Fleabag - Season 1 Edit

A bit

A cursory stroke would be nice.

A door opening, or suspicious dark?

A few times, he's even cleaned the whole flat.

A few weeks ago one of my most delicate pieces was stolen from my studio.

A girl.

A ha!

A little marital poke isn't going to kill you.

A lot more to touch, if you know what I mean.

A moment of noise.

A moment of tension.

A sad, sad day.

A sweet little something, just to keep it...

A Woman Robbed.

A work friend

Actually, can we speak about this later? I want to find the right words for you.

Actually, yeah, water would be great. If I could...

Actually, you know and I can say this because I'm an artist

After all, sex got us all here.

After some pretty standard bouncing, you realise...

After what you did to Boo?

Ah! Agh!

All apart from one.

All he wants is to get you in the bath and ask questions like...

All he wants to do is make love

All in perfect silence.

All of your desires are wrapped up in here.

All over it, waiting for you to come and collect it.

All parked up.

All right, Dad?

All right, Dad?

All right, great.

All right, guys. Well done.

All right, now, wherever it's come from... your upbringing,

All right?

All right? If you don't mind...

All that money makes you cry?

All the time, either, I'm not,

All the time.

Always know where the reserves are.

Amazing.

Amazing. That was amazing.

And a car

And again.

And again...

And although it's always been a fantasy of mine, I've...

And another bike.

And bring your minds to these pieces.

And don't drink too much.

And don't say anything yet, I just...

And don't sing Happy Birthday, I couldn't bear it.

And everyone wants to be this person

And fuck you.

And he made the effort to come all the way here,

And he'll say...

And he's got this thing about trying to get in the bath with her.

And how is the cafe?

And how it affects lots of people in all sorts of different ways.

And how it brings us all together.

And I don't think I can really afford to...

And I don't want to think I'm just off happy at the theatre

And I ended up looking amazing.

And I fucked my friend by fucking her boyfriend.

And I fucked up my family.

And I know that my body, as it is now, really is the only thing I have left,

And I need to tell her.

And I think I should ask you if you want to go out for a drink with me.

And I think I should call it,

And I thought that..

And I want to make her feel good.

And I will see you later, too.

And I'll be sure to treat you like a nasty little bitch.

And I'm going to go to fucking Finland.

And I'm going to go to fucking Finland. I'll see you at the sexhibition. Yeah.

And it confused me.

And just screw her, she's going insane.

And just take it off your hands.

And left her to run the cafe on her own.

And Martin getting me that sculpture.

And maybe...

And not know when someone's pretending.

And now, hands up.

And one or two bits and pieces I'm going to need to see some more on

And physically she just never satisfied me, she has these really massive,

And please don't stop me leaving.

And public.

And put them in the cupboard at home...

And so will you, Claire.

And somehow there isn't anything worse...

And someone once threw some punch in my face.

And sometimes I wish I didn't even know that fucking existed.

And sorry I'm late.

And take that off.

And thank you for the text, saucy

And that's never happened to me before.

And that's what this show is really about...

And their own power.

And then he leaves.

And then he touches your hair...

And then hurt my finger and then he's going to have to come and see me

And then I tried to sell it through Martin,

And then I will come in

And then the next morning, you wake to find him...

And then you get to it immediately.

And then you open the door to him,

And there are photos.

And they're happy, getting along...

And they're just not talking about it,

And this weekend is about being mindful.

And wait by the door until the buzzer goes?

And wanted to punish him by ending up in hospital,

And we just became even closer friends.

And we're happy

And when that gets old and unfuckable I may as well just kill it.

And you find yourself saying things like...

And you just kept turning up like this sexy...

And you spend the rest of the day wondering...

And you've accidentally made it out like you've just got in yourself,

And, hello, good looking.

And, soon, everything became guinea pig related

And, whatever happens, we never let it go, OK?

And...

And...

And...

Another drink?

Another lunch break another portion

Another piece of cake

Another two Fuck it 20

Any women led businesses since the...

Any news on Harry?

Anyone said that to her, they'd be hung.

Anyway, give me a call, and I hope you're OK. Bye.

Anywhere?

Apathetic, cynical, depraved,

Apologise.

Apparently he liked it when their eyes popped out.

Are they freesias?

Are we leaving?

Are you all right?

Are you all right? What's happened? Are you hurt?

Are you going to work?

Are you ha... Are you healthy?

Are you having an affair?

Are you joking?

Are YOU joking?

Are you OK?

Are you OK?

Are YOU OK?

Are you OK?

Are you OK?

Are you OK?

Are you OK?

Are you on your period?

Are you sure I can't get you anything at all?

Aren't these for children?

Aren't we all, girl?

Arm up, please.

Arm up, please.

As it turns out, bikes go fast and flip you into the road.

As long as I can wear it or eat it, I'm happy.

As you are probably aware,

Asian, teen,

Ask me a question.

At a party, I...

At two o'clock on a Tuesday night asking if he can come and find you,

Aunts got weird.

Aw, let's just leave them...

Awesome party, thank you so much. We had such a great night.

Back here! Back here, back to me. Back to me.

Basically it doesn't stop until you've cum.

Beating over six other candidates.

Beautiful.

Because he was just being fun.

Because I am very much here and waiting for you.

Because I had to know

Because I really don't think that's going to end well.

Because I'm your sister.

Because I've just got a fucking great body.

Because it's never gonna happen.

Because she probably won't wear them.

Because you CAN'T just fuck off on aeroplanes, and leave your weird

Before we begin, I would like to ask you a question.

Best of luck.

Bet you look forward to seeing Claire.

Big day.

Big night, then?

Bingo.

Bit much.

Bit weird.

Boo's death hit the papers.

Bouncy tits that really don't do anything for me.

Bukake, young and old,

Busy.

But Boo took Hillary very seriously as a gift

But clothes look awesome on her, so...

But he always leaves...

But he does usually go the extra mile.

But I just got my coat caught on someone else's coat outside the Tube.

But I just thought... I need to get her a present first.

But I need some reassurance.

But I think that I should take your number

But I'm afraid your flagrant lack of respect for the one rule

But in a sense it was a blessing.

But it made me realise... I'm in love.

But it's PMT.

But Martin took it and gave it to you.

But most of the time I'm that person, like everyone else.

But no one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get

But she got all of Mum's good bits.

But shit got real around 11.

But then their parents split up...

But very, very funny.

But you just have to see it from my point of view.

But you really are very good looking.

But you're drunk

But you've got to ride it out.

But your father is a deeply sexual man.

But, don't panic, it's nothing scary.

But, I mean, now there's only one of you...

But, if you could just,

But, if you could just...

But, like, you know, I wouldn't say no to a maroon.

But, of course, we're just a little bit tight on the purse strings, too.

But...

Cafes are a very...

Can anyone here answer that question?

Can I bring a date?

Can I come in?

Can I eat a water or a sandwich, or something?

Can I get you a cup of tea?

Can I go and get my shoes?

Can I have it?

Can I have it?

Can I help you with the food?

Can I... Can I see this?

Can they?

Can we just...

Can we not?

Can you please just give me some space?

Can't believe that thing's still alive.

Cheers.

Chic means boring don't tell the French.

Chicken, are you chicken? No.

Christ, look at that man.

Christ, woman, there's something wrong with that one,

Christ. Did you wash your hands?

Cigarettes

Claire, are you pregnant?

Claire, it's me, just wondering where you are,

Claire, this is my friend...

Claire, where are you?

Claire!

Claire?

Claire. My God, it's been hell, where have you been?

Claire. Please don't... No, Claire, he came out into the garden...

Climaxing in a few pieces

Clothes?

Coffee?

Come in.

Come on, bitch!

Come on, lighten up.

Come on, little one. Come on, please. No.

Come on, little one. Come on, please. No.

Come on, what's she going to do? Draw me?

Come on, you can do it.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Coming from you?

Congratulations, Claire.

Connor.

Cool.

Cool.

Cos mine would never get in the way

Could be life changing.

Could I get a cheese sandwich to go, please?

Dad always taught me that.

Dad books us boob appointments once a year,

Dad will come in with some weird canapes in a second.

Dad, hi.

Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters

Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters

Dammit, Claire. Have you seen a sort of stressed out version of me

Darling, I thought that must be you.

Darling?

Deal.

Dearest Margaret.

Delve into your past.

Depends on the quality of the piece.

Did he?

Did he?

Did he?

Did we catch that, or is that yours?

Did you find anything nicer?

Did you have a good day?

Did you take it?

Did you take the sculpture?

Did you talk to Dr Samuels about your...?

Did you?

Did you? Does she...

Did you...

Did your father tell you that one of my pieces has gone missing?

Didn't get it.

Difficult business.

Disappointing.

Do I have a massive arsehole?

Do it at the bottom.

Do you ever feel lonely?

Do you ever think about her?

Do you have a problem with the programme?

Do you have rye bread?

Do you know what the lesbian app for Grindr is called?

Do you know what, why don't I just do it?

Do you know? You are the most perfect looking pair.

Do you remember we used to go top to toe?

Do you still wank about me sometimes?

Do you think about your friend?

Do you think she's ever painted Dad naked?

Do you want some normal food?

Do you want some pineapple?

Do you want some prosciutto with that?

Do you want to be alone?

Do you want to go for a drink, or...?

Do you want to go for a drink?

Do you?

Do you... Do you want to come home with me?

Do your worst.

Docs.

Does anyone ever come here?

Does anyone mind if I leave? I've got a dicky tummy.

Does it get very boring,

Does that mean you're a millionaire now? Handy.

Don't be ridiculous.

Don't do a jumpy outy surprise thing,

Don't do it a disservice.

Don't eat too much before dinner.

Don't finish my sentences!

Don't get drunk and shit in your sink again.

Don't hate you...

Don't know.

Don't let other people get in the way of what you really want.

Don't let other people get in the way of what you really want.

Don't look at me like that.

Don't make me hate you.

Don't make this fun!

Don't say anything.

Don't say anything. And please don't contact me

Don't tell anyone I said that. You?

Don't tell Claire, please.

Don't tell Dad about Finland. And don't provoke her.

Don't touch my stuff.

Don't worry Dad's already booking me a taxi.

Don't worry about him, he'll be fine in a minute.

Don't!

Don't!

Don't...

Door opening.

Drink?

Dropped my cucumber.

During your stay here.

Either she's got her period or some serious shit's gone down.

Elaine.

Erection.

Erm, sorry. I think I'm meant to be at...

Erm, would you like two single beds or a double?

Escape artist.

Especially when I'm bored.

Eugh!

Even with each other.

Every cloud...

Everyone has to share here. It's part of the communal...

Everyone telling you how gorgeous you are all the time?

Examined your sister this morning.

Excellent attitude.

Excellent.

Exciting news about his new job.

Excuse me, I have a date.

Excuse me!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Can't resist.

Exhibited here, as are all of the pieces from my first ever sexhibition.

Facial, fetish,

Fair enough.

Felicity tried to use it to get out.

Fine.

Finger up the ass, nipple tickle...?

Finished.

Finland is what you really want.

Finland.

Firstly, we're going to teach you how to breathe.

Five second rule.

Five years of your life...

Flaunting your life.

For fuck's sake.

For guinea pigs.

For repeatedly sticking rubber ended pencils

For the love of a good woman.

For the pigeons.

For when the flat needs a bit of a going over.

For you?

For your small business start up loan.

For your songs and stuff. It's perfect! It's poetic yet real.

Forever.

Found out that her boyfriend fucked someone else

Fuck it.

Fuck it.

Fuck me!

Fuck me! You've got a boyfriend?

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Fuck, no.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck's sake!

Fucked me up the arse.

Fucked me up the arse.

Fucked me up the arse. Yep. It's...

Fucking bitch! You fucking piece of shit.

Fucking last minute bastard trendy parties.

Fucking psycho.

Fully dressed, sat on the side of the bed, gazing at you.

Funny.

Gang bangs, Asian, I'd put a tenner on it.

Get her something she'd never get herself.

Get the trainers. Shop closes in an hour.

Girls!

Girls.

Give it up.

Give me two.

Go on, then.

Go on.

Go on.

Go on.

God, he can't believe how attractive I am.

God, I can't imagine what you've been through.

God, I can't keep up.

God, I can't wait to be old.

God, I'd be lucky. My bottom dropped ages ago.

God, no, my ex is due back any day now anyway, so,

God, sorry! I just had to get that out!

God, that is truly awful. How did she die?

God, they are so fucking tiny!

God, they're hardly even there! I mean, what the fuck even are they?

God, this is so stressful.

God, yeah!

God! Just don't get drunk and scream through his letterbox again.

God! What?

God.

God.

God.

God. I was not expecting to see you again.

God...

Going well?

Good birthday business?

Good one.

Good, you said no and...

Good.

Good. Excellent.

Goodbye

Goodbye then, my...

Goodbye.

Gorgeous, fresh faced, new top, little bit sexy,

Gosh, all sorts of things go missing in this house, don't they?

Gosh, all sorts of things go missing in this house, don't they?

Gosh, how special.

Gosh, look at you all.

Gosh.

Gosh...

Got to hand it to her. Hi.

Got to think about all the people I can have sex with now.

Great

Great.

Great.

Great.

Great.

Guys, it's OK.

Ha, you got me.

Ha.

Had to do a flash poo in Pret.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Harry!

Harry?

Harry?

Harry?

Harry?

Have a go at myself!

Have fun.

Have it at mine this Friday at 7:30, that'd be great.

Have you got enough...

Have you seen Felicity?

Have you seen my sister?

Have you seen my sister?!

He also used to say things like...

He did.

He did. He says it was more like the other way around.

He freaks out if she's gone for longer than a day

He fucked me up the arse.

He hates being alone in a room with me.

He must be about to do something awful.

He must have bent over backwards to get something like that.

He needs help.

He pencil fucked a hamster.

He really...

He says he still has that thing on his penis. Sorry

He says he's still got that thing on his...

He slept with someone else, he said,

He told me he fucked someone else.

He used to go out with Boo.

He was just...

He was really great with my family, my friends loved him.

He was talking about democ...

He'd cook all the time, run baths, hoover.

He'd laugh at all of my jokes.

He's 15.

He's away.

He's going to write that down.

He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate

He's organising your surprise birthday party.

He's sexually inappropriate and he eats raw sausages but no one's

He's sexually inappropriate and he eats raw sausages but no one's

He's wasting me.

Hello, hello

Hello, you.

Hello!

Hello!

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Open!

Help me pick these up. Please, please!

Her? Yeah, we've been together for a couple of months.

Here it is, yeah.

Here we go. I didn't realise this until we were having sex earlier and...

Here we go. This better be good. Here we go.

Here?

Hey,

Hey, come here.

Hey, what are you craving?

Hey!

Hey! We'd make a really cute couple.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Do you do, like, hot organic y food?

Hey. HEY!

Hey. Hey! Hey. Hey.

Hey...

Hi

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Harry, it's me

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hildegard, can I just grab you for a second?

Hmm?

Hold up!

Honestly, you could tell him you're going to pop to the loo

Hooker slag.

Hot

Hot.

Hot.

How about you two? How did you two meet?

How are you,

How are you?

How behind are you?

How can I believe you?

How can you ask that? I've told you about it!

How divine. What a lovely husband you have.

How it excites and connects, how it opens people's minds,

How lovely. Aren't they stunning?

How lovely. Lucky us.

How much do you want for it?

How much?

How the hell did he manage to fuck that up?

How's everything at the cafe? You...

How's the exhibition going?

How's work, Claire?

How's your little restaurant?

Huge.

I actually feel quite emotional.

I admire how much Harry commits to our break ups.

I also fucked it into liquidation.

I always say the wrong thing!

I am in so much trouble.

I am meant to get her the perfect present.

I am not drunk!

I believe they think about their own minds, their own bodies,

I bought her a book

I bought her a necklace with her name on it,

I brought it with me.

I can feel you judging my driving.

I can make baby in safe place,

I can never have enough clothes.

I can organise it and act surprised

I can organise it, do the food, act surprised,

I can see, given our history, why you might think...

I can! It's three turnings away.

I can't blow this body on a baby, Steph.

I can't do it.

I can't do it. I can't do it, I can't do it.

I can't feel my feet.

I can't go out with a dog.

I can't stop smiling. Sorry, I...

I can't survive much longer in this sea of penises.

I check for cancerous lumps in mammary glands.

I couldn't find anything, so you're just going to have

I deserve to be happy, I am allowed to move on,

I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum's.

I did, yeah. Fine, thanks. I'm so sorry.

I didn't realise I'd left it.

I don't believe people always think about sex when they see a naked body,

I don't carry a vagina around with me,

I don't feel anything about guinea pigs,

I don't hate you, I'm scared for you.

I don't have to define myself by how I look

I don't know about you...

I don't know anyone. And, so...

I don't know how.

I don't know where you came from.

I don't know who she is.

I don't know yet.

I don't know, I...

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't need money.

I don't think I can really afford to...

I don't think this is working.

I don't think you have to be alone to be lonely

I don't usually connect with women.

I don't want it in my house.

I don't want to come down on you like a schoolteacher,

I don't want to have sex with anyone else,

I don't want to point fingers but...

I don't... I don't know why she...

I feel very lucky.

I forgot your glass.

I found this.

I fuck everything...

I got a new dinosaur plate, but...

I got distracted on my way to the bathroom.

I got the Finland promotion.

I got the Finland promotion.

I got you this.

I grew up in this house.

I guess...

I had absolutely no idea.

I had to give him my coat.

I had to go into the history on my computer

I hate my body, I hate my body, I hate my body, I hate my body.

I hate myself.

I hate that.

I have a good life and I'm happy, all right?

I have a horrible feeling that I'm a greedy, perverted, selfish,

I have a week to organise that now.

I have an idea.

I have an idea.

I have another question

I have been that person.

I have to give Hillary some Earl Grey.

I have to tell you something.

I have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat.

I haven't farted in about three years.

I hope after this weekend, you will feel rested, inspired.

I hope it's a light flow.

I hope you don't mind my being here, but my Pilates fell through, so...

I just can't stop conjuring an image of you sitting around that cafe,

I just can't stop thinking about it.

I just don't think I should be fucking around behind her back any more.

I just need some...

I just think it might help us focus on each other.

I just thought I should say that I am

I just want to cry.

I just wanted to talk about, you know, when you...

I just wanted to talk to you...

I just...

I just...

I keep forgetting that she's actually talented.

I knew I was different when I was about nine,

I know it's not appropriate but I really think

I know that we...

I know the Finland promotion, that's amazing.

I know this beautiful soap shop.

I know what you look like!

I know what you took!

I know, I can't!

I know, it's infuriating.

I know, that's what I like about you.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I like Harry.

I liked his songs.

I love them, I love them, I love them.

I love your hat.

I masturbate a lot these days.

I masturbate about that all the time.

I mean, almost...

I mean, I can see that you're busy, so... OK, if you want.

I mean, I didn't want to show off, but...

I mean, I don't need to tell you,

I mean, I've done it, it's done.

I mean, it is creepy as fuck.

I mean, it's basically a business meeting.

I mean, it's really all that humans want

I mean, the man's got a problem.

I mean, this is a new detail,

I mean, this place is ridiculous.

I mean, this stuff just gets you straight in the bath.

I mean, we're all being very grown up about this, but...

I mean, you really shouldn't wear such cheap materials.

I might never see you again, but you're very good looking.

I need to get sexy pants.

I never masturbate.

I opened the cafe with my friend Boo.

I ran from the station, so I'm just a bit hot.

I really just need some time away from...

I see it more as a sport.

I see you've been gifted this retreat. How lucky you both are.

I should get on it.

I should have worn my other coat.

I should just get her some perfume.

I should probably go and find Elaine, she doesn't like being left on her own.

I sort of wish you were.

I stole that sculpture from a certain somebody's studio

I stole that sculpture from a certain somebody's studio.

I su...

I suggest you try sitting here in silence for the next hour.

I suppose it's...

I suppose you should meet Hillary.

I swear by my soul, it will.

I swear there are pants that give you thrush.

I swear there are pants that give you thrush.

I take it with me everywhere.

I take this kind of thing very seriously.