Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly Edit

A BLACK MAN WOULD NEVER DREAM

A CRACK HEAD WAS RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET

A CRACK HEAD WOULD COME UP TO THE CAR

A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.

A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.

A FUCKIN' CRACK HEAD RAN THIS WAY...

A GUY'LL BE OUT, THIS HAPPENS TO A LOT, GUYS,

A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS.

A MAN'S TEST IN LIFE IS A WOMAN.

A THONG CONTEST.

A WOMEN'S TEST IN LIFE IS MATERIAL.

AH, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE WHOLE BRUTALITY THING.

AHH, SEE ?!"

AIN'T NO 100 WAYS, THAT LIST IS FOUR THINGS LONG.

AIN'T NO TELLIN' WHAT THEY'VE DONE

ALL I WANNA KNOW, WHICH WAY IS THIRD STREET ?"

ALL I'LL SAY ABOUT ELIAN IS THANK GOD HE'S CUBAN.

ALL MY BUDDIES WILL BE AT MY FUNERAL,

ALL OF THEM SHAKING THEIR BUTTS.

ALL RELAXED, SHOULDERS ALL RELAXED,

ALL THESE YEARS, I THOUGHT I LIKED CHICKEN

ALRIGHT, ZIPPITY DO DAH, BYE BYE !"

ALRIGHT...

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THERE,

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE HELPED EVERYBODY.

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE SUCKED US INTO UTOPIA !

AND A CAR PULLS UP NEXT TO US,

AND A GIRL WALKS BY, AND, MAN, SHE LOOKS GOOD.

AND A WOMAN COMES OUT AND SAYS, "OOH, NICE PORSCHE."

AND AN ELEPHANT THAT'S A JUNKIE.

AND BEFORE I EVEN FINISH MY SENTENCE, HE SAYS,

AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

AND GET OUTTA HERE !"

AND GOT HIT BY A CAR.

AND HE'S DRIVING A LITTLE CRAZY.

AND HE'S LIKE, "DAVE,

AND HISTORY DOESN'T TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH.

AND I BETCHA IT WASN'T THE PRESIDENT'S DICK.

AND I GO TO A RESTAURANT TO ORDER SOME FOOD,

AND I GOT UPSET.

AND I REALIZED "SESAME STREET" TEACHES KIDS OTHER THINGS.

AND I SEEN A THING THEY CALL,

AND I'M WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU, BUT, I'M OLD NOW.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY MEAN BUSINESS."

AND IT SAYS ON THE COVER,

AND JUST KISSED HIM.

AND LABEL PEOPLE, THAT'S RIGHT.

AND LEFT ME,

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

AND LIFT YOUR SACK."

AND LOOK IN THE WINDOW.

AND STEP OVER HOMELESS PEOPLE.

AND THAT'S GOOD.

AND THAT'S THE WORST.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

AND THE BABY DIDN'T EVEN LOOK SCARED,

AND THE CELL PHONE STARTED RINGING,

AND THE MAGAZINES HAVE YOU FORGETTING

AND THEN ANOTHER ONE JUMPED OUT OF A TREE AND SHIT.

AND THEN ED BRADLEY LOOKED RIGHT IN THE CAMERA,

AND THEN NEWSWEEK PRINTED IT AND YOU KNEW IT WAS TRUE.

AND THEN THE MAGAZINE'S TRICK THE WOMEN.

AND THEN THEY PLAY 'EM ON TELEVISION.

AND THEN THEY'RE FAMOUS !

AND THEN YOU FORGET HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE,

AND THEN, MEN, WE MISUNDERSTAND WOMEN A LOT.

AND THEN, TO TOP IT OFF,

AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

AND THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO PUT A PIMP ON THERE.

AND THEY MAKE YOU FAKE ?

AND THEY'RE GONNA BE HAPPY !

AND THIS BABY COULD BE IN TROUBLE,

AND VICE PRESIDENT SANTIAGO TO OUR OWN DEVICES.

AND WE ALL SUFFER.

AND WE WERE LOST IN THE CITY,

AND WHAT DO THEY SAY ?

AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR CLOTHES AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

AND YOU SEE A GIRL AND YOU MIGHT TRY TO TALK TO HER.

AND YOU'LL SEE A GROUP OF BLACK DUDES WALKING,

AND YOU'RE ASKING ME ALL THESE PERSONAL QUESTIONS."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "FINE, HOW ARE YOU ?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE...

AND YOU'RE WITH YOUR BUDDIES, RIGHT ?

AND YOUR REGISTRATION, RIGHT ?

AND ZIP IT OUT !"

AND, I MEAN, I DON'T BLAME YOU,

AND, I MEAN, IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE."

AND, I SAY TO THE GUY, "I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE... "

AND, I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

AND, JUST AT THAT VERY MOMENT,

AND, THEY'LL BE LIKE,

AND, YOU KNOW, MY LAWYERS BE WHITE, AND...

ANYTHING SHE NEEDS TO DO.

ARE QUITE FOND OF ONE ANOTHER."

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

AS AN ADULT ?

AS THREE WHITE GUYS WILL BE WITH THEM,

AS TIME GOES BY, I START FEELING WORSE.

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

BACK IN D.C.,

BAM !

BEATING UP POLITICIANS AND SHIT.

BECAUSE I DID KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT !"

BECAUSE I KNOW EVERY TIME WE NEED TO TALK,

BECAUSE I'M BLACK.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW WE KNOW THE LAW.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW WOMEN LIKE NICE CARS.

BECAUSE THOSE TWO PAGES IN HISTORY ARE STUCK TOGETHER !

BECAUSE WOMEN GOT TOO MUCH ADVICE ABOUT MEN

BECAUSE YOU FLOODED THE MARKET WITH IT,

BECAUSE, IT'S THE YEAR 2000,

BECAUSE, SEE, FEELINGS ARE...

BILL CLINTON WAS NOT THE FIRST PRESIDENT

BLACK PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THAT SHIT.

BLACK PEOPLE WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT

BLACK PEOPLE WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT POLITICS.

BOY...

BUT I COULDN'T TURN AWAY.

BUT I DON'T KNOW GEORGE BUSH Jr.'s POLITICS.

BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER.

BUT, ALL THAT CAME OUT WAS,

BUT, EVEN WHEN I THINK ABOUT WHO I WOULD VOTE FOR,

BUT, GODAMMIT, NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE !

BUT, HE DIDN'T DO IT LIKE THAT

BUT, HE STOOD UP MAN, HE SAID,

BUT, I DIDN'T ALWAYS KNOW THERE WAS A BLACK THING,

BUT, I FUCKIN' FALL APART.

BUT, I KNOW A PIMP WHEN I SEE ONE.

BUT, I WAS HIGH.

BUT, I WASN'T GONNA GET OUT OF THE CAR.

BUT, IMAGINE IF SOMEBODY COULD SUCK YOUR DICK

BUT, LADIES, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT

BUT, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

BUT, MY WHITE BUDDY, HE WAS SMOKING A JOINT.

BUT, NO, PLEASE, FOR THE SQUEAMISH,

BUT, NOW I'M WATCHING IT, AS AN ADULT,

BUT, SHE ACTUALLY, I'M SORRY TO TELL Y'ALL THIS,

BUT, SHE SPREADS HER BUTT CHEEKS OPEN,

BUT, THAT FIRST ****** BETTER WATCH OUT.

BUT, THAT'S STILL NOT WHERE CHIVALRY GOT KILLED.

BUT, THEM BLACK DUDES HAVE SEEN THEM DO

BUT, THEN ANOTHER TIME, ME AND CHIP WERE DRIVING.

BUT, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS.

BUT, THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT,

BUT, THEY GOTTA TALK ABOUT 'EM.

BUT, THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE I LIVED IN IT.

BUT, WE DON'T EVER GOTTA TALK ABOUT

BUT, WE GET TO A RED LIGHT,

BUT, WE KNOW THE LAWS AND THE PENALTIES.

BUT, WHEN IT HAPPENS, IT IS FUCKIN' SWEET.

BUT, YOU ASK ONE OF THESE BLACK FELLAS,

BUT, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE FIRST ONE.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I WAS SMOKING A JOINT,

BUT, YOU WERE A LITTLE SKEPTICAL.

BUT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA OPEN THE BORDER UP, SO,

BY SOME LADY.

C'MON NOW, C'MON, DO SOMETHIN'."

C'MON, MAN.

C'MON, NOW, YOU GO TO A WOMAN'S HOUSE

C'MON, THEY'RE OVER HERE, HELP US !"

CAN'T HANDLE NO COKE HEAD PRESIDENT, UH UH.

Captioned by HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 2000 HOME BOX OFFICE

Captions made possible by HOME BOX OFFICE

CASH MY CHECK.

CHILLIN' AND SHIT.

CHIP HAD THE MUSIC BLASTING...

CHIP SAID, "OKAY, I WILL, SIR, THANK YOU.

CHIP WAS NOT SCARED AT ALL.