Two and a Half Men (2003) - Season 1 Edit

A couple of days max. She will come to her senses.

A rebirth. A renaissance, if you will.

A telemarketer who calls you Monkey Man?

After all, I'm just rattling around in that big house all by myself.

Again?

Alan, I really want to apologize for putting you through this.

Alan, I think I'm gay.

Alan, I'm sorry to hear about that.

Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you,

Alan, the divan is not for sitting.

Alan, we've got to get him away from her. I mean, look what happened to us.

All right, last card, down and dirty.

All right.

All right. Here's what you're going to do.

And he still liked the Maple Loops song better.

And I think we're gonna look back on this as a new beginning for our marriage.

And in my heart.

And isn't that something to brag about?

And Jake. This could just destroy Jake.

And on the other side, what you do.

And raise you $20.

And sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all,

And take a nap out on the sundeck.

And what did I tell you about yelling in the house?

And what happened to you?

And what if there's another man there? Shacking up with her?

And wondering why we hurt each other so much.

And yet, you're always the one getting spanked.

And you're useless in it!

Are you saying you want me to come back and live with you?

Are you sure?

Asking a woman you're involved with if she wants kids?

At least, I care what I sleep on. Or should I say, who I sleep on.

Because I learned it from you.

Boy, is your eye red.

But Charlie's great with kids.

But I figure you're a package deal.

But not a woman who doesn't like sex.

By the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association.

Call you.

Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?

Charlie, could you and Jake...

Charlie, get off the couch.

Charlie, I haven't seen you in two weeks.

Charlie, it's Alan. Your brother.

Charlie, may I speak with you privately, please?

Charlie, we got a good thing going, why do you want to mess it up?

Charlie, what about you?

Charlie, you're a grown man.

Charlie?

Come on, I'm just trying to get you to lighten up a little.

Come on, you leaving isn't gonna bring them back together again.

Come on, your wife's out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?

Come on. We can't let Jake be exposed to her on any kind of ongoing basis.

Cute. Keep it up, you'll be on one of the cartons.

Damn telemarketers.

Dark and rainy.

Darling, I asked for a lemon wedge

Dinner was swell. We both had the veal piccata and she's gay!

Do what?

Do you ever think about having kids?

Do you have any idea how hurtful it is

Do you have any sense of right and wrong?

Don't be ridiculous. Judith doesn't even like sex.

Don't sell your dad short.

Don't worry. There's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

Don't you think that's a little redundant?

Dr. Bloom? Yes, this is Alan Harper.

Either you call me, or you are gonna be very, very sorry.

Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks,

Faithful.

Fine. Happy?

For God's sake, do you think you could put some pants on?

Four and a half days ago, let me tell you that.

Good night, Monkey Man.

Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

Grandma, I'm suffocating.

Have we even stopped to consider that?

He always pulls his ear when he bluffs.

He loves you more than anything in the world.

He's 10.

Hell, she glued the damn cabinets shut again.

Here, I got you your own key.

Here's $20. That should cover me till lunch.

Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.

Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.

Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.

Hey, pal, of the two of us,

Hey, sport, your mom wants to say goodbye.

Hey, we all had to.

Hi, Charlie's brother. I'm Rose.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Monkey Man.

Housekeeper/actress/hand model.

How about it, Mighty Mouse? You in?

How am I supposed to have sex while your biological clock is going off?

How come you don't have any kids?

How could you do this to me?

How could you put Jake in a poker game with grown men?

How did you get in my house?

How did you get in my house?

How good do you feel about yourself right now?

I already had breakfast.

I am going to have to make an appointment with Judith,

I am not comfortable with this. I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't need to lighten up. The world I live in is dark.

I don't want to go to Grandma's. I'd rather stay here.

I don't want to meet women. I'm still married.

I drive a Jag, I live at the beach,

I even played him Stairway to Heaven

I figured you've been here a couple of weeks,

I got to take a squirt.

I guess not.

I guess.

I hate this kid.

I just do this to keep the wolf from the door.

I know I've grown.

I leave you alone with him for a couple of hours...

I like my sheets.

I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas

I love this boy.

I love you, Monkey Man.

I love you, too, Mom.

I make a lot of money for doing very little work.

I mean, all she kept saying was she feels suffocated, you know?

I mean, we hardly ever talk to each other.

I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows?

I obviously can't be trusted.

I see now that the time apart did us both a lot of good.

I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings.

I start crying in my car.

I think he's considering it now, Mom.

I want Jake to come back and live with me,

I want Maple Loops.

I was just thinking about you

I was named Chiropractor of the Year

I was wrong to blame you for my unhappiness.

I wish my dad was as cool as you.

I'll bet I'm the only one who's slept with a married woman recently.

I'll see $1 and raise it $5.

I'll see you

I'm Charlie's housekeeper.

I'm deeply disturbed?

I'm going to be back at my own house.

I'm here to help your brother through a very difficult time.

I'm hungry.

I'm just gonna keep asking, Alan.

I'm not back living with Mom.

I'm not that suffocating guy you threw out of the house

I'm on some weird list.

I'm out.

I'm simply staying here till Judith and I work things out.

I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife.

I've got to go.

If I was to lie, I'd say I wrote Stairway to Heaven,

If it makes you feel any better, you won $80 on that last hand.

If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?

In.

Is she staying over? Because I may have parked behind her.

Is there something inherently wrong with

Is this gonna be a problem?

It's for both of us. Don't go away.

It's for you, right?

It's got oats and corn and wheat It's the sweetest breakfast treat

It's got oats and corn and wheat It's the sweetest breakfast treat

It's got oats and corn and wheat It's the sweetest breakfast treat

It's impossible to find when you're drunk.

It's maple maple ma...

It's maple maple maple licious

It's maple maple maple licious

Jake, buddy. Take a break.

Jake's doing fine.

Jeez.

Judith, I can change.

Kid, don't you know what a full house is?

King's bet.

Life partner must be so proud.

Listen, he doesn't know anything about what's going on,

Listen, you lousy S.O.B., I will not be treated like this.

Look at me, Judy. I could barely make it down the stairs.

Look at you. All grown up and back living with Mom.

Look, okay, this is just until things settle out.

Look, you can have the guest room. I'll grab some sheets.

Maybe because I love me more than anything in the world.

Maybe we should make a list.

Most chicks won't eat veal.

Must be all the extra oxygen they pump into the casinos.

My dad says we're moving to Grandma's tomorrow.

My mom and dad are splitting up.

My mom brought me.

My wife and I need to cancel our marriage counseling appointment for this afternoon.

My wife threw me out, and I'm kind of losing the will to live.

No big deal, just wanted to touch base.

No, no need to apologize.

No.

No. I'm Charlie's brother. Can I help you?

No. It's okay.

Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.

Not sitting on your welcome mat.

Not the Maple Loops song.

Now when I want to see my grandson

Now, do you want to talk about your nephew, or do you want to have sex?

Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list.

Obsessive, anal retentive man I've ever met.

Obviously that was a mistake.

Okay, cereal.

Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks.

Okay, it's a woman I went out with once and she got a little clingy.

Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side.

Okay. Good night, Uncle Charlie. I love you.

Okay. I'll see you when you get here.

On a scale of one to two.

On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage,

On one side, we'll put gay stuff...

Our little secret. Why is she saying goodbye to him?

Perhaps it's time to stop blaming your mother for your own shortcomings.

Piranhas can strip an entire cow in an hour.

Please, Alan. You are the most rigid, inflexible,

Probably not. How was dinner?

Queens full of nines.

Really? I wasn't useless when you needed a place to stay.

Rigid and inflexible?

Rose, it's me, Monkey Man.

Rose? You let Rose into my house?

Sex. Definitely sex.

She kept going on and on, "I'm suffocating. "

She said she was your maid.

She's gonna be spending the weekend with her sister in Vegas.

Smell who?

So let's just keep this to ourselves.

So, does your wife sing, too?

So, how was dinner?

So, I thought if you and Jake wanted to come back to my place for a while,

So, one?

So, we decided that Jake would stay with me.

So, when you get a chance, I'd really love to... I don't know...

So, where you gonna go, to a hotel? Wow.

So, you're a housekeeper?

Sound familiar?

Sure. Come on in.

Sweetheart, grow up.

Take him down.

Teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days.

Tell you what,

Thanks, but we're doing just fine here with Mom.

Thanks. Listen, I've got to call my office.

That's his head exploding.

That's okay. I brought my own.

That's too much.

That's very considerate, but as soon as Judith and I work things out,

There's my good boy.

There's no ongoing basis. He's only here on weekends.

Think about what I said.

To hear about your own son's divorce on the street?

Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.

Twelve years, and she just throws me out.

Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie.

Wait.

We better hurry.

We got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes and Maple Loops.

We stopped for ice cream because I'm a babe magnet.

We'll make a list.

Well, Alan, there's not much to say.

Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.

Well, I'll just let you get to work.

Well, it's kind of personal. I mean...

Well, truthfully, no.

Well, with us.

Well, yeah, I guess you could stay here.

Well, yeah, I know the point of these things is...

Well, yeah.

What are you doing here, Jake?

What are you doing? I thought we were gonna have sex.

What are you smiling about?

What divorce? What street?

What do you want to talk about, Alan?

What do you want, Charlie?

What does that mean, you know? Has a woman ever said that to you?

What is wrong with you? Are you insane?

What the hell is going on here?

What took you so long?

What's going on with you?

What's going on? Can't sleep?

What's important is that we're here and we're working on our marriage.

When I was your age, I could only dream about my parents splitting up.

Who came here in the middle of the night with his own sheets?

Who let her in?

Who was that?

Who, let's face it, was never very warm to me.

Who's smiling now, shorty?

Whoa, we've got a good thing going. Can't we just leave it at that?

Why do I even try talking to you?

Why do you assume he learned that from me?

Why is your head exploding?

Why would I be happy? It's just milk.

Why would I lie? The ocean is closed today.

Will you take me swimming in the ocean?

With you?

Would you mind making him lunch?

Wow.

Wow. You're even better than a dog.

Yeah, but I'm not the one who's hungry.

Yeah, come on, kid, we'll have breakfast out on the deck.

Yeah, I can smell him.

Yeah, that'd keep me up.

Yeah, well, your dad knows what's best for you.

Yeah. And I also know what a psych out is.

Yeah. It looks that way.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. That's what women do.

Yes, well, something came up.

You and Jake will come live with me.

You are a bad, bad boy.

You brought your own sheets?

You don't have any food.

You finally got the house back to yourself.

You got to have blood in your stool by now.

You got to love a kid like that.

You have to put $1 in the swear jar. You said "ass. "

You know that, don't you?

You know what I mean?

You know who wrote that song?

You know, "Till death do us part. " Who died? Not me. Not her.

You know, I'm a good husband. I'm faithful.

You look great, by the way.

You raised $5 on that?

You said "hell. "

You should see it from in here.

You stay out of this.

You two need to talk. I'll call you tomorrow.

You were concerned about him being around my brother,

You're a deeply disturbed man, you know? Move it. Come on.

You're lucky.

You're my son, and I'll always have room for you in my house

You're not waiting in the car.

You're right, this madness must end.

You're right. Go wait in the car.

You've got somebody who comes in regularly to glue your cabinets?

You've met some of the whack jobs I've gone out with.

Your brother. He has a very musky scent.

Your son is just adorable.

$1. I'm in.

Alan... And you were right.

Charlie, I'm going to go. No.

Charlie? Yeah, listen, let me ask you a question.

Hello? Is Charlie home?

Here's your iced tea, Grandma. Thank you, my little angel.

Hey, thanks for cleaning up. No, it wasn't me. Rose was here.

I call. I call.

I love you, too, Mom. Too little. Too late.

I think he's got you, pal. He's bluffing.

Is she? Is she what?

It's not that big a stretch. So, this is my fault?

Jake? My son.

Let me ask you something. Yeah?

No, I'm not married. What a shame.

Okay, then, good night. No, wait.

Okay, then. Good night, Charlie. Good night.

Okay, then. Good night. No.

Okay, we'll have lunch. It's not lunchtime.

Okay. Not that milk. That milk.

So, Vegas was good? It was fine.

So, what do you think? Wow.

Sure. Thanks

Thank you. You and your

that'd be okay. Wait a minute.

Throw $1 in the pot. What?

Uncle Charlie? Yeah?

What's the difference? That's Dairy Farm. We drink Dairy Barn

Whose deal is it? Jake, go to bed!

You drink milk? Just with cereal.

You two are really good together. Thank you.

Your mom is my grandma. Yep.

Your uncle Charlie wrote that. No lie?

$80. The house gets a cut.

$85.