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Home > Muzlamic Soundboard
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Muzlamic Soundboard

Muzlamic Soundboard

Sketch comedy sketch show written by and starring Aatif Nawaz and Ali Shahalom that explores modern Muslim life. In this first episode we take a familiar trip to customs, Mabz The Barber gets embroiled in a turf war, and the battle for who is the ‘Whitest Brown Guy’ in Stevenage begins. Plus we meet the Shishafier and audition for “Halal Goals - The Mo Salah Story”.

NSFW Audio: Use caution, some sounds may be offensive
About your book, how has the response been so far
After the anniversary of September 11
AIRPORT TANNOY- Flight 348 for Zurich
Akmal
Akmal didn't even charge the clippers, bro
Akmal! What settings did you use on the towel
Akmal! Where's the towel- I don't want a hot towel
All the money in my will goes to my dog
ALL- What- Are you joking
Amazing, I love it so much. All right, listen, thanks and have a good day
And on Saturday, I'm going kayak shopping. I've never been before
And that's going to be me
And voice-note you, and all of that stuff, right
And we're going to Marrakech to do his stag do
And we're out
Angela, have you read my book
Angela, I'm a writer who just happens to be Muslim
Angela, it's a children's book! How could you even think that
Anwar, welcome. Thanks for having me
Any mention of honour killings or forced marriages
As a Muslim writer to speak out against the ills of your community
Back in Bethnal Green, Mabs is on his way to open up
Basically, one of our boys is getting married
Because he was the white... RIGHT guy for the role
Before you bounce, what's your number- My what
Big deal. I sunbathe at the slightest sight of sunshine
BOTH- Already done it
BOTH- Take both, bro. Here you go, bro. Take both
BOTH- Which one do you want
Bruv, bruv
Buddy, I am so white, I think chicken korma is far too spicy
But don't you think it was insensitive to release it so soon
But hey, Wahid's coming later, yeah- He's a top legend, yeah
But South Asian, buff and halal, do you know what I mean
But the audition is for Mo Salah,
But the role of Mo Salah has just been cast
But those people out there, they're my white people
But you have actually missed your two o'clock flight
But, obviously, we keep it halal. Hashtag halal, bro
By the way,
Call all my cousins
Can you both please remove your shoes
Celebrated author of acclaimed children's books
Come on, mate. Obvs
Come, come into my shop, man!
Competition amongst barbers in this area is fierce
Crimewatch reconstruction, hands up, hands up, yeah
Cuz, chill. You know what you need, yeah- You need a hot towel, bro
Danny will be in to interview you shortly
Do you have links with terrorism- Do you know how to make a bomb
Do you know Isis- To save time,
Do you know what- We literally just met
Don't worry, G, I miss me, too
ECHOES- Wipe, wipe, wipe..
Er... I-I don't know
Escaping from your skin and that, yeah
Every day, I open up at 9am. Right now..
Every morning for breakfast, I have...avocados on...toast
Excuse me
Excuse me- Excuse me- Are you that guy from the Dingles advert
Excuse me- You don't have an opinion
Exeter turned out to be a quality night out with the lads
Forced marriages of squirrels- Mr Hussain-Khan, I think many feel you should use your platform
Funny face, funny face. CAMERA CLICKS
Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got
Good, I'm all right. Yeah
Goodnight
G**** and mint
Grooming...- Unbelievable!
Have you ever had any trouble with the police
Have you ever had any trouble with the police-!
Have you two been in here before
HE GASPS
HE LAUGHS
HE SCOFFS You can't survive here
HE SIGHS
HE SIGHS What's your daughter's name
He wipes!
He's a smart guy. He's good. Nice guy. He'll go far
He's here now to discuss his latest book,
He's proper hilarious and that. I can't wait, bro
He's so stuck up and so entitled
Hey, Akmal! My man's gone to sleep, you know
Hey, here you go, bro, yeah- Here you go, G
Hey, hey, look at all the pollution, bro
Hey, I just met the guy from the Dingles advert
Hey, let's get a selfie one time, all right- Stop, stop, stop. Oh, OK
Hey, Mr Humble, Mr Humble, I saw you in the pakora ad
Hey, rise and grind, yeah, what you sayin', what you sayin'
Hey, Susie, it's me, the guy from the Dingles advert
Hey, um, I don't know if you realise,
Hey, you know the new guy starts today
Hey! Hey. Mushtaq Choudury! Yeah. How are you
Hey! Oh, I do apologise, though,
High, yeah- I am, innit
Hold on, hold on. Say it, say it. It's on recording
How is Russell Kane getting cast as Mo Salah
Huh
Humble yourself, you waste man!
I am Mo Salah. Yeah, but if you..
I bought them all from a Sri Lankan website, but that's not the point
I came in all the way from Milton Keynes for this
I can just send it to you right now, if you want
I can write about anything I please. Any final thoughts
I can't wait for National Pancake Day
I collect stamps
I did not know that
I didn't say brown. He said it
I don't know what possessed you to get a job here in Stevenage,
I enjoy bird-watching and trainspotting
I go camping twice a year
I have all of Jamie Oliver's cookbooks
I keep my festival wristbands on forever
I lick my dog's face back
I love it when my dog licks my face
I love saying, It's raining cats and dogs
I mean, if you want to
I mispronounce my own name
I prefer Sam, actually
I saw your advert for that mango juice
I shaved my friend's eyebrows off and puked on his face for banter
I take horse riding lessons every Thursday
I think the clocks went forward, isn't it
I thought..
I wanted to be a barber, bro
I was only in it for a second. No, but you were, like, so hilarious
I wipe
I-I thought I was here to discuss my book,
I'd just like to go over my notes one time before the interview,
I'm Angela O'Brien and joining me now is Anwar Hussain-Khan,
I'm basically the Edward Scissorhands man here
I'm so white, I don't even know what it feels like to be late
I'm so white, I have a loyalty card at Greggs
I'm so white, I only drink sparkling water
I'm sorry, we're out of time. Join us tomorrow on Chat To Me
I'm thinking about getting a rose tattoo
I've got a PDF copy with all the answers on my phone
If that's OK- Of course, I'll leave you to it
If you're not on social media, then bun your life, innit
In the cut-throat world of East London barbery,
Is it good news or bad news
Is that a comment on grooming gangs
It feels a bit strange to give you my number. You understand, right
It happened again!
It is not a tan, my friend. Nice one
It isn't good news, I'm afraid
It was nice to meet you, man. Hey, it's my little sister's birthday tomorrow
It was on a roundabout in Birmingham
It'll grow back tomorrow. You've ruined my face, man!
It's a bit inappropriate. Wow
It's a...investment into a perception, you know what I mean
It's all psychological, bro. And Mabs tries out a new treatment
It's been wonderful. It's literally been a dream
It's here! It's..
It's just the pollution, right,
It's not just that, is it- Laptops, belts, phones
It's the Edward Scissorhands man film
Kashmir
Keeping customers happy is key
Laters, Mo. Really good
Let me get you a hot towel. It's good for your skin, bro. Hey!
Let my man take a power nap. I'm going to check my socials
Looking forward to our welcome brunch!
Mabs has found himself embroiled in a turf war
Mabs increases his social media profile
Make sure you keep my beard line high, yeah
Many barbers feel a calling to their profession. Mabs is no exception
Mate, I'm so white, I think a grade C is a ready good grade
Me, I got 36,000 followers
Meet Mabs, owner of Halal Cuts in Bethnal Green
Mind giving her a little shout-out- She's called Susie. It's still recording. Let's do it
My daughter absolutely loves The Diary Of A Friendly Squirrel
My dog has its own Instagram page
Nah, nah, man, just chilling. Just filming this thing for the BBC
Never met a more arrogant person in my life
Next time on The Barber Shop..
No problemo. After you
No, no, I haven't, G
No, no, of course not, sorry
No, not... No, not Shamim, no, not Shamim, but everyone else, yeah
Nor have I. I don't think most people have
Not just shoes, bruv, come on, come on
Not Mo Salah's ears, so what are you doing here
Not really buying it, bruv
Now, how do you feel about 9-11
Now, Tom, the squirrel, forms an unusual friendship
Oh, chewing gum. Oh, yeah, of course, chewing gum, bro
Oh, it's three o'clock
Oh, my days, Sheraz. Yeah, mate
Oh, my God, do the voice. You know, the voice. That's Dinga-licious
Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm meeting you, man. Um, thanks, man
Oh, my God, you absolute legend. God, I'm posting that right now
Oh, my God, you legend! Wait, wait, I need to record it, I need to record it
Oh, of course I have! It's a charming story. Let's talk about it
Oh, oh, mango juice guy! Sick
Oh, please!
Oh, so you have no comment- Are you sympathetic towards Isis
Oh, well done, Russell. We'll see you next week for rehearsals
Oh, you must be Samir
Oh. Assalaamu Alaikum, brothers
OK, fine
OK, how about 7-7
OK, Sam. I'm George. This is Mo. Let me show you around
OK. Um, That's Dinga-licious
On your h..
Or I've got a printed copy
Our flight is at two o'clock tomorrow not today, silly
Plus, bro, even if I have lowered it, yeah, you're ****stani, bro
Really- Too big for your fans
Right, I mean, this all checks out. You're free to go
Right, you listen to me, Sam
See this- Obviously. Obviously. Yeah
See, you know what my favourite film is, yeah
SLOW-MOTION LAUGHTER
So we get a bit scared, know what I mean- Like with good posture
So, obviously, time to open up the shop and that, yeah
SOBS- You have to wash!
Some people!
Sorry, boys, we appreciate you all coming in,
Sorry, I just forgot to..
Sorry, why are you asking me this
Surprised to see you here. Yeah- Hey, congratulations
Thanks for coming in. Please, have a seat. Thank you
That must have been a proud moment, huh- Well done