Rough Night (2017) Edit

A chair.

A chair.

A detoxifying mud mask.

A fantasy of mine to get caught on a security camera, so...

A white dude is dead at the hands of a bunch of women.

About not spending time with you. How can I win?

About sexual exclusivity.

About what? The wedding?

About which club we were gonna go to,

Absolutely not.

Activism is a full time job, but...

Actually,

Actually, I noticed that you guys have these cameras outside and it's always been

After that, we didn't want to pay for the service.

Again?

Agreed.

Al Gore is guest lecturing next semester.

Alice, I got to call you back.

Alice, not by doing them!

Alice, please. Please, can we drop it'?

Alice, they say if you had sex after the year 1991, you have HPV.

Alice!

Alice.

Alice.

Alice.

All my best friends do.

All right, baby girl. You go, baby girl.

All right, come on, let's take a picture.

All right, everybody, we have a special request from a Caucasian named

All right, one, two, three.

All right, we're gonna drive to the alligator bog, dump the body.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. I like it.

Alligator bog.

Also no.

Also, I wrote you a card. But don't read it now, read it later.

Also, she's been fixated on her nips.

Am I right?

America. Already?

And a bag of very, very stale pretzels at the office.

And changing your Brita filters or whatever it is you white people do,

And coked up, and I don't know what to do.

And do a bit of mindful meditation.

And do you, Peter, take Jessica to be your wife?

And even though we don't get to see you all the time

And get out of here, she's mine now.

And he dies

And he took off with our score.

And he's not part of an escort company, you know?

And I am going to find them.

And I don't know how you're gonna get to New York. I guess hitchhike, but...

And I don't want to get over her.

And I got this generic Russian Adderall. My little brother ordered it online.

And I have to email the Herald.

And I knew everything was gonna be okay.

And I know why he doesn't like me.

And I know you have issues with dairy.

And I showed my mom the photos of us hanging out,

And I thought your bridal shower was a nightmare.

And I'll never forget

And I'm gonna go masturbate in the shower and go to sleep.

And I'm not gonna open it, okay?

And I'm sorry about Peter, okay?

And I'm sweating like crazy.

And installed a load bearing beam to support it accidentally.

And it kind of sounds like her.

And it's already got 10,000 retweets.

And let's get the party started.

And lucky for you, so lucky,

And not make your life seem so sad!

And now to celebrate her win, we have a special request.

And plus, my gym class is bungee jumping, so...

And self waxing is not weird.

And she drove straight from Houston to Orlando

And she was in love with another astronaut named Will.

And she went to jail for 20 years.

And she's my best friend, and she's good and kind.

And so it's sort of like we're all already best friends, you know?

And so was I.

And so, I want to play it for you now.

And stick them up our bums.

And then he tweeted out another one.

And then she was me.

And then she was outside me.

And then trying to dispose of his body.

And then we'll have the rest of our lives together, so it's fine.

And then we'll put him back before we call the cops. Yeah?

And then you make me feel guilty

And then, finally, she admits it.

And they'll have a strong case for involuntary manslaughter.

And we're listening to some remastered Fleetwood Mac.

And when I come back,

And when I left for college, my mom was worried about me.

And why did you feel the need to reach over and try to undo my seat belt

And yes, I did get a little drunk and ate some of that dry.

And you can find that behind the counter.

And you don't care

And you know what, nobody's talking about how it was

And you know what? I know that I'm a lot.

And you were right, I need to stop living in the past

And your dad used to be John Mayer's accountant.

Any brand is fine.

Any place he might've been able to stash something?

Anyway, I'm veryjet lagged,

Are we on the same page, Blair?

Are we ready to get crazy?

Are you all right?

Are you kidding me?

Are you okay?

Are you serious? That's amazing.

Are you sure, 'cause you landed right on your neck.

At O'Flaherty's 10 years ago!

Aye aye, Captain.

Babe. It's for you.

Bachelorette kit time.

Bachelorette weekend.

Beauty, Jess!

Because I knew that if I invited you,

Because I'm actually Australian and a Kiwi is a New Zealander.

Because you're so busy with Peter and the campaign

Before the neighbors return to eat Blair out again.

Before, I was very tired, and now I'm sort of very awake.

Blair, I would neverjudge you for something like that.

Blair's idea to get a stripper in the first place.

Break, break, break.

Breaking news and some updated information for everybody.

Bride to be bathrobe for our lovely Jess,

Bring all your girls up here. Grab 'em.

Bugger! It's playing an advert for toilet tissue.

Bullshit.

Business? Pleasure?

But Blair went?

But call me Kiwi, okay?

But I forgot about the people that make my life better, and that's you guys.

But I have, like, four things I have to do before.

But I really just don't want to have a party weekend right now.

But I'll be there first thing Monday morning.

But I'll take it.

But I'm gonna miss you so much.

But I'm loud. I'm a screamer.

But if anybody from the group disappears from the protest,

But if she was going to cheat, this is when she would do it.

But it's not that easy to prove.

But Jess and I were freshman year roommates,

But my Wedding's off.

But people want to vote for someone they can relate to.

But remember, this is a stupid frat boy ritual, so...

But she is incredible!

But then we met, and the first night we went out,

But we know that's not what this was about.

But you don't really drink it, you mostly spit.

But you're a six and she's a...

But, it's sort of like calling a Chinese person Japanese.

But, probably closed. Yeah.

By GetOrdainedNow.net,

By the way, does not work...

Bye.

Call me when you're home safe.

Can I do your... Do you mind if I do your thing?

Can I get you a drink?

Can I see?

Can somebody turn the lights on?

Can you be careful with the red wine on the white carpet, please?

Can't wait to see my girls!

Castelucci Pizza.

Check. Just, anyone, a check.

Chilled!

Close, you fuck.

Come on, come on.

Come on, say it.

Congratulations to State Senator Jess Thayer!

Congratulations! Thank you.

Cool, cool, cool.

Cool, so back to our life changing emergency?

Cool!

Cool.

Cool.

Cool. Let's clean up and get the hell out of here.

Crime, underfunded schools, sewage.

Cute.

Damn it!

Damn it!

Damn it! Fuck!

Damn.

Damn.

Did anybody see me fall?

Did he happen to mention the diamonds?

Did not have time to self wax, so it is like a jungle down there.

Did say that it seemed like you wouldn't put out.

Did you bring a bathing suit?

Did you bring a CD or anything?

Did you do whippets again? You sound really weird.

Did you happen to come up with a be genius idea out there?

Did you hear that? What is that?

Did you see that?

Do I look stupid to you?

Do it, do it, do it.

Do me a favor, call me back. Let me know you're okay.

Do you guys remember Michelle?

Do you guys want to come up?

Do you have a job?

Do you have any meth?

Do you not like my dick?

Do you prefer window or aisle?

Do you think the neighbors called them? Maybe they got suspicious.

Do you want to...

Do you, Jessica, take Peter to be your husband?

Does anybody know CPR?

Does anyone have cash for a tip?

Does it bend weird when it gets hard, or, like...

Does your dick bend weird when it gets hard?

Don't get in too much trouble, okay?

Don't give me shit.

Don't judge sex work, Blair!

Don't know, but 60% is, like, a lot.

Don't litter.

Don't make a fucking sound or I will kill you.

Drive safe. Have fun at your bachelor party, okay?

Drop the gun!

Dude, this is, like, the third girlfriend that's cheated on you.

Dude!

Eat me out. It's a fruit, Kiwi.

Eating is the number one way people deal with stress, okay?

Enough with my bachelorette itinerary.

Even I'm like, "Yikes, dude."

Even if we don't get charged with this tampering with evidence thing,

Even though I told you it was culturally insensitive?

Even though she's a full time teacher, I'm still like, "Get a job."

Every fuckin' day.

Everyone else at this college is sloppy and gross.

Everyone in America really does have a gun!

Excuse me, bitch?

Excuse me, now you are flirting with me, okay?

Excuse me, she has a name! It's Alice.

Feel free to gel.

Feels like just yesterday you were showing me

Fflendfipede!

Find a quilt. Find a fucking quilt.

First layer, off.

First was full, I had to ride business. It was disgusting.

For the grandkids. If we get married.

For womankind.

For, like, jerking off later, whatever.

Foreigner here. Just sort of want to be clear on the local law.

Forest floor.

Frankie, Blair, Alice.

Frankie, do you have a tampon?

Frankie, how many strippers did you order?

Freeze!

Fuck her!

Fuck off. Only tampons, the best of tampons!

Fuck, it's his phone.

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuckin' shit chair!

Generously lent us this house for the weekend.

Get it over with. Get it over with!

Get off the phone.

Get your hands against the wall.

Girl, I have had a day.

Girls, girls.

Give her the drinks. Go on. Girls, get up there.

Give me those. Give me those.

GO, Q0,

God damn it.

God, I thought you weighed him down.

God, I'm so tired.

God, it is so warm.

God, we're so sorry.

God, when was the last time we were all together?

God, you smell so good.

Good evening, Officer.

Good evening, Officer.

Good luck, man.

Good.

Gosh, I can't believe you're getting married.

Gross. You sit down.

Guys, I fell asleep.

Guys, if I don't post a ton of pictures from this weekend,

Guys, is he looking, like, straight at me?

Guys?

H“ Y+Ii! ' es! Yes!

Handcuff yourself to the sink.

Hands. Move slow.

Happy Boxing Day.

Has anyone ever told you how beautiful your feet are?

Have you seen this man?

He apologized.

He could be part of a cartel that's gonna cut off our toes

He could have been a scientist that was gonna cure cancer or something.

He did say that

He does not suck. You should totally marry him.

He had a boner in his ad.

He has to sad astronaut.

He is a stripper, but then also an escort.

He is so annoying.

He looks good, right?

He sexually assaulted eight women.

He was a stripper, like, a prostitute.

He was cis male.

He was on the team that defended Bernie Madoff.

He's bleeding out. I can't stop the blood!

He's dead.

He's dead.

He's definitely on something. Like bath salts.

He's gonna follow us around for the rest of our lives.

He's looking at me, right?

He's obviously a **** cop. This is what they do!

He's warm.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello!

Here he comes. He's looking at me.

Here we go.

Here we go. All right. All right, yes!

Here you go.

Here.

Hey

Hey

Hey, Alice, be careful swimming in all that dick.

Hey, Alice.

Hey, Blair.

Hey, I got to take a piss.

Hey, it's Blair. Don't leave a message.

Hey, it's Jess. Leave a message.

Hey, it's Jess. Leave a message.

Hey, Jess. We're not going to jail.

Hey, listen, do you want to suck my dick for 15 bucks?

Hey, thanks a lot, man.

Hey, what's up?

Hey. I am so excited for this trip.

Hi, Alice.

Hi, baby boy.

Hi.

Hi. I just got some coke from the busboy.

Hi. I'm Jessica Thayer, and I'm running for state senate.

Him? He's fine. You're okay, right, bud?

His family could come seek revenge.

Hold the door. Hang on one sec.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Honestly, I don't even know why we go to these stupid parties.

How are you?

How can I be of service to you?

How can you eat right now?

How could you not invite me?

How do you do it?

How do you look this flawless getting off a plane?

How to hide that cat scratch on my face with that cover up.

Hurry up, man!

I actually have a surprise for all of you.

I already have my bags packed, actually, so...

I am about to lose my fucking shit.

I am coming.

I am fully exhausted.

I am sorry that I don't want to talk about

I am taking a passive stance.

I am telling you, she is one of us.

I asked her if she still wanted to get married.

I ate an apple

I bet he's going to fluff his junk!

I bet you are.

I brought 14. Come on!

I call the room next to Jess!

I can get it hard. Let's go, feet.

I can speak to animals, we have a deep understanding,

I can't believe he's dead.

I can't believe you just did that.

I can't do any years. I'm in the middle of a custody battle.

I can't go to jail.

I can't see.

I can't wait to show her all the photos from this weekend.

I can't with any of this anymore.

I could do it.

I could feel her pulling away, but I thought it was work.

I couldn't even make it through the first episode

I definitely do.

I did do a wine tasting earlier this evening, Italian reds mostly,

I did it!

I did. I put rocks in his pockets. I guess his pants fell off.

I didn't force you to do the drugs, Alice.

I didn't lock away our tampons. I locked away our...

I didn't mean to.

I didn't realize I was talking to a wordsmith.

I do not monopolize your time, Jess!

I do.

I don't appreciate your body hair removal shaming.

I don't even want to go. I just...

I don't have a shot! Your leg is in the way!

I don't have time for this.

I don't know. I mean, who knows if it will work out?

I don't understand, Wesson literally tweeted out a dick pic.

I don't use Tom's deodorant...

I don't want a stripper!

I don't want to do anything illegal tonight.

I don't want to wait. Everyone I love is right here.

I feel like we should say something.

I fell asleep.

I got him from Craigslist.

I got my IUD taken out for Miami.

I got some pretty filthy music on my phone.

I guess I never should have planned such a nice weekend for you.

I had this nightmare where we had all killed a guy.

I had to pry my ankle monitor off with a shoehorn to get here!

I had to. You were, you were tagging me

I have a sort of a sense of these things.

I have Australian dollars.

I have been waiting for this moment since the first day of freshman year.

I have changed.

I have my personal favorite, but I don't want to sway anyone, so...

I have some Advil. I'll get it out of my bag.

I have the perfect place.

I have, like, a 25 minute ish interview.

I have, like, clumps and clumps of it.

I have, like, half a pound of weed in my bra.

I haven't really done drugs myself since I sort of...

I heard you.

I just have to print out those itineraries for the city council meeting.

I just try to make the most of it,

I just want to hang out with you guys.

I knew I shouldn't date out of my league, I knew it.

I knew this weekend was a terrible idea.

I know somethings wrong immediately.

I know you want it, you little slut.

I know you're mad at the 1%.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know. I just don't like to do it in front of my cockatiel.

I know. That was nuts. Also, don't shoot anybody.

I like that.

I look like a princess, but I smell like a peasant.

I love this. I love Miami!

I love you so much. Please call me. Bye.

I love you, Alice. Thank you.

I love you, and you're my best friend.

I love you, girls

I love you, Pippa!

I love you, too.

I love you.

I love you.

I mean, buddy, I love you, you're one of my best friends,

I mean, does this thing go any faster'?

I mean, I don't have HPV.

I mean, I had a sex dream about him, and I didn't even tell you.

I mean, I've been so overworked...

I mean, it was an accident.

I mean, my mom did say to lock that down as soon as possible.

I pronounce you husband and wife.

I remember that.

I rest my case.

I said I don't want to talk about it.

I said, "Actually, we have already moved him to a sex swing, Your Honor."

I smoked this bit of shoji root

I still got to give you a speeding ticket.

I still might be, for unrelated things, but you're not, you're safe.

I swear to God, he's getting heavier every time.

I tell you what, I'm gonna let you do all that,

I think he looks like he's on something.

I think he's fine.

I think it was just the stress of killing somebody

I think it was two summers ago

I think it's the body on top.

I think that room has bunk beds,

I think the only person who's forgotten that is you.

I think we're done. Check, please!

I thought that I was making people's lives better,

I thought you knew how to drive those things.

I thought you use David cups.

I took one to school every day growing up, so, I feel pretty confident.

I used to use tampons, but now I use David cups.

I want that.

I want that.

I want to audition some dresses for tonight.

I want to buy some meth.

I want to have a weekend with you.

I was coked up because you bought us drugs.

I was kind of hoping that we could make it an early night.

I was natural.

I was never here! Never! Move!

I was so close. Peter.

I would love a copy of the tape, you know,

I would not flirt with a happily married woman who broke my heart.

I'd be fine with that.

I'll leave you alone from now on.

I'll leave you...

I'll pick you up after school on Monday, okay, sweetie?

I'll take it.

I'm a fucking sweetheart.

I'm a wordsmith 'cause I read the news regularly.

I'm black, in case any of you have forgotten.

I'm collecting everyone's phones until we know what the plan is.

I'm delegating!

I'm drunk! I lost two credit cards already.

I'm famished.

I'm feeling dizzy, I'm...

I'm feeling... I'm feeling weak.

I'm getting us drinks.

I'm getting, like, a light beeswax.

I'm gonna do real time.

I'm gonna go take a protest dump.

I'm gonna go to the beach

I'm gonna have a be genius idea.

I'm gonna want to have sex.

I'm good. I'm really good.

I'm just making sure nothings broken.

I'm just, like, voicing what some people are thinking,

I'm like, "No, I'm just fucking touching myself."

I'm more of a middle seat guy myself, but...

I'm not doing anything.

I'm not even supposed to be out of the state right now.

I'm not even with them!

I'm not sure anyone wants to have a beer with that.

I'm not sure.

I'm okay with that.

I'm on it.

I'm running for office.

I'm so bummed I can't tag you in this, on Facebook.

I'm so excited to see you. It's been so long.

I'm so happy to see you.

I'm so scared.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I got stuck at the office.

I'm so stressed out.

I'm sorry, but you are always at work,

I'm sorry, Jess.

I'm sure somebody else left it here accidentally.

I'm telling you, she's got bigger problems than a wine stain

I'm the king of the world!

I've got you.

I've never done anything like that before in my life.

I've written a song

Ideas?

If I get a third, I could go to jail for 25 to life.

If Jess hooked up with a Spanish speaker, you're gonna want to reason with him.

If she wants to sell this place for 3.4 in this market.

If some guy was skeezing us out and we wanted to be saved.

If someone reports it before we do, we're dead.

If there's no body, there's no case.

If we could do a little bit of cocaine together.

If we got this on tape.

If we win this, we will be the only girls to ever win the Halloween tournament.

If you didn't go to college with us, you're not in the routine.

If you have attempted a purchase at

If you're gonna do another one, do it now,

If you're looking for our cell phones, I locked them in this drawer

In Australia, so I got confused.

In college, we would ask each other for tampons

In his ad. No face.

In my dream, I remembered that there was this guy in Australia

In the taxicab on the way here?

In the whole fucking world.

Information is power, guys. I mean it. I mean it.

Instead of just talking about the old ones.

Is that a good idea?

Is that a sex swing?

It is.

It really is a tragedy, you know?

It started with him brushing my hair...

It was an accident. Right?

It was be gorgeous!

It was so hard to get extra nut.

It was so hard to get into the political science program.

It was, like, work friends. It wasn't a big deal.

It wasn't even open bar.

It will help you focus.

It would be hard to convict

It would mean so much to me,

It would mean...

It'll be restorative.

It's a big fucking accident.

It's a crime.

It's a heteronormative thing that girls do.

It's a photo we always take that's like the movie Human Centipede.

It's a pretty important part!

It's Alice. I forgot to call her back.

It's all over, just like that.

It's bad enough without you two going at it.

It's even bigger in real life than it is on Skype.

It's going everywhere.

It's gonna look suspicious.

It's good to know. Thanks.

It's good to see you, too.

It's good to see you.

It's happening. God, you make me red hot.

It's honestly rude.

It's Jess.

It's just sort of like, little bit racist

It's kind of turning me on, but I really have to pee,

It's Malcolm X.

It's my vibrator, it randomly turns on and off.

It's no joke!

It's not a shock, right'?

It's not cheating if it's with a prostitute. Technically.

It's okay.

It's okay. I'm just gonna take some of this bread from the bread basket.

It's over.

It's Pip! She's here!

It's pizza.

It's pretty classic.

It's really nice to just sort of, you know, see the person

It's super strong, but it is expired, so...

It's the chair's fault.

It's toast, toast time.

It's too soapy, right'?

It's worse for me. I have two strikes.

It's, like, down there.

Janine!

Jay double crossed us,

Jay's dead, and you expect me to believe that you guys don't know anything?

Jess is getting married.

Jess,

Jess, come on, dude.

Jess, come on. Come on.

Jess, do something!

Jess, do you still want to get married?

Jess, guy says that we can drive his Lambo.

Jess, if you are working,

Jess, it's Peter.

Jess, Jess, Jess!

Jess, that was really harsh.

Jess, Wesson tweeted out another dick pic,

Jess, you said you couldn't remember your password.

Jess, you were supposed to catch me.

Jess!

Jess!

Jess!Jess!

Jess?

Jess.

Jess.

Jesus, dude, we can order more.

Jesus, Frankie.

Jesus, it's good.

Just be right back with that.

Just because I don't use Tom's of Maine deodorant, which,

Just calling again. Okay. Oh, man.

Just gonna sit on my suitcase here.

Just hold one second.

Just the one.

Just... Just, yeah.

Keep it moving. We're a thing.

Keep your mouth closed tight.

Key

Knowing you won't report it.

L am gonna warn you HOW.

L killed a guy!

L shot a 9H3'!

Ladies, it's really important that you try to remember any details.

Lady, you want to get your friend a tampon or whatever?

Last year, a guy in Tampa, he threatened to kill his wife,

Lea, does she not remind you

Let me get your attention.

Let me put something on.

Let me suck your dick real fast.

Let's do the dump.

Let's get Jess a stripper!

Let's get rid of the drugs, and then we'll call the police.

Let's get some diapers.

Let's get to the beans, let's get to the beans.

Let's get you on Tinder right now, so you can start on a rebound.

Let's give him room, let's make a stage, yes.

Let's go, footjob girl!

Let's go! Come on. You, too. Move it.

Let's just get married. Let's get married this weekend.

Let's just smile a little bit about it. Right? Smile more.

Let's stop talking about periods now.

Licorice.

Lift him up with your legs. Lift with your legs.

Like I told Rob Lowe,

Like Matt Dillon in Crash.

Like that time we took Xanax and slept for 16 hours.

Like we killed someone.

Like, "Back off."

Like, do you know how much my house is worth?

Like, Now That's What I Call Music! or anything?

Like, she's planned it to the half hour.

Like, with those weird little, like, paper strips?

Lisa found out and was pissed.

Lisa Marie Nowak was an astronaut.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at them, the magic is still there.

Look at this ring.

Look, guys, we have to have realistic attitudes

Look, if Wesson wins, he's literally gonna cut every single program

Look, we need a burner phone, okay?

Look, you guys, I don't understand. Why all the hate?

Looked like he could, like, wash his car as a hobby activity.

Looking forward to your vote on November 3.

Love wins.

Love, Alice.

Make her feel special.

Make sure your windows and your doors are locked.

Malcolm and I separated six months ago.

Male. I'm thinking male for her.

Man, it smells like barf over here.

Mansploitation, bitch! Yes!

May I?

Maybe if you hadn't been lethally horny, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Maybe life.

Maybe somebody else should go.

Maybe you don't want to go to Australia. I don't know.

Maybe you're the asshole, Alice.

Me, too. What's the tape?

Me?

Men need to wear belts.

Mesdemoiselles?

Michelle, she was obsessed with Nickelback.

Might want to stand back. No, physically, get back!

Mommy, do you have to go to Miami?

Mummy Hubbard's here.

Must.

My biggest and only donor

My body is limp for you!

My career.

My dad's getting us the chopper.

My God, you guys are meeting for the first time, this is so exciting.

My number one boss bitch!

N, M, L, K, J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.

New plan. You're gonna watch each other die,

New Year's Eve, when Blair was in labor.

Next time we see each other, we can make new memories

NO joke!

No one's ever said that to me before.

No, hey, hey. hey!

No, I meant none of us can go to jail.

No, I think I would have remembered that. He didn't say much of anything.

No, I was gonna wrap that up and take it to go.

No, I'm good. Thanks.

No, man. Please. I'm not a cop.

No, no, I just peed.

No, no, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, 'cause Jess couldn't make it, it was...

No, no, no, don't call the police. We're all high.

No, no, no, don't make it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Don't come up. Don't come up.

No, no, no. This is...

No, no, no. You're being too loud.

No, no. 12:30.

No, no. It's our code.

No, not gonna happen, baby girl, all right?

No, not that. That!

No, please.

No, she didn't.

No, thank you so much. I just need gas money.

No, thank you.

No, there's one cup. You're just seeing double.