Galavant - Season 1 Edit

A big, hot mess.

A bit of tea, please.

A duel to the death!

A generous offer, My Queen,

A guy once... he took his horse through a farmers market,

A henchman that doesn't kill,

A hero doesn't cry.

A hero doesn't have feelings.

A late sleeper and a lover of dolls.

A little background on the place...

A little shortsighted.

A lot of them do weep, actually.

A midday snack, My King?

A one, two, a one, two, three, four.

A pointy hatted army approaches!

A princess?

A queen who does nothing about it.

A tartare.

A word, my... liege.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!!

Aah!!

About to ride into a battle so epic...

About your dead friend's hand drawn map!

Abracadabra.

Absolutely not!

Absolutely not.

Actually, I have a question.

Actually, I think I will take the sword.

Actually, I'm not legally allowed

Actually...

Adventure awaits.

After that, I guess I just tried

Again, it's a legal thing.

Against all the odds, it's, um...

Ah, here we are.

Ah, it's too late. I had to go for the stupid butt joke.

Ah, my pants are on.

Ah, please... call me Vincenzo.

Ah, well, that's the end of my set, so thank you all, and good night!

Ah, who cares? You guys couldn't get any weirder looking.

Ah, you noticed that.

Ah!

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Aha?

Ah. How about this?

Aha!

Ahhhh!

Alakazam.

All hail Sid!

All on your own.

All right, all right. Hold on.

All right, boss, we need an escape plan.

All right, everybody! Let's to the feast!

All right, everyone, take only the bare essentials.

All right, gang.

All right, Gareth, I bought us some time.

All right, it's worth a shot. Let's go see Xanax.

All right, shove off, me hearties.

All right.

All right.

All right. All right.

All that my country has left to offer.

All that stuff and nonsense just clouds the mind.

All the time other young men chasing spent chasing girls,

All you've done since we've left is complain.

Also, a rooster. And a jewel.

Always about you, isn't it, Galavant?

Am I just repeating everything you say as a question?

Am I right?

Am I right?!

An hour, say?

And a dog needs a strong master.

And a lot of bread.

And a nice Bordeaux from my private cellar.

And after coming all this way,

And also...

And as many women as you desire.

And being mine is probably worse.

And by "window," I mean "hole"... in the wall.

And ethnically hard to pin down.

And everyone I've ever loved?

And everyone you love gets the ax.

And everything nice, but Lord knows I much prefer that

And for my champion, I choose...

And for once, I should lie in it.

And force her to marry me,

And frankly, princess, that's the only type of hero I want to be.

And Galavant back, he'd kill my parents.

And Galavant doesn't lose a duel.

And giving in to it.

And golly, am I eager...

And handed me the priceless Jewel of Valencia.

And have to go poopy... your words.

And he doesn't seem like a very nice guy, does he?

And he is still the greatest warrior in five kingdoms.

And he mentioned you might be able to help me.

And he was just a head and a finger.

And he's coming to execute my plan.

And her?

And here we are.

And his evil, treacherous brother

And how do you plan on paying for anything, hmm?

And how does he get this hummus so creamy?

And I cannot wait!

And I did all that to be with a woman

And I do not talk nonsense.

And I don't want to be any king.

And I find it helps not to ask too many questions.

And I for one am finally just throwing my arms in the air

And I meant every word.

And I promised your little lover boy

And I say this very respectfully, Sire...

And I serve My King.

And I will help you get Gwynne into your bed.

And I will use your skin as a lap blanket.

And I won't say it again,

And I would very much like you to fix it.

And I'll supply the rest.

And I'll take the floor tonight.

And I'm pretty much 100% sure

And I've come a really, really long way to say it.

And I've got every intention of being one, Princess.

And if he gets cross, give him some salty snacks.

And if I'm not?

And infiltrate from the inside.

And introducing Mr. Cheekbones himself,

And it was the day my father died.

And it's gonna be one of those forever sort of kisses.

And King Richard said if I didn't bring the jewel

And know this... I will return for them.

And lock her up forever?

And maybe that makes me all sugar and spice

And no kissing.

And not like a king.

And now I don't know what to do.

And now it's our last night

And now, for your listening pleasure, the executioners!

And now, like every great king to come before us,

And over the years, when I wrote home, I may have exaggerated a bit.

And slice his throat while he sleeps?

And so that's why I'm...

And so, on this glorious day,

And sometimes kind of gross.

And spread bastard children throughout the land,

And spunky.

And talk about how much fun the wedding was, okay?

And that is what she chooses.

And that's my ex.

And the chickpeas so perfectly blended.

And the crescent moon is risen above the Eastern Ridge.

And the jewel or else you'll suffer the same fate...

And the last thing I think of in the eve.

And the real question is, why do you still love her?

And then you will marry him, as planned.

And then, those big, long lances.

And then... tonight...

And there was... "raaaaaah!"

And they always end badly for the downstairs people.

And they fought violently every day.

And they live almost entirely off their own crops.

And this geezer is really good on the drums.

And this road is gonna be filled with bad guys

And told him that the queen still loved him.

And watch king Richard destroy my kingdom

And we need that squire of yours to help set up the party!

And we wanted to sort of "take care" of him.

And we wouldn't be in this position we are right now.

And we'll get you signed in.

And went all over her face.

And what makes you think he'll grant you that?

And what seems like the amount of exclamation points,

And when did you learn how to dance?

And while I do, husband,

And whilst you do, I will put on my pretty purple dress

And who does all the planning?

And yet every day I have to hear it

And yet the women in your life

And you are destined to be a great hero, young Galavant.

And you can offer her great fame,

And you can offer her great fortune,

And you just won't listen, and now you're gonna die for it.

And you know what I've learned about myself?

And you tell him that every night,

And you think the king's gonna drop everything

And you tried to kiss her.

And you wear too much velvet.

And you will be well taken care of as my...

And you will instantly become the richest,

And you would have helped me?

And you're gonna be making that... sound all night.

And you're not gonna die today.

And you're not gonna die today.

And your armor's on backwards!

And your beard magically stays the same length all the time.

And your whole kingdom's at stake.

And, Gareth, kill the eunuch.

And, of course, you know my current husband,

And, um, I was sort of wondering,

And, um, you fancy Gwynne, my hand maiden.

And, well...

And...

And... and announced to all the lands, uh...

And... you have an ability to see the best in people

Another wonderful routine, Jester.

Any luck on the Jewel, Richard?

Any man can get knocked down.

Any of the myriad of unsaid things between us.

Anyone can. It's meaningless.

Anyone here good with a sword?

Anyone?

Anything else you'd like to do for the last time?

Anyway, the point is, we've both been scorned by the same woman.

Anyway, what can I do for you gents?

Apologies for my wife.

Appetizers...

Are they gonna kiss?

Are we safe?

Are we talking about the same Madalena?

Are you drunk?

Are you hearing this, Gareth?

Are you hearing this? Now it's his queen.

Are you okay?

Are you serious?

Are you sure?

Aren't you sugar and spice and everything nice?

Arnold, you lazy fat ass! We're out of firewood!

Around the crotch that would just go "zip."

Arrr!

As bad as ours?

As eager as I am to begin this duel...

As it turns out.

As my family was slaughtered above me.

As some well groomed, ruggedly handsome,

As soon as the croaks of the frogs

As usual, I needed a better plan.

As your parents!

Ask her to take her socks off.

Ask to kiss her feet.

At least it wasn't a bleak one.

At least let's not lie to each other about that.

At the moment, so...

Attention, donkey turds!

Aw, that's so sweet!

Aw, you worried about me, Gar bear?

Aw.

Awesome.

Aww.

Aye.

Babbling is when someone talks nonsense,

Babe, can you believe what I've thrown together?

Back to his kingdom, where he'll be safe.

Banana who?

Banana who?

Banana.

Banana.

Banging out jokes with the Jester?

Based on the rotation of the earth

Be feeling guilty about a fatal plot she's put into motion

Be patient. Be ready.

Because at least she had the guts to do it to your face.

Because it's ridiculous.

Because you betrayed me?

Because, truthfully, I think we could be great together.

Because... Bleep... me, right?

Before being captured, my father hid me in the cellar

Before I invaded, pillaged, and destroyed your kingdom,

Before they kill us.

Before we have to duel to the death.

Behaving as if I'm everyone's second choice...

Big finish.

Bit of a stretch.

Bit of wind there.

Blah, blah, blah, have another drink."

Bless you.

Bless you.

Bloody hell.

Boom.

Boop!

Both of you promise me that right now.

Break a leg.

Break your vow, or I break your pipe.

Breathe some life back into the place, get some food and music and entertainment.

Brilliant.

Bring me the king and queen of Valencia.

Brother's trying to steal your kingdom.

Buddy... buddy books, buddy fables?

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup! All the way. Mm mmm.

Burned into my brain, sir.

Burnt by the same flame, bros before hos, all that.

But after that, I'm all about a woman's rights.

But anyway, the point is, it's the hardest thing in the world

But don't worry. Galavant's got this.

But ever since Madalena...

But Galavant stays alive.

But Galavant still lives.

But hypothetically, we'll call him "the king."

But I come from a long family of lovers.

But I don't understand. Why did you leave me for...

But I gave you an order.

But I haven't killed you.

But I haven't killed... kil...

But I need your advice.

But I will enjoy killing the girl who tried to eat my leftover man mutton.

But I'll fend them all off.

But I'm more sorry than you'll ever know.

But I'm not even sure we could both fit into my bed.

But I'm...

But I've improvised.

But if one hair on his head gets harmed,

But if you can't have vegetables,

But it always ends the same way.

But it has happened in the past,

But it was nice to be reminded

But it's only because I have a lot going on in my head and...

But let me be cryptic for a minute, will ya?!

But let me give you a couple of instructions.

But let's just keep workshopping it, okay?

But love isn't meant for people like us.

But most of all, they loved each other.

But my family.

But my parents can't stand you, and my cousin is...

But no father dreams this big.

But not just face, your brain.

But please don't give up on us.

But really... tell me more

But she's strong, and I mire strength.

But that order came from the king,

But that was before you fell for the handsome knight...

But the facial hair is nice, as well.

But they hurt my feelings.

But to our people for thousands of years.

But tomorrow, there'll likely be a new king,

But trust me, princess...

But what?

But when I win, you'll release my friends.

But wouldn't it be better to storm the castle later?

But you do babble, princess.

But you never complained.

But you should be proud of the man you are.

But you were married.

But you were yourself. You told me who you were...

But you're not fooling anyone.

But you're the king.

But your son with an "O" was my sun with a "U."

But, darling, you've barely touched your roast peacock.

But, then again, I've sworn an oath to protect the king.

But, um...

But, unfortunately, we don't have the 100 shillings.

But...

But... how?

But... what the... all that time...

By going down to the dungeon and killing everyone who's left?

Bye, everybody!

Bye, Harry.

Call it a laboratory.

Call that guard over.

Can I buy you a drink?

Can I interest you in a drink?

Can mean a lot of things.

Can we just focus?

Can you come here a sec?

Can you explain to me

Can't even sc**** together an entry fee?

Can't we just have a normal adventure?

Careful, princess.

Catapult at the ready.

Catapult.

Celebration for what?

Ch ch.

Cha ching!

Cheers.

Chef, be a doll and shove a few more cannonballs down my husband's throat.

Chef, I've killed... Most of your family, right?

Chef!

Classic misdirection.

Come along, then.

Come here, you!

Come in! Come in!

Come on in!

Come on, chef! To the horses!

Come on, darling. Let's go.

Come on, Jester! Do the bit that I wrote!

Come on, let's sing Pearl's song together,

Come on, man, you must remember.

Come on, you.

Come on!

Come on! Do some more! Wait. Do me. Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come up here.

Come with me, Sire.

Comes into town,

Coming, mom!

Congratulations, Sid.

Cost us a fortune.

Could you make me, like, a cheesy omelette

Cousin Harry's coming?

Crazy.

Cut her face.

Dairy makes him gassy.

Damn it, dad!

Damn it, Gareth.

Damn.

Definitely, My King.

Devoted myself to doing something better with my life

Dickie?

Dickie.

Did Madalena want me to come for her?

Did they steal your chain mail again, young Galavant?

Did you even know I was coming?

Did you hear about the knight that got off his high horse?

Did you just say...

Did you know that my hometown of Valencia

Did you know that? I got it for my birthday!

Did you miss me, Gal?

Didn't have time for much else, in fact.

Die, swine!

Die!

Do the bit.

Do we have a deal?

Do you know, I'm beginning to think you're right.

Do you like me, Gareth?

Do you really think this is the appropriate time

Do you still have any feeling, you know...

Do you think anyone would care?

Do you think I should save the kingdom and then rescue Madalena?

Do you understand?

Does everyone agree?

Does that clear things up for you?

Does that ring any bells?

Does this strap go on the front or the back?

Don't ask me. Ask the chicken!

Don't ask.

Don't call me that.

Don't get too comfortable.

Don't make me always have to be the bad guy.

Don't pull your punches! Have fun with it!

Don't tell me your squire is as dimwitted as our squire.

Don't worry, sire, we'll be fine.

Don't worry.

Down there?

Drink up, drink up.

Drinks are on me!

Drinks.

Eh, I wouldn't call us close, but we hang, yeah.

Eh, it's you.

Eight hours of my life I can't get back.

Either really fat or really skinny,

Engaged?!

Enjoy yourselves.

Enough!

Enough!

Especially her.

Especially the living part.

Even after they've wronged you.

Even if you had nothing to gain from it?

Even the old, bald guy sent that pigeon message.

Even though I'm the one who's gonna kill you,

Every father dreams of his son being greater than he is,

Every night, she would cry out, "I made the wrong choice.

Every night, we'd gather around the town elder tree

Everybody sing!

Everybody, boogie!

Everybody, shh! A guard.

Everyone else filled their résumés

Everyone say bye bye to Izzy.

Everyone, come see my son, the knight!

Everyone, I'm going to kill my brother!

Everyone, line up. Take a free shot at the eunuch.

Everything comes back to this moment.

Everything's about to change.

Excellent.

Excellent. Tell me, what does a person do just before they die?

Excuse me!

Fair enough.

Fantastic!

Feels lived in.

Fell... fell for what? Fell for him?

Figurines. Detailed figurines.

Find me the jewel, would you, dear?

Find them or I'll eat your firstborn for breakfast.

Fine by me.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. Go ahead.

Fine. If I can't win her love, I'll buy it.

Fine. If we can't beat Galavant on his turf,

First one to his feet is the winner?

First thing they teach you in jester school...

First, chef, I am so munchy.

Follow me.

For a feast that you're cooking, that I'm serving.

For bringing me back to me.

For God's sakes, Gareth. You're allowed to laugh.

For hours and hours of spontaneous, unscripted theater.

For my new friend and pretend to be his bride to be.

For old times' sake.

For realsies.

For the hundredth time, no.

For the past 10 minutes.

For when I first see him.

For you and my hand maiden.

For you, princess, I might break both of his.

For you.

For your fastest pigeon.

Forget I'm your king and talk to me like your friend.

Forget it. Guards, just seize them.

Forgive me, My Queen.

Four months ago,

Four months ago, my peaceful kingdom of Valencia...

Four months I hid in that cellar.

Freak.

Friends, listen up.

From the bottle.

Galavan...

Galavant 01x01 pilot

Galavant 01x02 Joust Friends

Galavant 01x05 Completely Mad... Alena.

Galavant 01x06 Dungeons and Dragon Lady

Galavant S01E03 Two Balls

Galavant always taught me a hero represses his feelings,

Galavant and King Richard have gone.

Galavant fights for me!

Galavant is the greatest hero of our entire kingdom.

Galavant must be helping us from beyond the grave.

Galavant planning things, looking cool.

Galavant wins!

Galavant would not stand for this.

Galavant, no!

Galavant, no!

Galavant!

Galavant!

Galavant! Galavant!

Galavant...

Galavant's coming?

Galavant's the complete package,

Gareth will fight for me.

Gareth, did you hear what the eunuch said?

Gareth, did you kill everyone who needed to be killed?

Gareth, do you remember the lullaby

Gareth, go take a whack at the eunuch.

Gareth, I assume you like women.

Gareth, I have a horribly scratchy throat.

Gareth, isn't that amazing?

Gareth, we agreed I would say the cool things.

Gareth, why do you always have to poop on the party?

Gareth, would you please escort Madalena down to the dungeon

Gareth?

Gareth.

Gareth.

Gareth.

Gareth...

Get creative!

Get it, girl! You the queen!

Get Madalena, and get us out of here.

Get ready. My parents are a lot.

Get up.

Get your snacks before the duel, everybody!

Getting us out of here the wrong way.

Glad to hear it. Get plucking, squire.

Go get 'em, girl!

Go on, you!

Go on.

Go on. And you.

Go through it.

Go. Go.

God told us to.

God, do I have to do everything around here?

God, everyone's in such moods.

Good for you. Cheers to that.

Good luck... Dickie.

Good morning, sunshine.

Good morning... sir.

Good night, sweet prince.

Good night, sweet prince.

Good night.

Good night...

Good thing I do. Wake up, sire.

Good. You can buy me one.

Gosh.

Great love.

Great place to raise a family.

Great.

Guards!

Guards!

Guards!

Gwynne!

Gwynne?

H hey, Keith?

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha! More like "chunky"!

Ha.

Habrazamdabra, flanimal ham.

Happening around here pretty damn soon.

Have children.

Have fun changing your name when you get married.

Have I not?

Have these been open the whole time?

Have you ever heard of Xanax?

Have you gone absolutely mad?

He and his queen slept right above me.

He can't sleep at night

He cries like a baby, he cares like a woman.

He doesn't play nice.

He got me that so I could have a sit down.

He is cute.

He is my chef, and only I can execute him.

He is the lord of the...

He makes decoupage footstools as a hobby.

He may not be able to talk, but I can.

He stole my crown.

He took my bloody seat!

He was a toad.

He was cuter pre dungeon.

He will not participate in a joust like some common knight.

He would kill my parents.

He'd have to be blind not to know that his wife's getting it on with the Jester!

He'll be here tonight as the sun has cast

He's a bit of a ponce, but I like him.

He's alive.

He's also my fiance.

He's behind this. I know it.

He's in the attic.

He's not part of it?

He's trying to steal your lady,

He's walking into a trap of my own making!

He's wearing tights!

Hell, you can even send all your men to help him,

Hello, brother.

Hello, darling.

Hello, Galavant.

Hello, Jean Hamm.

Hello, stinkos.

Hello, there!

Hello, there.

Hello, Valencia! Here's one for you.

Hello. Nice to see you.

Help me out.

Herbs? For what? F f for cooking?

Here we are, sir.

Hero, my ass.

Hey, before we do this thing,

Hey, everybody!

Hey, Gal. Come on. You're embarrassing yourself.

Hey, Gareth, did you see how excited

Hey, guys! Pre duel lunch! Come on!

Hey, I'm so excited about Isabella getting older.

Hey, I've only ever hugged one man in my life,

Hey, in that case, you guys want to see my room from when I was a kid?

Hey, it's all right, it's all right.

Hey, Keith, check this out.

Hey, look! Oh, wow! It's him!

Hey, m'lady.

Hey, Valencians.

Hey, w what are all these dudes doing

Hey, you know what?

Hey! Oh, and promise me you're not gonna say anything

Hey! That was a birthday present.

Hey.

Hi, cousin. Looking good.

Hi, pretty Izzy.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hm?

Hmm, so is your mama.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Hmm? Come again?

Hmm.

Hmm. Mm mm.

Hmm. This is... Cozy.

Holy cow! This is your room?!

Holy I'm out of shape.

Honestly, Gareth, I don't know what she sees in him.

Honestly, I never really thought of it that way before.

Honey, please!

Horrible.

Horse dog! Cat tails! Rat bits!

Horse shoeing or sword sharpening.

How are you?

How can you be a hero if you're not wearing any pants?

How could someone so small tell such a big lie?

How could you not tell me you were engaged?

How dare you!

How dare you?

How do you think this should go down?

How humiliating.

How long till they die?

How many Valencians does it take to win a war?

How many?

How resourceful.

How utterly predictable.

How's about this?

Huh?

Huh?

Huzzah!

I am Galavant, and so help me, God, I will...

I am Mr. Butch!

I am not King Richard.

I am the king, so watch your mouth, boy.

I am trying to do something here!

I assumed you'd lost a bet.

I ate my feelings.

I beg of you, sire, stop it!

I beg to differ.

I believe you know where to stand.

I better go home, or my mom's gonna be mad.

I built a room just for you, my perfect, pretty princess.

I can do compliments.

I can get another kingdom. It's a buyer's market right now.

I can tell you want to bail.

I can't believe it!

I can't even look at any of you anymore.

I can't let a guy like that live.

I can't see anything!

I can't understand a word you say.

I cannot believe this, Gareth.

I could fry up some heirloom toadstools

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't get out of bed.

I demand an audience with the king.

I did a spell...

I did lots of it. Just saying.

I didn't have a choice. He was going to kill my parents.

I didn't play my lute for weeks.

I didn't want to sing the stupid song with you anyway!

I do not babble when I feel bad.

I do not.

I don't care.

I don't follow.

I don't follow.

I don't give a rat's ass about your orders.

I don't have a choice, my lord.

I don't know if I can stomach another display of...

I don't know what's wrong with me, Sid.

I don't know, like, say, tonight.

I don't know.

I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about it ever since he kidnapped me, and...

I don't know. Maybe it is all going over my head.

I don't know. We, uh, used to have balls.

I don't like it when men touch my face.

I don't love you. I don't even like you.