Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) Edit

A business decision.

A world of possibilities where plain old people just like us

A, I don't appreciate you violating the sanctity of my Amazon Wish List page,

About how we wouldn't let sex change us, but it did. It changed me.

Acting and directing at the same time. It's a lot to process, you know.

Action.

Action.

Actually, you know what? Sorry, I don't think we should show them.

After I give you the best orgasm you've ever had.

After the first year. But look at him now, chatty as fuck.

Again, amazing first night, everybody. Thank you so much.

Ah, tempting. Again, no.

Ain't that some shit?

All I keep thinking is we should've done a trial run

All male casts. Like Glengarry Glen Ross? Like that?

All right, don't forget I'm down here. Watch that pullout, huh?

All right, grab my arm. I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm.

All right, one hour tops, then we're gone.

All right, settle.

All right, so we got Lester and Stacey fucking.

All right, that's enough. Look, you've drunk too much.

All right, you grab your dick,

All right, you want me to work on Moolie Monday too?

All the quarters are on the ground.

Although he does most of the eating in the sack. In the sack and of the sack.

Anal and hugging.

And according to Miri, brothers and sisters can't fuck.

And act like I'm a stud who knows what he's doing, okay? Just be a pal.

And action.

And B, I'm not buying that thing from Amazon,

And Barry and Bubbles didn't know each other

And before you go, don't forget your copy of The Roving Roe Ver.

And by containing myself, do you mean containing myself in a closet?

And caught you fucking?

And chipped away at your mountain of debt.

And Drop Their Hairy Nuts in His Eager Mouth.

And have ourselves a real high school reunion?

And he has a jet and a fucking island.

And her movie just sucked cock, period.

And Houls dared you to give yourself head,

And how I was too much of a fucking pussy

And I know... I know that that's only because of all the stupid shit we said

And I sprawl out on my sheets and I listen to Sting.

And I think...

And I will be patient with you. I will be there on your journey.

And I would rather die than be without you, Miriam Linky.

And I'll be sure to add you to our 800 member strong mailing list.

And I'm on the Internet wearing a diaper?

And I'm pretty sure she's legally retarded.

And just so you know, I can't go back to being just friends anymore,

And Mistress Bubbles did a bachelor party tonight

And never gave a shit how I felt about it.

And nobody wants to fuck me.

And not what was coming out of us necessarily.

And pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth.

And remember, we're not just the presidents

And Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter.

And settle for one unflattering angle,

And she has been the queen of my world ever since.

And showed us something we didn't know existed.

And since the mall is just up the street, I would like you to come out and work.

And sleep with you to, uh, get back at you,

And Stacey over here is gonna play Darth Vibrator.

And Stacey was just a lap dancer

And still have instant recognition with our audience.

And the award winning Star Whores saga,

And then this boring bullshit.

And then we're changed forever.

And this fool here, hell, I don't even know what he was.

And this week's will barely cover the past two water bills, so...

And we all watched you try for, like, an hour.

And we will always just be just friends, so...

And your ass.

Anyway, you pick up the poop and you've got yourself a movie studio.

Are you fucking with me?

Are you Granny Panties?

Are you guys still open?

Are you guys sure you don't wanna do some, uh, butt sack work too?

Are you kidding? That party we went to where you got blasted,

Are you staying in town for a while or...?

Are you still talking to me?

Are you sure?

As a director, please. What about the anxiety I'm feeling as an actress?

As an actor, I've sometimes brought my work home with me inappropriately.

As not just a come dumpster,

As of last night, I was having sex with Zack.

As simple as filming people fucking?

At 9 at night? How does that work?

At a blowjob contest that I was judging, and it would still be retarded.

At home last week or something.

At least it was for Barry.

At which yours truly was a guest star, thank you very much.

Awesome. God, you guys have so much to catch up on. Whoo.

Baby, please take our picture. I get a picture with Granny Panties.

Back in the day, our hairstyle, oh...

Banged with your mouth and then never talked to again?

Be careful, Miri. Okay, there we go. Just keep rolling, keep rolling.

Beat it, we're talking.

Because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks.

Because I fucking hate this game playing shit.

Because I live here now, and I like to be naked.

Because I love you, and I have for as long as I can remember.

Because I missed you so much.

Because I paid off the bills.

Because I would love to fucking eat her ass and fuck her silly in the movie.

Because I'm in the mood to fuck.

Because it turns out I don't have a credit card they take.

Because other people have options and dignity, which we do not have,

Because she's famous. Hello.

Because that night after I left, you didn't fuck Lester.

Because that'd be really sad for Stacey.

Because you're about to fuck Lester to spite me, it seems like.

Before you're camera ready.

Besides, man, I've known her since the first grade.

Beyond the people we went to school with.

Biggest sales day of the year. I'm getting a flat screen TV, believe that.

Bobby fucking Long? No way. Didn't that guy call you Stinky Linky?

Brandon.

But a sign of his beauty, his flower.

But don't take his word for it. Just ask our co founders.

But I always wish I had, and that's what porno is. It's fantasy.

But I should have asked first, I look like a fucking beluga whale.

But I was talking about September's. Tell me this doesn't rock.

But I'm a little nervous. I was thinking about trying to get with him tonight.

But if you're not fucking Miri, why is your dick out right now?

But it's a little something I picked up doing bachelor parties.

But luckily, your parents are dead. Sorry. My grandparents are dead.

But the droids do, I CUP and R2 T Bag.

But these are the exact circumstances people find themselves in

But they could have it in the middle of the summer

But this is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works, and it will,

But you did.

But you just came out of her room.

But you know what? That probably means she loves you.

But you said, that this wasn't a literal translation,

But you, you mean more to me than that,

By being a terrible, untrustworthy employee, that's how.

Call now to set up your appointment

Can I get a beer, please?

Can I get two beers, please? You want a beer?

Can I talk to you for a minute in the back?

Can we get a little love for Zack and Miri?

Can you believe that Gandhi motherfucker, telling me I gotta work on Black Friday?

Can you help me pick out an outfit for tonight?

Can't you see we talking, white?

Check out the flick, you tell me what's missing.

Close the door if you're gonna take a shit.

Clothes on his ****a baby backs, and he ain't gonna say shit.

Cock shots.

Come back to humble Monroeville to my crib for a couple hours,

Come on, are you guys playing or what?

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, hurry. Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, I don't wanna be late for work.

Come shot, credits. There's your fucking ending.

Comics? Like Ziggy?

Could do something special.

Cradle the balls. Work the shaft.

Cue effects.

Cue music.

Cut.

Definitely not prettier, but around the same.

Delaney, my friend, you are On Ur Knees Bend Over.

Delaney, you're a slick cupid motherfucker.

Did I do that?

Did you fuck Stacey to spite me? No.

Did you fuck Stacey to spite me? No.

Did you see Lost this week, man? I missed it. What happened?

Didn't you used to videotape the varsity basketball games in high school?

Didn't you used to work at the Bean N Gone in Monroeville?

Do you believe this shit?

Do you have one of the large blown up pictures of your younger self

Do you need a drink? Because I need a drink to say this.

Do you?

Don't do that. The little dog don't like that.

Don't forget to smack it when you turn it on,

Don't get too excited. We didn't pay off your whole bill. Just a month of each.

Don't look.

Don't worry, we weren't in the same class or anything.

Dream on, pal, it's never gonna happen, okay?

Dude, I don't one night mouth fuck anybody that I pick up in bars.

Dude, that's really dirty.

Dude. Some light petting.

Enjoy.

Enrique? Park?

Even if it's something as simple as filming people fucking.

Even though she's spending all of it.

Even though we're broke and we've never amounted to anything,

Every woman has a pair of those period panties. That's, like, a fact.

Everything. Scratch your balls, take a shit, everything, I tell you, okay?

Everything. Scratch your balls, take a shit, everything, I tell you, okay?

Ew.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. In my producorial capacity,

Fair for everyone else who is fucking more than one person,

Fair for...? I don't... What? Fair for who?

Finding the people to be in the movie.

First, you'll meet for a consultation with one of our romance ologists,

Fleshlight maxed out my $200 limit. Not a wise purchase, I'll give you that.

Flirting up a storm with that cheerleader nimrod Monica Von.

For discretionary jacking off.

For everything.

For my penis.

For the first time, I thought my balls didn't have enough hair on them.

From their break out hit, Swallow My Cockuccino,

Fuck you, I have dignity.

Fuck you. I'm not even letting you see my ass.

Fuck you. Ziggy is a comic, right next to Family Circus.

Fuck, yes, I do. You know how many stories I have from working here?

Fuck, yes.

Fuckback Mountain?

Fucking deep in asses.

Fucking garbage can like a couple of steno bums.

Fucking guys. This fucking team, man. They fucking suck.

Fucking movies. Pretty much.

Fucking Roethlisberger, the quarterback, was all fucking,

Fun. You fucking douche.

Get up, Zack.

Give me today, I'll bang out a script. Meet me back here after closing.

Go, go, go.

Good. I'm getting tired of fucking the Fleshlight.

Granny Panties?

Granny panties.

Greetings.

Guys, honestly, I don't know what to say.

Guys, read amongst yourselves, okay? Can I talk to you for a sec?

Guys, this isn't a literal adaptation here.

Guys, this isn't a literal adaptation here.

Guys, we're not wrapped. We still have four days of shooting left.

Happy?

Have you heard the good news about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

Have you seen my dick? You've never seen my dick.

Have you seen that big blowup picture they have of me?

Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild?

He gotta work on Black Friday. You got any idea how racist that sounds?

He's not living out loud, so he gets all like, ooh.

Help me get this shit out of my hair. Just use the water out of the toilet.

Here at Zack and Miri Make Your Porno, we're dedicated

Here, I'll lean back and you can just, you know, pour it down like... Like that.

Here, let me show you.

Hey, honey.

Hey, I bought skates with last week's paycheck

Hey, I sat next to that guy in Civics. Look at his fucking dick.

Hey, stranger.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. So where are we shooting this? Over here?

Hi, my name's Delaney and I'm a producer.

Hold up, hold up. So who's all having sex with who in this movie?

Hold up. You wanna shoot a dirty movie here, where we work?

Holy bejesus. You do not use my Jergens to jack it in our bathroom.

Holy fuck, thank you. You're an all right enough looking girl.

Holy fuck.

Holy fuck. You mean, after you're done with your shift?

Holy shit, this just got real.

Holy shit. Are we really gonna shoot this in outer space?

Holy shit. I get it. I fucking get it.

Hoping to seduce you and bring you back to my apartment

How come you get to fuck something with a motor in it?

How could we have done that?

How did this happen? I burned the bills.

How did you get a camera?

How did you manage that?

How many guys have you met in a bar, taken home,

How many times I've been laid right there after hours?

How you feeling about it?

How? Okay, I'm broke, man.

Hug it, chug it, football. All night. Heh heh.

Hump me, On Ur Knees Bend Over. You're my only hump.

I actually don't. Where's the clitoris? Is it in your ass?

I am totally buying this shit.

I apologize in advance if I am out of line here,

I asked her to fuck me. She wouldn't do it.

I came with somebody who went to school here.

I can get a boner really quick and it sticks straight up.

I can have a porn name?

I can't believe this. I was delivering cream, and look what's happening.

I can't wear anything that I already own and expect to bring home Bobby Long.

I didn't know that. Shit, he's a director.

I don't care that you're fucking Lester, okay? How's that?

I don't do ass stuff.

I don't fucking care if you fuck him. Fuck. I don't give a shit.

I don't know if I'd call it a special talent,

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.

I don't know. You guys just looked kind of intimate last night.

I don't mean to alarm you

I don't mind. Especially if you spill it on my face.

I don't smell anything.

I don't think I've ever met the ambitious Zack Brown before.

I don't think I've seen your face since senior year.

I don't wanna get even.

I don't want you getting all mushy and gooey on me

I even tried to talk her into giving me the fucking Dutch rudder.

I feel like...

I fuck a lot. That's what I meant to say. That doesn't sound good either. Wow.

I gave her a good deal on yarn,

I got an advance already. It went into all the costumes.

I guess it's not like it'd be creepy,

I guess we can lose Star Sex 3: The Search for Cock, then.

I guess, um...

I guess...

I hate both of you ebony and ivory motherfuckers, I tell you.

I have a question, do Princess Lay Her and Lubed Sky Baller have sex?

I have to get another job to pay Delaney back.

I just wanna do my part for the movie like everyone else.

I just wanna keep shooting people boning all day.

I kind of dropped the ball on that, I guess, huh?

I knew it. Here, help.

I know that because I'm not a fucking idiot.

I know what you meant.

I know you felt something big, something real the other night

I know. She... We're not gonna do that. I don't think Miri's gonna...

I know. Thank you for reminding me.

I like that guy but if he tries to fuck that little dog tonight for real,

I liked that.

I love the movies.

I love you.

I mean a girl friend, jeez.

I mean during my shift.

I mean, I'll be waxing your ass.

I mean, I'm a total loser in every single other aspect of my life.

I mean, it's really amazing. Thank you.

I mean, look at us. It's Thanksgiving and we're huddled around a flaming

I mean, not... We won't be fucking, there'll be fucking in the movie.

I mean, ten years ago, Pittsburgh, who knew anything about fashion?

I mean, this could give us a chance to pay off our debt, pay our bills,

I mean, what does paintball got to do with hockey?

I mean, you look beautiful. You always look so beautiful,

I mean, you're a nice enough looking guy and everything...

I met a guy at DreamWorks. Yeah.

I need cock and I need it now.

I need coffee so I'm drive home.

I never slept with Stacey that night, okay? I swear to God.

I really don't know what it means. I'm gonna be honest, this is my first time.

I robot.

I spilled my cream. Do you mind?

I think I burned my ball hair off.

I think I made a mistake.

I think I'll be going now.

I think it looks good on you.

I think someone should acknowledge how insane and amazing this is

I think that you feel the same way.

I think we should probably wait just until I lose another 20 or 30 pounds.

I thought they were gonna be fucking hard.

I thought they were gonna be fucking hard.

I thought we were just gonna go to sit around and make fun of everybody.

I thought you made that whole thing up.

I thought you said this was boys on girls.

I told her that it was okay to ask you.

I understand it's kind of hard getting wet when everyone's watching.

I use ex lax, but good to know.

I want to eat your brain

I want to slam my ham in your can, woman. Scene.

I want you to come.

I was literally just watching you, like, right before we got here.

I will be Hung So low.

I will be your Sherpa up the mountain of gayness.

I will.

I work out.

I would not eat food that you gave me, that's true.

I would tell you to go fuck yourself right now

I'd be like, Why aren't we watching that right now?

I'd like a double espresso so I can stay up all night

I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock, I just met him.

I'll know everything you do when I'm gone.

I'll tell you what just happened in there.

I'll tell you what, you do that, you don't owe me shit no more.

I'm a delivery man and I have some cream for you.

I'm acting weird? I think you're acting weird right now.

I'm calling the Humane Society.

I'm disturbed at how turned on I am by this.

I'm embarrassing him. I love when he's embarrassed.

I'm fucking you in the puss.

I'm fucking you in the puss.

I'm gonna be Oprah rich. Y'all can kiss my ass.

I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out.

I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker.

I'm gonna hatefuck the shit out of you, ref.

I'm gonna kill that lying old fuck.

I'm here for the same reason you're here. To make the movie.

I'm just gonna get fucking alcohol poisoning.

I'm just gonna take a minute, okay?

I'm shutting the movie down for a night so we can get a little silly.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this, man.

I'm sorry. Pittsburgh. Listen up, Monroe vers.

I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergens in the bathroom.

I'm thinner, though, right? A little?

I'm touching my own dick. You're working it, and I'm loving it.

I'm working till 6.

I've been looking at the same busted titties for the past almost 20 years.

I've been waiting for it all day.

I've never met a man who can make me come like a vibrator does.

I've seen your ass and the rest of you naked around a billion times already.

If anyone's gotta keep this in perspective, it's you, okay?

If anything.

If I have to fuck a guy, okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl.

If I have to fuck a guy, okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl.

If it was, how do you think you did?

If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?

If this is what you need, then fine. Here it is, I'm gonna say it.

If we talk about what happened last night.

If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch rudder you the rest of our lives.

If you don't get an advance,

If you heard that someone we graduated with

If you start fucking machines, I'm moving out.

If you were any other bitch I didn't give a rat's ass about,

If you're gonna continue to emasculate me

In a closet of denial? Is that...? No, no, no.

In L.A., we call that look Nickelodeon chic.

In our movie, Darth Vibrator is a bad girl

In this godforsaken town, I could be myself. I'm so sorry.

In this movie all of a sudden,

Including Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter,

Is that enough of a scene? I could start doing worse than that.

Is that Zack? Or am I Zack? Whoa, ho, ho.

It became a, uh, gorgeous orchid.

It feels good, sir. Try me, come on.

It has to be love

It helped me see his asshole

It is a sign that the romance is dead, I think.

It just... You know, it makes it even easier to just... To just say this.

It looked like shit going into other shit, in focus.

It makes a big difference in life. But you live and learn, though, right?

It sucks. You stop appreciating each other and run out of shit to talk about

It totally loosens you up.

It was a test. That whole thing was a fucking test, is that it?

It was always, like, a spoof of a popular movie, you know?

It was awesome. I think the cast and crew had a good time.

It was, um, weird.

It wasn't just me, though, guys. Give it up for my radiant costar here, Miri.

It wasn't just me, though, guys. Give it up for my radiant costar here, Miri.

It would probably be easier if I just showed you.

It'd be weird and wrong, you know, like fucking my brother.

It's a fucking pocket pussy that is shaped like a flashlight

It's a fucking porno movie, man. What story?

It's a living. You've been getting the checks I've been sending?

It's a movie, dog, and a movie's gotta have an ending,

It's called Bean N Gone, so get the fuck out of here. Hey, Barry.

It's Cocoon with a cunt.

It's for a purpose. It's for getting rich. Only my dick and your pussy

It's had 200,000 views in three hours. Honey, you are, like...

It's helped us out, it's helped our friends.

It's incredible.

It's just because I've been constipated all day.

It's just through this hallway.

It's like Coca Cola or Pepsi with dicks in it. Look at Paris Hilton.

It's like jerking off together but not gay.

It's like someone else is jerking you off.

It's more of an erotic re imagining.

It's my job as the producer to see what you got.

It's no problem to work with Lester again. He has a nice cock.

It's not funny.

It's okay. You know, honestly, I don't think I could sleep.

It's puss as in pussy.

It's so Miri, is what it is. I'm Zack, by the way.

It's taking the normal and making it abnormal by fucking it.

It's the biggest mall shopping day of the year.

It's time I go back to my regular life

It's tucked under them. It's stuck under them.

Jerk my come crayon and let me color you white.

Julia Roberts followed Pretty Woman with Sleeping With the Enemy.

Just get on with it already.

Just hoping one day we'd be in such dire financial straits

Just jump through it. I ain't got all night. The bitch is on me.

Just so you know, there will be some fucking.

Just the away games. I did it because I was trying to fuck a cheerleader.

Just tonight. I fly back to L.A. tomorrow.

Just you.

Just, you know, make sure you kind of whoop it up

Keep going.

Kind of like The Wiz or like a parody. With lots of anal.

L.A., wow, Los Angeles. Gosh, Bobby Long, coming up in the world.

Less than 12 hours and we make Monroeville history.

Lester The Molester Cockinshtuff.

Let us fuck.

Let us fuck.

Let us fuck.

Let us fuck. [ R ]

Let's just promise that it's not gonna change anything between us, okay?

Let's just say, thank you to Zack and Miri.

Let's move out, start lighting the next scene.

Like Glen and Gary Suck Ross' Meaty Cock

Like I said, I got a wife. She don't play that shit.

Like if we got way too drunk one night and accidentally fucked, you know?

Like it was yesterday, man. Awesome. Awesome.

Like we...

Like you said, you know, you've fucked bigger idiots than Lester.

Like, I can look at a titty, make sure there ain't no moles on there?

Like, um, Edward Penishands.

Listen, I have some extra lube from last night.

Literally, and it's up to Lubed and Hung to stop her with their cocks.

Little less tongue.

Look at all this production value, waiting to have balls on it.

Look at the size of those fucking panties.

Look at you. What...? Anything I've seen? What movies?

Look, don't fucking pretend that the other night, you and me, right there,

Look, Miri,

Look, that's why I came down here. I need you to come take a look at it.

Look, there's got to be a less extreme solution to our financial woes here.

Look, this doesn't mean anything. We're just doing this for cash.

Looking to put a little spice in their sex life.

Luxury Homesteads bought this place a month ago.

Make sure you leave your costume so we know they're here for tomorrow.

Making cappuccinos for this fucking guy.

Man, he's gonna be balling dudes?

Man, I can't be in no porno. My wife will kill me.

Maybe I was thinking about your feelings.

Maybe not bigger idiots.

Maybe now he can save me a fortune in Amazon bills.

Maybe the harelip makes it sound like baseball.

Maybe you can fuck our landlord

Me too.

Miri came out of the backroom and said she couldn't do it.

Miri.

Miri's last name is Linky?

Miriam Linky, will you have sex with me on camera for money?

Mmm. This is some damn good coffee.

More erotic and with less women.

Mostly, everybody, thank you so much for helping us get ready, you know.

Mr. Delaney, can you work for me tomorrow?

My friend's making an ass of herself hitting on her high school crush.

My God, who even knew Amazon sold shit like this?

My hair is terrible. I can't believe I even wore my hair like that.

My name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long.

My name's Granny Panties,

My nut sack in your coffees, so how did that taste, fucker?

My tits are bigger than yours. I don't wanna show that.

My underwear and your ass are famous, we're not.

Never mind what my wife's gonna do when there ain't no new snow tires,

****a Rich Productions. Classy.

No fucking shit. John Butterfield? You actually married John Butterfield?

No one wants me around their food. Would you eat food that I gave you?

No power. You wanna pay our electric bill?

No shit. That's who my friend's hitting on right now. See right there?

No women, to be exact.

No, how about instead, you get a friend?

No, I'm a guy. Give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band,

No, like Spider Man and shit, you know?

No, make that, I was broke. Now I am really tapped out.

No, no, no. With your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens.

No, no. It was very real.

No, no. It's not a biggie. What? No.

No, not you, Lester. Put it back in.

No, that is a fucking awesome idea. Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea.

No, the night before Thanksgiving? Who does that?

No, they're fucking with each other.

No, you gotta stop it right now.

No, you're right, I should just butch up

No.

No.

No. Not at all. We're probably not even as good as most of them,

No. Really, thank you.

No. We close at 9.

No. We'd be going in with the understanding that it's...

Not really.

Nothing, I guess.

Nothing's whiter than my big gay ass...

Now I can't get my flat screen? Fuck that.

Now she's selling fragrances to tweens.

Now that this guy's not around anymore, huh?

Now work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Work it up and down.

Now, I wonder why she did that.

Of Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.

Oh, all sorts of movies with all male casts.

Oh, because he's the worst photographer. Okay, good.

Oh, but if I start making weird faces or anything during the scene,

Oh, don't nobody want them saggy ass balls!

Oh, dude, I am gonna Meryl Streep the fuck out of this tomorrow, you watch.

Oh, fuck it, chuck it, football. Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God, I just wanna eat him up, yum, yum.

Oh, God, that's so sad.

Oh, God, this is good.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Come on.

Oh, God. We really do know too much about each other.

Oh, God. Zack could never have that effect on me in a million years.

Oh, holy shit.

Oh, I entered gay and ass, and it was the top hit.

Oh, I suppose you weren't gonna ask about your movie, neither?

Oh, I'm acting... How exactly am I acting weird?

Oh, in my world, nobody calls me the other Zack,

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, like crazy.

Oh, like you know what you're doing down there at all.

Oh, man, I can't believe you gotta work now.

Oh, my God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy. How about this?

Oh, my God, they totally saved our civil union.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no one ever called me that.

Oh, okay.

Oh, shit, uh. We don't have to shoot the scene tonight.

Oh, shit.

Oh, that was good.

Oh, the beans hurt. Easy.

Oh, what in the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Oh, wow, like you've never done that before.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah, like that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Thanks by the way, for fucking letting me do that. Thank you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, like that.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. You're not getting all gooey on me here, are you, Zack?

Okay, just, like, for your own personal information,

Okay, just, uh, go to the next scene, would you?

Okay, open up to camera, guys. Let us see it.

Okay, pal, here you go. On the house.

Okay, seriously, we're just talking about sex, okay?

Okay, so we need a mildly clever, vaguely dirty title,

Okay, that's a wrap, everybody, yeah.

Okay, that's enough, I think.

Okay, uh. Did I do something wrong to you?

Okay, uh. I'll just be out there.

Okay, well, so, uh, do you have any special skills?

Okay, when we come back tonight,

Okay, yeah, uh.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Families.

Okay. Families.

Okay. Fucker.

Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?

On the other hand, fuck my wife.

One day, I'm gonna put a camera over there, and then I can tell...

One in the bathroom?

One in your living room, one in your bathroom.

One, two, three. Go.

Only difference is this movie's about cock sucking

Or find us on the web at www.ZackandMiri.com.

Or I had an idea.

Or that you beat up Carl Roth in the sixth grade? I know that.

Or that you washed your hair in the toilet.

Or that you're not fucking Zack... What?

Or what your senior prom dress would've looked like had we gone

Or when she sees I charged a video camera.

Orchids grow in sort of the filthiest conditions.

Otherwise the screen doesn't come on.

Park? Enrique?

Peace.

People come back in town for the holidays.

Please, don't ever say shit covered to me again.

Please.

Plus, it sounds like an underground gay fuck club.

Probably didn't save you from a brutal tongue lashing, though, huh?

Right before they start having sex for money.

Roll the film for the man, please, so we can see what he thinks.

Roxanne. Hey.

Saggy balls? Look at these sagging ass titties you got around here.

Same reason I don't spring for clothes for tonight, I'm broke.

Save some for me, yum, yum, yum.

See, and this would really just be one more thing.

See, I told you it would work. Didn't I tell you? It looks amazing.

See, I was pretending to cry right there.

See, we figured this opens us up to an even bigger sales market

Seriously, let's shoot the shit out of this bitch.

Settles my disability suit because then I'm gonna be out this motherfucker.

She couldn't afford to pay her rent by herself, so I moved in to help.

She pays half the rent, does dishes, she wakes me up in the morning.

She throat fucks a guy in night vision,

She told me that you told her that that was okay.

She's not gonna show her tits? I showed my cock and my asshole.

Shoot that shit. Shoot it.

Shot me down on that too.

Shut the fuck up.

Since our auspicious debut on viral video.

Since we started this thing.

So a movie, huh? That could be fun.

So are we starting with Lester and Stacey tonight?

So are you. You're fucking Granny Panties.

So as you can see, our movie ain't got no ending.

So Delaney tells us you have a special talent of some sort.

So don't we need to vary it up to keep it fair?

So I guess it's not a big deal, but you look amazing.

So I guess we should do this.

So I think it's, you know, not fair if I'm only fucking you.

So I will wait forever for you, okay? I will wait the rest of my life

So I'm just gonna lay this out on front street.

So if that makes you uncomfortable in any way,

So if this is what you need to hear in order to keep you from fucking Lester,

So speaking of coming into things, ready for tomorrow? Twenty years,

So that means Lester's character could have sex with Miri's character.

So we can at least keep a roof over our heads.

So we can have our wrap party right now.

So we sell them a Princess Leia they can really fucking jerk off to.

So we took up a collection amongst ourselves.

So we will start off with some erotic massage and some...

So who are we gonna disappoint? Porn has gone mainstream now.

So who the F would wanna watch us fuck?

So why don't they just shoot you with a puck?

So, what about me? How do I look?

So, what are they paying $5 for?

Some guys can't keep sex in perspective.

Someone I like, what are the odds, huh?

Sometimes.

Sorry about the elbow.

Sorry to change the subject on you, Lester,

Sound stage? We had a shit covered garage we turned into a sound stage.

Sounds like your Mr. Jenkins was full of shit.

Stacey knows somebody that works at Power and Light.

Stacey, Lester, Bubbles, Barry, whoo.

Start with the close ups of Lester and Stacey. Give me a second, man.

Stir it, baby.

Stop it. You look good.

Swallow My Cockuccino, Scene 8, Take 1.

Swallow My Cockuccino, Scene 12, Take 1.

Swallow My Cockuccino.

Take it, Barry. Take it.

Telling me to work. What, you think you own me?

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Gosh, you turned out to be such a nice guy.

Thanks, George.

Thanks, Lester, uh.

Thanks.

That accompanies coming with a fucking vibrator.

That are plastered all over the Internet? Is that where you hide your dignity?

That are plastered all over the Internet? Is that where you hide your dignity?

That awkward movement.

That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake.

That guy is the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world

That guy, Brandon St. Randy, who's Bobby Long's awesome nice boyfriend,

That has to be love, right?

That I could use it to finally make my move on you.

That is a weird revenge plot.

That makes me want some McNuggets.

That sounds good.

That that didn't mean anything to you, that you didn't feel it too.

That they know how to shoot hot sex.

That woman is the bane of my existence.

That would definitely buy a porno we were in just to be like,

That's a cute kitty.

That's a fuckload of pressure for a director.

That's all. But there's no such thing as free titties, is there, Zack?

That's awesome, man. What do you do out there?

That's before I knew about styling products, you know.

That's bullshit. You get to be Buck Rogers having sex in the 25th century

That's for tweens?

That's it? It's over? Ain't he supposed to come on her titties?

That's my fault, I should tell you. I asked for Friday morning off, I'm sorry.

That's my room now. She moved in your old room.