Road Trip (2000) Edit

A chosen one will experience nature's wrath,

A long distance relationship.

About Plato's dialogues of the middle years.

Absolutely not. No way. We're going back.

Actually, I double checked that, professor. He needs a B plus.

Actually, you can. But not till tomorrow.

Add our weight plus cargo, we're talking 2, 100 hundred pounds.

All men are perverted pigs.

All right, has anyone seen Beth? There she is.

All right, so we're driving.

All right. Barry says hi.

All they think about, all they really care about, is sex.

All you ever do is sit in a library

Am I a drug dealer?

Am I in the hospital?

Am I in the hospital?

An understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating.

Anal?

And be prepared to receive several heavy doses of electric current.

And by 8th grade I was in therapy three times a week.

And eventually what started out as friendship

And first thing tomorrow morning,

And funny and...

And funny and...

And funny and...

And he took off with my sister and my van.

And he's missing.

And here's yours.

And his girlfriend, Tiffany.

And I didn't want to leave this message on your machine.

And I haven't been invited back.

And I know the key to a well rounded college education

And I'm afraid I have some bad news.

And I'm happy to report that he and Beth are still together.

And I'm starting to think you don't like me anymore.

And I'm sure I'll catch you later. But call me back, okay?

And in no way does a sale constitute sexual relations.

And it was one that changed them all forever.

And it would be great if one hour went by

And it's sad

And let's just lay in the indication here and there

And nice

And no messing around, Barry, okay? Just one.

And now he's going to die.

And once again Friday morning.

And put it through your little machine again.

And she asked me to pick up her mail for her.

And she should kiss me.

And she should kiss me.

And since that happened,

And that includes marijuana.

And the scrambled eggs.

And the truth is,

And then if you qualify, you can make a sperm deposit.

And topless.

And topless. And topless.

And we could feed him half now and the other half on Saturday.

And we haven't found a single drop of semen yet.

And we will not hesitate to use it.

And we'll find whoever did this, I promise.

And you charge this frigging meal to that frigging card.

And you need a B on this test just to pass this class.

And you want me to use two fingers?

Any time you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself.

Anyway, I'm at my parents' house helping my mom out.

Apparently, Rubin is our fraternity brother

Are there any guys out there who are just normal?

Are you going to feed him?

Are you going to pass that doobie or what?

Are you here for the feeding?

Are you ready to collect?

Aren't you even curious where we're going?

As a matter of fact, I would hate a foot massage.

As for E.L.,

As for Rubin...

As we lead future generations of young men and women

As well as all of the assigned readings.

At least admit that Beth is amazing.

Austin.

Austin's in Texas, not Massachusetts.

Backslash...

Bacon. Good for you.

Barry, fast forward to the horny stuff.

Barry's last name is Manilow?

Be a little more assertive.

Be a risk taker.

Because I knew you'd get mad. See, look how mad you are.

Because I was looking over the books last night

Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.

Because if you made a copy, we could watch the copy.

Because of you, some guy's life is ruined in Boston.

Because right now we are all about the mission at hand.

Before I have you fill out these forms I need to ask you a few questions,

Before we do that, we must figure out how to get back on the road.

Before you know it, you'll be 40 and having to pay for these kind of girls.

Ben, my girlfriend's paging me. Can we let these people go?

Ben, my girlfriend's paging me. Can we let these people go?

Besides, did Tiffany ever let you videotape her?

Besides, I might need you around next semester.

Besides, we were in different area codes.

Besides...

Beth is like an angel.

Beth.

Beth.

Better make it 75.

Better make it three.

Bite him.

Blossomed into some serious French kissing and lots of heavy petting.

Bob Hope could jump this in a golf cart.

Bomb threat is serious business. It's a felony. Here, take my card.

Boston.

Bullshit, junior. He's coming with me.

But after high school, they faced their most challenging challenge ever,

But also completely undetectable by any of today's standard drug tests.

But back to our story.

But by now you're probably a little worried, so...

But do you have any marijuana I could buy from you?

But don't be scared.

But I am getting a little worried, so call when you can, okay?

But I hear it's still real nice.

But I just, I couldn't help but notice that.

But I need to tell you something.

But I promise I will explain everything when I get back.

But I watch Oprah Winfrey every day.

But it's definitely something you should hear.

But that was years ago.

But that's over now. She blew me off.

But the fact of the matter is,

But the salmon can only say

But they made a pact, a promise to stay true to each other,

But what am I supposed to do now... I mean, he's gone...

But you don't want a whole bunch of color there,

But, thanks to a certain someone, me,

By the way, Cheech.

Bye, it was great to see you.

Bye. I love you.

Call me, okay? Bye.

Call your dad?

Called in a bomb threat.

Can I drop a mouse in?

Can I hear a $5 opening bid for the beautiful Beth Wagner?

Can we please feed him now?

Can we please stop soon? I need to use the bathroom.

Can you go outbid him?

Carla, hi. It's Josh.

Cheers.

Come here.

Come in around me, everyone.

Come on, Kyle. It'll be fun.

Come on, Mitch.

Come on, out with it.

Come on, Susie.

Come on, you're going with me. Outside, in the car.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. It'll be fun.

Come on. You going to fucking eat him?

Come with us.

Confront him and his little girlfriend.

Could we just sit down for a minute?

Could you please not feed my dog?

Could you turn around and drop your pants,

Dad, this is Rhonda.

Damn it!

Damn, dude, she is hot.

Deal with it.

Despite his swinging philosophy on sexuality,

Dick.

Did you kill a cheetah?

Did you make a copy?

Do I know you?

Do I?

Do it now.

Do not get your hopes up about visiting Graceland,

Do you feel better yet?

Do you have anything with Asian women?

Do you have money for a ticket? I don't.

Do you know Tiffany Henderson?

Do you know what I mean?

Do you need some help?

Do you need some special attention?

Do you need something?

Doesn't matter, though, because Josh won't be back next semester.

Don't answer it.

Don't give me any attitude, son.

Don't look at me, Kyle, okay? I didn't make up the rules.

Don't roll your eyes at me.

Don't worry. Her mail will be here,

Don't you want to experience something new?

Don't you want to experience something new?

Doobie?

E.L., get out of my car.

E.L., no.

Each semester, you'll be expected to volunteer

Earl, Cookie, we have a situation.

Eat him.

Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.

Eight years.

Eighteen hundred.

Engines have rotator splints?

Enough.

Episode Two slash spoilers,

Eventually he tried organizing a mass suicide.

Everyone knows that.

Everyone,

Everyone, back inside.

Exactly what it means to be in the lower region

Exactly.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Face to face... You totally should.

False alarm, people.

Fifteen dollars.

Fifteen dollars.

Fine.

Fire away.

Five days. Well, I think we can work that out.

Five dollars right here.

For some experimental testing.

Forget tonight. Come over now.

Forward into the new century.

Four!

Freeze right now. Everybody, freeze.

Freeze right there. Don't move.

French toast, no sugar. All right?

French toast.

From inside your rectum.

From our lthaca chapter.

Fuck!

Get off of me.

Get where? Austin?

Girls just don't stand around naked.

Give him one tomorrow.

Give it to me. No, give it to me.

Go ahead, laugh. Laugh all you want.

Go away! Go away!

God, no, no! You don't want...

Goddamn Viagra gets my heart racing like a lab rat.

Going once, going twice...

Going twice.

Good God, moneybags, she's not a Happy Meal.

Good guess.

Good morning, everyone

Good morning, everyone How are you and you and you?

Good morning.

Good thing is, there's no evidence of a struggle.

Good, that's the plan.

Good?

Goodbye.

Great. I'm going to bet money on something you can't prove.

Have any of you had sex or masturbated in the past 24 hours?

Have you seen Josh?

Having a smoke?

He brought his new girlfriend home to meet his parents.

He doesn't.

He got pretty serious with some girl he met.

He is such an asshole.

He left school.

He really is going to kill me when he finds out about that car.

He started it all.

He was just calling to confirm the date of the exam.

He was named High Times' Man of the Year.

He went on to become the leader of some cult out in lowa.

He went to visit his girlfriend.

He'll actually start digesting you while you're still alive.

He'll get over it. Besides, that car sucked, anyways.

He's about to flunk philosophy.

He's been cheating on her.

He's coming with us.

He's going to squeeze.

He's got a point.

He's probably jacking off.

He's such an idiot.

He's tasty, Mitch.

He's tasty.

Hello?

Hello. This is an emergency. We need this stuff.

Help me out with a little

Here, let me show you.

Hey, can I feed Mitch?

Hey, don't be crazy.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes right now.

Hey, look.

Hey, Mitch. What are you doing? Are you hungry?

Hey, now I'm snappy Got my mojo track

Hey, old man.

Hey, Tif. It's me coming to you live from Ithaca, New York.

Hey, you do realize this is a national black fraternity?

Hi, Dad. Merry Christmas.

Hi, how can I help you?

Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany.

Hi, professor. It's Josh Parker.

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi. I'm visiting my friend from home, although she doesn't know I'm coming.

His name is Barry Manilow?

Hit the lights. It's boner time.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold that thought.

Honey, face it. We are all used!

Honey, look.

Honey, the last time I trusted a man was back in 1985,

How about an extra three days?

How about you?

How can I help you?

How come she gets to see the tape and we don't?

How long have you been going to school here?

How sad. Do you have the key?

How would that sound? Would that work?

I actually thought he liked me.

I admit it. She's amazing. She's perfect, all right.

I am glad to see you, but...

I boinked her.

I can just tell you like him, that's all.

I can't believe he just lied to my face like that.

I can't really talk about it right now.

I can't sleep either.

I can't. It's my dad's. It's for emergencies only.

I could not be allowed back next semester.

I could teach Japanese to a monkey in 46 hours.

I could teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours.

I didn't lie.

I don't even want to know how you got this.

I don't exactly know what I'm...

I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now!

I don't know.

I don't know. Do I seem happy this morning?

I don't know. It's just a feeling.

I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a guy.

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

I don't think you guys heard me.

I feel a little bit better. Yeah, a little.

I give us about 20 minutes before our first ass raping.

I got a girl

I got carried away with the story.

I got the fucking munchies real bad.

I got to get going, though. Okay?

I got to make a call.

I guess I just thought Josh was different.

I guess it's my dad. He's like, strict.

I had to take two birth control pills this morning.

I have an idea.

I have this thing for Asian chicks, and there seem to be none in this binder.

I have to admit, I love you in that uniform.

I haven't been there in a long time.

I haven't talked to you in a few days,

I just miss you. That's all.

I just said 30.

I just wanted to add something before I sent this video off.

I knew you'd come back.

I know guys can be jerks.

I know, because I bought some of it on eBay.

I know. I know, believe me, I've tried.

I mean, I feel like we had a connection.

I mean, that was really great.

I mean, we can just talk.

I mean, you're not like most of the girls I know.

I might lose my financial aid.

I miss you too, but it's crazy for you to drive here because you miss me.

I must live.

I never really liked Massachusetts.

I never said anything about the wheels staying on.

I only said we'd make it across.

I prefer yellow.

I promise.

I ran it through three times, sir. It keeps telling me you're over your limit.

I realized a few things this past week, you know?

I really do need to go to the bathroom.

I said, You shut up.

I saw you hitting on Beth.

I say we get the hell out of here.

I see most of you speak English already, so we can skip that one.

I set the guys up at my grandparents' house for a place to crash.

I should really warn you, it's been known

I stole it from a blind chick.

I take it you don't have a condom.

I think I love you.

I think I'll pass.

I think so.

I think the tape must be rewound.

I think you'll find everything you need right here in these binders.

I thought they broke up.

I thought you had class now.

I thought you should know.

I want to rock

I was just finishing my tape to Tiffany.

I was just sitting behind my desk.

I was sent over here to check out bus 111

I wasn't going to let Jacob get you kicked out of school.

I wasn't kidnapped. These are my friends from school.

I wish I was your dick, E.L., because this is torture.

I'd appreciate it if you'd return those to the front desk after you're finished.

I'd just like to say thank you.

I'd say somebody was ****d and murdered here last night.

I'd say we're officially in no man's land.

I'll be okay, I just need some time.

I'll call you as soon as I get back.

I'll call you Monday when I'm back at school.

I'll give you a good tour today. Show you as much as you need to know.

I'll go take care of this.

I'll see you guys later?

I'll see you tonight.

I'll tell Barry you said hello.

I'll tell you what, fellas.

I'm a Xi Chi brother from the lthaca University chapter.

I'm actually glad you called, because I wanted to tell you something.

I'm Beth.

I'm Beth.

I'm driving.

I'm going back with these guys.

I'm going to feed the snake.

I'm going to give it back. Probably.

I'm going to interview you.

I'm going to perform a procedure on you called milking the prostate.

I'm in kind of a bind.

I'm invested in this relationship.

I'm just glad you're not hurt.

I'm kidding, Kyle. We'll stop.

I'm not hooking up with anyone. I made a commitment to Tiffany.

I'm not lying.

I'm not mad!

I'm not sure what's going on between us,

I'm serious.

I'm serious. I can't die young.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry to bother you again. Is Tiffany around?

I'm sorry, but

I'm sorry, but we need your help.

I'm sorry, but you need the key.

I'm sorry, do you need to get that?

I'm sorry. I don't think about that kind of stuff.

I'm totally screwed!

I'm...

I've always wanted to try this.

I've had problems with stragglers before, okay?

I've tried calling you a few times but no one picked up

If I don't speak with you,

If it was easy, it would just be the way.

If she wanted to talk to you

If something doesn't happen soon, I'll pack up my balls and leave.

If we hit this thing at 50 miles per hour,

If we turn around we'll lose five hours just backtracking.

If you don't get back, you fail.

If you hear anything, give me a call.

If you overfeed him, he could die.

In 6th grade, I got so worried about the escalating situation in Iraq

In all its fury.

In fact, they have about 70 hours of unedited amateur video.

In most men's eyes we are just flesh!

Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab?

Is experimentation.

Is getting smaller by the day.

Is getting smaller by the day.

Is it good?

Is something wrong?

Is that understood?

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Is there something between us?

Is this going to work?

Is this philosophy?

Is this the kind of shit you've been sending Tiffany?

Isn't he just the cutest little thing?

It ain't easy being Josh's penis.

It can be done.

It is not cheating.

It is sick. Think about it, okay? If they had it their way...

It just doesn't make any...

It says 1951.

It should be special.

It was a joke, outtie. A joke.

It was a killer journey to say the least,

It was built in the 1600s.

It was in the glove compartment and that was stolen, too.

It was Sunday morning back in lthaca,

It will be entirely essay form, so bring legal pads.

It works like a charm.

It wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.

It'd be the best thing that ever happened to you.

It'll be a quick death.

It'll be fine. It's just the wheels.

It'll be worth it.

It's 10 feet.

It's a lot of fun.

It's a sign, Josh.

It's a tape.

It's about this guy I knew, Josh Parker,

It's all essays and stuff. If I fail this class, my average is shot.

It's an anally induced ejaculation.

It's Barry.

It's been a really weird week.

It's been blown to bits. We checked with the university,

It's Beth.

It's easier on the eyes.

It's for you.

It's going to be a bloodbath.

It's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay. I'll find him.

It's good.

It's great, Professor. See you soon.

It's Josh and Rubin. Leave a message.

It's just some girl I used to date since I was, like, five.

It's never cheating when you're in a different area code.

It's none of your business, Jacob.

It's not cheating if you let your dog lick peanut butter off your testicles.

It's not cheating.

It's not like that, you see.

It's not like that. I've known her my whole life.

It's not pretty when it happens.

It's not till tomorrow.

It's pathetic.

It's pretty wild.

It's ridiculous.

It's supposed to be a challenge. That's why they call it a shortcut.

Jack, Barry's friends are here. Come say hi.

Jack, they're here.

Jacob lied to you. There's no extension on your midterm.

Jacob, do you have anything to add?

Jared's still in Aliquippa. I take it he called you from there.

Jared's still in Aliquippa. I take it he called you from there.

Jeez, you have to stand up for yourself every once in a while.

Josh and Tiffany were always together from when they were really little.

Josh likes you. It's disgusting.

Josh, please. We need this.

Josh, you have your entire life to live up at school.

Just a minute.

Just a reminder. The midterm will cover all of the in class lectures

Just fly.

Just relax.

Just where you think you'll be happy with shadow.

Just, you know, look away. Go have an Eskimo Pie or something.

Justice.

Kill him.

Kind of cool.

Kyle and his father reconciled their differences.

Kyle, come here for a second.

Kyle, in the car. Come on.

Leave a message.

Let me ask you once more. Have you seen my son?

Let me get up and I'll give you guys the full tour.

Let me see it. Just let me see it.

Let me take this back and bring you out a new piece.

Let's blow this class off.

Let's go, Kyle. We want details. What happened?

Let's introduce you to our first person. Laura!

Let's not make a big deal out of it, okay?

Let's see.

Let's see.

Like I said, they were on a race against time.

Like, okay.

Listen to the man before you get some Jackie Chan happening on your face.

Listen, apparently we've interrupted your dinner, so we're just going to...

Listen, guys.

Listen, Jacob's here, and he's a total psycho.

Listen, my grandfather passed away.

Look at all this mail you got.

Look at me. I'm a mouse. Eat me. Eat me.

Look at that. You can see my bum.

Look how many nice people care about you.

Look, I can spit across this gap.

Look, it's obvious.

Loser. You always have sex with a girl one last time before you break up.

Maim him.

Make it? You mean jump it?

Manilow?

Maybe even a place to crash.

Maybe I should watch this on my own.

Maybe I'll show you what we call the guest room. Follow me, boys.

Maybe it's because I had the best time of my life last night,

Maybe take the midterm a couple days later?

Maybe we could cut a mouse in half

Maybe we should turn around and go back to the interstate.

Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it.

Me! Right here!

Meet new people

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Mitch is going to bite into you.

Mitch needs an evenly distributed 85 degrees to survive.

Mom?

Mom?

Mother of God.

Mr. Earl Edwards? I'm sorry, sir. This card's over its limit.

My father is going to kill me when he finds out about this.

My friends and I were passing through, looking for a place to party,

My midterm starts in exactly 46 hours, so I got to get back.

Naked. Really naked.

Named Tiffany

Next.

No

No blood or clothing, anything like that.

No one forced you to come.

No one is going anywhere.

No one told me there was going to be this much reading involved.

No one's asking you to do anything wrong here, man.

No way. Absolutely not.

No way. You're lying.

No, I didn't. Give me that.

No, I didn't. I said Austin.

No, I would not like a foot massage.

No, I'm checking the temperature inside of his cage.

No, I'm kidding.

No, I've never seen that before in my life.

No, it's nothing.

No, we don't know. Tell us.

No, we've always liked you.

No, you don't. Actually, I know your boyfriend.

No, you guys.

No? Okay, that's okay. Thanks.

No.

No.

No.

No. I am not. Thank you for asking, though.

No. I guess I'm all out.

No. Not really.

No. Sure don't.

No. This is legit. I've actually read an article about this.

No. What he's trying to say is,

Not a good idea. She's spoken for.

Not really.

Nothing.

Now that you mention it, there were a few guys in here.

Now you go fix that little toy back there,

Now, be honest, because if you don't tell the truth,

Now, I want you two to kiss each other.

Now, this will all be on next week's midterm

Of course I'm sure. With physics I'm always sure.

Of course it's going to work. I know the handshake and everything.

Of nature's food chain.

Of some little shadow areas.

Oh, bullcrap! This is ridiculous!

Oh, come on, now.

Oh, come on.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, God, I don't even wanna know what would happen if they had it their way.

Oh, God, where is it?

Oh, hey, fellas.

Oh, honey, careful. Your boner.

Oh, I'm sorry. Look at that.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness. Look at you boys.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. You don't understand. He's obsessed with me.

Oh, poor baby.

Oh, that was Josh Parker.

Oh, there's hope, but it comes with batteries.

Oh, yeah. It works.

Okay, bye.

Okay, call you back.

Okay, can anyone beat 26 dollars?

Okay, everybody good?

Okay, everyone, freeze.

Okay, go, then.

Okay, great.

Okay, great.

Okay, I'm sorry. Relax.

Okay, I've got one. Are you ready?

Okay, let's start the opening bidding at five dollars.

Okay, listen. Seriously, you can never tell anyone you saw this.

Okay, look, some people are here and they are being very rude.

Okay, no problem. You've been more than helpful.

Okay, relax. Okay? They're just messing with us.

Okay, thanks.

Okay, Tiffany, it's time to stop being so sad.

Okay, we got 15. Who can beat 15? Going once.

Okay, we're going to the University of Austin.

Okay, you first.

Okay? I'm reliable. Okay?

Okay. All done.

Okay. Bye.

Okay. Goodbye.

Okay. Who are you?

Okay... Show her what an asshole Josh is.

On the exam? Pretty good, actually.

Once when Tiffany was ten years old, she had her tonsils taken out.

One of them was in here trying to score drugs.

Or if you're too wasted to remember,

Or maybe we can off someone for you. How's that sound?

Or you can just give us the car, Kyle.

Our car exploded last night and I'm practically all out of my own.

Our car exploded. Yeah. I could be dead right now.

Our selection's rather limited. You're going to have to make do.

Our trajectory will clear 10 feet. Easy.

Over there is the department of English.

People have been telling me that my whole life, believe it or not.

Perhaps you'd like an 11 year old prostitute.

Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy. He's right there.

Please. No interruptions. Okay?

Please. Thank you. This is delicious.

Plus a whole lot more, actually.

Professional assistance.

Put both hands flat on the table?

Put the weapon down now.

Racist?

Really?

Really. I promise.

Relax, baby. Let Rhonda handle this.

Remember how he always claimed that he was destined for great things?

Remember Rubin?

Rhonda, this is my father, Earl.

Right there!

Right.

Right.

Right. Sorry.

Right. The tape.

Road trip.

Room 109.

Rotator splint.

Rubin used cross pollination to develop a strain of marijuana,

Rules are rules.

Say hi, Beth.

See, all my notes and books were destroyed.

See, he thinks that he has an extension on the midterm,

See, I'm marking it down right now.

See, while Josh was enrolled here at the wonderful University of lthaca,

See? It's fun, right?

She didn't sleep here last night again

She gets back there Monday. That leaves me three days to get there.

She likes the outdoors and she loves good seafood.

She needs something. This is an emergency.

She runs good now, but not for long.

She should be attractive

She should be smart

She should be smart,

She shouldn't stop kissing me. Why don't you keep doing that?

She'd call you.

She'll come back to me. They always do.

She's here to help you change your life.

She's my best friend.

She's really a wreck.

Shit.

Should we open it and see what he sent?

Shut up, all right?

Sick!

Since we didn't get to see the tape, can you at least describe it to us?

So anyway, Josh got a B plus on his midterm. He got to stay in college.

So anyway, without further ado,

So don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet.

So first off, have any of you done any drugs in the past 36 hours?

So give me a call as soon as you can, okay? I miss you.

So how was your little getaway with Josh?