Problem Child (1990) Edit

A furry bunny is running through delicate white snowflakes.

A growing body needs nutrition. And discipline.

A hundred thousand dollars? You can keep 'em!

A little wishful thinking never hurt anyone.

A lot of teeth. I want everybody to be happy.

A penny for a spool of thread A penny for a needle

A priest! It's like a nun with a jacket.

A surrogate mother.

Adiosl Hasta luegol

Adorable!

After all these letters, I've got good news. I'm getting out. Isn't that great?

After that, things kind of went downhill.

All I'm saying is maybe all the child needs is to be loved.

All right, boys and girls, come on out. Time for the magic show.

All right, look!

All right, mister, you know the routine. Start mopping.

All right, now you're gonna pay for it.

All right, somebody's gonna have to pinch hit for Andy. OK, buddy, this is your big moment.

All right!

All right!

All this time he actually liked me.

Also, Big Ben means big business!

America for the Americansl You believe that nonsense?

And "Whatever happened to Mrs Healy?"

And all sorts of stupid humans to scare.

And I don't ever want to cause Mr Healy any trouble.

And if we lose... What the hay, we'll have ice cream anyway.

And is now on his way back to federal prison.

And listen to what's on my son's mind over a cup of hot cocoa.

And one of them might wanna be A problem child, yeah

And one of them might wanna be A... Oh, baby

And please don't make me scrub those dirty toilets.

And that's my mother...running away.

And that's the $3,000 stereo system and the console TV.

And there is a big man!

And we should resort to discipline only when other forms of positive reinforcement fail.

And you have a cat. Here, kitty kitty.

And you'll have to stumble downstairs in the dark and change his soiled diapers.

And you're it. I'm sorry, but the test came back positive.

And you've got yourself a kid.

Anyway, on behalf of myself and the agency,

Apparently my birth was not considered a blessed event.

Are you a bachelor, Marty?

Are you insane?

Are you out of your mind, putting that little monster in the game? I'm on a campaign.

Are you ser...

Attaboy!

Aw... aw... aw...

B b b b bad B b b b bad

B b b b bad B b b b bad...

B b b b bad...

Bad little boys get something else.

Bad news. Your father cleaned out your bank account to pay for the damage to his store.

Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone B b b b bad

Bad to the bone Bad to the bone

Because of this attempted prison break, Beck would have to serve additional time.

Beck, known infamously as the Bow Tie Killer, was recaptured this afternoon

Being a parent is power and once you're in that circle you keep everyone else out.

Ben?

Ben? Jim O'Connor. Are you sitting down?

Big deal. If you have to be a creep like Freddy, I don't want a family.

Blow it out your ass.

Born to be wild

Boy, did we have a great camping trip!

But I am not dreaming.

But I don't know how to play baseball.

But I don't think we'll have a clown this year.

But I thought we were gonna be partners. I thought you liked me.

But Judy left the same time

But problems don't just go, Flo, you know?

But the neighbours will know we've adopted. What'll they say?

But the prune's had it.

But then I became interested in photography.

But there are alternatives to having your own child.

But we were alone for a while

But with you there's no surprise.

But you stubbornly refuse to follow my example.

But, Mother, he dresses like the man that cremated Uncle Leo.

Bye, everybody! Don't forget to write!

Can you believe it? That's our boy.

Can you quiet down? Can you act like nuns?!

Chill. The warden!

Clowns.

Come on, boys.

Come on, I got something for you!

Come on, let's have some kicks. Tell a me.

Come on, Mr Molasses, let's go. We're late.

Come on, open up. Open up!

Come on, son.

Come on.

Congratulations.

Coochie...

Cry if I want to Cry if I want to

Cry if I want to Cry if I want to

Cry if I want to Cry if I want to

Cry if I want to Cry if I want to

Cry if I want to Cry if I want to

Dad, are we glad to see you.

Dad, I gotta talk to you!

Dad? I don't believe it.

Daddy, come back! I love you!

Daddy, please don't go! I'm sorry for all those bad things I did!

Daddy!

Dear Bishop Tutu, how are you?

Dear Bow Tie Killer, how's prison?

Dear Queen Elizabeth, how is England? It must be nice to be a queen.

Did you hear that? Uncle Marty. We've gotta treat this guy like royalty.

Did you say 15 years?

Did you think about the poor boy?

Diver Dan, Diver Danl Surface, surfacel

Do you hear that? Let's do it.

Do you see him?

Do your grandfather a favour and pass them out among your friends.

Don't be such a noodle.

Don't come sucking round me if you want something.

Don't mess with me!

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry, buddy, bears rarely attack unless provoked.

Dopehead mothers. Garbage blood.

Drop the bat, Junior! Are you nuts?

Drop the bat, son!

Eat all of your stew, children.

Either Junior goes or you find yourself some new nuns.

Even though we've never met, I feel we have a lot in common. Nobody understands us.

Everybody except me. And I've had it.

Everybody hates him.

Everybody just loves Junior.

Except there isn't going to be a kid, Ben. It's just you and me forever.

Excuse me, lady!

Father, I'm at the end of my rope. It's about my kid.

Fifty, sixty, seventy...

Finally.

Fine.

Fine.

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who supported me in my race for Mayor.

First you'll be married And kids after a while

First you'll be married And kids after a while

Five minutes.

Flo, being a parent is about sharing. It's about a mom, a dad and a kid.

Flo, did you hear that?

Flo, we're doing what everybody else has done to this child.

For pocket money he helps some of the older residents with their groceries.

Forget it, big daddy!

Forget the fact that you had to go to the kid emporium and buy one.

Gee, I've never been to the circus before.

Gee, Roy.

Gee, thanks, Roy.

Geel I wonder if penguins can flyl

Get back here, you little heathen!

Get out of the way!

Get rid of that kid!

Get rid of you? Junior. We're never gonna get rid of you. You're here forever.

Get up, grab a helmet. Get a bat, that's a boy.

Get your little butt in here. I got a big surprise for you.

Go take the field. I'm proud of you! Look mean out there.

God! I've failed, Father. The kid hates me.

Good little boys get good homes.

Good morning! Hello, sunshine!

Good. Bring it to the circus.

Goodbye, Junior!

Goodbye, Junior! Goodbye, Flo! Oh, I am so sad to see you go.

Goodnight.

Gosh, what happened here?

Grandfather became a little senile toward the end. He thought it resembled Roosevelt.

Great, the joke's over. Come on back.

Great. This is great, Roy.

Gross!

Gross!

Harriet had a sonogram. Take a look.

Have a good day, honey.

Haven't you heard? I'm getting adopted. I got a new mommy and daddy and they're so nice.

He can hear you. You'll hurt his feelings. It was just an accident.

He does look presentable in that bow tie.

He e e ere's Daddy!

He got me in the prune.

He is not a dork!

He liked me.

He must feel horrible.

He must have learned it from the tourists.

He was laughing his head off.

He's a beautiful kid. Once you meet him, you'll love him like your very own.

He's a perfect little gentleman. Isn't he, Lucy?

He's a real problem. He does terrible things. My father hates him. My wife hates him.

He's cute, isn't he?

He's guilty 'cause he's just a juvenile

He's guilty 'cause he's just a juvenile

He's loyal and loving.

He's lying again. How can he see pink? It's a black and white picture. There is no pink.

He's lying. That's not what he sees.

He's not even a real kid. He's adopted.

He's perfect. He's wonderful. Come here.

He's so big.

He's the only one that's ever been nice to me.

He's the wild one

He's very handsome. I'll be the envy of the neighbourhood.

He's wicked!

Hello, Mr Healy. Remember me? You sold me a canteen.

Hello!

Hello?

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help! Help, let me out of here!

Help! Help!

Henry? Hank. Henri. Sounds like a loser.

Here at the clinic we pride ourselves on a 99%% success rate.

Here he comes. Flo, that's our son.

Here we are! Isn't this exciting?

Here, be a man.

Hey there, little buddy.

Hey, he can drive! Boy, that's great!

Hey, it's a letter from JR.

Hey, lady, hands off the merchandise! I gotta hear out of that thing!

Hey, Little Ben.

Hey, sleepyhead. Y'all ready to go camping?

Hey, warden! Catch!

Hey! Hey, get back here, you!

Hi!

Hi!

His parents may have met in a loony bin. They might be Democrats.

Hold it!

Hold it!

Hold it! Stop, wait!

How about it, kid? We'll go on a crime spree. We'll terrorise the whole state.

How come you adopted me? How come you just didn't have a baby?

How do you manage a buck?

How wonderful, an uncle!

Hurry up, students. Five more minutes for your pen pals.

I ain't been with a woman in 15 years.

I ain't had a smiley pie in 15 years.

I am fine. I hope everything's going well with your marching.

I am so sorry about that, Martin.

I am. I'm sorry, I just made a mistake.

I bet you've never been camping before. It's so much fun.

I can't believe it! Junior, he loves cats.

I can't believe it. For once, you behaved yourself. Thank you, Lord!

I can't get it out of my head that Junior was responsible for the camping thing.

I caught three fish. My dad was really proud.

I could be president of the PTA by September!

I demand you stop this car!

I don't believe it either.

I don't believe this.

I don't care how many runs you score. We're not gonna forfeit.

I don't claim to be some kind of brilliant psychologist. I'm not.

I don't have time for this crap, kid.

I don't know. Seven is rather old. I wanted people to think I had the baby myself.

I don't like no one. I work alone.

I don't now what you could've been thinking about! We've done all we can.

I don't see why my son shouldn't be getting his own allowance.

I don't want to but you're gonna have to be punished.

I expected a little back stabbing from you, some ruthless scrambling to get to the top,

I got my ammo. There's guns, hand grenades and even dynamite.

I had some magic of my own.

I hope Hank wasn't bothering you. He's excited about this camping trip we're going on.

I hope I'm not rushing you. We can always let nature take its course.

I hope you guys are insured.

I hope you kept the damn receipt. You got one bad seed there.

I hope you've learned a lesson.

I just came over to share my happiness with you, Little Ben.

I just want to be a good boy. I promise!

I know you're out there! Help!

I know, but we have so much love to give. Why waste it on these stupid pets?

I like the two of you and when I like two people, I want to help them out.

I love you, too, son.

I only got one, but he's one in a million.

I saw your commercial and they said you have everything.

I see a furry bunny.

I see a meadow. Pink flowers.

I see white fluffy clouds...

I see...

I seen too many of them in prison. Stop bugging me or you're gonna get hurt.

I slaved for you for over ten years without even a raise or a promotion.

I still get the land, right, Dad?

I think I'm gonna cry.

I think you'd better go right to bed.

I thought you were getting fatter, Mama! When's my little grandson due?

I thought you'd be happy. Come on.

I understand why you're scared. This is your first night in your new home.

I wanna be yours, pretty baby Yours and yours alone

I want to be a good dad. I want to be a great dad.

I want to go home and watch TV.

I was just kiddingl Oh, nol Not the nuns, not the nunsl

I was looking for some paper to write a get well note to Big Ben.

I was never really sure which one I got, nutrition or discipline.

I was planning on watching cartoons.

I was playing devil's advocate. Devil, you know...

I went to Radcliffe! I'm not a bimbo you can tie up and do what you want with!

I will never be too busy to sit down

I wonder if he's got change for a 20.

I wonder if they want me to do the floorl

I would like to proudly present the newest member of the Healy family, Junior!

I would like you to meet my son Junior.

I... I...

I'd sell my soul to the Japanese if they'd make me an offer.

I'd tell him to shove it, Mr Healy.

I'll be happy no matter how he turns out.

I'll be proud of you no matter how you do.

I'll be waiting at the tiger cage.

I'll bet he's hungry.

I'll get you now!

I'll get you some.

I'll give you a hand.

I'll tell you.

I'm a bad parent because I hate my kid?

I'm Ben, this is Flo. Put it there, partner.

I'm going to ask you to leave!

I'm gonna be waiting and when I'm done with you you're gonna be singing falsetto!

I'm having a birthday party Saturday. I think it would be nice if you came.

I'm here to tell ya, honey I'm bad to the bone...

I'm looking for a canteen with a compass on it.

I'm not a bad guyl I'm just misunderstoodl

I'm not really pregnant yet. We're just planning ahead.

I'm really sorry, Mr Healy. I was scared being all alone in my room.

I'm selling that too. Everything from here to the river.

I'm selling the store to the Japs.

I'm sorry, I'm conducting an examination. Now what do you see, Martin?

I'm sorry, sisters.

I'm still wearing a bow tie so I can look just like you.

I'm what? Why don't you speak English, lady?

I've kept it in my pocket for 30 years.

I've never seen Fuzzball act like that.

If I give you something, would you promise to take care of it?

If it's so nutritious, how come I don't see you eating it?

If only he had a blood relative taking care of him, someone with a natural tie. Like an uncle!

If that kid wasn't adopted, I'd swear he was your real son.

If you come back, I promise I'll never do anything naughty again.

If you had a kid like Junior the women would be flocking over you.

Ignore this.

Is that all you can think of is your stupid cat?

Is that the only word he knows?

Is there a lesson to be learned?

Isn't he precious?

Isn't that right, Ben?

Isn't that what's wrong with the world today? Everybody's looking for the easy way out.

It doesn't matter who wins or loses, just so long as Big Ben wins for Mayor.

It is in the opinion of myself and my agency of which I represent

It is so wonderful to meet the uncle of darling little Junior.

It says that children often misbehave just to get attention

It was so delicious I just gobbled it all up!

It's a boy nun! He wants to be a boy nun.

It's a dream come true. A birthday party. Now we're going camping with our son.

It's a home run for the Chieftainsl

It's a prune, hardened. It's a hardened prune.

It's gonna take some getting used to, isn't it?

It's my party and I get to say who can watch my magic show and who can't.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

It's no big deal. More important, why don't you call me Dad? I'd really like that.

It's obvious that the kid's unbalanced. I knew that from the start.

It's one of those answers we'll never know like "How high is up?", "Why is the sky blue?"

It's so real.

It's time I faced up to what I do have to do. I'm gonna take him back to the orphanage.

It's tough being left out, isn't it?

Junior, come here. I want you to meet Polly.

Junior, I got some buttons for the kids and some stickers for their bikes.

Junior, put your suitcase down here. Darling, I want you to hug him.

Junior!

Junior!

Junior!

Junior!

Junior!

Junior! This gives me an idea.

Junior! What is taking you so long?

Junior! Where are you, you little creep?

Junior? Now, come on, son.

Junior? Son?

Junior. Junior!

Junior'll do just fine, Dad. You can do it, buddy.

Just get out of here. I got a goddamn campaign to win.

Just lock him in his room tonight.

Just this morning I came upon a seven year old.

Just use this time to think about what you've done and what you're going to do.

Kids, huh?

Ladies, please, can you please quiet down?

Left! Turn left!

Let me explain.

Let me out of here! You stupid piece of... You're gonna regret this!

Let me tell you something. It takes a big man to admit his mistakes.

Let's cut the crap, Mr Peabody!

Let's go see the bearded lady.

Let's go!

Let's keep our eyes peeled for camp site 32.

Let's see if he's ticklish. Mr Bear ticklish? Coochie coochie!

Let's see what I can do. You want a kid you could love, I'll put you on the waiting list.

Like a queen with her king

Listen to this. It says here that Henry is a strong name.

Little Ben, now that you're a father, try this on for size.

Little Ben. Can I talk to you for a second?

Little Ben. Come here, inside. Get in here, come on.

Look at all the stuff I brought for our trip.

Look at her dress. That's a new... I've looked all over for shoes like that.

Look at you handle this baby! I'm so proud of you, son!

Look out below!

Look, here's the problem. This clown must have shorted out.

Look, maybe...

Lucy's turning six this week

Madam!

Man. I drove a thousand miles to hang out with a seven year old?

Martin...

Marty, this is Mr and Mrs Healy

Maybe if I shrug and move my hands like this, people will think I know what I'm talking about.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream

Miss him? Where's he going?

Moron? Moron?

Mr Healy, Mrs Healy, I'd like you to meet the greatest guy in the whole wide world.

Mr Peabody, you've got yourself a deal.

Mrs Henderson, your home is lovely.

My favourite colour's blue, too. Can you believe...?

My fellow Americans, don't forget to vote for Big Ben for Mayorl

My grandfather gave this to me just before he died.

My money!

My name's Junior. My favourite colour's blue. What's yours?

My new car! Oh, my God!

N n n n n n n n

Na na na na na Na na na na na

Nah, nah, I didn't say a word. I did not say a word.

Nature screwed us over. Let's give commerce a try.

Neat! Bears!

Nice little tie, moose breath. Bet you sell a lot of Girl Scout cookies wearing that.

Nice night to be born, huh?

Nice spot your friend reserved especially for us, Mr Healy

No batter, Cort.

No diapers?

No, come on, think about it. Henry, Hank. Hank Aaron, that's a winner.

No, Dad, we adopted.

No, don't touch that!

No, Junior, make nice with kitty. Only pet her this way.

No, negative is good. You see, you are positively infertile.

No, no, please, don't hyperventilate. Just take a deep breath and relax.

No, no, you don't want to do that! That's the worst thing you could do!

No, positive is good, negative is bad.

No, that's what you see.

No, what? What were you gonna say?

No, you don't! You see murder! You see guts!

No, you won't. No, no.

No!

No!

No!

No! I don't care about this game. We got this thing won already!

No! Junior!

Nobody cares about me but mel

Nobody knows where my Johnny has gone

Not me. I'm going to buy a dress for the party. Give me some money.

Nothing can make up for the loss of your life savings...

Nothing worse than a bunch of clowns trying to make you laugh.

Now is as good a time as any to learn.

Now what's going on? What's that smell?

Now, Cold River's favourite son, Big Ben Healyl

Now, everybody says you're running wild

Now, everybody says you're running wild

Now, let's get back to our examination. Shall we?

Now, the guy I'm looking for is an ex con and he's as mean as a rattlesnake.

Now, there's absolutely no proof

Now, you wait right here. I'm gonna get the priest.

O o o e e e

O o o e e e

Of course not. I just want you to be yourself.

Of course.

Oh oh, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Oh, Ben, dinners!

Oh, honey!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It's the devil.

Oh, my God. They're retarded.

Oh, no, not me

Oh, no, not me

Oh, no.

Oh, what a birthday surprise Judy's wearing his ring

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah...

OK, but it's the last time I set foot in this house.

OK, I want everyone over. Come on.

OK, kids, huddle up. Now, listen, we got three more innings.

OK, let's get a kid.

OK, now, everybody over by the house. This is Junior's first day at his new home.

OK, we make a switch on the count of three.

OK.

OK.

OK.

Old MacDonald had a farm E i e i o...

On the day I was born

One that will scream in the middle of the night

One thing I know, and that is that there's no such thing in the world as a bad boy.

Or balloons. Or ice cream.

Ow!

Ow...!

Perfect for a single man living alone.

Perhaps this was the one step too far. This could be a problem.

Play all my records Keep dancing all night

Please don't spank me, Mr Healy.

Please, give me another chance. I just want to learn my lessons and do my studies.

Please, God, I'm so sorry for what I've done. I won't ever do it again, I promise.

Please, please don't make me lift those heavy stones

Poor Fuzzball. She'll never be the same.

President? Are you brain damaged? Junior's gonna be a convict before he's in third grade!

Private business.

Put that down! That's mine! These are all my presents!

Read this to me.

Remember, if we win we all get ice cream.

Removed? What do you mean, removed?

Right, everybody out. This is gonna be so great!

Right, Junior.

Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream

Roy, you devil.

Roy!

Roy! Help!

Roy! I need your car.

Roy?

Run, Junior, run!

Sayonara!

Sh!

Sh!

Shake it off. Tighten up that grip, all right? Meet the ball. Hold onto the bat, OK?

Shoot out his tyres, Dad!

Since he escaped, residents of the bordering states have been afraid to leave their home.

Sir, sorry to disturb you but this letter came for you.

Sir.

Sister, I'm all packed to go.

Smart as a tack, a little rambunctious but weren't we all at that age?

Smiley pies!

So I can be smart and become a priest!

So you want to play rough, huh?

So, the question before us is what are we gonna do with our little problem child?

So, what do you think, big guy?

So, when is your child due?

Some day you'll grow up, boy And you'll change your style

Some day you'll grow up, boy And you'll change your style

Some people never learn.

Some people sayin'put the boy on trial

Some people sayin'put the boy on trial

Something that no one's ever done for him before. We're gonna love him, Flo.

Son of dork, son of dork!

Son of dork!

Sparks were coming out of his nose. I was so scared.

Sporting goods made by Americans for Americans.

Stay away from...

Stay here, stay here.

Stop it!

Stop! Hit the brakes!

Strike one.

Sure. He said that you were voted most popular orphan two years in a row.

Take care of the kid and you'll put on 50 or 60 pounds.

Tell a me.

Tell me something. Do you make out with a cup or do you get to bump a real live one?

Thank you, sisters, goodbye. Goodbye, kids!

Thank you!

That girl next door Might turn into a work of art

That girl next door Might turn into a work of art

That Junior was in any way connected with today's tragedy.

That Junior will not be removed from this orphanage.

That kid is a monster and your wife is the original pain in the ass. It's for the best.

That kid's a monster!

That must be your new grandpa. You stay here. We'll give old gramps a big surprise.

That purple thing is your cervix.

That was close! You...

That was smart of him.

That's a pretty big bobolink.

That's a thousand dollar coat!

That's great, that's terrific.

That's gross.

That's just my nature. I want to help out people that I like.

That's me in the basket and that's my mother carrying me.

That's me, dummy! I sent you all those letters.

That's my dad.

That's no good!

That's not supposed to happen. Toss me that.

That's right, Big Ben's is 100 per cent American.

That's right. Now, just hand it over.

That's the kind of kid I want.

That's the one Roy reserved especially for us.

That's the way the money goes Pop goes the weasell

That's understandable. A lot of women feel that way. You want a cute little infant.

That's very thoughtful, Junior, but these are Mom's private drawers.

The astounding Aslanian Family Tumblersl

The guy I'm staying with is the coach.

The important thing is that you stand up there and take your cuts, OK?

The monkey thought it was all in fun Pop goes the weasell

The neighbours? They'll say, "Look!"

The nuns made a suggestion you might be happier outside of the orphanage.

The nurses all gathered round

The only thing you'll get from me is this.

The only way we can straighten this out is by hearing what Junior has to say.

The whole buck?

Then I quit as your son!

Then they'll say, "Let's invite that Healy family over for dinner."

Then we have to work on our times tables.

There he is!

There is no pink.

There! You see that? A priest!

There's a few bricks missing from his building.

There's a nice picture of you on the front page that I'm gonna add to my collection.

There's Ed and Sally and little Joey going into the Whites'. There must be a party.

There's my favourite little boy. I'm going to miss you so much.

There's nothing like going for an outing with your father.

There's nothing more wonderful than children playing, hearing them laughing.

There's our boy!

There's singing. Marshmallows.

These are my favourite toys. Who am I kidding? They're my only toys.

These are toys. What are you jerking me around for? This is kiddies' stuff!

These green things are your fallopian tubes and this...

They are not stupid!

They did me wrongl They had it comingl

They gazed in wild wonder At the joy they had found...

They look like a couple of yahoos.

They're hoping that their problems will just go away.

Think much, pea brain? I want out!

Think of it this way. All those mothers had to make do with what nature gave them.

This child is going to be removed from this orphanage as soon as possible!

This guy is just so appealing.

This guy's pretty popular. He's on every channel.

This is a human being we're talking about!

This is gonna give you a good opportunity to learn to manage money.

This is my show. I'm calling the shots.

This is our honeymoon, you moron!

This is the Founders Day game.

This is your uterus.

This looks good.

This makes 31!

This one kind of looks like you.

This outdoor life is gonna be just the ticket for Junior. He's gonna blossom out here.

This was supposed to be our honeymoon!

This yellow thing is your ovary. Fits right in there like that.

Those are Roy's kids. They're sharing a brain. The one on the end has it today.

Those damn liberal laws! Don't you understand? He sees blood!

Till Johnny's dancing with me I've got no reason to smile

Today's my birthday. Look what they gave me.

Touchdown!

Touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown!

Trust me. We're not gonna take you back to the orphanage.

TV? What's TV compared to the...

Uh ohl He's lost it nowl

Uncle Marty!

Understand?

Unfortunately, there is that other 1%%.

Until one day he's gonna crack and say,

Up yours! Up yours!

Vote for Big Ben. Here, read this.

Wait a minute.

Wait.

Warden, if you don't stop, I'll have to ask you to leave.

Watch out!

Watch the pitcher, not the catcher, buddy, come on!

Way to go, Gary!

We can't all produce six perfect little angels like me and Harriet.

We could skip all that baby junk and move right into the good stuff like...

We go to the seventh inning tied.

We got the pick of the litter. Everyone's come out to see him off.

We have finally been accepted. This parent crap is really paying off.

We heard about your little accident and we thought this fruitcake might cheer you up.

We should get rid of the kid and buy a new cat!

We sure do enjoy it.

We'll eat smiley pies until we drop.

We'll ride bikes, go fishing, play catch.

We'll see you Saturday at two. Come on, Lucy, get in the car.

We're going to keep it neat and clean, aren't we?

We're gonna do everything together.

We're gonna do some serious damage.

We're gonna love him when he's bad, we're gonna love him when he's worse,

We've adopted Satan.

We've gotta make him think Junior's an angel. He'll leave and take the little brat with him.

Welcome to Big Ben's, the sporting goods store that has everything.

Well, Dad, here's a hint.

Well, Flo always said she wanted to travel.

Well, gee...

Well, hurry the hell up! I'm not getting any younger!

Well, I really put my foot in my mouth this time but, I don't know, I like you two.

Well, I'm not. I'm selling to the Hirohito Corporation.

Well, there sure are a lot of clowns.

Well, this can still work out. Look at this placel

Well, well! If it isn't our model prisoner, looking so pretty today in his little bow tie!

Well, you know what? It doesn't matter.

Wha...!

What a good looking guy.

What a nice surprise!

What a strange looking dogl

What about Donald? It says Donald is wealthy and powerful.

What about the fact that Father's on his way to the hospital? Or Junior's traumatic first day?

What am I supposed to do with the little creep? He's already been returned 30 times!

What are we talking about? Thirty? Thirty times?

What did you do that for? Don't we need supplies?

What did you say, you bow tied freak? Let him go!

What do you know? Another home run.

What do you say?

What do you see in this one?

What do you think you're doing?

What does he know?

What for?

What for?

What happened to your lunch?

What is it?

What is this guy, nice or something?

What it's like to be a dad. Then you'll get rid of me.

What the heck else are we here for, partner?

What the hell is going on?

What? Dad! I can't believe this.

What? I'm not working with you!

What's the matter, kids? You afraid of a measly little bear? He's not so bad.

What's this big surprise you dragged me over here for?

When he is returned to the federal prison, Beck will be placed under...

When you hit one out and that scoreboard lights up, I want you to remember Big Ben.

Where are my cartoons?

Who are they kidding?

Who on earth would want to abandon such a wonderful little baby boy?

Who wants to grow up? Who wants responsibility?

Who wants to grow up? Who wants responsibility?

Who wants to show up At work until you're 93?

Who wants to show up At work until you're 93?

Who'd be that caring?

Who'd be that loving? Who'd be that dumb?

Whoa o o o o

Whoa!

Whoa!

Why does this guy love me? Why do parents love any kid?

Why don't you take a look at this adoption literature? We can talk about it tonight.

Why don't you tell the voters what you really plan on doing with this town?

Why don't you? I don't wear second hand clothes and I won't have a second hand kid.

Why isn't anybody doing anything? I know you're out there!

Why was he holding her hand? When he's supposed to be mine

Why? You can't drive and shoot.

Will you all please quiet down? Be quiet!

With a baby, you never know what you're getting. It could be a dud.

Ye es!

Yeah, but this might make me feel better.

Yeah, hold on to the bat.

Yeah, kicks, good idea.

Yeah, right on the money.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah? Someday we're gonna meet up on the outside.

Yeah.

Yes, that's very creative, Junior.

Yes.

Yesterday they didn't even have a kid and now they have a seven year old.

You absolutely must stay the night.

You and I get to pick out our kid. It'll be like shopping.

You are a lucky duck.

You bet we do. This is Big Ben's. We got canteens 365 days a year.

You can't borrow it. We're all packed up and ready to go. What are you doing?

You can't come to my magic show.

You can't do that.

You can't go in. Your father's making a television appearance for his campaign.

You can't go to a kids' party without a kid.

You don't even have a yellow thing and your green thing is brown.