Flight of the Conchords - Season 1 Edit

A 16th for you.

A 16th for you.

A 90/10 split. That's ridiculous.

A bit more movement, you're too up and down.

A bit more natural. That's good.

A chip and speaker set that we...

A couple of magicians, and Kathy, Lisa, Tawny and Tracy

A demo of theirs to your brother?

A dick meeting?"

A disastrous mix up.

A great big... great big lark

A guy and a tape?

A guy... a guy saw us

A little band called Flight of the Conchords.

A little bit, eh?

A little bit. Do you?

A little more subtle than framing him for murder,

A little muscley.

A lot of New Zealanders come over here

A lot of things would be nice, Bret,

A painting?

A real lot.

A real rock 'n' roll band.

A rugby tour...

A sword... okay, I probably wouldn't do that one either.

A tiny... sorry, Doug.

A toothbrush fence.

A... a year and half of, you know,

About a dry cleaner.

About getting with some very hot women.

About how I abandoned him when we got mugged.

About one in one.

About your dead parrot, should you?

Absolutely outrageous. What were you thinking?

Absolutely, yeah.

Actually it'd be quite weird in New Zealand as well.

Actually it's just like when Bret and I went out

Actually that's the same night that the Crazy Dogggz have got a big gig.

Actually, Bret, something from your mom.

Actually, Bret, you know what?

Actually, come to think of it,

Actually, definitely yes.

Actually, don't worry about it.

Actually, he, um, neglected to tell me what a hottie you are.

Actually, I'm gonna wait till the bus stops,

Actually, I'm owed

Actually, I've totally lost confidence

Actually, I've... I've got to go too.

Actually, Jemaine, I've had a really good response

Actually, Jemaine, what about that song of Todd's?

Actually, me and her both took a break for a while.

Actually, seriously though, you guys are just

Actually, you know quite a few species of fish

Affirmative.

After six or seven weeks girls find me boring.

After the photo shoot, I was a lot smaller than I thought I was.

Again, just want to say thank you for a delightful evening.

Ah, bad news, guys.

Ah, Jessica. That's her name.

Ah, no, B R E T.

Ah, that's flippin' awesome.

Ah, yeah, it is quite fancy, but it's cheaper than the other place actually.

Ah, yes, Greg,

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Except I just remembered

Ah. Hmm.

Ah. I see.

Ah. Right.

Ah. So? I mean, that's not true.

Ah. Yeah well, anyway,

Ah... Central Park.

Albi wasn't racist anymore.

Alcatraz.

All I want you guys to do is just give him a chance, all right?

All I'm saying, Bret, is it could bring unnecessary tension

All right, bye. Bye.

All right, come on, then.

All right, don't be bulimic;

All right, finally, item two.

All right, first on the agenda:

All right, here you are.

All right, I feel good about this.

All right, I will. Okay.

All right, I've done the research

All right, item one: Any more fans?

All right, just so you fit in. Here's a hat.

All right, let's get started, shall we?

All right, let's get started.

All right, let's just move on. Item two:

All right, let's move on.

All right, look. Time out there, all right?

All right, question mark on that one.

All right, second annual fan club meeting.

All right, so there's mine, Murray.

All right, take one of those each.

All right, that's everything.

All right, there they are.

All right, there's only two of you.

All right, uh...

All right, we'll only be five minutes, all right?

All right, well done. It's not about talent, as I say.

All right, well he's having a sleep.

All right, well, I've got... this is what I've got so far.

All right, yeah, you better do it.

All right, you're right. Let's get it perfect.

All right?

All right? "Men's Suits."

All right? Actually, next time you see Mel,

All right? All right, bye bye.

All right? And I've put you down as "absent"

All right? And Quincy Jones,

All right? Come on.

All right? Girlfriends and music just don't mix very well.

All right? He's a psycho killer.

All right? I'm dealing with the business side of things.

All right? Just stop jumping the gun.

All right? Now item three...

All right? The video library... that's fine.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Item three.

All right. That's what we're trying to do is become popular.

All the colors of the rainbow.

All you guys'll do, you'll put your guitars and bass down

Already I'm getting a feel for this guy.

Am I right?

Am I right? Damn.

And "The Dog Show" takes a break next week...

And a lot of it too, if we can work together.

And a story to go with each of 'em.

And action!

And after a while it kind of made sense.

And all the other dogs sort of respect you.

And also present, Coco.

And at that, Albi cried a single tear

And besides, I was thinking

And birds.

And blows it away? You ever think of that,

And both of you... I'm not giving you a lift home.

And do 200 squat thrusts?

And doesn't climax, that she can really damage herself?

And dries them in the microwave.

And each person deserves to be treated like a person.

And emotionally.

And everyone thinks property is the way to go.

And everyone's just loving it.

And finally, Bret, you drive my Honda into the pool!

And folks, please, I'm sorry about the particles.

And give me those offensive hand gestures at my fruit stand?

And good news anyway. The Trade and Migrant Expo, it's been okayed.

And having said that, no one likes an abandoner either, Bret.

And he didn't turn up. He texted me,

And he helped you when you got your head stuck in the chair.

And he is like this...

And he might have to move into his office

And he paid for it himself.

And he turned around and who should it be

And he was very excited by this idea.

And he's going straight to the big house...

And he's misinterpreting his feelings about being left out of the friendship

And I didn't know what... no. No.

And I give them the vest, a map, and I tell them

And I got athlete's foot.

And I got this from my mom.

And I got what I wanted.

And I guess it's the very strongest adhesive.

And I had another one where I was a...

And I just had to have him.

And I just want to say thank you on behalf of Jemaine and myself...

And I just...

And I know your policy on sexual relations with fans, Bret.

And I remember when they first came into my office...

And I see it in you guys.

And I think I ended up talking to Felicia,

And I was like, "Excuse me, but I don't think

And I will no longer be residing...

And I... I said it wouldn't be weird, but it is a bit weird.

And I... I saw fish make love.

And I'll be complete.

And I'll just play bass, huh?

And I'm trying to point you out.

And I've just carried on with the meeting.

And I've put red pen. Look for the red pen instructions.

And if we go up there he'll be, oh...

And if you accessorize with these belts...

And in other areas, also yes.

And Jemaine could play along.

And Jemaine, Planet Jemaine.

And Jemaine, you're on the other side of the nebula there.

And just carry it to a gig.

And just keep Jemaine and the tape.

And just tell him to keep on trying.

And left you with guys with a knife?

And Lisa and Tawny and Tracy... what was it?

And look at this.

And make some cake or something.

And me, just don't blow this one, I guess.

And mine's Murrayland.

And Murray Hewitt Productions is terminated.

And Murray, present. Okay.

And Murray... present.

And my axe.

And my bow.

And my career and everything, you know?

And no, they're not... it's nothing to do with them, okay?

And now I just hang around here.

And now it's time for everyone's favorite dragon, "Albi."

And now there's three of you in a band.

And people from New Zealand.

And pretend you work for a big record label

And ransom him and... yeah.

And repeat myself, but...

And see how he takes it!" Is it?

And she'll just reply in a couple of minutes.

And so it begins.

And so knowledgeable.

And so now we... we've done some business already.

And so you could put those in the newsletter.

And so, all of the villagers chased Albi the Racist Dragon

And some awesome rotundas when you were on all those dates.

And suddenly,

And suddenly, yeah, they everywhere...

And thank you again.

And thank you just for being here...

And that includes a certificate.

And that is just one of the reasons why I'm moving out.

And that you're clearly still in love with Sally,

And that's some really weird kind of wolf.

And that's... it's simple. It's... it's nice.

And the Australians, as always, have got their stall

And the beginnings of a black hole.

And the broccoli was really nice as well.

And the guy told us to leave,

And the more I think about it, the more I like it.

And the most important thing for me to say is that...

And the music's gonna be pumping.

And the point of a per diem, as I think I made quite clear,

And then after that, they're like, "Hey, will you marry us?"

And then come back to the library, help you guys out,

And then I dropped my wallet, there was some confusion

And then I walked into a door.

And then I'll get off.

And then I'm gonna do some light reading.

And then I've put notes about her.

And then just going, "Bret, help me, help me. I'm stuck on the fence."

And then probably to and fro between the library and the stadium.

And then that was going very well

And then they had a do we have a beard or not situation.

And then they would do each other.

And then we broke up and now he's my fiancÈ.

And then we'd... we'd be down, wouldn't we? The whole thing would be a waste.

And then what did you do?

And then, I guess you could say its second function

And then, um,

And then, you know... boring.

And there's a lot of "prejudism" here,

And these are the safety reflective belts. All right, they light up.

And they come into my office,

And they said they're keen. We want the stereo, so...

And they say "Oh, hang on, that guy's in the band, isn't he?

And they walked in and they announced,

And they want us to be part of their magic cards.

And they'll reply to you.

And this is it. We've passed the point,

And this is... tech support advisor.

And this one here you're in,

And this would be the way to go, huh, guys? Just...

And wants to book us.

And we are firm on that, okay? That's our final offer.

And we could put something together.

And we just put it right inside the back of the card.

And we're going to pay you 1¢ per card.

And we're like, "Where's the car?"

And what about Eugene?

And when I met you at that party, I was drunk.

And why are you angry with him?

And with one letter difference,

And you can get online and e mail the guys

And you have to make sure

And you just go, "Arf arf!"

And you organized the soup. That's good management.

And you put "Dog" on the end of it

And you said you got a hickey from Judy Bailey,

And you'll know exactly when the time is right.

And you'll know exactly when the time is right.

And you've got to tell Todd he's not in the band.

And, he... I had bought the tickets,

And, Jemaine, he's the ladies' man.

And, uh...

And... action!

And... it was a lovely evening.

And... you know.

Angel food cake!

Another awkward situation.

Any band opportunities?

Any new business from any of us?

Any... any news? Jemaine, have you got any?

Anything. I promise I won't think you're a pervert.

Anytime.

Anyway, don't let me bore you with my knowledge of New Zealand.

Anyway, I met A.J. Jones.

Anyway, I thought you said Sally was shallow.

Anyway, I'm having this thing,

Anyway, they grew big beards,

Apparently, it's worth more that way so...

Apparently, they're rewritable.

Appear in our greeting card, so...

Are they printing half a million cards?

Are too deep set to be classically handsome.

Are we gonna watch a DVD or what?

Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?

Are you busy?

Are you crazy? What, the bongos and the keytar?

Are you crying over the kids' show?

Are you gonna come up for dinner?

Are you gonna start another band?

Are you guys fucking with me?

Are you guys in a band?

Are you okay? Are your feelings hurt?

Are you okay? Do you need any help with...

Are you picking on Bret again, Jemaine?

Are you serious?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you trying to get back together with Sally?

Are your immigration papers up to date?

Are... are you finished with that?

Aren't really up for the roll call anymore.

Arf, arf!

Around, and up.

As delicious as the eggs.

As much as you thought I loved it.

As soon as I get to Hollywood.

As... as you are, okay?

At a very posh nightclub, for the wrap party.

At least I didn't kill a monkey.

At Stefan's professional credentials.

Aw.

Aw. Never mind, eh?

Aw. You ruined the reception.

B 10.

Back in the band!

Back in the band!

Back in the band!

Back in the band.

Bad. Bad.

Bad. We're in the middle of a race war.

Banana balls!

Band investment portfolio.

Band meeting, Jemaine.

Band meetings. Come on.

Band photos.

Band uniforms.

Bands don't put their arms in the air and smile.

Banging some tunes,

Basically, CD sales are going okay,

Be more subtle about it.

Be polite.

Be that as it may, Jemaine,

Because I asked him not to come on our dates

Because I can't really see what I'm doing when I've got it on.

Because I mean that's about how long it takes to get to know someone.

Because I put you down in front of other people?

Because I'm also in the CD single manufacturing business.

Because I've been offered a threesome.

Because I've got a crazy idea. It could be big.

Because if you say, "Oh, the fan will be there,"

Because it seems to me that maybe...

Because Lisa kind of like insisted that I be her wingman.

Because many of you are very talented, all right?

Because my man Mickey here wants a cigarette,

Because my roommate is sleeping.

Because she and I used to go out.

Because there were no gigs, man.

Because they took your camera phone?

Because tomorrow, Bret, I ship out to Iraq.

Because you can't be a fan of the band.

Because you're playing the same songs, okay?

Because you're the one holding us back.

Because you're... try and make it less cool.

Because, you Scottish freak,

Because... because we're different to them.

Becky thought you guys were probably just

Before I peel your beard off!

Being a little bit bulimic.

Being in jail just makes you seem so sexy.

Being kind of a jerk.

Ben. He...

Besides, I'm... I'm happy down here.

Between him, me, Peter Jackson,

Between, you know, gazebos and band shells.

Bigger and better things.

Bird.

Bitch.

Blew the Aussies right out of the water. The tape was great.

Bloody showoffs.

Bonjour, lay ho, salaam, nabadeey,

Both... we both missed you.

Boundaries, you know,

Bret Bret?

Bret kicked out... question mark."

Bret says just give this to you.

Bret says, "Just tell him to look in it."

Bret upset. All sorted now.

Bret went out with her. She broke your heart and yours as well.

Bret, Bret, uncross your legs.

Bret, Bret?

Bret, come on, let's go.

Bret, do you think it should be, "Shake their booties, yeah,"

Bret, do you think maybe...

Bret, do you want to have a threesome?

Bret, do you, uh, do you like penguins?

Bret, don't worry about Sally, all right?

Bret, don't worry about Sally.

Bret, don't you dare. Not in my office.

Bret, get out. What are you doing here?

Bret, how long do you wait until you let a girl come upstairs?

Bret, how you doing?

Bret, I know what you did. Mmm?

Bret, I know you don't like it, but we need it...

Bret, I know...

Bret, I might not be able to have a baby.

Bret, I'm gonna give you something a little harder.

Bret, I'm kind of doing all the work in this conversation.

Bret, I'm moving out.

Bret, I've had this organized for ages.

Bret, is that you?

Bret, it's 7:00. I've been practicing for four hours.

Bret, no! I bought the CDs, didn't I?

Bret, see if you can get that cork back in that bottle, will you?

Bret, the corduroy's caught on the fence, Bret.

Bret, what are you doing?

Bret, what on earth was that?

Bret, you were talking about it last week.

Bret, you're pathetic, man. We don't need a roadie, okay?

Bret, yours is up here.

Bret!

Bret!

Bret!

Bret! Hey, Bret, can I have a quick word with you?

Bret?

Bret?

Bret? Bret?

Bret? Bret?

Bret? Bret?

Bret? Bretty?

Bret.

Bret.

Bret.

Bret.

Bret...

Bret... Bret was saying that it was going to be weird with him here

Bret's not ready for it.

Bret's pretty compact, though.

Brettie, aye, ohh yes!

Brilliant. I can't say it enough.

Brit like... like Brittany?

Brought you a cup of tea, man.

Bump into people,

Bungee jumping. You like bungee jumping, sir?

But a little slower than I would have liked.

But also because of the thing with the light.

But also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.

But also sexy.

But could you guys, like, move away?

But do you know about the ghetto?

But get it wet and it snugs up, it'll shrink...

But I can carry you, Mr. Frodo.

But I can't really put my emotions into... into words.

But I could just bypass it

But I did the business underneath an overpass,

But I gotta go. I got yoga in the morning.

But I just broke through their false barriers.

But I just feel like I should say something

But I know a good percentage when I see one.

But I sent the demo.

But I think in the future I won't put you all on the same night

But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out...

But I was fired.

But I was left very badly disfigured...

But I was thinking maybe her and I like...

But I will send you the money

But I would have liked to have gotten a few more out than that.

But I, uh, wasn't invited.

But I'm all good now.

But I'm just concentrating on signs

But I'm just not quick enough on my feet.

But I've had to circle where you two are.

But if you're trying to break my heart...

But in America, if you want to spend some time with the ladies,

But it is a central park.

But it is.

But it was great... seeing you guys again.

But it was you.

But it's got a photo of Bret superimposed over the head.

But it's just everybody kind of knows that.

But it's not about talent.

But it's not my solo. It's the band name.

But it's really good. Oh, before I forget.

But let's just say this time around, it is.

But look, I got you this.

But look, it's just temporary, all right?

But lunch boxes...

But more obvious

But she works in the croissant shop.

But she's really hot.

But thanks again for trying...

But that's as close as we could get the three that were available, but...

But that's good to know.

But the badly burned Albanian boy

But the point is, going out with your best friend's ex girlfriend

But then I touched her.

But then I turned you round, didn't I? With my managing.

But then you've got to go home.

But then, "Ugh, who... who turned on the light?"

But there's been a couple of times where you haven't been here.

But they want to know which ones are you,

But this year, with you guys playing,

But to be fair to Bret, John, you were one of those hoodlums

But unfortunately I've gotta go 'cause I've got a doctor's appointment.

But we're here now. We're here, down the track.

But we've got 50¢, so how much are your coffees?

But what about if we put the two bands together

But what about your hands in the air and smile?

But with my face.

But women love that film.

But yeah, they're still getting out there, aren't they?

But you can just call me Jemaine if you want.

But you can't be in the band anymore."

But you do look very similar.

But you know those ones that open up and they have a tune in them?

But you said Central Park, New York.

But you said Murray wouldn't let us.

But you said you love me and?

But you shouldn't be.

But you weren't doing anything, so I thought...

But you weren't, so sorry.

But you're our best friend.

But you've got to try honesty.

But, anyways, it's... I gotta...

But, then again,

But, um, not every song

But, you know, no one gets on.

But...

But... but you guys should go.

Buying the leather suits, getting the mixed nuts,

By getting another job, like I do with this job.

By the way, how is Coco?

By the way, John, call it off."

Bye, Bret.

Bye, guys.

Call here with the Secretary of State.

Call me when you get your own place, Jemaine.

Called "She wolf."

Calm down, Jemaine!

Can I borrow it for a bit?

Can I have a look in the camera, Murray?

Can I have one?

Can I have some of the chips that you said Bret could have?

Can I have the music down, please, DJ? Please?

Can I help you, Murray?

Can I just say it's good to have a lady's touch in the office?

Can I please have a look at the lyrics?

Can I tell you my honest opinion?

Can we have a private band meeting, please?

Can we still stay in touch?

Can we try a song that I wrote real quick?

Can we?

Can you ask him back in the band?

Can you go boil this in disinfectant?

Can you move away, please?

Can you show me how to do that?

Can you tell them I'll ring them straight back?

Can you... can you believe that he would just abandon me like that?

Can... can I come up for some tea?

Can't be called Flight of the Conchords, that's our name.

Can't believe what you did, man.

Cassette... to get his haircut?

Channel 1... New Zealand's 1.

Characters?

Chased me into this scary cave.

Check my schedules, it's equal.

Check one two. Checking one two, one...

Check this out.

Check.

Cheer up, Bret.

Cheer up, Greg.

Cheer up.

Cheers, good times.

Chicks are attracted to Ionely guys.

Chin up, Jemaine.

Claire Fitzpatrick... the list goes on.

Classic Robert Moses design.

Classic.

Coco said that the other night when I went to the bathroom

Coco, sit down. Let's resolve this.

Coco, this is Bret. All right, everybody,

Coco.

Come down and touch it, Jemaine!

Come in.

Come on up.

Come on, band meeting.

Come on, Bret, you're moping.

Come on, come up and stand up here.

Come on, I want to come out there.

Come on, it'll only take five minutes.

Come on, it's time for the gig. Let's go.

Come on, listen. Look, shake hands.

Come on, man, I can't go in there by myself.

Come on, man, you got to get out of here.

Come on, please.

Come on, Todd, we're having a private band meeting.

Come on, we've got a gig. We've got a gig to get to.

Come on, what? Is that what you want?

Come on, you tell me what you got up to.

Come on.

Come to dinner with us tonight.

Come to New Zealand. Beautiful scenery.

Coming up tonight at 8:00

Conchord CDs.

Congratulations on the prize.

Congratulations, man. That's awesome.

Considering she's offered and it's her place?

Cool, yeah.

Cool.

Could be big news he was getting into.

Could have totally killed you.

Could I go home now?

Could I have some of your chips please, Murray?

Could I just... could I just sleep next to you?

Could you guys leave, please?

Could you guys please leave?

Could you please get out of here? I'm having a shower.

Could you swap it for Tuesday night or...

Could you... how much longer are you gonna be?

Could... could you do it in your normal voice, maybe?

Cover your eyes!

Creaming a bit off of the top of the band income and investing it.

Crikey! Wha!

Croatians, even the Indians.

Damn.

Dave, we need to borrow some of your cool clothes.

David Bowie told me to do it in a dream.

Dawg.

Dear Jemaine, by the time you read this,

Debbie Harry."

Definitely no sugar.

Definitely not.

Depending on demand, we might make as many as...

Descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.

Did she hit you?

Did they get him out or?

Did we mention that we really can't pay you...

Did you buy some sawdust as well?

Did you hear that, Doug?

Did you miss me?

Did you walk on the outside of her?

Did you want to buy sawdust, though?

Didn't end up going to Iraq.

Didn't I tell you guys?

Didn't you break up and then get back together for a while?

Different start to the song.

Ding.

Dinners, you know?

Do it! No, don't, don't.

Do not call me at work, all right?

Do they, Gandalf?

Do we have any gigs, Murray?

Do we have any gigs, Murray?

Do we want to do deals with people

Do we? Pfft.

Do you feel like a sparkling water?

Do you guys have water polo in New Zealand?

Do you guys need to borrow my amp?

Do you have any money for a bus?

Do you have any other advice for me?

Do you have the new Gipsy Kings cassette?

Do you know what that would be?

Do you like having nice conversations?

Do you like it? I chose it.

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

Do you miss Bret?

Do you need someone to carry your guitar, Jemaine?

Do you not have a computer, or...

Do you remember the time that seagull...

Do you think I dress too provocatively?

Do you think it would be okay if Sally and I

Do you think my facial features are too deep set

Do you think that looks like Sally's eyes?

Do you think they might be looking at me?

Do you wanna... you could stay over if... if you want?

Do you want a printed out budget?

Do you want anything from the minibar?

Do you want to come and get a slice of pizza or something?

Do you want to get Coco?

Do you want to give it a shot?

Do you want to join the band?

Do... do you want to go for a walk?

Do... do you want to kiss me?

Does he have to stay here still?

Does she like, you know, staying in bed a lot?

Does this mean I'm not in a band anymore?

Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me?

Doesn't happen very often.

Doing their bikini barbeque thing

Don't be scared of the sand... the dirt on your feet, Bret.

Don't be such a flamin' bloody drongo!

Don't breathe 'em in. We don't know what they are.

Don't give it to me, I'm not gonna wear it.

Don't mention that you saw me here.

Don't poot me in there weeth him.

Don't stand next to any big magnets.

Don't tell anybody about that, okay?

Don't tell me to shut up in front of people.

Don't they? They kick the ball, you kick the... jams.

Don't turn around and see

Don't worry about it, Jemaine. Here's to Flight of the Conchords!

Don't worry about it. I'm gonna go to bed.

Don't you think? I mean, what am I doing?

Don't... don't do your embarrassing speeches.

Don't... don't forget to get me my, uh, banana.

Don't... don't... do you care about me at all?

Drinks, jet boats, caviar, everything.

Dude, you gotta... you... you... this is it.

Dude, you think I live with my parents?

During this whole tour... tour, Doug?

Eh, call me A.J., man.

Eh, yeah.

Eh?

Either like Swedish or Korean in my shop.

Empty your pockets, let's go.

Enjoy the party tonight. I manage the band.

Enjoy your date, Bret, and your pretend date, Jemaine.

Enrico Fermi?

Erotically caressing each other on the...

Especially towards people like you.

Even better than yesterday. You could see all the details

Even though I'm gonna disrespect you."

Ever seen.

Every day."

Every time I come to your shows.

Everybody knows you manage a band during office hours, Murray.

Everyone has 'em around here. It's a business thing.

Everything would just be perfect.

Everything. Watch this.

Exactly, thanks. It'll just help him

Exactly.