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Hasan Minhaj: The King's Jester (2022)

Features comedian Hasan Minhaj as he shares his thoughts on fertility, fatherhood, and freedom of speech by discussing some of his recent life events.
Written by: Hasan Minhaj

Director: Prashanth Venkataramanujam

Production: 186K Films

Release date: 04 Oct 2022

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Hasan Minhaj: The King's Jester (2022)
Features comedian Hasan Minhaj as he shares his thoughts on fertility, fatherhood, and freedom of speech by discussing some of his recent life events. Written by: Hasan Minhaj Director: Prashanth Venkataramanujam Production: 186K Films Release date: 04 Oct 2022
List of sound clips on this page:

All the hedge fund dads are like, "Hey! Welcome to Photo Day, Dad.". I'm like, "They still do Photo Day?". I have a thousand photos of my daughter in my pocket from yesterday.
And anyone going through fertility problems, you know it loads the relationship with all this pressure, you know?
And Beena will wake up, and she'll be like, "Are you looking at…
And Connor audibly goes, "Yuck." And all of the sudden, it hits me here.
And I go, "Fuck it, give me the fade.". "Make the bottom match the top." He puts the Darth Vader on me, right?
And I go, "Look, babe, criminals!". "They're the reason Daddy doesn't have a pension." "Look at 'em!" So, I'm taking her to school, and we pull up in the Honda Odyssey.
And I look up and I just see Arjun, and I go, "Arjun, I only have two testicles." "How did you mess up two extra times?" He's like, "Don't worry about it, bro, we figured it out.". "Just give it six weeks." And, DOs, he was right.
And I pull the green straw out of my iced coffee.
And I turn, and Arjun is looking at me.
And I walk over… and I tilt her head back and I…. …suck the boogers out of her nose.
And I will slowly…. scroll through Will's… profile.
And I'm holding this little gulab jamun, this little brown ball.
And I'm in the back of the mosque, and in the middle of the sermon, this super ripped white guy shows up to the mosque.
And she goes, "Can you believe it?". "We're finally a family." Awww!
Anything is possible.
Because for four years, I never thought that I would be ready to be a dad.
Beena gets pregnant, finally, four years in the making.
Beena's like, "I don't want a white baby.". I'm like, "Whatever. You're racist.". "All Bradleys matter." She's like, "Hasan, I don't want a white baby, don't you understand?". "I want a baby with you." Aww!
But if you saw me at 16, you know the answer unequivocally was "Yes." "I want to work out, Eric." Zoom in. This is me flexing as hard as I possibly…. Yo, I thought I was killing it with tricep.
But on that day…. I could taste it.
But…. But we now live in a white state.
Do you remember the way they would horrify us young boys?
Doctors of osteopathic medicine hate that joke.
Dude, I felt lied to my entire life.
Every morning she wakes up and she sees bankers and traders. in Patagonia puffer coats.
For centuries we have been debating: Indian, Asians, Jews, "Who is the cheapest of them all?" Motherfucker, it's Indians.
For years! The secret was killing me, man.
Growing up, they told me my sperm is radioactive.
He tagged all of us. He's like, "Hey, what's up, man? I'm Kumail.". "What's up, man? I'm from Karachi. What are you doing with your life?" I'm like, "Fuck you, Kumail!". "How dare you show white people what we could look like?!" That's why I love Aziz.
He's in our living room eating Indian food with a fork and knife.
He's just like, "Hi." "I'm Bradley Minhaj.". "I'm a proud member of the Indian American community." "This is my son!" "Bradley." "We saved him from a war torn part of America." "Detroit." Everyone's like, "Oh, wow.".
Here's how I know we both unconditionally love my daughter.
I didn't know this. Now they just throw the baby on the dad.
I go, "Arjun, how are you licensed?". He's like, "I don't know.". "That's why I'm a jizz doctor with a basement office." "Yo, drop your pants. How's Auntie?" I'm like, "Don't talk about my mom, Arjun!". "Beena, he's not even an MD!" "He's a goddamn DO!" "Oh, boo, boo it up, DOs." In the back.
I look down, I'm in a huge diaper. with four huge blood stains on the diaper.
I want her to see how gritty and grimy and corrupt the real world is.
I was 16 years old, it's 2002. I'll never forget this.
I was at The Daily Show. Every day, Trevor Noah would come up to me with those cute ass pimples.
I was like, "Come on, babe, I just got verified on Instagram.". "Let me enjoy this clout." She's like, "I don't give a shit about clout.". "The only reason why we can't get pregnant is because it took you ten years to propose to me." "Yeah!" "I went to the doctor." "It's not my ovaries, motherfucker, it's your balls." "Go get your balls checked out." I'm like, "Hey, don't bring them into this.". 'Cause here's the thing, I'm at that age where I don't like going to the doctor.
I was like, "Oh, my God, I've never felt this before in my life.". "But I love you so much." "I've only known you three days, but I would do anything for you." "I can't believe how much I love you." And I know I've said that to Beena before, but…. I was lying.
I was like, "Oh, you're one of us.". "You're not respecting personal boundaries." "Welcome to the tribe." We lock eyes, and it just hits me right here.
I'm like, "It looks like Bradley, return.". They're like, "No returns, it's not Costco.". They put the baby on the boob.
I'm like, "Motherfucker, use your hands. Commit to the role.". "Convince me, Eric." "If that's even your real name." He knows I don't trust him, right?
I'm like, "Oh, this hedge fund criminal. thinks my daughter is a gundi little brown girl?" "Nah, not on my watch." So, I'm drinking an iced coffee, right?
If you've stayed at a Hampton Inn, a La Quinta Inn, a Quality Inn, a Comfort Inn, a Super 8, you have been supporting this Patel cartel.
Just bald, all trap, no neck, barbed wire tattoo.
Just, ckckck…. All the hedge fund dads are like, "What?". Then I hear one of the dads.
Life gets very real when "don't want" becomes "can't have.". Isn't that right, DOs?
Look at the name tag: "Patel.". They're all from one part of India and they're all related.
Look, I used to own a black Toyota Camry, but I had to get rid of it. because people would just get into my car at intersections.

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