A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum Edit

A child.

A comedy tonight

A comedy tonight

A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?

A common flesh pedlar in the house next to ours. Disgusting!

A dud virgin? How could that happen?

A face so fair, a heart so pure.

A farewell kiss.

A fine big boy...

A foot soldier of Captain Miles Gloriosus.

A giant stage upon which a thousand dramas may be played.

A girl! A girl. A boy and a girl.

A loyal and unswerving girl

A maiden.

A moment.

A new god, but a very hard worker.

A passage to Thessaly for two at the first tide.

A pyre of fire.

A role of enormous variety and nuance,

A Syrian shepherd? He's collecting you within the hour.

A thousand thanks... whichever one of you did this.

A tragedy tonight

A wife, especially a silent one...

Aahh!

Above all, do not let his eyes stray to that house next door. I hold you responsible.

Abroad for...

Abroad now in search of his children, stolen in infancy by pirates.

Absolutely lovely

Absolutely lovely

Absolutely lovely

Acrobats for the orgy.

After I've bathed and changed this dusty robe, I want you to ask the captain to...

Agh! Back, leper. Bring not your contagion into the house of Lycus.

Ah, ah

Ah, here you are. And there I am. A gift for my mother on the anniversary of her birth.

Ah, thank you, lad. It is thirsty work.

Ah, the poor creature. Just jab him back into his den of ill health.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Now then, my beauty, redeem your promise.

All Crete was at her feet

All I am is lovely

All right, don't stand. Move. Move! Hup.

All right, now. I want everybody... Listen, will you?!

All right.

All Sparta loved her sweetness

All Thrace was in her thrall

Also in this house dwells Pseudolus, slave to his son.

An honest virgin. What a terrible combination.

An unexpected legacy.

And "Oh, woe" again.

And a body that stands behind each promise.

And a strange little boy.

And bids you honour this.

And even if you grumble

And go betweens.

And graceful as a grouse

And he has brought in the legions to help. Who are all these people?

And I am not your daughter. I'm an Etruscan dancer.

And I can't stand the thought of spoiling your pleasure.

And I'm happy

And may I say, you will never live to regret this.

And now a moment of silence before our daughter starts her final voyage.

And on, and on, and on, and on, and on.

And played by an actor of such versatility, such magnificent range, such...

And quieter than a mouse

And so I was thinking...

And tell the captain I shall be awaiting him in the green room, after my bath.

And that goes for me, too.

And the mistress doesn't know about her son?

And there's a happy ending of course

And worth the waiting for.

And you, Lycus, are a gentleman and a procurer.

And, finally, the house of Senex, who lives here with his wife and son.

Arrange food, drink, entertainment and a sit down orgy for 14.

As a general's daughter, I hoped you would not object.

As magnificent as that?

As you know, at this time all Gaul was divided into eight parts.

At his age? The mind boggles. I go tell his parents.

At least.

At least. Shall I send the girl to you, say, in one hour?

Back to the peeling.

Back, back, back.

Baritones and basses

Be as graceful as a grouse

Be brave, Hero.

Be patient, my dear. I shall not keep you panting long.

Be the first, start a fashion.

Because I've already had the plague. I would tell you all about it, but...

Before your friend Erronius went abroad in search of his children stolen by pirates,

Behave yourself. She was sold?

Believe me, mistress, I was not parading. I was walking humbly like a slave.

Blow the horn

Bring another victim to the altar.

Bring me my bride

Bring me that girl or you'll all perish!

Bring on the acrobats!

Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns

Build the pyre

But all surrounding houses and every single person in them!

But at least I have the comforts of my lonely home.

But I thought he was dead. I must go to him. I love him.

But I was looking for you.

But I'm happy

But Pseudolus said you refused to. Come.

But suppose someone with tremendous cunning could arrange for her to be yours.

But we have developed our modern system of astronomy from the Greeks."

But what do you own? 20 minae, a collection of seashells... and me.

But who will take care of my place? The shepherd comes to buy the silent woman.

But you have been a little distant these past 29 years.

But you, my dear, have nothing to fear.

But you'll never learn. You'll be a eunuch all your life.

But yours isn't here. It's not nice to walk out without buying...

But, Lycus... Goodbye, Lycus. Farewell, Lycus.

But, my love, I don't know how I shall survive the long lonely night without you.

But, sir, your son may be in that very house.

But, sir. Only my deepest devotion to you allows me to speak so frankly.

Calm yourself! Calm! I'll tell you when it's time to panic!

Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?

Capital! I'll go fetch her. Why should you risk...?

Captain Gloriosus, I am shattered that I was not here to greet you personally.

Captain, I can explain.

Captain, I have news. The...

Captain, I implore you. It is not for us to destroy such loveliness.

Captain, please. I... Captain, the virgin is... Captain, a word.

Captain! Captain.

Captain? I've had no instructions.

Careful. I'm a bleeder.

Chant the chants

Chapter six.

Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone else. Almost everyone.

Cluttering up the bedroom, buttering up the master

Come along now, gents. They're all fresh in today. Don't waste my time.

Come along. They're all from Gaul and they're all from Egypt.

Come back here. Just lie still. Lie still.

Come back!

Come here, eunuch!

Come on, come on.

Come on, now.

Come on, you miserable slave, move!

Come on, you rotten slave, move. Pick those chains up. Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come tenderly to crush her against my side

Come, Gymnasia. Hie you to the temple for Philia.

Come!

Comedy tonight

Comedy tonight

Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy

Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy

Completely. Do go on.

Congratulations. But today it's officers only.

Consider the Gemini: a matched pair.

Consistently congenial

Convey the news I have no time to lose

Courtesans and eunuchs

Courtesans, back to your quarters. I'll be back for noonday prayers.

Crete is being ravaged by a plague. People are dying by the thousands.

Crete? Do not touch me. Do not breathe on me. The plague. The plague!

Darling! Hit me again, darling.

Dead, dead.

Dead, permanently dead.

Degrader of the Greek

Destroyer of the Turk

Did not my aide inform you that should anything be amiss,

Did you say "It's about the girls?"

Died? She was a bab... How...?

Disgraceful. All that revolting flesh, just next door.

Do not fan the girls when they're wet!

Do not try to cheer me. I am inconsolable.

Do you have time? Isn't there a war you should be starting?

Do you mind?

Do you realise what it says there?

Do you want your freedom?

Don't misunderstand... it's the proportions. I love the breadth, it's the length.

Don't you have anyone in there a bit less noisy?

Duck!

Each wear a ring that has engraved upon it a gaggle of geese.

Eunuch? How dare you call me that!

Eunuchs, quickly. A buyer!

Everybody ought to have a lurking girl

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a menial

Everybody ought to have a serving girl

Everybody ought to have a working girl

Everyone is. Where is my bride?

Excuse me, madam. A cool youth and a hot mare, have you by any chance...?

Excuse me. Have you seen a handsome youth running after a sweating horse?

Excuse me. Not at all.

Excuse me. We'll give her a little knock on the head and...

Eyes to gouge and booty to divide

Father and mother get one another

Father and Mother, I wish to marry.

Fiddling with a thimble, mending a gown?

Fifty more lashes for lying.

Find me the captain. Don't stand there.

First time around.

First, the house of Erronius, a befuddled old man,

Fluttering up the stairways, shuttering up the windows

Fold the arms.

Follow me!

Foot!

For it's one thing I can give to you

For the very last time, here is your bride.

For there's one thing loveliness can do

For us, there will never be happiness.

For your own good, Hysterium, look after Hero.

For, though you fled from me, I have the greatness to forgive.

Forget about the minae and the seashells. Just give me me.

Forgive me for ever mistrusting you, my darling.

Forgive me, Hero. I've no memory for names.

Forward mourn

Four.

Frankly, I was hoping to live past my wedding night. She seems a bit too...

Free

Free, free, free, free

Free.

Freedom? Oh, madam, who would want to be free of you?

Frighteningly lovely

Funerals and chases

Furthermore, he's on his way to my house and he thinks I'm just a tradesman.

Gather firewood. She shall be cremated.

Gather round, handmaidens of sorrow

Gently. However, my intentions were of the noblest.

Get away!

Give it!

Giving out

Go back to Hero's room and wait there.

Go, go! Get a move on. No, don't touch that pillar. Go, go.

Go, go.

Go!

Gone to see a nose grinder indeed. He's cavorting with those courtesans.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Good luck, Lycus. He is Lycus.

Good luck.

Goodness and badness

Great heavens. Is that me?

Ha! For the last time, where is my bride?

Hail, Marcus Lycus. I was looking for you.

Hanging by the feet while being lashed. They hate that.

Has produced 18 healthy little slaves, and is capable of producing 18 more.

Has secreted in his cubicle Rome's most extensive collection of erotic pottery.

Have him. Congratulations, your life has been spared.

Have you ever seen a jester like this? The remarks he makes!

He asked you to look into his house.

He can't have her! Just keep him in that house.

He didn't. Did he?

He has, but he's not ready yet. Just wait in there. Wait. Wait, wait!

He insisted on meeting her, but she was sold to a captain who claims her today.

He invited us to game with him. He cheated us out of nine minae.

He is, uh... he is... At least, when I last saw him he was.

He must learn sometime.

He owes me a favour. But he died yesterday.

He ****d Thrace?

He requested a rest in your charming residence.

He was crushed to death on the last day of the mating season.

He will knock on the door three times. Go on upstairs and wait.

He's also promised me 10,000 minae as a dowry.

He's bored with picture books. You understand?

Hearing that you were visiting your dear mother,

Helen and her thousand ships will have to die of shame

Helen and her thousand ships would have to die of shame

Help. Help!

Her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement.

Here is the moral, wrong or right

Here on this appalling pall, dead.

Here, here.

Here?

Here. Here is your virgin.

Here. Hey.

Hero, Hero.

Hero, wait! The captain. I promised!

Hero! Master Hero! Wait here.

Hero. My Hero.

Hey!

Hey! We're closed to members of the public.

Hmm.

Ho, there. I am seeking the house of Marcus Lycus.

Hold me close. It makes me feel so strong.

Home at last. After years of searching for my long lost children,

House of...? Pseudolus, tell them who I am. I am no leper. I am Lycus!

How are you? All right? Had a good day?

How dare you! Arranging an assignation between a boy and a you know what!

How good it is to see this street once more.

However, he has not only given me a marvellous wedding present...

However, it is our inaugural week, and you know what that is.

Huh?

Hup! Hie!

Hyargh!

Hyargh!

Hysterium, here are my husband's final instructions. Watch over our son Hero.

Hysterium, this is Philia.

Hysterium?

I am a parade

I am my ideal

I am no leper, and no woman.

I can neither sew nor cook

I can't take my eyes off you.

I cannot go.

I cannot read. Find the sleeping potions, quickly. The ingredients, quickly.

I certainly do not. Move on.

I certainly have been.

I cost 500 minae. Is that a lot of money?

I couldn't. You do understand?

I didn't hear that either.

I don't care. I will give anything for her. Anything.

I don't know about you, but I've suffered enough.

I don't suppose, Pseudolus, I could impose upon you...

I don't understand it. The ring, the gaggle of geese.

I don't want to hear it.

I get a family.

I get a rest.

I get the thing I want to be

I get the twins

I have but one talent.

I have this day returned from Crete and there is no plague.

I have.

I heard you were abroad in search of pulchritude.

I hope the captain doesn't expect me to do adding.

I hope the captain is kind to her. She deserves a bit of affection before...

I imagine, I mean.

I insist on conducting a funeral. Summon mourners.

I just remembered something frightening.

I know that name. I don't think I like it.

I know that sound. And I love it.

I know what it says there.

I know your type: shoppers.

I lifted Hysterium's book of potions. We'll mix a sleeping potion in a beaker of wine.

I like the way you said that.

I live to grovel. I shall lash him to pulp. I shall wear out eight whips.

I may never see her again. Listen.

I mean...

I meant yes. It just came out no.

I must greet this captain at once.

I only say that so as not to make the gods jealous. She is ugly. Ugly!

I pray she lasts. I had a bad experience with an officer to whom I had sold a virgin.

I returned this morn. With as choice a cargo as you've seen.

I say in all modesty, I have an assortment of beauty second to none, and... Who?

I shall be back in a nonce. At most, two nonces.

I shall compose a funeral dirge.

I shall go and offer myself to the gods.

I shall instruct the new maid in housework. Starting in my room.

I shall knock on the door three times.

I shall send slaves with a fresh robe.

I shall throw myself to the lions.

I smell like an overheated horse. I must bathe.

I suppose I could hasten back to the stonecutter and join you tomorrow mor...

I thought you knew... when they smile, the end is near.

I want my...

I want to know if my husband is in the house.

I wanted to purchase a remembrance... some bath essence, a new spear.

I was only just standing here and saying "Shame, shame."

I will give you everything I own.

I will go my melancholy way.

I wish to throw myself to the lions. Where do I go?

I would like to know what it is you do that makes you so tired. I noticed you're...

I would show them to you, but they're sold.

I would.

I, in war the most admired

I, Miles Gloriosus

I, Miles Gloriosus

I, oppressor of the meek

I, paragon of virtues

I, sire, am Marcus Lycus. Hold.

I, slaughterer of thousands

I, too, can forgive. No one can part us now.

I, uh... Your hus... He is... he is...

I'll find your maiden.

I'll get some new girls

I'll hie myself to the harbour to hire a boat. Hoe you to the garden.

I'll save Hero and meet you there!

I'll wager you never got my nose sharpened.

I'm a disgrace to my family. My father will turn in his grave.

I'm a family slave. What's the good of that if you're executed by strangers?

I'm a man of limited means, and I don't suppose you'd want to break up a set.

I'm about to say the sooth.

I'm awfully sorry. Thank you.

I'm lovely

I'm lovely

I'm not going with him.

I'm not happy in my work, Captain.

I'm so lovely

I'm sorry, I can't stop now. I...

I'm told he's a most kind, gentle and considerate man.

I'm told it is lovely now in Crete... everyone lying there, smiling.

I'm worried about Hero. Perhaps I should go back and keep a fatherly eye...

I've forgotten it.

I've just been to the harbour. We must hurry.

I've watched you undressing at night. Only from the waist up. It's a high window.

If I could but take Lycus's place for one hour. But how?

If I live that long.

If I've told you once I've told you a hundred times,

If my bride is not delivered by then, this house will be an empty patch of ground.

If she's not alive, fob him off with another girl.

If that someone could arrange it, what would you give me?

If the maiden is not found, I shall destroy not only this house,

If you are the new gardeners, don't lean on those things, get to work.

If you must squabble, do it in a place of less character.

If you see a lad with mare sweat, send him up to the green bedroom.

In a few...

In a few... Listen carefully!

In a less fashionable suburb of Rome, in these three houses.

In dress the best displayed

In due time you will be taken, but not in the garden.

In love the most desired

In love? You? Who is she?

In one hour the captain arrives. How can I save my head?

In there? You must never know what goes on in that house.

In wit the most inspired

Inform Lycus we would see him at once.

Is it... is it contagious?

Is this not Pseudolus, your slave? He was parading as a citizen.

Isn't it a shame?

It is a sad tale I have to tell the captain. Bad news... Argh!

It is only because I happen to be completely impervious to physical pain,

It is time we were gone. Senex?

It may be of interest that their pillar of virtue, their slave in chief,

It'll never work. Look at me. Just look at me.

It's a gift for me to share

It's about the girls...

It's against Roman law to take one's own life. The penalty's death.

It's Hero.

It's not his potion.

It's time we two trusted each other.

Jump!

Jump. Jump!

Jump. Jump!

Just a moment.

Just about the age of my children when they were stolen in infancy by pirates.

Just kick him if he offends you.

Just lie down. It'll be all over in one moment.

Just lie still and think dead thoughts.

Keep him cheerful, well fed and far from the opposite sex.

Knock three times and she's yours.

Knock three times and she's yours.

Laden with the spoils of conquest, I then set forth for Egypt,

Leaning down

Let haste be made, I cannot be delayed

Let me by, and... I'll redeem this in ways that will melt every bolt in your armour.

Let me put it this way... I play the part.

Like the house was haunted.

Listen. Do you know what happened to the last underling

Literally lovely

Little knowing that here waited for me that black fringed temptress

Look at that foot, look at that heel

Look at the size of those thighs, like a mighty machine

Look at them... either one a divinely assembled woman,

Look at those arms, look at that chest... look at them!

Look at those eyes, cunning and keen

Look out!

Look, there they are.

Louder music. The captain wants louder music.

Lovely is the one thing I can do

Lovers divided get coincided

Lycus, I am in the market for a lifetime companion.

Lycus, it would be a privilege.

Lycus, you're making me cry.

Mad... Oh...

Madam, the hospitality of your house is being enjoyed by Miles Gloriosus.

Madam!

Maids like me. I'm neat. I like maids. They're neat.

Make haste, make haste, I have no time to waste

Man in his madness

Marcus Lycus. I am dazzled by your presence.

Mare sweat?!

Mare sweat. Where will we find mare sweat on a day like this?

Mark the magnificent muscles of steel

Master Hero has been here.

Master Hero, bid farewell to this person so that she can go about her... business.

Master Hero, put that down.

Master Hero, wait!

Master Hero, wait! My freedom! You promised!

Master Hero, wait! Your parents. I promised!

Master Hero, you cannot buy her... at your age you're not allowed to buy her...

Master, she will go with you, I promise.

Master, the passion potion. You must drink it while it's hot.

Master!

May it be long, healthy and productive.

Meanwhile, for your further entertainment...

Merely being lovely

Mind your breathing... just inhale. Go, go.

Mm!

Morals tomorrow

Morning.

Most kind of you, madam.

Mourners. Mourners? Back.

Move, you slaves. Move.

Move!

Move. Do you mind? Out! Please, quickly, out. Both of you, go.

Must hurry back to work

My beautiful.

My bride, my bride, come, bring to me my bride

My bride, my bride, I've come to claim my bride

My bride, my bride, inform my lucky bride

My captain dispatches me to inform you that he's half a league away,

My dear and noble neighbours, my apologies.

My father, you know, Captain, was General Magnus.

My final offering: Gymnasia, the silent woman.

My former young master. Thought I'd further his education.

My gods!

My lust for her no longer can be denied

My mistress's bedroom, the green one. Go, go. Up, up, up. Go, go, go. Master...

My passion potion.

My sweet.

My uncle Simo, the Carthaginian elephant breeder, came to an untimely end.

Never mind who she is, who is she? Where did you find her?

Never mind. Let's see if we can put this one straight into Nero's box.

No arguing. Go away. Come, come.

No entry? I live, eat and sleep here every day of my life.

No matter. I understand.

No mortal sounds must interfere.

No need to compromise.

No obligation to buy, just come in and browse.

No performance here today. Gladiators are just training.

No plague? No one lying around, smiling themselves to death?

No royal curse, no Trojan Horse

No, but he should be here soon. Madam, might I suggest you take your bath now?

No, I will not use force against her.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no!

No, no! Don't whoa!

No, no.

No, no. How did it happen?

No, no. Inform the captain the maid will be ready and very willing and very healthy.

No, no. Relax, relax.

No, no. You see, think of it as an extension of your arm.

No, that's enough. One more scrub and you'll wash away my enthusiasm.

No, two childs.

No! It...

No? Try Fertilla the Populator. 300 pounds of fertile flesh.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. I cannot leave without giving her the comfort of a proper funeral service.

No. I'll go fetch her. Don't go away.

No. That's a nasty, messy one.

No. The trip would tire me. I should be exhausted.

No. Wrist jerk again.

No. You wait till I tell them about you.

Nor read nor write my name

Not down there!

Not entirely. Hysterium here was a great help.

Not so! He is Lycus.

Not to mention the rest... even I am impressed!

Not you.

Nothing for crowns

Nothing for crowns

Nothing for kings

Nothing for kings

Nothing of gods, nothing of fate

Nothing portentous or polite

Now I go get the pallbearers. Wait here.

Now Venus will seem tame

Now Venus would seem tame

Now, don't worry, don't worry. Just...

Now, for your approval and possible purchase, from out of the East,

Now, what can we devise? Something suitable and lingering.

Now, what did you say?

Now...

O monstrous fate! My sweet innocent bride... dead.

Obedient and pliable and quieter than a mouse

Object? Pseudolus, you have acted well.

Of course I know what this is. This is... writing.

Of course.

Oh

Oh, a fire pyre.

Oh, dear, come along. Keep moving.

Oh, dear.

Oh, do. A nice short one.

Oh, everybody ought to have...

Oh, get off, get off, get off!

Oh, Hero, help!

Oh, Hysterium, thoughtful as ever. My mouth is dry after that dusty drive.

Oh, look! Do you see what she said?

Oh, much better, yes. You've got a natural swing, you know.

Oh, no. No! That girl I still own.

Oh, now you're making me cry.

Oh, oh, think of her at the dustbin

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful, cleaning up?

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful, living in?

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful, sweeping out?

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be so nimble

Oh, oh...

Oh, one more thing.

Oh, Pseudolus, I'll have my revenge. I'll get in to see the captain yet.

Oh, Pseudolus.

Oh, that one. A recent arrival from Crete. A virgin.

Oh, Vibrata, really! Go. Come, come.

Oh, what a lovely baby.

Oh, woe.

Oh, woe. Oh, woe.

Oh, yes, sire. We still have some left from your wedding night.

Oh, you breed of Eve!

Oh!

Oh! Miles!

Oh! You bitch!

Oh.

Oh. Somebody's dead, eh?

Old situations, new complications

On behalf of the body, I'd like to thank you for a lovely funeral.

On the last anniversary of his death, I entertained over 200 officers.

One glimpse of your grandeur from above, the shock was too much.

One hour before the Syrian shepherd arrives. How can I save Gymnasia?

One moment. Did I not just spy a golden head with sky blue eyes on yon balcony?

One moment. I must have a word with my eunuch.

One moment. I take it your daughter was freeborn?

One of us isn't ready. Why didn't you give him the girl?

One other thing. You see, my father...

One, two, three.

One. Two. Three. Four. I'm being cheated out of the money I won fairly.

Or my name is not Pseudolus Marcus Lycus.

Our principal characters live... on this street,

Over there. Get in line. In line.

Panacea, whose face holds a thousand promises,

Panderers...

Pantaloons and tunics

Pardon me, madam.

Pardon me, young woman. I'm sorry, but I...

Perfect

Perfect

Perhaps you should stay with relatives, distant relatives.

Personally, I'm not quite ready to make up yet. What?

Philia, say my name.

Philia! Phil... Philia!

Philia's alive. She's at the temple of virgins. Go, go now. Save her. Go. Go.

Philia's sacrificing herself and Hero's throwing himself to the lions.

Please don't touch the merchandise. It shows every mark.

Pluck the lute

Poor child, a virgin till the end. A lot of good it did you.

Poor fellow. But what if, when he arrives, we have moved the girls elsewhere?

Poor little moth. She fluttered too near my flame.

Pottering all around the house

Pottering all around the house

Productive as a breeder?

Pseudolus is my favourite character in the piece...

Pseudolus, how kind you are. I shall not forget this.

Pseudolus, I'm to be with her!

Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day.

Pseudolus!

Pseudolus...

Psst!

Psst!

Psst! Lycus!

Psst! Philia!

Psst! Psst!

Puttering all around the house

Pyre? What kind of pyre?

Quick! You to the north, I to the south.

Quickly, on your feet. The change will do you good. Quick, quick. Out.

Quickly, quickly. We must find another room for you.

Radiant as in some dream come true

Radiant as in some dream come true

Radiant as in some dream come true

Radiant as in some dream come true

Really, she's beautiful.

Remember that potion which so fills one with energy one can perform miracles?

Return to Rome immediately, before he can do what no doubt he's already done.

Right! Now back to Rome for a quick wedding and some slow executions.

Right. Hey, hey!

Run along, child.

Run for your lives!

Searching for...

Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and seller of the flesh of beautiful women.

See that the master stays in the bath the next hour, and I'll get the girl out of here.

Seize everyone! Put the whole neighbourhood to the sword!

Seize him.

Senex!

Senex! Come away from that house of shame.

Seven?! Before I say the sooth again,

She may be the right length, but is she right for me? You see what I mean?

She refuses to go with him. But Master Hero's out getting her a potion.

She will be ready soon. Some food?

She'll be claimed within the hour by our illustrious captain, Miles Gloriosus.

She's gone. Good.

She's very low. Remember the smile? It's now nearly a grin.

Shh!

Should anything be amiss with your maiden, he'll seize your entire stock.

Show me the swine who did that and I'll break every bone in his body.

Silence, woman. I know that. She died of other causes.

Since moving in next door I've been remiss in not calling to pay my respects.

Since... I don't know when I've had this since.

Sir, a question. If I found your maiden, would you spare my...

Sir, I bring wonderful news. The virgin does not have the plague.

Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she.

Sir, might I ask...?

Sir, sir! You forgot your gaggle!

Sir, what I'm about to tell you is eerie. Your house is haunted.

Sir, you're in need of a soothsayer.

Sir!

Sir... May I suggest, sir, just one more scrub?

Sire, if you look within you will find none but hooded men.

Slave in chief, drag this man home and beat him without mercy.

Sleeping in

Smartly done.

So I suggest you depart, and I shall take the body and...

So keep the master in his bath until...

Someday I shall repay you, for you, Pseudolus, are a true friend.

Someone has tampered with this.

Someone who when fetching you your slipper

Someone who you hire when you're short of help

Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee

Someone who's efficient and reliable

Something aesthetic, something frenetic

Something appealing, something appalling

Something convulsive, something repulsive

Something erratic, something dramatic

Something familiar, something peculiar

Something familiar, something peculiar

Something for everybody's taste

Something for everyone

Something for everyone

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something for everyone.

Something for lovers, liars and clowns

Something that's gaudy, something that's bawdy

Sometimes you can see her in that window.

Son, if you're as happy as your mother and I have been... my heart bleeds for you.

Sorry, wrong maid.

Sound the flute

Speak the spells

Spread the oil

Stand aside, everyone. I take large steps.

Still jerking the wrist.

Strew the soil

Strong men will blanch. My arm will...

Strum the lyre

Subduer of the weak

Such generosity should not go unrewarded.

Surround the house. While I am within, let no one else enter.

Sweet and warm and winsome

Sweet and warm and winsome

Sweet and warm and winsome

Take me, my body is yours. Is this not what you want?

Take me. Take me.