Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly Edit

A BLACK MAN WOULD NEVER DREAM

A CRACK HEAD WAS RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET

A CRACK HEAD WOULD COME UP TO THE CAR

A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.

A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.

A FUCKIN' CRACK HEAD RAN THIS WAY...

A GUY'LL BE OUT, THIS HAPPENS TO A LOT, GUYS,

A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS.

A MAN'S TEST IN LIFE IS A WOMAN.

A THONG CONTEST.

A WOMEN'S TEST IN LIFE IS MATERIAL.

AH, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE WHOLE BRUTALITY THING.

AHH, SEE ?!"

AIN'T NO 100 WAYS, THAT LIST IS FOUR THINGS LONG.

AIN'T NO TELLIN' WHAT THEY'VE DONE

ALL I WANNA KNOW, WHICH WAY IS THIRD STREET ?"

ALL I'LL SAY ABOUT ELIAN IS THANK GOD HE'S CUBAN.

ALL MY BUDDIES WILL BE AT MY FUNERAL,

ALL OF THEM SHAKING THEIR BUTTS.

ALL RELAXED, SHOULDERS ALL RELAXED,

ALL THESE YEARS, I THOUGHT I LIKED CHICKEN

ALRIGHT, ZIPPITY DO DAH, BYE BYE !"

ALRIGHT...

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THERE,

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE HELPED EVERYBODY.

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE SUCKED US INTO UTOPIA !

AND A CAR PULLS UP NEXT TO US,

AND A GIRL WALKS BY, AND, MAN, SHE LOOKS GOOD.

AND A WOMAN COMES OUT AND SAYS, "OOH, NICE PORSCHE."

AND AN ELEPHANT THAT'S A JUNKIE.

AND BEFORE I EVEN FINISH MY SENTENCE, HE SAYS,

AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

AND GET OUTTA HERE !"

AND GOT HIT BY A CAR.

AND HE'S DRIVING A LITTLE CRAZY.

AND HE'S LIKE, "DAVE,

AND HISTORY DOESN'T TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH.

AND I BETCHA IT WASN'T THE PRESIDENT'S DICK.

AND I GO TO A RESTAURANT TO ORDER SOME FOOD,

AND I GOT UPSET.

AND I REALIZED "SESAME STREET" TEACHES KIDS OTHER THINGS.

AND I SEEN A THING THEY CALL,

AND I'M WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU, BUT, I'M OLD NOW.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY MEAN BUSINESS."

AND IT SAYS ON THE COVER,

AND JUST KISSED HIM.

AND LABEL PEOPLE, THAT'S RIGHT.

AND LEFT ME,

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

AND LIFT YOUR SACK."

AND LOOK IN THE WINDOW.

AND STEP OVER HOMELESS PEOPLE.

AND THAT'S GOOD.

AND THAT'S THE WORST.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

AND THE BABY DIDN'T EVEN LOOK SCARED,

AND THE CELL PHONE STARTED RINGING,

AND THE MAGAZINES HAVE YOU FORGETTING

AND THEN ANOTHER ONE JUMPED OUT OF A TREE AND SHIT.

AND THEN ED BRADLEY LOOKED RIGHT IN THE CAMERA,

AND THEN NEWSWEEK PRINTED IT AND YOU KNEW IT WAS TRUE.

AND THEN THE MAGAZINE'S TRICK THE WOMEN.

AND THEN THEY PLAY 'EM ON TELEVISION.

AND THEN THEY'RE FAMOUS !

AND THEN YOU FORGET HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE,

AND THEN, MEN, WE MISUNDERSTAND WOMEN A LOT.

AND THEN, TO TOP IT OFF,

AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

AND THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO PUT A PIMP ON THERE.

AND THEY MAKE YOU FAKE ?

AND THEY'RE GONNA BE HAPPY !

AND THIS BABY COULD BE IN TROUBLE,

AND VICE PRESIDENT SANTIAGO TO OUR OWN DEVICES.

AND WE ALL SUFFER.

AND WE WERE LOST IN THE CITY,

AND WHAT DO THEY SAY ?

AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR CLOTHES AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

AND YOU SEE A GIRL AND YOU MIGHT TRY TO TALK TO HER.

AND YOU'LL SEE A GROUP OF BLACK DUDES WALKING,

AND YOU'RE ASKING ME ALL THESE PERSONAL QUESTIONS."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "FINE, HOW ARE YOU ?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE...

AND YOU'RE WITH YOUR BUDDIES, RIGHT ?

AND YOUR REGISTRATION, RIGHT ?

AND ZIP IT OUT !"

AND, I MEAN, I DON'T BLAME YOU,

AND, I MEAN, IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE."

AND, I SAY TO THE GUY, "I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE... "

AND, I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

AND, JUST AT THAT VERY MOMENT,

AND, THEY'LL BE LIKE,

AND, YOU KNOW, MY LAWYERS BE WHITE, AND...

ANYTHING SHE NEEDS TO DO.

ARE QUITE FOND OF ONE ANOTHER."

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

AS AN ADULT ?

AS THREE WHITE GUYS WILL BE WITH THEM,

AS TIME GOES BY, I START FEELING WORSE.

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

BACK IN D.C.,

BAM !

BEATING UP POLITICIANS AND SHIT.

BECAUSE I DID KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT !"

BECAUSE I KNOW EVERY TIME WE NEED TO TALK,

BECAUSE I'M BLACK.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW WE KNOW THE LAW.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW WOMEN LIKE NICE CARS.

BECAUSE THOSE TWO PAGES IN HISTORY ARE STUCK TOGETHER !

BECAUSE WOMEN GOT TOO MUCH ADVICE ABOUT MEN

BECAUSE YOU FLOODED THE MARKET WITH IT,

BECAUSE, IT'S THE YEAR 2000,

BECAUSE, SEE, FEELINGS ARE...

BILL CLINTON WAS NOT THE FIRST PRESIDENT

BLACK PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THAT SHIT.

BLACK PEOPLE WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT

BLACK PEOPLE WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT POLITICS.

BOY...

BUT I COULDN'T TURN AWAY.

BUT I DON'T KNOW GEORGE BUSH Jr.'s POLITICS.

BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER.

BUT, ALL THAT CAME OUT WAS,

BUT, EVEN WHEN I THINK ABOUT WHO I WOULD VOTE FOR,

BUT, GODAMMIT, NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE !

BUT, HE DIDN'T DO IT LIKE THAT

BUT, HE STOOD UP MAN, HE SAID,

BUT, I DIDN'T ALWAYS KNOW THERE WAS A BLACK THING,

BUT, I FUCKIN' FALL APART.

BUT, I KNOW A PIMP WHEN I SEE ONE.

BUT, I WAS HIGH.

BUT, I WASN'T GONNA GET OUT OF THE CAR.

BUT, IMAGINE IF SOMEBODY COULD SUCK YOUR DICK

BUT, LADIES, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT

BUT, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

BUT, MY WHITE BUDDY, HE WAS SMOKING A JOINT.

BUT, NO, PLEASE, FOR THE SQUEAMISH,

BUT, NOW I'M WATCHING IT, AS AN ADULT,

BUT, SHE ACTUALLY, I'M SORRY TO TELL Y'ALL THIS,

BUT, SHE SPREADS HER BUTT CHEEKS OPEN,

BUT, THAT FIRST ****** BETTER WATCH OUT.

BUT, THAT'S STILL NOT WHERE CHIVALRY GOT KILLED.

BUT, THEM BLACK DUDES HAVE SEEN THEM DO

BUT, THEN ANOTHER TIME, ME AND CHIP WERE DRIVING.

BUT, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS.

BUT, THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT,

BUT, THEY GOTTA TALK ABOUT 'EM.

BUT, THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE I LIVED IN IT.

BUT, WE DON'T EVER GOTTA TALK ABOUT

BUT, WE GET TO A RED LIGHT,

BUT, WE KNOW THE LAWS AND THE PENALTIES.

BUT, WHEN IT HAPPENS, IT IS FUCKIN' SWEET.

BUT, YOU ASK ONE OF THESE BLACK FELLAS,

BUT, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE FIRST ONE.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I WAS SMOKING A JOINT,

BUT, YOU WERE A LITTLE SKEPTICAL.

BUT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA OPEN THE BORDER UP, SO,

BY SOME LADY.

C'MON NOW, C'MON, DO SOMETHIN'."

C'MON, MAN.

C'MON, NOW, YOU GO TO A WOMAN'S HOUSE

C'MON, THEY'RE OVER HERE, HELP US !"

CAN'T HANDLE NO COKE HEAD PRESIDENT, UH UH.

Captioned by HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 2000 HOME BOX OFFICE

Captions made possible by HOME BOX OFFICE

CASH MY CHECK.

CHILLIN' AND SHIT.

CHIP HAD THE MUSIC BLASTING...

CHIP SAID, "OKAY, I WILL, SIR, THANK YOU.

CHIP WAS NOT SCARED AT ALL.

CHIP, HE LOOKS AT ME AND HE'S ALL DRUNK,

CHIVALRY GOT KILLED BY THE FEMINIST MOVEMENT

CHIVALRY IS DEAD, AND WOMEN KILLED IT.

CHOCOLATE CHIPS DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

CLINTON CAME OUT OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE,

CLINTON DID THAT KIND OF THING

CLINTON DID THE SAME THING.

CLINTON DIDN'T DO IT LIKE THAT, DID HE ?

COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT SHIT.

D.C.'s DIFFERENT !

DAVE CHAPPELLE !

DID YA EVER SEE THAT SHIT ?

DID YOU EVER ASK A WHITE GUY WHO HE'S VOTING FOR ?

DIDN'T YOU THINK IT WAS LIKE A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS,

DIED CRYING LIKE A BITCH."

DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE VOTING FOR YET ?

DO YOU KNOW WHY WE PULLED YOU OVER ?"

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING ?

DOES NOT MAKE ME A POLICE OFFICER !"

DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE A CERTAIN WAY.

DON'T EVER FORGET IT,

DON'T GET ALONG NO MORE.

DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER, DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER.

DON'T KNOW, DO YOU ?

DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY,

DON'T Y'ALL FEEL A LITTLE SORRY FOR HER AT ALL ?

DON'T YA ALL FEEL THAT WAY ?

ED BRADLEY WAS SHOCKED, "OHHH !"

ELIAN CAN STAY !"

EVEN IF IT'S LIKE A FIRE OR ANYTHING.

EVERY BLACK DUDE IN THIS ROOM

EVERY DEAD BLACK PERSON THE POLICE FIND

EVERY GROUP OF BROTHERS SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST

EVERY PAGE YOU TURN,

EVERY WEEK ON "60 MINUTES",

EVERYBODY KNOW WHAT THAT FINGER SMELLED LIKE.

EVERYBODY SHOULD GO TO THE GHETTO.

EVERYTHING'S BASED ON HOW THEY FEEL.

EXCUSE ME, SIR."

FEELINGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO WOMEN.

FELLAS, YOU LOOKING AT MAGAZINES, "WHAT IS THIS ?"

FIX HIM A SANDWICH, AND, DON'T TALK SO MUCH !

FOR $20, $30 AND SHIT.

FOR A LITTLE INSURANCE.

FOR CUTTING MY MEDICAID !"

FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

FROM A YOUNG AGE.

FROM HAITI,

FROM OTHER WOMEN.

FROM THE HISTORIC LINCOLN THEATER

FUCK AROUND, GET THE WRONG IDEAS.

FUCK IT, I GOTTA CUT LOOSE.

FUCKIN' SIX FOOT PIGEONS WALKING AROUND,

GENTLEMEN, THAT IS TRUE.

GET OUTTA HERE, JUST GET THE FUCK YOU OUTTA HERE."

GET OUTTA HERE, NOW, C'MON.

GODAMN, Y'ALL COME ON NOW.

GOLD IS UP 10 POINTS."

GOOD GOD, ALMIGHTY, IS THAT,

GOOD LUCK."

GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

GOTTA TALK ABOUT 'EM.

HAS CRACK SPRINKLED ALL OVER THEM ?

HAVE A HEART,

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SOMETHING HAPPEN

HE ACTUALLY JUST PICKED A BLACK BABY UP...

HE DID NOT HESITATE OR NOTHING.

HE DIDN'T NEED TO TALK, I KNEW JUST WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT,

HE DIDN'T SAY SHIT.

HE DIDN'T SAY TWO WORDS TO ME,

HE FUCKED MARILYN MONROE.

HE HAS A CAPE AND EVERYTHING.

HE JUST LOOKED AT ME, HE WAS LIKE...

HE JUST PULLED UP IN FRONT OF AN OLD, RICKETY BUILDING

HE KNOWS THE LAW.

HE KNOWS WHO HE'S GONNA VOTE FOR,

HE LIED, WHICH I THOUGHT, I THOUGHT THAT WAS SPECIAL.

HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "DAVE, JUST RELAX.

HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY.

HE MIGHT NEED MY HELP.

HE SAID, "DON'T BUST THAT NUT YET, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

HE SAID, "FUCK YOU, ******, I GOT KIDS TO FEED !"

HE SAID, "THAT WAS GOOD, WASN'T IT ?!

HE STARTS CONFESSING THINGS HE SHOULDN'T CONFESS.

HE WAS A NICE GUY, TALKING TO ME AND SHIT.

HE WAS FROM NIGERIA.

HE WAS JUST STANDING THERE.

HE WAS PROBABLY LOOKING AT KENNEDY'S PICTURE AND SHIT...

HE WAS SCREAMING AND CRYING.

HE WAS WALKING OVER THERE, THIS MAN WAS HIGH AS SHIT.

HE WOULDN'T BUY A HOUSE.

HE'D BE IN MEETINGS EMBARRASSING AMERICA.

HE'D BE LOOKING IN THE CAR...

HE'D BE SELLING NUCLEAR SECRETS

HE'S A BUSY MAN.

HE'S A WHITE GUY, YOU KNOW, WE WERE JUST HANGING OUT,

HE'S BEEN DRINKING.

HE'S BUSIER THAN KENNEDY WAS.

HE'S JUST NOT GONNA TELL ME.

HE'S LIKE, "BITCH, I LIVE IN A FUCKIN' TRASH CAN !

HE'S LIKE, "I SNUCK IN THE CLUB, ****** !

HELLO ?!"

HELP, MOTHERFUCKER, THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME !"

HER HOUSE'LL BE COMFORTABLE AS SHIT.

HER TITTIES ARE ALL MASHED TOGETHER.

HEY, 911, HOW ARE YA ?

HEY, GUYS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

HIM AND HIS BROTHER, BOBBY, FUCKED MARILYN MONROE !

HOW COULD ANYONE ELSE KNOW ?

HOW DO THEY EXPECT YOU TO SOUND ?

HOW DO THEY KNOW I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT EVERY DAY ?

HOW FUCKING BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE.

HOW OLD YOU ARE.

HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA GET SOME CHICKEN ?"

I ASKED HIM, I SAID, "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT ?

I BEEN GONE, MAN, IT TOOK ME YEARS

I BEEN TRYING TO TELL BROTHERS THAT.

I BETCHA HE WORKED AT KINNEY SHOES

I CAN TELL THAT'S WHAT CLINTON WAS UP TO.

I CAN'T CONDONE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR.

I CAN'T GO TO THE BANK LIKE THAT.

I CAN'T LET THE FEAR RUIN MY MORALS.

I CAN'T STOP CRYING."

I COMPLAIN, BUT, I'M HAPPY I'M WITH SOMEBODY.

I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT, HE SAYS, "OH, OH...

I COULDN'T GET OVER THAT, MAN.

I COULDN'T REALLY SAY SHIT TO THE GUY !

I DID MAN, I KNOW HOW HE DID IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS TAKING ME TO THE GHETTO AT FIRST.

I DIDN'T KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT."

I DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING RACIAL ABOUT IT.

I DO, IT MAKES ME SICK.

I DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THEIR POLITICAL POLICIES.

I DON'T EVEN TALK LIKE THAT.

I DON'T GOT NO ELIAN JOKES.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS GUY GOT A MACHINE GUN ON THE PLANE,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIS POLITICS ARE.

I DON'T READ 'EM, BUT, I BE SEEIN' THE COVER.

I DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD.

I DON'T THINK ANY BLACK DUDE WOULD THINK TO SAY THAT.

I DON'T THINK THAT NOBODY WOULD REALLY, REALLY HURT ME.

I DON'T THINK THEY'D TOUCH ME...

I DON'T WANNA BE SINGLE, I DON'T LIKE THAT.

I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY TO SEE ME AND SAY...

I FEEL A LITTLE SORRY FOR HER.

I FEEL BAD FOR HER.

I GET SICK OF THAT SHIT.

I GOT A DRIVER'S LICENSE, TOO.

I GOT BACK IN THE CAR AND ROLLED ME A JOINT, MAN.

I GOT NO SAY IN THE MATTER.

I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

I GOTTA PREPARE MYSELF.

I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER,

I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER, IT WAS AFTER A SHOW,

I HAD TO TURN THE CHANNEL REAL QUICK.

I HAVE DREAMT OF BEING FAMOUS, BUT,

I HAVE SEEN SOME SHIT NOW.

I HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

I HAVE YET TO SEE ONE OF US ON THE NEWS

I JUST CRACKED THE WINDOW A LITTLE BIT.

I JUST LOOK AT THEIR CHARACTER.

I KNEW IT WAS A BAD IDEA.

I KNOW A LOT OF DUDES WITH THEM SHORTCOMINGS.

I KNOW A LOT OF YOU SISTERS WILL BE LIKE,

I KNOW I DID, I WAS TAPING IT.

I KNOW THAT'S GROSS, IT'S GROSS,

I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE

I KNOW, MAN, IT'S BEEN A WHILE, IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

I LEARNED THAT SHIT IN NEW YORK,

I LEFT D.C. IN THE 80s, IT WAS NOT LIKE THIS IN THE 80s.

I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,

I LOOKED OVER AND HE WAS LOOKIN' RIGHT AT MY FACE, MAN.

I LOOKED OVER, THERE WAS ONE OTHER BLACK DUDE.

I LOOKED RIGHT BACK AT HIM.

I MEAN THERE COULD BE A BLACK PRESIDENT ONE DAY,

I MEAN, C'MON, THAT'S ONE DICK

I MEAN, COME ON, NOW, LET'S BE HONEST,

I MEAN, COME ON, THE CAR SMELLS LIKE WEED,

I MEAN, I WAS FUCKIN' DISGUSTED,

I MEAN, I'D BE THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT,

I MEAN, IF YOU GET PULLED OVER,

I MEAN, IT MADE ME SAD, IT MADE ME SAD, IT REALLY DID.

I MEAN, IT WAS SO BLATANT, YOU WERE JUST LIKE, "WOW !"

I MEAN, IT'S A 911 TAPE.

I MEAN, LIKE, I WAS WITH MY NEPHEW,

I MEAN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN SOMETHING

I MEAN, NO GUY EVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

I MEAN, REALLY, HOW COULD YOU KNOW, THOUGH ?

I MEAN, THE SECOND OR THIRD, THAT'S FINE,

I NEED SOME INFORMATION."

I NEVER DREAMT OF BEING THAT FAMOUS.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW FAMOUS A PRESIDENT WAS,

I SAID, "CHIP, NO ! CHIP, DON'T DO IT !

I SAID, "GET OUTTA HERE, CRACKIE !"

I SAID, "HOW DID HE KNOW,

I SAID, "NOW, PAY ATTENTION TO THIS GUY

I SAID, "OH, SHIT !"

I SAID, "UM HMM, I LIKE THAT."

I SAID, "WHEW ! SESAME STREET.

I SAW ONE THING ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL,

I SEE THE SHOWS, THEY TAPE 'EM,

I SEE THIS SHIT IN THE MAGAZINES.

I SEEN THE TAPES, REMEMBER THE TAPES ?

I STARTED FREAKING OUT.

I STARTED LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW,

I TRAVEL, NOW, YOU KNOW.

I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM IT WAS A BAD IDEA,

I TRIED.

I TURNED ON "SESAME STREET".

I UNDERSTAND THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR.

I USED TO THINK D.C. HAD THE ROUGHEST GHETTOS

I USED TO WATCH HIM WHEN I WAS LITTLE."

I WAS AT HOME, LIKE, "YEAH, WAS HE AROUSED ?"

I WAS COMING FROM OVERSEAS, AND,

I WAS DANCING WITH A GIRL AND THE DJ SAID,

I WAS DISGUSTED 'CAUSE I WAS LIKE 10 YARDS AWAY FROM HER,

I WAS FUCKING SHOCKED !

I WAS HANGING OUT WITH A FRIEND OF MINE.

I WAS IN MISSISSIPPI, DOIN' A SHOW,

I WAS IN NEW YORK CITY.

I WAS IN THE CRIB, I WAS LIKE,

I WAS JUST SHOCKED BECAUSE I WOULD'VE

I WAS LIKE, "ALRIGHT LADY, FINE, FINE !

I WAS LIKE, "GOD DAMN !"

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, CHIP, YOU GOT FUCKIN' LUCKY,

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, I GOTTA LOOK AROUND

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD !"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK ?!"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK ?"

I WAS LIKE, WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE THAT ?

I WAS ON A PLANE...

I WAS ON THE ROAD, ONE CLUB,

I WAS SHOCKED.

I WAS TAKEN TO THE GHETTO ONE TIME,

I WAS THE ONLY BROTHER ON THE PLANE.

I WASN'T EVEN MAD, I WAS JUST UPSET.

I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT !

I WASN'T READY TO HEAR THAT SHIT.

I WASN'T SHOCKED AT THE AUDACITY,

I WOULDN'T GO THERE IF I KNEW THE WAY.

I'D BE LIKE, "ALRIGHT, YOU TOO, MAN, PEACE."

I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S COOL FOR ME."

I'D BE SCARED OF TALKING TO THE POLICE

I'D BE SCARED TO CALL 911 FOR ANYTHING.

I'D BE, "OH, JUST BECAUSE I'M DRESSED THIS WAY,

I'D VOTE FOR CLINTON AGAIN, IF I COULD.

I'LL BE DEAD, I CAN'T DEFEND MYSELF.

I'LL BE IN THE GROCERY STORE,

I'LL BE SITTING THERE, WATCHING TV,

I'LL DO IT,

I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK !"

I'LL TELL YOU THAT SHIT."

I'M A PARANOID GUY, YOU KNOW, SO,

I'M ASKING YOU, YOU'RE A WHITE GUY,

I'M DEAD, I CAN'T EXPLAIN MYSELF TO MY BUDDIES AND SHIT.

I'M GLAD THAT WE'RE DOING A SHOW HERE BY HOWARD,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ESCAPE ON FOOT."

I'M GONNA RACE 'EM."

I'M GONNA SEE SOMETHING CRAZY.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS, I SHOULD BE THE PRESIDENT,

I'M JUST BEING TRUTHFUL.

I'M JUST LEARNING THIS SHIT.

I'M JUST LOOKING AT HIS BEHAVIOR.

I'M JUST TALKING.

I'M LIKE, "NO, NO, NO,

I'M LOOKIN' AT HIM LIKE, "GOOD, GOD !

I'M NOT GONNA FALL FOR THAT SHIT.

I'M NOT GONNA SAY WHITE PEOPLE DIDN'T BELIEVE US,

I'M NOT SAYING I DON'T LIKE POLICE,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

I'M NOT SURE IF IT WAS A PROJECT, BUT,

I'M SAYING I'M JUST SCARED OF 'EM.

I'M SCARED OF A BABY.

I'M SCARED.

I'M SERIOUS, FOR SAFETY.

I'M SERIOUS, I HAD TO BUY TWO BAGS FROM HIM

I'M SERIOUS, MAN,

I'M SERIOUS, MAN.

I'M SERIOUS.

I'M SERIOUS.

I'M SERIOUS.

I'M SURE SOMEBODY WOULD WANNA HURT ME, BUT,

I'M TALKING GOOD LIKE,

I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF HAVING SEX

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT, SOMETIMES, SHIT'LL HAPPEN.

I'VE NOTICED THAT, THAT IS A CULTURAL THING.

IF A MAN COULD FUCK A WOMAN IN A CARDBOARD BOX,

IF ELIAN GONZALEZ WAS ELIAN MAMUMBO

IF ONE OF US EVEN START TO DO SOMETHING WRONG,

IF PUSSY WAS A STOCK,

IF SOMEBODY PUT THE PRESSURE ON ME,

IN ALL THIS TROUBLE.

IN FRONT OF A PROJECT IN A FUCKIN' LIMOUSINE !

IN NEWSWEEK, WHITE PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

IN THE COUNTRY.

IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED DISCO, RIGHT ?

IN THE OLD DAYS.

IN THE WAY WE'RE GONNA SEE THINGS.

IN THEM GROUPS.

IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,

IS 'CAUSE I'M BLACK.

IS A QUALIFIED PARALEGAL AND SHIT,

IS THAT A BABY ?

IS THAT FINE WITH YOU ?"

IS THAT FINE WITH YOU, DAVE ?"

IS THAT HER BIRTH CANAL ?

IS THE WAY THAT MEN AND WOMEN

ISN'T HE KIDS ?"

ISN'T THAT WEIRD ?

IT AIN'T A REAL NICE HOUSE,

IT CERTAINLY HAD ALL THE FAMILIAR SYMPTOMS

IT DON'T MATTER HOW RICH YOU ARE,

IT HAPPENS VERY RARELY.

IT JUST IS.

IT JUST MIGHT NOT COME OUT RIGHT.

IT LOOKED LIKE HE JUST STUCK HIS HEAD

IT TEACHES KIDS HOW TO JUDGE PEOPLE,

IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO FIGURE THAT OUT.

IT WAS A DIFFERENT GIRL ACCUSING CLINTON.

IT WAS AN OLD LIMOUSINE, I CAN ROLL IT DOWN.

IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT,

IT WAS LIKE "JURASSIC PARK" AND SHIT,

IT WAS LIKE A FUCKING MOVIE.

IT WAS LIKE THREE IN THE MORNING,

IT WAS THE SAME BABY FROM THE PROJECTS,

IT WAS TOO LATE.

IT WAS WEIRD, HE DIDN'T EVEN TURN HIS RADIO DOWN,

IT WON'T BE NO BIG DEAL FOR YOU,

IT WOULD BE PLUMMETING RIGHT NOW

IT WOULD PLUMMET.

IT'LL BE JUST FACTS.

IT'S A SECRET.

IT'S ALWAYS TAKES THE GUY ON THE SCENE A MINUTE.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

IT'S DANGEROUS OUT HERE, WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

IT'S DIFFERENT NOW.

IT'S IN THE MAY ISSUE."

IT'S NOT ILLEGAL TO TALK LIKE THAT.

IT'S ONE OF THE EASIER WAYS TO PROVE WHO I AM.

IT'S THE GODAMN COPS."

IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

IT'S TRUE.

JOHN F. KENNEDY ? REMEMBER HIM ?

JUST A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS ?

JUST BECAUSE THEY DRESS A CERTAIN WAY,

JUST PAT HER ON THE ASS, AND I'LL COME OUT !"

JUST PLUG YOUR EARS.

JUST TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER,

JUST TO SEE HOW THEY HANDLE IT AND SHIT.

JUST, SUCK HIS DICK, PLAY WITH HIS BALLS,

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

LET ME DO THE TALKING."

LET ME SEE YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THAT IS CULTURAL THING.

LET'S BE HONEST.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."

LET'S THINK BACK FOR A MINUTE.

LIFE IS FLIMSY.

LIKE IT DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN TO YOU,

LIKE MEN AREN'T GENTLEMEN ANYMORE ?

LIKE WITH A LAWYER OR SOMETHING,

LIKE YOU WAS WATCHING "MISSISSIPPI BURNING",

LIKE, "TAKE IT EASY, PEPE !!"

LIKE, I HEAR WOMEN SAY THIS ALL THE TIME.

LIKE, I'M GONNA SEE SOME WILD SHIT,

LIKE, SEE, I'D NEVER VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH Jr.,

LIKE, SHOW BUSINESS BE CRAZY.

LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK ?

LONG AFTER SHE SPENT THAT MONEY UP,

LOOK HOW HAPPY HE LOOKS."

LOOKED LIKE HE JUST GOT DONE FUCKING OR SOMETHING.

LOOKING AT ME.

MAKE ME A WHORE."

MAN, I HAVE JUST BOUGHT WEED FROM AN INFANT."

MAN, THAT LIGHT TURNED GREEN AND CHIP TOOK OFF !

MAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ?

MEN AND WOMEN JUST DON'T GET ALONG.

MEN HAVE NICE CARS.

MISS LEWINSKY."

MISUNDERSTANDINGS CAN HAPPEN.

MMMM.

MOVE IT."

MY NEPHEW WAS SITTING THERE, CRACKING UP.

MY OLD LADY COME UP TO ME.

NEVER THOUGHT TO SAY THAT.

NEW WHITE PEOPLE, YOU CAN'T SCARE THESE WHITE PEOPLE.

NO !"

NO, DON'T LOOK OVER THERE, NO, NO."

NO, FUCK THAT, ******, FUCK IT, I'M ON MY WAY !"

NO, I'M SERIOUS, YOU GOTTA READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

NO, ******, UH UH.

NOBODY CALLS 911 COOL AND RELAXED.

NOBODY CARES, NOBODY CARES.

NOBODY LOOK AT MY FACE !"

NOBODY WANNA GET THEIR ASS BEAT

NOBODY WANTS TO BE THE MOST FAMOUS COCKSUCKER

NOBODY WOULD DO THAT.

NOBODY'S HELPING ME."

NOT 'CAUSE THEY LIKE NICE CARS,

NOT ALL THE TIME, BUT,

NOT EVEN THE WOMEN FEEL SORRY FOR HER, LADIES ?

NOT GOOD IN THAT CLASSICAL WAY.

NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

NOT JUST ANY OLD BLACK DUDES, WE'RE TALKING, YOU KNOW,

NOT YET."

NOW AGAIN, I'M NOT LOOKING AT HIS POLITICS.

NOW I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A COINCIDENCE

NOW I'M SCARED TO EAT IT IN PUBLIC.

NOW THAT'S JEALOUSY.

NOW THERE'S NO COPS AROUND, RIGHT ?

NOW, BY TESTS, I MEAN THAT THOSE ARE THE THINGS

NOW, CHIP DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE COULDN'T RACE.

NOW, I DON'T LIKE TO LET MY FRIENDS DRIVE DRUNK,

NOW, I KNOW IT WAS A HIT AND RUN.

NOW, I KNOW THAT'S NOT AMAZING TO SOME OF YOU,

NOW, I'D NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE,

NOW, I'LL SAY ANYTHING IF I'M SCARED,

NOW, I'M NOT DRIVING, CHIP IS DRIVING,

NOW, LISTEN,

NOW, LOOK WHAT HAPPENS...

NOW, THAT SHIT WOULD SOUND RIDICULOUS.

NOW, THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME, DAVE CHAPPELLE, THE COMEDIAN,

NOW, THIS IS WHEN I KNEW I WAS IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD.

NOW, YOU SEE THAT ?

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND, I'M SCARED AS SHIT.

NOW...

OF A PROJECT.

OF ALL TIMES AND SHIT !

OF COURSE, YOU'RE GONNA BE SCARED.

OF TALKING TO THE POLICE HIGH.

OF WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

OH, BOY."

OH, IT GETS WORSE.

OH, MAN, THE NEWS HAD NEVER BEEN SO GOOD.

OH, THERE'S SOME ROUGH, ROUGH AREAS

OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.

ON HIS GENITALS."

ON THE MAGAZINES THAT GOT WOMEN GOING CRAZY.

ONE OF THE GIRLS WAS GETTING SO INTO IT,

ONE WHITE GUY IN IT.

OR SAFEWAY OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT !

OUR TESTS IN LIFE ARE DIFFERENT.

OUT THE OFFICE DOOR AND SAID, "AHH, HELP !

OUTSIDE OF D.C.

PLEASE BELIEVE ME !"

PLEASE REPORT TO THE DJ BOOTH."

POPPING OUT THE TOP OF HER TURTLENECK AND SHIT.

READING THE HOSTAGE LETTER.

REALLY KNEW ABOUT THAT.

REMEMBER A GUY NAMED KENNEDY ?

REMEMBER WHEN CRACK WAS GOING ON ?

REMEMBER WHEN KATHLEEN WILLEY CAME OUT ?

REMEMBER, IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

RIGHT ?

RIGHT BACK INTO THE WATER.

ROLLED UP ON 'EM, "BOO !"

SAD !

SCARED OF 'EM.

SCREAMIN', "COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE !"

SEE, BLACK PEOPLE ARE VERY AFRAID OF THE POLICE.

SEE, EVEN WHEN I VOTE, RIGHT ?

SEE, I TALK LIKE THAT.

SEE, SEE, I'M JUST GUESSING.

SEE, THAT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE NOW.

SEE, THE ONLY REASON I DON'T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT

SEE, WE GOTTA STOP JUDGIN' PEOPLE.

SEE...

SHE GOT HALF HER ASS HANGING OUT OF HER SKIRT,

SHE HAD NO WISDOM.

SHE LEAVES ME DEFENSELESS !

SHE WANTED TO FUCK A POWERFUL MAN, PERIOD,

SHE WAS UPSET, "THE PRESIDENT

SHE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT HOW POWERFUL THE PRESIDENT WAS.

SHE'D BE SINGING ALL NASTY AT HIS PARTY,

SHIT, I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.

SHOW BUSINESS BRINGS A LOT OF RACES TOGETHER.

SO, DON'T EVEN TELL ME HOW TO GET TO "SESAME STREET",

SO, I WAS FEELING LIKE, REALLY BAD... "

SO, MEN GET COMFORTABLE SURROUNDINGS.

SO, SOMETIMES, I'LL MAKE UP SHIT

SOME OF THEM DIDN'T HAVE UNDERWEAR ON,

SOME OF THEM PULLING THEIR PANTS DOWN,

SOME OF THEM PULLING THEIR SKIRTS UP,

SOME WHITE DUDES ON THE FRONT OF THE PLANE SEEN US,

SOME WILD SHIT, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY HOUSE ONCE,

SOMEBODY MIGHT RUN UP ON ME.

SOMEBODY'S GONNA NEED TO TALK TO THE POLICE.

SOMETIMES IT WORKS, SOMETIMES IT DON'T.

SOMETIMES PRESSURE MAKES ME TALK DIFFERENT.

SOMETIMES RACISM WORKS OUT IN BLACK PEOPLE'S FAVOR.

SOMETIMES YOU GO TO THEM SINGLE CLUBS,

SOMETIMES, I'LL TALK CRAZY

SOMETIMES, THIS WORLD IS TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH.

SOMETIMES, WE WANNA CALL 'EM TOO.

STOP SUCKING THE AMBASSADOR'S DICK."

STOP TALKING IN THAT VOICE."

STRESSIN' HIM ALL OUT...

TERRORISTS ARE SMART.

TERRORISTS DON'T TAKE BLACK HOSTAGES.

THANK YOU !

THANK YOU, ALL.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU !

THAT BABY WAS STILL STANDING THERE, MAN.

THAT GIRL SUCKED THAT'S GONNA HAUNT HER

THAT GIRL WAS YOUNG, AND SHE MADE A MISTAKE

THAT GOOD AND SHIT.

THAT GUY RUINED CHICKEN FOR ME.

THAT GUY SNIFFED COCAINE, THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT HE IS A FAMOUS MAN.

THAT I WAS GONNA GET SOME CHICKEN ?"

THAT IS A BIG PART OF OUR CULTURE.

THAT IS A TERRIBLE PLACE.

THAT IS FUCKING CONFUSING.

THAT LOOKED LIKE A PROJECT.

THAT MIGHT BE FINE FOR A MAYOR,

THAT SHIT IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT ?

THAT SHIT IS INFURIATING.

THAT SHIT IS PRIVATE, YOU KNOW ?

THAT SHIT IS SOME WILD SHIT.

THAT SHIT WAS SCARY, MAN,

THAT WAS SO RACIST,

THAT WE DESIRE.

THAT WE UNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION.

THAT WE WERE LOST AND HIGH, AND SHIT,

THAT WOULD MAKE IT TOO HOT FOR ME.

THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET MAD ?

THAT YOU USED TO WATCH WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE,

THAT YOUNG GIRLS MAKE.

THAT'S A GOOD TIME TO CALL 'EM, BUT, NO,

THAT'S A HARD THING TO BE FAMOUS FOR, MAN.

THAT'S A ROUGH CITY, MAN."

THAT'S A WASTE OF WEED.

THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENED.

THAT'S ALRIGHT,

THAT'S AS FAR AS SHE THOUGHT THROUGH.

THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT'S FUCKED UP.

THAT'S HOW BAD GUYS USED TO TALK IN THE 40s.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL INSIDE.

THAT'S HOW IT GOES.

THAT'S HOW IT IS, BUT, AT THE TIME,

THAT'S HOW IT IS.

THAT'S HOW THEY ALWAYS GET ME.

THAT'S MY PROBLEM, I CAN'T HANDLE PRESSURE.

THAT'S NOT A NICE THING TO DO,

THAT'S NOT A NICE THING TO DO.

THAT'S NOT EVEN SLANG,

THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY SAY TO US.

THAT'S REALLY WHAT'S BUGGING ME ABOUT IT.

THAT'S RIGHT,

THAT'S STILL GONNA HAUNT HER.

THAT'S THE END OF THE STORY.

THAT'S THE STORY."

THAT'S THE THING, THERE'S SO MUCH STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

THAT'S TRUE.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

THAT'S WHEN THAT WHITE FRIEND COMES IN HANDY.

THAT'S WHERE THE CULTURES REALLY COLLIDE.

THE BABY SAID, "I'M SELLING WEED, ****** !"

THE COOKIE MONSTER,

THE COP SAID, "WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.

THE COP WAS LIKE, "HEY, TAKE IT EASY.

THE DRIVER SAID, "I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

THE ENTIRE SHOW.

THE GIRL GETS MAD AT YOU.

THE GIRL'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME !"

THE HOUSE WAS TOO NICE.

THE LAST THING I'M GONNA SAY ABOUT IT IS THIS,

THE MAGAZINE'S START PICKING AT YOUR SELF ESTEEM.

THE MORE YOU DON'T KNOW, AND SHIT.

THE NEWS IS COMING ON."

THE OLD BABY ON THE CORNER TRICK, EH ?

THE OLD BLACK MAN WOULD POP OUTTA NOWHERE,

THE ONE THING I'M SEEING,