King Ralph Edit

A contract that could create thousands of jobs in the Northeast.

A fleet of cars, a yacht, a full staff of servants.

A healthy annual income and a house in the country befitting your status.

A king's life is not always his own!

A leader of men.

A little rusty.

A Miss Miranda Greene to see you.

A vile piece of slander! I demand to know the source of these accusations!

A woman of such distinction as to far exceed your standards.

About... anything.

After all, he does have royal blood, no matter how badly diluted.

After all, I am the king, right?

After me, you're still the only Wyndham left...

After we first met at the club...

Agh!

Ah, there you two are!

Ah!

Ah.

Ah.

All is not lost, Your Majesty.

All of the engines will be built right here in England.

All right then, Phipps.

All right, all right, one or two.

ALL: God save the king!

Allow me to introduce our sovereign lord, Ralph Jones...

Allow me to introduce the Prime Minister, Mr Geoffrey Hale.

Almost, yes.

Although there's relief in most quarters that a new sovereign has been found...

Am I glad to see you! People are lookin' at me.

An embodiment of our history, our culture, our morality, our pride of achievement.

And a better, more qualified man than any nation could hope for.

And a primer on etiquette. What's this?

And before long, the House of Stuart will be restored to its rightful place.

And called to say I couldn't see you any more? It was too dangerous.

And compromise you in some way.

And feel free to change the decor.

And he's in there!

And Her Royal Highness, Princess Anna.

And here's one from the great Don Ho, the godfather of Hawaiian soul.

And I'm having this house equipped with its own recording studio.

And is at this very moment on his way to see you.

And Miss Greene, fetching as she may be, does not qualify.

And now a young lady making her professional debut...

And one last thing. There's been some discussion...

And please try to keep in mind that Jones will need a certain period of adjustment.

And several cheques made out to the photographer, signed by Lord Graves...

And so to him I pledge my allegiance.

And staring dawn the bust lines of female dignitaries.

And suffer the degradation of our most sacred traditions...

And the ball season will soon be upon us. You will need dance lessons.

And the Chancellor of the Exchequer has suggested...

And the Commonwealth, for which we... no.

And the Commonwealth.

And Their Royal Majesties, King Gustav and Queen Katherine of Finland...

And there is your dressing room.

And there's still the matter of your investiture.

And you made quite an impression on him.

And you too, Dunc, and Tommie.

And you, Gordon, will be private secretary to the king.

And you've acted honourably.

And, in a deal worked out with Prime Minister Hale...

Anna isn't into it, is she?

Anything we've left out?

Anything, Your Majesty.

Anyway, I wanna thank you for everything you did for me.

Are expected to maintain certain standards...

Are you shittin' me?

Are you suggesting that we have no king at all?

Are you trying to tell me in your uniquely American way that you are lonely?

Are you willing to bet their future on it for a woman you've known a few weeks?

Aren't you...?

As a reminder of the eminence of your office.

As an Englishman, I want all of us to have the kind of king we deserve.

As happy as I am about all this, it doesn't make up for my shortcomings as a king.

As I live and breathe! You're him, aren't you?

As king, you are expected to marry a woman of noble birth...

As you all know, I have made some terrible mistakes lately...

As you have in your other endeavours.

As you were dancing...

As you were dancing...

At any rate, Constance had a son, your father.

At first, Your Majesty, just try to block it.

At least back in the States I could screw up my life as I saw fit.

At present, the competition seems to be what you call a 'toss up'.

Back straight.

Bangers and mash and the ever popular spotted dick.

Beautifully stated.

Because I don't have a lot of experience.

Better to declare his line at an end than subject England to this embarrassment.

Beyond that, we shouldn't rush into anything.

Bowler?

Bowler...

Business and political leaders have condemned...

But a surviving heir to the throne must be found.

But at least the party stinks. I gotta do something to liven things up.

But before I go, there are some things I wanna set straight.

But do you really wanna marry me?

But Finland recently discovered large oil deposits in their area of the Baltic Sea.

But further insulted King Gustav and Princess Anna of Finland...

But I am the king, even if I shouldn't be. I don't wanna be the last of the line...

But I console myself with the fact that you have nice buttocks.

But I console myself with the fact that you have nice buttocks.

But I had nothin' else goin' and I didn't get shot.

But I have almost all the Rolling Stones albums.

But I have news that might bring you cheer.

But I have some things to say and I wanna say them first hand.

But I wish we could still see each other.

But I'm afraid my best will never be good enough.

But I'm quite pleased with the economic progress my country has made.

But I've come to feel like I'm English, too.

But if you insist, it's imperative that you only see her here at the palace.

But over the last few months, something has changed.

But relaxed.

But she is what they call in America a fox.

But there is a matter of some pressing national interest.

But to end your friendship with Miss Greene.

But when my dad lost his job, I started sending money home.

But you can't refuse the throne. It's a sacred trust.

But you can't refuse the throne. It's a sacred trust.

But you must not shrink from your duty.

But, erm...

By a man working for Lord Percival Graves.

By an American commoner as a serious threat to the status of the monarchy.

By parading with his "mystery woman", a former stripper named Miranda Greene.

By rubbing elbows with the royal houses of Europe.

By the Treason Act of 1702...

By the way, the Y's on a triple word score. I'm starting to catch up here.

By this witless ivory tinkler from across the sea?

By what right can you order my arrest?

Bye. Ralph.

Call the Prime Minister. I wanna address Parliament.

Certainly not. Simply choose a king from the House of Stuart...

Certainly. Perhaps an assortment of fine chocolates?

Charlie, Charlie, James again... William III.

Coat was crampin' my style.

Come back here, you little strumpet!

Come in.

Come on in. I'll sign a picture for ya.

Come on, I haven't had a day off since I've been here.

Come, Anna. You haven't danced with your father.

Coming here is the best thing I've done so far.

Coming, Father.

Congratulations, my dear. The king has broken out of the palace...

Congratulations, Your Majesty.

Cos I wouldn't sing 'The Impossible Dream'?

Could I have the burgers, please?

Could I just have some ice cream?

Could you move a little closer together? That's lovely.

Damn. I knew I was gettin' hosed over here.

Date night. Where does the king eat in this town? I'm in the mood for sushi.

Dick?

Did I get one?

Different circumstances?

Do come in.

Do you ever do any fencing?

Do you feel that being the king of a major nation is tougher than you thought?

Does that mean she's ugly?

Don't hesitate to display that wonderful American flamboyance...

Don't lose patience, Your Majesty. We are working on the problem.

Don't say that.

Don't swing your arms.

Don't worry, Your Majesty. You'll be fine.

Don't worry. It'll all come back to you.

Don't worry. We'll find you an exemplary consort.

Don't you be touchin' him now, lad.

Don't you think we should develop some special feelings for each other first?

Doubts remain as to whether the American born king...

DRIVER: I've got the king's special permission.

Dunc says you've been here 25 years. You must be a hell of a typist by now.

Edward four, five, Rich the bad, then Richard III...

Edward VIII and that Wallis broad? That was 50 years ago. This is the '90s.

England.

English law prohibits monarchs from solving problems.

English people don't generally like their monarch to look like a sofa.

Er...

Even what? Killin' me? You know, Ced, I can't take too many more surprises.

Ever since I've been here, I've had people sayin'...

Everything's taken care of. The king has his own castle, five castles, in fact...

Everywhere.

Excuse me, Sir Cedric. His Majesty is here.

Excuse me, Your Majesty. The beaters are approaching.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I didn't get much sleep last night.

Exhibit all of our virtues and none of our shortcomings.

Extraordinary fellow. Could I have a word, Willingham?

Far from it. We're organising a ball in her honour to follow the banquet...

Fess up.

Fine.

First sign of difficulty? You've been destroying my fantasy for weeks.

For that reason, I have decided to give up my throne.

For that reason, tomorrow I'm turning over the throne to Cedric Charles Willingham...

For the sake of an American usurper that you don't even know?

For which you are so justly celebrated.

Forbidding interference with the proper succession of a monarch, enacted by...

Forget it.

Fortunately, it's only a flesh wound.

Fox hunting? You like fox hunting?

France. Daddy played in the Gold Cup there this summer.

Future bride?

Gas mileage is fine, but keep in mind the first question any car buyer asks:

Get out.

Gimme a quintet, brother!

Give him enough time to become hopelessly infatuated with her.

God save the king.

Good afternoon, Prime Minister.

Good enough. Let's go over the changes.

Good evening, Your Majesty.

Good evening, Your Majesty. Lord Percival Graves.

Good evening.

Good God, the future of a nation's at stake.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Good luck, Your Majesty.

Good morning, Your Majesty. I'm afraid I have some distressing news.

Good! That's a load off my mind.

Good. Less chance for scandal.

Goodbye, Miranda.

Goodbye, Your Majesty.

Got any Milk Duds?

Graves did it deliberately.

Grip with the knees.

Gustav, let the king eat. His guests are waiting.

Had a small dalliance with your grandmother, Constance...

Have a seat.

Have you ever been to England before?

He also instructed me to give you this.

He begged to be let off.

He insisted that he was undeserving of such an exalted position.

He is making a mockery of centuries of tradition.

He offered me money to help my family...

He simply won't do. He's common, ignorant and extremely ill mannered.

He was king during that little temper tantrum you call the Revolutionary War.

He's American. He's impervious to adjustment.

Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.

Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.

Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.

Head up.

Hear, hear!

Hear, hear!

Hear, hear!

Hear, hear!

Heels down! Heels down!

Hello, Miranda? It's me, Ralph.

Hello, newsdesk?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. My name is Duncan Phipps and this is Inspector McGuire.

Here they come, Your Majesty.

Here we have roast beef and Yorkshire pudding...

Here you go. Help me out here.

Here's your money. All of it.

Hey, don't forget the crown. Practise wearing it to get used to the weight.

Hey, Ed, what are you doin' down here?

Hey, Flamingo. Hi. Really unique show. Striptease without the nudity.

Hey, homes! What's happenin'?

Hey, Jones, get over here. I'm not finished talkin' to you.

Hey, Mitzi. Your show went a little better than mine.

Hi ya!

Hi. Is Miranda here?

His Britannic Majesty, King Ralph I...

His great grandfather had an unfortunate evening with a parlour maid.

His Majesty, Ralph I, by the grace of God...

His mother is currently serving a two year prison term...

His name is Jones. Ralph Jones.

Hiya, Ced.

Holy shit.

Hope you're not too upset about this 'mystery woman' thing.

Hoping that his family would return to the throne.

How am I doin'?

How do you do, Geoff?

How do you do, Your Majesty?

How embarrassing! Why did I ever think I could do this?

How long do you need me? I've never held a job for more than six months.

How you doin'?

However, we have one more ace to play.

I ain't him. I can't...

I also know that I'm too set in my ways to ever be that man.

I am glad you find her so. Best wishes in your fox hunting, Your Majesty.

I am happy to be able to announce...

I am Princess Anna, the king's future bride.

I am sorry, Your Majesty, both for my deception and my cowardice.

I am told you are something of a sportsman. My particular passion is polo.

I asked Gordon to get us some music, something we can dance to.

I beg your pardon?

I believe it's pheasant, Your Majesty.

I came to London to study design.

I can only try to make up for it in some way.

I can't go out, I eat alone, I live in a museum, I sleep in an auditorium...

I can't really think of any notable Ralphs.

I can't see myself making it here without you, Miranda.

I couldn't have made it without you.

I didn't bring this out to defend myself, but I embarrassed England unintentionally.

I didn't feel worthy and I have no children to continue the line.

I didn't say I'd marry her. I just wanna take her out.

I didn't think about the consequences.

I do not comprehend, Your Majesty.

I don't expect you to, or to believe that I've missed you.

I don't get around much lately, but I used to go out almost every weekend.

I don't know if you're aware of it...

I don't know what to think any more. I've been in over my head all along.

I don't know, Ced. I should stay out of the royalty business.

I don't know. How about a bowling alley?

I don't know. You're not the kind of girl I'm used to.

I don't see anybody that doesn't work for me. I'm gettin' palace fever.

I don't think you understand quite how much I'm offering. Close the door.

I don't want to keep you, Your Majesty...

I doubt it.

I drowned the memory of your behaviour at dinner...

I got everything in the world and nothin' I need. No friends, no freedom, no fun.

I got him. I got him good. I'm sorry. Really, I'm terribly sorry.

I gotta get outta here.

I guess we should just be glad for the time we had, that kind of thing.

I had a chance to make a mark for our side of the family and I screwed it up.

I have a few travel commitments that have to be worked around.

I have done my best to learn the ways of royalty...

I have no doubt that they will be the toast of the continent.

I have no excuse for my actions.

I have something you might be interested in.

I haven't got time to be the King of England. I gotta get a job.

I haven't got time to be the King of England. I gotta get a job.

I hope you aren't enamoured of her.

I hope you're not countin' on me to solve problems...

I just wanna get dressed. Excuse me, please.

I just wanna say that when I first came here, I hardly knew where England was.

I kept tellin' myself 'Everything'll work out fine once they know you like I do...

I know I can't undo what's been done.

I know I shouldn't have come, but I wanted to see you.

I know it's difficult, but there are times when you must put aside personal desires.

I know no such man!

I know that you will acquit yourself as famously with the Finnish royals...

I know, at a time like this, it's difficult to apply oneself to any task.

I may put a band together, get back to playing rock and roll.

I mean, I really wish I could. You just have to trust me. It's not a good idea.

I need hardly remind you that this is not the preferred entertainment of royalty.

I need to talk to you about this.

I now realise how important a king can be to his people if he's the right man.

I only tried exotic dancing because I needed some extra money.

I probably oughta be pissed...

I proclaim you Ralph Hampton Gainsworth Jones...

I rather enjoyed that.

I remain your humble servant.

I say it is time to reclaim our heritage.

I say it is time to reclaim our national pride.

I say it is time to reclaim our throne!

I say no!

I see. Excuse me, I think I should be going.

I shall try to follow your example.

I should go.

I suppose so.

I think it's time you made a stand somewhere for something.

I think not.

I think so.

I think we'll survive. What's in this for you?

I thought we'd get together tomorrow, have a drink...

I understand you've met our new king.

I was determined to help you do the job so well...

I was stupid. I was offered an easy way out of my problems and I took it.

I was thinking of something you said to me once.

I wasn't born to this crap. You can't expect me to accept these restrictions.

I went to night school for a bit.

I will, sir.

I wish I could believe that.

I wish we could meet again, somewhere else, in different circumstances.

I would have married Gunnar Jann back in Penike.

I wouldn't be afraid to show them who you really are.

I... don't know anything...

I'd be better off doing things my way. When I try to do things right I screw up.

I'd like to play somethin' for ya, maybe pick up the tempo, get things rollin'.

I'll always consider myself an American...

I'll see what I can find out, Your Majesty.

I'll teach you a poem to help you remember the order of the kings.

I'm afraid it is, Your Majesty.

I'm afraid it's a god's burden to bear. Unfortunately, it must be borne by a man.

I'm afraid we won't be able to get by on pretzels and beer this time.

I'm asking you to think of something larger than yourself.

I'm curious about what kind of things you like.

I'm just a sales girl from South London.

I'm just glad that I got out now before any real damage was done.

I'm Lord Percival Graves. Do you have a moment? It is a matter of some urgency.

I'm more of a night owl, but what the hell? As long as we're all up.

I'm not jokin'. They just hired me. I could get you your job back.

I'm not that type of secretary.

I'm prepared to make it well worth your while.

I'm sorry about all the stuff in the papers, all the things they've said...

I'm sorry it took such a long time, Your Majesty, but I found you some music.

I'm sorry. What's this got to do with me?

I'm sure that you are aware that members of the royal family...

I've already strung the cables, sir.

I've always liked my standards down where they are.

I've been talking to Dunc about something he said a while back.

I've had it with you, Jones. We're not payin' you to watch television.

I've heard they can be a problem. What are we hunting, Ced?

I've never done anything my whole life and look where I am. There.

I've never done anything of importance. I usually bail out long before that.

I've never had anybody bring me something. I wanna try it out.

If anything we will have to increase public appearances in light of your popularity.

If he gets anything better than a seven here, we're screwed.

If I can prove to you by tomorrow night I'm the King of England, go out with me.

If I ever get to be one, I'll take it up.

If I wanted to marry for love...

If I would... see you...

If not now, then when?

If things become too staid, too formal for you...

If things go well between you and the princess at the ball, it will be forgotten.

If you did not see Miss Greene at all.

Imagine yourself to be the master of your domain.

In addition, Zambezi wants to buy £200 million worth of English heavy equipment...

In baseball the ball comes to you on the fly. In cricket it usually hits the ground.

In other words...

In short, our ideal of civilisation. You must, under harsh public scrutiny...

In the wake of last night's disastrous royal ball...

In the white drawing room.

Is cut from the proper cloth.

Is everybody havin' a good time?

Is now being characterised as "a breath of fresh air".

It came out there was another guy in line for the throne besides me. Is that true?

It contains the Star of India, the second largest diamond in the world.

It could never have worked out.

It doesn't count for much class down here, but it's nice of you to say so.

It is my glorious duty to inform you...

It just wasn't meant to be.

It wasn't like that. After that night, I gave Graves his money back.

It would be a charming bonus, but I hardly think it's necessary.

It would be best to say 'How do you do?' rather than 'How you doin'?'

It's a great pleasure...

It's a pleasure to have you as our guest.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

It's an unmitigated catastrophe, Prime Minister.

It's beyond all comprehension, Your Majesty.

It's easier to whisper advice from cover than risk its merit at the point of attack.

It's I who should be thanking you.

It's not enough simply to be the king. You must look and act like one.

It's only a matter of time before the house is repossessed.

It's our pleasure to have you as our guest.

It's outta here!

It's the end of everything that we hold dear.

It's the king!

It's unusual for a king to address Parliament...

It's up to you whether you embrace this situation as a challenge to your abilities...

It's usually kept in the Tower of London, but we placed it near your bed...

Japanese are dangerous here?

Jeez, this is a tough country.

Just a dab here and there.

Just a few quick questions to probe your knowledge of English history.

Just a little, when I was a kid. A couple of watches here and there.

Just an explanation.

Just barely.

Just spectacularly bad luck. It could have happened to almost anyone.

Keep those knees tight in. Sit back.

King Edward fell in love with a commoner and had to abdicate his throne.

King of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and all her other realms and territories...

King of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland...

King of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland...

King Ralph not only shocked his guests with his rock and roll gyrations...

King Ralph seems to have passed his first diplomatic test with high marks.

King Ralph the Chickenhearted.

Knight of the British Empire.

Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to welcome you all to the ball again.

Let's try and get one in. We'll need both banks to fill light.

Like what? You're beautiful, you're smart, you're honest.

Listen, I've been meaning to ask you. Do they tell you who you can date over there?

Little snapshot of you together in public.

Long live Cedric I, by the grace of God...

Look, even if I believed ya, which I don't...

Look, I know our deal was just for one date, but do you think we could extend it?

Looks like I did.

Looks like that's all she wrote. Wanna go again?

Lord Graves.

Majesty.

Make sure that he gets what he needs. Good luck.

Make sure that Miss Greene gets one just like it.

Mary, Lizzie, James the vain, Charlie, Charlie, James again...

Maybe I should give this a little more thought.

Maybe I should have myself beheaded.

Maybe just one quick one.

Maybe put your arm around him and give him a little kiss.

Me? I was a lousy king.

Milk?

MIRANDA: Two, three, four, side...

Miss Flamingo Mirage!

Miss Greene, Your Majesty.

Miss Greene's presence last night did not go unnoticed.

Most things go in one ear, out the other... no offence... but this stuck with me.

Moving along now, let's welcome that saucy Southern Belle...

Mulambon is anxious to legitimise himself...

My duty is to instruct you in the arts of sovereignty, to make you a king.

My enquiries tell me that their savings have dried up. Debts are mounting.

My Lord?

My Lords and members of the House of Commons.

My Lords, members of the House of Commons...

My name's Miranda. And the show was terrible.

Narrowed the gap to 164 points.

Never mind him. He is not worth it.

Never, in recent times, has a monarch so shamed and embarrassed his country.

Nevertheless, what you do is not as important as what you are.

No problem. How do you do? (YAWNS)

No, he's here for your protection.

No, I'm afraid I can't.

No, let's wait a bit longer.

No, nothing like that. I simply want you to spend time with him.

No, wait, Miranda. I can explain this. Sorta.

No! England.

No.

No.

No.

No... I suppose not.

Not any more. You quit, just as you quit the bear scouts.

Not in England. Not for royalty.

Now I don't know if I'll ever get back to it.

Now that we've gotten to know each other...

Now that you've handled the Zambezi reception so famously...

Now the Zambezi thing's over with, I got a couple weeks of vacation coming, right?

Now this is what I call a room.

Now you want me to quit on Miranda and any chance at a normal life.

Now, after three. One, two...

Now, I have a little errand for you, Gordon.

Now, if everything proceeds as it should...

Now, if the King of England were to become involved with someone like you...

Now, since he and your grandmother are both dead...

Now, surely, you're not prepared to sacrifice their future...

Now, this is exceptional.

Nowadays you can't be too careful. You never know who they've been with.

Of course not. I am the king.

Of course, once I had a steady girl, that put an end to it.

Of course. It's been a rather disturbing day.

Oh, blast!

Oh, here's dessert.

Oh, I don't know. Certainly the fine arts.

Oh, look! See the swan?

Oh, really?

Oh, this is extremely nice. Better than I'm used to.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yes, she loves it. Most royals do.

OK, but I still think they kicked our ass.

OK, I'll give it a shot.

On the contrary.

Once they find out what a great gal you were.' And you were settin' me up!

One Gastro Death Dealer with onions, jalapeños and Tabasco.

One lump or two?

One of our companies is bidding for the contract...

One on English history, one on the lives of the monarchs...

One other thing. At your coronation four months hence...

One word of advice, if I may.

One word of advice, Your Majesty. When you meet the Prime Minister...

One, two, three Eds, Richard two, Henry four, five, six, then who?

Ooh, I'm sorry. Are you all right?

Or simply to chalk it up as another failure, a monument to your own passivity.

Or you'll never make it around for the hip reveal.

Our headliner, Miss Fanny Oakley. Thank you, Fanny!

Our representatives can get together to work out a schedule for our courtship.

Parliament wants me to resign. Hale agrees.

Parliament?!

Parliament.

Particularly given your less than perfect breeding.

Particularly with regard to the company they keep.

Perhaps you can 'find out' why the note is written in your handwriting.

PHIPPS: Well, you see, a king is a king for life.

PHIPPS: When in public, a royal personage must refrain...

Phippsy, you old hound! I didn't know you went for this sort of thing. Meet Miranda.

Pitch a few up, bowler. Nice and slow.

Please be seated.

Please remember to look straight into the lens and keep your eyes wide and bright.

Please wait, King Gustav. I'm sure His Majesty regrets...

Plus you are a relative.

POLICEMAN: Go through.

Princess Anna is the best of the acceptable candidates.

Princess Anna, one of the most socially desirable women in the world.

Pull!

Quickly. The strengths?

Quite an eventful first day, Your Majesty. I'll leave you to rest now.

Ralph Jones. Is he everything we might have hoped?

Ralph Kramden.

Ralph Macchio. Ralph Lauren.

Ralph, there's something I have to tell you.

RALPH: No problem. My schedule's pretty open.

RALPH: Shit. Can you believe that?

RALPH: Welcome, Your Majesty, on behalf of the people of the United Kingdom.

Really? I might be in the market myself soon. The Rolls doesn't have much poop.

Remember a ring she wore?

Removing Jones would be a drastic measure for us to take at this juncture.

Resulting in the emergence of several new states.

Right, I'm gonna give you guys one more chance. Fetch!

Right.

Royal salute! Present... arms!

Sausages.

Scarcely a minute is unaccounted for.

Scotland Yard found the negatives in his house this morning.

Shall we dance?

Shall we sit?

Shame!

She wants to have sex on a bed of nails on national TV...

She's already seen him twice this week.

Shoulder... arms!

Shut up, Dysentery. Where's your sense of national flippin' pride?

Since I became king, one member of this house has worked to discredit me...

Since this is the biggest audience I've ever had...

Since when do we give a toss about this kind of bullshit?

Sir Cedric, the king's gone! He just walked out.

Sir Guy Cracknell...

Sir Ralph Jones.

Smashing show, by the way. Smashing.

So far, there are no royal luaus planned.

So I should hope, Albert. First time we've had the whole family here for six years.

So I swore Phipps to silence and decided to stay on as your private secretary.

So long, Dunc.

So long, Tommie.

So long, Your Majesty.

So that you two can get to know each other better.

So the better shot to learn initially is the forward defensive shot.

So until he commits some grievous error, we will simply have to live with him.

So we've decided to invite King Mulambon of Zambezi to visit England on the 23rd.

So, Your Majesty, we would be grateful if you would host a reception for... him...

So...

So... where do we start?

Someone like me?

Sorry, Ced.

Sorry, Grandpa.

Sorry, they don't feed the chickens enough over here.

Sounds like sour g****s to me, Ced. After all, we did kick your ass.

Spotted dick?!

Stay, boy. Stay.

Still on Vegas time, plus I haven't had a day job for four years.

Straight from Las Vegas, Nevada...

Such a tragedy, the demise of the steel industry!

Sugar?

Sure you will. Something'll break for ya.

Sure, I understand.

Sure, she'd brag about it all the time. She said she got it from some prince...

Take this job and shove it down somebody else's throat, cos I quit! I'm outta here!

Tea?

Thank you, Ced.

Thank you, Your Majesty, for your tolerance.

Thank you, Your Majesty. We are honoured by your invitation.

Thank you, Your Majesty. You won't regret it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Thanks.

Thanks. I'll try to keep that in mind.

Thanks. You've been a wonderful audience.

That 'just in case' would never arise.

That isn't a proper thing to joke about.

That shirt is not yours.

That was a lovely dinner. I can't believe I'm eating in the throne room.

That would be your line, Lord Graves, making you next in line for the throne.

That you are the new... King of England.

That you never have to worry about money for the rest of your life.

That Zambezi will begin production of Africa's first car by the end of the year...

That's an upholstery fabric, Your Majesty.

That's George III. You may remember him.

That's it, Your Majesty. Grip the bat. Swing it vertically, not horizontally.

That's out of the question. We haven't arranged security.

That's pretty much my feeling.

That's right. String 'im up. Wanker!

That's the Duke of Warren, your unfortunate grandfather.

The bowler is trying to hit your stump. If he does, you are out.

The Finnish government has awarded its equipment contract to a Japanese firm.

The girls at work said it was probably some East End tart...

The House of Wyndham can ill afford another such disaster.

The King of Finland is due here in two weeks on a state visit.

The king said he couldn't remember when he'd had so much fun.

The king will be with his daughter...

The king's life thus far has been relatively free of achievement:

The king's personal style, which had raised some eyebrows in official circles...

The loss is entirely yours, or rather theirs.

The man's an orangutan. God help us with the King of Zambezi.

The nation, the Commonwealth, and I dare say the known world await your findings.

The new uniforms are ready and I brought some books to read.

The one who embarrassed the country and had to crawl out the back door.

The only thing I was ever sure of was you.

The opera, the ballet, the symphony.

The peak goes to the front, Your Majesty.

The Prime Minister for you, sir.

The Prime Minister spoke to King Mulambon.

The rain has stopped, Your Majesty. We should be able to continue with the portrait.

The so called scandalous photographs you've heard about...

The spotted dick is a dessert.

The throne of England is not a job to be discarded when it's your bowling night!

Then Henrys twice and Ed the Lad.

Then we'll get her a G string and some pasties...

Then why wasn't he chosen over me?

There are things about me you might not like.

There it is, Your Majesty. Your new home.

There wasn't enough to live on and go to school.

There will be a photographer following you.

There you go, chief.

There's considerable unrest in Africa...

There's no guarantee I'll be attracted to her.

There's no problem that can't be ignored if we put our minds to it.

There's only one other like it... the Duke of Warren's.

There's something he wishes to talk to you about.

There's still gotta be a way to get this date in. I'm serious, Ced.

These are traditional English dishes, some of which you will be served tonight.

They already sacked me. Know anybody who'd wanna buy a tearaway dress?

They must be subordinated to the good of the monarchy.

They're over.

Think! You've been made King of England. Where's the first place you would go?

Third Duke of Warren.

This ball will be the first step toward the royal wedding of the century.

This is a sweet Little Richard Penniman tune.

This is an outrage!

This is going too far. You can't tell me who to marry.

This is kinda where my notes run out. I guess I'll have to wing it from here.

This is more than a job.

This is my invitation to the Finnish ball.

This is ridiculous. Nobody believes me. Maybe we should get some cards printed.

This is the picture gallery. Many of the people in the paintings are your relatives.

This is Your Majesty's bedroom.

This means opening three manufacturing and assembly plants in the Northeast.

This song and dance man from the colonies...

This'll only take a minute. I'm new here. I don't know many people.

Three colleges and an assortment of jobs too numerous to mention!

Three.

Through here is your study...

Through those doors is your dining room, and across the way, the bath.

Time for some of that American flamboyance.

To accept responsibility for once...

To be the King of England is a responsibility like no other on Earth.

To befriend him, nurture his burgeoning affection...

To have you as our guest.

To help in the mining of their vast national resources.

To refuse to receive her now would be disastrous for England.

To supply all the platforms and drilling equipment...

To try to be the kind of king you could be proud of.

Today's 'breath of fresh air' can quickly become tomorrow's 'ill wind'.

Tommie, this is Ralph. I need a favour.

Too bad it's only gonna last the rest of your life!

Too often, my personal instincts conflict with my royal obligations.

Try to remember you're an Englishman now.

Trying to get her picture in the papers.

Two double Whoppers with fries and two giant Cokes.

Two double Whoppers, two fries, two giants!

Two for me. A little bonus there.

Two, three, four, forward...

Two, three, four, side...

Uh, look, my 'duties' are mostly for show, right?

Unfortunately, it doesn't prohibit you from creating them.

Unfortunately, we're getting spirited competition from the Japanese.

Unfortunately, you can redecorate your private quarters as you see fit.

Until such time as a simple photograph can be taken.

Vacate your room by noon or we'll throw your stuff out.

Very good.

Very nice.

Very well... Your Maj.

Wait a minute. I thought all I was supposed to do was dress up and wave.

Waltz, foxtrot, even eightsome reel.

Was his claim as strong as mine?

Was this the ring?

We are hoping to be the first in Africa to market an automobile.