me, Nick.

He was my roadie, used to carry my amps.

He'd run and he'd fall flat on his face.

He'll be with us through Christmas.

He's a fame junkie.

He's a fame junkie. The guy's a clown.

He's a megalomaniac. It's all a big shell game.

He's an efficiency expert.

He's getting paid. He's got a whole thing happening.

He's got a bigger reach than you, Bob.

He's having a tough time getting off the ground, huh?

He's perfect in every way.

Head 12 degrees north into London.

Hello, I hope I'm not intruding...

Here comes "Here Comes Santa Claus" on NP 100.

Here it is, Fred, Santa's Workshop.

Here it is. What do you think?

Here you go, Nicholas. I made this for you.

Here's your wallet back.

Hey there, give me a hug. You gorgeous leopard. Meow.

Hey, DJ.

Hey, Donnie. DJ Donnie.

Hey, eggnog for Fred, Frosty.

Hey, Fred, I've already made your sleeping arrangements for you.

Hey, Fred, it's Leon. It's the 22nd. This is your big day, buddy.

Hey, Fred.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Hey, guys.

Hey, hey, uh, DJ Donnie. Say hey to my big brother, Freddie.

Hey, Jerry Garcia, I'm having a talk with someone who I You're the worst.

Hey, lady.

Hey, sweetheart, I know you're home!

Hi, Roger.

Hi.

Hi. Hi, boy.

Hmm.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Everybody loves

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Everybody loves Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Everybody loves Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Everybody loves Christmas!

Ho, ho, holy cow.

Ho, ho.

Ho,ho,ho.

Ho!

Ho.

Honey, you think I'd look silly if I dyed it?

Hopefully, I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

How about I make it up to you? Let me take you to dinner.

How am I ever gonna be seen in public again? It's ridiculous.

How much are you actually feeding those elves?

How'd you get here? Did you steal a sled from some little kid?

How'd you get to work today? You roll?

How's he gonna...?

Huh.

I am confident that they will impress you, sir.

I am not stressed out.

I am sorry to rush you, but we have to keep Santa on schedule...

I bet you do, it's America. You know what I mean?

I better check up on the all girls Swedish swimming team.

I can see it now. Sixteen thousand bags of Cheetos later...

I can't do that, Nick. I think you know that. Uh...

I can't move.

I can't, Fred.

I couldn't control being brother of the president of the United States.

I couldn't have said it any better. Freddie, that is what you do.

I couldn't miss you if I tried because you're so fat.

I despise reindeer.

I did have a thought. But Fred's not going to like it.

I did you a favor. You get outside, play around, make some friends.

I didn't take any of the files out of the room. I never got to the S's.

I didn't want to become first brother, especially for the rest of my life.

I don't care. I'm Slam.

I don't hate you, Nick.

I don't have to take your abuse!

I don't know how to dance. I don't know the steps.

I don't know what it is you're into, but something's real kind of creepy about you...

I don't know what this is about...

I don't see your permit. You need a permit to work this street.

I don't think it's gonna make much of a difference, Willie.

I don't think that's a good idea, me and you to be with each other.

I don't understand, Fred.

I don't wish to hate him. He means well.

I even enjoyed the card that came with it.

I fear that I had a very incorrect...

I feel good coming here. I like it here.

I feel great about it. Let me feel good?

I find all the good kids.

I found myself in a business opportunity with a sheik. From India.

I gave you $5000. Merry Christmas.

I get it. We're two brothers talking now, I know where you're coming from.

I got the money. Maybe we're not underst I got the money.

I have a bro I have the same mother and father...

I have a feeling I'd be much more comfortable back in my little hut...

I have a surprise planned for you for your birthday, but you ruined it.

I have no idea why you won't send 50 so I can blow it into 60 and give you 10.

I have put you with Willie.

I have to get the money in a liquid situation so that I can pour it.

I just can't stay mad at you.

I just got a lot on my mind is all.

I just love meeting people's families. I find it so...

I just told you, I would know if I I didn't take any" What is going on here?

I just wish you were never born.

I know that. The birthday thing, that I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know you got more Blitzen in you than you realize.

I know, I know, but...

I know, Willie, I know.

I know.

I like it.

I like where you're headed, but for these purposes, let's just keep it professional.

I looked like a total idiot out there.

I love her. I love her.

I made the outfit myself, Mother.

I mean, because this isn't funny to all of us here in the group.

I mean, Easter and bunnies and eggs and all that.

I mean, it's a bit odd that they're checking up on me now.

I need it by the 22nd. The best I can do.

I never bashed anything. That wasn't bashing anybody. Don't make up lies.

I never realized it before.

I promise to be the best big brother in the whole world, Nicholas.

I really, really need your help.

I remember that. Try fitting that down the chimney, huh?

I say the last line first. I'm afraid everyone's gonna stop listening.

I studied for three weeks.

I thank you, Frederick.

I think we're flying blind up here.

I think we're gonna make it!

I think we're making some real progress.

I thought you said that your dad was...

I try and have a conversation with you about our moving in together...

I understand that. I do.

I want one.

I want you to be honest, does she know I'm here?

I was the first guy in line. I mean, I was there.

I was working for the People Help People charity organization.

I wonder what it is.

I would've happily sent the sleigh.

I wouldn't go telling people that.

I wouldn't have known that.

I wouldn't say I've been doing a bang up job. I had complications and hit rough spots...

I'd be nervous too if I was up to no good. Doth who protests the most.

I'd have to have a hard out by the 22nd. That's when I have my deal happening.

I'll let you out once you're sorry and you're ready to turn a corner...

I'll put my elf foot up your butt.

I'll see you before then, right?

I'll take both of them. Whatever. Merry Christmas to you.

I'm a cog in the wheel. I am.

I'm about to step into a lucrative business situation right now.

I'm bringing all my gifts to him. He needs them more than I.

I'm doing terrific. I'm doing great. How've you been?

I'm excited we're gonna be able to hang out as brothers.

I'm fine, by the way. I don't I'm fine.

I'm from the south side of the North Pole, man.

I'm gonna finish my job, I'll be out of your lives forever.

I'm gonna need you to turn the power back on, Superman.

I'm gonna tell you about the surprise. It's not a surprise.

I'm great. Pull up a stool.

I'm hoping they're naughty. Heh heh.

I'm in the spirit. Let one brother give another brother a gift for Christmas.

I'm just saying.

I'm not Alec, you know what I mean?

I'm not capable. I'm not even comfortable flying...

I'm not going in there, Nick, because I don't visit with Mom...

I'm not gonna be upset with you.

I'm not gonna lie to you. It ain't gonna tickle.

I'm proud of you, Willie.

I'm Roger, I'm a recovering sibling.

I'm Santa's Little Helper.

I'm sick of it. This little tree's gonna get some light.

I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna practice tough love on you, buddy. All right?

I'm sure that they'll turn up. I mean, after all, where could they have possibly gone?

I'm trying to Hold on!

I'm working. I'm creating assets.

I'm, uh...

I've been working a lot, too, by the way. Uh, and also fighting for my life.

If Fred doesn't deliver all those presents by sunrise...

If I had one more little shot at it, I would've been just fine.

If I tell you, it would no longer be a surprise.

If it pleases the court...

If somebody just out off a few feet of that big tree...

If the door was locked, why didn't you just knock?

If the kid strikes you as naughty...

If we go to Bonsai Palace, it's gonna exist? It's gonna be there?

If you can come in here, relaxed, and be a gentleman, then you can come in.

If you don't get out of the way of this sleigh in three seconds...

If you guys are gonna go out this year...

If you think I'm gonna let you get away with this, you are sadly mistaken.

If you wanna bring the hammer down upon his little DJ hands...

If you wanna do something for him...

If you want salvation, no army can give it to you, only people can.

If you're waiting for me to sing "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow" on the way...

If, however, you do get three strikes...

In fact, that day, he made him a promise.

In manhood, he literally became a saint.

In the 1800s, for example, children rarely asked for more than one item...

Is that from you or is that because you use the TV as a babysitter?

Is that someone special?

Is this for me?

Isn't that it?

Isn't that wonderful?

It all starts with a kid and a letter.

It all starts with what you make of yourself.

It hurts.

It is all right.

It is, but, Fred, that's not what the kids asked for.

It just doesn't make any sense anymore.

It sounds angry.

It was like identity theft.

It was wrong of me not to give you that gift, Clyde.

It won't happen again. They won't do it again.

It works outwith the guy, doesn't work out, who cares?

It would be a nice gesture to play something different.

It's a very weak choice. It makes you look weak.

It's about connecting. Now, look me in the eye.

It's all puny and misshapen because it's just bending and twisting...

It's all right.

It's all right.

It's always, uh, painful to watch a guy crash and burn, my man.

It's because the man is desperate for attention.

It's gambling, right?

It's gonna be close.

It's gonna hurt a bit, isn't it?

It's good to know. Thank you, Willie.

It's hard to pass these beauties up. You're too generous.

It's important to Santa that every child feels taken care of.

It's impossible. We just can't build that many toys in that time.

It's just that She thinks I'm a freak.

It's just that I've seen these kind of things before. The little lies...

It's not about the money. It's liquidating the money.

It's not like I didn't want my brother to succeed.

It's okay. Friendly, friendly, friendly. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

It's okay. Just get up calmly.

It's ridiculous for anybody to expect that kind of thing. No.

It's simple, it's always the same thing with you, Fred.

It's the fattest baby I've ever seen.

It's the story of a boy named Fred.

It's time.

It's too huge. Believe me, I know. Heh. Heh.

It's white, though. Prematurely white.

Just give me a second. I'll deal with you in a minute. Don't crowd my action.

Just look outside. That looks like the Grand Canyon.

Katherine Tibbett.

Kind of important you pick up right now. Are you at the restaurant?

Know they sell more Santa statues along with trinkets...

Last month he bit his father and his dentist.

Let her know that you're ready for fun, and you are not gonna apologize for it.

Let me just say this to you. It is not flattering on your character...

Let me see what we got. Oh, I like it. Come on, I like how you do it.

Let me show you how it works, all right? Ahem.

Let's dance. Let's dance!

Let's get excited. Let's make it happen.

Let's get our blood pumping. Let's make some bad decisions with each other.

Let's get something straight.

Let's get you to work.

Let's go, people! Let's pick up the pace!

Let's go, Willie.

Let's try and build some real momentum with that, okay?

Listen, I don't wanna hear no futzing from you, pal.

Listen, what's the largest growth industry in America?

Lithuania, everywhere in Africa, the whole thing!

Look up People Help the People on the Internet, you'll see a picture.

Look, Annette, I want my money. A deal's a deal.

Look, guys...

Look, I can tell you what your problem is.

Look, I'm gonna tuck and go as fast as I can, all right?

Look, it gives me no great pleasure to have to say this, but

Look, this is a business situation that I'm in with my brother.

Look, this is probably none of my business...

Look, whatever you're trying to do with me here's not gonna work.

Love is so complicated.

Love, kindness, it's coming off of you like radiation or something.

Macaroni. It's you.

Main Street, North Pole.

Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns...

Maybe something should happen to them. Maybe I give them something.

Maybe that's a place where I could jump in, share what's going on with me.

Maybe you meet a guy at school. Then you'll get pregnant with child.

Maybe you should look at your own self for a change.

Maybe you started a fight or two. Maybe 10, maybe 12.

Merry Christmas, Fred.

Merry Christmas, pal.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas. Okay, how's that feel?

Merry Christmas. You're beautiful, great. Get out of here.

Mm hm. There we go. Alrighty.

Mom, for Pete's sake, okay, I'm not, ha ha ha, stressed out about it.

Most importantly, they all know that there's somebody who's thinking about them.

Most of the time, we just end up staying over at her boyfriend's.

Mr. Claus, I'm a 45 year old man, I'm not

Mr. Claus? Hi. Hello. Welcome to the North Pole. It's so nice to have you here.

Mr. Northcutt, part of Christmas is being grateful for the things that we can have.

Mr. Northcutt, uh, I should have someone show you around. Willie.

Mr. Northcutt.

My brother was the president of the United States.

My brother's a doctor. I never hear the end of it.

My brother's Bill Clinton.

My brother's Santa Claus.

My father was called Nicholas.

My little Saint Nicholas.

My man, Fred.

My Saint Nicholas.

Naughty, even.

Next page.

Nice hat, Santa.

Nice night.

Nicholas Claus.

Nicholas, where are you going?

Nicholas, why don't you open yours first?

Nick, do me a favor, don't make this complicated.

Nick, he continued to play the same song over and over and over and over and over...

Nick, I couldn't miss you if I tried.

Nick, I think we're gonna make it. I got elves in the Workshop making presents.

Nick, let me be completely honest with you here, the DJ is a real problem.

Nick, there's been one thing that's been eating at me since I've been here.

Night, Frosty. See you tomorrow.

No elf discipline.

No more. Icky, but done.

No one's slept in that bunk for 100 years.

No, Fred, I can't.

No, Freddie, apart from that, all right. What is the significance of tomorrow?

No, I can assure you, he's fine.

No, I can't. Thank you, but I can't.

No, no, no. You're gonna stay at your station.

No, no, you don't understand. I can't do it. There's a rule.

No, there's not even a hint of gray left. It's gone totally white. Mm.

No? Nobody in Wisconsin's gonna get any gifts this year!

No. No, actually, I don't.

No. Sadly. You see...

North Pole, go ahead, this is Christmas One.

North Pole, this is Christmas One, go ahead.

North Pole, this is Christmas One.

North Pole, this is Christmas One.

North Pole?

Not even once.

Nothing.

Now that you said that, it's not gonna happen...

Now that you've got Alec's attention, Stephen, what do you wanna tell him?

Now you're just being silly.

Now, good night.

Now, I know that you can do this.

Now, I need your help.

Now, I'm going to explain this to you in very simple terms, okay?

Now, it's a little known rule of sainthood, but when you become a saint...

Now, let's move on to the next item on the list, shall we?

Now, you got short arms, which is good...

Now, you probably already have your suspicions of what became of Saint Nick.

Of course you can. You're great on that sleigh.

Of course you do. I'm sure he does the same for you.

Of course, sometimes kids are both naughty and nice.

Of course. He's crying out for help.

Of course. Mr. Northcutt, the elves are extremely dedicated and hardworking.

Oh, and do you think that after a while of being called Four Eyed Clyde...

Oh, and one more thing, absolutely nobody is to know why I'm here.

Oh, and one more thing, make sure you eat all the cookies.

Oh, boy, that was a very, very naughty year.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Okay, that seems pretty cut and dried.

Oh, but when he turned into Superman...

Oh, come off it, Willie. Everyone knows this story.

Oh, come on, Mom. Don't...

Oh, explain? You wanna explain to me my romantic surprise birthday dinner?

Oh, Fred.

Oh, Fred. Ha, ha.

Oh, Freddie, Freddie, you have been so very, very naughty.

Oh, hey. You remember Annette. Say hey to Annette. Annette.

Oh, ho, ho, Annette.

Oh, ho, ho, okay.

Oh, I forgot my gloves.

Oh, I'll tell you, Fred has been doing a bang up job...

Oh, isn't that sweet? Lucy wants a cooking set.

Oh, little Keenan Adams wants a bike for Christmas.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, Nick. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Oh, no, no, yeah, welcome, welcome.

Oh, no. I totally spaced out. Look, I got a quarter right here.

Oh, sorry. Least you didn't throw up.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, um...

Oh, that sounds familiar, Bons Bonsai Palace.

Oh, that's, uh, Fred. That's my older brother.

Oh, the big fat dude that be in the nail salon? He be like, "mm."

Oh, uh, watch your head there. Come on in.

Oh, well, fine, fine. You know, business is crazy...

Oh, where, oh, where did all the kids' letters go?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right now...

Oh, you're gonna love this. We have our very own DJ.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Aah!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Ah.

Oh. He wanted you to have this too.

Oh. I just wish you were a little more like your brother.

Oh. Looks like a new kid just took over the number one Most Naughty spot.

Oh. That

Oh. Well, I appreciate your concern, Mr. Northcutt, but he is fine.

Oh. Well, Santa did ask me to give you a full orientation of the gift giving process...

Ohm.

Okay, is this gonna be a steep ?

Okay, see, I'm not gonna do that. I can't actually do that.

Okay, Wanda, I just wanted to get a chance to come by and explain.

Okay, we've got 10 hours, Fred.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna Supernanny you.

Okay, you're just gonna have to wait your turn.

Okay? Now, I have a decision to make in that moment.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right. That's a thought. And I'm gonna sit on that and let it boil.

Okay. Don't be playing with the channels...

Okay. I don't answer to you, buddy. I answer to the people.

Okay. Nice to meet you.

Okay. Now, I think we go to Roger.

Okay. Twenty second.

Okay. We're on it.

On, Clyde.

Once built, the toys make their way to Packaging.

Once they're sorted, the letters come straight to the Toy Factory.

Only a Claus can deliver presents and that is a Claus.

Only a Claus can deliver the presents.

Only one man's gonna walk away from this thing, and I promise you...

Or whether they've been marked Naughty or Nice.

Our Naughty Nice Department.

Our poor Fred.

OW! Aah!

Papers? What are you from, the 1950s?

Permanently.

Personally, I don't think you deserve a cent.

Phyllis, I wish you wouldn't do that, because Nicholas needs to lose weight.

Plasma goes to my place. Pack it separately, make sure it doesn't scratch.

Play kick the can, do some athletic stuff.

Please make him welcome and let him observe.

Please, Leon, it's gotta be the spot.

Please, let's just cut to the chase.

Pretty, isn't it?

Psst. Kid.

Put it on the application for college.

Put it on.

Put you in the Naughty cabinet. You can't handle yourself.

Quarter to 2 a.m. There's Ursa Minor.

Really, Frederick, why can't you be more like your brother?

Really? I thought you were here to take advantage of your well meaning brother.

Really? The hockey stop?

Red Fred has entered the building. I repeat, Red Fred has entered the building.

Right down the crapper!

Right. Call the cops, man.

Rock me with some paper. Dig deeper.

Roger that, North Pole.

Roger's been waiting, and we didn't get to him last time, so we'll go to Roger.

Samuel Gibbons, Chicago, Illinois.

Santa Claus' brother, that must be a tough beat.

Santa got it for me for Christmas last year.

Santa is the only one who can deliver.

Santa, I ran the numbers three times.

Santa. You found me.

Santa's not bringing y'all families. Santa Claus is a clown.

See you in the morning.

Shalam. Shaloobi.

She doesn't remember my name?

Shh. Freddie, I think I'm gonna go back to London.

Show me your papers, clown.

Showing a complete lack of control over your entire workforce.

Shut up down there. People are trying to sleep.

Sixty seconds and counting for a landing, North Pole.

Slam, I get what I want without charity from Santa Claus. Two hands on the milk, please.