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Home > Burnistown Soundboard
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Burnistown Soundboard

Burnistown Soundboard

The series is set in a fictional Scottish town called Burnistoun in the greater Glasgow area. The town's name is derived from the Springburn and Dennistoun areas of Glasgow. Iain Connell and Robert Florence write the show and it is broadcast by BBC Scotland. The show is produced by The Comedy Unit. The cast include Kelly McGlade, the town's answer to Beyoncé and a serial killer. Scott and Peter: Scott (Florence) and Peter (Connell) are two friends that live in the town. Kelly McGlade and the Sloppy Seconds: An aspiring girl band, led by namesake Kelly. The Burnistoun Herald: The town's newspaper, often centered around the bumbling, technologically-challenged editor. DJ Jesus: A recurring gag in the first series only, where a series of everyday sounds are created in a pattern by people, which is then revealed to be Jesus, who is told off by his father, God. The Butcher: The character killed off in the final episode of the first season by the town's murderer.

The town's DJ, who is frequently annoyed by the odd guests (often played by Florence) that appear on his show. The Alex Ciderson company sells a variety of things, many of which are strange or pointless, such as a scarecrow used for scaring away teenagers. Two bumbling, immature policemen, who, despite always referring to themselves as "quality polis," often make the situations they are investigating worse. Two working-class men in a same-sex relationship who are always worried about going places and doing things that appeal to a specific demographic outside their own. The town's superhero, Doberman Man was once a chubby young boy, turning him into a crime fighter. A man who makes videos of himself doing things in his room in 'FOR REAL' 'Jolly Boy John' and 'Connell John' 'The Quality Polis: MacGregor (Connell) and Toshan' 'Big Sanny Tolan's boy' 'MacGregor' is actually just a man who used to tease him for being a virgin in school. 'Toshan' is the town's archenemy and nemesis.

Warning: This soundboard may contain objectionable content, and is Not Safe For Work (NSFW)
A big pickled onion,
A bottle of limeade
A burger in a morning roll,
A burger in a sesame bun,
A burger on a sandwich,
A Dougie Donnelly action figure
A fake passport,
A filter on her phone, so please take that into account to help us
A green tatty-! Is it-!
A kettle to make your Pot Noodle,
A lighter,
A lonely woman touched a big stone
A murder
A nice wee Shiraz,
A packet of tattie scones,
A Pot Noodle,
A procession of beauties sure to ignite the fires of resentment
A real polis would staund like this
A SIM card,
A tattie scone,
A tattie scone! AUDIENCE- Whoo!
A thousand apologies
A working Scottish man does need and deserve a good dinner,
After my willy defeated your willy, mate
After the break, you'll see a priest
Ah, dear
Ah, dear, it's a photo of my brother Tommy
Ah, dear. Thanks for letting me know
Ah, Doctor, are you here to examine the corpse
Ah, my mother just died
Ah, those were the days, my friend
All for £2.50
All right. Can you get into bed quietly
An adjusting spanner,
An avo-wit noo- For God's sake, it's an avocado
An avocado
An old polis motto
And a copy of Victor Hugo's classic, Les Miserables,
And a polis needs tae be able tae walk
And a polis needs to have a look that can tell a stoner at a thousand
And a totie tattie scone. Whoo!
And a wee stupid bit of lettuce d****d o'er the tap o' it,
And cut
And here is Diego Maradona to say, Get it up ye
And I fell through a hole in time, back to the kiltie times!
And I'll cut your fucking haund aff
And I'm here to introduce you to the new range of Barrow & Fall paints
And I'm wearing a kilt, so your fair breist can quiver in the knowledge
And if he came in that door steaming..
And is worth a whopping £10,000
And it's my job to run aboot this forest,
And it's yas m8 right across the board! Unbelievable
And make his attempt to get a Chaser Aff The Polis
And my family has been pumping mammies up and down this glen
And now, on The Scotia Soundscape, who needs a band
And she would wedge the brick to the ceiling, right
And she'd sit and wait for him
And so now Mullen will move forward
And the brick to the back of the heid, that was one
And the burger is a pie,
And the polis motor has been spotted in the street,
And what in God's name is that in your fly, by the way
And which doctor's that
And you'd have to stand up and stick the heid on it
And, crack, I've broke his leg
And, unfortunately, unfortunately, Jim, it's terminal
Anderson will cut inside here and he's still got time to pick
Anderson won't run there, will he
Any marriage, so do please check those clocks very firmly
Anzubidis. See, this proves my point from earlier, my Queen,
Are you drunk
As a sunbed operator might say, a burnt pie never enhanced
At 7pm, we've got the Miss Burnistoun Pageant 1984 live,
At the end of the Uptown Girl video, like that
Aw, so unlucky, so unlucky
Away up the road!
Aye, if The Rock stuck his willy through a See You Jimmy wig, maybe
Aye, it was brilliant because all your pals wanted to come round
Aye, so's this
Aye, speaking as a real polis here, can I give you a wee pointer
Aye, toys were much, much simpler back in our day, weren't they, eh
Aye, Weir blocks the pass, the baw breaks here, and look
Aye, well, avoc-ad enough of this shite!
Aye, well, mate, I'd rather go out with Beaker than go out with
Aye, well, your willy looks like it belongs on one
Bare arse right in the dish!
Baws first
Beaker, to be specific
Because I think, right, it would drive a big wedge between us, mate
Bed without waking up his partner
Bellend purple
BLEEP all yous. You BLEEP filming me, aye
Blushing maiden pink
Boof, goal, yes!
BOTH- # Scobie and Dobie's disco an' scran
But not to worry, you still get our commiseration prize of..
But they still haven't left!
But watch this. You ready
Called oot you go, right, right
Cheeseboard, cola bottles,
Cheesy pasta,
Chicken pakora, square sausage pakora,
Chief Inspector Tornface is on his way
Come on
Come on now, Peter. Come on now what
Coming in fae the pub at night, right
Coming to mind, brick to the ear was one of them
Dangerously close!
Davie Spears of Burnistoun High Flats, who's trying to sneak into
Do the characters to help him decide, man
Do you ever, eh, do you ever wonder, if we two went on that,
Do you rate them or do you hate them, mate
Don't get me wrong, pal, your partner can do your box in,
Don't jump to conclusions, son
Don't want any men turning up too early for their work
Don't you both mean Baroldian Shagrabtheon
Door closed, that's £100
Dr Pepper
Dug's lipstick red
Eh, brick to the face
Er, what do you mean, after your willy had defeated my willy
Erm, right. No, I have to go for it. I'm just going to go for it
Even my granny loved stookying bricks
Fair enough
Fans all go onto the pitch
Fantastic, John
Fesh orange. Has he blown it
Final round What's Under The Box
For £1,000, it's the trousers
For Anderson to make the cross to Wright
Fried onions, vegetable pakora,
Get away from her. MacShagger, one more facht
Get BLEEP! Where's mah dog- Where's mah BLEEP dog- Where's mah dog
Get down to your nearest Barrow & Fall store with immediate effect
Get that garbage away fae me
Girlfriend's knickers white
Going for the shoes now for £500
Gonnae be there for me, tae back me up, nae matter what
Good evening and welcome to Hardnut Chess
Good wee scene there, son
Granda's scants white
Granny's knickers white
Had our bellends critiqued in a televised prize tadger contest
Haud on, son
Have I ever wondered what would happen if you and me
Have we seen you before
Have you ever thought about it, Scott
Having sex with my wife
He could belong to Jack Black, mate, or The Rock
He has a fair way to go before he's at the level
He must have scored. He must have scored
He seems to be fiddling with the waistband of his joggies
He's done it! That's £10,000, Davey!
He's gonnae have to speak
He's left plenty of room here
Hello and welcome to Acting Sober, the game show where you..
Hello. Tornface
Here, Peter, you know that mad dating show, Naked Attraction
Here, Peter, you've got a bit of pant fluff on..
Here, where's ma fucking denims red
Here's Freddie Mercury to sing We Are The Champions
Here's what you could have won
Hi. You've been watching BBC Burnistoun, and do remember
Hopefully, my luck's turned and this will be a wee clue
How can you no' know what rank you are
How do you switch it off
How long have I got, Doctor
I am Erik Skabrakian,
I am feeling really confident
I am Steve Fall of Barrow & Fall
I can see a big invader coming through the undergrowth
I cannot guarantee your survival
I don't even remember you
I don't have a home, son
I don't think it really matters. I'm pretty sure you're dead
I know what rank you are, you moany bastard
I mean the things you've seen on the job, you stupid bastard
I studied the Method with Dr Armstrong BA,
I think about it all the time, mate
I think I'll just lie doon here beside my departed brother
I think it's one of them, Joseph!
I think you'll find I'm here already
I want you to remember this BLEEP face
I want you to see me in your nightmares, you BLEEP wee boot!
I was a bit horny, so I touched a big stone
I, the true heir to the throne
I'd really love to just have a wee tea in peace,
I'll give you a suspiffic example, right
I'm a bastard. Shut up! Righto
I'm Jamie MacShagger,
I'm so sorry. We can deal with this, if you need to go home
I'm sorry, which one are you again
I'm talking about penile personality, mate
I've got nae idea where he is in this building right now, right
I've heard of it, mate. Aye, I've heard of it
Ice poles,
Identify this loathsome individual
If you want to be the genuine article
Imagine us trying to sit here like a pair of pals
In amnesty. But if you force my army to attack,
In any man who perhaps married too early or, as my own mother said,
In the face in the history of Chaser Aff The Polis
In the morning, or indeed any women mistiming getting their man's dinner
Including that fish supper he had an hour ago
Inside Granda's scants
Instead of watching the game and letting all these manky United
Is he going to steal that roll and sausage here, John
Is this one of them
Is this one of they arty-farty dinner party arty-warty starties
It was I, Legolas
It'll be a murder when I say it's a murder
It's a murder
It's a tuna piece. I ran out of pockets, all right
It's an avocado
It's got chips, fritters,
It's smashed avocado and sourdough with poached eggs and red pesto
It's the goalie,
It's the things he's seen