The Last Boy Scout (1991) Edit

A guy who looks like he just slept in his clothes.

A highly enlightened position.

A long time ago. the same bastard saved the president's life.

A male somebody. 'cause the toilet seat's up.

After fucking your wife. I'll take two.

After his death...

Ain't a thing here.

Ain't life a bitch?

Alex was my son.

Alex. the astronaut.

Alex. the astronaut.

Alex. the pediatrician.

Alex. the pediatrician.

All private detectives are scumbags.

All right. Come on. let's go.

All right. I forgot.

All right. Let's bring out a woman who's always in the mood.

All this steam in the shower. like somebody was just in there.

Allegations of drug abuse.

Always criticizing. I can't do nothing right.

An actual house.

And Baynard had you fired?

And I'm sick and tired of sweeping up your dead bodies!

And I'm supposed to tremble with fear?

And Reindeer Goat Cheese Pizza.

And that is why I love America.

And then some.

And then some.

And these two assholes with him?

And will blame you for the crime.

And yes. friends. it really is that wet.

And you're not worried about the alarm.

Any chance they're still alive?

Anything else. Lieutenant?

Anything that much fun l'd rather do myself.

Apparently. there are too many bullets in this gun.

Apprise Rodney Dangerfield here of his situation.

Are you getting a divorce?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding?

Are you still taking charity?

Arrest him!

As chairman of the commission. I'll simply say this:

Aside from that. I can't help you. May we go now?

At least I didn't shit my talent away on coke.

AUTHORlZED PERSONNEL ONLY

Baby!

Back up.

Back up.

Bad news is someone bounced Jimmy Dix off a car.

Bad news is someone bounced Jimmy Dix off a car.

Bails out. dumps it in my lap.

Banned from the League on gambling charges.

Bastard!

Bathroom's down the hall. first door on the right.

Baynard's home phone number.

Be my guest.

Be prepared. son.

Because he doesn't fuck up.

Because his dick was stuck in a chicken.

Because I gambled.

Because nowadays I only lose friends. drink and nail anything with a heartbeat.

Because she's 13 years old. jerk off.

Before you know it. you're chewing codeine with your pancakes.

Behave.

Ben told me about what you did for the president. I respect that.

Best arm in the National League. Remember that. you fat son of a bitch.

Billy Cole is having the game of his life tonight.

Billy Cole!

Billy Cole.

Bingo.

Blow me.

Boy. you sure are feisty for a fellow in your position.

Boys still giving her a hard time with her braces?

Brothers ride horses now?

Buckle your seat belt.

But Alex lived for 1 7 minutes in an incubator.

But He ain't answering.

But pro football does.

But she wasn't trying to get cash. She was trying to get my old job back.

But this once...

But you took an awful risk.

But you'll have to get in line.

Buy a dog.

Call the cops!

Call your shrink and tell him you're fucking losing it.

Calls me Joseph.

Can I have a minute with your mom in private?

Can I use your shower?

Can you explain the drop off in attendance and TV ratings?

Can you make him talk?

Can't you fucking drive?

Can't you see the hypocrites took away my life!

Careful. son.

Cars are getting too hard to steal.

Christ. Joe wasted the bastard himself.

Cigarette? Sure.

Circumvent?

Close. Actually. it goes to the mob.

Come here.

Come here.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. chickenshit. Bust me in the chops.

Come on. Dad.

Come on. get out of here.

Come on. I'll take you home.

Come on. Jimmy. think. think. think. What would Joe do?

Confidential. big boy.

Cory could've had plenty of rich guys. Me. she loved.

CORY EXOTlC DANCER

Cory had two cars.

Cory was blackmailing Marcone.

Cory's story about some weirdo hassling her was bullshit.

Could you postpone?

Couldn't take the pain.

Cut!

Daddy!

Daddy. can I go show Jimmy to my friends?

Damn. hanging with the Man.

Damn. where are they going?

Danger is my middle name.

Danger's my middle name.

Darian. get down.

Darian's classroom holiday picture. That was hers.

Did any of you stupid shits bother to frisk this fuck?

Discipline.

Do it.

Do me a favor. big mama.

Do what I say. Give me a kiss.

Do what you got to do.

Do whatever it takes. Understood?

Do you like my puppet?

Do you want it?

Does he punch all his heroes?

Does it look like that?

Does that piss you off?

Don't get out of your car.

Don't look like much.

Don't tell anyone.

Don't tell me how to talk to my kid.

Don't tempt me.

Don't touch anything. Don't leave a mess for the cops.

Don't try this at home. folks. I'm a trained professional.

Don't worry. I'll find your dad.

Don't you cry. honey.

Dude's trashed.

Dumb bastard. you'll pay for that.

Easy. Don't do nothing dumb.

Easy. Nobody's raining on your parade. I'm just keeping an eye on her.

Eat shit. you fucking redneck!

ELECT BAYNARD

Especially this fat fuck.

Everybody hates you.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Expecting a call?

Fast forward eats the tape!

Fast forward eats the tape.

Feel like l've been rode hard and put away wet.

Fifty bucks.

Fine.

Fine.

Fingerprints.

First and ten on the Cleveland 47 yard line.

First and ten, less than two minutes remaining.

Flash. I brought you a towel.

Football is a dying beast. Joe.

Football. Free agents ruined the goddamn game!

For 50 bucks you could pay a guy to pull her fingernails out.

For a dancer. he's one hell of a detective.

For your information...

Free to go.

Freeze.

Fresh out. honey.

Friends can't be perfect.

Fuck that!

Fuck that. We saw Cory get murdered.

Fuck you! Look at him. He's nothing. Guy's a piece of shit.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you. Sarah.

Fuck you. Sarah.

Fuck!

Fuck. you will.

Fur ball?

Gangland style.

Gangsters 'R' Us?

Get dressed and get out.

Get him out of here and kill him.

Get his attention.

Get the fuck out of here. Go shit in your own yard.

Get the fuck out of my house before I break your neck.

Get the goddamned key!

Get this kid out of here.

Give him the key or I'll have you kneecapped.

Give it to me.

Give me a chance. I'll get him back.

Give me ten black and whites. He's going to the Coliseum.

Give me the bad news first.

Give me the keys or I shoot the kid.

Give me the keys.

Give them to Jake.

Give up. What do you think Baynard'll do when he finds out you tried to kill him?

Go ahead and pull the trigger.

Go ahead. Take it.

Go ask your mother why Mr. Wonderful's not in jail for tax evasion.

Go find a cop and stay put. all right?

Go fuck yourself.

Go on. Get in there.

Go on. Take his watch.

Go to bed.

Go.

Go. Go. Run. Go find a cop.

Go. Tarzan.

God Almighty. when's it enough?

Goddamn it! Why didn't you say something?

Goddamn. I'm really glad to see you. Jimmy.

Gonna tell me who it is?

Good evening. gentlemen.

Good girl.

Good idea!

Good. I'll come with you.

Got a cigarette?

Got a light?

Got a match?

Got a match?

Got it! ''Cue Ball'' Morton. Used to sell hash in Boyle Heights.

Got that address for me?

Grab him. Grab him.

Great.

Green 88!

Guess he bailed out too late.

Guess not.

Gut.

Had time for one dream.

Hallenbeck just got back in to town.

Hallenbeck's a bum.

Hallenbeck's a fruit loop. He's been after Senator Baynard for years.

Hand him the briefcase. Joseph.

Happy birthday. Buy yourself a new pair of pants.

Harper Apartments. on Melrose. Why?

Have a nice night. Junior.

Have you ever heard of the Senate's Commission...

He ain't taking no calls that day.

He could be a goddamn cop. Will you frisk him?

He doesn't have a chance.

He fell asleep.

He gave it back because it wasn't enough.

He gets scared.

He got a beef with Baynard?

He just killed Chet. Put his fuckin' nose through his brain!

He needs a shave.

He should know.

He stole my car and said he's going to the Coliseum.

He stole my car. He set my pool on fire. The man is a lunatic!

He thinks he's Ward Cleaver.

He used to date her for a while. Treated her like shit and she left.

He waltzed right out of my office.

He was a scumbag private detective.

He was an asshole.

He was fucking my wife.

He was my best friend.

He'd kill me if he found out.

He'd shoot everybody. Smoke some cigarettes. But I have no gun.

He'll get over it.

He's got a gun!

He's got a shotgun! You bastard! You fuck!

Head or gut?

Head or gut?

Head or gut. Mike?

Hello, William. This is Milo.

Hello. handsome.

Help me!

Her high school picture was an aerial photograph.

Here.

Here's a man who knows when a situation is untenable.

Hey. Flash.

Hey. Furry Tom.

Hey. mister?

Hey. motherfucker.

Hey. ugly.

Hi. Daddy.

His bodyguards. He goes nowhere without protection.

His nose is too pointy. His eyes are beady. His ears are too big.

His team sits atop the Western Division at 6 and 2.

How about: ''lf there weren't cops here l'd spit in your face.''

How about: ''You're a lying bitch.''

How come Hallenbeck's neighbor claims...

How come?

How dare you come into this house and

How did she afford a place like this? These joints must run a fortune.

How do you know?

How fat is she?

How much?

How should I know? Our only evidence and your shitty car ate the tape!

How the hell should I know?

How would you like to get your old job back?

How you doin'?

How?

How'd you like to be kicked off the planet?

I also have in my possession a certain tape.

I am the bad guy.

I am very old.

I bet he stage managed the whole damn thing!

I better not find out it's you.

I brought you this.

I can't tell which of you looks the most like my dick.

I can't walk.

I could nail you for obstruction.

I didn't vote for you. son of a bitch.

I don't care.

I don't know about you. but I could use a drink.

I don't know anything about being a detective.

I don't know what she was into. but that was a professional hit tonight.

I don't know who the fuck you are or what's going on. but Cory's my girl.

I don't know.

I don't know. Junior. lf we're lucky...

I don't know. ls he dancing?

I don't know. yet.

I don't know. You tell me.

I don't see why not.

I don't use it. I get by.

I figure Mike was working for her. same as me.

I forgot to tell you.

I got a cigarette.

I got bad news and bad news.

I got it stashed in my shorts.

I got some ice cream. You want some?

I got them all in my hip pocket. except Senator Calvin Baynard.

I gotta be something.

I guess I'm in. What have I got to lose?

I guess we won't dance that jig.

I guess you don't want to wait that long.

I guess you're right.

I guess your dad's pretty pissed.

I hate Cleveland!

I hate this funk shit.

I just took a statement from Hallenbeck's neighbor.

I just wanted to shake your hand.

I knocked out four of his teeth.

I let the son of a bitch go.

I like ice. Leave it the fuck alone.

I like that.

I liked the guy she was fucking.

I meant. how did you find me?

I need you so much.

I only missed the best party of the year.

I said. ''Sit down! ''

I said. get out of here. kid.

I say. ''Why?''

I seem to have dropped my cigarette.

I spilled my warm cup of piss.

I still have that autographed ball you gave me for my collection.

I suspected.

I swear to Christ. if I survive this case. I'll dance a jig.

I think about him all the time.

I think he's awake.

I think I am losing it.

I think I fucked a squirrel to death and don't remember.

I think we might have to get some more.

I thought that was Cory's car at the bar?

I thought you were in Las Vegas.

I thought you were still in Las Vegas.

I thought you were tough.

I threw for 300 yards that day.

I told you no guns. right? I hate guns.

I told you...

I tried to bribe that son of a bitch.

I trust you're alone?

I use that shit to get by.

I used to be married.

I want to give you your birthday present.

I want to meet the bitch that fucked you up.

I want you to come back to my place with me.

I was a regular Boy Scout.

I was doing a skip trace.

I was going to leave a message.

I was going to leave a message.

I was thinking of a cave with skulls and shit.

I was.

I wasn't there to gamble.

I will adopt a position based on what is best for the sport.

I will dance a jig.

I wish I didn't still love my wife.

I wish the sky wasn't blue.

I'd prefer if you didn't use my name.

I'm a fuckup. but Uncle Jay. there's a real stand up guy.

I'm a private detective.

I'm awake.

I'm booked. You got plans?

I'm fuckface. He's asshole.

I'm going home.

I'm gonna make it.

I'm not the one who hates you. Joe. You're the one who hates you.

I'm okay. I'm not hurt.

I'm really good.

I'm reviewing both sides of the issue with utmost care...

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure they don't put it on with a paint sprayer.

I'm thinking I could use a partner.

If I didn't know better, I'd say you were contemplating something shady.

It's you, Daddy.

Jake attacks his job with a certain exuberance.

James Alexander Dix. quarterback for the L.A. Stallions. '89. '90.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. nothing changes.

Jesus. free agents. ''Give me. give me. give me. give me.''

Jimmy Dix. you bastard!

Jimmy?

Joe Hallenbeck.

Joe!

Just don't be surprised if you wake up next to a stallion head....

Just like Billy Cole did!

Just me and Flash know where it is.

Just stay on that side of the bar.

Just take it one step at a time.

Just their entire bookmaking income.

Just what I need. Nancy fucking Drew.

Just you.

Keeping her warm for me?

Kid stays.

Kids nowadays just don't have no discipline.

Kill everything within a ten foot radius.

Kiss my ass.

Kiss my ass.

L'll be all right.

L'll be in the kitchen.

L'll buy a dog.

L'll do it and then we'll both know that you're a fucking psycho!

L'll follow you home. Get in your car.

L'll give you a ride.

L'll have to charge you extra.

L'll kill you both!

L'll miss all those pleasant things you always say to me.

L'll need a light.

L'll say it again for the cheap seats. Lieutenant.

L'll start in a minute.

L'll start in a minute.

L'll think about it.

Last time I saw you drink straight vodka was when you had cheated on Cory.

Learned from a pro.

Leather pants?

Leave him the fuck alone.

Leave me alone! I hate you!

Leave this for the cops to analyze.

Legalize sports gambling.

Let her go.

Let me hear it. Let me hear the really juicy dirty words.

Let the girl go.

Let's go back inside and wait for Hallenbeck.

Let's hear it for Miss Cory.

Let's humor this asshole.

Let's just say...

Let's kick some butt!

Lf I were a cat. l'd purr.

Lf Mike knew this was dangerous...

Lf she's in trouble. I want to know about it.

Lf something happens to you...

Lf this is fucking ruined. I'm going to crush your nuts.

Lf we go any faster. we'll travel back in time.

Lf you had that goddamn tape you'd have already told me.

Lf you touch me again. I'll kill you.

Lf you wanted me dead. you'd have killed me before.

Lf you're fond of this little girl...

Life is pain.

Life sucks.

Lmprove your looks.

Ln the meantime. l'd like to see my family.

Ln the meantime...

Ln the office.

Ln the trunk.

Look at all this.

Look's like nobody gets the money. it's one of those new plastic keys.

Looks like an apple with lines saying. ''Don't open the briefcase. it's full of fruit.''

Looks like he's dancing.

Looks like one of those cardboard cutout things.

Looks like our evidence got blown up.

Loose the guns.

Love. Forget about it.

Ls Cory in trouble?

Ls everybody stupid around here?

Ls it a license plate in case it's stolen?

Ls that clear enough?

Ls that who you're paying off?

Ls this the death of professional football?

Lt ain't right.

Lt could happen to anybody.

Lt just happened.

Lt just happened.

Lt starts out...

Lt was an accident. right?

Lt would seem my job is done.

Lt would show you have some pride left.

Lt's 500 bucks.

Lt's a shame about you.

Lt's all business now. They push until you blow your brains out.

Lt's bad enough I gotta hear this shit all day. but I gotta hear it from you. too.

Lt's chocolate chip. your favorite.

Lt's cool.

Lt's dangerous.

Lt's his statement! it's bullshit. Hallenbeck is hiding something.

Lt's horse talk.

Lt's in a locker! I got the key!

Lt's in the back of a white BMW.

Lt's ironic. don't you think?

Lt's my turn to dance. Shit.

Lt's not working!

Lt's okay.

Lt's okay. it's okay.

Lt's okay. it's okay. folks!

Lt's pretty high tech. I put it in myself.

Lt's riddle time.

Lt's the only way. lf we do nothing. they'll kill her anyway.

Lt's too early for that shit. Let her go.

Lt's very abusive sounding.

Lucky for you they wired the wrong car.

Make her a one on your nose scale.

Make sure.

Make that two.

Man's skittish.

Matthews is fucking his wife.

May I have another?

Maybe I could take your daughter out.

Maybe I make it. maybe I don't.

Maybe.

Meanwhile. could I have a drink?

Meet you at your office in an hour.

Mike Matthews. I got a job for you.

Milo told me the money was destroyed.

Milo warned us to watch out for him.

Milo. teach him some manners.

Mine's Cornelius.

Mom's here.

More or less.

Mr. Dix. long time no see.

Mr. Marcone. are there any heroes left in this game?

My dad's a detective. What can I say?

My daughter. Darian.

My girl's dead. The guys that did it are at Spago's eating Chicken Marsala.

My God! lt speaks!

My husband did not kill a cop!

My name is Jimmy.

My subscription to ''Jugs'' just ran out.

Never call me a fuckup.

Never knew what hit her.

Next time I see your ugly mug...

Nice suit.

No heroes left.

No way.

No. I didn't mention it.

No. I got the fucking Vienna Boys Choir with me.

No. I played football. Jimmy Dix. L.A. Stallions.

No. I think that we're witnessing the death of good journalism.

No. I'll pass.

No. I'm just trying to break the ice.

No. it ain't right.

No. not too much.

No. we should just leave it for the neighborhood kids to play with.

No. you should not. Put the money away.

Nobody else has one.

None of your business.

Nope.

Nope.

Not anymore.

Not now.

Nothing happened to my face. lt always looks like this.

Now give me the bad news.

Now I'm not saying she's fat.

Now you got guys on PCP. shooting themselves on the field.

Now. that's not polite.

Now. where you want it? ln the chest? Or the head?

Obviously. her teacher wants to see us.

Of course she is all right. She's been with her Uncle Shelly.

Oh. baby!

Oh. God!

Oh. Harp.

Oh. my God!

Oh. yeah. the gun.

On the off ramp we just passed!

On your finger scale. how was my wife?

Only better than that. Like. you hit him with a surfboard and say:

Only friends call me Shelly.

Open up the holes! Get in there like pigs!

Or else you're history.

Or he'll go straight to the police.

Over here.

Over here.

Pablo could've shot you dead.

Pat Boone.

Perhaps we can dispense with the fun and games now.

Pick up his gun by the trigger guard.

Pick up your gun at the property desk.

Plastic keys? The kind that shred?

Play some rap music.

Please forgive me.

Pleasure.

Police and the DEA use it to blow locks.

Pretty poor attendance even for a night like this. wouldn't you say?

Pretty shortly. Milo will have him between the crosses of a high powered rifle.

Punch up his address and tell me where you send the tickets.

Push this fuck off the road. man!

Put down your weapon! You're under arrest!

Put the gun down. please.

Put them out of my misery.

Put this on. Get in. You in or out?

Put your hands together for the lovely and talented Miss Cory!

Real bullets.

Real guns.

SATAN CLAUS

Say what you got to say. or get out of my way.

Scared?

Secret service?

See? He's not so bad.

Seems like Senator Baynard has been getting obscene phone calls.

Senator Calvin Baynard. He's a season ticket holder. right?

Set!

She ain't coming up till she starts blowing.

She couldn't come 'cause she was eight months pregnant.

She didn't mention anything to me.

She died.

She hired my buddy. Mike. I'm just filling in.

She said her husband was a big pimp looking motherfucker with a hat.

She sounds like a real special girl.

She took to blackmail. I have no truck with that.

She'll be screwing them by the time she's 14.

She's 13 and if you look at her funny. I'll stick an umbrella up your ass and open it.

She's dead because of me.

She's gonna drown.

She's got some weirdo hassling her and I'm booked solid.

She's got some weirdo hassling her and I'm booked solid.

She's got your winning personality.

She's hot.

She's one of the sweetest little whores I ever tasted.

She's pissed off 'cause I wouldn't let her date Tommy.

She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

Sheldon Marcone, owner of the L.A. Stallions.

Shelly Marcone.

Shelly Marcone. Owns the L.A. Stallions.

Shit! You wasn't bluffing.

Shit. I forgot to tell you you're wanted for murder.

Shit. That's you?

Shit. We should do something to him.

Shit. we're alive.

Shitless. You?

Shock me.

Short notice. Best I could do.

Should I pay you now?

Shredders.

Shut up! Keep your monkey ass in the cage.

Since he's not under the bed. you must've stuck him in the closet...

Since I was little.

Since old Sonny Werblin paid $400.000 to Joe Namath in '66...

Since when?

Sit down.

Sit in Uncle Shelly's chair.

Six fifty.

Six fifty.

Six fifty.

Six hundred and fifty dollars?

Six mil.

Slow and easy.

Smile. you fuck.

So Hallenbeck says.

So I called him a couple of times. Shut the fuck up.

So I'm a low life.

So she just hired you?

So what's the next move. ace? Where do we go from here?

So when do you graduate?

So you'll bribe senators to legalize gambling.

So. what do we do about that?

So. what else?

So. what's next for us?

Somebody wired the car.

Someone here wants to talk to you.

Something like that.

Something stinks in here.

Sometimes you forget I'm a detective.

Son of a bitch!

Stick your head in that speaker.

Stole it from my dad's closet.

Sure thing. buddy.

Sure. After I'm dead. they'll perform the autopsy.

Sure. go ahead.

Sure. I know.

Take Chet's corpse away and fix Mr. Hallenbeck a drink.

Take it easy.

Take off your coats. Relax.

Take this ugly monkey and get out of here.

Taking off a senator is ballsy. even for an asshole like you.

Talking to Dudley fucking Do right.

Tell anybody. I'll kill you.

Tell me about it.

Tell them there's a bomb at the Coliseum! Senator Baynard's in danger!

Ten pounds of C 4 is on the way to the Coliseum right now.

Ten to one. this is what they were looking for.

Terrific. Comb your hair. I'll lend you a nice jacket.

Terrific. What'd you do last night?

Thank you. Thank you.

That door stays shut.

That ends the first half of play...

That means I'd cut off three fingers if God would let me fuck her.

That means I'd cut off three fingers if God would let me fuck her.

That scumbag tried to get you killed.

That shit happens real easy.

That. or a hell of a factory recall.

That's a shame.

That's all?

That's him. He was with her.

That's Marcone's car.

That's nobody.

That's so the gamblers will have a fucking accurate spread!

That's what everybody sees.

That's what you think. Last night I fucked your wife.

That's what your wife said.

That's why the car was there. Matthews was fucking his wife.

That's why we'll frame you for the senator's murder.

The American public's piss pot tired of it and they're changing the channel.

The bastard cheats on his taxes.

The commission's gonna vote next March.

The detective?

The first half stunk!

The Four Freshmen.

The girl said her dad's name is Joe Hollenbrooker.

The kind that shreds.

The old Satan Claus. he's out there just getting stronger.

The pants?

The pass is complete to Billy Cole.

The ratings are down.

The screaming part. I believe.

The senator got him fired from his job.

The Stallions need 7. A field goal will not do.

The surveillance job.

The truth is a beautiful thing.

Then a truck comes out of nowhere...

Then he died.

Then I'll put a bullet in that door.

Then what do I do?

Then you'll do it for free. Just do it elsewhere.

There he is! Jimmy Dix!

There is the matter of the $6 million.

There! That's the man!

There! There!

There.

There.

There's a lot of money on this game.