Bad Grandpa Edit

A beautiful young lady like yourself,

A callipygian princess who drew people to her like a magnet.

A day?

A day.

A day...

A hoagie sandwich.

A little help!

A new fishing rod?

A rusty trombone for your grandpa, huh?

After that, I never ate fish sticks again.

After that, I'm pretty much free.

Ah, Jesus...

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah.

Ah. What's your name?

All I did was push the little button!

All right, 2:00 on Sunday.

All right, be careful with her.

All right, Chuck.

All right, Chuck. This is Shirley.

All right, come on.

All right, come on. We got to go see your grandpa.

All right, here we go.

All right, now, all right!

All right, sweetie.

All right!

All right!

All right! How you doing?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Come on.

All right. You want some of this?

All rolled into one.

All this bacon is getting to Grandpa.

All you got to do is try.

Allakazoo, allakastid...

Am not, am not!

Amen.

And a big side of poontang.

And a rusty trombone for my grandpa.

And all the cool things you showed me.

And because this is such a special night,

And caterers, and all the nice people sitting before me.

And for those of you who don't know what callipygian means,

And go play strip bingo outside?

And he's talking about having a great time

And how many of them did you win?

And I can't be saddled with that cockblock!

And I don't need you cockblocking.

And I don't want to drive him.

And I got someone meeting us

And I like standing here.

And I'll give it right back to you.

And I'm going to be talking to ladies in there.

And I'm gonna get word to your mom

And I'm gonna tell her all the fun we had,

And I'm gonna try to swoop in

And I'm in a much better place.

And I'm just here to help the two of you

And if you went, "Ow!"

And if you're going to do it and do it right...

And just help the two of you talk together.

And let her rip.

And Lord, please look after these men because

And now they're gonna send me to jail.

And playing with her sock monkey!

And pooped on the wall.

And she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass.

And sometimes he sits in it like a baby.

And thank you for not beating me up.

And that's what happens, you know?

And the audacity to try to steal from me.

And the damn funeral home had a little misunderstanding.

And the state's paying him $600 a month for free.

And then hopefully old Irving can swoop in there.

And then if it didn't work out...

And then it was only out of spite.

And then move to Japan?

And then they can't run after you.

And then they give me this public defender

And then we sell all tuna and we'll be billionaires.

And they're also accomplices to probably what was

And this is contestant number 10.

And unfortunately I have to hand him back now.

And watch this.

And we are shooting a movie.

And when you did bring him around, he pissed every bed in the house.

And you don't pay.

And you keep yapping. Jesus.

And you're too young to ride the bus,

And, uh, I'll be back in just a moment, okay?

And, uh, we got blankets to keep her warm.

And, um, she passed away.

And, um... My wife just passed away a couple days ago

Any kind of breast.

Anything to get out of this car.

Anyway, I need to, uh...

Apparently, your grandpa's one of them.

Are we going to get in trouble for this?

Are you all right?

Are you an alcoholic?

Are you fucking kidding me, bro?

Are you fucking kidding me, man?

Are you happily married?

Are you kidding me?

Are you Mr. Zisman?

Are you okay, Grandpa?

Are you okay, Grandpa?

Are you one of them dancers?

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Are you sure you want him to go to him?

Are you sure you want to do this?

Are you sure?

Ask me what the secret of comedy is.

At the Carolina Cutie Pies Young Miss Pageant.

Aw... ♪ My Bonnie lies over the ocean

B 2.

Baby.

Be gentle with her.

Beat that.

Because I like to catch these women when they're soggy.

Been in this car all damn day!

Before a dark day when

Before what?

Believe me, you're gonna fix it.

Bet we could've stirred up some trouble here.

Big finish.

Big head, tall, um, and he smells like old farts.

Billy, just stay there for a second.

Billy! Billy!

Billy.

Billy.

Billy.

Bingo!

Bingo!

Born and raised. You're awful pretty. My goodness!

Bring him here to Raleigh, I could take the kid.

Bury her down south a ways. If you could help me to my car

But a hangover? Sleep. He got to sleep it off.

But he says you're very beautiful.

But he says you're very beautiful.

But I can still chop the suey, that's for sure.

But I can still lick the ladle, that's for sure.

But I can still lick the spoon,

But I could probably get it going.

But I didn't say how.

But I don't really like my dad.

But I have my penis stuck to the soda machine.

But I mean, if you're a dancer...

But I want to stay with you.

But I'm gonna ask you right now

But I'm hungry!

But I'm in some serious shit, okay?

But I'm sure your father will, uh, do the right thing.

But I'm trying to teach my grandson about knife fights.

But my favorite spot is here.

But no one's going to come out...

But now, we want to get into our beauty gown competition.

But point it that way out of respect for your grandmother.

But she did really good.

But she wanted me to get him to his father.

But we surely appreciate it. And our lips are sealed.

But your grandma,

By fun, I mean banging the gong.

By watching him do a magic trick, would you?

Bye, A S S O L E.

Bye, baby! Have fun, okay?

Bye, Billy!

Bye, Cinnamon. I got to go.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, Ellie.

Bye, Grandma.

Bye, old man.

Bye.

Bye.

Can everybody back up on this side a little bit?

Can he have his chocolate milk back, please, ma'am?

Can I ask you some questions for our camera?

Can I cheat off you?

Can I get a Colt 45, please?

Can I get a hug? Dad?

Can I get out?

Can I have a word with you?

Can I help you?

Can I turn on the AC?

Can I turn on the radio?

Can I use your pen?

Can someone check that bingo for me, please?

Can we get it weighed? Because I gotta...

Can we get something to eat?

Can you help me explain that? 'Cause that's what's sitting there is a little cockblock.

Can you help me instead of announcing?

Can you help?

Can you let go of the thing there?

Can't you see I was talking to a lady?

Caught me right in the puss!

Check out the nine iron on this one.

Check out the rear bumpers on that one.

Chicken breast.

Chickens.

Child support. Child support'll kill you.

Come back here!

Come here, Billy.

Come here.

Come here. Come here, buddy.

Come on, Billy.

Come on, Billy. Let's go.

Come on, come on!

Come on, man! Are you serious?

Come on, you're a lefty.

Come on!

Come on! Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Let's go this way.

Coming!

Complete strangers, but we've outlived all our friends.

Contestant number one, please come to the stage.

Cut the man a break.

D O U C H E is how you spell it.

Dad, can we get some food?

Damn it. Ah...

Damn shame I got to drop you at your dad's tomorrow.

Damn thing's broke.

Dan.

Dear God.

Definitely not.

Did he love Grandma?

Did you get that shirt at Tramps R Us?

Did you get that shirt at Tramps R Us?

Did you hear that, Leroy? We're free!

Did you notice how I wasn't fixing it?

Did you put money in there? God.

Did you really think I was going to leave you?

Did you see the tuchas on that one?

Did you win any money at bingo?

Did you... Did you just toot, Grandpa?

Dirty bastard!

Do you guys serve beers?

Do you have a bed we're supposed to pick up?

Do you have any idea how heavy you are?

Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?

Do you know what he's saying,

Do you like a lot of milk?

Do you like this chair?

Do you like to fish, old man?

Do you think you have any stiff competition?

Does he have a cell phone?

Does this look like a good spot?

Doesn't surprise me.

Doing a behind the scenes video for the pageant.

Don't come at me... Don't come at me

Don't do this in front of them! Don't do this right now!

Don't even start that with me! Not now!

Don't get me wrong, I'm upset, but she was a crabby old bat.

Don't hurt me!

Don't hurt me!

Don't interrupt, grandpa, I'm busy.

Don't let her fall out of there, James.

Don't look back there. I'm so sorry.

Don't want to leave her in the trunk.

Don't worry me with that. Just get in the damn car.

Don't! Quit pulling on it.

Don't... It's not going to come out.

Doris, what did you think?

Down low. Too slow.

Earplugs, Billy.

Earplugs.

Eighteen width.

Everybody say, "I am!"

Everyone, Lindsey Dill!

Everyone's very emotional right now.

Excuse me, honey.

Excuse me, my grandpa would like to say something.

Excuse me!

Excuse me?

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Excuse me? Have you seen my grandpa?

Excuse me? Sir? Can you tie my shoe, please?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Fine. Fine. You wanna guard that kid?

Fine. How are you?

Fix it!

Follow my lead.

For Lindsey Dill.

For my dance.

For putting up with me tonight,

Four, five, six,

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fucking leave the penguin alone, bro.

G 37.

G 46.

G 51.

G 53.

G 60.

Gabriel!

Gabriel! Help me!

Gabriel! I'm stuck.

Get a good hold on her.

Get it? I said you had a vagina.

Get my shirt off. Get my coat off. Get my pants off.

Get my shit off.

Get out of here, asshole.

Get out!

Get that damn thing out of the way!

Get that out of here!

Get the fuck away from me, man.

Get the hats! Get the hats!

Get them all hot and bothered,

Get up here, little man.

Get you a lot.

Get your ass inside!

Get your shit off?

Gets the best of everybody.

Gimme five.

Give me the... Give it...

Gloria.

Go ahead and take off. We'll keep him inside.

Go in here and get the damn pants off.

God bless you. God bless you, James. Thank you!

God damn it. Done spilled everywhere.

God damn! You guys are driving me to drink!

God, what are you doing?

God!

God! Push! Push!

Good bye, son.

Good job, buddy.

Good night, buddy.

Good, good. I came here alone,

Good! How you doing, baby?

Good.

Good.

Grab his hand. Can we say a prayer?

Grab the stuff... Let's beat it, kid!

Grandma?

Grandpa loves you very much.

Grandpa wants to know if you're married!

Grandpa, can we go fishing tomorrow?

Grandpa, do you think we'll have time to go fishing?

Grandpa, I got to pee pee.

Grandpa, I got to pee real bad.

Grandpa, I got to pee.

Grandpa, I'm fucking wasted.

Grandpa, I'm hungry.

Grandpa, look at that ride! Can I go ride it?

Grandpa, my leg's falling asleep!

Grandpa, school starts on Tuesday.

Grandpa, what'd you think of my dancing?

Grandpa!

Grandpa! Where have you been?

Grandpa's going out for a walk. You stay in the room.

Grandpa's going to play a little bingo.

Grandpa's got to talk to some tail.

Grandpa's tummy's hurting.

Great, man. Great. Great.

Guess what? Now I'm getting the child support.

Ha ha! Bingo!

Ha! I loved your dancing.

Ham?

Ham.

Have a sip of beer with Grandpa.

Have any of those baskets down here that you have outside?

Have you kissed a girl yet?

He goes to bed around 8:00 p.m. or so. So, uh...

He is 80 years old in a shopping cart.

He just drunk the dauber shit.

He said he wanted poontang.

He says you have a fat kitty cat.

He says you look like a nice Jew.

He says you make him feel young again.

He told me to push the button.

He took this.

He used to have a big taste for it.

He wants to know if you want to smell his finger.

He wants to know if you're doing anything later.

He wants to know where we can get a hoagie around here.

He went to a strip club last night.

He'll hook you up!

He's a good boy.

He's a hell of a lot more than money.

He's a little cooter stretcher is what he is.

He's all I have left.

He's drunk, and he's drinking beer.

He's got a guardian.

He's got a moustache,

He's harder than a horseshoe!

He's like, persistent. He wants to go in there.

He's nearly impossible to communicate with.

He's not going with you. He's coming with me.

He's old and he doesn't know what he's doing.

He's probably drunk right now.

He's stuck on Lisa.

He's sweet. He's my grandson.

He's...

Hell, no!

Hell, that's when the ponies start running.

Hello, ladies!

Hello, lady.

Hello, ma'am. You wouldn't flatter an old man

Hello?

Hello. How are you?

Help him!

Help me! Ah! Gabriel!

Help! Give me a hand!

Her hobbies are football, fishing

Here I am. You want to buy some 22s?

Here we go!

Here we go. Oh! Jesus.

Here we go. You're, uh, so kind.

Here you go, James.

Here, take this bag off. You don't need this.

Here, try, uh... I'll, uh...

Here.

Here.

Here. Got you some breakfast.

Hey, big boy! Is this one of them stripteaser shows?

Hey, Billy, get in! Start it up!

Hey, Billy, let me show you what you're going to do

Hey, buddy. How you doing, billy goat?

Hey, Chuck.

Hey, Dad, look at me in the eye.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Dan, I got an idea.

Hey, get in the room!

Hey, grandpa, how you doing?

Hey, guys.

Hey, he's staying right here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Listen up, listen up!

Hey, I don't have a weight limit either. If you know what I mean.

Hey, sir, how are you?

Hey, what's that...

Hey, you don't know where any, uh,

Hi ya!

Hi, Billy.

Hi, Chuck. I'm a local counselor,

Hi, Rick.

Hi, sweetheart. Wow, you are nice looking!

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Is it okay if I interview you guys?

Hi. My name's Jill.

High five, Dad.

His mom just got thrown in jail.

His mother is going to jail.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hmm. What's today?

Hoagie sandwich.

Hola, gorgeous! I gotta feed this little prick.

Honest to God, strike me dead.

Hoo hah!

Hop up here. There you go.

How about a little fun, people?

How about me being your new kid?

How about this? If I make this shot,

How about we become tuna fishermen

How about whiskey?

How am I supposed to know what his name is?

How are you ladies doing down here?

How do you know that's what he said?

How long did you go out with her?

How long does it take to do alterations?

How much butter you gonna put on that?

How much is this?

How you doing?

Huh?

Hurt you? I'm 86 years old.

I ain't seen the boy in three or four years.

I am a free man for the first time in 46 years

I am very sorry. Um...

I am!

I apologize.

I bet you got a pretty big Tootsie Roll, huh?

I bet.

I call black one!

I came to watch you girls.

I can prove it. You want to see?

I can talk.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

I can't do this.

I can't hack it with him!

I can't have Bobby with me now. I'm in mourning!

I can't ship you. You're... You're living!

I cannot have Billy with me now.

I caught my very own Moby Dick.

I did a little wrestling myself in my younger days.

I didn't do anything!

I do hear stuff in here, but it's not coming from there.

I do, yeah.

I don't expect you to understand,

I don't give a shit.

I don't have a stage name. I'm not a stripper.

I don't know if it'll be good enough for first place,

I don't know if it's really quite that simple.

I don't know what the fuck is going on.

I don't know what to tell you, son. Oh, gosh.

I don't know, buddy.

I don't know. I think you just fell.

I don't know. I was walking,

I don't pee my bed anymore.

I don't shit myself, you little prick.

I don't think so.

I don't trust him.

I don't want to go to my dad, though.

I don't... There's a...

I forfeit.

I get to stay with you instead of my dad.

I give up. I surrender.

I got a damn margarita! Who wants a margarita?

I got an idea.

I got her.

I got him up on the computer now.

I got stuff I have to do, so, uh... Be safe.

I got to get... Oh, God!

I got your doober.

I gotta get unstuck!

I gotta go take a piss.

I gotta take your pants off?

I hate this job. I fucking hate you!

I have something for you.

I have to take this up there.

I hope you went to the bathroom already.

I just can't do anything with you right now.

I just did all of that and... Oh, my God!

I just need you to take Billy across the country

I just want to talk to your granddad outside.

I know we had our differences in the past,

I like chocolate milk sometimes.

I like standing here.

I look like a stripper?

I love chocolate!

I love this song!

I love you.

I loved that duo with the butcher when I was younger.

I may be too old to stir the gumbo,

I mean big boys like me.

I mean really sexy.

I mean, he needs to lose some weight. I mean, honestly.

I mean, if I was fixing it, you'd see me fixing it, but...

I mean, you've got to be willing to be competitive.

I might be too old to fry the rice,

I might be too old to stir the gravy,

I need a $20 bill as a prop.

I need a break.

I need a drink.

I need to go. Oh, my God.

I need to push you over here. We'll bring it out to you.

I never thought my wife's funeral would be filled with

I never went, "Ow!" But one time.

I ought to stuff it down your damn throat.

I said I was... To...

I said I'd get you to your father's,

I see you have met my grandson.

I sell computers.

I think

I think he's lost. He's kind of an idiot.

I think I can work something out.

I think I got one.

I think I'm going to have a heart attack. I really do.

I think it'll be easiest if you just pull like that.

I think that if Irving was to

I think there's a camera here somewhere.

I think this shit's done gone bad.

I think you need to clean out your shorts.

I thought she'd never die.

I told you.

I turned around and I said,

I used to like to fish a lot, but that was before.

I wanna be able to go, like, "DT, take him out."

I want a new dad.

I want the ambulance to check you out.

I want to go fishing every day till I'm rich

I want you to sit down on a cushion until...

I was going to beat it to go deliver some mail.

I was hoping my daughter and grandson could make it but...

I wish I had more time with her.

I wish I'd tried a little harder to make that happen.

I wish so much of our time had not been consumed by combat.

I wish they would!

I wished you could have seen the young Ellie,

I won every single one!

I would really appreciate it.

I wouldn't be surprised if you are.

I...

I'd like to fix her penguin.

I'd like to lay down and take a nap myself.

I'll fucking kick your ass!

I'll just call you Cinnamon.

I'll push you over to the side.

I'll show her mine right now!

I'll tell you that.

I'll tell you what, you can have a water.

I'm 45 years old. I'll fucking tune you up. All right?

I'm about to bust your ass.

I'm about to whip you, motherfucker. Up your ass, bro.

I'm an old man.

I'm eating this one.

I'm either in a casket or around a casket.

I'm free.

I'm getting froze out.

I'm getting off.

I'm going to be checking in on you a lot.

I'm going to let you process this,

I'm going to make it disappear.

I'm going to send this to Raleigh, North Carolina.

I'm going to talk to my mom.

I'm gonna call the police.

I'm gonna go... I'm going to walk the red carpet.

I'm gonna have to have that checked out.

I'm gonna squeeze this lime juice

I'm having some problems with my business right now.

I'm his grandfather

I'm in a bad situation.

I'm Lisa.

I'm looking for my grandpa.

I'm not fit?

I'm not fixing it.

I'm okay.

I'm pretty loose right now,

I'm really fond

I'm sitting there looking, I'm like, "What is up with this?"

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry for insulting you.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm sorry, I was just... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, ladies. Don't...

I'm sorry, sir, I can't talk about it.

I'm sorry, what did you just say?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

I'm supposed to talk.

I'm taking you to your dad so he can look after you.

I'm trying to get him to his father,

I'm trying to take a picture.

I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.

I'm, uh, afraid I have some bad news.

I've been worried!

I've probably been in a thousand pageants.

If I had all the money I spent on poontang,

If somebody comes at you with a knife.

If you can't come to Lincoln,

If you know what I'm saying.

If you like him so damn much, you take him.

If you'd have met her, you'd have felt the same way.

If you're ready for the next entertainer,

In my opinion, ladle licking

In the Champagne Room like, he's like, 21.

In there.

In your name we pray. Amen.

In your... Sir, there's a curb there.

Irving.

Irving.

Is going to jail again, all right?

Is he in the Champagne Room?

Is it one of those ones that adjusts?

Is more important than gumbo stirring anyway.

Is my grandpa in here?

Is somebody, like, watching you or something?

Is that a no?

Is that a squirrel right there?

Is that weird?

Is there a price tag on it?

Is there somebody, like...

It did sting a little when it got to my bunghole though,

It didn't work!

It doesn't work!

It means she has a nice bottom.

It means you got something, 'cause the cuts burn.

It still has batteries in it or something?

It was settling. It was settling.

It wasn't the main cause, but...

It'll get there overnight.

It's a done deal, man. Drop him off.

It's a large nose carpet croaker!

It's a statue.

It's a statue. I have a statue in there.

It's a very difficult time for the family.

It's about time.

It's all cleared up now, though.

It's all right. She's already dead.

It's because you're holding it so close to the edge.

It's been a while since I've played.

It's Billy. Billy!

It's competitive, it's a sport.

It's fucking embarrassing!

It's got that special vibrating feature.

It's heavy.

It's interesting. Every time I work with these guys,

It's kind of like bad breath, but the vagina.

It's not funny!

It's one of those that kind of

It's only $25.

It's unplugged, I pulled the plug.

It's unplugged!

James, will you get the head?

James. How are you, James? Come on in. We're back here.

Jeez!

Jesus Christ!

Jesus!

Jesus!

Jiggle my shoulders.

Jiggle my shoulders. Ow! Ow!

Jiggle my... Ow! Jiggle! Jiggle!

Jiggle! Ow! Ow.

Just calm down. It's okay.

Just go with it.

Just grab that right there.

Just had a couple too many.

Just help me get him out of the box. I'll take him.

Just keep going straight.

Just kinda take a couple steps back.

Just put her right in there.

Just said some nonsense about

Just sit up here.

Just stay right there! Don't listen...

Just stop...

Just surprise me and don't be a schmuck this time, okay?

Just take it down, all right?

Just to prove to you I don't have anything, ladies,

Just wrap her up.

Keep going, just a little bit more.

Keep it down.

Keep you.

Kind of.

Ladies and gentlemen, contestant number 10,

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it

Law offices.

Leave us alone! Leave us alone!

Let Grandpa sit.

Let it out.

Let me ask you a question, is the bed really going?

Let me get his bag. Where's my grandson's backpack? Take your grandson.