Burnistown Soundboard Edit

A big pickled onion,

A bottle of limeade

A burger in a morning roll,

A burger in a sesame bun,

A burger on a sandwich,

A Dougie Donnelly action figure

A fake passport,

A filter on her phone, so please take that into account to help us

A green tatty-! Is it-!

A kettle to make your Pot Noodle,

A lighter,

A lonely woman touched a big stone

A murder

A nice wee Shiraz,

A packet of tattie scones,

A Pot Noodle,

A procession of beauties sure to ignite the fires of resentment

A real polis would staund like this

A SIM card,

A tattie scone,

A tattie scone! AUDIENCE- Whoo!

A thousand apologies

A working Scottish man does need and deserve a good dinner,

Aaaaaaaaagh!

After my willy defeated your willy, mate

After the break, you'll see a priest

Ah, dear

Ah, dear, it's a photo of my brother Tommy

Ah, dear. Thanks for letting me know

Ah, Doctor, are you here to examine the corpse

Ah, my mother just died

Ah, those were the days, my friend

All for £2.50

All right. Can you get into bed quietly

An adjusting spanner,

An avo-wit noo- For God's sake, it's an avocado

An avocado

An old polis motto

And a copy of Victor Hugo's classic, Les Miserables,

And a polis needs tae be able tae walk

And a polis needs to have a look that can tell a stoner at a thousand

And a totie tattie scone. Whoo!

And a wee stupid bit of lettuce d****d o'er the tap o' it,

And cut

And here is Diego Maradona to say, Get it up ye

And I fell through a hole in time, back to the kiltie times!

And I'll cut your fucking haund aff

And I'm here to introduce you to the new range of Barrow & Fall paints

And I'm wearing a kilt, so your fair breist can quiver in the knowledge

And if he came in that door steaming..

And is worth a whopping £10,000

And it's my job to run aboot this forest,

And it's yas m8 right across the board! Unbelievable

And make his attempt to get a Chaser Aff The Polis

And my family has been pumping mammies up and down this glen

And now, on The Scotia Soundscape, who needs a band

And she would wedge the brick to the ceiling, right

And she'd sit and wait for him

And so now Mullen will move forward

And the brick to the back of the heid, that was one

And the burger is a pie,

And the polis motor has been spotted in the street,

And what in God's name is that in your fly, by the way

And which doctor's that

And you'd have to stand up and stick the heid on it

And, crack, I've broke his leg

And, unfortunately, unfortunately, Jim, it's terminal

Anderson will cut inside here and he's still got time to pick

Anderson won't run there, will he

Any marriage, so do please check those clocks very firmly

Anzubidis. See, this proves my point from earlier, my Queen,

APPLAUSE

Are you drunk

As a sunbed operator might say, a burnt pie never enhanced

At 7pm, we've got the Miss Burnistoun Pageant 1984 live,

At the end of the Uptown Girl video, like that

AUDIENCE- Aw!

AUDIENCE- Ooh!

Aw, so unlucky, so unlucky

Awa'!

Away up the road!

Aye, if The Rock stuck his willy through a See You Jimmy wig, maybe

Aye, it was brilliant because all your pals wanted to come round

Aye, so's this

Aye, speaking as a real polis here, can I give you a wee pointer

Aye, toys were much, much simpler back in our day, weren't they, eh

Aye, Weir blocks the pass, the baw breaks here, and look

Aye, well, avoc-ad enough of this shite!

Aye, well, mate, I'd rather go out with Beaker than go out with

Aye, well, your willy looks like it belongs on one

Bare arse right in the dish!

Baws first

Beaker, to be specific

Because I think, right, it would drive a big wedge between us, mate

Bed without waking up his partner

BELL RINGS

Bellend purple

BLEEP all yous. You BLEEP filming me, aye

Blushing maiden pink

Boof, goal, yes!

BOTH- # Scobie and Dobie's disco an' scran

But not to worry, you still get our commiseration prize of..

But they still haven't left!

But watch this. You ready

Bye!

Bye!

Called oot you go, right, right

Cheeseboard, cola bottles,

Cheesy pasta,

Chicken pakora, square sausage pakora,

Chief Inspector Tornface is on his way

CHILDREN SHOUT EXCITEDLY

CLOCK TICKS

Come on

Come on now, Peter. Come on now what

Coming in fae the pub at night, right

Coming to mind, brick to the ear was one of them

Dangerously close!

Davie Spears of Burnistoun High Flats, who's trying to sneak into

Do the characters to help him decide, man

Do you ever, eh, do you ever wonder, if we two went on that,

Do you rate them or do you hate them, mate

Don't get me wrong, pal, your partner can do your box in,

Don't jump to conclusions, son

Don't want any men turning up too early for their work

Don't you both mean Baroldian Shagrabtheon

Don't...ever!

Door closed, that's £100

Dr Pepper

Dug's lipstick red

Eh, brick to the face

Er, what do you mean, after your willy had defeated my willy

Erm, right. No, I have to go for it. I'm just going to go for it

Even my granny loved stookying bricks

Fair enough

Fans all go onto the pitch

Fantastic, John

Fesh orange. Has he blown it

Final round What's Under The Box

For £1,000, it's the trousers

For Anderson to make the cross to Wright

Fried onions, vegetable pakora,

Get away from her. MacShagger, one more facht

Get BLEEP! Where's mah dog- Where's mah BLEEP dog- Where's mah dog

Get down to your nearest Barrow & Fall store with immediate effect

Get that garbage away fae me

Girlfriend's knickers white

Going for the shoes now for £500

Gonnae be there for me, tae back me up, nae matter what

Good evening and welcome to Hardnut Chess

Good wee scene there, son

Goodnight

Granda's scants white

Granny's knickers white

Had our bellends critiqued in a televised prize tadger contest

Hash,

Haud on, son

Have I ever wondered what would happen if you and me

Have we seen you before

Have you ever thought about it, Scott

Having sex with my wife

He could belong to Jack Black, mate, or The Rock

He has a fair way to go before he's at the level

HE IMITATES CROWD CHEERING

He must have scored. He must have scored

HE PANTS

HE RETCHES

HE SCREAMS

He seems to be fiddling with the waistband of his joggies

HE STRUMS A RIFF

He's done it! That's £10,000, Davey!

He's gonnae have to speak

He's left plenty of room here

Hello and welcome to Acting Sober, the game show where you..

Hello. Tornface

Here

Here, Peter, you know that mad dating show, Naked Attraction

Here, Peter, you've got a bit of pant fluff on..

Here, where's ma fucking denims red

Here's Freddie Mercury to sing We Are The Champions

Here's what you could have won

Hey!

Hi. You've been watching BBC Burnistoun, and do remember

Hopefully, my luck's turned and this will be a wee clue

How can you no' know what rank you are

How do you switch it off

How long have I got, Doctor

Huh

I am Erik Skabrakian,

I am feeling really confident

I am Steve Fall of Barrow & Fall

I can see a big invader coming through the undergrowth

I cannot guarantee your survival

I don't even remember you

I don't have a home, son

I don't think it really matters. I'm pretty sure you're dead

I know what rank you are, you moany bastard

I mean the things you've seen on the job, you stupid bastard

I studied the Method with Dr Armstrong BA,

I think about it all the time, mate

I think I'll just lie doon here beside my departed brother

I think it's one of them, Joseph!

I think you'll find I'm here already

I want you to remember this BLEEP face

I want you to see me in your nightmares, you BLEEP wee boot!

I was a bit horny, so I touched a big stone

I, the true heir to the throne

I'd really love to just have a wee tea in peace,

I'll give you a suspiffic example, right

I'm a bastard. Shut up! Righto

I'm Jamie MacShagger,

I'm so sorry. We can deal with this, if you need to go home

I'm sorry, which one are you again

I'm talking about penile personality, mate

I've got nae idea where he is in this building right now, right

I've heard of it, mate. Aye, I've heard of it

Ice poles,

Identify this loathsome individual

If you want to be the genuine article

Imagine us trying to sit here like a pair of pals

In amnesty. But if you force my army to attack,

In any man who perhaps married too early or, as my own mother said,

In the face in the history of Chaser Aff The Polis

In the morning, or indeed any women mistiming getting their man's dinner

Including that fish supper he had an hour ago

Inside Granda's scants

Instead of watching the game and letting all these manky United

Is he going to steal that roll and sausage here, John

Is this one of them

Is this one of they arty-farty dinner party arty-warty starties

It was I, Legolas

It'll be a murder when I say it's a murder

It's a murder

It's a tuna piece. I ran out of pockets, all right

It's an avocado

It's got chips, fritters,

It's smashed avocado and sourdough with poached eggs and red pesto

It's the goalie,

It's the things he's seen

Johnnies,