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Heartbeeps (1981)

Two household robots run away and try to start a family.

Cast:
Val: Andy Kaufman
Aqua: Bernadette Peters
Charlie: Randy Quaid
Max: Kenneth McMillan
Susan: Melanie Mayron
Calvin: Christopher Guest
Factory Boss: Richard B. Shull
Factory Watchman: Dick Miller
Helicopter Pilot: Kathleen Freeman
Party House Owner: Mary Woronov
Party Guest: Wally Ann Wharton
Firing Range Technician and Catskil Performer: Barry Diamond
Firing Range Technician: Stephanie Faulkner
Party Butler Robot: Jeffrey Kramer
Party Maid Robot: Karsen Lee Gould
Forklift Driver Robot: David LeBell
Phil: Jerry Garcia
Catskil: Jack Carter
Crimebuster: Ron Gans

Written by: John Hill

Director: Allan Arkush

Production: Universal Pictures

Release date: 18 Dec 1981

Box Office: $2,154,696

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Heartbeeps (1981)
Two household robots run away and try to start a family. Cast: Val: Andy Kaufman Aqua: Bernadette Peters Charlie: Randy Quaid Max: Kenneth McMillan Susan: Melanie Mayron Calvin: Christopher Guest Factory Boss: Richard B. Shull Factory Watchman: Dick Miller Helicopter Pilot: Kathleen Freeman Party House Owner: Mary Woronov Party Guest: Wally Ann Wharton Firing Range Technician and Catskil Performer: Barry Diamond Firing Range Technician: Stephanie Faulkner Party Butler Robot: Jeffrey Kramer Party Maid Robot: Karsen Lee Gould Forklift Driver Robot: David LeBell Phil: Jerry Garcia Catskil: Jack Carter Crimebuster: Ron Gans Written by: John Hill Director: Allan Arkush Production: Universal Pictures Release date: 18 Dec 1981 Box Office: $2,154,696
List of sound clips on this page:

Ah, ha, ha! Bushbots! Perpetrators, beware! Here comes crimebuster.
Ahal. my clue analyzer reveals this to be material... From a val com model. On the other hand, it may be a buick seat cover. Here's an induction grid... And an input unit safety monitor. Now I can wire Phil up for faster motor responses... And bigger data storage components. There are no more energy packs in stock.
Ahem. By now they would need to find new energy packs. Let's see. They wouldn't get energy packs at a flower shop. Hmm. They wouldn't get energy packs at a pizza parlor... And they wouldn't get energy packs at a record store... hmm.
Although... l never really actually drove before.
And what would happen after I brought you this banana daiquiri... At this poolside social gathering? At this point we would engage in verbal courting rituals known as "clever banter.”. To what purpose? To give the human male companionship, as well as assisting him in viewing himself... As intelligent, interesting and virile. That is my assigned function.
Apparently he has been selecting low power jokes. Catskil, why did you give Phil your power? What? Why? My mother in law needed a heart transplant once. But we had to give it up. We couldn't find a gorilla.
Aqua, I have been extremely inefficient in not exchanging information with you. It's just that I did not want to complicate your computer... I function better with maximum input. Agreed.
Aqua, wait a minute.
Catskil, it is illogical for you to perform this energy pack transplant. Catskil's pack still has 42% power left which Phil can now use. But how can catskil have so much power left?
Catskil's pack still has 42 power left which Phil can now use. But how can Catskil have so much power left. Apparently he has been selecting low power jokes. Catskil why did you give Phil your power. What. Why. My mother in law needed a heart transplant once. But we had to give it up. We couldn't find a gorilla.
Come back here, you! Your police department would like to thank you... For cooperating with this investigation. Je. Crudités?
Come on, honey. We're going to the factory. There'll be more catskils there. Come on, Phil. It's okay.
Communication is necessary for continued success.
Damage report. Physical structure still intact. Mental facilities largely sound.
Darkness makes crime fighting difficult... But not impossible.
Data request. Hello. Speakin' of women... my wife is so. proceed. Oh, it's you. I am attempting to study those tall perennial trees... That cover those distant mountains. I need to take a field trip... With a highly intelligent companion to help me... Collect, store and interpret data. I lack such a unit.
Feet, don't fail me now. Look over there to the right. I thought I saw movement. Aw, damn. It's just a bear. See anything else? No, I don't see anything. It's getting dark. Take us home.
God is an irrational unknown variable. which humans associate with the value judgment known as goodness
Good response. Pleasure center appropriate.
Headquarters fails to confirm check. Highest probability is that you are criminals. I have signaled the police. They will retrieve you on their 4:00 A.M. shift. Do not move until then. While waiting, you may enjoy a brief musical interlude. Dd.
Hello? Hello? Hi. I am taking a calculated risk, so perhaps you can tell by my lack of weapons and my non threatening tone... That we mean you no harm.
Hold it, hold it. Hold it! Why didn't you see it? Why didn't it see us? All right, let's go. Come on. Good morning. Today's readout says you are transporting... A companion series robot to the warehouse. Please deliver him to "c" section. Have a nice day.
How come I'm always the one that has to do these things, like change a tire? I'm a college graduate.
I am the nearest functioning unit. Would it be advisable for me to accompany you... For purposes of interfacing? You took the words right outta my speaker.
I'll take a vodka. This tastes like a banana daiquiri. Yes, I know what you mean. Mountains always make me feel closer to god for some reason.
It looks like they're slowing down. I still can't figure out how they got this far anyway. Aqua, if I lack the energy to tell you later, I want you to know something. I hope the very last thing about me they circuit wash... Are my memory tapes of you. Val.
It's all right Rover. These friendly robots are obviously not mischievous trespassers.
It's my job to keep the community safe... On land, on sea... And in the air.
Look. The factory. Now Phil will be safe. You did it, aqua. You made it. Youdid it. I knew you could, val.
Look. There's a party going on. I am programmed for these parties. Me too. But it might not be a good place to avoid the crimebuster. A party's perfect. I'll show you. Yes, sir. Je. Crudités, canape. Crudités, canape. Who, me? Val. But...
Max, look at that. That's a crimebuster, and it's the deluxe model. So? Well, I'm glad we came through here. I've never seen a deluxe model crimebuster before.
Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy. Mommy! Mommy!
My safety monitor is very active. Will you drive slower for increased safety to our units? Request denied. I am now an expert driver and I have complete control of the vehicle. Lots of luck. I'll get out here. - Hello, card sharps. - Hey. Hey, where'd you move those three 'bots from "c" section? Which ones? Two com series and a catskil. Where'd you move 'em to? We didn't. Well, you better check on 'em.
Oh, boy, boy, boy, boy. Well, here comes trouble.
Qoo000! Qoo000!
Reaction okay. Judgment okay. Crimebuster reaction time... Test number 14, check. Now, let's speed it up.
There. That's a lot better. Val, my safety monitor is now extremely active. I would now like to submit a second request for slower speed. Second request denied. Aqua, look. I think I can fit this truck in between those two trees.
These are Douglas firs. That's very interesting.
They think they washed my circuits. They tried to take me off the job, but I played dumb. What is that? It's not in the robot catalog. They must have built a new member for their gang. Eat lead, punk!
Whee! Come on, aqua. Open your eyes. You're missing all the fun. Whoa!
When you are finished with my shoulder, see if you can fix my pleasure center. It is again sending unexplained random impulses. Strongimpulses.
Where is the Phil unit? I don't know. Phil? Phil! Phil?
You were right about the number 14 flexicable... When you were reassembling us. Look. I no longer have a walking impediment. You've seen it all, folks. Well, almost all. Isn't she cute? Isn't she cute, Phil? Tickle, tickle, Sophia o. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
- Phil. - Phil. Shh! We must be discreet. We don't want to be caught. Hey, kid, behave yourself. Oh, mama.

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