Why Him? (2016) Edit

A bad mother fucker standing next to me

A beautiful sight We're happy tonight

A dead moose suspended in its own urine.

A few years later,

A little bit.

A lot of guys have passwords related to their girlfriends or their wives.

A mother I would fuck.

A phone? Press the button.

A pimp's bitch.

About any of this.

About everything, of course. (SCOFFS)

About guys jerking off on each other.

About issues in the developing world.

About pricing... Ooh.

About the Mayhew deal.

Absolute fucking shit fest.

Actually, no.

After Christmas to bring it up.

After that, after you get hooked on drugs,

Ah, evasive parkour. Yeah.

Ah!

Ah.

All free range.

All in red.

All in red.

All is bright

All is calm

All kinds of crap comes flying out of my mouth

All over the screen in 3 D.

All right, ciao for now, you friends.

All right, ciao for now, you friends.

All right, cool. Yeah.

All right, everybody, dinner is served!

All right, good. Press the spacebar.

All right, hold on. Fuck. There's so much shit up here in your Cloud.

All right, I'm just trying to help.

All right, it's pretty. Yeah.

All right, let's do the tour.

All right, listen, um,

All right, look...

All right, now get in front of the computer.

All right, so be nice.

All right, so this here's the kitch.

All right, Stephanie's been on my case, too.

All right, try Stephanie's sweet slit.

All right? All right.

All right? Okay.

All right.

All right. Dad.

All right. Thanks, man.

All right. This is the den.

All right. Well, I'll leave you to it.

All right. Well, it's getting late, so...

All right. Well, you sit tight.

All right. What do we have here?

All the months

All things available at the Sheraton.

All those months?

All we do is party, party

All you had to do was ask me.

ALL: (SINGING) The first noel the angels did say

ALL: Aw!

ALL: Aw...

ALL: Merry Christmas!

An instruction manual in English yet.

An octopus.

And apparently also very stimulating.

And at this rate, we'll be Chapter 11 by March.

And by Christmas morning...

And chill this shit so hard.

And download a program that I'm gonna send you.

And find out if there's any record

And fly! Go, go, go! Go!

And get hot right now

And hang a mistletoe on your walls

And he knew we were coming to Michigan.

And he's coming onto your mother. That's not okay.

And he's coming onto your mother. That's not okay.

And he's only 24 years old.

And here we go.

And I can't get...

And I got scared.

And I have a couple other surprises.

And I have here a little amuse bouche.

And I know how much you love their music, so...

And I know how tight you two are.

And I know that's not how you guys roll.

And I love him.

And I mean this honestly.

And I saw this guy, and he had a cigarette.

And I think we should start over.

And I told him that. I was like...

And I wanted to ring you as soon as we made a decision.

And I will be very happy

And I will focus on your end out here.

And I wish I could be there with you.

And I'm gonna finish school.

And I'm just so fucking psyched

And I'm not.

And I'm really sorry.

And I've got a headache.

And if it wasn't your MILF, she'd be a MIWF...

And it didn't work out.

And it's all because of him!

And it's going great!

And just morning, noon and night,

And just so you don't stress,

And last but not least... Sweet.

And look, we can contact a Japanese manufacturer

And maybe lower the price point a little bit,

And miss Christmas in Michigan

And my dear Laird

And no cursing, okay?

And not everything you think is hooey is hooey.

And one double dicker.

And party every day

And party every day

And party every day

And party every day

And party every day

And say some kind words. Oh.

And she'll be looking for a job.

And sploosh!

And Stephanie, here I am.

And talking about how hot my mom is.

And that hasn't happened. Wait a minute.

And that is why we've got all these secrets now.

And that kills me.

And that's very rare to have something that nice.

And the bowling alley is regulation.

And the language. Come on!

And the polish that he used was quite...

And the rest of those dot coms.

And the sexiest. My God. Well.

And the tattoo?

And the titties, and the motorboating.

And then there's graduation,

And there's nothing dirty about it.

And they'd like to get married at your house in the backyard.

And this must be the main man. Scotty, huh?

And this one's called Triple Team,

And told me not to do it.

And turned a run down old printing press

And used it as your pivot to attack.

And we do a pretty good job, too,

And we have target achieved!

And we just can't go for it.

And we pinky swore I wouldn't ask without it.

And we take it.

And we'll do a little adjustment.

And we're glad to see you.

And we're gonna do Christmas just like you do at home.

And when all that goes belly up,

And who could forget the Domino's Pizza circular?

And who knows where that will take her.

And yet she has never even mentioned this guy.

And you got a tattoo of my entire family on your back.

And you got too much going on.

And you guys have a lovely chat.

And you guys jumping to conclusions

And you speak English with resounding amounts of fuck.

And you...

And you're feeling overwhelmed.

And you've been working really hard on it.

And your reactions are getting quicker.

And, Dad, it is a veritable who's who

And, go! Go, guys! Go, go, go!

Anything you need, I'm here.

Anyway, I hope you two have a nice night's rest.

Anyway, she saw all these young programmers getting rich.

Anyways, Big Cheese.

Ape Assassins Six: Capuchin Chaos.

April? That's eight months ago. What?

Are they coming in the... Oh, my God.

Are they using somebody famous?

Are those really old? I never heard of it.

Are you guys talking Chapter 11?

Are you happy? That's a new one on me, bro.

Are you hungry? Starving.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kids gonna do it? Yes.

Are you messing with me, Dingle?

Are you okay? Oh, man. (COUGHING)

Are you serious?

Are you sure his parents have enough room?

Are you sure this isn't an Apple Store or something?

Around every member of this family.

As a function of environmental change in the Third World.

As I've already told Barb, we are a paperless household.

At his age? So sad. I'm going to bed. That's it.

Aw, that's actually sweet.

Aw.

Awesome.

Babe, I'm so sorry. Uh...

Baboon Bukkake.

Baby, baby, it's quite a lot

Baby, I want to trim your...

Baby, I want to trim your...

Baby, I want to trim your...

Baby, the foundation is all good.

Bad, bad motherfucker 'til the day I die

Barb and Scotty, too. No clowning.

Barb, fuck you.

Barb, is that my shirt?

Barb, just get the toilet paper, please?

Barb, what happened to you?

Barb, would you close the door? Sorry.

Barb, you look great. JERRY: There they are!

BARB: Ah, I think I've got the arts section here.

BARB: All right.

BARB: Darling? Yeah. Yup.

BARB: It's a paperless house, darling.

BARB: No, honey!

BARB: None of this was here?

BARB: Oh, gosh. Wow.

BARB: Oh, my goodness. Hey, girl.

BARB: Oh, my gosh. Can't figure things out.

BARB: Oh, our little girl.

BARB: Okay. NED: Thank you.

BARB: Scotty! Oh, my God.

BARB: That's too good. This is it.

BARB: This is his house? Mmm hmm.

BARB: Those aren't look a likes, Ned.

BARB: We're very excited.

BARB: Well, this is cute.

BARB: What? Hm?

BARB: When did you go to Machu Picchu?

BARB: Wow.

BARB: Yeah.

Barb!

Barb! Get you some!

Barb! That's good.

Barb?

Barb? There's no toilet paper.

Barb. Let's take the Little Cheese

Barb. Oh! Yeah!

Barb. What? Where did you? (LAUGHS)

Barbara has made sure that each toilet

Barbara, I'm tired. Wait a minute. (MUTTERS)

Barbara. Yes.

Be free like a bird so today I'ma fly

Be like, Oh, my God. I love your boyfriend. He's so normal.

Bear? LAIRD: Mmm.

Beautiful Christmas tree

Because I don't know her that well.

Because I've been around. Haven't I?

Because it actually sounds very interesting.

Because of his influence,

Because that bear fucked that dude up!

Because that's what I wanna do.

Because you made it all about yourself.

Because, I mean, you saw it.

Because, uh, just in case it worked out

Before you even got a chance to know him.

Before you graduate.

Beside the fact that I don't know you from a hole in the wall...

Best to Barb and the kids.

Big Lots is bailing out on us?

Biggest show in the world, no big deal. (COUGHS)

Black balls!

Blaine and Missy started Stamp Free Invites.

BLAINE: Our mom didn't breastfeed us.

Boom!

Boom! We're in.

Boom.

Boring.

Boss, let me get this straight.

BOTH: Yeah!

Bow bow bow bow.

Boy, I'll tell you, I don't know what's going on.

Breathe that fire. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Bro, you're incredible.

Brochures for Steelcase furniture,

Buffet.

Bukkake means covered in jizz.

Bukkake?

But after some point, you know,

But are you having a buffet here?

But before all that...

But can I give you some advice?

But fact is we 're just not doing a whole lot of printing these days.

But he won't even listen to any of my ideas about innovation.

But he's not fighting. It's just you.

But hell, Lou Junior is talking about getting married in May.

But how am I supposed to complete my business?

But how did you respond?

But I don't like her.

But I just thought the family should all be together today.

But I just wanna put your mind at ease.

But I love you, Dad. Happy Birthday.

But I snuck out to have a little check in.

But I swear his heart is always in the right place.

But I was really, really worried about you.

But I won't. Okay.

But I'm afraid we don't.

But I'm confident this is a really good idea.

But I'm going to have to manually reboot the system from the inside.

But I'm not ready for that.

But I'm still mad at you.

But if it still means anything to you,

But instead of tobacco or a fake tobacco,

But it is Christmas.

But it sounds absolutely charming.

But it's much nicer than the Sheraton.

But my parents don't really let me watch R rated movies.

But not right now.

But since you mentioned it...

But still not the same...

But still not the same...

But that button should not have activated that.

But there's something about this whole foundation

But they're here,

But this is where all the big ideas happen.

But turns out...

But what happened to the evasive parkour?

But what I'm saying is I was transformed.

But when the only mission is to get to shore,

But why don't you let me save your company?

But you gotta promise me

But you gotta think like him.

But you're my best friend.

But you're still here.

But your dad gave me this awesome advice

But, Laird, Stephanie's right.

But, Ned, can I be honest with you?

But, okay, he told you about the foundation, right?

But, uh, the answer's no.

But, you know. Just dot, dot, dot. Enough already.

But... Uh huh.

By the way, good job keeping that game face last night.

By the way, I'm a huge fan.

By the way, your Chun Kuk Do moves were very solid.

Calm down. Dad!

Can I borrow that chainsaw?

Can I borrow those?

Can we please just continue? All right.

Can we see? Sorry.

Can we talk inside? No.

Can't believe I have to go back to toilet paper.

Cato is his assistant, his houseboy.

Cheese, Cheese, Cheese! Cheese, Cheese, Cheese!

Cheese, we're already getting pummeled by Evite, Stamp Free

Cheese, what she look like?

Chills. Did you come up with that?

Christmas in California together

Christmas tree shopping with the Big Cheese.

Cold? Yeah.

Come here!

Come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here. (CHUCKLES)

Come here. Come here.

Come here. Yeah?

Come on, Daddy. You're okay!

Come on, get in here. Let me get that. Come on, Cheese.

Come on, guy. I need my chainsaw back.

Come on, let me get that axe.

Come on, let me just see him. Don't.

Come on, let's go meet his friends.

Come on, you hear this guy?

Come on.

Come over any time after 6:00. Okay, hun?

Comes from within a 500 yard radius.

Congratulations.

Conservative private equity sleeve

Cool, Steph.

Could I get a glass of white wine, please?

Count me in, 'cause I'm famished.

Cows, too.

Cows, too.

Crazy. (ALL CHUCKLING)

Dad, come on. This place is so sick.

Dad, I know what it is. Yeah.

Dad, I think you mean tat.

Dad, I'm just trying to connect the dots here.

Dad, if you're gonna unleash me to my full potentsh...

Dad, look, he even got in your signature crotch chop.

Dad, thank you for telling me to pack a blazer.

Dad, you wanna go there? Mom.

Dad!

Dad!

Dad. You are so dead.

Dad...

Darling, this is the male, and he's thrusting.

Darling, we need to bring this down a notch.

Darling...

DDT your ass. I love you, dawg.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly

DEVELOPER 1: Hey, boss. DEVELOPER 2: Mayhew!

Dickie Blais what's up?

Did Daddy do a doo doo?

Did he? Yeah.

Did he? Yeah.

Did my dad know about this?

Did the server forget to send a reminder

Did we have another child?

Did you find the card?

Did you get laid?

Did you have intercourse or not?

Did you hit your head or something?

Did you hit your head or something?

Dig in. Oh.

Do it again...

Do you have a toothbrush here?

Do you have access to the Internet?

Do you not write code? Sorry.

Do you submit? Fuck you!

Do you submit? Fuck you!

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Do you wanna raise the volume on the movie?

Do you want to consult me about it?

Do you want to take your coat off?

Do you...

Does he mean Kevin Dingle? LAIRD: Probably.

Does it?

Doing this kind of work,

Don't breathe in. I'll save you, brother!

Don't call me Dad. Don't call you Dad?

Don't do it.

Don't egg him on like that.

Don't get sucked in.

Don't tell me they're going with China, too.

Don't think that's going to happen.

Don't touch anything. How was traffic?

Don't try so hard.

Don't worry about that. I have a little surprise.

Don't worry, we took a shower together and worked it out.

Don't you need a computer and...

Don't.

Double dicking. Okay.

Down in the new bowling alley?

Download that and open it on his desktop.

Dragons and titties, baby.

Dragons and titties! (ROARS)

Dude, did you come up with that?

Dude, Goose, I don't know how to talk to the guy.

Dude, I know I sprung this on you.

Dude, I know you're probably shocked, but do not worry.

Dude, I know, that's why I put it on!

Dude, I thought I was gonna make it.

Dude, I'm gonna treat her like a motherfucking queen.

Dude, I'm so confused.

Dude, I'm trying to be nice, so you can avoid bankruptcy.

Dude, Ned was crushing it

Dude, Ned, I thought we were getting past all that.

Dude, please.

Dude, she is a MILF, like a genuine MILF.

Dude, that was kind of cool. You gotta be honest.

Dude, that's fucking great!

Dude, this kid is fucking awesome.

Dude, we were such jerks.

Dude, your employees are so cool.

EarthLink, EarthLink, okay. Press.

Eggnog. Yes. Thank you.

Elon Musk. Elon Musk?

Enjoy.

Evasive parkour! Do the wall pop!

Even though you're now like...

Every single model comes with Justine.

Everybody act natural! Act naturally!

Everybody is feeling a lot of tension.

Everybody upstairs right now, family meeting!

Everyone's downstairs.

Everything you eat here

Family, baby. Fuck yeah!

Fantastic! You're okay.

Fifth button from the right.

Fine.

First you get a tattoo,

For a sleigh ride together with you

For example, like, would you say...

For me.

For reals, dude. I want it to be a surprise.

For reals?

For the Apple and Android platforms.

For the first time ever, if he wasn't...

For your birthday party or something?

Forget about the money I spent today

Forget about the money I spent today

Freaking online banner ads.

Free continental breakfast. Yes.

From my rolodex while I look for a pen.

Fuck it!

Fuck yes.

Fuck you, Goose! Scheisse!

Fuck you, paper man!

Fuck, you're right. Good call.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fucking King Joffrey up in this.

Fun dinner last night. Hey, Jerry.

Future CEO, but you are going to college.

Gentlemen, I need Deck the Halls, allegro, now.

Get down here!

Get in there. Yeah, that's the spirit.

Get it! Good. Oh, that's... Okay.

Get the fuck out of here. Okay.

Get up here. I'm so psyched to meet you.

Get up in there.

Get up in those titties!

GIRL: Okay.

Give it your best shot.

Give that a whirl.

Go ahead. Wait, really?

Go get breakfast. Okay.

Go into the school gonna run another banger

Go on the proposal, no go on the shit.

Go out there and meet him.

Go to your EarthLink account in the web browser.

Go, go, go!

God damn.

God!

God!

Gone away is the bluebird Here to stay is the new bird

Gonna get those dragons. (HISSING)

Good for you! Honestly, good for you.

Good luck. Thanks.

Good morning, Ned.

Good night.

Good. You're done, Mayhew.

Goose, I know I pay you a shit ton of money,

Goose! Did you see that?

Goose! No!

Goose. God damn it. I said no go! No go!

Gorillas in board shorts is a fun touch.

Gosh, it says Happy Holidays and everything.

Gosh, it says Happy Holidays and everything.

Got it?

Gotta do it right.

Gotta get that seat, Scotty. That's my seat.

Grab a seat. Make yourself comf. Let's break it down.

Great art really gets me aroused.

Great party.

Great question. You know why? Why?

Great.

Great. Great.

Great. Okay, do you guys want to go see the house?

Great. Wunderbar.

Guerrilla Gang, it's been struggling a little bit.

Guess it's stuck on there, huh? (LAUGHS)

Guess not, dude.

Gustav gave me a preview of the guest list.

Gustav is actually an amazing architect.

Gustav, change of plans.

GUSTAV: (CLEARS THROAT) Laird.

GUSTAV: I'll put you on the table later

GUSTAV: Nice work!

GUSTAV: Oh, scheisse!

GUSTAV: Scotty, no! Scotty!

GUSTAV: Searching, searching, und searching.

GUSTAV: There's always room to improve.

GUSTAV: You see the difference of the feeling? How it feels differently?

Gustav! Ned, stay away!

Guys, stay here for a minute.

Hacker?

Half the specialty jobs in Grand Rapids

Hand it over?

Hank Rouse from First National

Happy birthday, happy birthday

Happy holidays, Ned.

Happy, happy birthday Happy, happy birthday

Has finally gotten what he's always wanted.

Have a great night. Yeah.

Have a very effective and pleasant cleaning spray.

Have at it.

He actually started writing code

He ate it. Hmm.

He came in there guns blazing.

He comes dragging home this Buckeye

He did call him my little yellow friend. But...

He does want you to speak at the wedding

He doesn't have enough money to finance his business,

He got look a likes!

He had that revved up energy where he was like...

He has to talk to you about something...

He is in serious financial trouble.

He is just finishing a teleconference.

He is trying to put his imprint on this entire family.

He just wants to go and go and go...

He just won't listen to me.

He kind of reminds me of you.

He kind of wants to make things right with you.

He lives by himself. It's not a crash pad,

He looks like a stand up guy.

He said he was some low level programmer at Uber.

He said no! What? Okay, okay.

He sings a love song As we go along

He speaks English.

He turned down three billion dollars from Facebook,

He was so proud of me when I got into Stanford.

He went a little too far with the dragons,

He worked so hard to make it happen.

He'll be right out.

He's a mythical creature, Ned.

He's a very good guy.

He's an octopus.

He's balls deep in my digital butt.

He's being modest.

He's dating my daughter.

He's even affected Scotty.

He's gonna get down to his knee and keep it real simple.

He's just barely scraping by.

He's manipulating you.

He's our intern.

He's pulling out his penis!

He's the kid who founded Ghostchat.

He's what?

Heck yeah, I cuss.

Hello there, you gang! It is I, Gustav.

Hello to you, Ned Fleming.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello!

Hello? Oh.

Hello.

Hells yes, Grateful Ned! Yeah!

Helps.

Her hair, and her eyes.

Here's another. NED: Oh, my God.

Hey, baby. Hi.

Hey, Barb. Hi.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Cheese, can I have a minute?

Hey, Daisy. (GRUNTS)

Hey, Don Millis. Merry Christmas, sir.

Hey, gang, say hi to the Flemings.

Hey, guys. Hey, what's up?

Hey, honey.

Hey, Ned. All right.

Hey, oh, Ned. Ned.

Hey, promise me one thing.

Hey, so I think it's going great, right?

Hey, Steph! Hey, it's Kevin!

Hey, there he is. Happy birthday, Big Cheese.

Hey, there they are! Hi.

Hey, what about that language?

Hey, what do you think of the new facial hair, huh?

Hey, what's going on, everyone?

Hey, what's the connection between

Hey, why don't you play back a blip from yesterday's session?

Hey! Blaine and Missy Pederman.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Thanks, brother.

Hey. Yes.

Hi, buddy. Hi.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, everyone! Hey, honey!

Hi, I'm Barb Fleming.

Hi, Momma. Hi!

Hi, Pops.

Hi, uh...

Hi! Hi!

Hi! I got your flowers. That was so sweet of you.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. BARB: Oh, my God.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hey.

His mother was a secretary at one of these tech companies.

His name's Ned. BARB: Oh, my God, are they...

Hit the home button right there.

Hmm.

Hmm. We have not found that at all.

Hmm...

Hmm...

Ho, ho, ho! (DOG BARKS)

Ho, ho, ho. Oh, my God.

Hold all his calls.

Holy night

Holy shit.

Honestly, honey, we thought you might freak out.

Honestly, I didn't know how to explain him over the phone.

Honestly. No.

Honey, before you continue, I need to tell you something.

Honey, I'm looking at the Esalen website right now

Honey, I'm so sorry it turned out this way.

Honey, we're not gonna be comfortable at some crash pad.

Honey, who exactly are you dating?

Honey.

Honey.

Hooey meister himself.

Houseboy? Well, it's...

How could I?

How did this older guy get me?

How do you know all this?

How do you know Laird?

How do you know what it is?

How do you make it stop? (CAMERA CLICKS)

How the hell did you know about this?

How you doin', baby?

How?

How'd it go?

How'd you fuck up selling little dogs?

Hun, when did you put these up?

Hurt like balls.

I am going straight to hell just for typing this.

I am Gustav. Yes.

I am like super baked.

I am not writing that!

I am on the needles und pins.

I am so sorry that it took so long.

I am so sorry, Ned. I just didn't want you to get hurt.

I am so sorry.

I am so stoned right now.

I believe you. (LAUGHING) I believe you.

I bit your dick.

I bought your father's company.

I call it lawn to table eating.

I can guarantee you, it was the bear.

I can take it down for you.

I can't believe I finally got the seat.

I can't believe that you didn't tell us about this.

I can't keep this from Patty much longer.

I can't see the instructions.

I can't use my computer anymore.

I challenged him.

I couldn't keep my eyes off her.

I did not say that! (LAUGHS)

I didn't know he put Happy Holidays on there.

I didn't spill the beans till April.

I didn't want to start talking

I do have a business idea I wanna run by you.

I don't even wanna hear that term.

I don't get it. You want the truth?

I don't know if I ever mentioned this,

I don't know if you know this, but I never knew my father.

I don't know that to be true. Is that right?

I don't know what section that is.

I don't know, dude.

I don't know, is it?

I don't know. He has my face.

I don't. Lou.

I feel like I know you after everything that Steph's told me about you,

I forgot about that second baby. Oh, we had another child.

I fucking missed you.

I gave him a few pointers.

I gave him a handjob.

I gave the guy the Christmas card.

I give it my password.

I got fired selling Datsuns.

I got that chick from The Big Bang Theory,