The Detour - Season 2 Edit

A barbecue cook off in Houston, Texas.

A big ol' hug?

A bogus operation like this.

A civilized people.

A father is more than a seed.

A federal agency inquiring my clients

A few more.

A few years ago, but this...

A find this highly suspicious.

A ha ha ha!

A hot dog?

A large plain pie and a box of condoms.

A lot of people do.

A lot of people watch it.

A mental patient. Be careful.

A mosquito's not an animal.

A one, a two, a three, four.

A parenthood right now.

A piece of history.

A place to launder money.

A rose on his left buttock.

A sexless marriage is still a marriage.

A stay at home suburban mother of two,

A terrible one.

A week? 10 days tops.

A.K.A. Princess Ninja Starfish of Weird.

Aaaaah ha ha ha!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah! What am I doing?!

Aaah ha ha ow!

Aaah!

Aaah! Oh!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Ohh!

Aah! Ow!

Aah! What...

About all the girls you've slept with.

About her relationship with Carlos.

About that mama grizzly thing.

About that.

About to show us her mastery of that weird thing,

About what?

About, uh, yea big, weighs a shit ton?

Above on the left, the Chrysler Building.

Actually, could you do me a favor?

Actually, it is I who are her husband, Nate.

Actually, that is the literal definition of a husband.

Actually, the withdrawal method,

Adios, amigos.

Adios.

Afraid not.

After everything I've done for you.

Aggressively in our shit?!

Agh!

Ah, Cooba.

Ah, crap. What do I do?

Ah, gee, it's a good day!

Ah, geez.

Ah, great!

Ah, mate, I'm an Aussie.

Ah, not in Australia, mate.

Ah, shit!

Ah, shit!

Ah, shit!

Ah, thank you guys so much. Thank you so, so much.

Ah, that's actually a good point.

Ah, that's wasted on me, man. I don't speak a word of Spanish.

Ah, why not?

Ah, yes... the pièce de résistance

Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Here we go.

Ah. They really should.

Ah...

Aha! Got 'em!

Ahh, Cooba.

Ahh.

Ain't that the truth?

Air conditioning, pool, business center.

AKA...

AKA...

AKA...

All along the way, but, uh...

All families go through this. Or something like it.

All I got to tell you is that this is our property,

All I'm saying is that this is a pretty big universe.

All life needs it to flourish!

All of them.

All of whom could use some... What do you call them?

All right Mr. Parker.

All right, come on. Come on.

All right, drink up! It's Halloween!

All right, guys, get down, get down. Get down.

All right, guys, uh, slow your roll.

All right, I'm out of here.

All right, I'm out of here. You know why?

All right, kid,

All right, let's do it.

All right, listen to me.

All right, make room for the cock bock, everybody!

All right, once again, how did we get here?

All right, you're gonna take a...

All right!

All right!

All right? As a team.

All right? It's a very highly traveled body of water

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Call it what you want.

All right. Do you know what I immensely dislike about you?

All right. Great.

All right. Here we go.

All right. I do.

All right. Let's not get too crazy.

All right. Nothing wrong with that

All right. Suits you well.

All that's missing is my children.

All those business trips for PFR.

All within a block from where we live.

All you've wanted to do is be rich.

Also... And I would also like to say that I'm very sorry.

Although I pity the fool!

Although some people say we're a little rude,

Am I a bastard yet or what?

Am I in trouble?

Am I right?

Amanda J. Just plays regular deep house.

Amen! Yeah!

America on its worst day is still better

America!

America!

America's the greatest country in the world.

Americana!

An actual supplement salesman cold called me.

An hour? No, no. I got to go to work.

An international trafficker of illicit goods?

And a truck they bought together.

And admit there's something bigger than yourself?

And back on the ice, you little shithead!

And committing before your brothers and sisters.

And committing before your brothers and sisters.

And day drinking.

And do you take Robin to be your lawfully wedded wife?

And do you, Robin,

And doesn't realize that she can do better now?

And don't go to the close place

And free newspapers, drinking mimosas.

And get out of my house.

And had slightly racist ways of saying not that racist things?

And He gifted us with this.

And he paid for my college.

And he's got one tattooed on his left buttock.

And her mother was an idiot.

And here it is.

And how long will you be staying with us, Ms. Rabinowitz?

And I came into your room.

And I can still rock a size zero dress.

And I prefer you not use it.

And I quote..

And I thought he was a pretty big idiot.

And I want kids.

And I wanted to be here for you

And I will fight him until my last breath.

And I'll tell you exactly where you can find her.

And I'm gonna wait for the white man.

And I'm like,

And I'm literally standing on the water.

And I'm not that old, okay?

And I'm not there to give him a great big hug

And I'm quite certain there's no such thing as organized luck.

And I've got a pretty big surprise for you

And if every theory's on the table...

And if I could press a button on my phone to get a ride

And if you were smart, you'd come with me.

And in Brooklyn? That's asking a lot.

And is now the prized possession of this gentleman.

And it could take months to litigate

And it doesn't hurt?

And it eases the transition from the amniotic sac into..

And it feels like this ass does belong to her.

And it gets worse

And it still took you three guesses.

And it will just be us.

And Jared.

And kobhaki.

And lose the hat. Makes you look like a douche.

And neither am I.

And no. Come on.

And non denominational meditations tonight.

And now my baby will be born premature!

And now she wants to talk to me.

And on that note, I think I should go.

And on the very same day,

And one of us has got to be a parent.

And promote and sustain mood balance.

And put Shrek's feet on.

And put some tape on it and put it in a book.

And puts us in a hotel... Swift Stay Suites.

And right now, this does not seem to me like a real marriage.

And roll on out of my life!

And she raised that all by herself.

And she's still married to.

And shove bottle rockets in it.

And spend the rest of the day consummating.

And steal your kids.

And tell him it's what every mother hopes for?

And that ain't a hell of a lot. So every theory is on the table.

And that ass just made you a cool $10 million.

And that is gonna get you a green card.

And that noonie doesn't matter, because it all happened

And that's when I found out you were great.

And that's your fault, not mine.

And the diversity? I mean, come on

And the fake I.D.s.

And the first move in a successful squat

And the guy pulled a card out of his..

And the kebabs are decent.

And the kids start school in two weeks.

And the next day, he is an executive.

And the next day, you were an executive.

And the only way I could provide for my one and only daughter

And the other from another?

And the speedometer, odometer, and tachometer,

And the third wheel really brings some stability.

And their son, I don't know how he functions in life.

And then after that, I don't know what we're gonna do.

And then bam, another problem comes along.

And then I had him get you a helicopter,

And then I stopped asking after those two,

And then take a piece of the hair

And then they're sitting there with their hot nuts

And then we came back here, and... the rest is history.

And then you come back and you ask another question,

And then you made me a child bride.

And then you're gonna take a left.

And there's no ticking clock, is there, okay?

And this guy... he can't sue me for anything,

And this guy... he's a businessman.

And this idiot ran it up on the dock.

And this is real?

And three roots a day.

And together, we're undefeatable.

And unlawful search and seizures.

And very happy to see you so happy in an otherwise...

And watch her stupid talent show.

And we don't need you to talk for us.

And we get to use it.

And we'll be living in a trailer park.

And we're gonna figure this shit out.

And we're gonna go get our shit together.

And we're not going anywhere.

And we're not living in it.

And we've been together ever since.

And what are these long nights he's talking about?

And what are these numbers?

And what city was he born in?

And what does a ******* car even look like?

And what, then? I commute 10 hours a day?

And who's better than us?

And who's better than us?

And with the right boat, we can be there in an hour.

And you and Mr. Camacho

And you are not being forced to do this in any way?

And you call me a maniac.

And you kept him from us.

And you know they will ruin it.

And you never saw him again.

And you skate circles around all of those goons

And you squish it all down at the bottom?

And you want to know another thing?

And you wouldn't take my money.

And you're gonna spill it all over your pants

And you're gonna stay away from my family forever.

And you're not wearing a shirt.

And you're not?

And your favorite food is hamburger.

And your kids don't need you anymore, which is great.

And your quixotic pursuit of it is..

And your seat and it's gonna smell like a bus in here.

And your wife.

And, trust me, when I woke up, I was livid.

And, uh, thank you for what you did.

And, uh, you know, putting some good vibes out there.

And, uh...

And... And the one thing he says, family is everything.

And... No, I am not...

And... you know what.

Any American woman he wanted for free.

Any time, anywhere, amigo.

Anything we want.

Anything. And I...

Anyway, the guy's like,

Are the most successful marriages.

Are there, like, a million things you hate about me?

Are we bad parents?

Are you a sociopath?

Are you drinking?

Are you drunk?

Are you from the street?

Are you gonna find this kind of money?

Are you guys having sex?

Are you having an orgasm?

Are you in junior high? Yeah, I like him.

Are you kidding me? God.

Are you kidding me? You're sorry?

Are you kidding me?!

Are you kidding me?! Get off my car!

Are you mad at me, Daddy?

Are you not doing Wikipedia?

Are you okay?

Are you Paris or are you Bean?

Are you praying?

Are you serious? You're having a baby, ma...

Are you serious? You're having a baby, ma...

Are you sick? Are you dying?

Are you sure you really want to be going back to New York City?

Are you talking to me about irresponsibility?

Are you, like, a legit, like, criminal or something?

Are you... Oh. What are you, hanging yourself?

Aren't most babies due at like 40 weeks?

Aren't they?

Ari Voo... Voo...

Ari Voo... Voo... Voo... V...

Ari Voo... Voo... Voo... What is his name?

As in "boy" or "bras" or "bet you're wearing

As in the snowman?

As people.

As you were. Carry on

At the amount of returns he had,

Auspice.

Aw, shit!

Aw, shit! So close!

Babe, I am so sorry I didn't tell you about any of this.

Babe, I don't like the way this feels.

Babe, I really don't want to go to this party.

Babe, just get out. Come on, come on.

Babe, let's go. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Babe, no, they're fine. I saw them.

Babe, this is "impor ant."

Babe, where are you?

Babe, you're white. You can't jump.

Babe!

Babe!

Babe!

Babe?

Babe?

Babe?

Babe? Yeah...

Babe. Jesus Christ.

Babe. What are you... Sorry.

Babies aren't on a schedule.

Baby, what are you doing? Stop doing that.

Baby! She's having a baby!

Baby? Baby. Baby.

Back in Cuba,

Back in the day. We were the blacks

Back up! Out of the way!

Bag's gone. My dad.

Bagel.

Bags?

Bastards.

Be your own OSHA, kid

Because Carlos and I were separated at the time.

Because he's a criminal!

Because I am. All right?

Because I forgot the combination!

Because I got a little oppression

Because I have to show you.

Because I knew she would want to see the club.

Because I know where I'm going.

Because I need it out of my mouth.

Because I needed to make money.

Because I wanted someone to talk to on my drive over.

Because I'm half *******?

Because I'm on the no fly list.

Because I'm paying you to do it.

Because if you don't, my business will go bankrupt

Because it doesn't matter.

Because it's a good parent thing.

Because they grow up so fast.

Because they texted me. They said they were having a great time.

Because this place is ours.

Because we decided we didn't want to have any more kids.

Because we weren't even in a real marriage.

Because women aren't allowed to drive there. It's sexist.

Because you're the boss.

Beck... Beckany, where else

Becky! What the hell?!

Becky? Becky?

Before I met her later on that day at a funeral.

Before we go down this delightful little rabbit hole,

Before you guys arrived,

Believe it or not, it was actually an arranged marriage.

Besides, it goes right by our house.

Besides, the Double D's aren't coming early, okay?

Best thing that ever happened to us.

Beyond a reasonable doubt, that this lying, cheating...

Bit of a hurry.

Boards!!

Boobs. They d... they, well, they...

Boom! Love is in the air

Boss.

Boys, this guy thinks we're a bunch of assholes!

Boys.

Brain on the barbie.

Brat!

Bravo! Bravo! Bravissimo!

Bring those kids home safe, huh?

Bro, can we play darts? On the dart board?

Brothers and sisters, I want to show you

Brought a little something for you.

Brought you...

Brrr brrr brrrr.

Brrr brrr brrrr.

Bruce.

Bruce...

Buddy, get off of me!

Buddy, there's more than one Nate here, okay?

Buddy! Hey!

Buddy! I need those!

Buenas noches.

Bueno. Bueno.

Buenos días, señor.

Buenos días, señora.

Bugs.

Business center?

Business deal for my company, okay?

But "jhey" are red.

But Daddy had a little run in with the law.

But don't worry. We'll make plenty of stops.

But either way, sorry. Well, wait, hold on.

But first, I hereby grant this divorce.

But for most of us, it's shit.

But great to see you again, old friend.

But he fell down the stairs on his own.

But her children and their father...

But I believe in this company, and I can save it.

But I don't "like him, like him."

But I don't do that stuff anymore.

But I don't think it's that kind of family, all right? I know that world.

But I got an important message for a Nate, from his girlfriend.

But I guess that's something you wouldn't understand,

But I guess you communists are all right.

But I have never seen a sopa like this before.

But I hit him already.

But I only obtained after we were separated.

But I really hate that word.

But I slapped him really hard

But I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told the surrogate...

But I've got a bit of a situation here, so...

But if I did, they'd be them.

But if you weren't doing that, what were you doing?

But it should be straightened out in about a year.

But it still looks pretty good for a woman your age.

But it's looking like it's gonna be terminal this time.

But it's supposed to be a "D," so..

But let me just say... I am so sorry

But listen to me. You can't let them break us apart.

But now I feel like a new man.

But please, I'm asking you,

But poor Nate. How could you do this to him?

But seriously, it's like they cut your feet off

But she left her bag.

But she's a good van.

But she's got lumps. Everywhere.

But somebody just saved the company!

But that technology doesn't exist, does it?

But that's because I think

But that's only two and half minutes at this sp...

But that's why you need to get better at skating.

But the both of you have moved on in the last 14 years.

But the boy, Jareb, is a different story.

But the guy we've got in the next room...

But the U.S. government says I can't bring it home

But their parents...

But then everybody had to use the bathroom, so here we are.

But then I called your old boss.

But then you decided to drive yourself to Florida.

But they keep hitting me.

But they're gonna find it. You said it yourself

But this one most definitely looks like me.

But this one... special.

But underneath all that bluster, we're in it together.

But unfortunately, you will not be able to fly with us today.

But upon my second visit, I left feeling that theirs

But we have to say something to him, don't we?

But we're gonna get through this.

But we're moving pretty fast.

But we're never having sex... ever.

But what are we supposed to do out here?

But when we get places, we're great, right?

But yeah.

But you don't get that life until you do this for me.

But you got a lot to learn about how we treat our animals!

But you jumped on some stupid fishing boat.

But you know what, pal? Not anymore.

But you pretend like you don't.

But you will never trick me.

But you're my shit show.

But you're our grandfather.

But your voice goes up like 18 octaves.

But, baby, he saved us, okay?

But, seriously, how is he as a kisser?

But, still, I am a fiend for these things.

But, uh, anchovies, they're fighters.

But, uh, codfish, yes.

But, uh, family's supposed to have moved out last week

But, uh, I got money.

But, uh... maybe we do have too much freedom.

But, uh... you know, I just wanted to say

But, you know, if they were, you know, no judgment.

But, you know, not for a long, long time.

But, you know, the placebic supplements,

But... don't you worry.

Buzz off.

By "deal" you mean, like...?

By a wealthy, deceased relative to spend a shit ton of money.

By any pervert in New York.

By dumb, fat Americans who think they own every...

By standing there and saying "B as in bagel."

By the United States government!

By the way, I wasn't playing dumb.

Bye bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Good luck with that.

Call me if you ever need a lawyer.

Calls for a celebration.

Can I help you?

Can I object to this? I object.

Can I remind you that he kidnapped our children

Can I sleep for a little bit?

Can I take them off?

Can this be a three person game?

Can we be a little more accepting

Can we just not talk for a little while?

Can we play darts on the dart board?

Can you believe that?! Drew Stafford?!

Can you get something to cut it out?

Can you guys take me, please?

Can you hand me a sock or something.

Can you help me up?

Can you help me, please?

Can you hold my cellphone?

Can you make it quick?

Can you make it quick?

Can you smell it?

Can you still see?

Can you tell her to go away?

Can't believe it's the same layout as ours

Can't believe we're finally doing this.

Can't you just give me some drops or something?

Can't you see the moving truck here?

Can't you see the passion? The sexual ferocity?

Capoeira.

Careful, man! I'm sorry!

Careful. It's important.

Carlita, Robin... uh, mi esposa.

Carlos is it?

Carlos, I told you... we're done, okay?

Carlos!

Carlos. "The guy who I helped get his green card" Carlos.

Casper?

Chase! Let's go.

Cheating on things than we do.

Check out all the, uh, the reefs.

Check your privacy settings.

Children are your life's blood.

China!

China!

Close your lips!

Cock bock a doodle do!

Cock bock!

Cock bock!

Cock bock!

Collecting money from these leeches.

Colonels aren't in charge of boats.

Come closer.

Come here, Dagel! Come on, Dagel!

Come home, order pizza,

Come on out, guy, you're done.

Come on up, Nate and Robin!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, cut.

Come on, Delilah. We believe in you.

Come on, dude. You don't want this.

Come on, grow up.

Come on, guys. We all knew this was a bullshit business, right?

Come on, he's yours.

Come on, love.

Come on, Nate.

Come on, Nate. That's why we get married.

Come on, Nate. Your turn.

Come on, plea... No, don't do the accent.

Come on, Sabres! We need help on the blue line!

Come on, Sabres. Do the right thing.

Come on, she's in heaven.

Come on, the cock bock wants to tag out.

Come on, woman, give it some gas!

Come on!

Come on! Come on!

Come on! That did not work!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on, you can do this.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Even the woman. Ta bien.

Come on. Go. Go, go, go, go.

Come on. Have some faith, woman

Come on. How great is this?

Come on. It's Halloween.

Come on. Just stick it in, stick it in.

Come on. Let's get some.

Come on. Let's go to Cooba!

Come on. Let's go. There's no traffic.

Come on. That's got to be a mistake

Come on. We can do this. Okay.

Come on. We got to go.

Come on. With who?

Come on. Would I lie to you?

Commercial flights?

Congratulations, Raju.

Congratulations.

Constipating their marriage.

Cooba.

Cooked on a charcoal grill, 'cause, I mean...

Cool. Ghost dad.

Cool. That's awesome.

Could be Yakuza. He speaks Chinese!

Could be.

Could we not make this about you right now, okay?

Could we take a look at the menu?

Could you tell me you're proud of me?

Court is adjourned until Monday morning.

Cousin Ray still owes 15 grand on this thing

Cripple this country since the Carter administration.

Cuba!

Cuba.

Customs violations, tax evasion,

Customs violations.

Cut it out! Hey, stop!

Cut them out.

Cut... the Goddamn cuffs

Da... Wai... That's my phone!

Dad, can you pick me up? Some wacko just stole my bike.

Dad, quit screwing around.

Dad?

Dad?

Daddy grizzly

Daddy, are we gonna die?

Daddy!

Daddy's back.

Daddy's here.

Dagel. He's my dog.

Damn it!

Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn it. What do I do?

Damn straight!

Darts?

De nada, Señor Jareb.

Deep, deep, deep, deeply in love with her.

Defendant? What are you talking about?

Definitely no.

Delilah, and Jareb!

Delilah, are you ready?

Delilah, do you know him?

Delilah? That's great.

Delilah.

Dick

Dick.

Did God set you up on Linkedln?

Did God set you up on Linkedln?

Did I cut a few corners?

Did it?

Did she Mirandarize you?

Did we get off on the right floor?

Did you drug us or something?

Did you get any of that? Nope. None of it.

Did you get me everything? 'Cause I wanted everything.

Did you guys just move in next door?

Did you have sex with my sister?

Did you just fake an orgasm?

Did you know that right now

Did you meet your husband?

Did you or did you not love my client?

Did you put a camera in our house?

Did you really think you could go by unnoticed?

Did you tell them about Carlos trying to get custody of Jared?

Did you?

Did you?

Did your penis go inside my sister's vagina?

Do I look like I'm ready?

Do me a favor.

Do not get off on this!

Do not jump in the water!

Do not jump in the water!

Do something, because I can't handle this.

Do they still have it?

Do we need to sign something or...

Do what you do best.

Do what?

Do you guys have a pool?

Do you have grown up sizes, or...?

Do you hear that hissing?

Do you keep track of every $40,000 you have?

Do you know how hard it is to raise a child?

Do you know what chaos we'd be in

Do you know what it says?

Do you know where your balls are?

Do you know who else is nice to children?

Do you mean a compliment?

Do you mean the Claire's Boutique

Do you need a hug?

Do you see any cars?

Do you think I'm being too proud?

Do you think I'm being too proud?

Do you think my husband's hot?

Do you understand the damage you've caused my family?

Do you want roaches?

Do you want some of this?

Do you want to beat up Carlos?

Do you want to consummate this thing?

Do your parents tell you everything?

Does he prefer charcoal or gas grills?

Does this thing have cruise control?

Doesn't look how I imagined it.

Doesn't look like an ass.

Don Cherry Parker.

Don't apologize to those assholes.

Don't apologize.

Don't be stupid. You'll just be opening yourself up

Don't blame me. Blame your mom.

Don't call it that.

Don't call me that.

Don't do anything stupid, okay? Thank you

Don't doodle. Answer the question.

Don't ever talk to me again.

Don't fall for his bullshit, Nate.