Burn After Reading (2008) Edit

A kid.

A man was in here earlier, asking about you.

A personal hero of mine,

About five or approximately five? I mean...

About the security of your shit.

Absolutely, yes.

Absolutely! Some women don't mind it.

Absolutely.

Agent!

Agent! Agent!

Agent.

Alan?

All right.

All right. All right.

All right. Let me explain something to you, Mr. Black.

All right. Okay.

All right. Spare me.

Always up, always ebullient.

An associate of a guy named Harry Pfarrer.

An old friend of Zoe's.

And don't tell me it's not!

And he agrees 100% about my surgeries.

And he just disappeared. He hasn't been at work or at home for two days!

And he just lost his job.

And here.

And hopefully everything will work out.

And I realized that life is not infinite and that no one is immortal.

And I think he'll be a lot easier to deal with if he doesn't feel cornered.

And I think I've been loud and clear.

And I want this out of Hardbodies.

And I will not take this kind of treatment.

And I've got this gut that swings back and forth

And it was just then, at that very moment, that Oliver sneezed.

And it's hard to know what the important days are until you...

And it's the same fucking patient she's been with since yesterday?

And keep an eye on everyone, see what they do.

And last time...

And Manolo running around like crazy.

And now he's gone.

And number six.

And numbers and...

And petty, petty shit, and then basically

And programs their VCRs and shit.

And release.

And right now this has happened.

And Russian? American?

And Sandy is a good lady. She's a very special lady.

And tell him about that Good Samaritan tax thing...

And the talented author is Sandra Pfarrer.

And then it's part two of our very special interview with Dermot Mulroney.

And then there's these other files that are just, like, numbers.

And then what, aphasia kicked in?

And there is no reason it's not improper.

And there's like a lot of machines open.

And this analyst, ex analyst...

And today Chad doesn't even bother to come in at all.

And we are prepared to execute service on Osborne, if you so elect, Mrs. Cox.

And we just thought a reward...

And what about the face, you know, the window to the soul?

And what about the upper leg, the higher inside thigh area?

And whip this up myself for 100 bucks.

And who's Pfarrer?

And why is Olson here?

And why should you, with that lovely skin?

And you and I are gonna sort it out between us.

And you are my wife's lover?

And you say, There's no more time for dishonesty,

And you should. It's not unheard of

And you, I take it, are Mr. Black.

And you're right. You should dump that bozo.

And...

Anyway...

Anyway...

Appearances can be deceptive.

Are you gonna be okay?

Are you in some kind of trouble?

Are you joking?

Are you kidding?

Are you sure this is goat cheese?

Aren't you with... Isn't he...

Arrayed. Numbers and dates and numbers and numbers and dates.

As soon as you give us the money, dickwad!

Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet.

Back when I was in PP, there was still an art

Because believe it or not, I don't spend my entire day

Because first you should get his financials before he's forewarned.

Because here is a man...

Before the turtle can draw in his head and his...

Before the turtle can draw in his head and his...

Big breath. Exhale.

Big time.

Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic.

Boy, I tell you. I'm through banging my head against the wall.

Boy.

Break into the man's house?

Burn the body. Get rid of it.

But appearances can be deceptive.

But how could she have access with...

But I am perfectly willing to give back to you your sensitive shit,

But I don't think you would disapprove.

But I have to go. I have a date.

But I know who the guy is.

But I thought you might be worried.

But I'm not comfortable with this,

But if I could get an advance on my salary,

But it's not... Look, we're not terminating you.

But my benefits, they will do you, right?

But since we are at the point of no return,

But sometimes there's a higher patriotism, Dad.

But that area will respond to exercise.

But that's not going to mean anything to them.

But the thighs will respond to toning exercises.

But there was a snag.

But this has all been a long time coming.

But those two guys seem very interested in you.

But we can do something about the incipient crow's feet.

But we want to be paid first.

But what if I had, say, secrets of a highly...

But you can reach her on her portable or at her office.

But you could put in a request, can't you?

But you have no idea what you're doing!

But you haven't broached the possibility of divorce yet.

But you won't tell me what's going on.

But you won't tell me what's wrong.

But your face looks familiar.

But, no, I mean...

But, you know, we have all the time in the world,

Butt crunches, anything.

Can I help you?

Can we just get a shot of that?

Can you please come home?

Can't always wear a condom, right?

Chad Feldheimer to the office, please.

Chad Feldheimer.

Chad is the only can do person I know,

Chad, your Berry Blast is ready.

Chad!

Chad! Don't you...

Chad.

Christ, it better be the Peninsula,

Click on the... Click on the... Yeah...

Consulting.

Could you accompany me, please?

Could you wait, please?

Cox.

Dad, I left my job at the Agency.

Date.

Del and Connie are such putzes.

Deniability.

Did Chad give you any idea where he might be going?

Did he go over?

Did he know my name?

Did you have to send in a picture?

Did you pick up the cheeses?

Divorce action, numb nuts!

Do you also carry a big gun?

Do you have any water? I gotta hydrate.

Do you know how far this is from my place?

Do you know what time it is?

Do you mean that you didn't pick up the cheeses?

Does he look like he would have a sense of humor?

Don't blow a gasket, Osborne.

Don't know why he was trying to go to Venezuela.

Don't know. Scrubbed of ID.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Dribble?

Dribble?

Employment history, etcetera. Real jerk.

Even the sergeant at arms fell asleep.

Faster than the wheels of your Schwinn bicycle back there.

Felt he had to step in.

First you say you can't commit, and then...

First you say you can't commit, and then...

Five and a deuce is okay.

Five.

For Christ sake, did anyone fish the body out?

For fuck's sake, Harry, it's five miles.

For fuck's sake, put him on the next flight to Venezuela.

For Pete's sake.

For subterfuge. You say, I'm not that person.

For the salad.

For... Get in the car. Get in the car.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Fourteen years, a Greek Orthodox priest. Congregation in Chevy Chase.

Frankly, I'm thinking...

From an ex analyst of mine, Osborne Cox.

Fuck it! Fuck! Fucking lunatic!

Fuck! Fucking...

Fuck! I'm late.

Fuck! What the fuck?

Fucking child's play for Eddie.

Georgetown. Olive Street. 160 Olive Street.

Get himself together a little bit,

Give it to me, fuck!

Go!

God damn it, Ozzie, what have you done to the car?

God damn it. He knows, doesn't he? These are nice floors.

Good. Great. Is he dead?

Government service is not the same as when you were in State.

Great.

Harry, I can't just leave. There are two days left.

Harry, you know I can't just leave the book tour.

Harry!

Harry?

Harry?

Harry?

Has a boyfriend!

He didn't give it to me.

He didn't lose it. He quit.

He does computer stuff, hooks up people's computers

He doesn't know a thing.

He dumps a body in the Chesapeake Bay.

He had very little rapport with his staff and his dispatches...

He is in a detention room at Washington Dulles.

He just shot somebody in Ozzie's house.

He might even be so relieved that he gives us a reward.

He shot the analyst. He shot Cox.

He sounds very senior.

He was gathering information for you when he was taken.

He was okay.

He was trying to board a flight to Venezuela.

He will reform.

He will reform.

He will.

He...

He'll play ball!

He's gonna be relieved.

He's my friend from work.

He's trying to pull himself together but...

Hello, it's Osborne Cox. Who the fuck are you?

Hello! Did anybody lose their secret CIA shit? I don't think so.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? I'm with a patient.

Hello? Listen to me.

Hello. Can I help you?

Her sons will give while they shall live

Here is a man practiced in deceit.

Hey, Chad.

Hey, Linda. Did you call that guy?

Hey, the guy was not hard to follow, as you know.

Hey!

Hey! Fucker!

Hey. No problemo.

Highly classified shit found?

His hair is... What is that?

His neighborhood?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hold it.

Hold the line.

Honey, hang on to your hat. I've got some news.

Honey, it's so good to hear your voice.

Honey, we have to talk.

Honey! Honey!

How can you tell?

How did you get this?

How do you know his name?

How do you know who he is?

How many cities?

How much?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

I also...

I always urge my clients in this juncture

I am a mere Good Samaritan who...

I am assistant cultural attach�.

I am crazy about you, baby.

I am very fucking surprised he did not give us that reward.

I believe that, also. I think you have to do what's right for you.

I can show you your present. It's finished.

I can think of a couple of things.

I can't believe this shit I'm seeing.

I can't believe this.

I can't remember your name.

I can't take it! I can't take it! I can't take it!

I could at least get the surgery ball rolling.

I did the whole bodyguard thing for years.

I didn't realize you could be home so early.

I didn't retire. I quit. I don't want their benefits.

I didn't understand what you said.

I do not know the whereabouts of Mr. Chad, madam.

I do still carry the gun.

I don't even think about it. Of course...

I don't fucking know, either.

I don't have a psychiatrist.

I don't know anything about computers.

I don't know if he's high up.

I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much...

I don't know where the disk is.

I don't know who the fuck you are,

I don't know why we see them.

I don't know, maybe it's the Cold War ending.

I don't know, sir.

I don't know, when it makes sense.

I don't know, you figure it out,

I don't know. I'm just looking. How do I open this?

I don't represent that, either.

I don't think you would disapprove.

I don't understand. Is he not at Hardbodies?

I don't want to endanger other people. I mean...

I feel sorry for him...

I found it on the floor there.

I go into anaphylactic shock.

I got his number, I got his number

I got tap water.

I got this geek friend, Eddie Gallegos.

I gotta exercise. I haven't run in three days.

I gotta tell you, I saw an ad for this in a gentleman's magazine,

I guess that's what I should be thinking, too.

I guess that's what I should be thinking, too.

I guess.

I had to fill out a verbal profile,

I hate you! I hate you!

I have a drinking problem!

I have a drinking problem?

I have a drinking problem?

I have gone just about as far as I can go with this body.

I just felt a straining, a tightness in the front of my ass.

I just got a batch from BeWithMeDC. Com.

I just got so tired.

I just gotta exercise.

I knew this would happen.

I know these documents are sensitive.

I know this is really terrible, Ted,

I know this kind of man. We've seen this.

I know this sounds odd, some surgeries

I know you. You're the guy from the gym.

I know. That's why I started this Internet dating.

I love you, baby.

I love you, Harry.

I mean chicks. Chickie, chickie, chickie.

I mean, is it really that unsightly?

I mean, let us be fucking honest.

I mean, what you see now is like our busiest time,

I need a can do person! You're all defeated!

I need those surgeries, Ted.

I see... I mean, a bunch of people have them.

I should try to get a run in.

I think he's an arrogant little geek.

I think it can be pretty explosive.

I think that it's very important to maintain a positive attitude.

I think the quality of the intelligence dictates how high up he is.

I think this is some senior guy

I thought I had it here on a disk.

I thought so.

I thought that would never end.

I told her to expedite things, but...

I told him to get lost.

I told Mr. Krapotkin I might be stopping by.

I told you, he's in the Treasury Department.

I took the ring off about 18 months ago when we agreed to separate,

I wanna talk about this vaccine thing.

I want this out of here.

I want to find someone to share my journey.

I was gonna ride my bike.

I was just telling your husband that I have a condition

I was told that I needed pre approval for these surgeries...

I was with Treasury, dealing with Homeland Security.

I will give you dribble. You listen to me, Mr. Krapotkin.

I work for Tuchman Marsh.

I work with Senator Hobby.

I would be very fucking surprised if he did not.

I'll be good. I'll be better.

I'll be sad, but I'll be okay.

I'll do some consulting.

I'll do whatever you want, baby. I adore you.

I'm a Good Samaritan.

I'm amazed you have the energy.

I'm bigger than ever.

I'm bigger. I'm back. I'm better. I'm back.

I'm bigger. I'm bigger.

I'm coming anyway.

I'm fucked if I know what we did.

I'm gonna check with my office. I'll be right back,

I'm gonna start doing what's right for me.

I'm just a Good Samaritan, a traveler on the road...

I'm just depressed.

I'm just Linda Litzke.

I'm just saying as a layperson...

I'm like, What, someone's music or what?

I'm looking for Dr. Cox. Is she there?

I'm no friend of the guy, you know that.

I'm not comfortable with this.

I'm not comfortable with this.

I'm not here representing Hardbodies.

I'm not that strong!

I'm not touching this.

I'm on the legislative side.

I'm Osborne Cox.

I'm really looking for a guy with a sense of humor.

I'm reinventing myself. This is a whole new look,

I'm so sorry, ma'am. An urgent matter.

I'm sorry I'm calling at such an hour,

I'm sorry if I was staring,

I'm sorry, I'll have to run another off my hard drive.

I'm sorry. I didn't understand what you said.

I'm sorry. I didn't understand what you said.

I'm sorry. Thank you, Hal.

I'm thinking of divorcing Ozzie.

I'm very busy at the moment.

I'm with the Marshals now.

I'm wondering if it's the right time and...

I'm writing a memoir.

I've always told you it's more than just frivolity.

I've been fighting my whole life,

I've been thinking about writing a book.

I've been waiting for 45 minutes!

I've tried to ignore it,

If I'm gonna reinvent myself, I need these surgeries,

If you ever carried out your proposed threat,

If you want, he'll show you his great big gun.

If you're an English speaker, please say, Yes...

In 20 years of service. Security blanket now.

In a situation where your man is threatened, the training kicks in.

In fact, we're moving you out of SIGINT entirely.

In many ways, I'm a lot happier now.

In praise of Old Nassau

In praise of Old Nassau, my boys

In the gut area. Derri�re, not so much.

Independent thought is not valued there.

Information is power, Ted. Hello!

Into his car. Follows him.

Ironside has left the building. We called him Iron Ass.

Is Chad running away from something?

Is he... Was he... Well, I don't know what the term is.

Is something wrong, Harry?

Is that a law firm?

Is that goat cheese?

Is that it? Mmm hmm?

Is that my date list?

Is that you?

Is there a men's room?

It can't always come from me.

It comes from a place of humor.

It doesn't sound like he's gonna play ball.

It sure has.

It was crazy the first time, and you want to do it again?

It was in broad daylight, on the street.

It was just lying there.

It was unavoidable, Ted. It won't happen again.

It's a long story.

It's become complicated.

It's hard to inflict that kind of pain, you know.

It's just, I think that's why we can afford to be big.

It's just, you know...

It's Linda.

It's Monica.

It's muscle memory. Just like that. It's reflexes. It's...

It's not a big market.

It's not going to do any good, Linda.

It's not like that's the only way to make money.

It's Oliver interrupting the filibuster with...

It's personal taste.

It's Princeton? '73?

It's the residence of this guy, Osborne Cox.

Jane Alexander is a client,

Jeez. The nerve of that guy!

Jesus fucking Christ!

Jesus, you gotta be kidding me. I'm a hobbyist.

Jesus. Grow up, man. It happens to everybody.

Just a Tab.

Just for starters.

Just lying there.

Just the right amount.

Just, for now, just keep an eye on everyone, see what they do.

Katie's had trouble accepting it.

Kolyma Two tells us they have computer files

Kolyma Two?

Later. I'm running home.

Laundry marks?

Let me get this crap off my face.

Let me tell you...

Like stretching the skin over a drum.

Like you're so plugged into

Like, you know, the Good Samaritan tax,

Linda Litzke.

Linda Litzke.

Linda, a Mr. Krapotkin on line two.

Linda, I have to tell you.

Linda, these surgeries...

Linda, this whole thing is crazy.

Linda?

Listen to me very, very carefully.

Listen to me, you two clowns.

Live dangerously, huh?

Look, I have a date, so...

Look, Oz, look.

Look, Oz, this doesn't have to be unpleasant.

Look, Ted, I know that you can't authorize an advance on my salary,

Looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor.

Loser. Loser.

Manolo, you didn't find this.

May I ask the source of this material?

Maybe I can get a run in.

Maybe. Just as long as we're talking about Ozzie here, not you.

Me, too.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mr. Krapotkin? Is this a secure...

Mrs. Cox, you cannot let this man

Mrs. Cox, you cannot let this man

My bike!

My car is here. I'm off, mystery man.

My check was returned for insufficient funds.

My day didn't revolve around whether...

My guy was in State, the Secretary as a matter of fact,

My job involves public interface.

My larynx swells up and it closes... What the hell.

My memoirs, the book that I'm writing.

My mother had an ass that could pull a bus.

My point is, it's a journey.

My point is...

My whole fucking life. But guess what.

My wife hired you?

Never heard of him.

Next to you, we all have a drinking problem!

No big deal. Never discharged it

No one else really knows anything. Okay.

No way!

No way. No, no way. Whoa! No way, Linda. No.

No, a rock band. Yes, it's a law firm.

No, fuck.

No, I don't know. He just disappeared.

No, I write children's...

No, I'm all woman!

No, no. It doesn't start for five minutes.

No, not yet. Chad Feldheimer, he's one of our trainers.

No, nothing yet.

No, only the guys do.

No, Ozzie wasn't there.

No, sir.

No, sir. He's in a coma.

No, those are four different operations. It's very complicated.

No, we can't.

No, you cannot wear that.

No, you may not.

No! I'm very worried about my associate, you know, Chad.

No! No. God, no. We don't want those idiots bumbling around in this.

No! No. God, no. We don't want those idiots bumbling around in this.

No.

No.

No. Back of the car, not a rear entry situation.

No. It's not about the surgeries, Ted!

No. Look, could I come in and discuss this?

No. No, I'm sorry. I don't know the number to my savings account,

No. Okay. Now, okay, okay.

No. She isn't. Hers is the 5719 number.

No. Then our guests came and then...

No. Two friends did, though, and they both got hooked up...

No. Uh uh.

No. Yeah. Can you come home? Baby needs you.

No. Your wife hired Tuchman Marsh. Tuchman Marsh hired me.

Not counting my labor and the cost of the dildo.

Not just fun and games.

Not quite certain, sir, but it's messy.

Not really, sir.

Not so much PP, personal protection.

Not to his ass, either!

Not to his face, of course.

Not too sad.

Not too tight, though.

Not with these ham hocks!

Now it seems like it's all bureaucracy and no mission.

Now let's add the arms, right here.

Now with cell phones? I mean, pretty soon everybody's gonna know

Now, I told myself that I wasn't going to be paranoid,

Now, we can also do something about the vaccine scar.

Now, we do breast augmentation...

Number four.

Of classified material is a federal crime.

Of course we're talking about Ozzie.

Of course, that would be easier for you.

Oh, my fuck. I killed a fucking spook.

Oh, my God, am I really late?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What the fuck?

Oh, no. Anything good?

Oh!

Oh! Fuck, yeah. God! Where is she?

Oh! I understand.

Oh! I'm on the legislative side.

Oh! Thank you.

Oh! Why so uptight, Osborne Cox?

Oh! Yeah, it's a beloved, beloved series.

Okay, no biggie.

Okay, no biggie.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I gotta do at least five.

Okay. Loser.

Okay. Not what we know.

Okay. Oh, my God!

Okay. Okay. If he wakes up, we'll worry about it then. Jesus, what a clusterfuck.

Okay. You know his Social Security number?

Olson, what's up?

On your totally unsecure phone,

Once you get up around 40. The body just tells it to go there,

Once you get up around 40. The body just tells it to go there,

Open your mouth, open it. Do as the doctor says. Come on, open your mouth.

Or maybe Ozzie knows about them.

Or whatever the fuck it is...

Or, you know, a sort of memoir.

Organs?

Osborne Cox?

Osborne Cox.

Osborne? Osborne Cox?

Ouch.

Our man in the Russian Embassy.

Our man surveilling hears a gunshot,

Ozzie, look...

Ozzie, things have not been going well, as you know.

Ozzie, what's going on?

Ozzie!

Ozzie?

Ozzie. Come on in.

Palmer, what's up?

Palmer, with all due respect,

Palmer. What's up?

Paper files, computer files, whatever. That's your prerogative.

Pardon our dust, the ex is in the process of moving out.

PC or Mac?

Peck, yes, hiya. Olson, by reputation.

Perhaps...

Personal protection's a young man's game.

Picture's in the file, with Pfarrer's.

Please stay on the line for the next available agent.

Plugs?

Probably. I mean, I got his name, not his rank.

Put up a note?

Put your feet in the stirrups and...

Put your supervisor on, please.

Rains all the time. What else are people gonna do?

Rapport. Very little rapport

Really?

Report back to me when...

Right there on the floor there.

Right, Osborne Cox.

Russian Embassy.

Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago.

Secondly, the unauthorized dissemination

Secrets that might interest the organs of the...

See, I lack that. I'm not set up to mold hard rubber.

Sees the guy wrestle something

Served and witnessed.

Seven and Seven.

Shake it down

Shakes right

Shall I give you my account number?

Shall we give him a tinkle?

She says she'll play ball if we pay for some,

She says she'll sit on everything.

She writes children's books.

She'll stay with us for our next segment

She's a cold, stuck up bitch.

She's a cold, stuck up bitch.

She's married!

She's not a moron.

She's pregnant!

Shit, yeah.

Shot your analyst?

Signals intelligence shit? CIA shit?

Since, you know, Chad's been missing for 48 hours.

Sitting around trying to memorize the fucking numbers

So he examines the files and pulls off the digital watermark, which tells you

So I did a lot of traveling.

So if I were divorced...

So it's money! So it's money!

So it's not just one thing, but they're all approved by my doctor.

So keep it where it is.

So let's figure this thing out, okay?

So they gave you a pension or severance or something?

So we can find out where he lives, right?

So we don't really know what anyone is after.

So we've drawn up the papers,

So what should we do with him?

So you don't stand out in his neighborhood.

So you don't want a sex change!

So you misspoke.

So, is he high up?

So, that's it then?

Some clown, or two clowns, have gotten a hold of my memoirs.

Some people.

Somebody has him, Ted. We can use this to...

Something, isn't it? 100 bucks all in.

Sources.

State Department.

Stay here and get dressed.

Stolen it, or... I don't know how...

Stop!

Stop! Intruder! Stop!

Take advantage of you, and he will.

Talking about SIGINT and signals and shit and...

Talking here about department heads and their names and shit.

Ted, can I talk to you about our Mickey Mouse HMO?

Ted, have you ever heard of the power of positive thinking?

Tell him we're gonna give it back.

Thank you, Ted.

That elective surgeries are...

That marker tickles.

That must be how they got the files.

That people turn themselves around,

That she wants, cosmetic surgery.

That she would give you the message.

That sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist.

That was a bit more difficult.

That was way out of line. We were so unbelievably clear with them,

That your empty little head would be spinning

That's a little...

That's about the only thing we ever agreed on.

That's all Manolo found. That was everything.

That's cool.

That's fantastic.

That's gone, sir.

That's good, but, Linda, what do you really know about this guy?

That's great. That's exciting.

That's just a Kryptonite lock. You can open those fuckers with a Bic pen!

That's just a taste.

That's my point. I don't want to stay where I am.

That's not gonna go off, is it?

That's right, Ted. I would be laughed out of Hollywood.

That's right! Not always!

That's right. That's understood. You've been very straight.

That's what was agreed upon, Osborne Cox.

The account is not overdrawn.

The body is...

The book is Point of Order Oliver!

The bureau chief in Belgrade we all call Slovak the Butcher.

The buttocks and upper arms begin to store more fat

The cheeses?

The cheeses? Were they ready?

The choices you make...

The facial tuck, which I would strongly recommend over the chemical peel.