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Home > Two and a Half Men...
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Two and a Half Men (2003) - Season 1

Two and a Half Men (2003) - Season 1

Two and a Half Men is a beloved American sitcom that aired from 2003 to 2015. Created by Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn, the show quickly captured the hearts of millions of viewers.

Season 1 of Two and a Half Men originally premiered in 2003 and introduced us to the hilarious and dysfunctional Harper family. The series centers around the lives of brothers Charlie and Alan Harper, played by Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer respectively. The chemistry between the two actors is sensational and their comedic timing is impeccable.

Charlie Harper, a womanizing jingle writer, lives a carefree bachelor life in a beautiful Malibu beach house. Content with his endless supply of beautiful women and alcohol, his life takes an unexpected turn when his recently divorced brother, Alan, and his young son, Jake, played by Angus T. Jones, move in.

The dynamic between Charlie, Alan, and Jake serves as the heart of the show. Charlie represents the ultimate bachelor, always charming, witty, and borderline irresponsible. On the other hand, Alan embodies the complete opposite, finding himself constantly struggling to keep up with his brother's lavish lifestyle. Jake, the innocent child caught in the middle, brings an endearing and genuine element to the series with his adorable one-liners.

Supporting the main cast are some truly remarkable characters that add depth and hilarity to the show. Holland Taylor gives a memorable performance as Charlie and Alan's overbearing mother, Evelyn Harper. With her sharp wit and never-ending snark, Evelyn adds an extra layer of comedy to the series.

Conchata Ferrell takes on the role of Berta, the witty and sassy housekeeper. Berta's no-nonsense demeanor and hilarious one-liners make her a fan favorite and an integral part of the show.

Collectively, the cast of Two and a Half Men has remarkable chemistry, creating a seamless comedic experience for the viewers. The series beautifully weaves together laughter, heartwarming moments, and some cleverly written dialogue.

For fans of the show or those looking to discover the nostalgia of Two and a Half Men, the sounds of Season 1 are available for play and download. Relive the laughter, the jokes, and the memorable moments that defined this long-running sitcom.

Whether it's Charlie's sarcastic remarks, Alan's perpetual bad luck, or Jake's innocent but comical observations, Two and a Half Men Season 1 will surely leave you in stitches. So sit back, relax, and dive into the world of the Harper family as they navigate the ups and downs of life, love, and lots of laughter.

To play and download the sounds of Two and a Half Men Season 1, click here. Enjoy the journey down memory lane and get ready to laugh all over again with this timeless comedy.

A couple of days max. She will come to her senses.
A rebirth. A renaissance, if you will.
A telemarketer who calls you Monkey Man?
After all, I'm just rattling around in that big house all by myself.
Alan, I really want to apologize for putting you through this.
Alan, I think I'm gay.
Alan, I'm sorry to hear about that.
Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you,
Alan, the divan is not for sitting.
Alan, we've got to get him away from her. I mean, look what happened to us.
All right, last card, down and dirty.
All right.
All right. Here's what you're going to do.
And he still liked the Maple Loops song better.
And I think we're gonna look back on this as a new beginning for our marriage.
And in my heart.
And isn't that something to brag about?
And Jake. This could just destroy Jake.
And on the other side, what you do.
And raise you $20.
And sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all,
And take a nap out on the sundeck.
And what did I tell you about yelling in the house?
And what happened to you?
And what if there's another man there? Shacking up with her?
And wondering why we hurt each other so much.
And yet, you're always the one getting spanked.
And you're useless in it!
Are you saying you want me to come back and live with you?
Are you sure?
Asking a woman you're involved with if she wants kids?
At least, I care what I sleep on. Or should I say, who I sleep on.
Because I learned it from you.
Boy, is your eye red.
But Charlie's great with kids.
But I figure you're a package deal.
But not a woman who doesn't like sex.
By the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association.
Call you.
Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?
Charlie, could you and Jake...
Charlie, get off the couch.
Charlie, I haven't seen you in two weeks.
Charlie, it's Alan. Your brother.
Charlie, may I speak with you privately, please?
Charlie, we got a good thing going, why do you want to mess it up?
Charlie, what about you?
Charlie, you're a grown man.
Come on, I'm just trying to get you to lighten up a little.
Come on, you leaving isn't gonna bring them back together again.
Come on, your wife's out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?
Come on. We can't let Jake be exposed to her on any kind of ongoing basis.
Cute. Keep it up, you'll be on one of the cartons.
Damn telemarketers.
Dark and rainy.
Darling, I asked for a lemon wedge
Dinner was swell. We both had the veal piccata and she's gay!
Do what?
Do you ever think about having kids?
Do you have any idea how hurtful it is
Do you have any sense of right and wrong?
Don't be ridiculous. Judith doesn't even like sex.
Don't sell your dad short.
Don't worry. There's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.
Don't you think that's a little redundant?
Dr. Bloom? Yes, this is Alan Harper.
Either you call me, or you are gonna be very, very sorry.
Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks,
Fine. Happy?
For God's sake, do you think you could put some pants on?
Four and a half days ago, let me tell you that.
Good night, Monkey Man.
Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.
Grandma, I'm suffocating.
Have we even stopped to consider that?
He always pulls his ear when he bluffs.
He loves you more than anything in the world.
He's 10.
Hell, she glued the damn cabinets shut again.
Here, I got you your own key.
Here's $20. That should cover me till lunch.
Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Hey, pal, of the two of us,
Hey, sport, your mom wants to say goodbye.
Hey, we all had to.
Hi, Charlie's brother. I'm Rose.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Monkey Man.
Housekeeper/actress/hand model.
How about it, Mighty Mouse? You in?
How am I supposed to have sex while your biological clock is going off?
How come you don't have any kids?
How could you do this to me?
How could you put Jake in a poker game with grown men?
How did you get in my house?
How did you get in my house?
How good do you feel about yourself right now?
I already had breakfast.
I am going to have to make an appointment with Judith,
I am not comfortable with this. I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't need to lighten up. The world I live in is dark.
I don't want to go to Grandma's. I'd rather stay here.
I don't want to meet women. I'm still married.
I drive a Jag, I live at the beach,
I even played him Stairway to Heaven
I figured you've been here a couple of weeks,
I got to take a squirt.
I guess not.
I guess.
I hate this kid.
I just do this to keep the wolf from the door.
I know I've grown.
I leave you alone with him for a couple of hours...
I like my sheets.
I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas
I love this boy.
I love you, Monkey Man.
I love you, too, Mom.
I make a lot of money for doing very little work.
I mean, all she kept saying was she feels suffocated, you know?
I mean, we hardly ever talk to each other.
I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows?
I obviously can't be trusted.
I see now that the time apart did us both a lot of good.
I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings.
I start crying in my car.
I think he's considering it now, Mom.
I want Jake to come back and live with me,
I want Maple Loops.
I was just thinking about you
I was named Chiropractor of the Year
I was wrong to blame you for my unhappiness.
I wish my dad was as cool as you.
I'll bet I'm the only one who's slept with a married woman recently.
I'll see $1 and raise it $5.
I'll see you
I'm Charlie's housekeeper.
I'm deeply disturbed?
I'm going to be back at my own house.
I'm here to help your brother through a very difficult time.
I'm hungry.
I'm just gonna keep asking, Alan.
I'm not back living with Mom.
I'm not that suffocating guy you threw out of the house
I'm on some weird list.
I'm out.
I'm simply staying here till Judith and I work things out.
I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife.
I've got to go.
If I was to lie, I'd say I wrote Stairway to Heaven,
If it makes you feel any better, you won $80 on that last hand.
If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Is she staying over? Because I may have parked behind her.
Is there something inherently wrong with
Is this gonna be a problem?
It's for both of us. Don't go away.
It's for you, right?
It's got oats and corn and wheat It's the sweetest breakfast treat
It's got oats and corn and wheat It's the sweetest breakfast treat
It's got oats and corn and wheat It's the sweetest breakfast treat
It's impossible to find when you're drunk.
It's maple maple ma...
It's maple maple maple licious
It's maple maple maple licious
Jake, buddy. Take a break.
Jake's doing fine.
Judith, I can change.
Kid, don't you know what a full house is?
King's bet.
Life partner must be so proud.
Listen, he doesn't know anything about what's going on,
Listen, you lousy S.O.B., I will not be treated like this.
Look at me, Judy. I could barely make it down the stairs.
Look at you. All grown up and back living with Mom.
Look, okay, this is just until things settle out.
Look, you can have the guest room. I'll grab some sheets.
Maybe because I love me more than anything in the world.
Maybe we should make a list.
Most chicks won't eat veal.
Must be all the extra oxygen they pump into the casinos.
My dad says we're moving to Grandma's tomorrow.
My mom and dad are splitting up.
My mom brought me.
My wife and I need to cancel our marriage counseling appointment for this afternoon.
My wife threw me out, and I'm kind of losing the will to live.
No big deal, just wanted to touch base.
No, no need to apologize.
No. I'm Charlie's brother. Can I help you?
No. It's okay.
Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
Not sitting on your welcome mat.
Not the Maple Loops song.
Now when I want to see my grandson
Now, do you want to talk about your nephew, or do you want to have sex?
Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list.
Obsessive, anal retentive man I've ever met.
Obviously that was a mistake.
Okay, cereal.
Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks.
Okay, it's a woman I went out with once and she got a little clingy.
Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side.
Okay. Good night, Uncle Charlie. I love you.
Okay. I'll see you when you get here.
On a scale of one to two.
On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage,