8-Bit Christmas Edit

A brand new set of World Book encyclopedias!

A bully like Claude Lemieux is not worth a hill of beans.

A Cabbage Patch Kid!

A county wide ban on selling video game systems.

A donkey. Can you believe that?

A kid who thinks. How refreshing.

A known psycho,

A little easier for me this year...

A marble stuck in a nostril...

A maze of rubber wiring and electronic intelligence so advanced

A member of the Keane family, Lacy Dog Keane...

A pool table, shuffle board, pinball machine,

A redhead with freckles.

A redhead with freckles. Don't mess it up.

A spectacular, solid wood tree fort.

A swarm of snot nosed Gordon Gekkos had been born.

A tree fort.

Abort! Abort!

Absolutely.

Ah, yes. The annual Doyle Chicago shopping trip.

Ah.

Ah... right.

Ain't gonna lie. That's a tough one, kid.

All I could talk about.

All in the name of Nintendo.

All kinds of strange things to children in Japan.

All November, all December, that's all I could think about.

All of it!

All other distractions became irrelevant.

All over town, the boys in green pounded the pavements

All right, come on, get up. I'll get you a cab. Come on.

All right, fine. Maybe Meg Platt, Steve Dybsky,

All right, go, go, go!

All right, you can take that off now.

All right.

All right. $70.

All right. Let's go clean up. Come on.

All right. Take a deep breath.

All right. You're feeling better?

All thanks to Lizzy.

All those wreaths for nothing.

All you're gonna have to do is go to the library.

Also known as my dad's least favorite

An amazing showing...

And a snack drawer better stocked

And at Christmas time that's just perfect.

And Claude Lemieux is still jawing away.

And Coach.

And could never quite finish the kitchen.

And did I mention how much I like your sweater?

And every kid at Mary Todd Lincoln Elementary was at his mercy...

And everything else.

And Farmer is off the phone.

And Farmer.

And future CEO of Hodges Industries.

And give her a big...

And Grandma and Grandpa won't get you one...

And guess what happened Christmas morning?

And has his pocket picked by Shane Corson...

And his lunch was almost exclusively tuna.

And I didn't get the chance... until now.

And I love this time of year.

And I need to make a phone call.

And I stopped appreciating what I already had.

And I was stuck next to a kid eating erasers like Tic Tacs.

And I'm not the only one who thinks that, by the way.

And if you don't give me back my Trapper Keeper right now

And in second place...

And it was every kid for themselves.

And it's also against the law.

And it's extremely rare.

And just like that, it was gone.

And late night skygazing with Trotter for Soviet spy planes.

And make it back to the bus before Olsen ran out of puke.

And most expensive day of the year.

And Mrs. Keane are outside the store.

And my mom got me these boots. And I hate them, too!

And now...

And scouts are supposed to have honor,

And stop fiddling with the hand plane.

And stuff oozed out of his nose.

And that's when I saw it.

And that's when it hit me.

And the adult beverage refrigerator case at the gas station.

And then a dog was crushed by a TV.

And then when you're done...

And there she was, glistening in all her gray plastic glory,

And there was nothing we could do about it.

And there, high above the frozen dog poo

And they have baseballs on them.

And this.

And this.

And this.

And this.

And we were celebrating the city's centennial.

And what's your retainer doing out of your mouth?

And whatever we could find we'd build, like,

And work on the fort tomorrow?

And you could get her to agree to stuff she wouldn't normally agree to.

And you have no idea that they have a lot of money?

And you left school early yesterday

And you really feel that video games promote violence enough

And you're doing all these bad things, all the time...

And...

Another great Christmas.

Any Chicago team.

Any of you huddled masses care for some Nintendo?

Anybody had a chance now.

Apparently, video games have been doing

Approaching Michigan Avenue.

Are our teachers.

Are special.

Are we gonna have a snow day today?

Are you even in this troop?

Are you gonna cry now?

Are you gonna make me?

Are you gonna sell us a black market Cabbage Patch Kid, or what?

Are you kidding me?

Are you making all this up?

Are you okay?

As I sat there and watched Timmy Keane

As I slowly tried to grasp the situation

As long as I didn't run into any major obstacles

As the vast majority of his time

At a hotel, I think, in downtown?

At first, I thought, "Maybe no one will notice."

Aw.

Awesome story of all time.

Back off, Jack!

Back then, people were more close minded about fashion.

Back then, they were a death sentence.

Baseball cards, Farmer.

Because I am now going to tell you the story about how I got my Nintendo.

Because I've always wanted a sister. Stop interrupting me.

Because it still hasn't been picked up.

Because the World's Fair was here...

Because they need to get done, that's why.

Because Tom Cruise needed you to stunt double for him?

Because we know that even when we blow these candles out...

Before I knew it, the entire mall was chanting my name.

Before you start work on their retainers.

Behold the Power Glove...

Behold...

Besides not losing my retainer or my sister

Best kid ever.

Best Patch in the Tri City.

Billy Ripken.

Bingo.

Blackhawk fans around the world,

Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.

Blast away an inch from the screen to his evil heart's content,

Blue Bird, this is Rambo One.

Bookends?

Boom!

Boom! You can give up now.

Boop. Boop.

Boots...

Bring it down now. Video game over.

Built forts in the woods.

But an 8 bit entertainment system.

But Christmas can still be great.

But eventually it'll be like nothing happened.

But for some reason, I started playing the game of my life.

But I can't get what I want?

But I got some ketchup on my sweatshirt.

But I just don't have it in me to laugh right now.

But I love my mom.

But I managed to sell a whopping 47 wreaths to the nursing home.

But I thought Loyal Ranger Scouts were for boys.

But I thought that it was an Asian tool brand, like Makita.

But I was gonna get one on my own.

But I'll tell you what, this tree fort turned out to be a pretty great present.

But if you ask me...

But if you gave her a third task to juggle, things got dicey,

But it is possibly the most amazing, dangerous,

But it turned out, I didn't know what was about to hit me.

But it's Teddy.

But just to make Christmas shopping

But my friend, Mikey Trotter, saw it.

But now...

But Timmy Keane lost his dang mind that day.

But tonight, I was a man on a mission.

But we'd later realized a horror that defined our generation.

But we're eating.

But what do we say?

But who's with me?

But you can still have a good Christmas.

But you left out the best part.

But you said I could get one for Christmas.

Buttface!

Bye and bye.

Cabbage Patch Kids don't make you fat.

Camouflage, check.

Can I help you boys?

Can I text Maeve from your phone after?

Can we ask about the Nintendo?

Can we go back in the bus now?

Can we turn on the Christmas carols?

Can you...

Can't read Jenny Jablecki's handwriting on this, Mom.

Care Bears are for babies.

Careful with the varnish.

Check, check. Over.

Check, check. Over.

Cheer up!

Chop, chop, chop!

Christmas was dead to me now.

Come here!

Come here.

Come here.

Come into a little cabbage?

Come on in here and help me.

Come on, buddy. Thumbs up.

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

Come on, Dad.

Come on, Farmer. Now we're never gonna get in.

Come on, guys. We still got each other.

Come on, let's play.

Come on, man. He's 11.

Come on, unleash your power!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! What's a guy gotta do?

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on!

Come on. Let's go, go, go!

Come on. Let's go.

Come on. Pick them up and put them down, buddy.

Come on. You gotta focus, man.

Coming through. Sorry.

Connor Stump

Connor Stump wasn't a weirdo. He was a rebel.

Considering Farmer's constant claims to victory,

Cool. Can I text Maeve now?

Cool. I'll do anything you say.

Copy that.

Could I get some help here?

Could I have the lights, please?

Could I just tell the story?

Couple of paper clips, mouth guard... Done.

Cry in a bucket, Jake.

Cry in a bucket, that dog poops a lot.

Dad, you said I could have one, too.

Dad! It's awesome!

Dad! The floodlights!

Dad.

Damn.

Darn it!

Did Elwood diarrhea on you?

Did it bother me that my dad went to

Did it have to be Farmer?

Did someone say "make something up"?

Did you guys hear?

Did you know that Australia's chief export is coal briquettes?

Did you know that Esprit is French for "cool"?

Did you know that this mall has the largest selection

Did you wear a helmet?

Did you wear the safety glasses?

Didn't let you have video games when you were little.

Die, die!

Dinner is served.

Dinner's ready! Come on in!

Do you actually think that maybe you could have...

Do you have something that you'd like to share with the rest of the class?

Do you have to do that right now?

Do you know how expensive that thing is? Put it back in.

Do you know how many games I have here, Jake?

Do you know that's a felony?

Do you wanna deal with your sister

Does anybody have some candy or a nudie magazine or something?

Does anybody want some Tang?

Doing good.

Don't be scared of Jagorski, he's only big in size.

Don't spend your money. Stay in school!

Don't think I haven't been watching you, Jake.

Don't touch the wall! It's French.

Don't wanna hit any traffic.

Don't worry about behind the shed.

Don't worry about it.

Don't you think that's peculiar, Dad?

Done.

Donkey this, donkey that. How am I gonna get this donkey?

Dr. Keane had assembled a meeting

Dr. Keane, it's only eight shopping days now

Dr. Timothy Keane Senior, that's who.

Drat!

Drop him off at the side door on Monroe.

Dude, you're on fire.

Dude.

Duh. They banned Nintendo.

DuPage County.

Each one of us in that basement knew we were about to witness history.

Each with their own door,

Elves!

Enough with the dee doos, for crying out loud,

Envisioning the acres of Alaskan pine forest

Equaled roughly nine minutes of vomit.

Erasers are good. Do you want one?

Evan Olsen almost got frostbite from playing outside.

Evan Olsen.

Even I was getting the hang of it.

Even ones with red hair.

Every day before school, we would gather,

Every good craftsman leaves their mark.

Every store from Wheaton to Winnetka's out.

Every store in Kane County has agreed to it.

Everybody, no bathroom breaks, okay?

Excuse me.

Fans everywhere have had...

Farmer says he got one, but he also says he got a jetpack. So...

Fast.

Fat ladies standing by quietly warmed their vocal chords.

Feel the Glove.

Felt like an Isotoner.

Fetch! Go!

Fifty eight minutes to Grandpa and Grandma's. With traffic.

Fine.

First prize looked even bigger than a normal NES system.

First ten, that's it.

Five bags here, John. Hold on.

Flashlight campouts with Olsen and the Hodges

For reasons unknown, to get pummeled by Jagorski

For the A Team? Yeah, right.

For there, lying under the weight

For weeks, I'd been plotting

For your encyclopedia set.

Forget about her, Jake. She's gone.

Forget Christmas.

Forget your sister, Jake. She's useless.

Four minutes, Super Falcon. You got this.

Fresh air!

Fresh air?

Fresh air.

From thou thy bounty, to Jesus Christ's name...

Future assistant to the CEO of Hodges Industries.

Game time.

Gentlemen and the Hodges girl.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

Get him, Tammy! Get him!

Get me a Pop Tart!

Get some money...

Get the alarm! Get the alarm!

Get to the wreaths, Halberg!

Get your coats and boots on, head on over...

Get your mom under control, Trotter!

Getting a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Gimme! Gimme!

Giving the only Nintendo in town to a rich kid like Timmy Keane.

Go ahead.

Go ahead. Tell them your name, Jake.

Go back and sit with your dork girlfriend

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Go, Keane, go! Taekwondo!

Go, Keane, go! Taekwondo!

Go, Keane, go! Taekwondo!

Go!

God bless it, Jake!

God bless it!

God bless it.

God bless it. Where the hell is it?

God, Lizzy!

God, why is it so hot in here?

Good girl, good girl.

Good morning, Chicago.

Good. Ma, this kid thinks your wreath sucks!

Got it!

Gotta hit the road.

Grandma! Hi, Grandma!

Great articles.

Great, all right, cool.

Great.

Great. Farmer knows. Secret's safe.

Guys, coats, gloves. What are we doing?

Guys, there's a payphone across the street.

Guys! Guys!

Guys...

Had accidentally bought me girl's boots.

Hai karate, Keane!

Has anyone seen my SKIL saw?

Has your dog ever been crushed to near death by your TV?

Have you sold enough wreaths?

He almost lost his pinkie toe.

He always carried around a recorder

He ate a whole bag of candy corn for breakfast.

He didn't care about being called names.

He didn't care about bullies, so why should I?

He dishes back to Larmer. Larmer down the near side,

He doesn't want a Cabbage Patch Kid now, does he?

He finally wore you down.

He had the tendency to lose his mind on a regular basis.

He has, hasn't he?

He knows I too have a need for speed.

He offered me an honest deal at an honest price.

He only cares about it now because they're giving away a Nin...

He said something about stabbing our water bed this morning.

He shoots, he scores!

He smells like my dad after he practices guitar in the garage.

He was a hero.

He was a magician.

He was doing would be the last thing I wanted to do,

He was my dad.

He was playing the Nintendo.

He's a pathological liar!

He's a podiatrist.

He's all talk, no walk.

He's coming out!

He's gonna let us in?

He's jerking the wheel like he's milking a cow.

He's not a cop, all right? Now, come on.

He's not a cop.

He's really the Shackleton of the librarians.

Hello, Jake.

Hello, ma'am. 'Tis the season.

Hello, young lady. I was hoping your mother was home.

Hello?

Hello?

Herculean lengths to get my sister a present?

Here we go!

Here, come with me.

Here, I'll take the handsaw.

Here. Carve your initial.

Here. You can have the remote.

Hey, boots off!

Hey, Doyle. Gotta look out for those "no solicitor" signs.

Hey, everybody! Jake Doyle's wearing girls' boots!

Hey, guys. What's up?

Hey, hold up, hold up, hold up.

Hey, I bet you haven't even told somebody "Merry Christmas" this year, have you?

Hey, I got my dad's Sports Illustrated.

Hey, if life was fair,

Hey, is there a bar at the food court?

Hey, Jake. Your dad and I are gonna go upstairs

Hey, Mom! Didn't know you guys were back.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Mom. Did you know

Hey, no sucking on the soda pop.

Hey, so, Mom, I was thinking, for Christmas...

Hey, start with the ones behind the shed.

Hey, that's no excuse, okay?

Hey, the milk is expired.

Hey, there's still a ton of poop in the backyard. Okay?

Hey, this redhead doesn't have any freckles.

Hey, what can I tell ya? It was the '80s.

Hey, why don't you come back and have a seat?

Hey, you guys wanna play?

Hey, you haven't seen my air compressor, have you?

Hey, you wanna hear about my ant farm?

Hey, you wanna shoot pucks in the driveway later?

Hey!

Hey! What're you doing?

Hey! You beeping at me?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. What're you...

Hi ya! Hi ya!

Hi, everybody.

Hi! You look just like my grandson.

Hi. My name is...

His parents said he couldn't get a Nintendo last night.

Hmm, how about Rampage?

Hmm.

Hmm. It looks like Tupperware.

Hockey stick slats turned out okay, huh?

Hold on a second.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Home of Nintendo.

Honey, go on. Lead the way.

How about a nice face wash, Doyle?

How about a winning team?

How about getting me a Nintendo?

How are you feeling, Olsen?

How can I win it?

How did you get the Nintendo?

How do you get into homes that don't have chimneys?

How do you know that?

How many you got, Jake?

How the hell do you lose a sausage?

How to get my parents to say "yes" to a Nintendo for Christmas.

How'd you get your hands so strong?

How's Four Eyes?

Huh. A gift from Uncle Dan.

I agree.

I always have a good Christmas.

I began to fear that I might never recover from this.

I call dibs if there's a dead squirrel back there again.

I can do this all day.

I can hear you.

I can tell, you've got what it takes.

I can't get in trouble now. It's almost Christmas.

I can't get past them without them seeing me.

I could make it to Timmy Keane's house in just under eight minutes.

I could make one of those. Easy.

I could tell right away there was no Nintendo under that tree.

I didn't even know that you were selling wreaths this year.

I didn't know that, no.

I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear to God.

I do miss my dad... A lot.

I don't get it.

I don't have a nephew.

I don't know, just how it works.

I don't know! Make something up.

I don't know.

I don't know. Something good.

I don't know. That's why I'm calling you.

I don't know. We could get in trouble.

I don't know. Wow! Jesus!

I don't like doing that stuff!

I don't like hockey anymore.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

I don't see any carnival rides around here, do you?

I don't think anybody in Chicago has one yet besides Keane.

I don't think it could get any worse.

I don't think that means what you think it means.

I don't want anyone getting upset, okay?

I don't want anyone here getting their hopes up.

I feel like maybe we should leave tomorrow morning.

I feel like we should definitely try on a few today.

I figured I'd be good to go... Oh, God!

I figured it cost roughly as much as a new car.

I get more calls on your phone than you do.

I got a goldfish, Keane! You want it?

I got a goldfish! I got a goldfish!

I got a lot on my mind too.

I got a lot on my mind, Lizzy.

I got another 'Nam poem for you entitled "A Tie is Not a Loss."

I got him down from $100. Can you believe that?

I got it.

I got past them, I'm in the clear!

I got the name of two brothers up in Villa Park selling them for $50.

I gotta go through Mom and Dad.

I grew up on that magazine.

I guess we all struck out.

I had it.

I had the dream about Tammy Hodges again.

I hate that guy!

I hate to see you disappointed.

I have a Power Glove at my house.

I have all the games.

I have no idea what it means.

I have no idea.

I have the same kind.

I heard it's good for money management.

I hope it's not Timmy.

I just made a batch.

I just wanted you to know making prank calls is very wrong.

I kinda got a lot going on, Dad.

I knew I should've kept dancing in Vegas. Knew it.

I know how to be careful.

I know you don't have a nephew. That's exactly why I'm calling.

I know you would, honey. You're such a sweetheart.

I know you've all been selling very hard this year

I know your point, Dad.

I know. So we got a deal, or what?

I lost them, I lost them, I lost them.

I love this place.

I love you, too.

I love you.

I mean, cops are crazy. You ever see RoboCop?

I mean, I don't really care. But...

I mean, orthodontistry is the biggest racket.

I meant, and this.

I need to speak to an adult in the house.

I need you to drop hints for them to get me one.

I need your help.

I need...

I needed to get my own Nintendo.

I never got it as a present. I had to work for it.

I only throw up from SpaghettiOs. It's a medical condition.

I probably gotta go home soon.

I said nothing of the sort.

I said you're not gonna get what you wanted for Christmas this year.

I said, "Every holiday that I spend with you guys..."

I second that.

I see that.

I should note, they were also flowered and French.

I sold 22 more wreaths that day.

I started calling them by their first names.

I sure have. I wrote a list, I checked it twice.

I think he'd like that.

I think it's in the shower.

I think now you're starting to mock me and this is harassment.

I think we got ourselves a pair of girl's boots here.

I thought maybe you two needed directions, so...

I thought you said Grandma and Grandpa

I thought you said you were super safe in the '80s?

I told you guys not to get your hopes up.

I wanna know what happens in the story.

I wanna set land mines in this yard.

I wanted to eat it with dinner.

I wanted to punch a kid's face until it turned into Kool Aid so bad

I was 11 years old.

I was convinced Elwood had pooped more times than any other dog

I was fitted in my dress greens and on my way...

I was in Timmy Keane's basement.

I was never getting my own Nintendo.

I was on cloud nine.

I will not take no for an answer!

I won!

I would never give Charlie the remote.

I...

I'd become a 30 year old balding man in his parents' basement

I'd become one with Nintendo.

I'd ever laid eyes on.

I'd like you to finish the living room and the dining room

I'll be right in, Dad.

I'll be watching you.

I'll do anything to be with you.

I'll give you a hint.

I'll never get one.

I'm bored.

I'm gonna get the video camera.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm in.

I'm in.

I'm not allowed to hear swear words.

I'm not embarrassing. Maeve's dad is embarrassing.

I'm not getting a phone,

I'm so sorry, Mom,

I'm sorry it's not a redhead.

I'm trying to listen to this.

I'm very glad that we do not have one.

I'm with the International Nieces and Nephews Collective.

I've been working with them for over 30 years, that's how.

I've missed you, Jake.

Idiot Grandma!

If I had a retainer, I'd wear it all the time, no matter what.

If Jagorski sees you, he'll kill you.

If she doesn't get what she wants?

If there is a heart over the "I"...

If you want, sometime, maybe I can...

In all of its...

In Kane County, the school closures are as follows...

In order, mine are T, K, A, I, E...

In record numbers,

In the entire Central Time Zone.

In the game King of the Mountain.

In the history of Batavia, Illinois,

In the history of the world.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit...

In the simple terms of, "If you lose it, don't bother coming home."

In the winter, if the streets were plowed,

In third place...

In your girl boots!

Including my best friends.

Is a real blessing.

Is can he handle the Chicago weather.

Is everything all right in there?

Is it all furry and frozen?

Is it dangerous because I might die from boredom?

Is it time yet, Jake?

Is that a dog?

Is there any way I can pay you back somehow?

Is video games.

It burns even when your eyes are closed

It changes colors when I lick it.

It could be 20 below with a Soviet attack on the way

It didn't make any sense. Why?

It has a trapdoor!

It has to be. It has to be.

It kinda made you wanna go over there and wipe her tears

It looks bad if I'm talking about it all the time to Mom and Dad.

It means you're just a sad little bully.

It says it right here! It really is a Nintendo!

It still looks wet.

It took six hours and ten cups of pudding,

It was a bad dream come to life.

It was a complicated decade.

It was a virtual video game Armageddon.

It was an early lesson in God's cruelty...

It was both. Tom Cruise and diarrhea.

It was deemed not a video game,

It was like winning more school.

It was mine.

It was never quite certain what grade Josh "King of the Mountain" Jagorski

It was somewhere hidden in here?

It was the end o of Nintendo at Keane's as we knew it.

It was the exact size and shape of the box I'd held in my hands

It was the Hodges' birthday party.

It was the most beautiful piece of machinery

It was the most crazy story I've ever heard.

It was well known up and down Linwood Avenue that in 1978

It worked!

It would be... a fair.

It's a beautiful memory and a gross cup.

It's a globe of the whole world!

It's a summer sausage. It's gourmet.

It's a very clear 15 point plan.

It's an error card.

It's an old saying.

It's called the Dewey Decimal System.

It's Christmas morning, 1988.

It's Christmas.

It's cold.

It's embarrassing.

It's for you.

It's game over at Keane's! Just go! Go! Go! Go!

It's gonna be snow, snow, snow.

It's gonna be so cold in Minnesota when we get to my parents' house,

It's gonna make a full recovery though. Right?

It's got your name on it, Jake.

It's in the backyard,

It's just a picture of a dumb wreath.

It's just me, Connor. I'm not really a lion.

It's loaded up right now.

It's modern technology taking over our lives.

It's my favorite field trip. Off to the Art Institute.

It's my favorite place at Grandma and Grandpa's.

It's not a pretty sight. Parents need to know the truth.

It's not even below zero out.

It's not fair.

It's not like losing your retainer!

It's not working! Come on!

It's only gonna get worse. It's all gonna go downhill from here!

It's probably not gonna happen.

It's really more of a suggestion.

It's sharp.

It's the best I could find.

It's the greatest error card of all time!

It's the same slide.

It's varnish. What do you want?

It's very serious...

It's what he would've wanted.

Jagorski had been King of the Mountain for too long.

Jake Doyle!

Jake Doyle!

Jake Doyle.

Jake Doyle.

Jake Doyle. Nintendo master.

Jake Stephan Doyle!

Jake, don't forget your boots.

Jake, what are we gonna do?

Jake!

Jake!

Jake!

Jake!

Jake!

Jake!

Jake! Ha!

Jake! Jake!

Jake! Jake! Jake!

Jake! Jake! Jake!

Jake! Jake! Jake!

Jake! Where...

Jake? Jake?