Swiss Army Man (2016) Edit

A friend, a girlfriend, or a dog.

A life full of parties and friends and...

Aah! Manny, run!

Ah, it's not funny.

Ah, Manny, no. That's weird.

Ah, that's okay.

Ah, we could start a band.

Ah, yeah. Yeah. So do you.

Ah, you're the grossest thing in this gross world.

Ah.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh! [laughing]

All right, man, that's enough, okay?

All the things in life that everyone else gets to have

All you have to do is talk to her.

Am I dead?

And all the things I thought I didn't deserve to have till I met you.

And and maybe there'd even be a girl.

And and that's where your brain is,

And bury you in some unmarked grave.

And discoloration on the abdomen tells me he's probably a bridge jumper.

And even if she was right,

And everyone will feel a little bit less alone.

And for some reason, I feel like this might go on forever.

And go home and eat a whole box of pizza by myself.

And have twins with her and work two jobs

And he has these powers,

And he won't masturbate, 'cause it makes him think about his mom.

And how I'd learned to play the guitar,

And I don't know if that's a thing that happens or if I'm just weird,

And I know I know it sounds dumb, but I...

And I was too scared to tell you the truth,

And I'm gonna be all buff from carrying you around.

And I've been stranded out on an island in the Pacific all alone!

And in the daily reproduction of sperm,

And it was beautiful.

And looks out the window lost in her thoughts.

And maybe all it'll take is one person to just be okay with that,

And maybe if we can just find a way for me to remember her,

And maybe your soul leaving you?

And never go home?

And Sarah...

And save all of mankind.

And smelly and useless and old.

And sneak into my dad's stash.

And so even though masturbation makes him happy,

And so it makes him upset to think about her.

And so neither of us is saying anything,

And so now, when you masturbate,

And so she said this ridiculous thing.

And sometimes thoughts become other thoughts.

And spend the rest of my life with,

And squeezes it out of your butt.

And that's Manny.

And that's where you're going to remember something.

And that's why, on average, males have shorter life spans,

And the hairs on the back of my neck will stand up, and I can save you.

And then all your shit's gonna get mixed in with everyone else's shit

And then my mom saw that I was crying,

And then one thing led to another, and then suddenly I had a friend,

And then she can ride my gas to wherever she wants to go.

And then the whole world will be dancing and singing and farting,

And then you're gonna shit yourself.

And then your cells will shit themselves,

And there's no I.D. on the body,

And they might laugh at us.

And they might think we're weird, but it doesn't matter what they think.

And they're the only reason that I'm standing here today,

And this is a thought,

And this is my best friend Hank.

And turn around. Here's the camera.

And two. Breathe.

And watch her get off the bus

And we could build a house in the trees.

And we sang, and we danced...

And we were lost out there in the woods for a very long time,

And we'll have something to look forward to, you know?

And what would make you happy right now?

And when nobody comes to claim the body, because nobody ever does,

And why does that thought make me feel so alone?

And why does that thought make me feel so alone?

And you feel a strange tingle up the back of your neck.

And you used to be one of them.

And you'd have to get a second job to pay the bills,

And you'd imagine

And you'd tell her she looks even more beautiful with gray hairs.

And your heart would start pounding as it all rushes back to you,

And your mom probably told you to wash your hands,

And your mouth will stop chewing and your blood will stop pumping...

And your name?

And, bam, the the hairs would stand up on the back of your neck,

And, oh, God, why am I shaking now?

And, that way, we could die on the exact same day and never be apart.

Are Are you remembering anything?

Are you dressed up for Halloween?

Are you excited to see everyone when you get home?

Are you ready? We are going live in five minutes.

Are you sitting alone?

Back in civilization, there's 7 billion other living people on the planet

Because I'm just a scared, ugly, useless person.

Because I'm scared.

Because it helps us survive... kind of.

Because it makes me think about my mom, people laugh at you.

Because it's weird.

Because life is short, and no one deserves to ride the bus alone.

Because obviously no one cared about this son of a bitch to begin with.

Because only huge, scary things take poops that big.

Because then my organs are going to shit themselves.

Because then someday some of your shit

Because they... you know.

Because you'd be going camping all the time with your family, and...

Better get a move on.

Boobs and vaginas, butts.

Boobs, vaginas, and butts.

Both in the in the orgasm

Buddy, I need you.

Bumping into her on the street and whisking her off her feet.

Buses are for people who don't know each other.

But as I was hanging up there...

But he just doesn't...

But I could tell he felt bad,

But I did see you.

But I guess it probably feels a lot like the wind in your hair

But I have this sudden urge to put my mouth on your mouth.

But I need to tell you something first.

But I sound retarded.

But I wish I was dead again.

But I'm just a lonely, loser weirdo, really?

But if I think about your mom when I masturbate,

But maybe everyone's a little bit ugly.

But my dad...

But now that I've seen her,

But she doesn't have to be. You could talk to her.

But something tells me she is the one I'm supposed to bump into

But that's fun. Making people laugh is great.

But there was always something there,

But this is my phone, Manny, not yours.

But this is my phone, Manny, not yours.

But we survived, because I have special powers.

But we've tried all of those things.

But when you're when you're truly comfortable with someone,

But you don't know what to say,

But you look mysterious, and girls like mysterious.

But you look mysterious, and girls like mysterious.

But you ran away 'cause nobody loves you?

But you wouldn't care, because...

But, you know, that eventually went away.

Calm down. It's okay.

Cameraman: Five, four, three, two...

Can anybody hear me?!

Can I see her again?

Can you come with me?

Cheese puffs?

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Stay with me.

Cook dinner together.

Crissie, come out right now!

Crissie, get inside.

Crissie, get inside.

Crissie, let Mommy talk, okay?

Crissie, let Mommy talk, okay?

Crissie!

Crissie!

Cue the music.

D don't say that word. I didn't...

Did you see the way she looked at me?

Do not go anywhere.

Do you have any idea what people back at home would think

Don't be afraid.

Don't die.

Don't worry Don't worry about that.

Don't you?

Dress up?

Embarrassed?

Every day, you ride the bus and count the minutes,

Everybody dies.

Everybody reads about it when they're a kid.

Everybody's gonna want to hear our story,

Everyone! We're having a party!

Everyone's shit mixing,

Everything poops. There's a book.

Everything you left behind. Your jaw hangs open.

Excuse me. Ma'am, I have something I need to show you.

Focus. Are we going the right way?

From the first day we met, you've been pushing me and poking me,

Fuck.

Girl: Hello.

Girls must be so nice if they let guys do all those things to them.

Go! Go! Go!

God knows I've tried,

Good luck on your interview.

Hank, I have something to say to you, too.

Hank, please.

Hank, something's...

Hank, thanks to you,

Hank, uh, when you... you know,

Hank, what are you trying to do to me? What would your mother think?

Hank, what if I knew her?

Hank, when I masturbate, I'm gonna think about your mom.

Hank, where are you?!

Hank: Ahh!

Hank: Manny.

Hank: Wait.

Hank.

Hank.

Hank. Hank! That's a dead body.

Happy.

He didn't believe in that stuff, so my dad said,

He didn't really know how to say sorry,

He got really upset.

He probably wouldn't even know I was gone.

He saved my life with his amazing body,

He was lost in the woods. He needs help.

He won't do it.

He'll spend two weeks in the morgue

He's Manny. He used to be dead.

Heh. That was funny.

Heh. That was really funny.

Hello, world!

Hello, world.

Hello!

Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Hello, everybody.

Hello. Hey. Hey.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help.

Her name might have been... Jessie.

Here. Come sit down, okay?

Hey, buddy.

Hey, hey, hey. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop singing.

Hey, Manny. Manny, don't be stupid.

Hey, nothing's happening, Hank. You think I'm broken?

Hey, you talk however you want.

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Look over here! Please help us!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey! Hey, you okay?!

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. I didn't mean that.

Hey. Let's just...

Hey. Manny.

Hey...

Hhh... nk.

Hi, Manny. I'm Hank. Um...

Hi.

Hiiii.

Hmm?

Ho Oh, no. It's stopping.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy...

Holy...

Hoping you'll see her again.

How 'bout if I put my penis in you?

How come I never get to see you do any of those things?

How did you do that?

How do you expect anyone to want to talk to you if you sound retarded?

How do you hide your thoughts, and why do we have to hide everything?

How you got here? Where we are?

How you saved me?

How'd you get so far from home?

How'd you sleep?

Huh? Come on!

Humans have evolved over millions and millions of years to be this way.

Hurry, before you starve and die.

I I ran away, but that's...

I also feel like you have something to say,

I am gonna ride the bus every day.

I am weird.

I bet you masturbate a lot.

I bet you probably did the same thing,

I called for help.

I can't believe we're talking about this.

I can't get her out of my head,

I can't talk to her now.

I did it.

I didn't even wanna be with me.

I didn't really see much of anything.

I didn't think someone like her would ever wanna be with me.

I do. But right now, I need you to be quiet.

I don't know exactly what masturbation is or how it works,

I don't know Jurassic Park.

I don't know why,

I don't know, man.

I don't know. I thought...

I don't know. Is this crying?

I don't like it.

I don't think so. You're talking.

I got you.

I gotta go.

I had always hoped that right before I die...

I have a lot of questions about all the things you just said.

I have this feeling, and I don't know what to call it.

I have this friend called Hank

I have to pee.

I hope I sent him an automated card every day.

I just had a thought about a thought.

I just think his mom would want him to be happy.

I just wanted to check in, make sure you're okay. You all right?

I just wanted to give you

I know those are fucking cars. I'm talking about life.

I mean, before the Internet, every girl was a lot more special.

I mean, he ought to show it sometimes.

I mean, I always forgot his as well,

I mean, we tried the whole calling each other on our birthdays thing,

I need you, your special compass.

I probably would have done it myself eventually.

I really screwed you up, didn't I?

I really thought for a moment that...

I sound like my dad.

I think she was trying to be funny.

I think she'd be happy somebody loves me.

I think you're the one.

I thought you wanted me to start talking again.

I thought you were dead.

I understand.

I used to be dead, but then he brought me back to life,

I used to lie there.

I wanna have sex.

I want this to stop.

I was being an asshole.

I was too embarrassed.

I wish you all could have been there.

I wish you all could have seen it.

I won't let them take you away.

I won't let them take you to some morgue

I would probably wait,

I would...

I wouldn't have been able to jack off fast enough to catch up.

I...

I'd have to go digging under the bushes by the freeway

I'm a useless...

I'm gonna get to see her soon... for real.

I'm gonna show Sarah how much I care about her every single day.

I'm I'm just thinking.

I'm lost!

I'm not a sack of shit?

I'm not very good at this.

I'm scared, 'cause I think if I die, I might really miss you.

I'm scary, Hank. I guess I was wrong.

I'm singing a song so you won't overthink things.

I'm sorry if this makes me weird or you don't understand,

I'm sorry, Hank.

I'm sorry, Hank. I'm just saying the things in my head.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have to go.

I'm your multipurpose tool guy.

I'm...

I've never been happier.

If I died out here,

If I masturbated enough, I could catch up to her

If you don't know Jurassic Park, you don't know shit.

Imagine them without their clothes on.

Is a girl I saw on the bus every day,

Is gonna meet up with some of my shit,

Is that true?

Is that why you don't fart in front of me?

Is that your name?

It automatically sends me a birthday card every year,

It happens to everyone.

It has less of an effect.

It really feels like it's my fault.

It sounds like you're not allowed to do anything back there.

It was me.

It's a song I wrote for you.

It's all right.

It's all so exciting, isn't it?

It's called masturbation.

It's diminishing returns and whatever.

It's everything people don't want, so we hide it.

It's kinda like sex.

It's late.

It's like I feel like even though I'm on top of you right now,

It's like the the law of diminishing returns.

It's like you said, love is bringing me back to life.

It's normally full of these things called cheese puffs.

It's not healthy to fixate on these things.

It's nothing special.

It's okay. Calm down.

It's supposed to, sure.

It's wet and uncomfortable,

Jessie.

Just breathe. This is normal.

Just please...

Just running around and blinking and breathing and eating,

Just trust me.

Just trust me.

Just try to think about happy thoughts.

Just wait here.

Just, you know, whatever comes naturally.

Laura Dern, the Brachiosaurus.

Laura...

Let me eat you.

Let's have a party.

Let's just take this away for a second.

Like to do it alone or hold it in.

Like, just the very beginning...

Like, you and Jessie would probably stay at home together all the time,

Little tipsy. [chuckles]

Look right into it. Your friends are gonna see you.

Look, I just don't do it very much.

Look, sometimes when you do something too many times,

Look.

Look... I needed you to help me get home,

Mah... ehh.

Mahn... ehh.

Mahn... ehh.

Make up little love stories for each of them.

Making me spit, making me cry.

Man: This is some fucked up shit.

Manny, don't say that. She just doesn't understand.

Manny, help me get home.

Manny, hey.

Manny, I have something amazing to show you,

Manny, I need to tell you something. You...

Manny, I should tell you the truth. I'm not really good at this stuff.

Manny, I think my love story is bringing you back to life!

Manny, I think your penis is guiding us home.

Manny, I'm sorry I got upset.

Manny, let go of me!

Manny, people aren't supposed to talk about this stuff.

Manny, please, no more feelings right now.

Manny, please. I'm going to die.

Manny, stop.

Manny, that That was between us.

Manny, this is just another power your body has.

Manny, this is just the beginning.

Manny, this is what fear looks like.

Manny, we have to try to think about something else.

Manny, whatever you are doing, please stop.

Manny, you have no idea how nice that sounds.

Manny, you idiot.

Manny: Can I look at her again?

Manny: Can I look at her again?

Manny: Hi.

Manny: Oh, wow.

Manny! Shut up! You don't know the real world, Manny.

Manny?

Manny? Manny, there you are.

Manny.

Manny.

Manny.

Manny.

Manny.

Manny.

Manny. Manny!

Manny. Manny.

Manny...

Manny...

Manny... just look at them.

Manny... look at me.

Masturbating makes people happy?

Maybe Maybe your...

Maybe she's my friend,

Maybe that's just something the brain invents to survive.

Maybe we should just stay out here.

Maybe you could dress up, like before,

Maybe you could finally talk to her, Hank.

Maybe you fell in radioactive waste,

Maybe...

Morning, Hank.

Mr. Thompson: Hank!

My eyeballs can't see as well.

My life would flash before my eyes and I would see wonderful things...

My mom used to sing this song to me when I couldn't sleep

My name is Hank Thompson,

My name is Manny.

My name is S...

My name's Manny,

Neither of us were good at talking.

No, I it's not gross.

No, I need to go first.

No, I Really?

No, it's okay. This happens to everybody. This happens to everybody, it's normal.

No, listen. Sarah...

No, Manny, shh! Manny, stop singing!

No, Manny, we need to find food.

No, Manny.

No, Manny. It's not your fault.

No, my body is disgusting. It's horrible!

No, no, no, no, no. That's just a picture of a girl on a phone.

No, no, no, the other people will stare at you if you sing,

No, no, you sound great.

No, no. No, no, no, you're not disgusting.

No, please. Please.

No, really, I'm scared.

No, that's not it.

No, w we're just a little dirty and tired.

No, you asshole. Stop it.

No, you're amazing.

No! Manny!

No! No. Oh, come on...

No. I just...

No. No, hey, bud, you're the best at this. Okay?

No. No, I didn't mean that.

No. No, no, no. No.

No. No.

No. Uh...

Normally when you go on a date with a girl,

Not now, Manny.

Nothing big, and and you'd have twins,

Nothing. We just need some help.

Now can I see her?

Now you're not.

Now, why would you ever say no to that?

Of course I do.

Officer: All right, let's go.

Officer: Oh, Jesus.

Oh, fuck. They're gonna see everything.

Oh, God, I'm disgusting!

Oh, Hank, I think I think I'm feeling fear.

Oh, I like that. Singing.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no! Hank, I'm so sorry. Please, let me try again.

Oh, right. Nobody loves you.

Oh, shit.

Oh, Super Manny, save me!

Oh, that, no. I...

Oh, this is what I look like when I'm happy.

Oh, when I get back home,

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you look like shit.

Oh, you're the worst.

Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. [gasping laughter]

Oh. And I watch the world go by.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Oh. Okay.

Oh. Uh...

Oh. Uh...

Oh. You see that?

Ohh!

Ohh! Ahh!

Ohh. That's not funny.

Okay, buddy?

Okay, buddy.

Okay, can you remember anything about before, y your life?

Okay, Manny, it's not about sex. Okay? It's...

Okay, maybe you talk to her.

Okay, now put it on her hand.

Okay, that's called kissing, but you can't do that yet.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I wanna look at her.

Okay. I'm trying to remember.

Okay. What is life?

Oof!

Ooh.

Ooh.

Or dancing with your friends

Or driving really fast in a car

Or extra when they're scared or sick

Or I'm just hallucinating from starvation.

Or maybe you were a special genetically engineered soldier

Or my girlfriend or my wife.

Or riding the bus

Or right when they die, because, uh, you shit your pants when you die.

Or singing your favorite song

Or taking a bite out of your favorite food

People die every day.

People don't like other people's farts.

People poop every day.

Phone is beautiful.

Pick up my hand.

Please don't be dead. Come on.

Please don't be dead. You okay?

Please don't tell Sarah how much I loved her.

Please, I just need you to wake up!

Please, I'm sorry. Please don't stop.

Please?

Please.

Poop is when your body takes everything it doesn't want

Propelled by his f...

Raah!

Really hard to come by a magazine like that when I was a kid.

Remember when you put that cork in my butt?

Right this way. Turn around. Right this way.

Sarah Johnson.

Sarah: Come on.

Sarah.

Sarah.

Sarah.

Sarah...

See that? That wasn't so bad.

See, everybody has their own special tastes.

She died shortly after.

She had a weird sense of humor.

She said that she was 40 and I was 11 and,

She sits alone, just like every other day,

She smiles,

She's right there. You're not gonna do anything?

Shh.

Shit. Uh, n...

Should I just go back to being dead?

Sign a one year lease together.

Sir, stop!

Sir, where are you going?

Sir, you've gotta get out of the river.

Sleep well.

Smelly. Old.

So I could remember?

So I guess my brain is just weird, too?

So I guess you're gonna die now.

So I set one up, too.

So I taught him how to set up an automated birthday e card.

So I wouldn't overthink things, but I don't remember the words.

So just let me know if you need anything, okay?

So no one's ever felt this way before?

So so if you do it a lot, it adds up, and it shortens your life span,

So stop talking and stop asking questions.

So that way, he'll never forget.

So they found this phone on the body, and there are these images.

So they make fun of you for it.

So this is it.

So we just need somebody to identify the body.

So we just need somebody to identify the body.

So what are you listening to?

So what? Everything poops.

So when I say that I can't masturbate

So you listen to your own music.

So you were scared of death?

So, Hank's mom died when he was very, very little,

Some thought that was beautiful enough to keep me going.

Some website would send him a birthday card every year for the rest of his life.

Somebody help!

Something carnal inside of you causes your body to break out in sweats.

Something enormous took a dump here.

Something's going wrong with my boobs.

Sometimes it's hard for people to show how they feel.

Sometimes you might be lucky enough to bump into the one person

Stand right here. Don't go anywhere.

Stare out the window.

Stupid.

Talk to me. Please. Speak up, Manny.

Tell her you'd love to sit next to her today and every other day,

Thank you.

Thanks for your help, kind of.

Thanks, Jonathan. We're here live

That eventually your eyes are gonna stop blinking

That gets stuck in your head.

That has just made me have another feeling, and I...

That maybe, just maybe there was a reason that you...

That must be where he found him, so actually checks out.

That sounds kind of nice,

That their kids look at that kind of stuff.

That's a a phone.

That's bad talking.

That's empty.

That's her name?

That's her real life. Can we talk about it later?!

That's like a letter you get on your phone.

That's poop.

That's retarded.

That's so sad!

That's so sad.

That's stupid.

That's too fast.

That's very good.

That's what you're supposed to do.

That's why there are so many fetishes out there.

That's why they tell them they'll...

The camera pushes in.

The county can pay for a funeral no one'll show up to,

The first time my dad caught me looking at one of those magazines,

The more you're gonna see of me, the more you're not gonna like me.

The phone is on low battery with no signal.

Then a few years later, you'd You'd get married.

Then, bam, it'll all come rushing back to me,

There are other people.

There's a giant raccoon, and it's eating our food.

There's gonna be people there.

There's something stuck in between us.

These are all thoughts,

They might call us names,

They read books. They listen to music.

They'll go to hell or go blind.

They're checking it out right now.

They're going crazy.

They're gonna feed us and take care of us.

This is a thought, and this is a thought,

This is from home, where all the other people are.

This is from home.

This is how people like us get places if we're too poor to drive ourselves.

This is the life I've forgotten.

This is This is crazy.

This is This is your phone? Why Why am I in your phone?

This is what we've been fighting for, right?

This is what you look like when you're happy.

This is you.

This is your body,

This man saved me from the brink of death

This must all be really overwhelming for you,

This'll be our home.

Those are cars, Manny. If we can get down...

Thought maybe I could tap into some sense memory or something,

Thought, thought, thought.

Thoughts like, if my best friend keeps his farts from me...

Till there's nothing left of you, and then that's it.

Together.

Touching you physically,

Try these on.

Uh oh.

Uh, Hank, will you just take my head out of the window?

Uh, it expends energy,

Uh, okay.

Uh, sorry.

Uh...

Uh...

Um, sometimes, um, your fingers would be coated in orange after eating it.

Um...

Unless you were throwing one of your awesome parties.

Vodka.

W what do I talk about?

Wait! Wait for me! Wait for me!

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Wait. No.

Wait. Wait, what's supposed to happen?

Wait. What's going on?

Watch Netflix.

Watching movies. You'd You'd fall asleep on the couch,

Water! Water!