Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) Edit

A benchmark in the fitness community.

A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup,

A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra.

A David and Goliath story truer than the Bible itself.

A double fault final play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919,

A regional qualifying team, Average Joe's Gymnasium.

A reminder. All players must be vaccinated

A very nice office with a view and air conditioning.

Absolutely. I don't know how you say "Ms" for "Mr",

Actually, that's not true.

ADAA Continuation Rule 113 D, sir. Sudden death.

ADAA?

Add three pounds to the scales in the women's locker room before you go home.

Again, dyslexic players will not be allowed on the court.

Air Goodman, comin' at ya.

All I'm saying to you, Kate, is that you can admit the real reason why you showed up.

All mine.

All right, captains. Shake hands, and let's have a clean match.

All right, everybody. Smile big.

All right, fine.

All right, ladies, buckle up.

All right, you heard Billie Jean King. No crying in the breast milk.

All right. Bring it.

All right. Now we got our thing going on, maybe we'll start smacking each other.

All that weight is dangerous.

All the more reason for you to join us.

Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament.

Amber. Jeez Louise, what are you doing here?

And a low grade beaver tranquilliser.

And another. Peter La Fleur comes back into the game.

And from the girls' line, we need girl number

And he told me that his team really wants to win this one.

And hump it into submission. That's the only way.

And I put it on us to win. We were going off at 50 1.

And I think we all remember how that turned out.

And I won the Tour de France five times in a row.

And in concurrence with our sponsors, Lumber Liquidators and Omaha Steaks,

And introduce you to the team that will win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Open.

And it looks like they've come to a decision.

And it's all come down to this a Cinderella story.

And it's also true that money won is a lot sweeter than money earned.

And Joe's has lost their two best players early.

And learn about dodgeball?

And now, let's hear it for the West Davenport High School Charging Donkeys.

And now, without further ado, it gives me great pleasure to award...

And the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.

And there's also this.

And they got guys named Laser and Blazer and Taser, and all kinds of asers.

And they love you. Whoo, do they love you.

And they're like, "It's better than yours"

And upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match.

And walk away with $50,000 in stone cold cash.

And we're under way. Average Joe's versus the heavily favoured German team.

And will be forfeiting the championship match.

And with me, as always, is my partner in crime, Pepper Brooks.

And, La Fleur, best bring your bib cos it's gonna get messy.

And, like, no one's even left me a message, and it's been almost two months.

And, Steve, where do you go to do whatever it is that you do?

Any other questions?

Anyone? Top of your head? What's 50 times $100,000?

Anyway, we're a pretty tight knit tribe here, but there's always room for one more squaw.

Appeasement be damned.

Are inside it when I do.

Are you all right? You OK?

Are you angry now?

Are you reading the dictionary?

Aren't you Peter La Fleur?

As touching a moment as we've seen on the dodgeball court all tournament.

At Globo Gym we that understand "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders,

At Globo Gym, we're better than you and we know it.

Attaboy.

Average Joe's does some clear cutting of their own and moves onto the quarterfinal.

Average Joe's down to their final two players.

Average Joe's Gym.

Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes to drive their vorpal blade snicker snack

Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks.

Average Joe's has shocked the dodgeball pundits and made it to tomorrow's round

Average Joe's is too important.

Average Joe's planning to playa hate Skillz That Killz,

Average Joe's wins.

Average Joe's, ready?

Average Joe's, ready.

Bad dog. No grundle.

Ball me, Blazer.

Because here at Globo Gym, we're better than you.

Because I bought out the second mortgage on your gym.

Because I think you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Big friggin' surprise.

Blade.

Blitzkrieg, ready.

Blockers in the centre, funnelling, aim low and will someone catch a goddamned ball?

Bollocks.

Both feet must remain in the triangle at all times.

Boy, is my mouth watering.

Bringing you the finest in seldom seen sports from around the globe since 1999.

Brought to you exclusively here on ESPN8 the "Ocho".

But do you really think it's fair for them to put all that pressure on you? All the time?

But don'tjust take my word for it. Listen to these Globo gymers tell you how it is...

But I also handle real estate and tax law, which is why I'm here.

But I assure you, something gets lost in the translation.

But I believe she asked you to leave.

But I'd like you to reconsider as a personal favour to me.

But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit.

But if an impromptu car wash doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need,

But if there was a "Ms Mr", I'm a Ms as well.

But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed.

But if you feel like losin' a few pounds, gettin' healthier, and makin' friends in the process,

But it leaves Joe's on the wrong side of a 4 2 advantage.

But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.

But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now.

But never in all my years as a sportscaster

But not here, not at Joe's.

But remember, dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation.

But think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you

But we haven't even practised yet.

But with seven time ADAA All Star Patches O'Houlihan at the helm,

But with the support of my friends I got back on the bike

By opium addicted Chinamen.

By our governing body, the American Dodgeball Association of America,

By the power vested in me, I declare the winner of this year's

By the strictures of the employee employer relationship.

Bye bye.

Can't handle any complexity in it, you know?

Catch a ball, one of their guys goes out. One of our guys comes back in.

Catch it and throw.

Check these boots out for size.

Come on down and join the winning team,

Come on, baby, be there. Be there.

Come on, come on.

Come on, everybody headed down...

Come on, guys. We got Peter.

Come on, I wanna ride the roller coaster.

Come on, let's go. Let's see some movement. Chop chop.

Come on, Pete.

Come on, show of hands. Who wants to play dodgeball?

Come on, squeeze it, squeeze it.

Come on, talk to me.

Come on.

Come on. I get better runs in my shorts.

Come on. Only 19 miles to go.

Cos after this tournament, your gym, your life and your gal are gonna be mine.

Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur.

Damn right, it's better than yours

Damn right, it's better than yours

Dear Barbara.

Derek fell off the roller coaster and broke every bone in his body.

Do you realise you haven't collected any membership fees in 13 months?

Do you see? There's no way I can go back to working out at my high school.

Do you smell that fitness? I do.

Dodge, duck, dip, dive and

Dodge, duck, dip, dive and

Dodge.

Dodge.

Dodgeball is played with six players on each team, and six rubber balls.

Dodgeball Regional Qualifying Tournament and Grammar Jamboree to be

Dodgeball, eh?

Dodgeball.

Dodgeball.

Dodgeball.

Don't crap where you eat. I understand.

Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes are forming right now.

Don't go anywhere, folks. It's just getting exciting.

Don't hold out on me. What's happening?

Don't slack, Trevor. I'm watching you.

Don't worry about that guy, Justin. He's a total jerk.

Donkeys.

Down goes Goodman. Down goes Goodman.

Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5 and Mona Lisa Smile. Thank you.

During the ADAA required random drug screening,

Dwight Baumgarten still playing hard.

Dwight, Owen, what will you do if Joe's goes under? Work at the airport?

Dwight...

E.

Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A.

End of demo.

Every year in Obscure Sports Quarterly.

Everybody, calm down. We've got plenty of time to find other uniforms before we play.

Everyone, just relax. I've always found the best way to learn a sport is by playing it.

Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if...

Excuse me.

Facial, La Fleur. Total facial.

Fag.

Feathered and lethal. You just don't see it nowadays.

First of all, he is way more of a pirate than you will ever be.

For all of us, baby.

For cholera, syphilis and shingles before play begins.

Forfeit? Why?

Fucking Chuck Norris.

Gar, matey, where are you headed? Peter...

Gar, Steve.

Gar.

Gar. Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster.

Germans have a two one advantage. Great catch. La Fleur's back in the game.

Get a load of this guy.

Get it together. Let's play some dodgeball.

Get off me. Don't you touch me.

Get out.

Gimme that garbage. Shouldn't you be on a treadmill?

Globo Gym employs a highly trained, quasi cultural staff

Globo Gym hoping to drop an A bomb on the Kamikazes.

Globo Gym is a beacon of human physical perfection.

Globo Gym is a publicly traded company. There's nothing you can do about it.

Globo Gym says, "Domo arigato, Mr Roboto", and breezes into the semifinals.

Go ahead and have a bite.

Go at your own pace. That's what it's there for.

Go, Donkeys.

Goddamn you, Bernice.

Good deflection there.

Good guy wins, bad guy loses.

Good luck to you, Gordon. Remember it's 90% mental.

Good luck to you, making yourjudgments.

Good luck, White.

Gordo. Lose your temper. Get mad.

Gordon Pibb, alone, facing five Cougars. It's all over but the crying.

Gosh, I totally forgot to tell you. I took the $100,000 bribe that you gave me last night,

Gotta be limber and loose. That's the only way to play.

Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team needs real dodgeball uniforms.

Guys, I know this is tough to take,

Guys, I love the enthusiasm,

Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000 for playing dodgeball.

Guys. Not to be a nay sayer or anything, but the only customer we've had

Hands in.

Hang on a second there, sport.

Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?

Hang on. And another one.

Hard to believe I only got a semester ofjunior college under my belt.

Have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here.

He didn't mean that.

He gets the elimination.

He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.

He'll probably fall off the roller coaster and break every bone.

He's gotta avoid getting hit. That's the key.

He's in for quite a surprise.

He's right. He's right. It's a bylaw.

He's right. He's right. It's a bylaw.

He's right. The team already forfeited. There's nothing you can do.

Hell, son. You're about as useful as a cock flavoured lollipop.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to this year's Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open

Hello, Kate. I wasn't aware I was paying you to socialise.

Hello, Katherine. Good to see you. I didn't know you were dropping by.

Hello?

Hello.

Her nuclear power plant's team won the championship five years running,

Here comes the relatively unknown challengers,

Here on ESPN8 the "Ocho"

Here on ESPN8 the "Ocho".

Here, put that on.

Here. Justin, your virgin daiquiri.

Hey, all right.

Hey, asshole, you guys suck.

Hey, Brianna. Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Hey, you guys take vitamins? I take vitamins all the time...

Hey, you.

Hey, you.

Hey. I got some great news. Sit down.

Hey. I'm not a lesbian.

Hey. That's for you.

Hey. That's not true. I don't know why Peter left, but we can do this without him.

Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur, owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym.

Hits Me'Shell Jones right on the dome.

Hold your phone, she's got a cannon.

Holy mackerel, mister. You scared the jeepers out of me.

How about that, folks? Kate Veatch takes the bullet for Peter La Fleur. Now that's sacrifice.

How about that? A two on one switcheroo. Now Joe's has the upper hand.

How about those dodgeball dancers, folks?

How do I know? Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym,

How do you know where I live?

How'd you like to take a break from that fine lead based paint,

I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.

I always knew you were weak.

I am gonna be a gentleman about it and congratulate every one of them, personally.

I am so sorry. Are you OK?

I appreciate the effort. Don't pull a hammy over it.

I can be naughty, too.

I can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your membership,

I can't wait to start my own team at school.

I could teach you, but I'd have to charge

I do have to switch some funds. The charity I like to work with is gonna take a hit.

I do. We played it in PE last year. They showed us this film about it.

I don't know how they can play in diapers, Cotton. I never could.

I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000, except maybe in the movies.

I don't know.

I don't see any movement. Let's go.

I don't think they require ass less chaps, OK?

I don't want your perk package. I don't want your back rub.

I dropped by to congratulate you on your victory by disqualification

I earned this body and I built this temple

I feel dumb for asking, but how did you hear about it?

I feel like I'm watching a Cher video.

I feel shocked.

I figured the steady hand of a seasoned dodgeball coach could only benefit us.

I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it.

I get it.

I get it. You caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils.

I got ten minutes. I'll open it up to some Q&A.

I guess I'm not really an angry person.

I guess it must be the luck of the Irish.

I guess itjust isn't in the cards.

I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.

I guess you're right.

I have been to the Great Wall of China. I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt.

I have shareholders. You haven't even got cupholders.

I hope everything fits.

I just can't get enough of it. I'm really pullin' for you against those jerks from Globo Gym.

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I just want to see White Goodman's face when we win that tournament.

I know we've had our differences...

I know you said no to joining the team,

I know you. You know you.

I know you've been hiding some feelings for me.

I like to work out all the time for this kind of sporting event.

I like unicorns.

I love happy endings.

I love the energy here, but we're looking at this the wrong way.

I love the smell of queef in the morning.

I love the whole "I'm not OK, you're not OK, but that's OK" thing you got going.

I love you t...

I love you.

I mean normal for us.

I mean, come on.

I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?

I never been there, but I read about it in a book.

I never would have dreamed it possible.

I read about the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open

I remarried three years ago. An Internet mail order thing.

I say we go out there, let it all hang loose, try to have some fun.

I signed us up for the sub regional qualifier tomorrow at the Waldorf rec centre.

I spoke to White Goodman before the match

I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.

I think that guy might really be dead.

I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.

I told the bank that you were stealing and drinking on the job. They bought it.

I wanna burn.

I was in the neighbourhood and I thought you could use a cheering section.

I'll admit that, in spite of yourself, you have brief moments where you're not completely...

I'll simply have to woo Kate a bit sooner than nature intended.

I'm afraid, by rule, your team must be disqualified.

I'm also a client.

I'm bisexual.

I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?

I'm flattered by the gesture, but a couple of bucks here and there will be fine.

I'm gonna put on "The Thong Song", and we'll tear this place apart.

I'm gonna send you to hell.

I'm gonna shock the biceps later, then some cardio. Keep the body guessing.

I'm here to begin my courtship of you, Kate.

I'm just doing my job, Mr Goodman.

I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.

I'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone.

I'm not really a pirate.

I'm not wearing any panties.

I'm out here busting my butt and you come in with a bush league call like that? Bullcrap.

I'm so sorry. Hi.

I'm sorry, Amber. I got my own trophy to win.

I'm sorry, Mr Goodman. I don't date clients.

I'm sorry. We have a bit of a problem here.

I'm sure it's not that big of a deal. What happened at last year's tryouts?

I'm the laughing stock of the school.

I'm White Goodman, owner, operator and founder of Globo Gym America Corp.

I'm White, you know.

I'm your new boss, White.

I've been through this many times. I'm sorry. You can't stay away from me. I'm so stupid.

I've got some hookers in my room. What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.

I've got three weeks to whip you suck ass failure junkies into shape.

I've never seen him like that.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office doing Mad Libs.

If it's almost a sport, we've got it here.

If Peter La Fleur thinks a few red rubber balls can save his sorry gym,

If we beat this team, we're in the Vegas Open?

If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.

If you catch a ball that's thrown at you before it hits the ground,

If you don't leave in two seconds, you'll know how that feels.

If you're gonna learn to be true dodgeballers,

If you're gonna learn to be true dodgeballers,

If you're leading this squad, La Fleur, you've got to learn to do the dance in the dark.

If you're not a pirate,

Immortality five simple victories away.

In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks.

In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing that shit heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness.

In exchange for your kindness, I'll be splitting me buried treasure with you.

In fact, I actually prefer it over there.

In her home country of Romanovia, dodgeball is the national sport.

In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".

In some cultures, they only eat vomit.

In the bathroom.

In which case, I got some shackles in the back.

In your face.

Incredible. It's one on one.

Inform the committee and Mr Goodman about Average Joe's forfeit.

Into a Franken fine.

Into the heart of the dodgeball Jabberwocky that is the Globo Gym Purple Cobras,

Invest it in something. Give it to charity, I don't care.

Involuntary spasm. Look at the show. Enjoy the show.

Is that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.

Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers?

It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.

It doesn't matter. We can't come up with $50,000. We're screwed.

It is my honour to present to you this cheque for $50,000.

It is obvious that you dig me.

It is over between us, Kate.

It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story,

It'll be worth it when I make the cheerleading squad. Prove to Amber that I'm not a loser.

It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.

It's a metaphor.

It's all up to the only player without a Y chromosome, Kate Veatch.

It's called the Freedom of Information Act.

It's gonna be a good day. I'm proud of you.

It's gotta be the hair. It's beautiful.

It's just I'm trying this new voicemail dating thing.

It's Ms. I'll need to review all of your financial statements and assess any tax liabilities.

It's not my birthday till next month, but terrific.

It's showtime.

It's the truth. The sooner you guys get that through your head, the easier this will all be.

It's true I sold Average Joe's to White.

It's true that every man has his price.

Itjust doesn't look good for 'em. The winner of this match faces Globo Gym in the finals.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus. Gimme that.

Joanie loves Chachi.

Joe's gets an elimination. It's two on three.

Joe's is the place for you.

Joe's needs two "yes" votes to play.

Jokey... Joke maker.

Just a little bite. One little bite won't hurt you.

Just don't go cryin' to mama when I spank you in front of all these people.

Just like that, a three player swing. Joe's isn't done yet.

Just out of curiosity, who would want to buy this place anyway?

Just remember the five Ds of dodgeball.

Just remember the five Ds of dodgeball.

Just sign the contract.

Just two players left for Joe... Check that. Make it one.

Justin Redmond. Ready and super psyched.

Justin.

Justin.

Kate, if you wannajoin the team, all you have to do is ask.

Kate's not a muff diver.

Kick his ass.

L for love? That doesn't mean love...

L for love. Good times.

La Fleur can't hold on. He's gotta sit down.

Ladies and gentlemen, by the power vested in me

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the greatest happening in sport. Sudden death dodgeball.

Ladies, we gotta get on the court or we're gonna forfeit the game.

Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster.

Leather and latex belong in the bedroom, not on the dodgeball court.

Let me be the first to say goodbye to Average Joe's.

Let me guess why you're here, Pete.

Let's bounce. Cobras.

Let's not get hung up on details.

Let's not get hung up on details.

Let's play smart. Wait for two on ones. Cover closely for your pick ups. What's our motto?

Liberty, ready?

Line up, ladies.

Listen to this crowd.

Listen up, crotch stain.

Little help?

Look out. La Fleur goes down he's a sitting duck.

Look, I find White Goodman creepy, just like you do...

Look, Peter, I know what it's like.

Look. It's Steve the Pirate.

Looking to you to solve their every problem?

Looks like Average Joe's might be heading home early.

Looks like it's gonna be a two on one, a ménage à trois of pain.

Losers.

Lumberjacks, ready?

Maybe we could sell 'em for cash cos the car wash cost us money.

Maybe you should go say something to the guys.

Me'Shell. Please escort Ms Veatch out.

Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichski.

Midline infraction. You went over the line, you're out.

Money. $100,000. Dodgeball game.

Mr La Fleur, I can assure you this is a very serious situation.

Much like baldness or necrophilia,

My cousin Ray Ray. Boop. Dead.

My God.

My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

My name is Cotton McKnight

My sweet dick, it's magic.

My team.

My. The Germans losing in the first round and Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset.

Necessary?

Nice job, Susie. You call that a sit up?

No elimination. Double fault. You stepped over the line on the throw.

No need to raise your hands, it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off.

No need to raise your hands, it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off.

No one warned me. What happens now? I make my payments out to somebody else?

No, no, no, no, no. I can't.

No, thanks, I'll just stick with the scarf, but thank you.

No. But I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.

Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody.

Not nearly as much as your hair does. That's for sure.

Not quite.

Nothing. High school's changed a bit since I was a kid.

Now I'm going.

Now it's two on one. Who'd have thunk it?

Of 30 years of financial transactions, devoid of any filing system known to man.

Of course, S&M gear first made popular by the lyric poet, Sappho,

Of course, you'll still be you in a legal sense,

Of course. That's a totally common thing.

Of personal alteration specialists.

Oh, hello.

Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought I'd think that I thought I was once.

Oh, my God. We never even won a regional qualifying match.

Oh, tough sledding there. It's all even. Their fate hangs on the thumb of our final judge.

OK, come on. Let's get this out of here. You OK?

OK, crazy guy. I'm gonna go home now.

OK, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up and head on home, all right?

OK, guys. Any questions? Great.

OK, guys. Let's get out of here and get some rest for tomorrow, right?

OK, I think everybody knows...

OK, Romeo. Let me help you up.

OK.

OK. Let's have a clean match. Good luck, gentlemen.

Okey dokey.

On a double fault you go to sudden death elimination. It's Continuation Rule 113 D.

On behalf of the American Dodgeball Association of America,

Once all the players on one team are eliminated, the opposing team wins.

Once I find it, that be.

Once I thought of quittin', when I had brain, lung and testicular cancer at the same time.

One of your player's urine tested positive for three separate types of anabolic steroids,

One, two, three, Joe's.

Only striking an opposing player eliminates them. Catching the ball does nothing.

Or the strip o gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one year anniversary?

Ouch Town. Population: you, bro.

Out of nothing more than a little can do attitude and elbow grease.

Owen'll be team manager if you play.

Patches O'Houlihan. Seven time ADAA All Star is here to take you the rest of the way.

Pathetic.

People?

Pepper needs new shorts.

Pepper, it's clear what the crowd wants, but the committee members have the final say.

Pepper, it's clear what the crowd wants, but the committee members have the final say.

Perfect. What's the damage? What do I owe you?

Period.

Personal balls of any kind are strictly prohibited.

Personal cheque gonna be OK? Might have to wait till the end of the month to cash her?

Peter, is that true?

Peter?

Peter?

Peter.

Peter...

Pick up the pace. What a bunch of females.

Pity. I'll let you have your little moment, La Fleur,

Players, turn and step in.

Plus, all anyone ever remembers is what happened at last year's tryouts.

Plus, all anyone ever remembers is what happened at last year's tryouts.

Plus, another player from your team gets to come back into the game.

Point is, I would love to see your pretty little bone structure around here some more.

Prepare to be humiliated on cable television.

Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch.

Quick feet, fast hands.

Ready?

Ready? Dodgeball.

Real, freakin' naughty.

Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?

Really? You like it with those freaks over there in Loser Town?

Relax, Justin, it's just a cutout.

Remember to pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team.

Remember your training and trust your instincts.

Right in the tokus. 2 1, ese, and Globo Gym is dominating.

Right now, it feels a little bit like shame.

Right you are, partner. Great catch. La Fleur wheels and fires.

Right, well. You work for the bank. Bank works for me so, ipso fact, I'm your boss.

Right. And the stage is set for Darwin's cruellest play to unfold.

Rock it and shock it, baby.

Sad? You wanna know what's sad?

Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.

Saying, "Take care of your balls and they'll take care of you."

Sayonara, auf Wiedersehen and goodbye.

Screw you.

Secondly, we don't know who our best player is yet. We've only had one game.

See, Peter, I wasn't born expecting the world to do me any favours.

Set. Dodgeball.

Sexual harassment, mostly.

She knows I don't like it when she watches me. I get all nervous.

Short of robbing a bank, I'd do it.

Show them, Fran.

Sign up now.

Since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead and do some abs, go shock it up.

Sir, I need you to take a look at...

Six grown men playing dodgeball.

Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's, doing more dancing than dodgeballing.

Skillz That Killz, ready? Average Joe's, ready? Dodgeball.

So blow out the horse hockey and remember what I taught you.

So close your rule book on that one, Poindextor.

So don't go anywhere, folks. The Schadenfreude is about to begin.

So far, yeah. There's a lot to do over there, so I should probably get back.

So I guess I'll just take your advice and invest in something.

So I threw out those old ratty ones and designed these myself.

So I would control Globo Gym and everything that Globo Gym owns,

So that's the deal. I give you $100,000, you sign over the deed to your gym.

So that's the deal. We got 30 days to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history.

So that's the deal. We got 30 days to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history.

So what happens on a double fault?

So, I trust everything's going swimmingly with our acquisition of Average Joe's?

So, please, whatever you do, don't think of me as your boss.

So, when you're picking players in gym class,

So, when you're picking players in gym class,

Sooner or later, Average Joe's is gonna close.

Sorry I'm late. You won't believe whatjust happened. Hey, guys.

Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract. It'd be a conflict of interest.

Sorry, miss, but you're out. You gotta get off the court.

Spare me.

Spare me.

Sportsmanship be darned. Globo Gym hands the Las Vegas Police a 187,

Stand before us, aglow, as true dodgeball champions.

Started reading it in college, for the chicks.

Steve be a touch short this month.

Steve? Steve the Pirate? "Scurvy."

Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all King Midas's silver.

Suck failure, freaks.

Suit yourself, queer.

Suit yourself.

Take the money.

Team Blitzkrieg to the tournament floor for a first round match.

Team?

Technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this, but it's more like $73,313...

Than you could ever become without us.

Thank you, Peter. I don't.

Thank you.

Thank you. Nice to be in Vegas.

Thanks, man.

Thanks, Mr Goodman, but I'm contracted by the bank.

Thanks, Peter.

That all changed once I founded Globo Gym.

That feels good.

That is pure poppycock. You're gonna let them do that?

That is rich. A real sauciness that I find extremely attractive.

That way, you can all gang up on the weaker ones, like Winston here.

That's all right. Just pay me when you get the money.

That's gotta hurt.

That's it.

That's just her change up.

That's me, six years and 600lbs ago, before I knew how much I hated myself.

That's rad.

That's really good, Peter.

That's the American Dodgeball Association of America.

That's the way you hurt 'em. That's the way you win.

That's very nice, Gordon, but everyone's tired. Playing a game isn't gonna help.

That's where we come in.

The Average Joe's catches a break there.

The best part is it's open to any team that wins a regional qualifying match.

The championship dodgeball match here on ESPN8 the "Ocho".

The committee can overrule the chancellor that's you, sir by a two thirds vote.

The dodgeball chancellor's an extremely personal friend of mine.

The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt. I'll make a barter with you.

The fifth win getting you the 50K that everyone's chasing.

The Germans still dominating this Maginot Line like defence.

The girls beat us fair and square.

The gym is mine. So you can take your band of yellow bellied losers and crawl out of here.

The hippies finally got something right. Just kiddin'. Not really.

The name's Patches O'Houlihan.

The object of the game is to eliminate the opposing players.

The only guy on our team who dresses like a pirate.

The player who threw that ball is out, not you.

The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars are all over Average Joe's today.

Then use the cheese to shove it to the edge.

Then you've got to learn the five Ds of dodgeball:

There's a good energy in the gym.

There's a tournament in Las Vegas. I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before.

There's an electricity in the air, a palpable hue of anticipation.

There's no resisting when White Goodman puts on his shiny shoes.

There's plenty of bar here for you and the Globo nauts.

There's someone out there for everybody.

These are my team mates, Dwight, Ms Veatch and Gordon.

These woodsmen probably haven't even smelt a woman in eight months.

These.

They better check themselves before they wreck themselves.

They don't make a "sorry your coach just got crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card.

They just assigned me to your account.

They signed some other pencil pusher to my account.

They'd laugh at me there. Lock me in lockers, make me eat clay.

They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.

They're just toying with the young man now.

They're not freaks. They're people, just like you and me.

They're not gonna get anything, Cotton.

They're up to something over there. I can smell it.

They've come from all over Kathmandu to Timbuktu, and all points in between

They've come from all over Kathmandu to Timbuktu, and all points in between

This a bad time? I could come back. Looks like some real dude sweat going on.

This Average Joe's team doesn't look up to snuff.

This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.

This is about gamesmanship. Throw early and you're defenceless.

This is Amber.

This is it, La Loser.

This is Seth from Videorama. The following DVDs are now overdue.

This is where dodgeball was invented in the 15th century,

This isn't right. This isn't what I ordered.

Those men and that muff diver believe in you.

Throw late and you're eliminated. Dilemma, thy name is dodgeball.

Throw out the rule book, folks, it's down and dirty now. Street dodgeball.

Thumbs up. Average Joe's can play.

Till next time. This is Patches O'Houlihan,

Timber. Peter La Fleur nails him. That's all she wrote, folks.

Time. Time is out.

Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex?

Tired of being overweight and under attractive?

Tired of the same old you?

To be continued...

To compete in the one true human test dodgeball.

To declare the winner of this year's Las Vegas International Tournament to be...

To the tournament floor we go, for the sceptre presentation from the Dodgeball Chancellor.

Tomorrow we're gonna pecker slap those Globo Gym bastards.

Too late. Your lovable band of losers already forfeited. The trophy and money are mine.

Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, OK?

Touché.

Trust me here. If there was any way in the world we could raise $50,000 in 30 days,

Turn it up high, Reggie.

Two players left on each side. What a match. What a sport.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Unfortunately for Troop 417,

Unless you're into that sort of thing.

Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.

W h i t.

Wait, wait. Peter. Peter.

Wait. Aren't you gonna stay for the trophy?

Wait. There's a guy on our team dressed like a pirate?

Walk with me.

Watch him, man.

Watch it, freak.

We are ready to play.

We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras

We can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning

We can'tjust sit back and let Globo Gym take us over.

We caught those dirty Krauts napping, but that won't happen again,

We could play dodgeball.

We could sell blood and semen.

We get our first glimpse of the Average Joe's squad, sporting unwieldy uniforms.

We got lucky in the first round.

We got plenty of work to do. Let's go.

We gotta start looking at this Irish wake style.

We have to qualify for the Vegas Open. Tomorrow's regional's our last chance.

We just have to figure it out. Owen, you'll have to play.

We missed you.

We punch the pizza dough down, and it's time to sauce it up.

We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.

We should mate.

We were the centre Kewpie. With no centre Kewpie we can't do our routine.

We'll be right back after these words from our sponsors...

We'll be shutting off your water and power at 5pm today

We'll play with four people. It's not an advantage. Can't you bend the rules?

We're both leaders. And I like what you've done with the gym over there.

We're coming to you live from the Las Vegas University Learning Annex.

We're gonna get our taints handed to us.

We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow and we're probably gonna lose.

We're gonna split, but we'll see you at the tournament.

We're just around the corner. My gym's here. I promise we're almost there.

We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico City. I've been boning up on my Spanish.