American Reunion Edit

A cardiologist. Wow.

A gentleman never kisses and tells, Jim.

A happy ending? What's that?

A lot of memories.

A person's virginity is something sacred, you know?

A pretty lady like you shouldn't be drinking quite so much.

About getting together a couple of days before the reunion.

Actually, I was thinking about going

Actually, you were.

Again. Really.

Agreed. There's no need to stoop to their level.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah. Oh. Oh.

AJ was supposed to drive my car back,

AJ, what are you doing here?

Alas, I have yet to find what you would call a real relationship.

Alessandro is long gone.

All he's gonna do is tell them off.

All over the anus, got it.

All right then, I'll see you.

All right, get ready.

All right, hurry up, Stifler. Come on.

All right, let's see what you got, Kev.

All right, you wanna hear what you wrote, Finch?

All right.

All right.

All these women are either married or came with dates.

ALL; Finch!

Allow me.

Already? Wait here, guys.

Although, I do remember reading a very interesting article

Am I good sidekick material?

Am I wrong, or was this place a lot more fun when we were younger?

Amazing what?

An erectile problem?

And all that other stupid shit.

And before you know it, he's gonna be a teenager...

And cradle those balls.

And divorced.

And don't forget, we still have to watch Real Housewives.

And everyone's married and having kids,

And getting married and having kids

And got a boring job like most of us,

And I can still kick your ass.

And I caught him in the middle of sex with some girl.

And I caught Steven sticking my hairbrush up his ass.

And I don't consider French Guiana a nation.

And I don't have all the answers right now, but I see you,

And I guess I could come along on one of your adventures.

And I just know

And I see you've gotten much better at this.

And I wanna make sure you're not around on Sunday night,

And I wanna tap that without you there. You got it?

And I was promised a raise, and I didn't get it, so I

And I'll be back this afternoon.

And I'll get him to reschedule.

And I'm not letting you... No, no.

And if there's anything I learned from lacrosse players,

And if you do that, the sex will come.

And let me tell you something, I snagged a pelt or two.

And maybe,

And neither should I.

And now we can have some fun.

And now you've got your own little guy.

And seeing more of your mother than you'd like,

And she started taking off her clothes, and touching my...

And stick around here with Heather for a while.

And that wraps it up for my special guest, Chad Ochocinco.

And then Evan was born

And then I got all caught up in the world of underground baccarat.

And there they are.

And they haven't really picked up since, you know?

And we have the cutest kid ever.

And we kind of stopped.

And we see, like, all of our old friends,

And we were just wondering if we could use your phone to call AAA.

And we're back here on Sports View,

And what a terrific soiree you're throwing here tonight.

And what about Oz?

And you can pick things up.

And you can take this job and shove it up your dickhole

And you know I love you.

And you two used to bang.

And you'll always be mine.

And you'll be teaching him about masturbation

And you're making yourself at home?

And you're not going to do anything about that?

And you're our dick.

And, in other ways, you're exactly the same.

And, you know, all the do's and all the don'ts

And, you know, doing a little reading.

Any sign of him yet?

Anything I can get for you, Christopher?

Anytime.

Are we sure we're not taking off too much?

Are you acting tough in front of your girlfriend? Huh?

Are you crazy? I love the Twilight books.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you planning on being on All Stars?

Are you ready for me, Stifler?

Are you sure you don't want one?

As long as you're mine, I'm happy.

Ashley, so good to see you! Oh, my God.

At least he was with a real, live human girl.

At least I don't take pictures of my meals.

At least let me have the house for the weekend.

Aw, fuck!

Aw, is everything okay? You seem stressed.

Aw, that is so cute!

Aw!

Aw!

Awesome!

Babe, trust me.

Bathtub incident.

Be a real man, you have a beard now.

Be everything I set out to be.

Be her daddy.

Because anybody that's peed next to you

Because I have a reunion to attend.

Because I won't go there.

Because I'm the fucking Stifmeister.

Because sometimes you can buy a little time

Because Terminator 2 is still the greatest film ever made.

Because that's the lamest name ever!

Because that's what dancing is, it's truth.

Because the place needs to look perfect for the InStyle shoot.

Because to me you look like a little bitch pussy.

Because we both know she's only with you for your money.

Because we knew, somehow, you would find a way to screw things up.

Because we want you to plan our wedding.

Because you are so self centered and...

Because, you know what, it's dangerous.

Beer down.

Before you went to med school.

Before you were born,

Believe it or not, this is my first highschool party.

Besides, it wouldn't be responsible

Better than the bathtub?

Better than this?

Big Stiffy?

Billy! Oh, my God, you're looking so svelte.

Blowjob Lipstein.

Bluck!

Bob from Acquisitions had a heart attack.

Bob, what are you doing here?

Boo!

Boy, these pages are all stuck together here.

Bravo, by the way.

Bring it home, and apply it to Michelle.

Bring it on.

But do you think you could give us a minute?

But he hasn't even shown up yet.

But he was never that interested.

But I am putting you to work.

But I don't need to do that. I can do that tomorrow.

But I have to say you're much sexier in person.

But I will, believe me.

But I'm not going to.

But if there's anything that you want to talk about,

But it's very important not to stop being a husband and a wife.

But my point is, when you have a kid, you become a dad and a mom.

But no matter how much time passes

But now it's time, Chris, to see if America thinks you done brought it.

But now that we're back here in the town,

But remember our first time was at a Stifler party.

But the fact that I still have feelings for you

But the fact that you've been with Heather already, kind of makes it okay.

But we're not in high school any more.

But were we just as obnoxious as these kids back in the day?

But what do you say we keep this party going, and hit up this reunion together?

But you can't just wait for the two of you to be alone.

But you could come with us.

But,

But, I gotta be honest, Chris, I could use a little adventure myself.

But, thanks for understanding.

But, uh...

But, you know what, at least I got to keep little Furlong.

But, you know, seems like people are actually going.

But... Yeah, yeah...

By the way, I fucked Mario Lopez!

By the way, I had no clue what I was doing with any of this shit,

Can I cut in?

Can I get a pic?

Can I help you?

Can I talk to you guys for a sec?

Can you believe that jerk?

Celebrity Dance Off, Season Six. My man, Chris Ostreicher.

Ch!

Chad, which college football powerhouse

Changed at all, Jim.

Chester!

Chillax.

Chow time!

Chris Ostreicher, Ron Douglas. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Chris, I'm so sorry, man.

Chris, this is Ron, my boyfriend.

Chris!

Classic rock? This is classic rock now?

Coffee for the pretty lady?

Come dance with us. No, it's okay.

Come on and get in bed with me?

Come on, buddy, I'm busting balls. Huh?

Come on, come on, come on. Fuck, yeah!

Come on, guys. Not cool!

Come on, guys. That was pretty funny.

Come on, I'm not fighting you, okay?

Come on, man!

Come on, man! What are you smoking, Ocho?

Come on, Stifler!

Come on, stop

Come on, we'll go a few days early. No Stifler this time.

Come on! Shit!

Come on! We're going to the same place.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Get in bed with me.

Come on. I was a complete jerk last night.

Come on. No one will ever find out.

Come on. Okay, good.

Cool, dude. What the fuck?

Could Jim be any more obvious?

Could this party get any lamer?

Crazy, huh? Look at us.

Dad, don't worry. I'll hook you up.

Dad, it's okay.

Dad, stop, okay? It's exactly what I'm gonna...

Dad, what are you doing?

Dad, you've always been there to give me advice.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad? Ah!

Daddy needs a Band Aid.

Daddy, boo boo.

Daddy?

Daddy.

Definitely not for your dick.

Definitely.

Deshaun's the interior decorator I told you about.

Dick! Hey, ladies...

Dicks.

Did you and Mom...

Did you feel it?

Did you guys see the look on their faces?

Did you hear?

Did you just refer to yourself as "the Stifmeister"?

Did you...

Didn't realize the Special Olympics competed at night.

Didn't we? Yes, we did.

Different.

Do it for Jim, dude, don't be selfish.

Do it. Do it! Don't puss out.

Do me a favor, take a look at the tape.

Do you have any last thoughts for the audience?

Do you have something that's a bit sexier?

Do you have those photos?

Do you mind if I tell you how I feel?

Do you see him? Jim! Jim!

Do you think maybe it's time for you to

Do you think you can do that?

Do you think?

Do you...

Does this song sound familiar?

Doesn't change who we really are.

Don't be a pussy, Jim.

Don't be.

Don't get me wrong, all right.

Don't hurt my friend!

Don't listen to him.

Don't mess with the Class of '99, bitch!

Don't push me.

Don't puss out!

Don't worry. I locked it.

Don't worry. I was going to shut the lights off anyway.

Don't you know they fired your ass?

Don't...

Down it, man! Just chug it! Chug it!

Drink it! Drink it!

Drink it. Drink it! Drink it! No, I can't.

Dropped him!

Dude, find your balls and return them to your sack.

Dude, she wants to fuck you big time, dude.

Dude, these young chicks, they know some crazy shit in the bedroom.

Dude, yes, she is.

Dude, you have an amazing body!

Dude, you need to get banged bad.

Dude, you walked in on Doug and Barry in the shower.

Dudes!

Dudes?

Eighteen, wow.

Ellie, this is Vicky.

Especially mine.

Evan, don't touch that!

Evan! What the...

Every time I want to shop online and I start typing "Amazon,"

Everybody, raise the roof for Chris Ostreicher!

Everything's okay. Everything's fine.

Exactly!

Exactly.

Excuse me, officer.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Faster than a speeding stroller, more powerful than a mini van.

Feel the sofa.

Fellas, do you gotta stare?

Finch has a mom?

Finch was a klutz.

Finch, just tell them.

Finch!

Finch? Finch!

Finchy.

Fine! He's all yours.

Fine.

Fine.

First you fuck with my jet ski, then you fuck my girlfriend?

For kicking some horny kid's teeth in

For sure.

For the last few years, and from home.

For you.

From when you got drunk and fell in the lake.

Fuck Finch. Let him spend the night in jail.

Fuck that!

Fuck yeah, Mr. Levenstein!

Fuck yeah! I jizzed like a racehorse.

Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!

Fuck!

Fuck! Dude!

Fucker!

Fucker. What was that?

Fucking awesome.

Fucking bullshit!

Gentlemen.

Get off my husband, you little piece of shit!

Get up, gimp!

Girls, one at a time, please.

Girls, this is Stifler.

Give it back, Stifler.

Give it back!

Give it to me, daddy. Give it to me... Oh, yeah.

Give it to me, daddy. Oh, yeah.

Go fuck yourself, Stifler.

Go out there, and get some ass.

Go, go, go!

Go, go. Go, go, go, go. Go, go.

God, you're so big, it hurts.

God.

Gonna have to find me.

Good evening, sir.

Good eye.

Good to see you, pal.

Good to see you. Yeah, man.

Got a whole '90s theme planned.

Gotcha.

Great movie.

Great, everybody's getting laid but me.

Gross!

Gross.

Guess the party's over.

Guy has a heart attack right there.

Guys, I screwed up.

Guys, I'm telling you, tonight is gonna be the night she promised me a year ago.

Guys, this is stupid.

Guys?

Half the lacrosse team was gay.

Happy birthday, princess.

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday.

Hasta la vista, Stifler.

Have you ever thought about being a party planner?

Have you heard from Michelle?

Haven%I seen you before?

He flipped out, I don't know.

He is crazy.

He touched my snatch!

He turned the damn thing into a crumble in about two seconds.

He was in the hospital for two weeks.

He won that bike betting on the World Cup in Argentina.

He's adorable.

He)', guys.

Heather, I want this.

Heather, you can believe this,

Heather.

Heather.

Hell yes! That's why I'm here.

Hell, yeah. I got my first rim job at the Falls.

Hello, my old friends.

Hello, son! Come here.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, you. How are you?

Hello.

Her given name was Loni, Stifler.

Here she comes!

Here you go.

Herman's Hermits.

HEY HEY...

Hey, babe, I'm home!

Hey, bar wench, can I get a Budweiser?

Hey, buddy. What's up, pal?

Hey, Christopher!

Hey, come on in.

Hey, don't forget, you were the one who broke up with me

Hey, excuse me. What the hell is going on?

Hey, give me a second, I gotta find some toilet paper.

Hey, guys, check it out.

Hey, guys!

Hey, guys. Sorry we're late.

Hey, Heather, you down there?

Hey, hi.

Hey, hon. Hey!

Hey, I can explain everything! Jesus!

Hey, I got a treat for everybody. I picked something up.

Hey, I missed your wedding, I wasn't gonna miss this.

Hey, I was just gonna do a birthday shot.

Hey, Jess

Hey, Jim, can you hand me those paper towels, please?

Hey, Jim, your dad is so much cooler than you.

Hey, Jim.

Hey, Jim. Do you wanna introduce me to your friends?

Hey, Jim. Oz.

Hey, Kara, how are you getting home tonight?

Hey, Kara! We gotta go.

Hey, Kev, you know who my favorite housewife is?

Hey, Kev!

Hey, Kev.

Hey, Kevin, is that a pussy on your face?

Hey, kid! What do you think you're doing?

Hey, ladies, why don't we give them some time to catch up?

Hey, Loni.

Hey, Mia?

Hey, remember that one time at band camp,

Hey, shitbreak, when you're getting rammed by your cellmate tonight,

Hey, Steve, come on, this is...

Hey, stud.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, take it easy, Ron.

Hey, that chick was in band?

Hey, the fight's over, guys.

Hey, watch it! Okay, jeez.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, you know what? I think I have to go to the bathroom.

Hey, you know, Kara, you should drink some more water.

Hey, you were moving to LA with no return in sight.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Come on, come on, let's go!

Hey! Dipshit!

Hey! Hi.

Hey! Whoa! Careful! Careful. Yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, girls.

Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hmm?

Hmm? Have a shot.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hold it in!

Hold it, Michelle.

Hold on, is that really happening?

Hold on, Michelle's friend from band?

Hold on. Let Stifler do his thing.

Holy Jesus! Kara?

Holy shit!

Holy shit! Excuse me.

Holy shit! What?

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit. I'm sorry, I don't need...

Honestly, not that much.

Honestly, that was more about me being nervous.

Hope you guys are thirsty. Stifler Claus is here.

Hopefully I will see you tomorrow.

Hopefully, it'll be more of a bratwurst by the time he's a teenager...

Hors d'oeuvres!

How about a joint, then?

How are you? Oh!

How do you do?

How is your mother, Stifler?

How often

How the hell does she know my name?

How would you know?

How you doing, Dad? I'm good.

How'd you find me?

How'd you get back in?

Huh?

Huh? Maybe a little pendant? The new Nicki Minaj album?

Huh? Oh, no! You're very pretty, Kara. You're very, very...

Huh? Oh, that? That's...

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah I'm okay. I was just... Um...

Huh? That's good, it's all clean.

Hurry up. Come on!

I actually haven't thought much about that.

I always preferred staying at home, throwing on a little NPR.

I always wanted Paul to be more into sports.

I am a bit jealous.

I am an assistant manager at a Staples in Bayonne, New Jersey.

I am in charge of the reunion.

I am not sure yet.

I am so sorry for all of this. I cn explain.

I am sure your wife would be very happy to read that.

I appreciate that, Kevin. But my mom, actually, bailed me out.

I bet you did.

I bet you were all desperate virgins back then.

I bet.

I blame you. How much did you let him drink last night?

I booked Chumbawamba.

I can do it, okay? I promise, I'll get it done.

I can top that.

I can totally sneak her in through the back door.

I can't be mad at my angel.

I can't believe how much you've grown up.

I can't believe it's you.

I can't believe the way I acted. I'm so embarrassed.

I can't believe you're here.

I can't just leave her here naked, you know?

I can't tell you how many times I walked into Steven's room

I didn't have a date.

I didn't think you were gonna make it.

I do have to warn you, though,

I do love you, but you need to

I do.

I don't have to go on with that.

I don't know how much longer we can go on like this.

I don't know if you've heard. Mmm?

I don't know who this is, but I'm pretty fucking busy right now.

I don't know, I guess I just felt guilty.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Can you promise to keep your shirt on?

I don't know. I don't think...

I don't know. I'm a mom now.

I don't know. It might be normal in your world.

I don't need that... I don't need that kind of massage, Jim.

I don't need this.

I don't pay you to think. You are a temp.

I don't really remember.

I don't remember.

I don't think he's going to show.

I don't think so, Steven. I'm not much of a drinker.

I don't think so.

I don't think that's it. That's not it?

I don't think we're dressed appropriately for the occasion.

I feel like a whole new man after this weekend.

I feel the sooner you realize that you're the bitch,

I followed you. I had to see it with my own eyes.

I fucked Finch's mom.

I get it.

I got it.

I got my high school reunion.

I got your Jew scarf!

I gotta go.

I guess I thought I'd have a family by now.

I guess this is it, huh? Back to reality?

I guess we had the same idea, huh?

I had a blast. I was unforgettable.

I have been in her house a million times to babysit.

I have to get a drink.

I have to go right now, but I'll call you back in a little bit.

I have to tell you something.

I heard Finch's mom doesn't even know where he is.

I honestly think I had fun.

I just don't want you to settle.

I just forgot how awesom this is.

I just got this feeling like something really bad is about to happen.

I just need a nap. What?

I just thought they were wrestling.

I just wanted another glimpse. No.

I just...

I know exactly where they're going.

I know how you feel.

I know I do.

I know this place like the back of my cock.

I know you wouldn't.

I know, I can't help it.

I know, this is so much better, right?

I know! I know!

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I lied to my best friends, and I'm sorry.

I like your breasts Door.

I liked you because you were still the same good guy

I love Ellie more than anything.

I love him so much. More now than ever before.

I love how, after all these years, you're still taking care of me.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I married the most wonderful woman in the world.

I mean, do you really think he would come with all he has going on?

I mean, I'm in. Of course I'm in. Come on, what?

I mean, if the cops come by and find out I'm involved,

I mean, it's not every day you get to see a model walking around off the page.

I mean, whatever happened, I feel guilty.

I mean, you're Finch's mom?

I mean, you're probably having more sex than any of us.

I miss you, babe.

I miss you, too.

I need an escape route!

I need you guys to distract her parents.

I need you to go in on Sunday and get everything ready. Yes?

I once walked into my bedroom

I pre ejaculated twice.

I promise you I will do everything I can to make it up to you.

I promise you, this weekend,

I really am.

I really can't keep Michelle waiting. Can we just head back?

I really need to talk about, Jim.

I really was admiring how clean your toilet was in your bathroom.

I remember, I couldn't wait till graduation

I sat around writing X Files fan fiction.

I saw a monster. A what?

I saw it all on Kathie Lee & Hoda.

I say we keep this party going.

I say we make this weekend our bitch.

I see somebody's been stalking my Facebook page.

I should really wait for someone special.

I shouldn't. Yes, we should, yes, we should.

I still don't get why we need an interior decorator.

I suggest you stay out late.

I swear I had these all taken down. How did you...

I swear, I was just trying to do the right thing, and I...

I take that back.

I think Evan may be developing a rash.

I think I Will.

I think I'm going to take a bath, okay?

I think I'm the happiest man in the world thanks to you.

I think one of those guys was Kara's babysitter.

I think what I've learned is to be true

I think you are a lot more than sidekick material.

I thought about throwing them out,

I thought he was gonna cut their jet skis free.

I thought you always come to these things together.

I thought you'd never...

I told him we're in.

I told you he was funny.

I told you I was an expert.

I told you to print out the morning numbers and put them on my desk,

I took care of you.

I translated The Brothers Karamazov into Latin for fun.

I understand. It's just, you know, he's two.

I walked into the kitchen once, and I saw Jim humping a pie.

I want to see.

I want us.

I want you so bad.

I want you to be my first.

I want you to come all over my...

I want you to dust off that old dick of yours,

I want you! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I want you.

I wanted us to have a fucking fun time

I was head cheerleader.

I was just planning on staying in tonight

I was just upset that you would think that I would do that

I was just watching your old Bar Mitzvah tape.

I was just watching your show a minute ago.

I was kind of hoping to spend a little time with the wife.

I was reaching for something.

I was running this drill every weekend.

I was talking about

I was the kid who everyone saw on the Internet.

I was thinking about it, and you're right.

I was thinking it could be kind of romantic.

I woke up next to her in bed, and all our clothes were off.

I work at JBH Global.

I would prefer it if I was the one

I wouldn't call being with Ron "settling."

I'd love to.

I'll be right back, okay?

I'll bet. Jesus, Finch.

I'll get us some drinks.

I'll get you off, you get me off.

I'll see you later, buddy.

I'm a father for Christ's sakes.

I'm a fucking heart surgeon, this guy's not even on ESPN.

I'm a lesbian now, and this is my girlfriend.

I'm about to! I'm about to!

I'm an expert, Jim. Trust me. I got this shit.

I'm disappointed.

I'm going to drop Ev at my grandma's

I'm going to fucking kill you.

I'm going to get us some shots.

I'm going to kill you!

I'm going to stay with my grandmother.

I'm gonna throw up.

I'm her boyfriend.

I'm here for you.

I'm here to pick him up. I'm his mom.

I'm Jim's dad.

I'm just fucking with you.

I'm just going to run out for a sec.

I'm just saying that usually I'm not one for swapping,

I'm kidding. Come on, I'm kidding!

I'm looking for Paul Finch. Have you seen him anywhere?

I'm not gonna cheat on my wife!

I'm not here!

I'm not talking about the show.

I'm not worth jack shit, Dron.

I'm old enough to know that, Dad.

I'm on my way to your place and...

I'm out of here.

I'm Rachel.

I'm ready.

I'm really sorry.

I'm screwed.

I'm sorry, but you have had a little too much to drink tonight,

I'm sorry, excuse me.

I'm sorry, guys, you'll have to excuse me.

I'm sorry, I will.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You are busy, yes?

I'm sorry. You're right.

I'm Stifler's mom.

I'm still that guy.

I'm sure you will.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it perfect.

I'm your dick.

I've been hanging outwith my parents.

I've been looking all over for you.

I've been out of the game for so long.