HouseBroken (2021) - Season 1 Edit

A better listener, sneeze more quietly‐‐

A chocolate‐covered chicken bone in a motorcycle sidecar.

A freaky bald dog in a diaper danced into my life.

A little something for you.

A lunatic has made me his muse. ‐ So stay with me.

A misunderstanding, says this guy.

A pack or in your case, a gaze.

A premarital couple's session for you and Lindsay.

A rabbit had a bunch of heart attacks.

A real Scotty Caan move.

A real sexy, dangerous one, too.

A shot glass.

A throuple fail of epic proportions.

A wild animal.

A‐five, six, seven‐‐ No?

A‐five, six, seven, eight!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Get it off! Help!

About a dog who's not even a member of the group.

About balancing pack mentality with individuality.

About bees and flowers, thank you very much.

About Lindsay.

About not trusting raccoons.

About the words "intensive" and "Brice."

About their careers and relationships.

About wanting to save Lenny in group this morning.

About what "three" means.

About when you were a puppy

About you and The Gray One.

About your relationship right now?

Adieu. [laughs]

Adorable.

After her one‐night stand

After you left the park.

After you put the chicken back.

Again? Really?

Against Brother Easy.

Ah, don't get cute with me.

Ah, I should probably hide the evidence.

Ah, let me help get you started:

Ah, okay. Well, goodbye, Armando.

Ah, there's one Max didn't say.

Ah, wet food.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! ‐ Guys,

Ah! Ah! Thorns!

Ah! Get him off me! Get him off me!

Ah! Give me space, perv!

Ah! Oh, damn it!

Ah. I thought I was, but I'm not an animal.

Ahh! ‐ Oh, no.

Ahh! [whimpers]

Ahh... ‐ Now to sleep

All I have to do is exactly what Brice tells me to,

All I need is a patch of grass, ray of sunshine, gentle breeze.

All kibbles and bits.

All night...

All of your wonderfully earned wrinkles.

All right, come on, little perv.

All right, let's pick this up tonight,

All right, you know what?

All right, you were not very helpful back there.

All these clues tell me

All you do is take. You think you're wild,

All:

All: ♪ 'Cause your life expectancy's not grand! ♪

All: ♪ Neglect is our dad, infection's our mother ♪

All: ♪ There's always a place for U ♪

All: ♪ There's always a place for you ♪

All: ♪ Trust us, way softer than pus ♪

All: ♪ You were the best, now you're just the rest ♪

All: ♪ You're in deep crap!

Almost fixed it,

Although I do that, too.

Although I've only poked a bear metaphorically.

Am I made of moonlight and whispers?

Am I making the right choice

Am I slipping?

An oas‐‐an o‐‐ [loud thumping]

An oasis of calm so you can feel your feelings!

An oasis of calm‐‐ [loud thumping]

An oasis‐‐ [loud thumping]

And a divorced real estate agent.

And a dog too fat to swim."

And a feral trash bandit might spice things up.

And a mouse that won't shut up!

And a pool that tastes like pretzels!

And about to get her period!

And action.

And all his human dad said was, "That's mah boy."

And all of his disgusting friends.

And all the stuff that makes one big thing.

And all the stuff that makes one big thing.

And also because birds as a species are disgusting.

And animal trafficking side hustles on hold for the night.

And anywhere from 40 to 60 other cats.

And apparently we go to the dog park.

And been too embarrassed to go outside.

And Big Cookie drives away in the heaven car.

And bring him in, Randy!

And brought him home, and I've been falling asleep

And commissioned Dave Matthews to write a song about me.

And companionship! You didn't let me finish!

And complete the cycle.

And dangerous.

And Diablo, what are you? Like, a dog?

And does it really look that bad?

And doesn't have all its vaccinations.

And don't poop in the house!

And don't want any witnesses?

And dream about what high jinks

And even though my mom's got tons of rules,

And flatulates as unto a great storm!

And for Max when he farted on Dame Judi Dench.

And get jacked up on this fertilizer.

And give in to your carnal desires

And give it up for Amberconda!

And given the way you feel about him, he is one lucky dog.

And going into the living room.

And had a wild, sexy, dangerous night in Altadena?

And has come back to me.

And have nothing to lose?

And he had 11 friends.

And he left so much food, and it's like‐‐

And he no longer has to compromise on my look.

And he won't be interfering at all.

And he's just moved to our neighborhood.

And he's meaner than ever.

And her nephew comes over

And here come the tears.

And here we have the Hall of Fame.

And Honey, I'm so sorry I ever doubted you,

And how much does the French horn cost?

And I am feeling myself! [chuckles]

And I am having the time of my life!

And I build a new Big Cookie out of sand!

And I can eat candy whenever I want.

And I can't rely on legumes.

And I can't replace her.

And I did, hard.

And I don't like the misogyny in that term,

And I don't need to talk about it.

And I don't seem to have a problem.

And I get a treat.

And I have often wondered if my chance for happiness

And I just‐‐I think you would really benefit from it.

And I know every word to the movie, "In Her Shoes."

And I live somewhere between compliant and frisky.

And I lived through the Summer of Sam.

And I mean, we've been living together a long time,

And I might be a once in a generation talent.

And I never will. I am a survivor.

And I resent Honey for imposing it on us.

And I think he's got his eye on you, Lindsay.

And I think I know why. ‐ He sucks!

And I think it could be good for us.

And I think we should just let it go.

And I tunneled through a mountain of tuna salad

And I understand.

And I was along for the ride.

And I wasn't even trying.

And I wish him luck.

And I won't be back until the rivers of Altadena run yellow.

And I‐‐I mean, what are you talking about, Bubbles?

And I'm coming for you!

And I'm feeling pretty good about this.

And I'm going really fast.

And I'm happy for them,

And I'm kind of the unofficial

And I'm like, "Damn, girl. "

And I'm mourning the loss of my mate.

And I'm sad

And I'm the one with HR on my ass?

And if a person tries to take it,

And if I don't check in, our alpha gets a little bite‐y.

And if I've lost everyone's trust,

And if so, they tend to be human.

And in the other, someone finds them eating

And it might help us, you know,

And it reminded me you still have my cat.

And it rhymes with fudge‐mental.

And it sounds like he's recognizing that.

And it still reminds me so much of Big Cookie.

And it turns out you're a microwave.

And it's all mine? [laughs]

And it's all thanks to you, Dr. Honey.

And it's brought up a lot of feelings about...

And it's his turn to share.

And it's moving through my body.

And it's not just that they're super special good girls

And it's very confusing.

And just before I make a decision,

And just dumps dry kibble everywhere?

And keep you company.

And keep you from getting killed in your sleep!

And leave his best friend behind.

And let a meaty gator decide who gets me!

And let Coyote see me like this.

And let Diablo have the floor

And let me tell you‐‐ I do not anymore.

And let us serve you forever.

And look, I don't care if she is a shoe.

And made sure we got adopted together.

And my father's craftsman.

And my food source all in one.

And my Randy are gonna end joint custody

And my secret talent is this.

And needs someone to help him blink.

And neither should you. [chuckles]

And nestled into my skull,

And never say goodbye?

And Nibbles, you're tough as nails with a heart of gold.

And no matter how many hideous cat parades I put together,

And not just on a dating site?

And not knowing how to process them?

And not what was best for us.

And now I am here with greasy coat.

And now I'm gonna spend the rest of my life

And now she lives with him in the wild.

And now they always have my back.

And now they hate me!

And now you have the chance to bring him back!

And now, we can finally be together!

And on the walls sometimes.

And one of them is dating a new human named Randy.

And one of your testicles hadn't descended...

And one time, it almost worked.

And only a fool would waste their time trying.

And only then will you be truly appreciated.

And ours will be the last faces

And peanut butter.

And perverse fairy tales are made of.

And pets do not bite people.

And Raccoon buffed your nails before he left.

And remember,

And scary vet visits.

And see that 5'3" hunk of charisma over there?

And see what we can score at the ice cream truck.

And see who I go to.

And she doesn't lead her no hair bear to the shed

And she was like, "If I was his testicle,

And she'd do this funny voice

And she's warming up to the idea of getting back together.

And show you guys who I really am.

And since then, I investigated a leaky septic tank,

And so instead of apologizing,

And so is our life together, at least it was

And some other things out right now.

And something dairy‐free for dad.

And sometimes bathroom robot is not sitting well.

And start Fris‐beeing.

And start sniffing your own,

And suddenly, Chief was gone.

And taking me to your mysterious lair.

And talk and breathe.

And tell Diablo a little bit about ourselves.

And tell us a little bit about your‐‐

And that is guitar lessons,

And that is me.

And that might make us feel uncomfortable.

And that treat is all yours.

And that you can move

And that's why I ask‐‐

And that's why I live in dread of Boomsday.

And that's why we're here for each other.

And The Elder Sea Lion did reply, "Tell me about it."

And the enemies that they have...

And the good news is, now Nathan's gone.

And the knowledge that happiness comes from within,

And the moment we locked eyes...

And the one‐eyed cat lied to the husky cat.

And their carpets clean!

And their dumpster overfloweth

And then 12. And then 13.

And then came The Booms.

And then Diablo peed on Brice's shoe and said,

And then he had 8, and they were all chicks.

And then I liberally sprinkled the floor

And then I'll eat you.

And then it was something I said.

And then it's treat, treat, treat, treat,

And then she ran off with him and she didn't tell us?

And then she said a lot of hurtful things and‐‐

And then the no‐hair‐bear took him.

And then we nap some more.

And then we went to jail.

And there are three more.

And there was another service dog on the plane,

And there's a new "Property Brothers" on tonight!

And there's no such thing as a Were‐Poodle.

And there's nobody here to see it.

And think about how much you must've cost Don Cheadle,

And this ain't my first rodeo.

And this dog, with the dad bod.

And those deep brown eyes... ‐ Ooh.

And thus did Brother Easy say,

And voluptuous super canine

And we always do that. Jinx.

And we are cohabitating.

And we are dining on grass‐raised tilapia.

And we are gonna part‐ay! [laughs]

And we can be best friends forever.

And we could kick or eat your ass.

And we love it. ‐ Oh.

And we still have a few minutes left of the session.

And we understand

And we were inseparable until he left for college.

And we'll talk tonight.

And we're not gonna solve this mystery tonight.

And we've been doing great work here.

And what could be healthier than moving on?

And what is in your eye?

And when he leaves, I eat uncontrollably,

And when Shel asks if we had fun,

And why is he grooming Jill's face?

And would like to get to the other paw.

And yet, I still think the choice is pretty obvious.

And you can't tell Honey.

And you got neutered, the vet said

And you have to do what it takes to survive.

And you know what she'd say about moving on.

And you know what? [farts]

And you know, I get it, she's cute,

And you were there, and Uncle Nathan was‐‐

And you‐‐you guarantee this to be true?

And you're all getting one for Christmas.

And you're an Afghan, so I thought maybe...

And you're getting a world‐class education.

And you're just back in?

And you're more than welcome to join.

And you're stuck with them.

And you're sure he didn't come over

And your lady chose me as "cat of the day."

And your testicle would be like,

And‐‐and for the purposes of this discussion,

And‐‐and thank you.

And‐‐oh, forget it.

And, as I'm sure you've heard around the garden,

And, of course, tradition holds

And, secondly, go jinx yourself!

And, sure, George spends most of his time in England lately,

And, um, connect on a‐‐

And, you know, I am gangster, you know this.

Animals get together and share their struggles.

Another $39.

Any guesses? He was the best Batman.

Anybody? both: Shut up, Elsa!

Anyone else wanna share?

Anyone else want to jump in here?

Anyone else want to try?

Anyone order some imitation bacon?

Anyone remember Renee Zels and Kenny Chess?

Anyway, I won't take up any more of your time.

Anyway, keep talking about your boring thing.

Anyway, we all bonded.

Anyway, we're gonna need tough cats,

Apparently some choices were made by some of you

Apparently that's a power move.

Apparently the only service I'm good for

Apparently this guy went to market and had roast beef.

Apple picking? Leaf peeping?

Are as real as this table.

Are driving the coast, living that #vanlife.

Are our way of burying doubts

Are telling me to run around and kick ass,

Are the only thing that keep us from killing each other.

Are trying out all these new sedatives on me.

Are you guys getting some quality time?

Are you in on it?

Are you okay?

Are you ready?

Are you seeing this? I knew she could do it!

Armando.

Armando. ‐ Okay. [chuckles]

As a matter of fact, I do.

As a petroleum‐based foam resin,

As a sex‐sual dynamo.

As he cruised farm tables on First Dibs.

As I manage my expectations, I love them.

As many times as I have,

As more horny than stinky.

As you know, it's been 15 years since‐‐

At least I can channel these feelings into my poetry.

At least two bowls a day so, um...

At least you still got your owner's attention.

At the toxic waste management facility.

At your place, too.

Aw, crap.

Aw, I'd love to stay and talk, but I've got an ocean to drink.

Aw, let's get there already!

Aw, okay.

Aw, sausage monster!

Aw. [chuckles]

Aww, aren't you the female friend and daughter

Bachelorette parties are about games

Barbara.

Be a little wild, make a little mischief

Be our God, mighty Chief,

Beach, you always deliver.

Beat it, Scuba Steve.

Because Diablo turned him against me!

Because for some reason, we need some cats like that.

Because he got pinned under a leaf or something,

Because he was born with balls between his legs!

Because he's half‐digested

Because I already went.

Because I thought it meant "furry" and "luxurious,"

Because I thought replacing Big Cookie

Because I thought you wanted to move here.

Because I'm a mean, green obedience machine.

Because it smells and not in a good way.

Because it was cute, people love it.

Because it wouldn't look like‐‐

Because Mommy only loves herself.

Because other dogs can get so jealous.

Because ours just mated."

Because she's a poodle who can't rely on legumes.

Because there's something I need to do.

Because this is beautiful.

Because this is the most fun!

Because you're in love with me,

Before everyone find out.

Before I get secondhand skunked.

Before my trauma swallows me whole.

Before the bloodthirsty coyotes.

Before the lights went out.

Before we could live forever!

Before you became a bonded pair.

Believing I was better than everyone else.

Besides, I know what's in her heart and I know

Besides, if you joined group

Besides, Jill may get other pets,

Besides, now that Ray Liotta's running for head

Besides, we don't get a lot of chances to whoop it up

Bet you're feeling a little less ugly now.

Between a swashbuckling coyote

Between not a dog and a cat.

Big Cookie? ‐ Goodbye, Honey.

Bingo.

Boom‐Shakalaka!

Both:

Both: ♪ 'Cause Altadena belongs to the wild ♪

Both: ♪ Share my wild Altadena night ♪

Both: ♪ Share my wild Altadena night ♪

Both: And here we are.

Both: Curiosity.

Both: Make new friends. ‐ Run.

Both: Push her in! Push her in!

Both: That was it.

Both: That's a sweet story.

Both: We'd love to.

Both: What?

Brain shutting down.

Brett? There have been mistake.

Brice says this is supposed to increase my willpower.

Bum‐bum‐bong.

Burned down a Jamba Juice? ‐ No.

But a pack of killer coyotes just moved up there.

But after that, super‐romantic weekend.

But all you wanted to talk about was Juliet and Rutabaga.

But also not scoot on Jill's rug?

But apparently it wasn't new enough for you.

But at least I destroyed your little group.

But check out what we found at our house.

But Chief is clearly Little Cookie's favorite.

But do I ever get a turn? ‐ Feels like she does.

But evidently, I was wrong.

But finally got the nerve to talk to her

But guess what? I'm also a student of history.

But guess what? We're animals, y'all!

But he took the bigger small bag

But hit me up again about ball later.

But how do I eat you?

But how would you phrase that?

But I also have needs in this relationship.

But I am aroused by it, so do your worst.

But I can assure you,

But I can still poop anywhere...

But I can't handle the Lindsay sitch on my own.

But I confess, my excitement for the impending nuptials

But I did it anyway.

But I didn't.

But I don't know to whom.

But I don't like that everyone saw my gobbler.

But I fear it may be too soon

But I feel very bloated right now,

But I forgive you for eating Uncle Nathan.

But I haven't been asking about you

But I know someone who can help.

But I mean it in the angry way now.

But I refuse to let her rob me

But I saw The Gray One on Tiny Fruit and Toothpick Street.

But I still think there's a deeper meaning.

But I think we can handle Boomsday.

But I will definitely check out your Soundcloud.

But I‐I think I should go home.

But I'll make it stay in the kitchen.

But I'll tell you what really happened

But I'm also a pet.

But I'm really peeved right now.

But I'm sure I'll be out here vulnerable and alone later.

But if Nathan was eaten,

But if that's what you're into, you are gonna have to wait.

But if you change your mind,

But if you don't wanna talk about it, that's cool.

But if you're down to role‐play it,

But in a good way. [giggles]

But instead I look like a mini fridge.

But it felt so right.

But it is three minutes past the starting time, and we‐‐

But it turns out being a dog of divorce

But it turns out, um,

But it's Boomsday.

But it's clear he's not coming today,

But it's just left me feeling a little, um, lonely.

But it's my ass on the line here, Nonna.

But it's not fair to you... So, bye.

But it's nothing compared to the challenge

But let's just say his name was Ocean,

But more accurate picture shows how much they want you back.

But my life is here, Armando.

But my sky‐high self‐esteem came from me

But none will have our special connection.

But not from you. ‐ Me?

But now I'm back because I chose you, Chief.

But now I'm mad at Honey.

But now suddenly you're helping?

But now that I'm getting fixed,

But now, it's like I'm invisible.

But only in self‐defense.

But please don't tell anyone I actually miss the hot goss.

But please let me know if I'm misreading your signals.

But sense has nothing to do with love.

But Shel, one thing I love about you is your optimism.

But stay close just in case.

But testing the bounds of Jill's forgiveness

But that makes more sense 'cause you're awesome.

But that might have been a dream.

But that's not all.

But that's only because my credibility is shot.

But that's why I love you, mama.

But that's why we're here. Honey, do your stuff.

But the basic gist of it was...

But the fact that they're using this less beautiful

But the rhyme is too delicious to pass up.

But the time we spent together

But then too much time passed and it would have been weird.

But therapy has totally calmed me.

But there's so much prep involved.

But they each have their own individual personalities.

But they finally found the perfect drug!

But they're getting closer together and then more intense.

But this is no place for you, and don't count on me

But this is serious.

But this one has to mean something‐‐

But this will do, I guess.

But to sit there by choice when all my instincts

But underneath that is me. [gasps]

But wait, are you serious?

But we both know that this will never work...

But we have an incursion in the Delta Quadrant.

But we should probably go check on him.

But we've had lots of great times together.

But when he comes back I'm fine,

But when I do something significant,

But when I peeked out, I saw‐‐

But would you want to be in a montage with me?

But you can just tune him out.

But you know what, George? Now it's my time!

But you might get more out of our friendship

But you obviously don't care because you‐‐

But you're a hot stud.

But you're a real hero.

But you're actually the most dependent animal I've ever met.

But you're lying to yourself.

But you're not legally licensed to be a therapist either,

But you've still got your vest friend.

But, I mean, that's neither here nor there.

But, I mean, what does it matter?

But, no, she's dead. So you're not her.

But, um, save that for home.

But, um, they will tear you limb from limb,

But...

By a disgusting raccoon.

By having our wedding color be forest green.

By putting the thing in the soft place.

By running away from your feelings.

By the children in my classroom.

By the good‐dog/bad‐dog binary.

By throwing a golf ball at it.

By using the one thing Jill loves more than anything else.

Bye, buddy.

Bye, tiny beach robot!

Bye.

Calling for my mother.

Can I call her Magnolia?

Can I catch a ride?

Can only end in heartbreak.

Can you be more than a dog

Can you see them from where you are?

Can't handle another public rejection.

Can't have paw prints on the carpet.

Can't wear boots. I pee on myself.

Cane, these are the boys.

Carter just got red‐collared. Spank him!

Cat‐‐Pickles, no! Stop! Come here.

Catch me, Daddy Stelios.

Character is what you do when nobody is watching.

Chase balls and roll around in the mud?

Chase squirrels, and call it group.

Check back in later.

Check it out: slow motion.

Check it out. Feed.

Cheep‐cheep? [chuckles evilly]

Chew.

Chico peed out some rocks, and one dog was there

Chico, that little round car is eating all the food!

Chico, uh, yes, please. ‐ Aw.

Chief and I just couldn't connect.

Chief and I want to thank you guys for coming to rescue us.

Chief and I were just puppies, playing in the backyard,

Chief ate something he shouldn't have.

Chief eating garbage outside of a feminist strip club

Chief, are you having "excitarrhea"?

Chief, Chief!

Chief, I pooped in the house!

Chief, is it, um, is it possible, um‐‐

Chief!

Chief! Chief! Chief!

Chief! Welcome home!

Chief? Oh.

Chomping on a discarded ice cream cone

Circle of life.

Classier than Clooney, that's for sure.

Clooney was heartbroken,

Co‐leader of the group.

Come here, sweet guy. I'm rescuing you.

Come on and get there already.

Come on in. The water's disgusting.

Come on, I'll show you the bed we all share.

Come on, Jill. We need this.

Come on, Lindsay. I'm right here.

Come on, tastes even better when you kill it yourself.

Come on, we'll explain on the way.

Come on!

Come on. I'll see you in there.

Come quick! I may have overstated it,

Come with us.

Coming to your rescue.

Completely blew up her life,

Completely nude standing in front of a brick wall.

Cool if it's not‐‐um, for you to eat without m‐larf‐ing?

Cool vest.

Crash‐y ball for 48 hours?

CZ Jones is my godmother.

Damn.

Dance naked in the moonlight

Dance party! Elsa, break it down!

Dangerous cats sing song to me?

Dangerous. You know what?

Dare I introduce myself?

Darla, Lindsay, and I are now a throuple.

Day‐old mac and cheese out of a sequined sports bra,

Delay gratification, practice discipline,

Delusions are often more vivid than real memories.

Denise found a gray male on the street being mauled

Designed to put you on the spot and succumb to peer pressure.

Devotees of Mother Sea and Mother Sun.

Devours everything in sight,

Diablo tried to help their relationship flourish.

Diablo, darling, it's over between us.

Diablo, I want to apologize on behalf of the group.

Diablo, why don't you jump in

Did I already use optimism on Shel?

Did I fart in my sleep?

Did I ruin the moment?

Did you do this?

Did you have fun with your Uncle Natha‐‐

Did you just give me a nickname?

Did you know during the crusades,

Did you know that there was a branch in front of the door?

Did you, um, cut yourself shaving?

Digest.

Do my poodle doodle, and then come back.

Do the sessions always start like this?

Do we all know the Boomsday warning signs?

Do you guys want to go to Tijuana?

Do you guys want to have dinner with us tonight?

Do you have any idea how soft I am?

Do you think our relationship is dysfunctional?

Do you think the fact that you two chose each other

Does anybody have anything new to share?

Does he smell like Randy? ‐ Woof.

Does she return to her home where the no‐hair bears

Does that mean we cannot form bonds?

Doesn't amount to a hill of fish‐beans

Doesn't mean I can't do girl talk.

Doesn't mean you're a bad dog.

Doesn't that mean someone here ate him?

Dog parks, right?

Domestic in the shack, feral in the sack.

Don't answer that.

Don't be mad at me for being happy with Tabitha.

Don't come any closer!

Don't do that!

Don't embarrass yourself by begging me to change my mind.

Don't ever let anyone tell you this is wrong.

Don't get any ideas. I licked him first.

Don't let her snuff out your light.

Don't trust my judgment on this one,

Don't waste this gift! ‐ [cries]

Doubling down on the lie, I guess.

Drive safe. That horrible bird is dead.

Drop the stick!

Dude, on the weekends, we really take it easy.

Due to the snake's agonizingly slow digestive process,

During that tender moment.

Ears, and testicles.

Eat a Q‐tip once in a while,

Eating chicken on the bone?

Either way, Diablo's eventually going to have to pay the piper.

Either way, I'm eating the chicken.

Elsa, how did your fake therapy session go?

Elsa! Help.

Emotional state.

Enjoying what we thought

Enough with horny tortoise and his delusions.

Euch. ‐ Euch.

Every session, all I do is listen to you,

Everyone else at the wedding is going to understand.

Everyone except Darla.

Everyone has alibis,

Everyone self‐protect!

Everything I hoped not to be. [whines]

Ew, tastes like garbage.

Except it was a giant deer carcass.

Excuse me? Daddy?

Exhilarating, right?

Expecting somebody else?

Explaining why I don't want another baby in the house.

Exploring the feral passion, raw‐‐

Falling for you...

Fast boom‐booms, Tchotchke.

Faster than an Armie Hammer dinner party.

Female identifying animals and Diablo.

Filled me and my shell with feelings and liquids

Fine, I'll kiss the boot.

Fine. Yes.