Keeping the Faith Edit

A priest and a rabbi in this day and age.

A wise man once told me that no rabbi can save anyone.

A world where boundaries and definitions...

A... dog, a male dog.

About everything. About us, about me—— especially about me.

About what you said in the seminary about how the life ofa priest is hard.

Abstractly.

Actually, I download them offthe net. There‘s this great service.

After months and months of lying, why call me over in the middle ofthe night...

After that, we were pretty much inseparable.

Ah, yes, they all come back. Sooner or later, they all—— Ooh I

Ah. Harder.

All right, I‘ll make the call, but cancel the dinner. I have a class.

All right, now over to you. Anybody new in your life I should know about?

All right, that‘s why I‘m here! That‘s why I wanted to apologize ifyou‘d let me talk.

All right, the lights are working, the cameras came,

All right, you know what ? I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go. I‘ve gotta go.

All right. Navy blue button—down shirt.

All these feelings.

All these moments with you, I‘ve been walking around on a cloud,

Am I spiritually empty?

Amen to your ”oy.”

And / don’t really feel like 5 wapping stories,

And / let him in on the Catholic mysteries.

And askyou to forgive me.

And coming here tonight, on your Sunday evening,

And cry to me——

And for a while now, you ’ve let me be your guide.

And he stole my girlfriend, on top ofit.

And her heart—— boom——

And I don‘t know why, but this time, I looked at it.

And I fell in love at least once every decade.

And I got a little piece ofass last night, so I‘m feeling extra generous.

And I gotta say, it‘s wonderful to see so much interfaith dancing happening.

And I moved to the United States.

And I wasjust—— I was riveted. It was so beautiful.

And I‘m finejust hanging out, having a great time with you.

And I‘m not coming back.

And I‘m not gonna letyou go“?

And I‘m reading all kinds ofthings wrong,

And if / indulged those feelings too much with you,

And if you start to doubt that because ofme,

And ifHe cannot turn their hearts,

And ifyou can see yourselfbeing happy doing anything else, you should do that.

And it never works because the women always fall in love with you,

And it’s very important to understand the difference between religion and faith.

And just like that, she was gone.

And Lot takes them in, and he protects them.

And now something has happened, and I can‘t keep it from you anymore. I feel bad.

And our other grandmother was an Irish nun who left me this bar,

And over the past few months,

And she is lea ving in about two hours.

And so tonight,

And that feeling, that hunch, is God.

And that I‘d throw it all away to be with you,

And that, where the important things are concerned, you‘re still a total idiot.

And that’s really what the story’s about—— us taking care of each other.

And then people can light up right in front ofyou and it doesn‘t even botheryou.

And those who don‘t love us——

And unless my radar is completely on the blink, | thinkyou like me.

And wejust clicked very unexpectedly, but——

And when / was eight, / told her / had a feeling / was supposed to return the favor.

And you are never going to be the kind ofspiritual leaderyou could be...

And you knew he could do anything he wanted with his life.

And you know what? You are never going to find the kind of relationship I know you want.

And you said some things to her that / resent on her behalf

And your a verage se ven th —grade girl’s attentions can be pretty tickle.

And—and that affected me.

And, ofcourse, I‘m gonna miss my Romeo Casanova boy across the way.

And, so, I don‘t thinkI wanna go, because I wanna be nearyou,

And, trust me, you have not heard this one, okay?

And, when lovers bore, which they will, sublimate.

Anna .7

Anna is very special, okay? She‘s not like other girls.

Anna used to call us "two Mic/<5 and a Yid "She was gonna make T—shirts.

Anna wants me to take her to this office party... deal. I don‘t know what it is.

Anna was the friend that every I 3—year—old boy dreams of——

Anna——

Anna, /don’t want you to go.

Anyway, I thought he was in that.

Are blurring and bleeding into each other...

Are tied in to my feelings forjake.

Are you okay? Good.

Are you sure that that is the best thing... foryou?

As much griefas I givejake, I think you‘re all doing it the right way.

Aw, no, man. Check this out God Squad in the house.

Because / think ifit was just up to you,

Because his best friend, a rabbi, stole his girl.

Because I have a very early conference call.

Because it makes you feel like a Marine.

Beep—beep! Hello, young sir!

Before we get started, I want you all to do me a favor.

Bella Abzug showed up for a bris, but that was——

Biblical Hebrewjust ‘cause my balls haven‘t dropped yet?“

Bingo ! Two—week cruise for Greta! You‘re goin‘ to the Bahamas!

Brian ! Come on, let‘sjust talk about this. You don‘t drink.

Brian——

Brian, I don‘t know what I would do with myself.

Brian, I‘m in love with her! Okay?

Brian!

Brian.

Brian.

Bring ’em up to speed with the times, no more of the old routines.

Bring me my Obsession perfume, a couple ofmacaroons and my computer.

But / just l

But at least we‘d still have been friends.

But before they were a priest and a rabbi, they both knew this girl.

But I don‘t need that.

But I‘m dealing with it because I‘m overwhelmed by this feeling I have foryou.

But I‘m not as excited as I am aboutyou and me.

But I‘m not interested in baby—sitting Mrs. Katz.

But it sure felt that way to me.

But it‘s a problem foryou because you assume all people in your life can‘t deal with that.

But it‘s like when people quit smoking, and the first year is tough,

But let me tell you, in my experience——

But New York is an island.

But no matter what I do, I can‘t seem to get you folks to sing it with any feeling.

But not Anna. Her loyalty to us was constant

But our relationship did have this one unusual component'

But sometimes you‘re a little aggressive in the execution.

But sometimes, I wannajumpyou too. What can I say?

But soon after, the Russians invaded Czechoslovakia,

But that‘s exciting. How long before they give it over to you officially?

But that‘s kind ofoffset by the fact that I‘m about to lose myjob.

But that‘s okay. You‘re supposed to suck.

But that’s what we lived for: to push the envelope.

But the fact is that we have to work it out together, between me and her.

But this...

But when the three of us were together, it felt like we were livin’ on our own little island

But when you get back, we should definitely get together.

But you guys look like cool guys,

But you have to appreciate a lot of people come here for a sense ofcontinuity.

But you have to have some patience for the fact..

But you put your trust in me.

But you‘ll be back. They all come back.

But you‘re in a particularly good mood right now.

But you‘re scared because it‘s me, so I‘m gonna say it first.

But, look, not to rain on your parade. I had to go say good—bye to Anna.

ButI thinkI should letyou doyourthing.

By anyone who can survive on less than [00 grand a year.

Can I askyou a question?

Can I interrupt, or is three a crowd here?

Can Ijust say, good—— good foryou.

Can you come over? Please ?

Can—— [Giggles]

Come on, come on, admit it. Ifl wasn‘t a priest——

Come on, come on. Yes ?

Come on. A priest and a rabbi? I think I‘ve heard this one.

Connecting us all together.

Could be a scandal.

Damn it, jake.

Debbie, Debbie, Deb—— What ?

Definitely not Ernie‘s. Definitely not.

Ding—dong—— time to pay the toll.

Does he have music on in there .7 He ’5, like, porn—slapping her.

Does my life seem shallow to you?

Don ’t you ever just wanna be free of that thing .7

Don‘t give up hope, okay?

Don‘t look at me in that tone ofvoice.

Don‘t move, okay? I‘ll be right over.

Don‘t smile at me, okay ? ‘Cause I‘m on toyou, and I‘m in no mood.

Don‘t talk to me about your mother, brother or synagogue. Just you.

Don‘t tell anybody, butl thinkl need to take a break from this exciting life.

Don‘t worry about it. What—What‘s going on ?What‘s wrong?

Ernie‘s been around since we were kids. You might as well take her to Houlihan‘s.

Ethan andJackie took me to see her mom‘s new play, and itwas hilarious.

Ethan married a Catholic girl, and that did not go over well.

Ethan, on the other hand, that’s anotherstory When he was a kid, he was such a chub.

Even way back then, everybody just seemed to feel good bringing their problems to me.

Excuse me, but I think in light of recent revelations,

Excuse me, may / help you .7

Excuse me, Rabbi, sorry to interrupt, but there‘s a question...

Excuse me.

Excuse me. My mouthjust went dry.

Faith is a feeling Faith is a hunch, really.

Faith is not about having the right answers.

Fall down on the floor,

For a number ofmonths, I‘ve been seeing a woman who isn‘t*******.

Foryears, I have listened to you talk about...

Friends don‘t lie to each other and set each other up to be humiliated like that.

Friends first

Get across the street That’s right, go I Go, go I Go forth and prosper!

Get ready to say your prayers, my friends, ‘cause I am in no mood today.

Get those things, and then feel a sneaking suspicion that you went after the wrong things...

God does not look favorably on it. He had a tendency to throw lightning bolts...

God hates a solo artist, / promise you

God is challenging you He ’5 callin ’ you a chump.

God isa lotlike Blanche DuBois.

God knew your voice was gonna change when you‘re 13.

God relies on us to take care of each other.

God was showing off when He made you.

God will give you your answer.

God, don‘t mess with me like that.

God, I can‘t believe you did that. We agreed this was between us.

God, talk about a bad case ofthe third wheel.

Good to see you. I have a friend here I thought you might wanna see.

Good. Just run one more scenario,

Got it, got it,

Great. That‘s great. So you‘re saying we‘re never gonna see you.

Greta Mussman before she pulls her rotator cuff.

H ey.

Halfthe men I know are completely unworthy of the opportunities they‘ve had.

Has been trying to get you to take her daughter out for months?

Have seemed a little strange and maybe even a little scary.

Having my heart broken or starting to doubt myself,

He actually had to miss school one day because he couldn‘t fit into any ofhis pants.

He calls early.

He can only offer himselfas a guide to other fearful people.

He has a healthy self—confidence. I can tell from his posturing.

He just had that kind of aura about him. You took one look at this kid,

He looks so good these days. You should see him. He‘s been working out with a trainer.

He needs my help or else he‘ll go to the bathroom over everything.

He wanted to do something different with his life.

He was always blessed. He got my genes.

He‘s always relied on the kindness ofstrangers.

He‘s looking very trim because she don‘t know how to cook.

He‘s the president ofthe synagogue, and his wife.

Hello ? Pick up the phone.

Hello, boys.

Hello, Radioman.

Hello? What‘s going on? Anna?

Her face swells up like a chipmunk. She goes,

Here. Don‘t—— Here. Thankyou.

Here‘s the thing,Jake.

Hey, Anna, come here, we‘re doing shots. Just gotta borrow her for one second.

Hey, come on, admit it You’re excited This is gonna be great

Hey, hey, excuse me. I think we work pretty hard for a tough——

Hey, hey, no, seriously, seriously, a toast, a toast. To Anna.

Hey, hey! Hey, A.D.D. boy! Right here!

Hey, look at me.

Hey, we got two cases delivered, by the way.

Hey, what if you guys came with me?

Hi this is Anna. Only three people have this number.

Hi.

His father and his brother Ethan both tried to convince him to join them at the family firm.

His father was a diplomat. He was always saying he couldn‘t get a parking ticket...

Hmm ? Working hard?

Hmm? [Sniffs]

Hmm.

Hold it.

Hold on a second. I wanna tell you something. Listen.

Hold that thought.

How about, ”I‘ve been waiting for someone like you my whole life,

How did you stay such a skinny kid in this household with you cooking like this?

How do you think it‘s goin‘?

How much you want something exactly like this to happen to you, and when it comes,

How nice. I gotta hear this from you.

How you doin‘?

Huh?

I almost didn‘t ‘cause I was so mad at you.

I am in love with a rabbi.

I am sorry—— I‘m very sorry—— that I put too little faith in you.

I am talking to a priest who went on a bender...

I assume your brother knows all about this.

I bet no one ever asks the Dalai Lama these questions.

I can tell, and, hey, come on, call mejake, all right?

I can‘t bear that I hurt you.

I can‘t have you out there thinking that my feelings foryou...

I can‘t laugh. My spleen hurts, I‘m so full.

I couldn‘t do that for him.

I dealtwith it. It‘s over, and I don‘t——

I do shots.

I do. We‘re doing a hostile takeover ofCongregation Bertov Sholem.

I don‘t blame you.

I don‘t do penance.

I don‘t doubt myself because ofyou.

I don‘t even know where to begin, Brian.

I don‘t know what to do, Brian.Just tell me what to do, and I will do it.

I don‘t know what to say.

I don‘t know what to say.

I don‘t know. I‘ll tell you something.

I don‘t mean spirit. I know I‘m fun to hang out with.

I don‘t need a chaperone. Ijust need some help. Come on. Guys, please?

I don‘t think I‘d be sitting here right now.

I don‘t think so.

I don‘t thinkthere‘s room in it for what I‘ve spiritually committed to.

I don‘t wanna talk about it. Iwould talk about it ifl wanted to talk about it.

I don‘t wanna talk about this anymore. Get it?

I envy him, ‘cause this would be so easyifl was him.

I feel like the best version of myselfaround you, and that makes me doubt everything else.

I feel likel should askyou for my penance.

I go every week now, and I noticed this little painting.

I got it, man. No, I got it. Let me.

I got something foryou.

I got this beautiful garden. I‘ve reconnected with this great old friend.

I gotta get some E—mailing done.

I gotta quit playin‘ guys from ******* Theological Seminary. It really lowers the bar.

I guess you really can‘t do that too much with yourjob,

I had an impulse to call you last night and didn‘t ‘cause I thought itwould be too late.

I have a relationship with my phone.

I have been violating that trust.

I have something simple that I‘d like to discuss with you.

I have to call Don. I‘ll do itwhen I get home.

I have to tell you what ”kosher“ means? Study your gemara !

I just wanna say one thing, and then I will go away.

I just wanted to pull you offinto security and give you a cavity search.

I keeps everybody—— myselfincluded—— on their toes.

I know myself. What does that mean?

I know you love her. / love her too.

I know, and you were this tough, sexy, straight—ahead businesswoman.

I know, I know, I know, but you have to be patient with them.

I know, I know, I know. You like to shake things up,

I know, okay? All right? I mean——

I know. It‘s definitely Manischewitz time.

I know. You know, I think whoever said it, it was really true.

I like the little ”mysterioso” quality. It‘s very sexy, turns me on.

I love you.

I love you. That‘s what you‘re trying to say,

I made a mistake.

I mean, come on, sometimes that‘s not enough.

I mean, I brought in the band.

I mean, I loveyou, but—but—but...

I mean, I thinkl‘m an idiot.

I mean, is this you too? Doyou feel the same way?

I mean, she laughed for about ten minutes, but she was excited.

I mean, things are really strange between us now.

I mean, you write your own sermons, right?

I mean,you should‘vejust told me. You should‘vejust told me.

I order dessert, she says she doesn‘t want any. I get pecan pie.

I quit smoking two years ago. When people smoke in front ofme...

I really admire your commitment.

I really am. To my work, to ministering to people.

I really would, butl don‘t know where I‘m going yet.

I sent the invitations out yesterday. We‘ve got the karaoke machine.

I should‘ve never had that sex talk with you on the bridge that day.

I stand before you...

I suck.

I suppose you have your speech all prepared.

I take Tae—bo now. It‘s doubled my energy.

I tell you something. I don‘t know which feels worse:

I thankyou forlistening to me.

I think that would‘ve made me really happy in some weird way.

I think we can all agree that was a backwards step.

I think we should just keep it simple.

I think we should toss this. We looklike idiots.

I thinkyou‘ll find that people will go a lot farther...

I thought you wanted me,

I totally forget how amazing New York is.

I wanna get an image ofa young rabbi on the prowl. What‘s your game, man?

I wanna get the karaoke machine. Am I interrupting something?

I wanna talk. I‘ve got all these things on my mind. I wanna vent.

I want everybody in the back to come forward and fill up these first three rows here.

I want to bring my friend Brian and his girlfriend Anna, like a double date.

I want to French—kiss them just to suck the smoke out oftheir lungs, okay?

I want to push people to grow and expand. Otherwise, what are we doing?

I wanted to say that I thinkl handled things really badly and I‘m sorry.

I was faxed one oftheir daughters‘ resumes this morning.

I was so happyl could die. [Chuckles]

I wonder why she called you.

I would love to, Ijust have—— I gotta——| have a friend at home.

I would‘ve given it all up.

I—I think it might be a little weird for him.

I, um——

I‘d like to talk about something a little more personal.

I‘d like to talk toyou. Am I on speakerphone?

I‘d say, I‘m sorry, too bad, that‘s the way it is. You have to deal with it.

I‘ll be back in the office in an hour. Run it again. God, I hate these Harvard guys.

I‘ll call you as soon as the board makes a decision.

I‘ll tell you what I know.

I‘m a halfPunjabi Sikh, one—quarter Tamil separatist.

I‘m afraid I can‘t do that, sir.

I‘m completely committed to what I do.

I‘m for simple.

I‘m gonna do that. I gotta call her, but right now, I‘m taking a breakfrom dating.

I‘m having a great time. Let‘sjust have fun, okay?

I‘m having fun too. This is a lotta fun. Whoo, fun!

I‘m in love with you.

I‘m in love withjake.

I‘m looking for my old friend, Rabbijacob Schram, and there he is.

I‘m not gonna bring your computer. You gotta rest, okay?

I‘m not gonna do that tonight.

I‘m not gonna talk about the meaning ofGod...

I‘m not gonna tell you what I wore on my date. Why should I do that?

I‘m not saying let‘s get married. All I‘m saying...

I‘m not sorry for loving her.

I‘m proud ofyou no matter what.

I‘m ready.

I‘m saying that I love you.

I‘m saying we have totally different priorities. Look at your life.

I‘m saying, you know, you‘re—— I just thinkyou‘d want to do something about it.

I‘m serious! I‘m serious ! You gotta show Him what Alan Klein‘s made of.

I‘m so embarrassed, |——

I‘m sorry that you found out about it this way. It sucks!

I‘m sorry, I‘m sorry.

I‘m sorry.

I‘m the king of rock. There ain‘t none higher.

I‘m the person to offer objective advice on this particular confession.

I‘m tryin‘ to sprinkle a little fairy dust here! I‘m tryin‘ to tell a story.

I‘m very sorryl didn‘t get to see you two together.

I‘m—I‘m glad you saved it, ‘cause it‘s definitely less weird for me now.

I‘m—I‘m stunned. I mean, I‘m—I‘m stunned. I‘m—I‘m paralyzed.

I‘ve been a priest over 40 years,

I‘ve been feeling all ofthese feelings lately.

I‘ve been thinking about it, and I‘m excited,

I‘ve been trying to get up there for the last hour, but it‘s like the Pentagon with T—Bone.

I‘ve been violating it because I haven‘t been sharing my life with you.

I‘vejust been having so much fun and...

Icouldn‘t follow it. She like this very high—powered business, you know——

Idon‘t have relationships. Idon‘t have time for relationships.

Idon‘t know.]ews want their rabbis to be the**** they don‘t have time to be.

Idon‘t want to listen to any ofyou !

Ifl have to stay here for two days, I‘ll give them whatever the hell I had.

Ifl was a rabbi,you could fall in love with me without guilt.

Ifl was to tell you that I love you...

Ifshe had kissed me back,

Ifthe guy wouldjust go down the middle. Like Sprewell, same thing. Hey.

Ifthey feel they‘re being led and not pushed!

Ifyou are a priest, orifyou marryawoman,

In most ways, we were like any other two kids in New York,

In ways that, I think, challenge us notjust as****, but as human beings.

Into a joint Catholic—je w1sh senior center/karaoke lounge——

Is / think you should be honest with yourself..

Is a real problem for me.

Is I am in love with you, and I wanna give it a real shot, that‘s all I‘m saying.

Is it me, or is confession getting a little touchy—feely these days?

Is my son a good kisser?

It defines me completely as a person, and it fulfills me.

It gets very complicated. I‘m reading Dianetics.

It means that all these mothers keep making these dates for me that I can‘t refuse.

It might be hard foryou to accept, but the fact you‘re not*******...

It was a watercolor by Bonnard. I probably passed it every single time,

It wouldn‘t hurt you to call her, because her family is very wealthy.

It‘s a hunch that there is something bigger connecting it all,

It‘s a little bit expensive, but let me tell you, it‘s worth it.

It‘s a little more comp—— it‘s a little more complicated than that.

It‘s customary to sneak out after the communion.

It‘s foryou. Who‘s calling at this hour ? This is barbaric.

It‘s hard enough without binding yourselfto another total idiot.

It‘s hard to see your son... as a man.

It‘s my God—given right to check. What about that Shapiro girl?

It‘s not in reference to anything.

It‘s not your ideas. Your ideas are very good.

It‘s notjust the board. It‘s your congregation,Jake.

It‘s notyourfault.

It‘s personal. Ifyou could go up there and tell anybody thatjake Schram is here, okay?

It‘s the same challenge.

It‘s the vows, isn‘t it?

It‘s the vows. They make you feel guilty. I can‘t believe it.

It‘s totally great. It‘s so fine.

It‘s true, he‘s punishing me a little too much for it, but it was my fault.

It‘sJake.

It‘sjust, tonight, I really didn‘t wanna be one.

It’s a prayer about praising the L ord,

It’s a very simple situation. You ’re in love with her, she’s in love with you,

Ithinkyou will find, Rabbi Schram, that this princess is no pushover.

Iwanna see ifl can work it out.

Iwill.

J ’Cause / ’ve been just waitin’J

J ’Cause / ’ve been just waitin’J

J / could ne ver be the puzzle piecesJ

J / feel completed like it’sJ

J / feel completedJ

J / feel it could be thereJ

J / feel it could be thereJ

J / got a joke /’ve beenJ

J / just knowit You know that / want jesse ’s girlJ

J / never had no problems YeahJ

J / see in your hairJ

J / see in your hairJ

J /’m not what’s missingJ

J /’m runnin’ down the one—night standsJJ

J /’m through with waitin’J

J /f e verythin ’ glitterin ’J

J /f e verything glitterin ’J

J /f e verything glitterin ’J

J Been living with nothing to show for itJ

J Been living with nothing to show for itJ

J But lately something changed that ain ’t hard to defineJ

J But not very good J

J But there ’5 somethin’ so easyJ

J But there ’5 something so easyJ

J Do you wanna know,‘

J Do you wanna knowJ

J Don ’t wanna know where you areJ

J Down that roadJ

J Dying to tell youJ

J Ein Keloheinu J

J For this heartJ

J For this heartJ

J For you to arrest the devilJ

J From your life nowJ

J Give up the thing you lo veJJ

J HeartJ

J How you’re sweet to meJ

J How you’re sweet to meJ

J I‘m ready to take a chance again J

J I’ll tell you why /J

J It‘s all very nice J

J just to see what you can standJ

J Kept it from you forso longJ

J Kept so quietJ

J Like it’s somethin’ / neededJ

J MineJ

J MineJ

J MineJ

J MineJ

J MineJ

J MineJJ

J My life goes along as it shouldJ

J No crisis arises J

J Nojolts, no surprises J

J PleasesJ

J Ready to take a chance again J

J Saying that God makes problemsJ

J So though we cannot knowJ

J Somehow tonightJ

J Somehow tonightJ

J Somethin’ / neededJ

J Somethin’ worth sa vin ’J

J Somethin’ worth sa vin ’J

J That change would do me rightJ

J That change would do me rightJ

J There ’5 always somethin’ so tragicJ

J There’s always somethin’so tragicJ

J This heartJ

J To make the noise that /J

J Want to knowit to be realJJ

J What you feel nowJ

J What you thinkin’J

J Will turn into the goldJ

J Will turn into the goldJ

J Will turn into the goldJ

J You get what you get when you go for itJ

J You get what you get when you go for itJ

J You’re still a m ysteryJ

J You’re still a m ysteryJ

J/ want you takin’J

JAbout a hopeless romanticJ

JAbout a hopeless romanticJ

Jackie‘s got him on this regimen. He looks very trim and slim. He looks good.

Jake, Bonnie Rose. I don‘t think you‘ve met my daughter, Rachel.

Jake, I can see you. What are you doing?

JAnd do you wanna findJ

JAnd he‘s always been a good friend ofmine J

JAnd she‘s loving him with that body of hers J

JAnd she‘s watching him with those eyes J

JAnd/’mJ

JAndhesitatin’ with this heartJ

JAndhesitatin’ with this heartJ

JAndhesitatin’J

Jesus, what happened?

**** don‘t do that. We—We plant trees.

JJ [ Continuing In Hebrew With Gospel Beat]

JJ [ Whistling /n S tairwell ]

JJ [ Whistling Resumes]

JJ [Continues]

JJ [Humming]

JJ [Man Singing In Foreign Language]

JJ[ Hebrew]

JJ[Singing]

JJesse got himselfa girl and I want to make her mine J

Just because you happen to be one of His crew, you know?

Just come on!

Just remember: ”spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet.”

Just say ”I love thatl suck.”

Just to see ifwe work?

JWith you J

JWith you, and I‘m ready to take that chance again JJ

Keep me company?

L ook at me. / ’m your friend and /’m telling you,

Larry, Ellen, what the—— What are you doing here?

Learned my stripes by getting through a bris without fainting.

Let me get this straight:

Let‘sjust hold hands and breathe, hmm?

Let‘sjust take it from the top.

Like Len‘s endless Howard Stern recountings.

Listen to me. There‘s a reason whyyour brother isn‘t here.

Listen to me. This dog is a codependent little puppy.

Listen to what you‘re saying. ”Not enough”?

Listen to you, you‘re like—— That‘s incredible.

Listen, I—I‘ve been thinking about stuff, and—and—and Ijust want you to know I‘m sorry.

Listen, there ’5 some things that / ’ve been thinking about

Listen, who‘s talking about feeling guilty?

Long ”."A Didn‘t you see the ” Behind the Music” ?

Long flight. I know. Well, okay.

Look at me.

Look at the city.

Look, do me a favor. This is a very, very important thing to me.

Look, I have it right here in front ofme, and it‘s not right.

Look, I‘m sorry, I have to say this.

Look, maybe you‘re right, but can‘t you see that you‘re asking me...

Ma‘am, you in the back. Yes,you. Come on!

Make your own decisions about what‘s important to you.

Man, I was really starting to think I had a few things figured out there.

Maury, ifyou would.

May God turn their hearts.

May He turn their ankles,

May those who love us love us.

Me too. I mean, I gotta talk to the Big Guy.

Mine are really bad, and I thinkl need to get it off——

Mm—hmm.

Mmdoywmcll?

Mmm ! Rachel Rose.

Mmm. That‘s a good color foryour eyes.

Mom,

Mom, he never called in fat. Come on, give the guy a break.

Most rabbis try to cram a whole year‘s...

Mostly horrible with a few brief moments ofexcruciating agony,

Mrs. Katz likes to sing "Ein Keloheinu" the way she knows it.

My best friend has been lying to me for months.

My dad just wanted to know if working for God came with dental.

My grandfather and my father were moils.

My mother always called me her ’gift from God " That reallystucl< with me,

My sister‘s married a******* doctor from Newjersey,

Ne wly ordained as masters of theology,

Need it, got it.

Need it, need it, got it, got it,

Neither of us is in a position to say what the other one does or does not do...

No more ofthis ”woman behind the man” shit.

No one thing defines me.

No pain, no gain!

No, | work harder than God. IfHe had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.

No, and certainly not in that voice.

No, Brian, I can‘t! [Panting]

No, but you’re still gonna get a spankin’.

No, hey, come on. I know him. You start. Catch us up.

No, I can‘t. |—|—— You‘re a congregant.

No, I know. I thinkthat tequila shot made me a little giddy.

No, I mean really. My mother‘s firm does all my P.R.

No, I think now would be a good time.

No, I was kidding.

No, I‘ll be right there. Okay.

No, I‘m definitely, definitely still mad.

No, I‘m going to. Don‘t worry.

No, I‘mjust saying that I want to meet somebody in a spontaneous, casual manner,

No, Ijust—— I don‘t know.

No, it was between you and her. Then you mucked things up. Now it‘s between you and me.

No, look. I‘ve heard all ofthose,

No, no, no, come on, I wanna go. The place closes in 20 minutes.

No, no, no, I mean, they really respect you. It‘s amazing.

No, no, no, no, no, you gotta stretch.

No, no, no! Don‘t, don‘t!

No, Tuesday‘s not good for me. I gotta mourn with the Schwartzes.

No, wait You know what .7 / remember exactly how we met,

No, you are in love with me, youjerk.

No, you‘re not. It wasjust an impulse.

No! No, no, no, I am. I‘m just—I‘m just——

No! No, no, no, no.Just she needs someone to, you know, go with her.

No.

No. I mean——| mean, I‘m with an old friend.

No. I‘m in love with her.

No. No.

Not an easy idea to sell to some of the higher—ups,

Not quiteyet. Maybe soon, though.

Not really. Flirtations, little moments.

Notjust my feelings forjake,

Now you guys get the dishes, and the ladies will talk.

Now, give me somethin‘ I can work with, folks. Shabbat shalom!

Now, ifyou‘ll excuse us, we‘ve got some dancing to do.

Now, jal

Now,/al

Ofcourse I will. You know I will.

Ofcourse, |‘ll expect it in writing by the end ofthe day.

Ofcourse. Now, what about these kids?

OfTalmudic precedent that requires your immediate attention.

Ofthe******* calendar,

Oh ! Tuesdays with Morrie. I love that book.

Oh, ”Our Lady‘s Bedstraw.” The most poetic herb. [ Inhales]

Oh, Brian.

Oh, did I stutter?A|l right, Phi|,you know what ?I don‘t have time for this.

Oh, did you get the discs from Don?

Oh, do you, uh, do these tapes?

Oh, God. please let this be painless.

Oh, God. What do I know?

Oh, guys, come on! Let‘s try one more time. Shabbat shalom.

Oh, he‘s late.

Oh, hmm, what about Thursday night? I think they can do Thursday night.

Oh, I don‘t know. I—— I thought you‘d be excited.

Oh, I used to take kickboxing, but I found it too high—impact.

Oh, I‘ll bet. So, what‘s your chick situation?

Oh, look at those pomegranates, huh .7

Oh, man, help me out. Come on, come on.Just two guys, ”."T

Oh, man. What is that? What is it?

Oh, my God !

Oh, my God, you look so beautiful together.

Oh, my. Wow, that‘s sexy.

Oh, no wonder she was crying.

Oh, Rabbijacob Schram? Oh, hello.

Oh, she was beautiful. She looked like Carole Lombard.

Oh, that‘s wonderful.

Oh, this is the man you were telling—— Right. Yes, sir.

Oh, um, don‘t ask. It‘s—It‘s—It‘s not a good story.

Oh, wait a minute! Listen to what you‘re saying.

Oh, yeah ? Check this out.

Oh, yes. It always is. Everybody thinks their story is the one with the twist.

Oh, you‘re amazing.

Oh.

Oh. Are you okay?

Oh. Is that bad or good?

Okay Well, if those results are correct, then /sa y we have a deal.

Okay, all right. You want an example? I take her to dinner.

Okay, do you wanna share anything?

Okay, how much does it cost exactly?

Okay, I hope you didn‘t think you werejust stroll over here after a couple weeks...

Okay, ifwe could have your attention, please. We‘d like to kick this offofficially.

Okay, let‘s get a few things straight here,]ake.

Okay, my mom was the only person in the room...

Okay, okay, okay, all I‘m saying,Jake,

Okay, okay. Forget about that. You do want to meet somebody, right?

Okay, okay. It‘s okay. Take a break. Take a break.

Okay, think about who was the coolest woman you and I have ever known, ever.

Okay, um, all right.

Okay, wait a second. Are we gonna have the sex talk?

Okay, with people actually enjoying services ? People showing up at all ?

Okay, yes, you are, you are, but you‘re our workaholic, and we‘re very proud ofyou.

Okay, yes. Yes, I am. I‘m in a very good mood.

Okay, you do that.

Okay, you got me. Take me away. Okay.

Okay, you know what ? Don‘t tell me. I don‘t even need to know.

Okay? I don‘t usually do this,

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. ‘Cause you know better than that, right?

Okay. Come in for one second. Come in for one second.

Okay. Now, tell me, Father, how long has it been since your last drink?

Okay. Thanks.

Okay. Um,

Okay. Yes, you do. You suck.

On the first woman I‘ve ever had any real romantic feeling for?

One time—— once, when I was reallyyoung, we had——

One: | likeyou a lot,

Ooh, baby, no. We gotta save room for dessert.

Or because I‘m Rabbijake.

Or if / took you for granted, / am so sorry

Or ifl still love her—— which I do... very much.

Or the situation in Israel or the status of**** around the world.

Oryou could stick around, okay?

Our first big idea was to turn this abandoned gay disco...

Over 70! Come on! All theyoung****!

Ow!

People should have to qualify to go out with you.

People, it was a popular film with Brad Pitt. You have the ultimate Cliff Note.

Perfect. Middle Eastern. She can order in Arabic. Give her a chance to shine.

Please don‘t spoil this, hmm? I got you. I‘m proud ofyou.

Please, call me, okay, Finn .7 Brian, call Anna. Please to call

Please, don‘t go.

Please, we were so young We were kids.

Pretend you ’re a couple. What’s wrong with that .7 What are you, busy .7

Rabbi [Speaking Hebrew]

Rabbi jacob Schram.

Rabbi Lewis. Anna, this is Rabbi Lewis. Rabbi Lewis——

Rabbi Schram.

Rabbi, rabbi—— [Continues, Indistinct]

Rachel Rose, 29 years old. Columbia School ofjournalism. Middle East affairs expert.

Really? Is it like a—— something—— big thing?

Reconnecting with this part of myself that has been shut down for a long time.

Reilly .7 L et me guess: She became a nun .7

Religion was really more of a hobby for him at first

Remember she stuck that under her shirt ?And you said you were pregnant.

Saying, ” Don‘t go here. She‘s——”

See, she doesn‘t even know the difference between a hobby and a skill.

Shabbat shalom, everyone.

Shalom.

She asks me for a bite. I give her a bite.

She grabbed me. It was in the alley behind my church.

She pressed me against the wall. She kissed me. [Sighs ]

She put God on the speed dial. I called it, it was the Elvis Presley Museum.

She was so happy, she cried

She‘s a good cook. You might find that out ifyou ever tried some of her food.

She‘s good. She‘s actually here tonight.

She‘s leaving tonight, which I know you know and don‘t wanna talk about.

She‘s, like, analyzing synergies or synergizing analogies or some such thing.

Since the US. hockey team beat the Russians. [Giggling]

Since Yom Kippur is kinda like the Super Bowl...

Sir, you‘re leaving. Why——

Sit back. Relax.

So all I have to do is look around the room at this packed church...

So let us pray.

So maybe in the future, we don‘t have to do this whole name thing.

So she took these little ones and left you.

So talk, vent ! Come on, vent! Go ahead, vent!

So we may know them by their limping.

So what ?So what .7 You know how much / care about her.

So what are you packin‘ there, something like 280,290?

So you gotta come back at Him. Yougotta say, "Hey, hashem,

So, have you ever?

So, this is a rectory. It sounds like a dirty word—— ”rectory.”

So, this morning, I‘ve decided to bring in a little outside help.

So, what‘d you wear?

Sol decided to try Mr. Casanova here. By the way, his name is Howard.

Sol thought I‘d put in for a transfer and stay here.

Sorry, Ijust was finishing up. Howyou doin‘?

Sorry, it‘s the truth ! She‘s a woman! She‘s not the Virgin Mary!

Sorry?

Sort ofa Fiddler on the Roof meets Lord ofthe Dance meets Buena Vista Social Club.

Suck. This doesn‘t work.

T—Bone, look at me. Look at me. Don‘t you recognize my face?

Take it on the chin foryou, after the way you treated her?

Take me with you.

Take your hands off of me!

Takes at least ten years to know yourselfwell enough to stop being a total idiot.

Taxi !

Tell me about it. It‘s embarrassing.

Telling the Lord how much we love Him... or Her.

Test, test. Sibilance, sibilance.

Thank you Okay

Thanks, guys, for being so dutiful.

Thanks, I had a wonderful time. See you in shul !

Thankyou.

Thankyou.

Thankyou. I‘m gonna miss you guys.

That ’5 very good All right, / gotta pee.

That / think we can hit

That a Catholic priest had a crush on my secret girlfriend.

That can look around the house and when there are no paper towels,

That didn‘t work. I brought in my bongos last week.

That ifyou don‘t find a nice ******* girl and settle down in the next six months...

That is so unfair.

That it doesn ’t come as easily for most people as it does for you

That moron broke up with you, and you called your old friend, the priest.

That one is okay, but ifyou really serious about karaoke——

That particular sacrifice is a gesture. It‘s a symbol of my commitment.

That you keep making again and again and again.

That‘s a good point. Alphabetical.

That‘s all right. Do it now.

That‘s all, and it‘s almost impossible with me.

That‘s all. I wasjust wondering why I never saw it before.

That‘s easy. Anna Reilly, eighth grade, no question.

That‘s me—— chic, but with a quiet power.

That‘s nice. How much ?

That‘s not the problem, and you know it.

That‘s not true.

That‘s right ! Get up ! Get those butts out ofthe chairs. Come on!

That‘s so fantastic. A made rabbi. How does it feel?

That‘s the guy‘s problem. He‘s afraid to drive.

That‘s the Rabbi Schlomo Schneerson rookie card.

That‘s what I was trying to tell you.

That‘s wonderful, th—that headband.

The Audio 2000.

The chairs are all set up the way we want ‘em.

The contractor wants to do a walk—through on Tuesday next week. Can you do that?

The cu—— the cute one?

The guy‘s in the back. I can‘t find him. Hey, listen.

The Iraqi defense minister just committed suicide.

The meal was so good. This was so good. Thankyou.

The point is, every time | go out with a woman, Idon‘t know ifshe likes me for me...

The Seven Deadly Sins?

The Seven Deadly Sins. Who can name...

The sign hasn‘t changed.

The status ofyou and me.

The summer after eighth grade, Anna ’5 father got a job in California,

The three of us hanging together again. Ican‘t believe it.

The truth is, I don‘t really learn that much about your faith by asking questions like that.

The truth is, you can never tell yourself ..

Then you say, ”Thankyou, Don.”

Then you‘ll go out with a bang, huh?

There are a few backwards thinkers on that board whojust don‘t get what I do.

There are no paper towels.

There is only one thing you could be.

There is.

There‘s a reason you gotta do your haftorah at this age. It‘s a challenge.

There‘s not been a bachelor head rabbi at B‘Nai Ezra since the beginning ofthe synagogue.

There‘s nothing else that‘s worth anything against that. You know it.

These tapes are my life. Exercise is like a religion to me.

They asked me to run the high—tech group back in San Francisco.

They go to the store and buy some paper towels !

They‘re very intimidating. They‘re like the ” Kosher Nostra.”

Thinkwe should say anything to Brian?

This baby got I 6—bit dual D.A. converter,

This could take a while,Jake. Go home.

This happens in all cultures. It‘s about you being 13 years old.

This is a house ofworship! Do you know what my grandfather would do ifhe saw this?

This is astonishing! This is a shul!

This is Brian, by the way, in case you were wondering

This is exciting We don ’t get a lot celebrities in here.

This is my apartment. You get out.

This is my buddy, Anna. These are people—— This is Larry Friedman.

This is my daughter, Ruthie. She ’s in college. She ’s gonna be a physiotherapist

This is New York City. Who waits for a sign ? Cross the damn street!

This is so impressive. Wow!

This is why I love New York.

This is you and me, right? I thought we were supposed to be just having a good time.

This isn‘t a talent contest. This is a rite of passage.

Those aren‘t really questions about faith, those are questions about religion,

Those things are me. Do you understand that ? I can‘t separate them out.

Thought maybe we could do dinner this week, you know, just you and me.

Three—beam tracking,

To be serenaded by the Harlem freaking Gospel Choir?

To connect with that feeling—— that is an act offaith.

To know that we‘re doing pretty well as a community,

To risk losing everything that‘s important to me...

To run the world and lead the exciting life.

Together. [Inhales Deeply]

True New Yorkers understand that people living anywhere else must be,

Trust me, you have no idea the nightmare I‘m in for now.

Trust me. What‘s going on here? What‘s this really about?

Two seconds. Two seconds.

Two years now. No communicado.

Uh—uh—uh. It‘s set to vibrate.

Uh, |—— I just can‘t do that. I got a thing.

Uh, could we get offthe phone, maybe?

Uh, Debbie ?

Uh, Debbie, this isJake. Jake, vice versa.

Uh, it‘s been about a minute and a halfsince my last drink.

Um, I would love to,

Um, I‘m not gonna punch you.

Um, that‘s... unexpected.

Unless you accept that it‘s a choice...

Until you learn to put a little faith in other people.

Up in the cheap seats!

Very good. ”Talmudic.” Where‘d you learn that?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you seriously telling me...

We don‘t see certain things until we‘re ready to see ‘em... in a certain way.

We got a lot to celebrate tonight, barring an interfaith rumble, at our opening.

We have a chemistry together. I can‘t explain it.

We have aJake Schram here for Anna Reilly.

We knew we should’ve told you, but we just weren ’t sure ho w you ’d react

We live in a really complex world,

We thought it would be the better choice.

We were both assigned back to New York City..

We were fascinated with each other’s religions.

We were gonna shove ’em a little if we had to.

We‘re different in so many ways that have nothing to do with whetheryou‘re*******.

We‘re still friends. Jesus, I hope we‘re still friends.

Wednesday night, you have a due diligence call at 7:00 and a dinner at 8:00.

Well, anyway, we reconnected a couple months ago, this was,

Well, as for me and jal

Well, can you cancel it ? ‘Cause we‘re gettin‘ really behind schedule here.

Well, do what they do. Take lovers. I‘ve had more dates thanJake.

Well, exactly. So why throw it away?

Well, I appreciate what you did for us in the war.

Well, I mean, sometimes...

Well, I‘m still on West Coast time. It‘s only 8:00 my time. Let‘s go do something.

Well, I‘m tellin‘you,

Well, I‘ve heard so much about you, I had to come and see for myself.

Well, ifyou thinkI had no life before, I mean, I‘ll disappear.

Well, it—— Brian, would you explain it to him?

Well, looks like I‘m goin‘ to Baghdad.

Well, now I lost my momentum, so go ahead. What do you want to say? What?

Well, these are my movie girls, Roz and Chaya Lentz.

Well, this is prettyimpulsive for me.

Well, what‘s up?

Well, with guided meditation, specifically.

Well, you know, people don’t talk that much about a calling anymore,

Well, you‘re a good priest.

What ?

What ?

What ?

What ?

What a mess. I‘m sorry.

What a shaineh maidel you are. Look at this.

What about you ?Are you guys talking, working this out or anything?

What are you doing ?What do you want me to do, fiagellate myself?

What are you saying?

What are you talking about? You‘re going to San Francisco...

What are you wasting your time with an old friend when Emma Gerber...

What could possibly be holding you back at this point?

What did you expect? Did you think she wasjust gonna, like,

What do you do with that victory energy at the end ofthe day?

What do you think ? We‘re buying a turkey. No, we‘re seeing a movie.

What do you think?

What doyou need to work it out?

What happened?

What happens next? Anybody. Ah!

What kind ofa plan is that? You know how God works.

What matters is that I shouldn‘t have been afraid to discuss it with you.

What the hell does the 21 st century have to do with anything?

What were we talking about?

What would people at work think ifthey knew you were sleeping with a rabbi?

What would you say to me .7

What, do we all need signs to tell us what to do now .7 Come on!

What? Weren‘t they really close, though?

What? You‘re a natural. You radiate. What——

What‘s scary is when you spend ten years going after things you thought were important,

What‘s up, my man ?What are you—— What are you doing here?

When he made his decision to become a rabbi, he did it with great confidence and resolve.

When you look at me, when you look at my life, do you say to yourself,

Where I just crave contact.

Where we quickly confronted the practical aspects of our jobs.

Which is a very long story.

Which is not bad when you‘re starting out,

Whoa !

Whoa ! Holy majoly!

Whoa—whoa—whoa! That‘s okay. Hey, here.

Whoa, whoops! Toll booth.

Whoo—hoo!

Whoo! Let‘s go dance.

Whyl could—— Oh! Oh! Oh!

Will you now please turn to page 508 for "Ein Keloheinu" ?

With much authority, wouldn‘t you say?

With stand—up comedy sermons, specifically.

With your loose, improvisational style, specifically.

Women look at you even though they know you‘re a priest——

Worth ofsermons into one kind of big ” best ofi‘ sermon.

Would you, um, like to come up fora nightcap?

Wow

Wow, 20 minutes. I can‘t believe we made it this far.

Wow.

Yeah, / know what you mean. / take Native American drumming

Yeah, but Ben, come on. I mean, it was working!

Yeah, but it was New York, it was the ‘805. You could get away with anything.

Yeah, good. Ijust mean it could get a little complicated.

Yeah, he‘s stuck in the Hamptons, but he‘s checking in.

Yeah, I got a blonde in the back. [Blows Raspberry]

Yeah, I‘m sorry, Raphae. Just hang on one second here.

Yeah, it came as quite a shock to her, too, believe me.

Yeah, it‘s good ifyou‘re a cheap bastard.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, my friend, he gets a little warm.

Yeah, no, ‘cause, I mean, shejust didn‘t even mention that to me.

Yeah, okay. Well, it doesn‘t matter. I‘ll be home by tomorrow.

Yeah, well, chemistry‘s a funny thing.

Yeah, well, what do you expect, you know ?

Yeah. [Chuckles]

Yeah. Oh,yeah. Well, I wouldn‘t trust anybody else to get ‘em right.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes ! Yes !

Yes, but this is everything you‘ve worked for, right?

Yes, by the end ofthe day, Phil.

Yes, I do. Ijust——

Yes, ifwe were actually going out, I‘d say that was a scary situation.

Yes, it is. Are you speaking abstractly or specifically?

Yes, she was upset, but she was not angry.

Yes, thankyou for adding new depth to my confusion.

Yes, yes, indeed, Don, we do. Is this a good machine?

Yes, yes. What’s your point .7

Yes, you may, mayyou. I am Father Brian Finn.

Yes. Yes.

Yom Kippur is the day ofatonement.

You ’re incredible. /’ve been wanting to do that since you walked off that airplane.

You ’re not playing games with me are you, Phil ?Are you sure .7

You ’re probablystill at work. Not that important

You are making this too complicated

You better not lie in here. This is the big room.

You better start gettin‘ out there more.

You can even sing along. Come on!

You can‘tjust write her offlike one ofyour dates. I won‘t let you do it.

You cannot make a real commitment...

You cannot take Rachel Rose to Ernie ’s.

You could go out with anyone you want to. Why did you hone in...

You could‘ve guessed it would end up this way. You know yourself.

You could‘ve had a fling with anybody,Jake. Why did you pull Anna into your bed?

You couldjust say, ” Hey,Jake,” and I could say, ” Hey, ‘T—Bone.‘”

You do love her, don‘t you ?

You don‘t think he‘d understand?

You don‘t understand.

You gotta stretch, oryou‘re gonna tighten up. I‘m telling you.

You guys stay and talk.

You hadn‘t seen me in I 6 years.

You have a gift, and you know it.

You have a whole city full ofwomen, you know, at your feet.

You have to give me advice. That‘s what this is supposed to be about.

You kno w, we were gonna bring our religions into the 2 [st century any way we could

You know ? I mean, don‘t you want someone to share it with?

You know that she‘s leaving next week, right ?You do know that?

You know what ?This is not a nightmare. Okay ? So stop it.

You know what .7 L en, don ’t argue with me.

You know what my life is like,

You know where to find me. Call me, okay? Bye.

You know, "The God Squad "

You know, as a woman, on your own, trying to make your mark,

You know, he was smart, popular—— everything came easy to him.

You know, I saw your sarin gas report. It was very powerful.

You know, I was crying too. We had a very nice talk about it, to be honest.

You know, I‘ll bet the Middle East is lovely this time ofyear, huh?

You know, I‘m just gonna be packing.

You know, in the barn with Maggie.

You know, look. As pissed off as I was, the weird thing is...

You know, my daughter‘s been back from Libya a week.

You know, shejust got back from interviewing Arafat.

You know, that magical cross between /onny Quest and Tatum O’Neal in Foxes.

You know, there ’5 eight million people in New York,

You know, when you think about it,

You know, why—why now ? Why tell me like this?

You know, you‘re luckyl am a priest...

You know? Like, I wanna touch someone and be touched.

You know? Plus,there‘s the whole thing about me being single.

You must think I‘m such an idiot.

You need to ask yourself a simple question: Are you gonna do anything about it .7

You never told me this. What, did anything happen between you?

You should have. I was stuck here barking at Los Angeles.

You shouldn ’t be embarrassed A lot of people take aikido.

You shouldn ’t be embarrassed if it’s feng shui

You think He‘sjust gonna drop a gift like that in your lap a second time around...

You thinkyou can talk? This woman can talk.

You thinkyou‘re sorry now. Wait till you realize I went out that door...

You two should get together.

You walk away from it over a few very minor complications.

You wanna get it, let‘s get it, but be with me when we get it.

You wanna give me some special business terms sol sound like I know what I‘m talking about?

You were wonderful! Great!

You would stick with this and see where this relationship is going.

You‘re a man,Jake, a good man. I did a goodjob with you.

You‘re a Sikh Catholic Muslim with******* in—laws?

You‘re always trying to have these casual fiings and relationships,

You‘re my best friend, and I have been keeping all this stufffrom you,

You‘re my best friend. Would you please forgive me?

You‘re my friend, and ifl askyou something, you‘ll answer honestly, right?

You‘re my friend, and whatever else is going on,

You‘re not gonna tell me what to do here, are you?

You‘re on such a roll right now.

You‘re ridiculous.

You‘re such a wimp.

You‘re telling me that I should‘ve been sensitive to the possibility...

You‘ve explored your faith with me in ways that I know sometimes...

You‘ve got more spirit in you than halfthe goofballs running around in robes out there.

You‘ve shared your lives with me.

You‘ve, uh——

Youjust won‘t say it because you‘re scared ofwhat it involves.

Yourfaith is a huge part ofwhatl love aboutyou.

0h, get out L et me see that Ali Decker.

{Sn/pping/ — [ Baby Cries]

Hey, come on, come on, let‘s get this started. — Okay.

Hi. — Are you okay?

Hi. — Excuse me ifl say that I don‘t think...

Hi. — Wow, you‘re really gonna run an eight percent |.R.R.?

It is? —Yeah.

Now, are you gonna wearasuit or are you gonna go cas’ .7 —I don‘t know. I guess cas‘.

Oh. — It’s true.

Rabbi! — Hey! Holy—— Howyou doin‘?

Riff. — Oh. No, not really.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. —Hey![Chuckling]

Oh? — I‘m gonna letyou guys have itfor 1,300.

Well — I don‘t thinkI could take it.

— ‘cause he had diplomatic immunity. — [All Laugh]

— ‘Cause I‘d go with a 15 percent at least. — Hmm, stick with the Torah.

— ‘Cause you don‘t—— — It‘s like the end of WestSide Story It warms your heart.

— ” Really ?” Yeah, come on. I know you got a list. — Okay. Okay.

— ”Oh, my God, are there nuts in this ?” — So what ?

— [ Beeps] — [Anna] Hey, Brian, it‘s me again.

— [ Beeps] — I didn‘t understand the terms. Ijust said okay.

— [ Both Chuckle] | |

— [ Both Chuckle] — Believe me, you should.

— [ Breathless] I‘m fine.]ust get my bag. —You sure?

— [ Brian] RememberAram Salaam? —[]ake] Mm—hmm.

— [ Chuckling ] This I‘ve got to hear. — No, look,

— [ Continues Screaming] — [ Baby Continues Crying]

— [ Conveyor Starts ] — Whoa ! —]ake Schram.

— [ Gasps] Gotta go. Phil ?Gotta go. — [ Phone Clicks Off]

— [ Grunting] — [ Gasping]

— [ Grunting] — Okay. Okay! Okay, okay.

— [ Horns Honking] — You know, that’s the way the business is going

— [ L oud Thump] — Ow. No.

— [ Laughing] — Bring the pain. Say it, say it all.

— [ Laughing] — Let‘s give ourselves a hand. —This is your place.

— [ Laughing] Well, don‘t be a priest. I God.

— [ Laughs] — Thus endeth the sex conversation?

— [ Praying In Hebrew] — [jake] Feel the prana.

— [ Ringing] — [Chattering]

— [ Shouting] Shabbat shalom! — Thankyou, Mom.

— [ Sighs] — So, do you write your own reports, or how does that work?

— [ Sobbing] — Well, then disasterstrucl

— [All Laugh] — How ‘bout you with the basketball?

— [All Laughing] Hi.

— [All Laughing] —Sicko, sicko.

— [Beeping] — Excuse me.

— [Cheering] — Yeah, we were some trio.

— [Congregation Laughing] —I know. I know!

— [Continues] — Okay, good. I‘ll see you next week. Hello?

— [Debbie] What’s he doing .7 — I don‘t know.

— [Door Opens, Closes] [ Cryi ng ]

— [L en] Yeah, right — No, really, I‘m gonna miss a lot ofthings around here,

— [Line Ringing] — I‘m sorry, sir, there‘s no answer at her office.

— [Shouting] Shabbat shalom! — All right! Now we‘re ready to daven!

— [Whimpering] — Despite these early setbacks, we eventually found our groo ve.

— / can ’t Wednesday night / have a class. — Okay, what are these classes .7

— /’ve been acting like an idiot — So what are you saying,Jake?

— /don’t know Why don’t you .7 — Because I can‘t alienate these women.

— /fyou’re not one of them, leave me alone. — [ Ans wering Machine Beeps]

— /t was an adventure. — Ooof !

— A beautiful puppy named Pinchas. — Pooch can wait.

— A friend ? — A male friend. A guy.

— Ah, the girl — [ Sobbing ] Yeah.

— All ofthese people are members ofthe congregation. — Got it.

— Amen. — Amen.

— An absence ofsomething. — Ofthe cell phone.

— and find me in a good mood or something. — No, I know you‘re still mad.

— and I‘m only here fora little while. —Yes.

— and that‘s good. — When it works, yeah.

— And you told her about us? — Yeah, she fiipped, in a good way.

— And you were right — About what ?

— Anna .7 — She‘s gone, buddy. Move!

— Anna and I and Father Brian—— as children, we used to play. — Isn’t that nice .7

— Anna Reilly. —Anna! Anna, it‘sJake! Can you—— Can you see me?

— Are we clear about that,]ake? — Yes.

— Are you serious? —Tota|ly. It‘s——

— Are you some kind ofwuss? J Little wuss, little wuss J — No, I‘m not a wuss—— All right.

— Are you sure ? Okay. — Yes, but even ifI was, the rules are the same, right?

— Are you sure you don‘t want to talk about this? — Yes, I don‘t!

— At least they were praying! — Itwas a hell ofan "Ein Keloheinu, " La r.

— atliars! — All right, how‘d you find out?

— B—Brian, uh—— Oh, Brian. — No, it‘s okay. Trust me. Trust me, trust me.

— Believe me. — But good though, right?

— Booze, schmooze and cruise, dude. Ah !

— Breaking hearts, as always. — Brian, what are you doing here?

— Brian, I gotta go. I gotta go! — Yes, go!

— Brian, thankyou! Thanks! — What happened to free will? The power ofhuman agency?

— Brian, what‘s going on? — Looking smart

— Brian, you don‘t understand. — Right now, for the first time, I feel jealous ofjake.

— Brian? —What?

— Brian. Let me talk to you. — I picked the wrong gig. I can‘t believe it.

— Buenos dias, Padre. Bien. — Hola, Maria. Como esta .7

— but at least it was long. — I am so sorry. What a waste.

— But there it is. — Yeah. There what is? Come on, come on, man.

— Bye. — Bye.

— Bye. — Bye. Bye.

— Bye. See you, Shabazz. — Tell your mother I said ”hi.”

— Can I askyou a question? — Mm—hmm.

— Can I just tell you ? —Thankyou.

— Can we close your Levolor blinds? — Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

— Check it out. Right there, with the huge ficus plant. — All right.

— Come on, for a minute! —I can‘t!

— Come on, let‘s go. Yeah, come on. — Right now? Okay.

— Did you at least try to deny it? — Come on,Jake, she knew

— Did you come together? — No, no, no, no. Wejust——

— Do I have anything in my teeth? — Uh, let me see, no.

— Do you fantasize? — I have dreams sometimes, but not really.

— Don ? — Don. Rhyme with fian.

— Enjoy it. Okay? Hit it. — Okay.

— Everything. Me! — What do you mean?

— Everything‘s gonna be fine. I‘ve dealtwith it. — Dealt with what, with how?

— Excuse me, sir, may/ help you .7 — Yeah, hey. T—Bone, I gotta go see Anna.

— Excuse me. Folks, folks. I‘d like to make a toast. — [Brian] Rabbi jacob Schram .7

— Excuse me. W—What is that? — It‘s a cell phone.

— Feels good. — God. You know,

— Fourteen and a halfminutes. Please? — I have to go back to the mines.

— full of... somethin‘. — full ofsomethin‘.

— Get away from the table! — No, no, no!

— Get outta here with that. Is that real ? — Oh, yeah.

— Give me 20 minutes. Come on. —Twenty minutes?

— Give me the 411. I want to know.]ob, girls, news. Well

— Go on. — Can I talk to you... alone? Could I come over there?

— Good to see you again, Miss Reilly. — Good to see you again, Rabbi.

— Good—bye, Mr. Sharp—Dressed Man. — Bye—bye.

— Good. — It‘s so obvious you‘re thinking about her.

— Good. You play. — [ Phone Ringing]

— Great place to meet chicks. — Totally.

— Great! How do / work it out? — Okay,

— Hail... Mary, — Mary,

— Have a little fun with it! —JJ[Joining In]

— Havel got no spirit? —What?

— He broke up with you, didn‘t he? [CFying]

— He sho wed me the secret rituals of/udaism, — [ A rg u i n g ]

— He was always smoking pot. — [All Laugh]

— He writes beautiful sermons. —Thanks. Actually, I like to improvise a lot.

— He‘s a priest too? —jake? No.

— He‘s got a very hot prospect. Oh ? Who?

— He‘s in that, right? — No, I don‘t think so. Well,we should go.

— Hear, hear, as always. — Somebody‘s gotta feed all these skinny people.

— Hello? — [Jake Over Phone] You suck! You can do it!

— Hello? — Brian ?[Sniffiing]

— Hello. — Hello.

— Hey, Anna ? — I thought I got the Tony Robbins hot line by mistake.

— Hey, don‘t put this all on me. —Why, why?

— Hey, maybe ifyou called and congratulated him—— —I don‘t wanna talk about it.

— Hey, this is a great place. This is really nice. — Mylair.

— Hey, what is that? — What ?

— Hey, what‘s wrong? — I need to talk to you.

— Hey. Hi.

— Hey. — Hey, how you doing ? Perfect, great.

— Hey. — Hey.

— Hey. Brian. — Flan ? — Yes, you have any question?

— Hi again. Hey. — Hey. Hi.

— Hi,Jake. Oh, hi.

— Hi. How areyou? — I‘m good. Howyou doing?

— Hi. Howyou doin‘? —Hi. Hi,Jake.

— Hi. Nice to meetyou. — Bonnie Rose and the Luntzes.

— Hi. Right on time. I like that in a rabbi. Hi.

— Hmm, Tuesday? — We have to punch up or punch out or something.

— How ? — By sucking with style! Embrace the suckiness.

— How is Ethan? — He‘s great. Hejust got a promotion—— vice president.

— How is that possible? —What specifically?

— How upset are they? — Let‘sjust say they‘re less than thrilled.

— I called to see how the big date went. — That‘s so funny.

— I didn‘t pull her into my bed. She pulled me into hers. — I don‘t believe that!

— I don‘t hearyou breathing. — I don‘t breathe audibly, butI breathe.

— I don‘t know, I‘m sorry. — I was dreaming about my mother‘s sausages.

— I doubt anything interesting will be going on. — Trust me.

— I have some things I have to tell you, and I feel bad. — Me too.

— I have things I gotta tell you too. — Mine are big.

— I just thinkthat she‘s leaving next week. — Brian, I know!

— I love you too. — What ?

— I mean,you gotta go to Baghdad. I mean, so—— — Yeah. Yeah.

— I suck. They‘re gonna take away myyarmulke. — No, no, no. You don‘t suck.

— I take classes. — Me too! I‘m addicted to it. What‘s your favorite?

— I told you that. She knew that. — Did not!

— I used to have a crush on Anna. — Really?

— I wanna talk to you about this. — I thinkyou should rest.

— I wanna talk to you about this. — No, we don‘t have to.

— I want to thankyou for telling me this story. —Why?

— I would love to start up again, ifthat‘s all right with you. — I‘d be delighted.

— I would love to. It‘s a date. — Okay. Okay, all right.

— I would—— It‘s not gonna—— — You are makin‘ me crazy, Rabbi.

— I‘ll be looking out for that. — Yeah.

— I‘ll be ready in a second. —A lot ofspace.

— I‘ll get it. — No, that’s okay, /’m gonna get it

— I‘ll keep it alive. —That‘s right.

— I‘m learning. You‘re gonna benefit from this. — We‘re gonna be late.

— I‘m not blind, okay? — Okay, so how do you deal with that?

— I‘m not gonna let that happen again. — You don‘t know!

— I‘m so proud ofyou. I‘m so happy foryou. — Really?

— I‘m sorry, I didn‘t mean to call you so late. — No, it’s fine, it’s fine.

— I‘m terribly sorry. Continue. Go on, sprinkle away. — Mm—hmm. Okay.

— I‘m very happy. — Hmm.

— I‘ve gotta go. Really gotta go. —All right, all right. Hi.

— I‘ve heard so much about you. — And Helen.

— Ifyou‘re gonna deal with this, you better do it soon. — What do you want me to do?

— in some sense, kidding. — [ Laughs]

— Is everything okay here? — Yeah, all good things.

— Is that was this is gonna be? — You‘re my friend, and I wanna know how this works foryou.

— It makes him very uncomfortable. — What‘s wrong with that?

— It‘s an ”almost“ stroke. — And what does that mean? What are we talking about?

— It‘s called www.hotgod.com. — Really?

— It‘s fine. Fire away. — Really?

— It‘s in such good condition. This is like—— —Yeah, it‘s mint. Had to get it.

— It‘s not an issue for me. It‘s really not. — [ Sighs]

— It‘s not kosher, Rabbi Lewis! — Larry, what does that mean?

— It‘s not that—— — [Cell Phone Ringing]

— It‘s okay, I understand. — No, it‘s not okay.

— It‘s okay. — It‘s not okay.

— It‘s okay. Yeah. — Good.

— It‘s our pleasure. — Where‘s the third Musketeer, Miss Reilly?

— It‘s totally fine. Totally fine, really. — ‘Cause I thought we——

— It‘s weird to me. —Am I asking you? Do I want to talk about it?

— It‘sJake. — What is this in reference to?

— Kabbalah. You? — Kickboxing.

— Keep it simple. — That‘s my point. I‘m having fun.

— Lentzes. — Lentzes. Hi.

— Let‘s get outta here. Let‘s go talk about it. — No, no, no, no, no, no.

— Listen to me. — What ?

— Look who‘s here. Look who‘s here! — Hey! Hey!

— Made me a star. — So, how long have you two been together?

— Man, that is so cool. —I know.

— Maybe she‘s a skilledjogger. —I have to date this girl. Why don‘t I say no?

— Mmm. — Yeah, when‘s that going down?

— Mom—— — It‘s true.

— Mom, he would be so happy to hear from you. — Please,Jake.

— Navy blue pinstripe suit. — I can picture that—— tasteful, yet with a quiet power.

— News: My parents are happy and retired, and I take yoga. — Men.

— No pun intended. Feel my abs ! — [Chuckles]

— No, Brian. — No, no, no, no.

— No, I don‘t—— — Ooh.

— No, it feels good. — Okay.

— No, it‘s not a—— whatever. — J jesse is a friendJ

— No, no, no. He‘s a rottweiler. —]ust come up for a minute or two.

— No, not bad skin. — What ?

— No, suit. — No, suit. Definitely suit.

— No, that’s whatshe said That’s—— — Ridiculous.

— No, they can‘t. — Give ‘em a little credit. It‘s the 21 st century.

— No, you didn‘t. No, you didn‘t. — Mm—hmm. /——

— No, you‘re a world—beater. What are you talking about? — I‘m a workaholic.

— No, you‘re not. — [ Scoffs]

— No. — I don‘t get this.

— No. Are you crazy? —[Whimpering]

— Nope. — Line dancing?

— Not at all, but let‘s do it anyway. —Okay.

— Not bad, right? — Ouch.

— Not even close. — What is the big deal? Why can‘t I know?

— Not this three. — [ Sighs]

— Nothing. — Girl talk. We‘re fine.

— Now you‘re makin‘ me think about this. — No, relax. You‘ll do great.

— Now, you see this kid? That was my best friend,jake. — Mm—hmm.

— Oh ! I think it‘s so great to be friends first, don‘t you? — Always.

— Oh ! The numbers are good foryou, yeah? — Good

— Oh, admit it. Ifthey changed the rules, you‘d be psyched. — I don‘t even think about it.

— Oh, as close as Ruth andJake. — Wow.

— Oh, hey, hey, wait a minute. — No, you listen to me.

— Oh, hey, speaking ofouryouth, | forgot to tell you something. — What ?

— Oh, I‘m so glad you noticed. — Yeah. What is that?

— Oh, it‘s funny. I was at the Met yesterday. — Again ?

— Oh, Len. — You know you can.

— Oh, listen. — Yeah .7

— Oh, my God. — Who is that ?

— Oh, my God. Are you guys getting serious? — No, no, no, no, no.

— Oh, no, no, we need the discs for the karaoke. — What ?

— Oh, no, not the Shapiro girl again, please. — Why? She was a looker.

— Oh, Rabbi, you‘re so wonderful. You know my daughter, Hillary. — Mom, don‘t embarrass me. Hi.

— Oh, right. — Oh, God. Like, we go way back.

— Oh, she told you. — Yeah, when she was crying on my shoulder.

— Oh, we are. — Okay. Then there only one model foryou:

— Oh. No, no, no. — My God. Get——

— Okay, go. — [ Sighs]

— Okay, I‘ll do that. Okay. — I‘m officially going now. Okay.

— Okay, I‘m just checking. — You guys have been talking?

— Okay, it‘s okay. — Please,just listen. [Grunts]

— Okay, what ? — Ifwe were actually going out, I‘d be very pissed at you now.

— Okay, what‘s new and hot? — What do we knowabout this girl .7

— Okay. — Okay. Great, well, nice to see you, Bonnie.

— Okay. — Well, you don‘t.

— Okay. Good night. — Okay.

— Okay. I‘ll talk to you. —Okay. Call me.

— Okay. Thankyou. Thanks again. — Call me soon. Okay.

— Okay. You let me know. — I will, I will.

— Okay. You said you could take it—— — I‘m fine!

— Paulie Chopra. — Okay. Well.

— Price is not important! — No, price is very important, actually.

— Punch me. You heard me. — Excuse me ?

— Rabbi Lewis? — Yeah.

— Rachel Rose. That‘s who I‘m goin‘ out with. — ABC Rachel Rose?

— Rain check though. — Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

— Ready? Let‘s go. Hang on one second. I‘m learnin‘ something here.

— Really ? Soon? —Yeah. Mm—hmm.

— Really? — So, how‘d it go?

— Really? — Yeah, I‘m past that point.

— Really? —Yeah, I do.

— Really? Right away? —Yeah.

— Remember Elan Portnoy? — [ Brian] Yeah, he was always complaining.

— Right ?At all. — No. Right. At all.

— Right now. Men. — All right.]ob is good, really good.

— Right. — Thankyou.

— Right. We‘ve been trying—— — Yeah, she told me that she called you.

— See ? They should listen to you. — You‘re the best, you know that?

— Send me the cleaning bill. Get outta here. — No, don‘t get out. Stay.

— Seriously, /really wanna talk to you, okay .7 Bye. — [Machine Beeps]

— She had a temporary blockage of blood to her brain. — Is she all right?

— She suffered a transient ischemic attack. — A what ?

— She‘s very disappointed not to connect up with you. —I know, I‘m sorry.

— Shejust looked me up. Yeah. — Really ? Anna Reilly. What is she doin‘ now?

— Shoes ? — Black Kenneth Cole, leather.

— Should we go somewhere and talk about this? — No, no, no, no.

— Shut up. We do not. —You shut up.

— Since when ? — Since Anna gave it to me.

— Slainte. — Slainte.

— So are we. Hi, Rabbi.

— So we knew this getting into it. — You‘re right.

— So, have you talked to her? — No, no.

— So, it was a pleasure. — It was nice to meet you.

— So, you‘re not gay? — Oh, no. No.

— Standard B.S.C. deal ? — What‘s that mean?

— Stay focused. Okay. Okay. — I‘m with you, man. Okay.

— Stufflike that never happens to me. — Me neither.

— Sure. — I‘m free on Thursday.

— Take it nice and easy. Win ‘em over slowly, okay? — Okay.

— Thanks, men. — Yeah, there‘s something about you, I don‘t know, tonight.

— Thanks. I really earned my stripes with that piece. — Hmm.

— Thankyou all for coming. — Congratulations to everybody

— Thankyou. — You‘re welcome.

— Thankyou. — You‘re welcome.

— Thankyou. Have a nice day. — You‘re fiushing it down the toilet.

— That pass is good for one hour. — Okay. Thankyou.

— That was very simple and direct. — Thankyou.

— That wasn‘t the problem. The problem was here. —What? Bad skin?

— That‘s my life. — Men. No. Come on. Don‘t cheat us. Give it up.

— That‘s not the point. — What’s the point then .7

— That‘s quite a gesture. — Yeah, I know it seems that way,

— That‘s very cute. — Brian Finn.

— That‘s what we‘re doing. — Are you alone?

— That‘s why Brokaw stands now. — What ?

— That‘s why they‘re fighting? — No, no, they‘re not fighting. They‘re not talking.

— That‘s—— — I kinda knew itwas coming. Who else they gonna give it to?

— The doctor said two days,just rest. — Two days ? Get outta here.

— The guy, the guy—— That guy, yes. — Mr. 23rd fioor.

— The point is you‘re old enough to date without a chaperone. — Amen.

— The service was wonderful. Oh"

— There, I paid. Oh.

— There‘s a reason that pandas don‘t mate in captivity. — What does that mean?

— There‘s nothing to talk about. No, there isn‘t. — Yes, there is.

— They gave him Dad‘s old office. — [ Scoffs]

— They‘re getting very irritable. — No, it‘sjust this thing.

— They‘re little women, but they‘re very determined. — You get melodramatic.

— they’re not gonna give you this job .7 — I‘m seriously telling you...

— Think she’s changed .7 — No, she still weighs 88 pounds and listens to ” Leafi' Garrett.

— This is big. Guess who called me. —Who?

— This is the big kiss—off? — No. Foryou guys, I will make time.

— This is the last ofthe series. — I know. You‘ve been talking about this card for I 5 years.

— This is your friend .7 — This is it. This is my buddy.

— This was too good. — Holy shit.

— Those guys love you. — Hmm, they love me ‘cause I bust their balls.

— Thus endeth. — Okay.

— To Anna. — [ Together] Hear, hear.

— Tom Brokaw—— he stands up when he reads the news. — The whole time?

— Wait. How do I look? —You lookincredible.

— Watch your ass, Shabazz! —,‘ Come on,‘

— We all have to go back to the mines. — Don‘t you have work to do?

— We can‘t fight it. It‘s too strong. It‘s okay. — What ?

— We got the money Why wait .7 — Okay, come in for a second.

— We should get home, right? —Yeah, it‘s gettin‘ kinda late.

— We should go now. — Ooh.

— We werejust talking about Rachel. — Well, naturally.

— We‘ve been together since] uly. —Ju|y.

— Well then I would say—— — What would you say? Come on, bring it!

— Well, he‘s been doing it for about a year now. — Really? I gotta watch more.

— Well, that explains a lot. — Yeah, I mean, you see why tonight is notjust a date.

— well, you see the one on the right? — Mm—hmm.

— What ? — Give me that, give me that! I can‘t believe you.

— What ? — You know what? I—I need a cup ofcoffee.

— What ? What ? — Let me show you something. Remember that guy?

— What ? What ? — Move, move!

— What are you doin‘ here? —I don‘t know. What am I doin‘ here?

— What are you, in the eighth grade still? — That‘s a legitimate question.

— What happened to ouryouth? — I‘m tellin‘ you, it ended at 30, pal.

— What happened? — Look, Mom, I don‘t want you to worry about this, okay?

— What happened? — Your mother collapsed.

— What kind ofstrategy is that? — / don ’t wanna bring a priest,

— What movie are you seeing? — We‘re gonna see the |MAX—— — Andy Garcia.

— What? No, no, no, no. — I gotta go now. I gotta go.

— What‘s a good place? — Delphini‘s, definitely Delphini‘s.

— What‘s going on here? —Yourjig is so up.

— When you sing to your girlfriend, Uh huh.

— Where are you taking her? — I don‘t know.

— Who .7 — Rachel Rose, okay?

— Who’s the girl .7 — That‘s Anna Reilly.

— Why don‘t youjust have that thing implanted in your ear? — Oh, I‘ll be top on the list.

— Why is it between you and me? — Because I love her.

— Why? I don‘t understand that. — Because I‘m a rabbi!

— with the news. — What ?

— Woman ? Wow. — Woman. Yes. Thankyou.

— Wow, that‘s the end ofan era. —I know.

— Wow. I feel special. — That‘s my bag.

— Wow. I mean, — /know It’s——

— Yassir? — /nArabic.

— Yeah ! Yeah. Totally out ofthe blue. — Anna Reilly called you? Why?

— Yeah, but it really—— It seems to—— — It goes together well.

— Yeah, everybody—— — It‘s so great to see such a turnout.

— Yeah, obviously, anything. — It‘s personal, so——

— Yeah, ofcourse, really. — Well,

— Yeah, workin‘ for the—— That‘s a full—time thing. — That’s a boss.

— Yeah, yeah, we had a good talk. Sort ofworked it out. — That‘s good.

— Yeah. — And she‘s very adult.

— Yeah. —Yeah. Good.

— Yeah. Look at the bottom. — She has a ”skills“ section.

— Yes ! Yes. — Had sex ?

— Yes ? Okay. — Hey, you know, I‘m gonna be comin‘ here a lot,

— Yes, ABC Rachel Rose. —| thinkI could be in—laws with ABC Rachel Rose.

— Yes, good luck to both ofyou. — Thankyou.

— Yes, yes. Yes. — With women ?

— Yes, you are. — No, we‘re not.

— Yes. — How are you? Who are you? Tell me everything.

— Yes. — We‘re gonna see that Garcia picture.

— Yes. Well, they‘re heavily supervised. — It looks really good though.

— You could bring your cell phone, be connected the whole time. — /’m always busy

— You don‘t wanna—— — He‘s gonna spend it on booze!

— You got it. — What ? She called you?

— You gotta go through me to get to Him, so I‘m very popular. — Oh, whoa—— children.

— You gotta take her somewhere new and hot. — Definitely hot.

— You just made it worse. — I would say, that is no excuse for whatjust went on in there.

— You know ? — I‘m telling you,you can. I want you to.

— You know ? — Very true.

— You know, ifthey—— —That‘s fine. I understand. I mean, when the beeper beeps.

— You know, shejust moved to network prime time. — Look at that! A live feed!

— You look beautiful. — You do. You look amazing.

— You look perfect. — Thankyou. You ready for this, Rabbi?

— You missed our last class. —I know, I‘m sorry. I thought I was leaving town.

— You okay? — Yep. No. Go.

— You ought to try it. — Yeah, I need that high impact though.

— You should be running that company. — Actually, they want me to.

— You wanna come up for a while? —Ohh, I would love to, but I really should get home,

— You wanna explain this? —Come here. — Did they change the rules?

— You wanna—— — I guess it‘s a good thing we‘re not going out then.

— You were really wonderful. —Well, we‘re all certainly aware ofyour successes.

— You‘re in a very good mood. — I‘m usually in a good mood.

— You‘re in love with her? — No one seems to have picked up on this. It‘s very strange.

— You‘re in such good shape. Oh, yeah. —Areyou all right?

— You‘re not breathing,Jake. — I‘m breathing.

— You‘re too precious to be on the open market. — That‘s what I try to tell them.

— You‘rejoking. — No, it‘s the truth. Had to call in fat.

— You‘ve given up all kinds ofthings for what you do. — But there comes a point...

—,;‘ [Country] — Answer me honestly.

—[Congregation Laughs] — God spares Lot and his family.

—[Continues In Spanish] — Mm—hmm.

—| feel like I‘m in The Godfather Look at you. — Yeah, I‘m God‘s consigliere.

—| feel really terrible about having to cut the night short. Oh"

—|‘|| talktoyou. — Okay. All right.

—All good things. —All right.

—All right. Ow!Ow! — Next time, sir, I suggest you make an appointment.

—Anna, areyou serious? — Mm—hmm.

—Anna? —Hmm?

—Areyou kidding me? Areyou kidding me? — No. No.

—Excuse me, I‘m looking for Ruth Schram. —Dr. Marks.

—Good night. — Don‘t you wanna come up, tuck me in?

—Good night. —Good night.

—I am in love with you,Jake. —Yeah, I loveyou too.

—I can take it. I‘m not scared. — I‘m sure——| know you‘re not. It‘sjustyou‘rea girl——

—I don‘t thinkI got your last name. Reilly. — Reilly.

—I don‘t understand. — Basically, I‘m like a plumber, except I fix leaky corporations.

—I don‘t want to have this conversation. —Oh, come on, tell her.

—I got it. I got it. —| gotit. | gotit!

—I knew it. In the back of my head was this voice... — No.

—I know you‘re probably still mad at me. —Probably?

—I love thatl suck! I love thatl suck! — ”I love thatl suck!” Good.

—I love thatl suck. — ”I love thatl suck.” Keep goin‘ with that.

—I love thatl suck. — Good! But own it. Say it: ”I love thatl suck!”

—I mean, we‘re both listed. — Finn before Schram, okay?

—I need body count at the temple. —]ust relax. It‘ll be fine.

—I pulled it off. —You were i 2.

—I saw it. I can tell. — No, no, no. He‘s here.

—I talked McDonald‘s out ofthe ” McOyster.” — A grateful nation thanks you.

—I thought... Ernie‘s. — Ernie’s .7 You can ’t take her to Ernie ’s.

—Is that okay? —Yeah, that‘s okay. It‘s more than okay.

—It was beaded by the mentally retarded. —Oh, really?

—Jake ? No. — Feng shui.

—Jake, I‘m at P.M.K. We got her special correspondent. — Oh. Great.

—Jjesse’sgirlJJ — Howyou guys doing ? I‘m Don.

—No, that‘s the face she put on foryou. —I don‘t think so.

—Oh, Brian. —I feel like I‘m on some bad new Aaron Spelling show,

—Oh, oh! —[Screaming] Oh !]esus!

—Oh,wow. —Go! Go! Go!

—Okay, 15 minutes. —|‘m late. This is becoming a bad habit.

—Omar. —[Speaking Spanish]

—Ow! — Does that hurt?

—Ow! —Ow!

—Ow! —Wanna hear about the special knot in my tie?

—PeterJennings would be at the wedding. —Hey, speaking ofin—laws,

—Sing|e? — Don‘t think that‘s not an issue.

—Size? — Big.

—So you—— you do write your own sermons. —Yeah.

—Terrific. — I came running right over.

—Thanks. Yeah, I‘m cool. — You okay?

—That‘s great. I didn‘t know. —Jake, what you don‘t know is a lot.

—That‘s me. — [ Both Laugh]

—Then let me have it! — I‘m not gonna punch you.

—This is milkto me, baby. — What the hell is going on here?

—To|d ya. — [ Chuckling]

—Tradition is not old habit. No, it‘s comforting to people. —All right, I‘m——

—Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, wait. — ifyou wanna know the truth.

—Well, I mean, wejust met—— —Two: I am many things.

—Well, I— — No, no, it makes total sense.

—Well, my mom does all my PR. —I know what you mean. Mine too.

—Well, not ifyou‘re Kurdish. — Hmm.

—Well, thanks. — You‘re welcome.

—Well, this is me. —Okay.

—What are you thinking about right now? —[Giggles]

—What do you mean, you ?You‘re perfect. —I am a loser!

—What doyou mean? — No, I mean, she calledyou

—Why are you standing here? —Oh, my God, you‘re right. What am I doing standing here?

—Why? — ‘Cause his whole congregation is trying to set him up.

—Why? — It‘s a little bit too much. Whoa!

—Yeah, I know, I know. No, I know. — No, you don‘t know.

—Yes, I am. —Yeah, me too.

—Yes? —Oh!You win. She putjogging as a skill.

—Yes. —Yes! Oh! Oh!

—You know? —Hmm.

—You serious? — Mm—hmm.

—You think Len was a Ritalin child? — He still is.

—You‘re drunk! — I‘m not drunk! I‘m Irish! I‘m Irish!

—You‘re drunk. — I‘m not drunk.

—You‘re makin‘ me so—— No. No. —]ust come up for a minute.

,‘ ’Cause we fight like cats and dogs;

,‘ / admit that / ain’t no angel,‘

,‘ / admit that / ain’t no saint,‘

,‘ / don’t want you catchin’ your death ofcold,‘

,‘ / don’t want you catchin’ your death ofcold,‘

,‘ /’m selfish, and /’m cruel but you’re blind,‘

,‘ /just know there’s got to be more;

,‘ /s the way things used to be,‘

,‘ Between you and me,‘

,‘ But what/ want to see,‘

,‘ Everyone ’5 been insane,‘

,‘ Everyone ’5 been insane,‘

,‘ Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it,“

,‘ It’s the same as the emotion that / have for you,“

,‘ It’s too cold to be out walkin ’ in the streets,‘

,‘ It’s too cold to be out wall

,‘ L eff a trail behind;

,‘ lfl exorase my de vils,‘

,‘ lfthis is lo ve we ’re crazy;

,‘ Like / said before we got a brand—new funk, turn it up,‘

,‘ Or else forget about it,“

,‘ Or else forget about it);

,‘ Out wall

,‘ Out wall

,‘ Please call me, baby,‘

,‘ Please call me, baby;

,‘ Power to the people, y’all,‘

,‘ Power to the people);

,‘ The way things used to be);

,‘ Turn me loose 0h;

,‘ Turn me loose,‘

,‘ We do crazy things when we’re wounded,“

,‘ We do crazy things when we’re wounded,“

,‘ Well, it’s just like the ocean under the moon,‘

,‘ Well, my angels mayleaI/e too,‘

,‘ When they leave they’re so hard to find;

,‘ Wherever you are,‘

,‘ Wherever you are;

,‘ You spitted you slammed out the door;

,‘ You’ve got the kind oflovin’ that can be so smooth, yeah,‘

,~ o—or,~

.‘A/U.‘

'x of)

'x of)

'x of)

'x of)

'x of)

'xAh‘x

‘cause forgiveness kinda comes with thejob description.

‘Cause I can‘t see you. I‘m like looking at a reflection at myself.

‘cause it‘s really been bothering me.

‘Cause she‘s comin‘ to New York for work and wanted to get together with us.

‘cause you‘re so smart, funny, cute and yada—yada, and you know it.

’cause, well, it was sort of one of those defining moments.

"Ein Keloheinu " It‘s ajoyous song.

” How‘d you find out ?” Is that the best you can do? How do you think?

” Melrose Priest.”

” Now there‘s a girl whose values are all out ofwhack” ?

”Sexual perversion.” Steve Posner‘s watchin‘ a little too much Spice Channel.

”With what specifically ?”

”You think You can scare me with a little, uh,

[ A nna ] Hey, remember our shoplifting club .7

[ Bo y Speaking Span/sh ]

[ Brian Narrating] We all met in the sixth grade at P5. 84 right here in Manhattan.

[ Brian] Hey, it‘s me. Are you there?

[ Cheering, Chattering ]

[ Congregation Murmuring]

[ jake ] All right, okay, / feel ready for this.

[ Man In Film Continues Yelling]

[ Man In Film Yelling, Indistinct]

[ Man In Movie] Where are the paper towels .7

[ Phone Line Ringing]

[ Woman] Why don ’t you get somebody else .7

[All Chattering, Clamoring]

[All Chuckle]

[All Overlapping] What are you saying?

[All] Hi,Jake!

[American Accent] All right, here‘s the real deal.

[Anna Sighing] Oh, mmm, I haven‘t screamed that hard...

[Anna] A w, nice I

[Anna] It’s like a fairy tale, those fio wers framing you

[Anna] Remember the names ofsome ofthose kids we went to school with?

[Anna] Trust me, they’ll love you These guys are fascinated..

[Anna]No way

[Beeping Stops]

[Both Panting]

[Brian] Oh, yeah. You had to steal something to be a member.

[Chattering, Indistinct]

[Chattering]

[Chattering]

[Cheering]

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles] For the record, it‘s ” Lafe.”

[Chuckling] and it‘sjust been reflected glow offyou andJake.

[Chuckling] Well, that was my recruitment pitch,

[Clamoring Continues]

[Clears Throat]

[Congregation Chuckles]

[Continues]

[Coughs]

[Crowd Murmuring]

[Crying]

[Doll] You go, girl!

[Don ]J Ready to put my love on the line with youJ

[Door Opens]

[Gasping]

[Gasps] Harder.

[Giggles] Now that would have been impulsive.

[Giggling] Right.

[Groaning] Okay, that‘s enough.

[Groans]

[Grunts]

[Grunts] Oh, can Ijust say, ”oy” ?

[Indian Accent] Let me guess:

[jake’s Mother] Good for you, Anna. Oh, /’m so proud of you

[Karate Yells]

[Kissing]

[Knocking]

[Laughing] No, no,just doing comedy with you.

[Laughing] Oh, God

[Man] ,‘ Evening fell just like a star;

[Moaning]

[Panting]

[Panting]

[Phone Ringing]

[Praying In Hebrew, Voice Cracking]

[Praying In Hebrew]

[Praying In Hebrew]

[Scoffing] Yeah.

[Sighing] July.

[Sighs, Clears Throat] How‘s your mother?

[Sighs] I don‘t know, |just—— I keep thinking...

[Sighs] Oh, excuse me. I just got a little warm there.

[Sniffies] I‘m so sorry.

[Sobbing]

[Sobs] 3ot quite. Not quite.

[Speaking Hebrew]

[Speaking In Spanish]

[Speaking Spanish]

[Together] J Ready to put my love on the line J

[Whispering] Oh, yeah, baby.

[Yelling, Chattering]

/ ’d like to talk about us.

/ ’ve been waiting my whole life for someone like you, and /’m not gonna let you go.

/ can ’t believe this. When— When did this—this happen .7

/ can ’t hear you up there I Sing it out! Come on!

/ didn ’t go into explicit detail, but she knows we weren ’t holding hands.

/ don ’t kno w Maybe that’s not fair,

/ don’t wanna brag, but the word got out there was a newact in town,

/ felt like Richard Chamberlain in "The Thorn Birds, "

/ just try new things sometimes. / don ’t wanna talk about it / get embarrassed

/ know "Thanks, Daddy, "right .7

/ need some help I /need someone...

/ think he gave it some serious thought, but in the end decided..

/ thinl< /already l

/ totally set myself up for this.

/ was just thinking about you

/’m begging you

/ake and / used to talk about how we needed to kick the dust off our faiths,

/ake said we ’re gonna give ’em an old— world God with a ne w—age spin.

/ake said we were gonna be like those young cops who come on the force and shake things up——

/ake, / didn ’t tell her. She figured it out on her own.

/ake, put on some water for tea, will you .7

/al

/al

/bet you’re wondering what makes two kids want to become...

/esus Christ! / am in a crisis here I

/mean, she didn’t, but

/remember / fell in love with this girl in Prague. /t was in I 96 8.

/t doesn ’t matter if / ’m still with her—— which /’m not——

| work a hundred hours a week. You guys have no idea.

|—— |t‘sjust—— Imean, she‘s like your sister, Brian. That‘s——

|—— I‘m sorry, I thought—— Am I off—base here?

|—|—— But, seriously, what is the story ofSodom and Gomorrah really about?

|—|—| shouldn‘t.

1,300? — Final offer.

320. Oh, 320.