Rock the Kasbah (2015) Edit

A country that I like and a village that I admire,

A grain of sand slips into an oyster...

A guy wouldn't have to walk that far.

A handshake is my word.

A husband and wife,

A lot of sex.

A parent and child,

A Pashtun girl.

A Pashtun woman? From this village?

A priest and confessor...

A tourist trip. Totally. You got a camera?

A... It's called management strategy.

Absolutely.

Actually, I'm Nick. He's Jake.

Actually, sir, we're in a lockdown mode.

Afghan Star? Yes. Big TV show.

Afghanistan. Totally. Got to.

After one year I'd be singing my own songs.

After these guys shoot me about a thousand times?

Against millions? Where will she even sleep?

Ah. Ah.

Alaikum salaam.

All non government organizations, until further notice.

All of Afghanistan, they watch it and they vote it.

All of them deeply, profoundly irritating.

All right, none of you are leaving here with a vicious STD.

All right, what you got to have for this, five bucks?

All right, when you're done,

All right. Calm down.

All right. Just give me the gory details.

All the wealth of my village, for what?

All those pictures in your office, you had that grin.

All you gotta do is tilt your head back and swallow.

Allah gave me this voice. This is his gift.

Allah loves those who act justly.

Although without backup.

And definitely off the street, hmm?

And don't you wanna know?

And emotional attachment to the lyric or the melody.

And for a long time, too long, I believed him.

And forget pitch, rhythm and tone...

And get you one of those stuffed elephants with the mirrors all over it.

And I already know who the winner is.

And I get a taste of the merch.

And I heard her, and...

And I think you're wrong.

And I'd like for you all to come to the show as my guests.

And if she's in Kabul, she's at the Volcan.

And if you didn't truly believe that, wouldn't she be dead by now?

And irritates the bivalve.

And it's a $300 million contract with the damn Pentagon, dude.

And it's safe?

And Jimmy Cliff.

And left me here in a place that I like,

And look at me.

And Ms. Ronnie Smiler, I think you are that same kind of professional.

And my act needs me.

And my bullets work.

And my money,

And Nizar's gonna kill Salima. He's a crazy man.

And now... now we shall play our parts.

And open my own real estate agency in Oahu.

And she had 'em.

And signing.

And that reminds me of someone, and this is brand new and mysterious.

And that TV show.

And that was nothing.

And the reason is that girl...

And then he would like us to spend the night.

And then hunt down your family and kill them.

And then I got a direct flight to LA. Gotta sleep.

And then we thought about your current situation.

And there's a lot of kids out there tonight just like me...

And they're wonderful sights. The road trip is absolutely incredible.

And this is what I'm supposed to do.

And those numbers can be massaged.

And those numbers can be massaged.

And two...

And would really appreciate an upgrade,

And you got my looks too.

And you put her on TV, Richie.

And you raised her...

And you really know that Salima's gonna win her way into the next round,

And you?

Are that irritant.

As salaam alaikum.

As she nursed him back to health, he taught her one word a day,

Asshole.

Azam Ghol is my Pashtun brother.

Baba, Johnny, get this shit off the truck.

Baba? Get It On John? Everybody all right?

Because I asked him to!

Big James Brown finish.

Big... Big time show.

Blood everywhere, all over both of us.

Booking cover bands for bar mitzvahs.

Bows. The whole thing.

Boys, it's your lucky day.

Breakfast, darlin'?

Brian, you don't wanna be the guy...

Burnt. Singed.

But I also gave up a daughter I love.

But I am still in the goddamn game.

But I can fuck you like a Mouseketeer on crack.

But I found this girl in a cave.

But I'm gonna cut my fee.

But I'm pretty sure...

But it's a start.

But Miss Stevie Nicks went on and did the show of her life that night.

But so... were the Bay City Rollers.

But the first thing...

But the town's jammed up and you're only here one night.

But this time for twice my initial fee.

But we got a shipment due in Patkia...

But why are you in my trunk?

But win, goddamn it.

But without you guys.

But you know what, Richie?

But you said that you retired.

But your 15 against my 85...

But your 15 against my 85...

But, gentlemen, Riza is right.

But, still, really a cool guy. Very funny.

But, you know, your father, family, apparently will kill me.

But... there's still a door there.

Call me later. There is no later for Salima, or for you...

Can't this wait until after the gig?

Careful with that.

Celine Dion.

Chief, this is for you.

Christina Aguilera occasionally.

Come on! Whoo!

Come on.

Come on. Babe, please.

Come on. Bring it down!

Come on. For my kid. For my girl.

Come on. Go loud with me, bro.

Come on. Go loud with us. Let's go.

Come on. This is just a short two hour...

Come through here at Christmastime. It's all lit up.

Come together, right now, over her.

Connected to who?

Conning checks from losers.

Copy that.

Could you please turn down the Boogie Oogie Oogie Oogie?

Courage?

Daddy bear took her out of the show, and she quit.

Daddy, nobody tours Afghanistan.

Dancing on the edge of the volcano.

Deviated septum... that I still have.

Do I look like a milkman?

Do I look like... Do I look like I use string?

Do the whole thing.

Do you get it?

Do you like Mexican?

Do you remember where we first met?

Does this mean we're not in a war zone here?

Don't do the Marilyn wig thing with the scarves.

Don't want to head into town in the dark, even with a Humvee and body armor.

Door number one. That's you.

Downside... Miss Merci's pulling an early retirement.

Dree!

Each one of 'em a huge star.

Escort you off the stage.

Eternal death.

Every fucking body's at the Volcan.

Everything all right? I have to go to work.

Everything in our lives has led us to this time, this place.

Everything that we have...

Everything's here. It's all boxed real nice.

Face to face? I own him.

Fans, who saved all month to come and hear Stevie Nicks sing.

Figure something out, man. I don't know.

Finally, I can't stand it anymore.

First little bump in the road, and Mr. Richie's just giving up,

First you lose your girl.

Five bucks good? We good?

Fleetwood Mac.

For a musical tour going through here,

For hanging two Taliban guys upside down by their feet.

Forgive me.

Forgive me. No.

Forty million units.

Fried.

From now on, let's...

From the moment you heard me sing,

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Get a room at the back away from the street and potential flying glass.

Get me the hell out of here now. Okay, Private?

Get out of my way.

Get out!

Get up! Yo, anybody hit? Anybody hit?

Give me a second. His Ronnie is gone.

Give me some... Here, I found five more bucks. Give me...

Give me... That one's clean.

Globally, in all markets.

Go find yourself a rich man while you still can.

God, you are really crazy about me, aren't you?

Goddamn beautiful this time of year.

Going downtown?

Good girl.

Good luck, sir.

Got Captain Crunch, Lucky Charms.

Great. A flat tire.

Half of southern Afghanistan back in the day.

Hang on. It gets worse.

Hangin' up my hot pants.

Hashish? No. Never again.

Have a much better handle on the whole karma, life/death thing.

Have been talking at us for far too long.

He believes in you. Oh, my God.

He comes to take my village, and he wants us to grow the poppy.

He is favorite.

He is not on our side.

He kept screaming about it.

He threw in these awesome CDs.

He... Is he proud? He's got to be.

He's got an incredible sense of humor. Get him out in the world.

He's very good.

Heads up.

Hell flight!

Hells, yeah. For a ton of money.

Herat, Mazar e Sharif, two nights in Kunduz, Kabul.

Here we are.

Here we are.

Here you go.

Here, man, take it.

Here's our contract. The only one we'll ever have. Ever.

Hey, an old friend.

Hey, boss. How about lunch?

Hey, bub. Hey, bub.

Hey, did I tell you my Stevie Nicks story? Oh, God.

Hey, guess what. We're shopping here.

Hey, he will put your head on a spike.

Hey, hon. Can't go out that way.

Hey, let's spread out and find your Ronnie.

Hey, remember, we got that thing at Pogo's tonight.

Hey, you're preaching to the choir,

Hey!

Hey! The fuck you going?

Hey! The fuck?

Hey.

Hey. Bombay Brian just got out of jail...

Hey. Hey! Are you a taxi?

Hey. Private Barnes.

Hey. Uncle Rich, we've got to get out of here. We've got something better than this.

Hi.

Hi.

High.

Hippie chic stuff. This is the...

Ho Hold it.

Hold it right there, Salima.

Honey, I saw the audience.

Horses. Horses, Mr. Richie.

House of pain.

How about for your country?

How about if I punch a hole through your heart right now?

How dare you my daughter insult?

How do you know that she's gonna be here?

How much money you got?

How the hell good am I if I can't break a talent like that?

How you feelin', boss?

Huge competition for our singers.

Huge competition for our singers.

Hurry up! Ann Coulter's gonna dance next!

I ain't never seen any shit like this before, sir. Good for you.

I already know.

I am going to brain this guy.

I am her manager.

I am not a loser.

I am not dumb.

I am supposed to be here.

I am talking about US, NGO dough. NATO.

I am tired of war, and I cannot afford the peace.

I am your partner with this girl, but I bet on you, Richie.

I appreciate your passion, but...

I assume you'll take a bullet to the foot.

I assume you'll take a personal check.

I bought it off of John Cougar Mellencamp.

I can feel when it's working.

I can see it.

I can't feel my lower lip.

I come here for the waitress.

I come out, throw a hijab around you,

I consider you my new friend in Afghanistan.

I could get you in a bidding situation.

I did have Eddie Money, but it was back when he was Eddie Mahoney.

I dig the suit. Retro.

I don't have a choice. None.

I don't know if they're, like, bad.

I don't know why she doesn't do it.

I don't know.

I don't like the tone of your voice.

I don't really... see that now.

I don't think you know quite what you're talking about.

I don't want string. I don't use string. Okay?

I got an idea.

I got nothin'. I've got nothin' for you, guys.

I got that one. Here.

I got to go check something. Fuses or watts or something.

I gotta go. Mmm.

I had a killer arrangement for the finals.

I have a lot of emotion tied into it.

I have always found a way. I always will.

I have no money, no passport...

I hear 'em, and I sign 'em.

I heard a girl singing just now.

I just got to know.

I just wanna take one of these.

I know who's the best, 'cause I heard the winner here last night.

I know, 'cause my daddy told me that.

I know. My staff knows.

I like what you've done with your hair, sir.

I like your dress.

I look her in the eye. I say:

I love this song. ♪ I do not feel ashamed ♪

I love you more.

I love you, Daddy!

I love you.

I made a few bucks.

I may have been burgled.

I mean, he just goes on, sir.

I mean, I'm just a hustler from LA.

I mean, she was something.

I must celebrate my God with my singing.

I must go to Kabul.

I must go to Kabul. I must.

I must honor him with my music.

I must speak.

I nailed a couple of hot publicists.

I need a shower. Of course, sir.

I never discovered Madonna.

I never do this.

I never handled a real headliner.

I promise you will feel it.

I run over to her, grab her by the shoulders.

I see that none of you are cable or satellite subscribers.

I suggest you come back...

I suggest you go down to the Chinese whorehouse on Chicken Street.

I sure do.

I think that it's May. Kandahar rocks in May.

I think you are a smart man, Mr. Richie, and a good one.

I told you.

I want two of these. This one or this one?

I want you to consider me...

I was about to fall asleep before that.

I was going to tell you. Really.

I watched that crowd.

I will leave you broken, drooling

I will protect her.

I will see you tomorrow.

I will talk.

I...

I... Uh...

I'll find somewhere else for five, I promise you.

I'll grab a beer. She's around here somewhere. Just keep looking, okay?

I'm glad you speak the language.

I'm going to head directly to the Kasbah...

I'm going to hurl.

I'm gonna go make a deal.

I'm gonna see you guys after at the after party. Right?

I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

I'm gonna walk out of here with a serious nest egg...

I'm kidding.

I'm losing it, Richie. What the... What is this?

I'm Merci with an I.

I'm not a fighter. I'm a deal maker.

I'm representing. I'm here to negotiate.

I'm sorry. Body armor?

I'm sorry. This is what I do.

I'm stuck in Kabul, and and Ronnie left...

I'm supposed to tour with my act.

I'm sure you know how to fix it.

I'm thinking.

I'm trying to look at the skyline here. Thank you.

I've already put this one in my mouth. I'm keeping that one.

I've got nothing, fellas. Nothin'.

I've heard the greatest! I've heard the best!

IED puffed a local on Flower Street.

If I bring an unmarried Pashtun girl in my building,

If Salima will be only singing in English.

If she goes back to the village, Richie,

If the ministry of information doesn't throw me in jail,

If the ulema doesn't shut us down,

If you let this girl sing on national TV,

If you really know talent,

If you'll have me...

In a cave above your village.

In all markets, all endeavors.

In all the excitement, I forgot to congratulate you.

In maybe an hour and a half or so.

In my country we often say thank you with a song.

In that truck is all the ammunition you will ever need.

International language of love. Yes?

Is a little of that Richie Lanz closing magic.

Is he... Is he stiffing me?

Is my act.

Is that we are tied up here in Kabul.

Is that, ultimately, you are our arms man, and you are in trouble.

Is there a lost and found?

It has been known to happen.

It is an incredible honor, Mr. Richie.

It just hit me.

It looks pretty bad for Richie Lanz from the cheap seats,

It rocks! It totally rocks.

It was long before Two Tickets To Paradise.

It wasn't supposed to end this way.

It'd be great for her village, for her family, for her people,

It's a big, big hit.

It's a flesh wound. Walk it off. Let's go.

It's a hell flight.

It's a million to one shot.

It's a unit of measurement in the desert.

It's insane. Billions... Billions are pouring into this bitch.

It's just to cover wardrobe, studio time, gym classes.

It's made in Taiwan. You didn't make this.

It's made in Taiwan. You didn't make this.

It's Miss Merci's 401(k) retirement tour.

It's okay. They're Pashtun.

It's pretty good, huh? Smooth.

It's ridiculous! Woodstock...

It's safe as milk.

It's the Rumours tour.

It's there! It's there! Whoa!

It's what I got. It's all I got.

It's what we do, right? It's why we're here. Mm hmm.

It's worth the wait.

Jimi Hendrix played The Star Spangled Banner...

Just a handshake. That's all I've ever had.

Just asking for you to give her a chance.

Just Be cool, bro. Papers.

Just come home.

Just consider it a lifetime achievement award.

Just like the Mannix car from the TV show.

Just save that for us. I feel like that was our special deal.

Just the fact that her coming here, it's done.

Kabul?

Keith Haring, 1987.

Kenny Loggins? You're still playing?

Kill him. Kill this fool now.

Land mine blew up two goats few blocks over.

Last leg.

Legendary ears.

Let me do the talking.

Let me get a round of drinks and one for our boy here?

Let's get out of here.

Let's get serious. What's it gonna take for all of this to go away?

Let's go back to Kabul.

Let's go. Get up! Get up! Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's get out of here.

Let's take a look.

Life's about seeing an open door and walking right through it.

Like a hillbilly snake handler.

Like dime store ones.

Like I said, we can and will make that happen for you.

Like right now. Ahora. Right the fuck now.

Like your American Idol.

Linda Ronstadt, ZZ Top,

Lip Incorporate, Madonna...

Look at that.

Look at that. Look at all of that.

Look at us now, huh? The goddamn ammo kings of Kabul! Who would have fucking figured?

Look, check my... Here. Who combs their hair?

Look, I think what he's trying to say...

Look, Mr. Bombay...

Look, Rich, the US Embassy, if pushed, can issue...

Look... And yet, she knows this,

Madonna? Please. Donna.

Maps! Maps!

Maps! Maps! Maps!

Markets, restaurants, tourist spots, anything outside of your hotel...

May I ask you one favor?

May I hide from the wind over here?

May. What?

Maybe. You know, probably.

Me and this Pashtun girl, we're in the hot tub with two guys.

Merci, just shut up. Put on a tube top.

Met is an understatement.

Mexican's fine.

Milk? Do these look like milk trucks?

Miss Merci.

Miss Merci.

Miss Nicki Minaj.

Miss Stevie. I'm nobody, but I'm a fan.

Miss Whitney Houston.

Miss, would you mind moving?

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. That we can trust.

Money. Power. Maybe opium.

More of a deal breaker than a negotiation.

Mr. Lanz, this hotel is not MOSS...

Mr. Richie!

Mr. Richie... Heads up. Heads up. What do you got?

Must be some sort of festival or something.

My all time guy would simply tell us,

My ears.

My gal's got a big show tonight.

My handshake is my word.

My posthumous book... I wonder what you'll call it.

My star...

My thousand dollars.

My treat. They have great shopping here.

Nail that last verse one last time. Ignore him. You be you.

NATO, UN personnel,

Nick, Jake.

No and no.

No contract.

No questions asked. No.

No worries. We're good to go.

No, I can get that one. Thank you. All right.

No, I think... Uh, everything but the, uh... the money. It's good.

No, I want this thing here. I want the animal. Okay?

No, no, no. He is the real Dark Lord, dude.

No, no, no. My man, my man, my man.

No, no, no. Who sings the disco?

No, Pashtun women cannot.

No, she just left. She wrote a note.

No! You do not lecture me about courage, about my country.

No. I want to go home.

No. Impossible.

No. No, I don't, uh... Thank you.

No. No, we shall not.

None of that's true. I mean, apparently there was a soldier.

Nope.

Not enough?

Not getting blown to hell.

Not her. You.

Not my passion. Salima's passion.

Not sacred.

Not the dying part. The living.

Not wearing underwear.

Not you. Not an American.

Nothing. It's a Mexican quaalude.

Now come on back here with me.

Now I think she's wearing wigs. And cheap ones. Really.

Now it's mixed in there. That's the color. Which one's better, this or this?

Now yes, it's a little bit out of town,

Now you're gonna lose your head.

Now you're just being cruel. Aren't you?

Now, I have an 80 20...

Now, it's only good for a year, but it will get you home.

Now, Salima...

Now.

Now's a good time to be sick.

Obviously we did. We thought about you.

Obviously, some asshole has changed the goddamn locks on me,

Of child support you owe me, you pathetic piece of shit.

Of course you do, hon.

Officer.

Oh, come on. It's a flat tire.

Oh, God.

Oh, I go to a gym.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, my book. My book. You mean my posthumous book.

Oh, personal check.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sure, sure.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, God. Oh!

Oh?

Oh.

Oh. Geez. Sure. Of course.

Oh. Mr. Richie.

Oh. Sure. Sure.

Okay, but I'm gonna want 20%.

Okay, but they don't know, right?

Okay, is this our talk? Because you promised me...

Okay, then I'll just go to the mall...

Okay, what we're looking for...

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I'm hearing you.

Okay. Let 'em hear you.

Okay. Very quickly. A key is to know what the other guy wants.

On Sunset.

On TV.

One day.

One thousand. American. Now.

Opening for Demi goddamn Lovato and that Solange?

Or lawyer client.

Or not.

Or your country.

Or, uh, do you go by Mumbai now?

People blowing up all over the place, a million miles from home. Dirty. Stinky.

Phantom, Cats.

Phone calls have been made, to Dubai!

Pick you up, take you to Camp Phoenix for tonight's show.

Pink Floyd. The Eagles.

Playing in your town and a number of others.

Please don't hang up. I'm in a jam. Syl, please. Wait.

Possibly to a junior executive suite.

Pretty good.

Probably your first hostage rescue, huh?

Puts us both in a palace in the hills, my friend.

Puts us both in a palace in the hills, my friend.

Quit? You quit. It was that easy for you to walk away.

Raise it. There we are.

Rich, these... These are the very good guys, okay?

Richie Lanz checking in.

Richie Lanz, I fought to be a winner,

Richie Lanz, our story is already written,

Richie Rosé. That's my dude!

Richie,

Richie, I want to get out of here. Mm hmm.

Richie, it was all a setup. Do you hear me?

Richie, shut up. Listen to me.

Richie, the judges want to know...

Richie, this, right now... This will be the best part.

Richie, you're all right.

Richie! Where are you going?

Richie? Richie?

Richie. You will.

Richie... You shrug off the shawl,

Right over there.

Right, right. Do the whole circuit...

Right. Are you still there?

Rise and shine, songbird.

Riza, Richie Lanz is about one thing, one thing only.

Ronnie Smiler, everybody.

Ronnie.

Rula, babe.

Rumi writes,

Salima is in danger.

Salima Khan!

Salima Khan!

Salima Khan!

Salima Khan!

Salima Khan! Salima Khan!

Salima!

Salima!

Save the rest for the after party.

Say it with me. Volcan! Volcan!

Scared is normal. Scared is okay.

Scary smart.

See you soon. Gotta go.

See? We are cursed.

Seems to have vamoosed with my passport...

Seriously. No way.

Shame. Dishonor.

She begged you to let her sing her own songs.

She did it! You did it! We're in!

She does the Muslim West. That's it.

She has the gift. She has the magic. I know it.

She is still in Kabul. Trust me.

She is? Truly?

She learned from a seriously wounded American GI...

She left a note.

She stole my wallet. She took my wallet, my money, my passport.

She was really something.

She's got to get her rest.

She's risked her life. Come on.

She's, like, a whore, an infidel, whatever.

She's, uh, in the shower, I think.

Shit.

Since we were put here on this earth,

Since you found me in the cave,

Singing Cat Stevens in English.

Singing for spare change in front of Hamburger Hamlet.

Six months ago, we were Herbalife salesmen.

Slinking back to his little Van Nuys world.

Smooth.

So $1,200?

So I guess that's a no.

So it's two things. My ears and signing.

So only Cat Stevens?

So simple.

So they're able to keep the prices really low.

So you gave them your guns.

So you keep that one. We'll call it square.

So you'll represent me?

So you're just gonna have to trust me on this, Richie.

So? So...

So... you wanna say something?

Somebody is not going to like that.

Something with some size,

Something you were gonna spring on me?

Soon to be in Beverly Hills.

Sounds like someone from Lord of the Rings.

Sparkly, huh?

Stay in it till I get here. See you at 1900 hours.

Stevie can't go on.

Stevie won't go on.

Stop it right now.

Stop. Stop!

Stop. Stop! And to hear her voice...

Stop. What?

Strings. Gospel choir.

Stroll back to the mike, go down, a full knee drop.

Sure, I'll be there. Good.

Sure. We have time.

Sweetie, your dad was a rock tour manager...

Sweetness and light.

Synthetic?

Take over the village, and you've got to do something.

Talent manager of Van Nuys, California.

Taxi.

Tea? Yes. And then dinner.

Technically, the daddy did threaten to cut off my head.

Thank you for your sacrifice.

Thank you so much. Thanks. Appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, bro.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Yes.

Thanks for not killing me.

Thanks for the tip, honey.

That are illegal in every civilized nation in the world.

That girl has talent.

That left the Alamo.

That sings on national TV in this country?

That was before his lambkin made it to the final round.

That way.

That's a binding contract, sacred in my world!

That's a good plan. That's a great plan.

That's about $15,000.

That's been stepped on by a preexisting 70 30.

That's enough.

That's final. Maps! Maps!

That's for you. Brand new. There you go.

That's half my fee. She said you'd pay me the rest.

That's me, man. I book those things.

That's never happened before.

The '85 Bangles tour was a death trip.

The Bee Gees. Saturday Night Fever album.

The deal was safe as milk.

The deal was...

The dying part?

The faucet is open.

The first thing I do when I arrive,

The fuck you going? Get that gear out of the car.

The fucking truck is on fire. Get out of there!

The girl in the red burka. We saw her today.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

The mission today is a simple stop and drop.

The mujahideen warlords.

The nation, the world, women everywhere.

The one that you're gonna make all the money off of...

The parade goes right through here. It's beautiful.

The way she sang last night, she could have won it all!

Then do something.

Then it is Allah's will, and we shall die together.

There are four sacred bonds in this life:

There are more death threats on this show than singers.

There is no we. I'm done with you.

There was her name on the ballot with a phone number to call. Yes.

There will be another season, Mr. Lanz.

There'll be no Richie 35 on this one.

There'll be Richie 15, and we're still both gonna do great.

There's a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.

There's a million mercenary memoirs out there.