Two and a Half Men - Season 1 Edit

A bit of a bumper sticker, but sure, why not?

A couple of things have changed, I can bring you up to date.

A full time job, custody battles, alimony battles,

A gay woman would not fake orgasms for 12 years just to protect my feelings.

A little help here?

A little tipsy? How about a little obvious?

A month?

A pre packaged and nutritious breakfast. And what's in that breakfast?

A successful chiropractor, intelligent, dedicated.

A woman who would do such a thing cannot be trusted.

Afraid not.

After she works here in the morning, she cleans some rock star's house.

Again, thank you.

Agreed.

Alan, check it out. I got this amazing power.

Alan, chill.

Alan, come here.

Alan, he asked me out.

Alan, I can't go to a soccer game. I just got home from Vegas.

Alan, I kissed you out of fear.

Alan, it's Davy Crockett at the Alamo.

Alan, it's no big deal.

Alan, Jake won't play with me.

Alan, Rose is using you to get to me.

Alan, that's not my date.

Alan, this goes beyond coffee.

Alan, wait.

Alan, wait.

Alan, would you mind driving me home?

Alan, you do understand she works for tips?

Alan, you were right. We have to move on.

Alan, you've been making the same mistake your whole life.

Alan, your kid's confused enough about you and his mother. Don't make it worse.

Alan, your wife threw you out.

Alan?

All aboard for Henry Ford

All by yourself? That's so sad.

All clear.

All I'm saying is, is that Judith has moved on with her life,

All our sprays are safety tested

All right, keep your knees bent.

All right, so you won't come back.

All right, then. You try and make her happy.

All right, well, nowadays, women pay for dinner.

All right, you had sex last night. You don't have to turn into Mr. Bojangles.

All right!

All right. I guess I'll see you around.

All right. I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry,

All the way over to the other side of the room.

All this energy for me and you

All this wallowing in the past is causing other people to suffer.

All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it's okay.

Already? But we're playing.

Am I lying?

An eagle on the 18th.

And a full bodied redhead from Napa Valley.

And a large cherry slurpy.

And a little more...

And again, I'm sorry.

And another thing. Were you on the deck feeding the seagulls again?

And as God as my witness,

And bring some dog treats, in case the rottweilers are out.

And by that I mean not in a fun way.

And did you mean that I only dated two women including Judith?

And disturbing.

And doesn't mind if you sleep around.

And finally, and this is a biggie, folks.

And find a way to work together out of a mutual love for Charlie?

And he plays the clarinet.

And he's unbelievably dumb. Squidward lives there, too.

And I appreciate it.

And I can see you, too.

And I clean rich peoples' toilets for a living.

And I designed a logo,

And I don't have time to mess around with you.

And I found his phone number in my pocket.

And I had a uniform.

And I have to give her a lower back adjustment twice a week.

And I kind of implied that Miss Tuttle was a bit of a freak.

And I think I should start dressing in such a way as to play that card.

And I think it might have something to do with my relationship with my mom.

And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.

And I'll put that in the newsletter.

And I'm afraid to move on, so I keep coming.

And I'm not just talking about the clothes.

And I've come to realize that's my own paranoia about women

And if you want, I can go pick up lunch and bring it back and we can have a picnic.

And it's diabolical in its Machiavellian scope.

And it's not gonna work with your wife.

And maybe it's time for you to do the same.

And my piano smells like lemons.

And no one cares what I want.

And of course, sex is a given.

And remember what I said. Hook him on the milk, he'll buy the cow.

And she asked me to baby sit.

And she insisted on limboing under it.

And she still counts on me to do a few chores.

And she stood up and said, "Life was too short. "

And somehow become my fault.

And sometimes a curse.

And Steven Tyler thinks I'm doing her.

And take my grandson out for pancakes.

And the flower beds are getting flooded, and I love her and I want her back.

And the Industrial Revolution.

And the whole world gives them a free ride just because they're cute.

And then dumping me like a bag of old doorknobs?

And then I'll do the same for you.

And then we started talking, and, you know.

And then..

And told him where the money was hidden.

And was it as boring as it sounds?

And we both can't have me.

And we'll go stupid clothes shopping.

And we're all going to die.

And whoops! There's another pubic hair

And you couldn't get them out of your head.

And you know, I'll tell you another thing.

And you're not supposed to be watching anything.

And you're not supposed to be watching TV.

And your mother, she's been calling me all week.

And, I don't know, I guess, I just didn't want to take it off.

And, on a related subject, the peanut butter stains

Andy.

Andy's a real guy. I didn't make him up.

Anger, grief, denial.

Annette.

Anyone? Anyone at all?

Anything for the kids.

Anything for the kids. They're our future.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what Judith is.

Appreciate it.

Are you crying?

Are you gonna put him on the market or just wall him off?

Are you happy? I told you to put it down, Ernie.

Are you kidding? I want to hear more about that sonogram.

Are you kidding? I want to hear more about that sonogram.

Are you saying we should see other people?

Are you seeing this?

Are you sure that you don't want me to stay and do the dishes?

Are you sure? 'Cause I think Phil's gonna get one.

Are you sure? Check under the bed.

Aren't there any gay kids here?

Aren't you a good sport?

Aren't you even curious?

As the gallery waits breathlessly for the rookie to respond.

As urbanization led to stress and loneliness, industrial society looked

At 8:00 am, I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom.

At least keep in mind that all these women talk to each other.

At least your wife had the guts to try something new.

Be honest, Alan. You married the first girl

Because he just likes being a fry cook and making Krabby...

Because he knows you won't follow through.

Because if you did, I have two words for you.

Because this is the top floor. There's no more clothes above this floor.

Because we get all kinds of bugs and crap flying in the house.

Been there.

Before the Industrial Revolution, we lived in an agrarian society.

Being so nice and friendly to my face.

Being the good boy, fixing everything so everybody would love you.

Berta, I can't find my...

Berta, if you're going to do a guy in the laundry room,

Berta? I hate to bring this up again, but you just...

Berta's been with me forever. She does everything.

Berta's tasted, I don't know, Christmassy.

Both Squidward and Sponge Bob work at the Crusty Krab for Mr. Krab,

Boy, you really don't have a clue, do you, Charlie?

Boy, you suck.

Breakfast.

Buddy, I feel for you.

Buddy, she wants something different in a relationship

But as punishment for letting seagulls in my house,

But he still loves her, right?

But I am single.

But I can handle that, too. And look,

But I can.

But I like that you know it.

But I promise not to keep score.

But I said, he promised. So he was wrong.

But I thought that after last weekend, it was pretty clear,

But I wouldn't recommend that for an amateur.

But I'm beginning to realize

But I'm officially resigning as the Mayor of Booger Town.

But I'm sure they'll leave as soon as they get hungry.

But it seems to be working for me.

But it was for a good cause. The kids really need you.

But my bike's still broken. I think you made it worse.

But my piano needs to smell...

But see, I'm not looking for a relationship right now.

But since you obviously can't live without her,

But that's another way to go.

But trying to take the blood yourself is a little strong.

But we don't match up with any other socks.

But we've got a rehearsal at Jake's school.

But who you are couldn't get laid underwater with a tank full of oxygen.

But who's going to take care of me?

But why file for divorce? We were getting along so well.

But you and me, we're family.

But you don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.

But you gotta be sad about your folks, though, right?

But you know what? You know what? I'm through

But you need to make sure he's dressed and ready to go.

But, yeah. It's a shame.

But, you know, with a cute ass.

But...

By my sexual...

By the way, we were so sorry to hear about her and Alan.

By the way, what are you doing with Jake tomorrow?

By the way, your nose is adorable.

Bye bye now. Good luck,

Bye.

Can I stay here next to you where it's safe?

Can take it.

Can't slip one past you, can I?

Careful what you wish for, pal.

Charlie Harper.

Charlie wants his on his night table.

Charlie, I have a 10 year old son.

Charlie, I have a confession.

Charlie, I've gotta go to my office for a couple of hours.

Charlie, it's only been a week.

Charlie, she kissed me.

Charlie, there's French toast left.

Charlie, we are trying to teach the kids not to keep score.

Charlie, we're gonna be late for rehearsal.

Charlie, where have you been hiding this girl?

Charlie, you asleep?

Charlie, you cannot use my son to pick up single mothers.

Charlie, you want to field that one?

Charlie, you're taking liquor to Jake's school?

Charlie? Honey, wake up.

Charlie's angels.

Charlie's busy right now, Rose.

Child support battles, car pools and drum lessons.

Christmassy?

Co ed bathrooms, co ed bathrooms

Coach Phil made me first string on the soccer team.

Come granny's big fudge nuggets

Come here, you big silly.

Come here.

Come on, can't we put aside our petty differences

Come on, let it go.

Come on, Wendy. We both know that..

Come on, who else around here drinks "Transylvania Goofy Juice"?

Come on. Somebody always loses.

Come on. You'll write the music and lyrics.

Coming out of your mouth?

Cool.

Copasetic. That means okay.

Could you show us some shoes that will go with this?

Curvature of the spine.

Dad said you'd never get up to go to soccer with me.

Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.

Dave, this is Charlie. Charlie, Dave.

Dave, we need a Duraflame log.

Depends on what side of the door you were on.

Diabolical!

Did Judith leave your brother for another woman?

Did you know there's a crawl space under the house

Did you see that?

Did you see this drawing our son made?

Do it tonight.

Do you hear the rampant egotism,

Do you know I have, on occasion, actually put his needs ahead of my own?

Do you know what that means?

Do you really want me to tell a 10 year old boy

Do you really want to be involved in this?

Do you remember that show that you and I did in college?

Do you?

Does Coach Phil sing for no reason?

Does this mean you don't have nuts like a fox?

Don't be silly.

Don't be silly. Do you know how fast you'd have to be going to...

Don't be silly. He's just a little upset about the 30, 40

Don't be silly. It's what I do.

Don't blame me. I tried to make it work.

Don't change the subject. You know what I'm saying.

Don't go there, Charlie.

Don't leave me, Berta.

Don't look at my tiles, Alan.

Don't push me.

Don't put your juice box on the piano, it leaves a ring.

Don't worry, he'll come around.

Don't worry, I have a plan.

Don't worry. I'm sure there'll be a gay guy in the shoe department.

Don't you get it?

Don't you look handsome?

Don't you want to see my model of a California mission?

Don't you worry, Charlie, I'm leaving.

Dress, don't dress. Wash, don't wash.

Dude, this isn't the same thing.

E mail me. Allaboardgloria @aol. com.

Either that or sell the house.

Electric, atomic, solar, too

Ernie loves the beach. Thanks for inviting him.

Ernie, for God's sake, you're killing me here.

Ernie, I am not gonna say it again.

Ernie, keep your socks with your shoes.

Ernie, put it down or we're leaving right now.

Et cetera.

Even better. Sherman Oaks.

Even with the advent of indoor plumbing,

Everybody has you at goldenrod.

Everybody loves an aviary.

Everybody out. Watch your heads. One at a time.

Everybody warned me not to go out with you.

Exactly

Exactly.

Except if my Dad moves back to Mom's house,

Excuse me, didn't I ask you to fold the laundry?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me? Berta quit at 9:00.

Explain to him that Wendy was working an angle,

Face it, Alan, you've been an old fart since you were 14.

Fans are coming out of the gallery with sacks of groceries

Filled with spiders, flies, and gnats

Fine, but if you're not gonna come,

Fine.

Fine. I forgive him.

Fine. I'll get an unscented polish.

Finish your jingle?

First she sucks in Jake, then you, now Mom.

First your mission, then mine.

First, Wendy took Jake Rollerblading. Then she took him to the movies

For God's sake, Charlie!

Forget about him. Come on, I'm going to take you to dinner.

Forget about the chain.

Forget him. His brother's the one who's in play.

Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.

Forget it. I'll just read my paper.

Fractions.

Freedom!

From his mother's house to Malibu.

From the magic chocolate mountain

Gee, I'd have to say, finding out you live just two doors down.

Gee, I'm sorry, Charlie. But they don't make chocolate Pledge.

Gee, Mom, I think Wendy has stuff to do. Right, Wendy?

Get in the shower.

Get the sand off of it. No. Don't touch it.

Get your jacket. It's time to go.

Gin.

Give Gloria a chance for a little quiet time before

Give me a break.

Give yourselves a hand.

Go ahead, check it out.

Go ahead, say it.

Go on, darling.

Go put on some pants, Charlie.

God, that feels so good.

Goldenrod, salmon, mustard...

Good a word as any.

Good news.

Good night, Snack Buddy.

Good point.

Good, that's good. Thank you.

Good, you're still here. Jake wants to say good night.

Good.

Good.

Good. Are you and Wendy joining us, Charlie?

Good. You feel better?

Goodbye, Charlie.

Goodbye, Charlie.

Goodbye, Judith. You're free.

Goodbye, Phyllis.

Goodbye, Rose.

Goodbye.

Got it.

Got to run to the grocery store.

Got you.

Granted. But I do know when a woman's using me.

Great, thanks.

Great.

Great.

Great.

Great. I will have a rum and Diet Coke.

Great. I'll see you later.

Great. You broke him.

Grow up, Charlie.

Guess what? Grandma's here!

H A T.

Hang on.

Hat.

Have a cold frosty mug and pull her near

Have you ever been to Vegas?

Having tantrums in supermarkets,

He always gives me a free wheatgrass shooter and chuckles when I gag.

He deserves a break, and I get some quality uncle time with Jake.

He doesn't get what a truly rare person you are.

He dropped me off. We had a little disagreement.

He lives in LA. He might as well learn now.

He obviously knows me better than you do.

He said "fabulous," but that's not the point.

He said that he and Mom aren't getting back together again.

He says one thing, and then he goes and does another.

He still thinks we're doing a soccer newsletter.

He stood me up.

He worked really hard on that card. You barely looked at it.

He's 10. He's got the attention span of a hummingbird.

He's a sponge?

He's a starfish, and he lives on the same street Sponge Bob,

He's almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song.

He's an adorable boy, and he just loves me so much.

He's an amazing boy. We're very close, two peas in a pod.

He's here and it's Wednesday.

He's in my house on tae kwon do Wednesday,

He's in play. I'm playing.

He's not off to a very good start.

Heck, I could take a page from your book

Hell, that thing's not dead.

Hello, Charlie's house. May I help you?

Hello, do you have a department of animal control or bird abatement?

Hello, Judith?

Hello? Who's this?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Mom, Jake?

Help me, Charlie. I want to sing for no reason.

Henry Ford

Her many, many kids come home.

Here he is.

Here you go, buddy. Drink your vodka.

Here? In my supermarket?

Here. Take my sock. I want to show you a trick.

Here's the deal, Uncle Charlie. I find you attractive.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Hey, everybody, Jake's in charge. So, whatever he says.

Hey, guess what?

Hey, I'm watching that.

Hey, it still counts.

Hey, kids, what do you think about the songs they wrote?

Hey, let's not lose sight of who the real victim of this divorce is.

Hey, look, Alan, I hope this doesn't affect our friendship.

Hey, slow down.

Hey, that's no hottie. That's your ex wife.

Hey, Uncle Charlie, I made this for you.

Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to play some sock golf?

Hey, what you doing?

Hi, Alan, it's Rose. I got in. How'd you do?

Hi, Alan. I'm Leanne. It's nice to meet you.

Hi, Berta. It's me, the Scrubbing Bubble.

Hi, Jake. You sing really well.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, nice to meet you. I'm the ex.

Hi, Phyllis.

Hi.

Hi. I tried calling but I kept getting your machine,

His name is Andy. He works at Jamba Juice.

His name is Sponge Bob Square Pants, and his friend's name is Patrick.

His pants are square 'cause he's square and so is his underwear.

His will is greater than mine.

Hold on.

Home with the babysitter. Alan, I'm kind of on a date.

Hop up and down.

How can I put this?

How can I work?

How can we possibly do this again?

How come you haven't changed anything yet, Dad?

How come you're not helping Mom and Dad with the show?

How could a box leave a ring?

How could I possibly make it any worse?

How do you know it's mine?

How long have you lived in Sherman Oaks?

How so?

How was school this week? We missed you around here.

How would I do that, Charlie? And by the way, was that so hard?

How?

How's it going in there?

How's it going? Did you talk to Berta?

How's Jake doing?

Howdy, neighbor.

I am gonna die alone.

I am not a child.

I am the Soccer Snack Buddy this week, so I've gotta stop at the grocery store.

I asked Andy out, and he said yes.

I brought some samples. We've got

I came to apologize.

I can always make time for pancakes.

I can fill in the blanks.

I can get out.

I can see you got your brother here.

I can see you.

I can't believe she blind sided me like this.

I can't do this anymore. You are impossible.

I can't do this on someone else.

I can't thank you enough for taking the time to do this.

I chalked her tires.

I come in here with Charlie all the time, I always order a rum and Diet Coke?

I could take him. I've got my blades right in the car.

I did not marry the first girl who slipped me the tongue.

I didn't know there'd be so many.

I didn't lie, Berta. Things change.

I didn't make her quit.

I didn't see you back there.

I don't believe it. He's still mad about the Wendy thing.

I don't care. You're on your own.

I don't even know, how to say it. Appetite.

I don't have a clue. I've never had a clue. It's part of my charm.

I don't know how I got so off topic.

I don't know if the grocery store

I don't know the mechanics of it, but, yeah.

I don't know, Alan. Maybe there were too many injuries.

I don't know, by saying things like, "Sure you can. I'll help you. "

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. I must have foiled it somehow.

I don't know. It's just that when you drank it,

I don't know. Why?

I don't know. You might try looking by the front door.

I don't need any quiet time.

I don't think I can go through with this.

I don't think Uncle Charlie likes me anymore.

I don't want stuff.

I don't want to go. I hate clothes shopping.

I don't want to rush you or anything, but have you ever read Lord of the Flies?

I don't want to talk to you right now.

I even made your coffee.

I get enough of that crap from my mother.

I got a better idea.

I got a flock of seagulls in my house.

I got plenty of stuff when my mom and dad broke up.

I got the Navigator over there.

I gotta tell you, Charlie, I think she's really...

I gotta tell you, Charlie. I think that girl's a keeper.

I had to take her upstairs.

I hadn't really thought that far ahead.

I happen to think he's hot.

I have a seagull problem.

I have a three hour window Wednesdays when the kids are at tae kwon do.

I have no faith in this at all.

I have Scrabble eyes. It's a gift.

I have three kids, a bastard of an ex husband,

I have to go because, hell, I don't need a reason.

I have to go. This is embarrassing.

I have two mortgages, private school bills,

I haven't been out with a man other than my husband in 12 years.

I hope you didn't start without me.

I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

I hope you two will be very happy together.

I just don't know what to wear.

I just got a little panicky. Change is not easy for me, Charlie.

I just heard the Fudge Nuggets song you wrote on TV.

I just hope he's worth all the drama.

I just want to thank you all for coming. This is a great turnout.

I just wanted to say that I know you were just trying to help,

I keep telling you not to put bones in it.

I know exactly how you got off topic.

I know when I'm being used, Judith, and not in a fun way.

I know you built your sundeck without a permit and I am calling it in.

I know.

I know.

I know. Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

I know. It's just... I can't.

I know. White Toyota hasn't budged an inch two nights in a row.

I like that I get to stay here on weekends.

I love this one, but it still smells like pepper spray.

I love you.

I love your little tie.

I made a play date for him with one of the kids from the game.

I made it myself.

I mean it. Give me the remote and go to your room.

I mean Jake.

I mean, he's a great kid, but who's got the energy?

I mean, Jake's amazing.

I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer?

I mean, the soccer coach was kind of a sideways move,

I might not be the guy I thought everybody thought I was.

I need you to be my eyes and ears.

I need you to help me make sure he does it.

I painted my room at Mom's house.

I probably wouldn't see you anymore.

I put the groceries away...

I ran into a friend of mine who was getting married at the Bellagio.

I read somewhere you had left.

I really like you.

I said we couldn't do it again. That doesn't mean we can't

I said, "No TV." He said, "Okay. " I said, "Go to bed. " He said, "Okay. "

I said, "Ten. "

I see that.

I see you.

I see.

I simply raised the bar of quality housework

I spend all day schlepping from store to store with you,

I stand corrected.

I think it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I think my socks are on the wrong feet.

I think she's going through the change.

I think so.

I think so.

I think that is really nice of you.

I think the next piece of business is to decide on the paper color.

I think there was definitely a connection.

I think they're gonna get back together.

I thought you said his name was Andy.

I thought you two hit it off.

I told Alan that you were being nice to him just to get close to me.

I told you, don't feed the damn things. I told you, don't leave the windows open.

I tried with that kid, Alan.

I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.

I understand.

I used to play with my wife every night, and I guess I miss it.

I want butter in the middle. Don't just let them squirt it on the top.

I want to watch you go through the windshield.

I want you to be surprised.

I was happy to entertain your nephew for a while.

I was in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror,

I was married a long time, Charlie.

I was on my way out the door, and then I ran into your mom,

I went down to the bait shop and asked them what seagulls like to eat.

I will buy the stupid clothes, but I'm never ever

I wish Randy could see what you see.

I won. I beat Uncle Charlie.

I won. You lose.

I wonder if it's the same reason I sing for no reason.

I wonder why they left.

I work 50 hours a week at my own travel agency,

I'd like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?

I'd like to get to know you, it's not gonna happen on a play date.

I'd probably blow off rehearsal and start chugging from the blender.

I'll ask somebody else.

I'll be back in an hour. Start folding. No TV.

I'll be right there.

I'll go get Berta. You make sure Jake is ready.

I'll go get it.

I'll put it on the market as a two bedroom plus aviary.

I'll put on my stupid jacket, we'll get in the stupid car,

I'll tell you one thing, I am not paying for dinner.

I'm 10.

I'm a big fan.

I'm allowed to watch TV.

I'm at the peak of my sexuality,

I'm buying you all this stuff,

I'm counting to three. One, two...

I'm doing a load of whites.

I'm feeling a little tipsy.

I'm free, I'm so free

I'm from the Midwest. I was being polite.

I'm going for a drive.

I'm gonna get a drywall guy in there and seal off that room.

I'm gonna need somebody to fold these clothes.

I'm gonna stick with paranoid and nuts, Bob.

I'm helping Gloria with the soccer league newsletter.

I'm in, I'm out, there are no complications.

I'm Judith Harper, the class mom.

I'm just going to get drunk and stay out of his way.

I'm just kidding. I'm going to try on the dress, silly.

I'm just saying, I think she's really great.

I'm just very disappointed in you.

I'm not allowed to use the sink anymore.

I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.

I'm not getting clothes, so why do I have to go and be bored?

I'm not going to walk you through the whole movie.

I'm not gonna face all those pre pubers without a snootful.

I'm not happy with visible nipples.

I'm not in the mood, Jake.

I'm not strong enough.

I'm not worried. I just moved your car so Alan can get out.

I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille.

I'm ready. You coming, Dad?

I'm really sorry, Uncle Charlie.

I'm really sorry.

I'm saying maybe it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm serious. Get out of here, or I will kick your ass.

I'm showing a house in Malibu. I thought I'd swing by

I'm sitting in the hot sun, in rented pants listening to myself blink.

I'm sorry I didn't give you a heads up about the divorce papers.

I'm sorry if I overreacted.

I'm sorry, I don't actually work here. I came in for a belt.

I'm sorry, I'm terminally hung over and I just took a cleat in the groin.

I'm sorry, Mom. We were just leaving.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm sorry, where was I?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I honestly thought there'd be donuts.

I'm sorry. I'll try to be more transparent.

I'm sorry. Yes, six inches.

I'm still mad that you peed in my Boy Scout canteen in 1978.

I'm still mad. I just figured out a better way to deal with it.

I'm sure I'll read about it in the paper.

I'm telling you, Jake, this is the last...

I'm telling you, she's got her foot in the door and she will never leave.

I'm the one who told you he's in play.

I'm the past. Andy's the future.

I'm thinking of calling it "Just For Kicks. "

I'm trying desperately to reconcile with my wife,

I'm trying to find some plausible connection between my jingles

I'm trying to teach him responsibility.

I'm watching a movie,

I've actually met you a bunch of times.

I've been figuring out a way to repay you for letting me and Jake stay here.

I've heard about you.

If I can't write my chocolate song, I'm going to take a nap.

If I'm 55, you're seven.

If that would stop him, yes.

If there were pancakes on my night table, it would be the perfect morning.

If this is gonna work out with Jake living here part time,

If you can't see us, we can't see you.

If you leave now, I think you'll miss all the weekend traffic.

If you put your thumb over the hole, you can squirt water

If you want to play in this league, you have to make a few changes.

If you're available for carpools, coaching, fieldtrips.

If your home is bug infested

In a secret chocolate mine

In fact, for the first time since college, I can go after any woman I want.

In her way, yes.

In here.

In my house!

Into a relationship.

Is it Janet?

Is Jake ready?

Is that the coffee?

Is the first place I'd go for that, but good luck.

Is there anything you'd like to add, Charlie?

Is two lonely people playing a game of Scrabble

It didn't work with either of the women you went out with.

It didn't work with Mom.

It doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread

It doesn't seem like you're changing anything.

It felt like Christmas morning, and anything was possible.

It is now, you dumb ass.

It looks as if we're gonna have to cancel

It means "like Christmas. "

It means, how many eighth graders carry a briefcase and a pocket watch?

It never fails, does it?

It was on when I came in.

It wasn't easy, but I did it.

It wasn't gonna work out between you and me.

It worked for Romeo and Juliet,

It would be hundreds of years before people could enjoy

It's 8 1 out there, and everybody here knows it.

It's a cry for his parents to get back together.

It's a good quality. So, who's Janet?

It's a public service

It's a shame that Judith didn't appreciate you.

It's almost like somebody tipped them off.

It's been a very emotional day.

It's better than that. I had sex and I woke up alone.

It's complicated.

It's easy to make anything sound stupid, Charlie.

It's fine with me. Go ask Mr. That's not a word.

It's from Judith's lawyers.

It's good. It leaves the door open for, you know, reconciliation.

It's got oats and corns and wheat

It's got oats and corns and wheat

It's her coffee. I just pressed the button.

It's in your hair, man.

It's just that you're a kid. And what you want doesn't matter.

It's just...

It's like having my own robot army.