3rd Rock from the Sun (1996) - Season 1 Edit

A beer tap,

A big, ugly mole.

A catalog of horrors, a freak show,

A child's creativity,

A golden rush of drunken beauty with a nice head

A posse of oral fixators.

A relaxing smoke on the roof on a warm summer night.

A sex machine.

A softer place within myself,

A vivid impression on people.

A voice inside of you?

Absolutely not. What do you think of me?

According to this, you're a 55 year old,

Actually, I'm good at everything.

Actually, you said a lot of things.

After all the battles I've fought in

After all, I got locked in a stairwell for three days

After I was nice enough to spread the word

Ah ha, very clever.

Ah, good news.

Ah, I didn't expect you to cooperate.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Albert Einstein once said

All right, I'll do it.

All right, I'll smoke in the waiting room.

All right, permission requested to schedule initiative taking.

All right, rinse out your mouth.

All right.

All right. Could you open wider, please?

All the other experiments and attacked six students,

All you had to do was show up and feign interest.

All: hear, hear.

Allow me to translate using the universal language...

An added bonus.

And all the half truths and flattery and diplomacy

And all the places I've been, I

And an organ donor.

And attach it to the power line in case you slip.

And don't worry about me.

And find a quivering purple mass wearing my watch,

And Harry is... the funny looking one.

And he would have given me a kidney.

And I just can't make it.

And I looked wonderful and I'm a genius.

And I think I have one fall crisp

And I want you to tell me the complete truth.

And I was their lizard king.

And I'm losing oil. Look at this.

And if I ever have sex,

And in the absence of Mr. Solomon,

And in the face of this company

And it is all because of you and your extraordinary ability to command.

And may I say you do not disappoint.

And my back is aching.

And ready to yield to your every

And round and beautiful,

And she's got that... big, pouty mouth.

And sucking the flesh off a dead bird,

And sucks, in that order.

And that's a good thing.

And the female devours the male immediately after the ceremony?

And there's a constant circus in my pants.

And these bodies don't come with an owner's manual.

And this is news?

And those years are crappy anyway.

And Tommy refuses to apologize.

And truth becomes highly individual.

And we think we know who did it.

And when you walk around the room, I'm always afraid

And yet you persist. Good for you.

And you never knew it was there before?

And you want to be safe. Wrap this chain around your waist

And your sister can't even get a driver's license.

Any thoughts on that?

Anybody home? Anyb Oh, hi.

Anyone? Yes, Caryn.

Are gone to their eternal rest.

Are said to be virtual particles

Are stunted only by your personal bigness?

Are the lubricant that people spread on each other

As anybody else.

As in "free girl with every large fries"?

As the oldest member of this crew, I feel it's my duty

At first I was conflicted.

At least take some of this cough syrup.

At the orange line.

Aw,

Because I want one. If I have to be the woman,

Because this is a difficult place to live.

Because you go to the bathroom constantly.

Because, unlike real particles, they cannot be directly detected

Being human is far more complex than I thought.

Believe me, I can handle responsibility. No problem.

Besides, I can quit whenever I want.

Better make it 6:30. You might have trouble park...ing.

But be sure to introduce me later because I want some answers.

But he is a wonderfully exciting man.

But I don't get how unless the bug swam in with the saliva.

But I want another one.

But it moves so fast.

But it's nothing compared to this.

But nobody listens to me.

But that frog took a bite out of Patti kinland

But that just brought up a whole new set of problems.

But to describe her as blonde is inaccurate.

But until we figure it out, you should sleep in the shower.

But why not? Anyone?

But you always come through.

But you are sweet.

But you know what they say

But you look puffy you should go home and sleep.

But, Dr. Solomon, sometimes you just can't tell the truth.

But... I've discovered

But... they were so big

By a particle detector."

By the second day, I was hearing my inner voice, too.

By the way, Leon, you're failing.

Can you imagine what you must have to go through to get a gun?

Cigarettes are only allowed in university Sanctioned smoking zones.

Coffee, for two hours.

Come in.

Could I be placed in a foster home or something?

Could you be a little more specific?

Couldn't be sorr

Dancing playfully about the halo

Death has reared himself a throne

Definitely. Everybody there

Dentist's office before, have you?

Descending.

Dick is testing me.

Dick Solomon.

Dick, I got my driver's permit, too.

Dick, I think Sally's right. You should just stay home.

Dick, I'm stuck to the floor.

Dick, remember how I said I wanted to learn to sing?

Dick, what's a driver's license?

Dick, you are obviously too sick to go.

Dick, you can come out now.

Dick, you've been smoking those things since you got home.

Dick? Dick, look,

Did I say anything I shouldn't have?

Did you drink this entire bottle?

Didn't you even think to check the door first?

Diplomacy. Anything else?

Do you happen to know if there's an alternate stomach access?

Do you know how dangerous what you did was?

Do you mind? We're talking.

Do you notice how this James brown is always getting somewhere?

Do you think they have any idea how ugly their children will be?

Don't move! Stay where you are!

Don't touch it.

Don't worry. It's plenty bright with all that lightning.

Don't you miss it?

Dr. Albright would never lie to me.

Dr. Albright, hello.

Dr. Bankson,

Dr. Bankson.

Dr. Byron told me about your little speech.

Dr. Finkel. Father.

Dr. Richard Solomon from the university.

Dr. Solomon is a highly respected scholar and educator.

Dr. Solomon, I see you're feeling better.

Dr. Solomon, I think you were speaking German.

Dr. Solomon, I'm sure she'll understand.

Dr. Solomon, is this going to be on the final?

Dr. Solomon, would you care to share with us

Earth just doesn't get any better than this dinner and a movie.

Especially the sound of your voice right now.

Everyone on the rules committee wants to meet you.

Everything. What do people have to do on this planet to get what they want?

Excellent!

Except, of course, when you don't want to help somebody move.

Excuse me, does Dr. Albright know you're speaking on her behalf?

Excuse me, this is my car.

Excuse me. Given away, like an object?

Excuse me. I'm sorry. Excuse me, excuse me.

Feign? I will not be a party to feigning.

Fetus about it.

Fine. You can come.

First, you start by you have something on your tie.

For Mr. Sucky thing.

Four stars, two thumbs.

Fries? Can I go?

Fueled by your brave spirit?

Funny story. Um...

God, what a cruel disease.

God, when I think of all the times...

Good morning, Dr. Albright.

Good morning, Nina. You'll be glad to know I'm feeling much better.

Good morning.

Good point.

Good, I'll be genuine Dick.

Good. I'm looking forward to tonight.

Granny smith apple cobbler.

Great. Wonderful.

Hai ya ya ya ya ya!

Harry is an alien. I love aliens.

Harry Solomon.

Harry, open the door! Open the door!

Harry, we don't have all day.

Harry, you should sit on the aisle

Harry: Dick, is that you?

Harry.

Has a fool for a patient.

Have a nice day.

Have you ever read the warning on the side of the pack?

He has the advantage.

He may be a bit eccentric,

He'll have the super combo number two.

He's conveniently "disappeared,"

He's getting up, getting down, getting back.

He's not here, he's gone. He's actually gone.

He's rich. She wanted money

Hello.

Hello. Sorry we don't have a chair for you.

Her hair is more like honey

Here's another hint: it's not number two.

Here's my photo I.D.

Hey, at least I'm gettin' some here, all right?

Hey, I have as much a right to be here

Hey, let's pull up the slack here.

Hey, what did you put under "weight"?

Hey, what's your problem?

Hey, you're not bad.

Hi.

High commander said we could.

His brother came out of the coma.

Hmm, let me think about this one.

Honey, don't put your hand in your mouth.

How are your chicken crunchies today?

How could Dina do this to me

How did he beat those guys? Come on, it was 12 against one.

How do I know it's really you?

How does he sing like that?

How many of you think it's number one?

How many of you think it's number three?

How you've led a ragtag crew of misfits across the galaxies,

Huh.

Hurry up, I don't want to miss the previews.

I agree. The seating is all wrong.

I always tell the complete truth.

I am second in command here, and I have no authority over these guys.

I am so happy for you. I'm going home.

I am the high commander, and I refuse to let this beat me.

I am university property.

I belong now.

I bet pretty girls beg you all the time, huh?

I brought you folks your extra key.

I can still hear you.

I can tell at a glance that you indeed are a mindless and dull group.

I can't believe how much we have to go through to get a license.

I can't come back. I can't.

I can't lie to you. I wish I could.

I come from a different world.

I command you to be more like her.

I could get very good at this.

I didn't want popcorn. I wanted good & plentys.

I discovered something today, and I really need to try it out.

I don't know how much time I have left, so listen closely.

I don't know what it is about you this evening,

I don't know what that means , but I know where she humps.

I don't know what the school nurse is talking about. I don't see any bug.

I don't know what's going on half the time,

I don't love her

I don't speak French.

I don't understand. All I want to do is curl up into a ball.

I feel like sticking my head in a microwave to pop it out.

I got another hole here.

I got my driver's license.

I had my very first make Out session.

I have a highly developed mind,

I have a special dish and a special helper today

I have to tell you something.

I haven't given you your gift yet.

I just can't believe I'm gonna die

I just didn't clear the zipper.

I just stand here and nod.

I just want to say that I not only accomplished my goal,

I keep telling you to get all these things taken care of, yet nothing ever gets done.

I knew you had a thing for her.

I know you were sick. It meant a lot to me.

I know, because I think I'm dying.

I know.

I know.

I know. She said I probably got it from Dina,

I love looking into your face.

I love you guys.

I love you.

I made chicken soup.

I mean, I know you have a heart

I need you desperately.

I promise you I'll be on my best behavior.

I really am high commander.

I really need your help.

I really wish you hadn't wrestled the maid of honor for that.

I remember how it feels to be your age.

I see. Men and women are completely equal

I see. So when we met, you said you were pleased to meet me.

I seem to be having a little trouble swallowing.

I think everyone should hear it.

I think I speak for everyone when I say

I think I'm going to smoke afterwards.

I think she was driving a sunbird. She opened that hood

I think these humans bend the truth

I think you're actually my aunt.

I thought I could trust you. I can't.

I thought the truth was potent,

I thought, foolishly,

I told Dr. Albright that I loved her. Why did I do that?

I told you to get this looked at two weeks ago,

I told you we should come here as ducks,

I want to look my best for the wedding.

I was bending the truth to flatter you. There's a difference.

I was delirious.

I was paralyzed. I thought I could do your job.

I was rambling.

I was there when you read it. Then why ask?!

I was wondering why the lint brush wasn't working.

I wish I didn't Rsvp. I hate going to these things by myself.

I won't.

I would like to say welcome to this big waste of time.

I'd do a happy little dance.

I'd do it all over again.

I'd have called 'em a liar.

I'd like my car ready in a half hour.

I'd like to propose a toast to the bride and groom.

I'd love to go to the wedding with you.

I'd say I've always wanted to put a face

I'll check.

I'll get it.

I'll get one. You can pick it out, whatever it takes. I'll do it!

I'll give you a hint: it's not number one.

I'll have a pitcher of that stuff.

I'll have that.

I'll have you know

I'm an alien, and she's a presbyterian.

I'm fine, thanks.

I'm glad I'm dying.

I'm going to go out and get some smokes. You want to take a ride?

I'm gonna have to see your driver's license, please.

I'm growing hair, and my armpits smell,

I'm his mother. I'll handle him.

I'm looking for someone

I'm not allowed to show it to her without her permission.

I'm not reading 387 pages

I'm not wearing pants.

I'm proposing a toast.

I'm sick.

I'm so glad

I'm sorry, but Mary's counting on me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I guess I just haven't seen her through your love goggles.

I'm sure I'm having a much better time than you are.

I'm sure someone will find me before the building closes.

I'm telling you this because...

I'm the woman.

I'm wearing open Toed shoes.

I've always admired your eloquence.

I've changed my mind.

I've decided not to get those breast implants.

I've ever been.

I've got to find Dr. Albright.

I've never been defeated by a single celled organism.

I've passed your little test.

If cigarettes were bad, they wouldn't sell them everywhere.

If Dick were here, he'd know what to do.

If Dick were here, he'd know where he was.

If he can't make up his mind in the first sentence.

If it's going to get any deeper.

If you wake up in the morning

If you want to advance,

If you're going to be a big...

In a strange city lying alone

In our family, it's kind of hard to tell.

In that big, hairy, wonderful chest of yours.

In the boondocks of the galaxy...

In this outfit.

Insert a finger and rip through the mucilage.

Instituted of god, signifying unto us...

Into a lethal killing machine.

Is not the bride but Mary Albright!

Is smooth and satisfying.

Isn't that silly?

It comes as a surprise to many people.

It may be the most emotionally satisfying place

It must be some kind of human validation.

It was a food court of mutants,

It was fate.

It was my pleasure.

It will take me weeks to repair the damage left in your wake.

It'll be fun. Why don't you pick me up around 7:00 ish?

It's "the night of the teaching dead."

It's a guaranteed "A."

It's a lonely blue dot

It's a lot easier on our planet. No one ever lies.

It's a nipple.

It's a toaster.

It's clear that Tommy must be disciplined.

It's just my head, but I assure you

It's just not something that I'm good at, like like...

It's just that you tend to make

It's just... something I made up.

It's like I'm feeling my lungs for the first time.

It's not that I don't find you charming in your own way.

It's really not fair. I can grow a pimple but not a mustache.

It's so nice to have a tenant who smokes

It's so unbecoming.

It's supposed to make us feel better.

It's time for decisive action.

It's too late to try and get out of it now,

Just because I needed a cigarette.

Just because you don't lie doesn't mean people here don't.

Just do it. Take the car and fix the phone.

Just let me know,

Just make sure that you poke holes in your head

Just pass these out for me, please.

Just to play mind games with me?

Kids.

Leaving you sweet and pungent.

Leon, I'm going to ask you a question,

Leon! What a happy accident.

Let me know

Let them outlaw smoking.

Let's just say you were very revealing.

Liar. That's Edgar Allan Poe.

Lie down.

Listen. It's 4/4 time with a half beat hesitation.

Listen. It's that guy again.

Look at me, I've just done it once, and here I am, whipping it out there.

Look at them. They belong together.

Look at this the lines, the waiting, the testing.

Look at us we suck, we blow

Looks like there's just the two of us.

Looks like you've chosen a poor time

Man: gentlemen, we have a guest member

Man: Okay, that'Il be $10 .71. Please drive around.

Martha Stewart says I'm not gonna die.

Martha Stewart.

Mary? Mary, who is

May I walk you home? And be honest.

Maybe I can shake things up with some fresh ideas.

Maybe it's the way the light hits your eyes, maybe it's the wine,

Maybe not.

Mm mmm!

Mmm, and I love your traditional oyster stuffing,

Mmm!

Mmm! A lattice crust.

Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm. Ooh, let's see this one.

Most intellectually stimulating cinematic accomplishments."

Mrs. Cross, you smoke, too?

My breasts feel like

My date for a wedding tomorrow night canceled at the last minute.

My first wedding! I can't wait!

My gift to you.

My head is throbbing.

My people.

My pictures of "the today show" gang.

Never get used, cheated on,

Next!

Next!

Nina, please. This is very important to me.

No one can take a blow to the head like you, Harry.

No one there would recognize a fresh idea if it bit them on the ass.

No one wanted to meet you. I made that up.

No, I'm serious. The seal's broken,

No.

No. It's not how you lie to trick someone.

No. Now, help me get my pants on.

No. That's a process

No... I'm afraid not. Dr. Albright has already RSVP'd.

Nonsense. I feel perfectly fine.

Not a problem.

Not to mention the phone's still out.

Now I have a piece of popcorn stuck in my teeth.

Now I remember, I read about this.

Now I'll never fall in love,

Now it's gone. Now it's back.

Now spit.

Now there's an air of sophistication.

Now we can spend the evening getting to know each other better.

Now, how were those two able to find each other?

Now, I have three of Einstein's equations on the board.

Now, I'm not one to discourage

Now, open wide.

Now, which of those guys is god?

Now, you're not feeling very well, are you, Harry?

Of course... this is a test.

Of course... this is a test.

Of dance!

Of the rules committee with us tonight.

Oh my god!

Oh, and be sure to wear something

Oh, boy.

Oh, god, we're good!

Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that at such short notice.

Oh, I'm late for class.

Oh, I'm ready to take responsibility.

Oh, it's a letter for Dr. Albright.

Oh, look! It's the campus police.

Oh, man, Solomon's here.

Oh, Martha, I feel like I'm going to die.

Oh, my oh, my god, you're burning up.

Oh, my god, Dick,

Oh, no.

Oh, not there.

Oh, that would be its old brain.

Oh, this is so moving

Oh, uh...

Oh, wait.

Oh, well...

Oh, what a lovely place you have.

Oh, where to begin

Oh, yeah, stay out of my room!

Oh, yeah, we're bad.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes! The corn is gone. See?

Oh!

Oh! Oh, great command decision, Dick.

Oh! That's a dead frog. We're going to reanimate it.

Oh! There must be

Oh! You have a mole.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. What do you do when you're there?

Oh...

Okay, a bonehead is where I draw the line.

Okay, fine. If you insist on being stubborn,

Okay, I'll simplify.

Okay, Mrs. Wu.

Okay, people, listen up and nobody gets hurt!

Okay, punk, court is adjourned.

Okay, Sally, this shirt, this tie, these socks?

Okay, troops, line up in order of height.

Okay, you can take the test again.

Okay, you win.

Okay.

On a flea infested little planet

On the far end of the galaxy.

On the plus side, your tranny's in really good shape.

On the subject of universal truth,

Ooh, finally.

Ooh, my favorite

Ooh, that's a horrifying thought.

Ooh!

Or an afternoon with some petri dish in a miniskirt.

Or else you just end up confusing people.

Or shall I confess that your boyish good looks

Or that "audience is listening" thing.

Our old man is becoming a boy.

Ow!

Please don't smoke in front of me. I just quit a year ago.

Please, continue with your conversation.

Please, I need you to substitute for me.

Point taken.

Promise me you won't let Dr. Albright know...

Really stupid.

Really?

Really? What a coincidence.

Remember that frog I reanimated?

Rest assured, I gave you full credit.

Sadly, yes.

Sally, you are right. I should have sat near the aisle.

Sally, you're amazing. As sick as you are,

Sally: okay, listen, if we're gonna...

Sally?

Sally's the woman. I'm the tall, dashing man. Tommy is the adolescent.

See you later.

See? You're not going to die,

See? You're not going to die,

Shall I speak of your courage,

She let me.

She looks good enough to eat.

She screamed, "ow, my eyes!" And that just...

She wins.

She won't hear it from me.

She'll hold this in her delicate hand,

She's distorting the truth.

She's doing something.

She's going to emit a high pitched tone.

She's just wonderful.

She's right.

Shut up.

Simply exhausts my feminine mind.

Smokin' outlaws! Who's with me?

So every day these people have to make up life,

So is there a chance we could do it all over again?

So many people are giving it up. It just breaks my heart.

So much trouble,

So she could sit on her ass. I give it a year.

So she's not blonde.

So you lied?

So, I would like to start with a fresh idea

So, Tommy, how was your science fair?

Some sort of flesh melting force field

Somehow that fiery tube has mitigated your oafishness.

Someone's got to go see my science teacher tomorrow.

Something about this doesn't wash.

Something's wrong. My transfer's not holding.

Sorry I missed it.

Stop get your hands off

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Stop it. That's an order.

Stuff.

Suddenly you look so I've never used this word

Super combo number four.

Super combo number one.

Tell us everything. I want details.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Do you hear that, high commander?

Thank you. There, you see...

Thanks for nothing.

Thanks.

Thanks. You've saved me.

That I would be the man you needed.

That I'd be driving a car

That is so beautiful.

That must be very confusing for you.

That she was a good frencher?

That shows the crack in your breasts.

That surrounds her.

That takes years and years.

That the most beautiful, radiant woman in the room

That was a close one. I wasn't sure we were gonna make it.

That was my fly.

That was pathetic.

That you won't recognize when it bites you on the ass.

That... I'm sick.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

That's exactly what we were going for.

That's nice. What is it?

That's not how it works. This is how it works.

That's right. I'm burning up for you, baby.

That's why nobody ever gets to the window.

The carburetor's a rebuild,

The ceremony begins with the bride being given away.

The dentist who drills his own teeth

The first cool drag in the morning,

The first person goes to the window.

The fun tastic goofy meal number two.

The high commander said that I could turn myself

The lady at the drugstore said if this doesn't work,

The love, the closeness.

The mall, Dick. I was at the mall.

The people on this planet

The personal trainer/playwright,

The point I'm making is,

The real truth is,

The rest of me is anatomically correct.

The second person moves to the orange line, becoming first.

The size of a silver dollar.

The third person becomes second, and the rest of us pull up the slack!

The truth? Then I will be brutally Frank.

The truth.

Their lives are so fragile.

Then they'll just have to deal with a whole bunch of...

There are just too many gaps in this line.

There is no absolute personal truth here,

There, you see, I've stopped

There. Is that better?

There's a star missing right there.

There's got to be some way you can help me.

There's nothing to it.

They are stealthy, but they are stupid.

They can isolate us, but they'll never separate us.

They only have machine guns

This interesting character you're with?

This is a perfect opportunity to observe a wedding firsthand.

This is all your fault.

This is brilliant!

This is creepy.

This is Dina. She's the one that got us sick.

This is my first date with Dr. Albright.

This is strictly research.

This is supposed to be fun. Here, Sally, have some popcorn.

This is Wednesday. She calls it "over the hump day."

This makes me feel powerless and susceptible,

This popcorn kernel is agony.

This popcorn kernel is driving me crazy.

This redhead came in last week.

This seat sucks.

This secondhand smoke

This wasn't a test.

This won't affect my grade?

This would be a good opportunity for my colleagues to get to know you.

Thorazine. I'll get you some water.

Those things will take 10 years off of your life.

Time prohibits my naming them all.

To a lifetime of happiness together.

To get over the rough spots.

To inform you all that this planet both wipes

To join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony,

To listen to me once Aah!

To sedate yourself, Dr. Bankson.

Today Dr. Albright wanted something from me. All she did was ask.

Today's Friday.

Tommy, are you all right? Where have you been?

Tommy, have you been sitting in that same chair all day?

Tommy, have you smoked your cigarette yet?

Tommy, I thought I told you no science projects in the kitchen.

Tommy, I'm hereby placing you under house arrest.

Tommy, we're going out.

Tommy, you should be to my right so I could actually have an armrest.

Tossed aside like an old shoe.

Trust me? You're the one who lied and tricked me.

Two hot steaming bowls of chili.

Two of them are false, and one is true.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uh... you make me really nervous.

Unless you can talk some idiot into replac

Very well, I can wait.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Hold it. Everybody just sit down.

Wait! You're not finished with me yet!

Wait. There's free girls? Can I go?

Wake up and snort the coffee.

Was as oily and disgusting as me.

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

We all understand what truth is, don't we?

We are gathered together here in the sight of god

We ask that you take responsibility.

We await your orders, high commander.

We can't. We were talking about you.

We come from very different backgrounds.

We could go to my house.

We give it a year!

We gotta find him.

We have to put a vaporizer in your room.

We meet at last.

We need some duct tape and jumper cables.

We should contact him I mean, as part of our mission to study life on this planet.

We should each only be a single person thickness apart.

We're colleagues. I trust her.

We're having sex tonight!

We're here waitin'.

We've got that big metal ladder in the garage.

Well said.

Well, as an adolescent, everything annoys me,

Well, Dick, my life is hell.

Well, Dr. Solomon, it's 2:00 A.M.

Well, first, on behalf of Dr. Albright,

Well, how do I get up there?

Well, I am a manly man.

Well, I am the high commander.