Burnistown Soundboard Edit

A big pickled onion,

A bottle of limeade

A burger in a morning roll,

A burger in a sesame bun,

A burger on a sandwich,

A Dougie Donnelly action figure

A fake passport,

A filter on her phone, so please take that into account to help us

A green tatty-! Is it-!

A kettle to make your Pot Noodle,

A lighter,

A lonely woman touched a big stone

A murder

A nice wee Shiraz,

A packet of tattie scones,

A Pot Noodle,

A procession of beauties sure to ignite the fires of resentment

A real polis would staund like this

A SIM card,

A tattie scone,

A tattie scone! AUDIENCE- Whoo!

A thousand apologies

A working Scottish man does need and deserve a good dinner,

Aaaaaaaaagh!

After my willy defeated your willy, mate

After the break, you'll see a priest

Ah, dear

Ah, dear, it's a photo of my brother Tommy

Ah, dear. Thanks for letting me know

Ah, Doctor, are you here to examine the corpse

Ah, my mother just died

Ah, those were the days, my friend

All for £2.50

All right. Can you get into bed quietly

An adjusting spanner,

An avo-wit noo- For God's sake, it's an avocado

An avocado

An old polis motto

And a copy of Victor Hugo's classic, Les Miserables,

And a polis needs tae be able tae walk

And a polis needs to have a look that can tell a stoner at a thousand

And a totie tattie scone. Whoo!

And a wee stupid bit of lettuce d****d o'er the tap o' it,

And cut

And here is Diego Maradona to say, Get it up ye

And I fell through a hole in time, back to the kiltie times!

And I'll cut your fucking haund aff

And I'm here to introduce you to the new range of Barrow & Fall paints

And I'm wearing a kilt, so your fair breist can quiver in the knowledge

And if he came in that door steaming..

And is worth a whopping £10,000

And it's my job to run aboot this forest,

And it's yas m8 right across the board! Unbelievable

And make his attempt to get a Chaser Aff The Polis

And my family has been pumping mammies up and down this glen

And now, on The Scotia Soundscape, who needs a band

And she would wedge the brick to the ceiling, right

And she'd sit and wait for him

And so now Mullen will move forward

And the brick to the back of the heid, that was one

And the burger is a pie,

And the polis motor has been spotted in the street,

And what in God's name is that in your fly, by the way

And which doctor's that

And you'd have to stand up and stick the heid on it

And, crack, I've broke his leg

And, unfortunately, unfortunately, Jim, it's terminal

Anderson will cut inside here and he's still got time to pick

Anderson won't run there, will he

Any marriage, so do please check those clocks very firmly

Anzubidis. See, this proves my point from earlier, my Queen,

APPLAUSE

Are you drunk

As a sunbed operator might say, a burnt pie never enhanced

At 7pm, we've got the Miss Burnistoun Pageant 1984 live,

At the end of the Uptown Girl video, like that

AUDIENCE- Aw!

AUDIENCE- Ooh!

Aw, so unlucky, so unlucky

Awa'!

Away up the road!

Aye, if The Rock stuck his willy through a See You Jimmy wig, maybe

Aye, it was brilliant because all your pals wanted to come round

Aye, so's this

Aye, speaking as a real polis here, can I give you a wee pointer

Aye, toys were much, much simpler back in our day, weren't they, eh

Aye, Weir blocks the pass, the baw breaks here, and look

Aye, well, avoc-ad enough of this shite!

Aye, well, mate, I'd rather go out with Beaker than go out with

Aye, well, your willy looks like it belongs on one

Bare arse right in the dish!

Baws first

Beaker, to be specific

Because I think, right, it would drive a big wedge between us, mate

Bed without waking up his partner

BELL RINGS

Bellend purple

BLEEP all yous. You BLEEP filming me, aye

Blushing maiden pink

Boof, goal, yes!

BOTH- # Scobie and Dobie's disco an' scran

But not to worry, you still get our commiseration prize of..

But they still haven't left!

But watch this. You ready

Bye!

Bye!

Called oot you go, right, right

Cheeseboard, cola bottles,

Cheesy pasta,

Chicken pakora, square sausage pakora,

Chief Inspector Tornface is on his way

CHILDREN SHOUT EXCITEDLY

CLOCK TICKS

Come on

Come on now, Peter. Come on now what

Coming in fae the pub at night, right

Coming to mind, brick to the ear was one of them

Dangerously close!

Davie Spears of Burnistoun High Flats, who's trying to sneak into

Do the characters to help him decide, man

Do you ever, eh, do you ever wonder, if we two went on that,

Do you rate them or do you hate them, mate

Don't get me wrong, pal, your partner can do your box in,

Don't jump to conclusions, son

Don't want any men turning up too early for their work

Don't you both mean Baroldian Shagrabtheon

Don't...ever!

Door closed, that's £100

Dr Pepper

Dug's lipstick red

Eh, brick to the face

Er, what do you mean, after your willy had defeated my willy

Erm, right. No, I have to go for it. I'm just going to go for it

Even my granny loved stookying bricks

Fair enough

Fans all go onto the pitch

Fantastic, John

Fesh orange. Has he blown it

Final round What's Under The Box

For £1,000, it's the trousers

For Anderson to make the cross to Wright

Fried onions, vegetable pakora,

Get away from her. MacShagger, one more facht

Get BLEEP! Where's mah dog- Where's mah BLEEP dog- Where's mah dog

Get down to your nearest Barrow & Fall store with immediate effect

Get that garbage away fae me

Girlfriend's knickers white

Going for the shoes now for £500

Gonnae be there for me, tae back me up, nae matter what

Good evening and welcome to Hardnut Chess

Good wee scene there, son

Goodnight

Granda's scants white

Granny's knickers white

Had our bellends critiqued in a televised prize tadger contest

Hash,

Haud on, son

Have I ever wondered what would happen if you and me

Have we seen you before

Have you ever thought about it, Scott

Having sex with my wife

He could belong to Jack Black, mate, or The Rock

He has a fair way to go before he's at the level

HE IMITATES CROWD CHEERING

He must have scored. He must have scored

HE PANTS

HE RETCHES

HE SCREAMS

He seems to be fiddling with the waistband of his joggies

HE STRUMS A RIFF

He's done it! That's £10,000, Davey!

He's gonnae have to speak

He's left plenty of room here

Hello and welcome to Acting Sober, the game show where you..

Hello. Tornface

Here

Here, Peter, you know that mad dating show, Naked Attraction

Here, Peter, you've got a bit of pant fluff on..

Here, where's ma fucking denims red

Here's Freddie Mercury to sing We Are The Champions

Here's what you could have won

Hey!

Hi. You've been watching BBC Burnistoun, and do remember

Hopefully, my luck's turned and this will be a wee clue

How can you no' know what rank you are

How do you switch it off

How long have I got, Doctor

Huh

I am Erik Skabrakian,

I am feeling really confident

I am Steve Fall of Barrow & Fall

I can see a big invader coming through the undergrowth

I cannot guarantee your survival

I don't even remember you

I don't have a home, son

I don't think it really matters. I'm pretty sure you're dead

I know what rank you are, you moany bastard

I mean the things you've seen on the job, you stupid bastard

I studied the Method with Dr Armstrong BA,

I think about it all the time, mate

I think I'll just lie doon here beside my departed brother

I think it's one of them, Joseph!

I think you'll find I'm here already

I want you to remember this BLEEP face

I want you to see me in your nightmares, you BLEEP wee boot!

I was a bit horny, so I touched a big stone

I, the true heir to the throne

I'd really love to just have a wee tea in peace,

I'll give you a suspiffic example, right

I'm a bastard. Shut up! Righto

I'm Jamie MacShagger,

I'm so sorry. We can deal with this, if you need to go home

I'm sorry, which one are you again

I'm talking about penile personality, mate

I've got nae idea where he is in this building right now, right

I've heard of it, mate. Aye, I've heard of it

Ice poles,

Identify this loathsome individual

If you want to be the genuine article

Imagine us trying to sit here like a pair of pals

In amnesty. But if you force my army to attack,

In any man who perhaps married too early or, as my own mother said,

In the face in the history of Chaser Aff The Polis

In the morning, or indeed any women mistiming getting their man's dinner

Including that fish supper he had an hour ago

Inside Granda's scants

Instead of watching the game and letting all these manky United

Is he going to steal that roll and sausage here, John

Is this one of them

Is this one of they arty-farty dinner party arty-warty starties

It was I, Legolas

It'll be a murder when I say it's a murder

It's a murder

It's a tuna piece. I ran out of pockets, all right

It's an avocado

It's got chips, fritters,

It's smashed avocado and sourdough with poached eggs and red pesto

It's the goalie,

It's the things he's seen

Johnnies,

Just call it a draw, mate

Just the way you were staunding, kind of..

League's over. Here's the league trophy,

Let's find out, then. Let's find out who would win right noo

Let's have a look and see who this poor wee soul is

Let's play

Let's say, behind a microphone like this. That is still a working

Let's take a look at the first goal

Like all Billy Joel's pals walk

Look, all these fans are running onto the pitch

Look, because a streaker's ran onto the pitch here

Look, I don't need any advice

Look, I'm no' talking about size here, right

Look, look, look, who's this coming down fae the commentary box

Look!

Magnetic eyelashes,

Man and still deserves that level of effort that was implied

Matthews should have been oot here. He's oot there, he blocks the cross

Matthews should have been pushing out into this space here

Maybe eight seconds

Maybe these robbers are about to be robbed..

Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!

Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! Aaaaaaaaagh!

Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!

Mind the favourite toy back then was an old, eh..

My mother used to play a game with my faither, right,

My name is Black Jake MacPumpthemammies,

My name's Davey Barrow of Barrow & Fall

My name's Officer McGregor. We've been posted here

My Queen, if you surrender the throne to me, I will offer

My wife flung me oot three months ago

No-one can forget me! Gam..

No, I'm here to tell Detective Tornface

No, I'm not. Yes, you are, you died at the Battle of the Bollocks

No, Scott, I havnae. Oh, right

No, why

No, you're in Lord Of The Rings!

No. I jus' had a fesh orange

No. No, cos if he does that, Weir makes this move, blocks the pass

Not a tattie scone

Not a tattie scone. Whoo!

Not a totie totie..

Now, Matthews should never have been retreating into the box

Now, that is the most difficult challenge on Acting Sober

Of a world-class wee dick

Of London and New York, so..

Of the clan MacPumpthemammies,

Of the clan Macshagger,

Of the Muppets, mate

Oh, a bit shaky there!

Oh, dear, Davey, you've lost the lot. He's lost the lot,

Oh, dear, it's my brother Tommy

Oh, he's wakened his partner

Oh, I'm sorry, Agnes, it's not a tattie scone

Oh, if, if, if. If Matthews moves out there,

Oh, it's me! And I'm charging up here towards your winger

Oh, no, he's whitied!

Oh, the games you could play then!

Oh, there's about 20 bastards

Oh! He said,

OK- That right- That's right

OK, three, two, one..

Omeprazole,

Ooh, here we go!

Or a totie tattie scone

Our next case on Crimecatcher features an aggressive male,

Out Wright with the cross. Goal

Pakora pakora,

Pakora,

Pakora,

Pakora,

Pakora,

Pakora,

Pakora,

Peter, your willy looks like that painting with the guy

PHONE RINGS

Piss off!

Please note that the woman who shot the footage accidentally left

Presented by Burnistoun's favourite son, Biscuity Boyle,

Quack!

Quick, get yer da's denims in the bin

Rank rotten. I don't have much time, fellas

Ready and on the table for them coming home

Ready on the floor, and cue!

RECORDED- How do you switch it off- Shiiite!

RECORDED- That was supposed to be a loop. How do you switch it off

RECORDED- That was supposed to be a loop. That was supposed to be a loop

Remember our stupid bloody names

RIFF STOPS

Right behind my big, toned, bare arse

Right- But I know there are certain situations where big McGregor's

Right, right, and a polis doesnae need

Right, tattie scone

Robert, look, the referee's chopped it aff,

Roll and sausage, John, coffee spilled everywhere!

See- Just when it matters. If you know, you know. You know that way

Seen that Mamma Mia 2. Going to do a bit of Abba!

Settled for a potato in a world full of plums

Shaking my willy all over the place for Scotland

Shall we call in forensics

SHE SIGHS Maybe you're right

Shiiiite!

Shit, what's my name again

SILENCE

Since the first moistening of a mammy's midden

So confident of victory

So sorry, Chief Inspector

So that I can re-centre

So, here is the starter

So, I'll just lie down here, yeah

Some arsehole's wig,

Sometimes it's all I think about, Peter. Why

Son of Anulf Skabrakian

Son! Is this or is this no'

Spare pants,

Sticking the ball right in the top corner fae 40 yards

Still got they bastardin' denims blue

Still lots to come on BBC Burnistoun tonight

Stop right there

Take a wee look at the second goal now

Tell him what you've seen, Toshan

Thanks

That his test results have come in

That I've got a big, bare shiter

That looked like a big stauner

That right- Well, there's one other doctor you need to study

That was a good one, that was a good one

That was supposed to be a loop

That was supposed to be a loop

That was supposed to be a loop. How do you switch it off

That was supposed to be a loop. How do you switch it off- Shiiite!

That was supposed to be a loop. How do you switch it off- Shiiite!

That was supposed to be a loop. That was supposed to be a loop

That we should all wear name tags so that the viewers

That your clocks go back this evening

That's Detective Chief Inspector Tornface to you

The all new ultimo munchie box fae Bobby Spice

The goalie is never scoring fae there

The one where they're all in the scud- Aye

The poached eggs have came out perfectly, so fingers crossed

The Scream, mate, you've got The Scream's dobber, mate

The Scream, right- Your willy's a downer, mate

Then I'm awa' on the convention circuit

There are far too many characters to keep up with

There we go!

There's Anulfin Shagrubithian

There's so much technology in toys these days

There's the bastard

There's the bastard in the north, the bastard in the south,

There's the big, beardy bastard, there's the baldy bastard bastard

There's the boy who can see through the eyes of a pigeon

These are the kiltie times

They just kept saying up the road over and over again,

THEY SHOUT

They're all celebrating

This could be interesting

This is nae place for a lassie

This is our brand-new colour chart for the new season

This looks delicious

This programme contains adult humour

This programme contains some strong language

This wee mad polis doon here, he's should have been covering this space

Thousands of pounds' worth of damage and injuries to four people

THUNK! Oh!

To be able tae dance like Billy Joel. Aye, he does

To keep crime on its knees, hold your baws to the breeze

To keep you safe. Aye. And I'm..

To pump all the fee-paying mammies

To your hoose to get a shot stookying the brick

Tornface

TORNFACE GROANS

Touch that pawn

Trying to do a shite in an old woman's house

TWIG CRACKS Quick, get doon here,

Unbelievable, John, the first ever televised arse

Up the road noo! Up the road! Up the road noo! Up the road!

Up the road, then. Up the road! Up the road, then

Up the road!

Up the road!

Up the road!

Up the road! Up the road, noo!

Up the road! Up the road!

Us

We'll see you in five

We're meant to be quality polis here

Wee Scott Junior down here, he's got a bit of character,

Welcome to a world of paint-venture

Well done. Thank you, everyone. Reset, please

Well, he's managed to get right underneath the driver's window

Well, I couldn't believe my eyes

Well, it's the starter, yes

Well, Mullen has a good grasp of the fundamentals, but for me

Well, what do the judges think

Well, who's all still after this throne, then

Well, you should remember me, Lord..

Well, you're into the final, Agnes. Chance for the big prize

What one do you like the best

What rank am I again, McGregor

What's going on here

When you've got Owen Fleek

Where the sandwich is two other burgers

Whether he's up on those roofs or in a booth,

Which one of us would get picked

While he's at the fitbaw blue

Who are you

Who's that menacing hunk

Who's this coming

Whose drunk and violent rampage on a Burnistoun Street cost

Will he go for the trousers

Will you look at that- So I was

With the face like that, Aaaaaaaaagh!

Within those wedding vows

Without getting spotted by the polis

Yards, like this

Yeah, it's a very fine role

YEAHHHHH!

Yer da hitting a brasser because he got caught watching a porno pink

Yer ma hitting a brasser because she was in the porno pink

You are one of the ones whose names I never remember

You dare discuss the Queen's surrender in my absence,

You have three choices

You know what I mean- He's got a bit of something aboot him

You know why my partner there's aff his nut

You mean Howden Bathshageron

You probably just didnae notice me staunding in front of they bins

You really expect me to...

You safe passage to the Bronzed Isles, where you will live

You sometimes forget who's died in this, don't you

You were run through with a sword!

You're a pishy wee team with one star player and I've done him

Your da's ancient denims blue

Your da's auld denims blue

Your da's even aulder denims blue

Your da's hunner-year-auld denims blue

Your ma canny believe yer da's

Your old man would, eh, he'd nail it to that ceiling up there

Your thoughts on Mullen, Steve

Yous are all BLEEP getting it!

..a tattie scone!

..Anboobititz

..are nae drunk. And we'll go straight to our first contestant,

..erm..

..like a wee shitebag, do you know what I mean

..like that..

..of their liberty

..old brick with a wool tied around it, eh

..whoomf, oot you go!

# All the guys are ugly and the lasses are so plain

# Everybody's on a total downer

# Hey hey hey-ey-ey-ey!

# I'll gie you the hits I'll gie you the shits. #

# It's a fucking shame

# It's a fucking shame It's a fucking shame!

# It's a shitehole city! #

# It's a shitehole city. #

# Laid an egg on the windae sill

# Or a teeny-weeny totie-smotie

# Or not a tattie scone

# Smoke weed every day! #

# Square Sausage Ninja! #

# Tattie scone

# The windae sill began tae crack

# Tiny tattie scone! #

# Wee chookie birdie, quack-quack-quack. #

# Wee chookie birdie, toll loll loll