Smart Pipe | Infomercials | Adult Swim Edit

ALL RIGHT, MY MAN.

ALL RIGHT, TIME TO MEET THE PERSON WHO MADE THIS DREAM A REALITY.

AND IF IT WERE UP TO ME, THEY'D ALL GET THE CHAIR.

AND IT'S NOT JUST REACTIVE.

AND ONE OF THE HOTTEST DISRUPT TECHNOLOGIES AROUND IS

AND RE EXAMINE OUR OPTIONS.

AND THAT'S NOT JUST A WIN FOR COMPANIES.

AND THE REST FLOWED FROM THERE.

AND THEN YOU GET THE TREATMENT YOU NEED.

AND WHY DO WE WANT IT?

AND YOU'RE ALSO GETTING UPDATES FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO USE SMART PIPE.

AT CHRISTINA'S FINGERTIPS IS A PORTAL TO THE ENTIRE SMART PIPE ECONOMY

ATTACH THE RECOGNITION DEVICE, KEEP IT CONNECTED TO THE WIFI, AND

AUTHOR, TV PERSONALITY, AND SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER.

AWESOME.

BEING ABLE TO MONITOR WHO'S USING YOUR PIPES FROM ANYWHERE.

BOOM, AND I'M STAR STRUCK.

BUT I STILL GOT QUESTIONS, LIKE IF SMART PIPE ISN'T DOING ANYTHING WRONG

BUT IF WE KNEW WHERE IT WAS, WE'D BE OPENING OURSELVES UP TO ALL SORTS OF REGULATORY HASSLES

BUT IT'S NOT ALL FUN AND GAMES.

BUT THAT'S WHAT THE GOVERNMENT WANTS.

BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING EVERY TIME YOU DON'T USE SMART PIPE.

BY KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE FLUSHING

BY LETTING PRIVATE COMPANIES AND OTHER INTERESTED PARTIES BID ON YOUR WASTE PROFILE,

CALL HER. FIND OUT WHAT'S UP.

CALL MITCHELL'S OFFICE AND ACTIVELY HARASS HIS STAFF.

DIDN'T I SEE THAT SMART PIPE HAS ALREADY SAVED MORE LIVES THAN ALL DOCTORS THROUGHOUT HISTORY COMBINED?

EXACTLY.

FOR FOLKS WHO'VE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK, WHAT IS SMART PIPE

FOR SEVERAL MONTHS WHEN THERE

FORTUNATELY, THERE WAS A SOLUTION.

GET ONLINE. SIGN THE PETITION.

GIVE HIM A LIKE!

GIVE IT UP, SCOUT.

HAVE INVITED YOURS TRULY TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

HE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING SMART PIPE SO SMART.

HE'S THE CAPTAIN.

HEY, LOOK, I'LL SAY IT.

HEY.

HOW COULD THE GOVERNMENT GET IT SO WRONG?

I GET TONS OF COUPONS FROM COOL RESTAURANTS.

I GET TONS OF COUPONS FROM COOL RESTAURANTS.

I HATE CHILD PORNOGRAPHERS.

I MEAN, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS INSTALL SMART PIPE,

I MEAN, COMPARED TO A SERVER FARM IN ARIZONA

I MEAN, THE FOUNDING FATHERS DIDN'T EVEN HAVE PIPES.

I MEAN, THEY WERE DEFECATING INTO OPEN TRENCHES, AND MILLIONS OF THEM DIED FROM CHOLERA.

I SEE YOU'VE MET ANDREW.

I TALKED TO CHRISTINA DARNELL, THE SMART PIPE COMMUNITY MANAGER.

I'D BE THRILLED TO ADDRESS ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE ABOUT SMART PIPE'S STATUS AS A SEX OFFENDER.

I'M HERE WITH SMART PIPE'S HEAD OF PRODUCT, NOAH MARTIN.

I'M SASCHA KEMMIS POWERS,

I'VE BROUGHT IN DAVID TINSKY. DAVID IS A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER AND CONFESSED PEDOPHILE.

IF I HAD INFORMATION THAT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE

IF SMART PIPE DETECTS SOMEONE IT DOESN'T RECOGNIZE, YOU KNOW INSTANTLY.

INTEREST TO KNOW WHERE IT IS.

IT JUST MEANS CHANGING THE GAME,

IT SCANS EVERYTHING THAT YOU FLUSH.

IT SEEMS DECIDEDLY UNCOOL TO ME.

IT SOUNDS BAD, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY GOOD.

IT UPDATES YOUR WASTE STATUS ON ALL OF YOUR ACCOUNTS AUTOMATICALLY.

IT'S ASTRONOMICAL.

IT'S COMPLETELY IMPENETRABLE TO PIRATES OR FOREIGN NAVIES, OWING TO ITS 100% SPHERICAL CONSTRUCTION.

IT'S FUNNY THAT CONGRESS IS SO HUNG UP ON THIS.

IT'S NOT IN SMART PIPE'S

IT'S PROACTIVE.

IT'S SO ROUND THAT BULLETS AND LADDERS JUST GLANCE RIGHT OFF OF IT.

IT'S TIME TO SAY NO TO PRO DEATH OBSTRUCTIONISM.

LET'S GO.

LET'S SEE HOW I DID.

LET'S SHOW HIM THE PHOTO.

LIKE RIGHT NOW, ANY TIME THAT SMART PIPE DETECTS FOOD PARTICLES FROM RED ROBIN IN YOUR WASTE

LIKE WITH TARGETED ADS

LIKE WITH TARGETED ADS

LUCKY ME, THE FOLKS HERE AT SMART PIPE

NO WAY.

NOW, THAT'S PEACE OF MIND.

NOW, THINK HOW EXPENSIVE IT IS TO MAINTAIN ALL THIS

OF COURSE, WE DO GET REPORTS OF SIGHTINGS

OKAY, NOW FOR THE FUN PART.

OKAY, WELL, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION

OLD COLLEGE BUDDY HAVE A LOT OF NIACIN IN HIS URINE?

ON ALL THE HOOPS YOU HAVE TO JUMP THROUGH BECAUSE OF OUR BROKEN CONGRESS.

OR THE LIFE OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS,

SMART PIPE ATTACHES TO YOUR EXISTING PLUMBING INFRASTRUCTURE.

SMART PIPE IS AVAILABLE AT NO COST TO USERS.

SMART PIPE NOW STORES ALL METADATA IN A SECURE OFFSHORE SERVER.

SMART PIPE.

SMART PIPE'S SOCIAL COMPONENT HAS SPAWNED A WHOLE GENERATION OF CELEBRITY PIPERS

SO COOL!

SO, I CAN "LIKE" ANYTHING THAT PASSES THROUGH MY FRIEND'S PIPES OR RE PIPE IT TO MY DOWNSTREAMERS.

SO, THE MORE FRIENDS YOU HAVE, THE MORE CONNECTED YOU ARE.

SO, WHEN YOU SYNC YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA WITH SMART PIPE

TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THAT.

THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A SUPERHERO INFO MAN!

THAT WILL GO GREAT IN MY DIGITAL POSTER WALLET.

THAT'S A GREAT POINT.

THAT'S NOT AMERICA.

THAT'S NOT CHILD PORNOGRAPHY.

THE BARGE IS A 500 TON PALLADIUM CRAFT WHICH HOUSES OVER ONE MILLION EXABYTES OF SERVER SPACE.

THE BARGE, THE SATELLITE, THE ROBOT CAPTAIN.

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE, RIGHT, MY MAN?

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE, RIGHT, MY MAN?

THE CONVENIENCE FACTOR ALONE MAKES IT WORTHWHILE

THE FACT IS THAT SMART PIPE

THE FACT THAT MY METADATA IS OUT THERE IS GREAT FOR ME AS A USER.

THEN IT USES WHAT IT FINDS OUT TO MAKE LIFE BETTER.

THEN WHY ARE THEY THE ONLY CORPORATION TO EVER BE OFFICIALLY DESIGNATED AS A SEX OFFENDER?

THERE'S A ROBOT ON THE SHIP?

THEY GOT EVERYBODY TALKING.

THIS IS SCOUT CONDOR.

THIS IS THE BARGE?

TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THE IMAGES WE ARE SENDING ACROSS STATE LINES DO NOT, IN FACT, CONSTITUTE CHILD PORNOGRAPHY,

TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE SOCIAL SIDE OF THE BIZ,

TWEETS IT AT HOSPITALS IN YOUR AREA,

WAS A GOVERNMENT INQUIRY AND WE

WAS OPERATING WITHOUT INCIDENT

WE MAKE IT FUN AND EASY TO STAY CONNECTED TO YOUR FAVORITE BRANDS.

WE'RE EMPOWERED IN WAYS WE'VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE.

WELL, WHERE IS IT NOW?

WERE FORCED TO CEASE SERVICES

WHEN WE SAY THAT SMART PIPE BRINGS ALL YOUR PROFILES UNDER ONE LID

WHEN YOU USE SMART PIPE, YOU BECOME A PIECE OF VALUABLE, SELLABLE INFORMATION.

WHEN, IN FACT, THE ONLY ENTITY WITH FULL, UNFETTERED ACCESS TO YOUR ANAL TOPOGRAPHY IS A ROBOT.

WHERE YOUR SMART PIPE DATA IS AUCTIONED OFF TO DRUG COMPANIES, HOSPITALS, CORPORATE HEADHUNTERS, SPECULATORS, AND MORE.

WITH OVER 100,000 DOWNSTREAMERS,

WOULD YOU FLUSH THAT?

WOW. AMAZING STUFF.

WOW. I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH TODAY.

YEAH, HE'S CATCHING ME UP TO SPEED

YOU EARN POINTS THAT CAN BE REDEEMED FOR A FREE DIGITAL POSTER FROM "THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY PART 1."

YOU EAT SOMETHING AND IT MAKES YOU SICK.

YOU GOT THE KEYS TO THE KINGDOM!

YOU GUYS HEARD OF "DISRUPT," RIGHT?

YOU NOTICE THAT YOUR AUNT JUST FLUSHED A BUNCH OF BLOOD AND SEMEN?

YOU SAID IT.

YOU STARTED A REVOLUTION, DUDE.

YOU'RE ALWAYS CONNECTED.

YOU'RE ANDREW GOLDMAN, THE IN HOUSE COUNSEL FOR SMART PIPE.

YOU'RE SET.

YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD OF THEM.

AUTOMATIC CLEANING, REMOTE FLUSHING,

[ Chuckling ] YEAH. HI.

[ ELECTRONIC PINGING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ MID TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ TOILET FLUSHING ]