Baby Daddy (2012) - Season 1 Edit

A better shot with Riley

A big ol' pile of love.

A big thank you.

A concussion, remember?

A family lined up.

A grown up.

A hot, sweaty dumpster

A plan!

A pretty smart young lady

A real professional hockey player.

Aah, what?

Aah.

Aah.

About bread.

About bringing babies into the locker room.

About how great I'm doing with Emma,

About that hot waitress I went out with named Emma?

About that new position, I like to think of myself as management material.

About the baby?

About what happened with Cassie

Actually I've been taking this estate planning class

Actually sounds like a pretty good idea.

Actually, Ben.

After all these years.

After I saw your penis on the ultrasound.

After we had sex.

After you give the baby a bath.

Afternoon, sir. Things can really pile up

Again, thank you?

Agree's kind of a strong word.

Ah

Ah ah.

Ah, it's even got that new stroller smell.

Ah!

Ahh...

All good

All I care about is you.

All I heard was "Oh, dear lord,"

All I wanted to say

All in this little jar.

All of my good parts.

All of my good parts.

All of these old feelings from high school

All qualities I'm looking for in a bartender.

All right hand. Thank you.

All right, Emma.

All right, Emma. Let's go get Daddy a promotion.

All right, gather around.

All right, get back out there.

All right, go ahead. No? Didn't think so.

All right, I need my ring back.

All right, I will see you tonight

All right, she's out.

All right, so then you just

All right, sports fans. Let's talk hockey and Danny Wheeler

All right, you're Danny Wheeler.

All right? On three.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Let me put this for you another way

All right. Um, so whoever's holding

All right. Um, so whoever's holding

All those times.

All women really want to hear

Also known as Riley.

Although technically I'm more of a friend.

Amazing, right?

And a hot young wife.

And also the part

And apparently there's some new rule

And by special, I mean

And check in and then I'll be fine.

And did all the things with her

And do whatever Mom, where you going?

And don't take "no" for an answer.

And drop it off at the arena. He'll never know.

And Emma deserves better.

And Emma loves her.

And feed her.

And finally learn to believe in yourself.

And finally my day gets a little brighter.

And for Ben to sign away his rights.

And funny.

And get back to you?

And go easy on your brother,

And he'll be right back. Can you watch Emma for a sec?

And her backup band,

And here comes my omelet.

And here's another good thing about having Mom watch Emma

And his game winning goal.

And hopefully, I'll stop him

And how I hope Emma grows up

And how is that any different

And how you grew into this amazing,

And I am taking her out this afternoon.

And I had you two,

And I know one of y'all is holding.

And I never get to see Emma.

And I realized I should have

And I really wish

And I think you're gonna be a pretty great one.

And I think you're wrong and I'm right.

And I want my key and my baby back.

And I wish I had a you that could take a hint.

And I'm late for the rink. Coach wants me to practice

And I'm Tucker.

And I've got her tonight, which is what we like to call

And I've only been in town an hour.

And if you've ever had ours,

And instantly think mommy?

And it just got a whole lot cooler.

And it will be, honey.

And it's emasculation Saturday with Vanessa.

And left the baby on the doormat.

And never having your own gum.

And nobody looks inside.

And now you lock me in? Make up your mind, Ben.

And now you've got your mornings free.

And now, like you said,

And obviously very attractive.

And remember to your grave.

And remember, she needs a second bottle around 10:00

And she broke up with me

And she just needs a little time.

And she needs me to relinquish my rights.

And she's done.

And since Ben is conveniently

And sitting up on its own.

And some slightly expired meat from the bar kitchen

And spent every moment with Emma

And stay out of the penalty box.

And successful woman I think you can

And tell me what you think.

And that is the great thing

And that would be the perfect amount of time.

And that's exactly what I'm trying to be.

And that's what I'm doing.

And the candles?

And the cleavage?

And the fact that the big guy showered,

And the new one's gonna blow any minute.

And the sun was setting so it made it look like you had a halo.

And the sunsets were incredible.

And then I'll follow your lead.

And then I'll just shove it in a plastic bag

And then move on.

And then once they got you bam!

And then you can all return

And there's nothing more responsible than that.

And they take, like, nine months

And they've got Emma out past her bedtime.

And throw it all away.

And tires squealing,

And today it is

And used to kick the crap out of Ben

And voila,

And what kind of message is that to send them?

And what's the point of giving Emma everything,

And who said having you around

And who said you had no discernable skills?

And whoever's in there, she isn't mine.

And won.

And would it kill you to refill

And wrap it in dead meat,

And you make your mother proud.

And you're gonna press my socks?

And you're wrong not to consider me.

And your 24 fries.

And your rabbit,

And your Uncle Danny.

And, honey, I guarantee that you will do anything

And, um, she said

And... Will you marry me?

Angela!

Angela.

Angela's back.

Angry blonde with a baby coming through, people.

Answer to both? I did.

Anyone?

Anything about anything.

Apparently, Emma's not the only one

Apparently, still your signature move.

Are in my apartment hiding out.

Are those my socks?

Are you asking my advice on how to get her?

Are you hungry?

Are you just giving keys to everyone now? What are you doing?

Are you kidding? Emma.

Are you kidding? You're doing us a favor.

Are you serious?

Are you sure about that?

Aren't you gonna pick her up?

Around the corner, and I thought I would see

As "I've always loved you."

As anything other than...

As perfect and healthy as she seems.

As soon as I freshen up.

As soon as she wakes up, we're out of here, I swear.

At him, after all, huh?

At least if you get the job, I won't feel like I totally wasted my time.

At least this time,

At our little patient here.

At the arena, and there is nothing

At this point, it really don't matter. Where you going?

Aww.

Baby's at the ready...

Ballerina tutu day.

Basically replacing you.

Be careful. Grab this end.

Be your baby, right?

Because he's never gonna see you

Because his entire family

Because I swear for like two seconds I actually believed you.

Because I'm practicing to be a dad.

Because I'm pretty sure she's on her way over.

Because it says here that you two were married

Because it's from a place I can't pronounce and it has a cork.

Because when I told her you decided to keep Emma,

Because you couldn't figure out the basics

Because you destroyed

Because...

Bedrooms.

Been there, done that.

Before Ben gives them a key, too.

Before she hits me with a giant

Before she went to bed last night and

Before that, I was waiting tables.

Before the big game.

Before the doctor even

Before we ran out of everything.

Before we were...

Before you got here which is totally true.

Believe me,

Believe me, we are trying.

Believe me.

Ben

Ben I'm sorry.

Ben could admit that he needs help

Ben honey, we need to talk.

Ben wetter!

Ben Wheeler, I hate you.

Ben, Emma loves everyone.

Ben, hi.

Ben, I am so sorry to do this to you,

Ben, if you don't want to do this, man

Ben, Jack. They're just old friends

Ben, just tell your mom how you feel.

Ben, tell Riley she can't go.

Ben, we need to return the stroller.

Ben, you gotta calm down, okay?

Ben, you gotta get in on it.

Ben?

Ben?

Ben..

Best shower ever

Big finish!

Blushing, flirting,

Bodily functions make him queasy.

Bonnie.

Boo!

Boys are so stupid, aren't they?

Brand new, bud.

Bro, it's going to be okay.

Building up your strength.

But a horrible dance of pain that will leave you both

But back then I just figured

But Ben truly does all the heavy lifting.

But casual has not wanted me.

But come on, I mean, huh, aah.

But crab cake Chloe just invited me over

But don't you worry, little Emma.

But Emma and I had so much fun yesterday,

But Emma threw up on your comforter.

But have no fear, because daddy's here.

But he could really use your help.

But I don't know what I'm doing.

But I for one am very glad you got traded.

But I have no choice. I just have to

But I just can't stop thinking about him.

But I just so don't got this.

But I like his idea better.

But I need to be the one raising Emma.

But I need you!

But I never met her.

But I think we could definitely use some help.

But I think we should probably talk about

But I think you made the right decision.

But I want to give it to her, okay?

But I'll see everyone at Danny's game

But I'm a relationship magnet.

But I'm hoping that in time you'll come to accept it.

But I'm looking for someone a little more... responsible.

But I've got to hand her off.

But if you could try to wedge in a word or two

But it's not because it's lucky.

But it's not.

But just be honest.

But just know that nothing you can say to me

But let me do the talking.

But like any good plan, I had a plan B,

But maybe next time you could try it

But maybe someone else cares.

But maybe try to punch out a few less people

But not in a manager.

But once I found it, you know, it's...

But since I work in the afternoons,

But that feeling?

But trust me, she will know what to do.

But we need her to watch Emma,

But we tied.

But we're doing the last name thing, so it's

But were too shy because of your weight problem.

But whoever left it, they couldn't have gotten far.

But with a father like that,

But yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that. No.

But you can't raise this little girl.

But you know what? I was just on the phone with Vanessa

But you need to hear it and I need to say it.

But you two, not so fast.

But you've seen your uncle Danny.

But your brother and I are in love.

But, honey, listen to me.

But, I think we owe

But, mom, you'll always be my sock girl.

But, um..

By a hot baby nurse.

By asking you to come over.

By barging in unannounced and ruining my evening.

By other things.

By the rangers. Yes, these are your socks

Bye bye

Bye bye.

Bye! Bye!

Call me "H."

Can be any worse than what I'm already saying to myself.

Can I go to my room now?

Can I use your bathroom?

Can we please do this again soon?

Can we please go over the list now?

Can't. I have a wife now.

Care for a retrial, counselor?

Carnal knowledge of her sister in our tree house?

Cassie. I'm a nurse practitioner.

Cassie's a nurse.

Check this out.

Checkered.

Chicago, Atlanta,

Chicken, carrots, and pasta.

Chip my windshield, I knew it.

Close enough.

College,

Come

Come here, angel.

Come here, baby.

Come here.

Come on, Emma, come here!

Come on, Emma, let's go finish

Come on, Emma.

Come on, Emma. Just a sip, okay?

Come on, guys. I've been working on Chloe

Come on, it's okay.

Come on, man. It's gonna be okay.

Come on, mi amor.

Come on, you have to eat.

Come on!

Come on! You have to paint a picture.

Come on.

Come on. And remember,

Congratulations, Wheeler.

Constantly learning something new.

Crap. Don't say crap.

Cross check?

Daddy's here.

Damaged, empty shells for years to come!

Danny just whaled on

Danny Sr.

Danny, focus!

Danny, give me the remote!

Danny, Jack. Jack, Ben.

Danny, please.

Danny, where are you?

Danny, you were amazing.

Danny, your jersey

Danny?

Danny?

Danny? The other one?

Danny's right. I lied.

Date of birth?

Definitely something for the plus column.

Determine your greatness.

Did not know she was my boss's daughter.

Did somebody bake muffins?

Did they really say

Did you all miss the part

Did you always like Ben?

Did you guys hear me?

Did you hear that? Hmm? Ben's advice?

Did you make them?

Did you miss the part where my baby got left alone?

Did you miss your Auntie Riley

Did you say something, honey?

Did you tell her?

Didn't I tell you? I just got drafted

Do I have something in my nose?

Do I really need to take all the baby stuff?

Do you expect me to believe that you don't know where they are?

Do you got

Do you remember that rank jersey

Do you remember when you were little

Do you think I could ever be more than a bartender?

Do you think that I'm going out with Jack?

Do you understand?

Do you wanna come with? Drinks are on me.

Do you want to see her picture?

Do you?

Does it say anything else?

Does that minivan look familiar to you?

Doing this with you now if I had.

Don't do that to me,

Don't feel too bad.

Don't forget we need to feed her.

Don't know, 'cause I've never been in there.

Don't need grandma's help any more.

Don't pay attention to anything

Don't really seem to be interested

Don't use swear words.

Don't worry, Emma. Daddy will figure this out.

Don't worry, you won't even know Mom was here.

Don't worry. Everything can be returned.

Don't you ever go home, Walker?

Done.

Done.

Double Margarita, rocks.

Down by the reservoir.

Dude, it's New York.

Dude, what's the rush?

Dude, you're drooling on me.

Dude, you're gonna be gone

Dude! You're amazing!

Efficient.

Emma doesn't need to be saved.

Emma Wheeler?

Emma, I am so sorry.

Emma, it's okay, daddy's here.

Emma, you're my new good luck charm.

Emma!

Emma?

Emma? Found her!

Emma. Thank God you're okay.

Emma's having some kind of meltdown.

Emma's mom wants to put Emma up for adoption

Emma's my daughter. I have a daughter.

Emma's straight and very single father.

Emma's straight and very single father.

Emma's very single father.

Emma's very single father.

Enjoy it.

Even I can tell

Even if I wanted to.

Ever since that Fatpants daughter of hers

Every day of his life.

Everything you said about Riley was true.

Everything's got to be perfect.

Exactly, it could just as easily

Exactly.

Exactly. No, I mean...

Exactly. Something like that, but not so sappy.

Except for maybe that.

Except maybe that.

Excuse me,

Excuse me, Mr. Henderson.

Fancy ass lawyer wannabe?

Fatpants Perrin?

Fatpants.

Fattening.

Finally one for the "z"s.

Finally, my little princess has her carriage.

Finally. There's my little princess.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. Ben, you are never gonna believe what just happened.

Fine. I've got her this morning.

Fine. Just be quick please.

Fine. Just go.

Fine. Look, if you really want a relationship,

Finger tracks in the peanut butter.

First doctor's visit.

First of all,

First stop Miami. You ready for that, Wheeler?

Fly down for the weekend and check it out? It'll be fun.

For a parenting expert.

For a woman who just had a baby,

For all kinds of reasons.

For every game.

For four or five hours.

For making me talk about my feelings.

For provisions and

For telling you this,

For the 100th time, I don't like Riley.

For the last hour.

For the plus column.

For those teeth.

For you, and I'm pretty sure it's good

For, like, five weeks.

Formally known as just "Ben."

Formally known as just "Ben."

Forward is my favorite direction

Friends.

From Gordon's? My mouth guard

From me?

From shredding you

From the extra hair product

From the job you already have for being too pushy.

From what you're trying to do?

Game on. But I gotta warn you

Gentlemen, place your bets.

Get a room.

Get comfortable together,

Get out of my apartment and go talk to your mom.

Get the key.

Gets the stroller the whole rest of the day.

Getting himself to bed?

Give it, give it, give it!

Give me a call sometime,

Give me that.

Give me that. Vanessa, honey?

Given you a list.

Glad to see you took my advice.

Go on, bye bye.

Go. Now

God knows where, doing God knows what?

God, he always put on the best

God, I can't believe Ben would just take our fake relationship

Good what do you mean, good?

Good idea. I'll watch Emma.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good night, Emma.

Good. All right.

Got a daughter about her age.

Got a girl pregnant

Got into law school she's just

Grandma is gonna get her princess her special carriage back.

Granted, you really had to look for it,

Great news,

Guess I always thought maybe someday,

Guess we're really gonna do this thing.

Guys, come on

Guys, it's all right

Guys, we got a note.

H. Hey, what's happening?

Hair flipping?

Hairy soap.

Happen to be in this bar?

Happens to my granddaughter,

Has anyone seen Emma?

Has gone to the great laundry basket in the sky.

Have a seat.

Haven't you broken up with her yet?

He can do it.

He can't do it alone.

He doesn't hate you.

He has no eyebrows, and only four fingers on his right hand.

He hasn't taken that many pucks to the head.

He hit him first.

He looks up to you.

He might be.

He needs you

He seemed nice.

He was only 14.

He was so big,

He was wearing this when he won

He went that way.

He'll know!

He'll never believe in himself, either.

He'll never know, right?

He's calling you to come help with Emma

He's exactly like his father,

He's finally gonna walk up to me and say

He's kind of cute, right?

He's on a date

He's one of the most responsible young men

Heart stopping,

Hello, princess.

Hello?

Hello...

Her name's Emma.

Her name's Emma.

Her name's Zoe.

Here is my retainer.

Here it comes, baby.

Here it comes.

Here we go.

Here you go.

Here's where they keep all the free stuff.

Hey hey, Danny!

Hey, Ben. Did I ever tell you

Hey, big guy, there's really no reason

Hey, buddy, why don't you put a towel on or something?

Hey, check it out.

Hey, don't knock the system, okay?

Hey, don't worry about mom.

Hey, Emma, Daddy really missed you today.

Hey, I need another one.

Hey, I'm just glad you got rid of Mom.

Hey, it's okay, princess.

Hey, it's okay.

Hey, look, I know the last few days have been a little rough,

Hey, man, what's going on?

Hey, man. I just met a couple of my new teammates

Hey, man. Really sorry for messing up

Hey, Riley.

Hey, thanks again for being so nice

Hey, Tuck, I was just

Hey, Tuck, I was thinking.

Hey, Tucker?

Hey, Vanessa.

Hey, wake up.

Hey, what's with the wine?

Hey!

Hey! Hey, man! That is not fair!

Hey! I could really use a diaper out here

Hey! I wanna re negotiate!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Ben, you're not gonna believe

Hey. You okay?

Hi

Hi, baby.

Hi, baby.

Hi, Bonnie Wheeler Ben and Danny's mom.

Hi, Bonnie Wheeler..

Hi, Emma

Hi, Emma.

Hi, I am so sorry to interrupt.

Hi, I'm Emma's dad.

Hi, Ma.

Hi, Riles.

Hi, Riley.

Hi, Riley. Officer.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

His first championship.

His lucky jersey?!

Hmm. Wow. When I said this to my myself

Hold her while I get her bottle ready,

Hold her.

Holding our totem, Ben?

Holy crap,

Holy crap!

Honestly.

Honey, I love you,

Honey, I still buy your pants.

Honey, it wasn't the community college fairy

Honey, listen to me.

Honey, she's not hiding,

Honey, you can't hide things from me.

How can he believe in himself?

How could she just leave her here?

How could someone so small

How did she get in here?

How did that happen?

How did you know about my tattoos?

How do you know?

How does this keep happening to me?

How good do those steaks smell?

How hard can it be?

How long were we gone?

How long were you there?

How much do you want to be involved?

How much longer do you think

How old is your baby?

How was I supposed to know you were on a date?

How's Cassie?

How's it going so far?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? Amazing, right?

Huh? I'm still eating.

Hundred.

I I can't right now.

I actually was gonna say, "Why don't we order some fried things?"

I almost forgot my present.

I always have ketchup on my eggs

I am completely over him.

I am not pretending to be your wife.

I am so so sorry.

I assumed I'd see her in the mornings.

I assumed.

I bet you're hungry, huh?

I brought um

I can put her down.

I can't believe I know

I can't believe I'm finally gonna get

I can't believe that's all I had to do.

I can't believe this is happening.

I can't believe you can't stand up

I can't believe you're gonna make me do it.

I can't believe you're still so superstitious.

I can't do it.

I can't go in there.

I can't go out there.

I can't let her go.

I can't sign those papers now.

I can't stop thinking about Emma.

I certainly don't want you to get the impression

I cooked everything myself.

I could have been a model.

I couldn't do it. It's too much travel.

I couldn't raise this baby

I didn't believe in him.

I didn't do anything.

I didn't even tell her I was here.

I didn't really need tutoring.

I didn't see you there.

I didn't think he could do it.

I do this at work every day.

I do.

I don't care what that reporter said.

I don't care.

I don't even care about the job any more.

I don't have to fly to Mexico.

I don't hear anything

I don't know any Emmas.

I don't know what I want.

I don't know which is more fun,

I don't know, I don't speak baby.

I don't know, Tucker.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Kind of.

I don't think Emma's the problem.

I don't think it's me

I don't think so. What is the matter with you?

I don't want to hear about it.

I don't, but it's all I got.

I enjoy casual. I want casual.

I faced mine tonight.

I feel badly for you

I gave her a call while you were outside.

I get it

I get it.

I get this block.

I got 11.

I got a baby over here.

I got it. Tucker, come on.

I got the job.

I got us matching outfits.

I gotta finish getting ready for work.

I gotta get to work,

I guess I missed out on the part of the plan

I guess I should give you this back.

I guess I was just afraid that I wouldn't be here

I guess that makes me a frunkle.

I guess the LSAT's kind of tricky,

I guess what they say is true.

I had to have a "c," "d," and "e" section.

I had to put my dreams on hold.

I hate that code.

I hate that girl.

I hate that word.

I have an exam in an hour, and right now,

I have been looking everywhere for this.

I have her a key, and now she's practically moved in.

I have some news.

I have wives I see less than you.

I haven't figured my life out yet.

I haven't said to anyone since high school.

I hope everything is okay.

I hope you didn't think I was too forward

I just

I just came to the city every day

I just gotta change a diaper.

I just had an amazing idea.

I just have to get this right.

I just keep imagining

I just knew you could do it.

I just know how early Emma wakes up,

I just know if we all pull together,

I just met

I just need to find something to use as a truth totem.

I just want Emma to have a father she can be proud of.

I just wanted to get to know you better.

I kind of had to improvise.

I kind of knew that.

I knew how important it was to you

I know how scary it is to wake up

I know I said I got this,

I know it was my turn with Emma tonight,

I know this looks horrible, but I'm not a cheater.

I know this might not be the best time to tell you this,

I know what Cassie is doing.

I know you guys think that's funny,

I know you're right.

I know you're terrified of talking to your mom,

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

I know.

I know.

I like to stay organized, so I keep all my important papers together.

I like to think that she got

I liked Mr. Wheeler.

I look forward to our next sidebar.

I love donuts.

I love her.

I loved that tree house.

I may have lost a pound or two.

I mean I mean I'm right for the job,

I mean after you go out with her.

I mean maybe she's into you too.

I mean we already made it this far.

I mean,

I mean, better.

I mean, I know he'd hate me

I mean, I'm barely even helping out.

I mean, I'm fast, but...

I mean, nobody is that nice.

I mean, seriously, what are we gonna do with a wipes warmer?

I mean, there is no

I mean, who'd want to go out with a good liar?

I meant Emma.

I meant I'm going with him.

I meant my mom.

I meant with Ben.

I met Angela at that party in the village...

I might have underestimated you, Wheeler.

I miss you already.

I need help, not a replacement.

I need you, mom

I never meant to replace you.

I never noticed how sparkly

I never want to talk about it again, okay?

I never want you out of my sight, ever. Okay?

I never washed it.

I once left Danny at a Wal Mart when he was two.

I only wrote that in my notebook every day.

I realize that Thanksgiving might be a little awkward this year,

I really am sorry about your futon.

I really appreciate you letting me crash here, bud.

I really want to prove mom wrong.

I rushed home and I married Danny Sr,

I said 23.

I said I'll figure this out and I will.

I should be back by five.

I showed you how to do everything.

I still wear it under my uniform

I talked about you a lot.

I think Emma's a little young

I think I got it

I think I want to do this.

I think I will die feeling

I think she rolled over for the first time this morning.

I think so.

I think somebody needs her diaper changed.

I think that was you.

I think we're actually good.

I think we're all done here.

I think we're sham shopping

I think we've got everything.

I think you can handle this part.

I think you might just make a go of this.

I thought Emma was with you.

I thought I might never see you again

I thought the plan was to break up with Vanessa?

I thought you were

I told her that we were gonna go to the park and

I told you so.

I tried.

I truly don't trust this guy.

I try so hard, but Ri gantor

I turned it down.

I wanna talk to him about a new management position.

I want to show her I can be a good dad.

I was just saying how great you are with Emma.

I was just thinking about our conversation from earlier

I was just working it out with the guys.

I was kind of afraid to tell you this,

I was lucky he could sign

I was sitting outside having coffee

I was thinking about redoing my will

I was too fat, or too

I was trying to push it out.

I was, uh, just having dinner

I wish it were that easy.

I wish there was a way to find out if she's still there.

I would never do something like that. Danny, back me up here.

I wouldn't object to that.

I'd live on them if they weren't so...

I'd probably go with creative go getter.

I'll be quick. Well, not that quick.

I'll be quiet.

I'll buy you coffee and we can work on our story.

I'll do it.

I'll drive it around town,

I'll go to the store.

I'll handle Mom. Take this.

I'll put Emma to bed,

I'll see you guys at your place

I'll stay.

I'll take a real friend over fake wife any day.

I'll tie it to my bumper,

I'll totally back you up.

I'll wait here

I'm a grandma!

I'm annoyed because everyone keeps forgetting

I'm begging you.

I'm Ben Wheeler,

I'm curious.

I'm definitely a leader, not a follower.

I'm ever going to quit smiling.

I'm fine!

I'm five minutes away from getting fired

I'm free.

I'm getting that.

I'm going to go talk to my son.

I'm gone for two seconds,

I'm gonna eat all your food.

I'm gonna go get a bottle ready.

I'm gonna go get something to eat.

I'm gonna tell him to grow up,

I'm guessing she didn't just stop by

I'm in love with you and I think we should be together.

I'm invoking the bro code.

I'm just checking him out

I'm just faking being married so your dad will consider me for a job.

I'm just making conversation.

I'm just saying,

I'm just saying, I think we need to talk.

I'm just saying.

I'm just working on our backstory.

I'm listening.

I'm nervous enough.

I'm new at this.

I'm not ready to be a dad.

I'm not really a baby person.

I'm not that fast.

I'm not the fat girl that used to sit on his head.

I'm not you.

I'm on break, man.

I'm out of food, her diaper's history,

I'm ready. Let me have it.

I'm really glad we're friends.

I'm really sorry I sat on your head

I'm so excited.

I'm sorry I sat on your head.

I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. Doctor...?

I'm sorry, I didn't know we were drinking before this meeting.

I'm sorry. I came as soon as I got your message.

I'm sure Ben hates me now.

I'm sure one of these days

I'm sure she's not even your baby.

I'm sure there was no correlation.

I'm taking the Henderson brand national

I'm talking about Danny and Ben.

I'm talking about one special number.

I'm telling you bad idea.

I'm telling you, there is no way.

I'm the worst father in the world.

I'm trapped with your mom.

I'm your sister not your mother.

I've been telling my boss the mom's outside smoking

I've been tutoring him.

I've got a kid now and I

I've got a lap full of pee, and it isn't even mine.

I've got this under control.

I've never been able to talk to her.

I've never gone out there without it.

I've never gone out with a girl like Cassie before.

I've only got one girl in my life right now.

I've tormented the guy every day of my life.

Ice down my bra.

If anyone finds out she's really my baby.

If anything happens to my child

If Ben needed any help getting Emma to bed.

If I do this,

If I let her go,

If I sign this, I'm not a father anymore.

If I'm not even here to see her enjoy it?

If it's drool, spit up,

If it's drool, spit up,

If nobody believes in him,

If only you had anything I wanted half of.

If that's true, then why did he make that call?

If you can get a woman like that,

If you didn't offer free showers

If you don't stay on top of them.

If you ever see me offering to help him again,

If you go in there and help him,

If you go in there and help him,

If you know what I mean.

If you want me to go talk to her

If you want to start talking about Riley.

If you're not home in two seconds...

Impressive.

In a headlock.

In a strange place.

In fact,

In here that might require a Hazmat suit.

In his eyes, you have everything.

In my book you are awesome.

In our apartment every afternoon is a bad idea.

In our mediation class for settling disputes.

In the bathroom mirror, it was really smooth.

In the hallway

In the iris.

In the locker room before every game.

In the real world.

In three, two,

In Vegas when you were 18.

In what?

Independent woman.

Intimate.

Is anyone here?

Is everything okay?

Is everything okay?

Is everything okay?

Is it always this violent?

Is she all right?

Is she having fun?

Is she okay?

Is take a paternity test.

Is telling him he can't do it.

Is that I'm proud of you.

Is that okay?

Is that Tucker?

Is that what you think?

Is that you're a horrible liar.

Is the truth. We can take it.

Is this about Riley?

Is this all you brought with you?

Is this duct tape?

Isn't it great she's on a schedule?

Isn't it great?

Isn't it perfect?

Isn't that a conflict of interest?

Isn't this fun?

It bit the dust in the washer

It could be anyone.

It doesn't matter.

It happened,

It has to be something romantic, like

It is going to be okay.

It looked like a rag to me.

It meant that I had to be the responsible parent.

It took her a while.

It was like in high school when you had to learn

It was my brilliant pep talk

It was probably my fault.

It was totally my fault.

It's a bunny the size of your daddy's roommate.

It's actually another thing

It's actually quite disgusting.

It's all pretty basic.

It's all right

It's almost 7:00.

It's always something.

It's because I paid a lot of money

It's different because...

It's Emma's future too.

It's getting one that's hard. How do I do that?

It's gonna make this so much easier.

It's good.

It's his loss.

It's just

It's just a jersey.

It's just you, me and the clock.

It's like ever since he came back into my life,

It's like I'm totally free

It's like, gross,

It's me Wheeler Walker W,

It's my sister's.

It's never gonna get any better than this.

It's not gonna happen.

It's not just about me any more.

It's not like I'm threatened,

It's not like you had any plans, right?

It's not lucky.

It's not over yet.

It's not really all that complicated.

It's okay, Emma.

It's okay, I'm his mother.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's pretty obvious

It's really hard to listen to someone

It's ruined, destroyed,

It's sleeping with the lint.

It's so nice to finally meet a guy

It's tight, but it's definitely

It's time for baby roll.

It's weird,

It's Wheel never mind.

It's your responsibility.

Jack a guy who's actually interested in me.

Jack Jack Parker.

Jack, Danny.

June 21st, 2010,

Just barge in unannounced and ruin our evening.

Just came bubbling back up.

Just follow my lead.

Just go.

Just have lunch with Cassie

Just one good belch

Just playing a little hide and seek.

Just so you know, if anything

Just suspicious.

Just take a diaper and a bottle.

Just talk to him

Just told you the truth from the beginning.

Just trying out the worst date ever.

Just trying to make a point here, people.

Keep going.

Keep that in mind. Thanks.

Knock knock, child services.

Knock, knock?

Know how you can tell? If I did, I'd be with them.

Last year, I was doing construction.

Laundry.

Laundry.

Law school buddy.

Law school, this...

Let me give you a little advice,

Let that poor woman out of the bathroom.

Let's go, Wheeler!

Let's have lunch tomorrow and discuss that job.

Let's just say

Let's just say it's a very complicated story.

Let's see what you got

Let's take a look at that winning goal.

Let's try "No thanks, I got it."

Like boobs.

Like sit around in your underwear playing videogames

Like they're trying to change thsubject

Like you did his lucky jersey.

Listen, listen. Just pull yourself together!

Listen.

Listen.

Little lady goes to law school and she's running late.

Long enough.

Long enough.

Look at me.

Look at you.

Look what daddy can do.

Look what your grandma brought you.

Look, I appreciate the whole "eager kid" thing,

Look, I know I should have

Look, I know I should have told you.

Look, I like you. I really do.

Look, I'm not here.

Look, look, Emma, it's good.

Look, the point is

Look, you're right.

Look.

Looks fast.

Looks like he's interested in hitting more than the books.

Loud, or too hairy, or

Magnetize me.

Make sure she stays there!

Makes everything a sandwich.

Man, I did think it really hard though.

Man, I gotta work on my go time.

Married, gay, commitment issues

Maybe even a little bored.

Maybe he'll notice me now.

Maybe I'll just go hose off out back.

Maybe I'll see what that's like

Maybe I'm a little jealous,

Maybe it's because I can move my arms

Maybe now I know why I was traded.

Maybe you haven't noticed.

Maybe.

Me standing here, talking to myself.

Me?

Message received. Thank you, Danny.

Might actually be interested?

Mm mm.

Mm.

Mm. I swear, I must have cried for two days

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mom also baby proofed all the cabinets.

Mom has this thing about boundaries.

Mom just put Emma down 10 minutes ago.

Mom was right.

Mom, please.

Mom, please. I can explain.

Mom, remember,

Mom, there is gonna be no "I told you so" this time.

Mom, wait!

Mom, what are you doing here?

Mom, you know I couldn't do this without you,

Mom, you're not supposed to be here for another five hours.

Mom!

Mom! Go!

Mom.

Mom.

Mom...

Mom's got it covered.

More bro time.

Morning!

Most guys are fairly clueless.

Mother's history?

Move it. Come on. Move it, move it, move it.

Mr. Hopson,

Mrs. Wheeler?

My baby's three months old.

My bad, but I was a little preoccupied

My big list is in the other room.

My brother and my best friend

My brother's an idiot.

My date with Cassie was amazing.

My good luck charm.

My jersey's on a farm in Pennsylvania?

My little pumpkin?

My lucky jersey?

My money's on the wolf.

My mouth guard,

My nickname was Fatpants?

My phone number.

My point I made mistakes.

My shift started five minutes ago.

Never mind. Two seconds.

Never will.

New baby, doesn't get a lot of sleep,

Next to your headbands and scrunchies?

Nice

Nice and easy.

Nice stroller.

Nice to meet you too.

Nice. I'll get some glasses.

No no, V Baby.

No body could recover from that.

No flush Tony just moved out last week.

No matter what you can't turn back.

No no no, give me that.

No no no, I'm just

No no, it's not that.

No no. We've just been really

No one was ever that truthful at fat camp.

No phone, no wallet we really had nowhere else to go.

No problem.

No wonder you don't want to eat.

No worries.

No, but maybe I'll get you back.

No, change the baby.

No, don't. I swear to God.

No, I did not!

No, I didn't get that part.

No, I just

No, I just did that. A schedule.

No, I'm good.

No, no, it's not going to be okay!

No, players get traded

No, that sounds a little risky.

No, that's insane.

No, wait, bro.

No, what I have to do is mom up.

No, why? I'm good.

No, you don't understand.

No! I swear, once is enough.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. But you obviously missed the part

No. I'm just saying, getting lots of women to like you is easy.

No. It was Tucker.

No. Mom showed up again.

No. No

Nobody assumes.

None of this stuff is lucky, okay?

Nope. Could be in the break room.

Not a gigantic tool.

Not a thing. So bye bye, now

Not a word.

Not always.

Not cuddling!

Not everything.

Not idiots,

Not if you want my help, I wasn't.

Not me.

Not quite the same ring

Not right. Why would he do that?

Not so much, no.

Not sure how helpful that would be.

Not that we ever left the room.

Not until you go talk to him.

Not using actual words, but...

Nothing I haven't seen before.

Nothing left!

Nothing yet, but she's smart,

Nothing, honey. Just keep

Nothing's final, but why don't you and Riles

Now I'm crying.

Now I'm flipping bottles.

Now in a convenient fun size.

Now shove these down your pants.

Now there was a man

Now where is

Now you're a dad.

Now, look at me.

Of all "I told you so"s

Of birth control.

Of course you can do more.

Of course, the real highlight of the game

Of course.

Of helping his mother with her will...

Of how badly I wanted a little girl.

Of people that had a hard time getting in.

Of the evening, but...

Of what it's like to be married to Ben, huh?

Oh

Oh

Oh

Oh

Oh h, this thing is so cool

Oh hey, princess.

Oh my God, Emma, where are you?

Oh my God, I can't believe you ju

Oh my God, you did not get a girl pregnant again, did you?

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God. No no no. This can't be happening.

Oh no no no!

Oh oh, ah ah ah.

Oh, all right.

Oh, and bring your lovely little barrister with you.

Oh, and congrats on the law school thing.

Oh, and if that hottie in the towel asks,

Oh, and the drain's a little backed up.

Oh, and, Danny?

Oh, Ben, honey.

Oh, Ben, I'm so sorry.

Oh, Benji!

Oh, come on.

Oh, crap! What's he doing here?

Oh, crapballs.

Oh, Danny.

Oh, dear lord. My eyes are watering.

Oh, do you just believe that after all these years we would be here together?

Oh, don't leave now. There's nothing I'd like more than

Oh, don't you mean see if Ben needed any help

Oh, Emma.

Oh, fine. As long as I get to meet you

Oh, for crying out loud, just spit it out.

Oh, g can we not go five minutes

Oh, good.

Oh, hell no!

Oh, hell no!

Oh, hell no.

Oh, hey, Danny.

Oh, hey, Tuck, I've got a blankie

Oh, hey.

Oh, honestly, Riley,

Oh, I can't believe you're eating.

Oh, I know. I'm sorry,

Oh, I made breakfast.

Oh, I miss you, too.

Oh, I think you're doing great.

Oh, I was actually gonna hold on to that.

Oh, I'll get to you.

Oh, I'm definitely marking my food.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. Next time I'll put a sock on the door.

Oh, is my father here?

Oh, it's a date.

Oh, it's Ben.

Oh, it's called hockey, ref!

Oh, it's Vanessa!

Oh, like remembering to wear pants.

Oh, look, Emma. Can you see Uncle Danny?

Oh, look, it's working.

Oh, look.

Oh, man.

Oh, my baby knows me so well.

Oh, my God, taste this.

Oh, my God, you're eating.

Oh, my God, you're obsessed.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Did I leave the iron on?

Oh, my God. That's the one.

Oh, no, honey. These are mine.

Oh, no, there's a baby in my beer nuts.

Oh, nope. Still hate it.

Oh, okay.

Oh, see, that would have been a good idea.

Oh, she is just

Oh, she likes you.

Oh, she's totally conked out. Tucker has it covered.

Oh, terrific.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks for the key, honey.

Oh, there she is.

Oh, there you are, Emma.

Oh, this is gonna be the mother

Oh, this just reminds me

Oh, total lie.

Oh, um...

Oh, we're actually cool.

Oh, well then we've got a lot in common

Oh, well, I better go pull them out of the drain

Oh, well, that's okay.

Oh, well, what are we waiting for? Wake her up.

Oh, what, you couldn't find a stapler?

Oh, which reminds me, I picked this up on my way home.

Oh, wow, you're right. She really is a good hider.

Oh, yeah, it's perfect.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Some of those questions were a little tricky.

Oh, yeah. What was that?

Oh, yes! I just got hit on

Oh, you got it, H.

Oh, you look a little dressed up.

Oh, you're hilarious.

Oh, you're taking a nap.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Come on.

Oh! How I wish I had a me

Oh! Okay. Gotta go.

Oh! Pajamas got to get me some.

Oh! Tongue depressors.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. I gotta go.

Oh. I'm so glad you're all here.

Oh. Oh, right.

Oh. So you're teaching her a lesson

Oh. Well, I think

Oh. You both could.

Oh...

Ohh.

Ointments, lotions, powders or pomades.

Okay

Okay

Okay Wheeler, it's go time.

Okay, and next time I say,

Okay, but let's talk about...

Okay, but Mom's still here.

Okay, but this is the last time.

Okay, come on.

Okay, Emma,

Okay, Emma, hi.

Okay, fine.

Okay, frunkle. Let's see that phone.

Okay, give her kiss. Wave bye bye.

Okay, hang on one second.

Okay, how's this?

Okay, I admit it.

Okay, I said, "what's up?"

Okay, I'd rather not.

Okay, I've got a day shift,

Okay, if I'm late, Vanessa will have my head in a jar.

Okay, let's not go crazy.

Okay, look, you can probably tell

Okay, maybe it's a little true.

Okay, maybe you need that mouth guard,

Okay, so assuming there is a special girl

Okay, so I learned it at fat camp.

Okay, so I think we're officially

Okay, so we met in high school,

Okay, suddenly don't care that dad never let me drive the convertible.

Okay, thanks so much, bye.

Okay, that's not

Okay, three words I never want to hear again,

Okay, wait.

Okay, we're not making a list.

Okay, well, there are quite a few items

Okay, well, this is going nowhere,

Okay, who wants to explain to me

Okay!

Okay?

Okay?

Okay?

Okay? Muddy shoes. Sweaty gym bags.

Okay? You don't need this mouth guard.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Okay. I'll do the shopping.

Okay. It's a lot harder than it looks.

Okay. It's okay.

Okay. So...

Okay. Thanks.

Okay. Uh, we gotta clean up.

Okay. Well, this is something we just learned

On game day.

On her way into the office?

On my eggs?

On my shirt though, did she?

On purpose.

On some kind of schedule though.

On this table here.

Once again, it's going to be up to me

Once Henderson hires me, we'll get a quick but amicable divorce.

Once they're up and running.

One or two things.

One, roll!

One, two, three.

Only if you're lucky.

Only it was me walking out the door with her sister.

Only this time I think

Only yours.

Ooh, somebody could use a bath.

Ooh, sweet ride.

Ooh, thank you, Tucker.

Ooh, wow, Ben.

Ooh!

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh. Are those donuts?

Ooh...

Oops! There it is. I'll be right back.

Or "B" for Ben.

Or as I like to call it,

Or as I like to call them,

Or doodie related,

Or not.

Or perhaps

Or... we could go back in there one more time.

Ouch. Don't know how much clearer that could be.

Out of everything with the word "baby" in it.

Ow! Ow!

Paper covered table.

Penalty Box. I'm gonna go check on him.

People assume.

People who care

Perfect. Can you watch Emma for two seconds?

Permission to approach the bench.

Please don't break, please don't break,

Please don't break.

Please eat.

Please eat.

Please help me.

Please say something.

Please,

Please, guys?

Please, Riley.

Please, you have to help me...

Please? Her name's Chloe.

Please? I think this is the kind of girl

Pretty girls like to hang out together.

Pretty good.

Pretty much right after that.

Pretty much.

Pull my finger.

Put it back.

Quick, cut my Achilles tendon

Raising your child.

Read it. I think you'll be happy.

Ready for a rematch?

Real quick Tucker is breaking up with you.

Really has no boundaries

Really wish you could have come up to Calgary.

Really, 'cause it looked like

Really, Riley?

Really, Riley?

Really?

Really? Again?

Really? Because it looks like you abandoned me

Really? Just your head?

Ri gantor!

Ri Gantor?

Ribbons. Do you keep them

Right? Hey, she didn't spit up

Right.

Riley grew up across the street from us

Riley,

Riley, are you sure this is a good idea?

Riley, can you take Emma?

Riley, Riley, Riley, Riley, please?

Riley, stay strong.

Riley, that's you! Ri gantor!

Riley, that's you! That's your face!

Riley, what am I supposed to do?

Riley! Oh, my

Riley?

Riley?

Riley's in law school now.

Rude! You gotta get over here, now.

Sadly, they have nothing in common.

Safely move on from Ben Wheeler.

Same ears,

Same little sparkly fleck of yellow

Same smile,

Same thing happened with me and my first wife.

Savor it, because that might have been your last ride.

Say good morning to Tucker

Scamming my dad is my favorite pastime.

Second, she wanted me

See, I'm pretty sure

See, sweetie?

See, the trouble with Ben is,

See?

See?

See? That's what I'm talking about.

Send each other fun little texts,

Senior year, who told Jessica Feltshank

Seriously, the best day of my life

Set the basement on fire, I knew it.

She ain't got no teeth.

She already thinks I'm making a huge mistake,

She comes in every Saturday for crab cakes.

She didn't know what else to do.

She doesn't even know what a park is.

She gave me life.

She has none.

She is so going down.

She is so manipulative.

She knows how to put on a neck brace.

She knows more about immigration law than I do.

She moves remarkably fast.

She really is adorable.

She split after a one night stand

She was ginormous. Hey, Riles?

She was nice. Actress.

She was obsessed with this idea

She was one of Ben's more productive one night stands.

She was that little girl at the bar today.

She woke up the baby.

She'd like me to come on over, so

She'll be ready.

She's a professional,

She's better at it.

She's crazy about having a plan.

She's cute

She's educated,

She's good to go.

She's got three boys fawning over her.

She's got to learn that she can't

She's got you.

She's hungry, or thirsty, or tired.

She's like a puppy.

She's out with the guys.

She's putting Emma up for adoption

She's really special.

She's smart, pretty,

She's such a phony.

She's trying to escape.

She's...

Shoot me.

Siccing Mom on tuck, or cruising around with that stroller.

Sit her down and lay out some boundaries, right?

Sleeping area?

Smell so bad?

Smooth move, Fatpants.

So a little change of plans.

So as you can see, we've got this all under control.

So congratulations,

So do you think I should talk to her tonight?

So don't let some old shirt

So exciting!

So how about you show me your resume?

So how did my baby sleep?

So I can be home by 6:00.

So I can have my place back?

So I divorced Larry,

So I hope this free pony keg from the beer guy

So I kind of put two and two together.

So I should stop flirting with Jack?

So I thought you might like to sleep in.

So I wonder who at this bar is?

So I'd like to get a handle on this

So I'm out of here.

So if you have all the info,

So is there a separate...

So it was there all along.

So just so we're clear, you have no issues

So many guys get the wrong idea.

So maybe you can settle this

So now that I've conquered New York,

So obviously you don't know what I mean.

So probably not a good time to ask for another favor.

So that he can get a promotion.

So we're gonna have to make some adjustments.

So we're good?

So when did you first know you were in love with me?

So why are we "in ing"?

So why are you telling me?

So why are you telling me?

So you do understand.

So you want me to lie?

So you won't say anything?

So you'll do it?

So you'll think about it?

So you're

So you're a liar?

So you're saying I should go out with Jack?

So you're saying that this person

So you're telling me you've worked out a plan

So, apparently, I'm a bad mom

So, Captain Action,

So, I sign this and Emma has a new daddy?

So, it looks like it's just gonna be

So, just so we're clear,

So, let's take a look

So, maybe if you could admit

So, Mom, you're here awfully early.

So, oddly, if this hadn't happened,

So, please just make sure she stays

So, the first thing Ben has to do

So, uh, here's something

So, uh, just lock the door

So, uh, let's try something different.

So, um, see you!

So, we're into August now,

So, what'd you think?

So, why don't you sit up

So, you and Riley

So.

So...

So...

So...

Somebody from the adoption agency

Somebody get me a banana and a condom!

Somebody just puked.

Somebody's got to feed her.

Something came up, okay?

Something wrong?

Sorry about that.

Sorry I put your girlfriend

Sorry it didn't work out between you two.

Sorry, but I'm heading down to the rink.

Sorry, little bro.

Sorry, miss, but we're kind of in the middle of a business meeting.

Sorry, um,

Sorry. I think some of my extensions might have come out.

Sounds like an offer we can't refuse, huh, babe?

Spring Break, freshman year.

Stand by.

Stay out of the ladies' room.

Stay there, baby

Stick the tabs down,

Still comes roaring out.

Still working on the door.

Straight to the tough ones.

Stroller confidence.

Sure

Sure. Yes.

Sweet.

Sweetie, do you

Take a step over here?

Take it down a notch, Wheeler. This is my daughter Zoe.

Take your best shot and tell her how you feel.

Taking any of my shampoos, conditioners,

Taking care of his daughter.

Talented athlete.

Taught me how to take my own pulse,

Technically, it's my place.

Tell her the truth.

Tell him.

Than a sleeping baby.

Than your skating is

Thank you so much.

Thank you, counselor.

Thank you, Riley.

Thank you?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for that.

Thanks for the heads up, frunkle.

Thanks, bro.

Thanks, I made her myself.

Thanks, man. See you!

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Riley.

Thanks, Tucker.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That Ben says, because he's crazy.

That Ben's not really into Riley,

That bird was already dead, right?

That boy's got confidence.

That convinced you

That does sound nice.

That girl I hit on her a couple days ago with the stroller.

That girl was crazy.

That gut wrenching,

That he was right about you and wrong about me.

That helps my baby win.

That I should be dating now that I have Emma.

That I signed us up for a "Grandma and Me" class.

That I'm too irresponsible.

That is an amazing idea.

That is great news.

That is not what it means, Ben.

That is one impressive wife you've got there.

That is so...

That is so...

That is the scent of victory.

That is what I call a very successful outing.

That is what let's you know that you're a parent.

That isn't really the kind of guy you like, is it?

That Jennifer Perrin couldn't wait

That maybe you're not exactly

That means she can whenever she wants

That one's a definite yes.

That one's mine.

That puck bounced off your helmet.

That Riley should help you with your estate planning,

That sounds awfully responsible to me.

That sounds nice.

That sweet little angel's future.

That they don't want me around?

That this is my apartment

That was a good trip.

That was amazing!

That was so, so, thoughtful

That we have plans.

That we know of.

That we're not a daycare center.

That woman was mean.

That you don't want me around?

That you have a crush on me.

That you just ended Danny's career

That you like talk about someone else.

That you probably wanted to do with her.

That you were sick in bed when, in fact, you were having

That you weren't always so perfect

That you're being especially hard on Ben lately

That you're smelling.

That's a good question.

That's a really good point,

That's all I needed.

That's disgusting.

That's funny that you don't know him,

That's good to know,

That's Henderson, the owner.

That's not where I keep it

That's not your baby, is it?

That's really all any girl wants to hear.

That's right, Emma.

That's Riley.

That's the first time you've said my name.

That's what you told Danny?

The "I told you so" that always comes with it.

The baby he doesn't want to give up?

The baby's name is Emma.

The best judge of character.

The divorce papers.

The doctor will be right in.

The elephant in the room.

The futon flips out into a bed.

The inside of a dumpster

The iron is already on.

The kind of sacrifice it takes

The kind that makes you want to delete all the other ones.

The left side of the fridge is mine.

The letter says they already have

The most lovely girl

The mother.

The number has to be the same as my jersey

The obligatory small talk portion

The one we should have started

The one where you're a dork, but I marry you anyway?

The one who said the only thing worse

The phone hit the floor

The Riley stamp of approval.

The role model.

The same thing kind of happened

The school therapist said you had to stop calling me that.

The soothing comfort of a warm towelette?

The three of us together,

The truth baby has to tell the truth.

Then get ready to be smacked,

Then it's all sweet, can't wait to see her,

Then maybe you should keep looking.

Then she went all psycho and started kissing me.

Then what are you saying?

Then who did?

Then, you know what? I'd just let it go.

There can't actually be more.

There every week.

There is go home.

There really must be something about you I'm missing.

There will be no asking the mom anything.

There will be other jobs, but there's only one you.

There you go.

There.

There's a baby on my doormat.

There's a manager position open at work.

There's no way he's recovering from that line.

There's not enough football in the world

There's nothing cuter

There's nothing that's gonna stop us

There's really no reason we both need to stay in tonight,

These days I'm shopping in bulk.

They just automatically assume you want to hook up.

They're about to be found.

They're adoption papers.

They're hiding out?

They're so stupid

They've been hitting the books pretty hard lately.

This baby needs a grown up.

This could have been a disaster.

This is exactly why I need to be here.

This is going back.

This is going back.

This is my fun window, people. Don't shut it

This is not my baby

This is the part where I'm supposed to stop you.

This is the reason I won.

This little lady, and me of course,

This plan is not working.

This stroller is amazing.

This will be our truth rattle.

This will never happen again.

Those people who care.

Though I should remind you, complete stranger,

Though it's pretty obvious she's his.

Three hours every other afternoon,

Three months!

Three months.

Thus saving you money and giving her some real world experience?

Tick, tock, Tucker.

Time? How much time?!

To a fun filled evening

To bail you out.

To be a parent.

To be just like you.

To Cassie

To chat with you and your wife.

To erase what just happened.

To every girl on the Lower East Side.

To friends.

To get to know each other a little better,

To give up a decade of silly superstitions

To give you that envelope.

To go through my nightstand and tidy up my protection center.

To knock before you came into my room.

To let me have it.

To make sure he's good enough for you.

To make sure that you never feel that again.

To me and Emma.

To my amazing son

To save the day?

To see her first Booty call.

To see you play in a pro game

To shove your tongue down some stranger's throat.

To watch her for that oh so brief window of time,

To worry about here

To your jersey.

To your own mother.

To your regularly scheduled depravity.

Today's lesson: Always get dressed for work

Toenails on the floor.

Toilet paper and napkins. Right?

Told her what we were like as kids,

Too late now.

Too late. Yesterday, she found time

Transformation.

Traumatic?

Trust me

Truth my friends are idiots

Trying to have a relationship

Tuck a doodle do.

Tuck and I are not watching your kid.

Tuck, Riley. Riley, Tucker.

Tuck.

Tucker, I swear

Tucker, nobody knows

Tucker?

Tucker?

Tucker? How long have you been there?

Tucker?!

Tucker's got laundry again?

Tucker's in the zone.

Tucker's right, bro.

Turn it off!

Turns out the baby part is optional.

Two different girls, two different numbers.

Two questions for you:

Two words

Uh huh.

Uh, did you miss the part in the story

Uh, she's sorry.

Uh, this this weekend?

Uh, this is perfect.

Uh, what's this?

Uh, work. I got a shift.

Uh, you just missed my friend, Jack.

Um...

Um...

Um...

Under the table. Wait,

Unless there's a chance he might fire you

Unless you need a follower.

Until Angela comes back.

Until it's at least four months old

Until now, okay?

Until one day you realize it's not even love any more,

Using bathmats as towels,

Using towels as bathmats,

Vanessa and I were at the movies

Very single Ben.

Views of other bedrooms and bathrooms.

Wait

Wait for it.

Wait wait wait. You get the yogurt shop and the nail salon?

Wait, are you offering me the job?

Wait, I wasn't fat. You were.

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, where are you going?

Wait, why do I have no ketchup

Wait, you couldn't get anyone to cover for you?

Wait? What are we gonna do?

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait. He wasn't holding the baby.

Wait. Where are you going?

Wait. You took out the stroller?

Wait...

Want to maybe, uh,

Was a bad idea?

Was that incredible fight in the stands.

Was when I heard you got traded to the rangers.

Wasn't that cute?

We all know how much you like hotel rooms.

We all make mistakes.

We are not together.

We are pretending to be married

We both need to stay in tonight, right?

We broke up.

We could start tonight over

We didn't learn that in mediation.

We had such a great time together.

We have our guy stuff that we like to do.

We just drove her off the lot.

We just need some space.

We just need to set some boundaries.

We kind of have to be adults.

We make a good team.

We need to get back on the street.

We should talk.

We tied!

We were having a closure issue.

We will do right by that little girl.

We'll just send one of these boys out

We'll never make it through the night

We're back.

We're being immature and selfish

We're having some trouble with the door, it's stuck.

We're never talking about this again.

We're not together.

We're past that, honey, okay?

We're really gonna have to get

We're tough. Look at me.

Well then, you go back there

Well,

Well, actually it's a "Mommy and Me" class,

Well, good for Riley, right?

Well, guess that finally answers the question

Well, he is sitting at home on a Saturday night

Well, Henderson does want to have drinks tonight.

Well, honey, she's a baby.

Well, how about I do the inspection

Well, I am trying to.

Well, I can't tomorrow. I'm having lunch with Jack.

Well, I don't call her my better half for nothing.

Well, I guess the cat's outta the bag.

Well, I had to cry for two of the numbers.

Well, I know it was a little traumatic for you,

Well, I really didn't get to see her

Well, I think he turned out all right.

Well, I would have invited the baby's mother,

Well, I'm a mother. It's a package deal.

Well, I'm gonna tell Henderson

Well, I've got a wall full of ribbons that beg to differ.

Well, if someone hadn't already committed me

Well, if there's anything I can do

Well, let me know when you do.

Well, maybe I'll do it tonight.

Well, maybe it's time for a real relationship.

Well, not all of

Well, not running, but she should be.

Well, now that she has

Well, see, I'm not the only one

Well, she's already got one thing going for her.

Well, since smooth talking bartenders

Well, that depends on who's pushing it.

Well, there's not really that much we can do

Well, uh, so nice to meet you for the first time ever.

Well, until you dig up some information,

Well, until you teach Emma to order in Chinese,

Well, victory smells like

Well, we have a baby now so I mean,

Well, Wheeler this has been an excellent meeting.

Well, you didn't get to be a mom

Well, you only gotta walk in on that

Well, you should have seen her in high school.

Well, you were right.

Well, you're on your own tonight.

Well, you've grown to be a beautiful

Well...

Well...

Went to go live in the country?

What a game, man.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing tomorrow for lunch?

What are you, blind?

What did you ju

What do you say we get out of here?

What do you want, Walker?

What does that mean?

What else you got?

What have you done, woman!

What if Angela never comes back?

What is going on?

What is she doing here?

What is the matter with you?

What is the matter with you?!

What is wrong with me?

What list?

What papers?

What reporter?

What Riley was just

What the hell.

What was that about?

What was that for?

What was what?

What you just had that?

What, me? Right now? Are you sure?

What, you guys see breasts

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? First you throw me out,

What? Here, now? Why do you think that?

What? I don't know.

What? Oh God, no. Could you imagine?

What? Oh, Emma's the only one who can appreciate

What? Okay. I'm on my way. Okay?

What? Why? No, I've never heard of

What?!

What's going on? Is everything okay?

What's gotten into you?

What's she doing here?

What's that about?

What's the big secret between you and Tucker?

What's the matter with you?

What's true?

What's up?

Whatever. Have you seen McNeely?

Whee!

When Ben called and said

When I married your father,

When I was raising you. Oh.

When she came, and I went after her to be like,

When you leave. All right? Bye.

When you oh so graciously offered

Where are you? I hate you.

Where did I go wrong?

Where did it come from?

Where have you guys been?

Where I had to throw out my pants.

Where I'm single and not breastfeeding.

Where is my precious little grandbaby?

Where is she? Where's Angela?

Where she hangs out with the bar snacks.

Where she said she wants to get to know me better?

Where the last baby has been.

Where we don't care.

Where were you guys?

Where's Danny going?

Where's Emma?

Where's Emma?!

Where's my lucky jersey?

Where's the list?

Where's your faith, man.

Whereas I have never missed one.

Which for once isn't me.

Which is good because you never know

Which is what I like to call a threat.

Which is what I should have done in the first place.

Which is why I need you.

Which, if you think about it

While I was getting my nails done?

While strange women flounce in and out?

Who cares what they said?

Who covered for you when Vanessa caught you flirting

Who did?

Who does that?

Who is Angela?

Who left all those brochures under your pillow.

Who made this first game of the *** tonight a memorable one.

Who passed her physical.

Who stopped by to show off their new baby.

Who was clinically allergic to responsibility.

Who you swear you don't like?

Who's excited.

Who's got Emma?

Who's Larry Hoffman?

Who's not like that.

Who's the nozzle talking to Riley?

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoever lands the most numbers,

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo! That's my boy.

Whose name doesn't start with "R" and end with "iley"...

Why can't you just ask your mom

Why do you care if I like Jack?

Why do you keep telling people that?

Why do you think we always have

Why don't you two discuss that while I go on break?

Why I had to hear that I was a grandma

Why is it always up to Tucker

Why not? That's what I told Danny.

Why would I care?

Why would I want to do that?

Why? I mean, everyone knows

Why? What's wrong with the bathroom?

Will be here first thing in the morning.

Will let you know how truly sorry I am.

Will you do me the honor of being my wife?

Wine and cheese? Are you coming on to me?

Wish I could have heard that go down.

With a drinking problem.

With Emma's nurse.

With me throwing myself at Jack?

With my brother?

With that unnaturally enhanced waitress, huh?

With the baby.

Without making a few mistakes, Mrs. Hoffman.

Without talking?

Without that jersey.

Without the sledgehammer.

Without you.

Woo! Is it ever hot out today!

Words every girl just lives to hear.

Work this one out on your own.

Works for most girls.

Would any of those

Wow, so many ways to go with that.

Wow, where'd all that iced tea go?

Wow, your place is really...

Wow!

Wow! It even works by itself.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. Really wish I could hang around,

Wow. Very impressive.

Wow. Wouldn't have pegged her

Wrong! She was shoving her tongue down my throat.

Wrong.

Yay! Whoo!

Yay. Yummy.

Yeah, about that.

Yeah, but I can't talk to her.

Yeah, but I wasn't paying attention.

Yeah, give me the keys. I'm driving

Yeah, hold up there, chip and Dale.

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, I just love being an uncle.

Yeah, I really don't think that's love

Yeah, I was thinking about it.

Yeah, I'm going, too.

Yeah, I'm looking elsewhere.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah, it's when they're awake

Yeah, she's fine.

Yeah, that's what I was doing.

Yeah, they suck you in with their cuteness

Yeah, those five hours just flew by.

Yeah, we heard you.

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Yeah, you really should get used to hearing that.

Yeah, you're such a cute baby.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. The big guy's right.

Yeah. You knocked up some girl

Yeah. You're the relationship magnet, right?

Yeah...

Yep. Life is... ♪ funny. ♪

Yes, I do... Family man.

Yes, my palms are starting to sweat.

Yes, they are.

Yes, they are.

Yes, we do.

Yes! Don't wait up

Yes! I knew it.

Yes.

Yes.

Yet oddly delicious.

Yo.

You you gotta give me a minute.

You agree with me, right?

You already made a copy, didn't you?

You and me, huh?

You are an amazing,

You are the best damn player on this team!

You barely touched the cheese board.

You can be totally honest.

You can be whatever you want to be.

You can call me "W."

You can get a little distracted

You can tell me anything.

You can tell me anything.

You can't begin to understand

You can't cook,

You can't give Mom a key to our apartment.

You can't go.

You can't. She has book club.

You dealt with it,

You did it.

You did talk to her, right?

You did?

You didn't answer on the intake form.

You didn't go "what's up"?

You do?

You don't have to say it.

You don't know me.

You don't know that.

You don't need these laces!

You ever think you want just one phone number?

You gave her a key?

You get out there,

You go. I'm good.

You gonna run from me?

You got a copy of your yearbook around here?

You gotta do what you think is right.

You gotta face that fear.

You gotta get over Ben.

You gotta sign those papers.

You gotta tell her how you feel.

You gotta tell him the truth

You gotta watch your back.

You gotta watch your back.

You guys left

You guys look comfy.

You had a crazy crush on me,

You have a friend named Fatpants?

You have to promise to stop me.

You have to protect me.

You haven't even finished raising yourself.

You just said you were gonna figure it out.

You just say she's asleep

You know I hate that.

You know I hate to say

You know what, Jack? That is a good idea. You should go.

You know what? I don't think I can make it down to Miami.

You know, clear your head

You know, how responsible I am?

You know, I'll I'll buy a jersey,

You know, I'm not Ri gantor anymore.

You know, maybe I'll call

You know, setting up a college savings account.

You know, track isn't a real sport, right?

You know, unless it's me saying it to you.

You know, what, um.

You know, with a real guy who's

You know, you might have

You know, you really can't be too proactive.

You know, you've turned out to be

You know. Here. Here, have some cheese.

You let her leave?

You like Ben.

You like that?

You look amazing.

You look like an eater.

You lost my jersey?

You mean, like telling her

You need to worry about

You never needed that lucky jersey after all

You obviously don't know a lot of family men.

You okay?

You promised you would stop me and you did.

You really do like Ben.

You said, "everything," right?

You sat on my head and gave me

You see what you want and you go for it.

You seem to be getting the hang of this.

You should probably call the agency.

You should really get to know each other.

You should really hire Ben. The kid could use some good news.

You should totally be an actor.

You think?

You up for a little challenge?

You used to wear in high school

You want some now?

You want some?

You were right.

You were so sweet to help me.

You were wearing a blue dress.

You won't even know we're here.

You'd know that's not why she's really here.

You'll find someone even bigger.

You're barely paying your bills...

You're both dead men.

You're family. My place is your place, man.

You're fun, you're personable, a little flirtatious.

You're going?

You're gonna get us kicked out

You're in love with Ben.

You're just not gonna let it go, are you?

You're never gonna get that promotion.

You're not leaving, are you?

You're not supposed to give a baby solid food

You're on your own, bro.

You're overbearing and rude,

You're so cute.

You're so thin now, you should wear a bell.

You're such a good hider.

You're such a great friend.

You're sure this isn't a problem?

You're the glue of my very flimsy lie.

You're thinking about giving up this little girl?

You're welcome, counselor.

You're welcome.

You've got a kid?

You've got my extra long laces

You've got yourself a dream job, kid.

You've seen the line for this shower.

Your brother is such a jerk.

Your cheeseburger,

Your daughter?

Your eyes are.

Your fairy grandmother is here to save you.

Your mom organized your love drawer?

Your mom's about to leave him alone

Your new lady friend is gonna be in the shower?

Your slightly flirtatious barkeep.

Your sons and Emma

Your sons never would have been born.

Your two greatest accomplishments never would have been created.

Yup.

Zoe, this is Ben and his lovely wife Riley.

4th of July fireworks displays

9 am.

10 or 12 times before you learn your lesson.

Aah! How'd it go?

Aah. All kinds of reasons.

Again. Well, I have to be.

All right, let's go, babe. Wait!

All right! I

All right. Make yourself comfortable.

an ice cube tray? That all you got?

and then Tucker comes up That is not what happened!

Are you bowling?

Are you meeting Jack? No. Why?

Aww, that is so sweet. See ya.

Because I'm not. Oh, too bad.

Being a lawyer? No, keeping the weight off.

Bye. So you threw yourself

Call me. Okay.

Can we be done? Oh yeah, sure. We can be done

Come on, Danny! Whoo!

Continue. Exactly. Okay.

Did you spend the night? Oh, don't be silly.

Did you want something? Yeah, I actually wanted to talk about

Double or nothing? You're on.

Emma! Well, if it isn't

Emma? Emma? Baby baby baby.

Fat camp? Told you.

Fluids are flying everywhere.

For real. What do you mean?

Get the bag! Okay. Right.

Go away, Ben. I'm so sorry.

Go go go. Law school, huh? Must be tough with the baby.

Go! Oh my God.

Gonna finish that? Yeah.

Great. Danny? Yeah?

He won't let me

Hey, Benji. Hey.

Hey, didn't you A absolutely not!

Hey, ma. Aah!

Hey, Mom. Hey.

Hey, Tuck, what's going on? I cannot do this, okay?

Hey, Walker. Wheeler.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Oh.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Oh, thank God you're home.

How do you know about Oh, everyone knows.

I get it. No, Mom. That's not what I'm saying.

I go to school with And the man in your bathroom?

I promise. Good man.

I promise. Take this.

I should probably go. You don't even know our mom.

I still don't know where they are. Oh!

I think I can safely say Hi there.

I'll be right back. Oh.

I'm listening. We each take a block.

I've ever met. Oh.

if you could just let me speak Oh, for the love of God,

is a good thing. Huh?

Is something wrong? No, just my mom.

Is that it? What do you think? No.

Jack? The guy I'm seeing.

kickass drum sticks. Yup.

later, right? Most definitely.

Listen, honey

Mm. And we dated for maybe six weeks

Mom! Yeah, I know, I know.

Mom's here. Now?

Nice stroller. Hello...

No no, huh uh. Oh, you didn't?

No, I need this stroller. Relax, my little friend.

No, looks good. No, no, you're great.

No. Did something happen at work?

Not really. Oh, is that Ben?

Now. Again?

Of course. That's right.

Oh my God. Looking for someone?

Oh yeah? Stop it!

Oh, hey, Tuck. Oh, hey.

Oh, man. Come on. I'm telling you, leaving Mom alone

Oh, no, Mom. No. Okay.

Oh, that would be Impossible!

Oh, yeah. Who's the mother?

Oh! Okay.

Oh. Just give me a second.

Okay. I'll call you.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. No, I will hurt you.

out for a drink. Where's Emma?

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Where is he?

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Why did you tell him that?

Ow. Good.

Put this back. What?

Quit smiling. Oh, I don't think

Really? Mrs. Wheeler.

Really? Really.

Riley You are so sweet to come to my rescue.

Riley! Hi.

Riley? You were brilliant!

Roll roll roll. This way, lead with your head.

Roll! Come on, Emma. Roll to daddy

Seriously? Riley, it's not what it looks like.

some of my key moves. Subtle.

still in the package? I'm on it.

Talk to you later. Okay.

Thanks for the pep talk, Mom. Anytime, princess.

Thanks. Don't worry I know a bunch

that I'm one of those guys. My only impression so far

That was awesome. Yeah.

to go pick up some stuff? Oh, no no no no no.

to help that total There might be

to take care of this baby. Yeah.

To wash my hands. Oh, use the kitchen.

Tough break, dad. I hope she likes kids.

Tucker sold your stroller! Oh my God, you tattletale!

Tucker? Mrs. Wheeler?

Wait. Oh, my God.

Want some? Hit me.

We are? You are?

We need to talk

we should be able Oh, here

What dreams? Being single and childless.

What happened? He was never seen again.

Where's the baby? Where's the baby? Emma?

Who? Danny.

Why too bad? Oh, I just thought you guys looked good together.

Why? Oh, no reason.

would you? Uh, me?

Yeah. Bathroom.

Yeah. Thanks

Yes! No!

Yes. No, I'll be good. I promise.

You can't go. Bye.

You know, Mom... Oh.

You sure... No, no, bye bye, now!

You're in charge. Wait.

You're so fast! You're gonna run from me?!

...the mornings are kind of my only time with Emma.

'Cause we're about to head out, right, babe?

"Alone" is in all caps.

"be calling you." Click.

"Call me."

"Don't call me 'cause I so won't

"Hey yo, Vanessa. It's over." Click.

"hey, don't tell your dad."

"Hey, let me help you with that,"

"Hey, Tucker!" He's coming!

"Hi, Ben."

"hot guy problem."

"I told you so," but

"I told you so."

"I'm in love with you"? If this whole hockey thing doesn't work out,

"Riley Wheeler."

"that's so cute

"The Little Red Riding Hood."

♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

♪ can take your life and change directions. ♪

♪ can take your life and change directions. ♪

♪ can take your life and change directions. ♪

♪ Danny, stop talking. ♪

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ it's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

$20 for a diaper, miss. Please? Baby or senior,

♪ can take your life and change direction