All About Nina Edit

A big part of me just wants to leave.

A bit of performance, a bit of hope.

A married cop?

A walking stereotype. So am I.

About their childhood.

Absolutely.

Actually gagged.

Actually this is the first time I've ever been to a comedy club.

Actually, yes.

Actually, you're not that smart.

Against abuse.

Ah, now, you deserve better than that.

Ah, the usual.

Ah, they were clingers.

Ah, you don't have to do anything.

Ah!

Ah. I invited you in,

All healthy shit.

All I can tell you is that Rafe is a solid dude.

All right, you guys ready for your first comedian?

All right? Here's what I'm gonna do.

All right? I don't need to sit in a circle to own my truth.

All right. Real defensive.

All right. Well, I'll get in touch with you later.

All right. You can put your claws away there, Wolverine.

All these people are here to see you.

All those references are worthless now.

Am I supposed to know? Are you some sort of...

Am I turning Cher southern?

Amy, do you remember we had a conversation

Amy's parents, they live in LA.

And also the underbelly of a fairy,

And also, I find it pretty amusing

And another guy, he saved dolphins for a living

And ask you what your favorite color is.

And couldn't possibly imagine that it was a human smell.

And going on to solve the energy crisis,

And have a good time.

And he was just like a... a beautiful human being.

And here's something else you probably don't know.

And I can understand why you would feel that way.

And I can't stop fucking him.

And I didn't stop her.

And I don't like that, so...

And I don't want you to think this is a hit and run.

And I had spinach in my teeth. Like, how embarrassing.

And I said, "Welcome.

And I smiled every time you recapped Days of our Lives

And I think I'm gonna...

And I want to fuck her.

And I want you to know that I believe in you.

And I will come after you if something goes wrong. I will.

And I would still be bonerific...

And I'm glad that we agree.

And I'm wondering if that's all people are gonna see

And I've tried.

And if I hadn't called?

And if you do?

And in walks Joe.

And it's easy to think I'm into casual sex,

And it's like, you can just tell me you're gonna try to choke me in bed.

And it's your turn now.

And it's, you know, not a warm room.

And just because I grew up next door to you,

And just get up in the face of everybody who accidentally bumps into you.

And just shit that blood out.

And just the kind of asshole I like to ride.

And let a guy stare into your eyes

And let me pay for a fucking drink?

And make you come before the kids wake up.

And move on from.

And my girlfriend is not in town.

And now I have to go handle your career.

And now you know.

And on top, millions and millions of urban electrons.

And once he knows I'm in the business

And over the next day or two,

And play Phil Collins,

And put plates on top of it,

And quiet.

And rage.

And she's dead now.

And so you're like... [grunts]

And some fruit.

And stating one instance in which

And that is not gonna go away.

And that's not what I want.

And then be able to express those feelings.

And then just be like, "I read your horoscope, babe."

And then, if somebody comes at us with a machete,

And then, the 90s ended.

And they hate it when I do that.

And this is Bijork ordering a smoothie.

And usually pudgy.

And we can hang out and I'll make you dinner.

And when you ignore a request of mine,

And yes, he hits me. He's a cop. Duh.

And yes, I am jealous of them.

And you are a female.

And you just take a damn shit.

And you never been with anyone?

And you shouldn't out her, Carrie.

And you were... You were great.

And you're like, "Ah, I gotta take a shit."

And you're like, "Oh, I gotta take a shit."

And your asshole tighten?

And your material possessions

Angry.

Any Ganja equivalence in your life?

Any guy walking into a guitar center.

Any other things you wanna share?

Anyway, I know this is a lot of information.

Are they pitting us against each other?

Are we asking for too much?

Are you gonna show up, or are you just gonna fuck the doorman

Are you like a motivational speaker or something?

Are you okay? I've been trying you all morning.

Are you sure? 'Cause if I give up my apartment in New York,

As far as I'm concerned,

As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to live here.

As we get out of the car,

At least I don't smell old.

At least man up to it, you slut.

Bad.

Be straightforward so I can...

Because considering the shit I've been through,

Because I don't get it.

Because men never talk about their dicks,

Because now you're the comedian who was ****d,

Because you always want to fuck her.

Breathe.

Brendan Fraser at the Oscars a few years ago.

Bunch of old, bloated white guys being like,

But a big part of me wants to be 80 and still going on stage.

But a bunch of dudes that just couldn't stop thinking about

But also people I know I'm gonna feel comfortable with

But did you know that I tested for Comedy Prime?

But do me a favor and don't tell anyone.

But he gagged when he smelled my pussy.

But he just left his wife for you?

But here's the thing.

But I actually do cook.

But I also kind of can't stop staring.

But I do have to ask you a favor.

But I do that with every guy.

But I got it, I fucking got it.

But I mean, you have to have more than that, you know.

But I promise,

But I want you to understand

But I'm just telling you the truth about Ganja.

But I'm over it.

But I'm saying, let's just take it one step at a time.

But I'm sensing your energy...

But if he had trimmed his nails,

But instead I made up a story about

But it seems you don't like that I'm that way.

But it was by mistake. It happens.

But it was me. It was my smell.

But it would have been too much.

But Larry is still gonna have to see you do stand up.

But people didn't know about it then.

But that's exactly what pisses me off.

But there's something that just been bothering me,

But they really want a curated reality.

But we should still thank them for their presence.

But weirdly no men.

But you are freaky sometimes.

But you fucked her instead?

But you fucking asked.

But you fucking asked.

But you need a publicist.

But you try to hide it?

But you will come by.

But you're still here.

But you've also come out

But, ah, you just wanna fuck your lab assistant.

But, I mean, what is he talking about,

But, no.

But, no. Now I know you're a fucking ghoster.

But, yeah. No, I want kids.

By coming here tonight.

By going around the circle

Bye bye.

Bye.

Call 'em up.

Call me back, okay?

Can I help you?

Can I still audition for Comedy Prime?

Can we get fucked up now?

Can we have a Jack and ginger, please?

Can we have some water, please?

Can you help me set it up?

Can you start a tab for me?

Carrie told me you were coming.

Cat?

Chaos,

Cheers.

Cheers.

Coconips.

Come here.

Come here.

Come in. I'm gonna show you the house.

Come on, I can't just make you flautas the first time.

Come on.

Come on. I'm loving the band...

Come on. Look, she wanted to have a baby with me

Come on. What? What?

Come.

Comedy Prime, right?

Congratulations on the job, girl!

Considering your performance on Friday,

Continue straight.

Cordyceps, reishi and maca.

Could you not like look at me maybe? I don't...

Crazy night.

Cy. Fine.

Daddy stuff?

Damn.

Dating, dating, dating,

Dating, dating...

Defend you from what?

Dentures fall out, I don't even care.

Did I say make you dinner?

Did it get in your pussy?

Did you hate my thighs?

Did you just say... Did you just use... Oh, God.

Did you know, that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer?

Did you make flautas for Ganja?

Didn't you say you were gonna make me dinner?

Do I need to tell you not to leave the sponge

Do I want to?

Do something about it,

Do we really wanna do that? I mean...

Do you wanna get married or have children, or any of that?

Do you wanna just go, then?

Do you want me to call them for you? 'Cause I will.

Does anybody walk?

Does he have kids?

Does he know his way around?

Does he make your labia throb,

Does the cat make you feel better?

Doesn't mean you're gonna like my social media posts now, okay?

Don't be mad.

Don't call me a bitch, you bitch.

Don't do nothing.

Don't feel sorry for me.

Don't fuck it up.

Don't fucking touch me.

Don't leave, don't leave. No, no, no. Nina.

Don't worry. I'm anti war now.

Don't you know that?

Don't.

Dope.

Dr. Streisand, pick up the phone.

Driving me fucking crazy.

Eases most people into conversation.

Eight years down the line, when you've heard all his stupid jokes,

Eight years of **** will, um,

Either you're not being honest up there,

Even more insulting then, God.

Every time somebody says hello to me.

Everybody would want to take you home to mama.

Extremely rare for a comic.

Face down on the floor,

Face down on the floor,

First of all,

First of all, she's not a model.

For putting me up and everything.

For what?

For your trip to LA.

Fornication,

Freaking at 3:00 A.M.

From men trying to fuck us

Fuck off, dude.

Fuck you, Amy.

Fuck you. [laughs]

Fuck you. Why are you following me?

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck! Don't you fucking move!

Fuck! Goddammit!

Fuck! Nina!

Fucking girl comic.

Fucking hilarious.

Fucking shit!

Fucking that hot Israeli translator.

Fucks me right.

Get that.

Get that. Yes, get that.

Get the fuck off me.

Get the fuck off my daughter!

Get the hell off my property.

Girls I know don't have the balls to talk like you.

Give it up for our next comic, Mike Hall.

Give it up real big for Nina Geld.

Give me a kiss.

Give me your dick.

Gives you a fucking day off for bloodshitza.

Go fuck a dolphin, I'm out.

Go, go.

God, I must be more fucked up than I realized.

God, you're always picking on men." Yeah.

God, you're so fucking solid.

God!

God.

Gonna let the mouse out.

Good job.

Good night.

Good night.

Goodbye.

Great.

Great.

Ha ha ha ha. Yes, it's me, Emma Stone.

Have a drink, talk.

Have fun jacking off to me tonight, right?

Have you guys checked that out yet?

He do that to your face?

He hands us his headshot.

He hates New York though. He's not gonna go there. He hates it.

He left his wife for you.

He said he'd have to think about it, so...

He starts talking about films.

He was like, "Jenny, you should know

He wouldn't take you home to mama?

He's a breath of fresh air at this moment,

He's a joke.

He's been an extra for Marty,

He's done comedy, blah, blah, blah.

He's funny and sexy, and...

He's here.

He's my husband. We got two kids.

He's not a good guy. He's a cop. Hey...

Hell of a dad though, right?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Carrie? Hey.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. I am Nina.

Hello. Wow.

Help us hide the body of the dude we just shot.

Here's what really matters.

Hey, Bree. How you doing?

Hey, can I get a Jack and ginger?

Hey, don't fuck with me.

Hey, ducky, ducky.

Hey, fellas.

Hey, get back here!

Hey, hey.

Hey, I just wanna say thank you

Hey, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting into

Hey, Ken.

Hey, ladies.

Hey, Nina. It's Carrie. Good news.

Hey, what's up, guys? Thank you for showing up.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, where'd you go?

Hey, who the fuck is this guy?

Hey, you should come to my club.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey...

Hi, Mom.

Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Ganja.

Hi. Mom, hi.

Hi. Nina.

Hi. Wanna buy me a drink?

Hills, roots.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. No.

Hmm. Yeah. Thank you.

Hold on.

Honeless people are like crazier here.

Hope things are well. Talk soon.

Hope... Hope for that.

Hopefully everything will be fine.

How am I a cougar?

How are you?

How did I lose my virginity?

How did I lose my virginity?

How did you lose your virginity?"

How do you know about that?

How do you know you was ****d?"

How do you... How...

How does... When he...

How many times

How many... How many women have you been with?

How old are you?

How old are you?

How was that?

How you... How you doing?

How... What do you...

I already feel old enough as it is.

I am plucking the hairs on my chiny chin chin.

I am, too.

I apologize. It's my fault.

I asked you to come up here, and I want you to stay. Okay?

I believe despite everything,

I believe in you, Nina. Oh, shit.

I bet he chokes black people for fun, too, huh?

I bet in Canada the National Health Service

I bet you do.

I bleed through my pussy every month.

I brought this, 'cause I know you like red wine, so...

I called her a worthless bitch.

I called you and I called you.

I called you.

I can't fucking believe it.

I can't tell if that's good or bad.

I can't. I can't.

I could have been a contender.

I could have sworn you said, "Where is your vagina, bitch?"

I did a whole thing about "where's the..."

I didn't mean any of the things I said about you.

I didn't think you'd come.

I didn't... I didn't know.

I do what I love.

I do. And I'm not the only one either.

I do. I...

I do. I'm asking you to dinner, not fucking.

I don't actually think there's anything going on between us.

I don't know what the fuck you're saying,

I don't know why.

I don't know.

I don't know. It felt like I was being interviewed by the patriarchy.

I don't know. It's just, um...

I don't like being like a celebrity.

I don't like going out. I just don't...

I don't like...

I don't mind it.

I don't mind.

I don't think you're really over her.

I don't usually date, so I've never really...

I don't wanna fucking go home with you.

I don't. I fuck.

I fear a little fear in...

I feel like I'm being blamed.

I feel that way also,

I feel your energy tired.

I feel...

I figured you'd need a drink one way or the other.

I follow you on the computer and it's really sad."

I get diarrhea.

I get it. I'm not special.

I get to audition?

I got a call from a friend one morning. She's been ****d.

I got her.

I got you, I got you.

I gotta come up with material and stuff, so...

I gotta get my fucking jacket.

I gotta take a shit.

I gotta think about it, Nina.

I guess that's too much...

I guess that's what's expected of me,

I guess you can audition.

I guess you don't really know how it goes.

I guess. But I don't know.

I had to build my confidence up.

I hadn't thought about him in so long.

I have a meeting with a client in Venice.

I have mouse phobia.

I have no idea what we're talking about anymore.

I have some cereal here.

I have to go. I gotta get my stuff.

I hear you.

I hear you.

I heard you sort of had a bit of a meltdown tonight.

I hire talented performers,

I hope not, Jesus.

I just didn't want you to think that...

I just need to have a cry.

I just wanna... Just wanna...

I just wanted to make sure you knew.

I just wanted to see if you were into me.

I just... I don't know why I did that.

I kid you not,

I knew I wasn't that special

I know I might sound sexist.

I know that.

I know what I wanted to talk to you about.

I know what you're thinking. "She's black."

I know you can do wonderful things here at Comedy Prime.

I know you... You might like that.

I know you're not gonna lie this, but,

I know.

I know. Comedy Prime.

I know. I gotta go though.

I left her just like I... Nina, look at me.

I left her, Nina. I left her for you.

I left her.

I like nice things.

I like that.

I like you too much for that.

I look down, it's like a scene from fucking Saving Private Ryan.

I love Carrie. Don't you love her?

I love it. You're so old.

I love you very much., Nina.

I love you.

I love you. I love you.

I make flautas.

I make things with my hands.

I mean, ass is good.

I mean, guys come up to me all the time after sets,

I mean, I can give it to someone else.

I mean, I have to like something about someone.

I mean, I would have made flautas,

I mean, I'm gonna be here a while. So...

I mean, in certain instances, yeah, it's good.

I mean, into the cherry blossom cycle.

I mean, it's better than having the sponge all around.

I mean, it's scary, but you're not familiar to me.

I mean, life is beautiful.

I mean, not every guy out there knows how to do that.

I mean, stand up is tough to sustain, you know.

I mean, this is great and all, but,

I mean, this whole idea that you gotta go out to dinner,

I mean, what else could I do then?

I mean, you said we're not gonna fuck.

I mean, you've had plenty of people on your show

I mean...

I might even be able to love somebody some day

I missed you so much.

I need to go and to be able to support you as well.

I need trees around me.

I never had sex like this before.

I never. It was so...

I own my truth already.

I put a little something together for you,

I read there's a German word for it.

I really like everything about you.

I really want that Best Picture Oscar. [laughs awkwardly]

I recently ran into this woman

I remember this party I went to in college where... [sniffs]

I respect phobias. Okay?

I saw my father hit my mother, too, when I was a kid, Lake.

I saw my father hit my mother.

I saw that you were acting here,

I saw your post. I thought you were funny.

I see I'm on the hot seat already.

I see you.

I should probably.

I shouldn't be with 20 year olds.

I swear, I'm like three years older than you.

I swear. If men were ****d as much as women,

I think I'm a little nervous here.

I think I'm kind of your perfect guy.

I think if that information prevents people from enjoying me play Taylor Swift,

I think it's because I know we're not gonna fuck tonight.

I think it's just somebody else.

I think we need some water.

I think we're doing a great job with not having sex.

I think you are gonna have a great life out there.

I thought he was dead.

I thought you did.

I thought you turned it off?

I thought you were the one that said

I told you, I'm 40.

I turned down a date with Joaquin Phoenix for you.

I understand that.

I used to live on the west side, but it was too wavy.

I usually just fuck the wrong guy and move on.

I want her to get on the phone whenever she's done taking a shit

I want my own show. I want...

I want to ask you about that.

I want you to come by if you would like to,

I wanted to see if you would call me.

I was gonna call you.

I was good. I was great. I was good.

I was just kidding. Just kidding.

I was on another call. That's what I do. It happens.

I was thinking that...

I was trance writing.

I was worried.

I was, but she broke my heart.

I was, um... We...

I was...

I wasn't taking a shit.

I will see what I can do.

I will. I would love to.

I won't do this to you. I promise.

I won't.

I wonder if we can tell the audience that we're doing characters.

I would have called you.

I would have told you I was coming, but you fucking blocked me.

I would like a neurotical smoothie

I would love to see you.

I would take you home to mama.

I, uh, wanted to know how you felt about it.

I, um...

I...

I... I promise.

I'd kiss you, but, I'm afraid you have chlamydia

I'd like to put an original bone in your body.

I'd love to see your stand up.

I'd love to. Yeah. What are you doing here?

I'll get you a drink. I'll get you a drink.

I'll just be a minute.

I'll talk to you later. Goodbye.

I'm a 40 year old man.

I'm a big, fat fuck.

I'm a California native.

I'm a comedian.

I'm a contractor.

I'm a little acerbic.

I'm a reasonably good person.

I'm Amy. I'm your mother's best friend.

I'm an improv actor.

I'm black now.

I'm Celine Dion.

I'm confused.

I'm done embarrassing myself.

I'm getting millions of bitcoins right now."

I'm glad you got it off your chest.

I'm gonna call you.

I'm gonna cook Mexican.

I'm gonna cry in a bathtub.

I'm gonna fuck it up.

I'm gonna fuck it up.

I'm gonna get that table.

I'm gonna open the door,

I'm happy for you on the inside.

I'm happy to tell you about my parents, sir.

I'm here filling in for a friend.

I'm here. I came to visit you.

I'm jealous of their mothers who come out to visit them.

I'm just auditioning.

I'm just gonna share it with you.

I'm Lake. My pronouns are she/her.

I'm leaving.

I'm moving out there.

I'm moving to LA.

I'm no longer married.

I'm not actually a bartender.

I'm not doing it on purpose just to piss you off.

I'm not getting on stage next.

I'm not gonna fuck you, okay? I'm not.

I'm not saying I want my women pretty and quiet.

I'm organizing this fundraiser thing tonight,

I'm pretty fucking cheery.

I'm Rafe.

I'm Rafe.

I'm Rafe.

I'm Rafe.

I'm Rafe.

I'm serious this time.

I'm so glad you're here.

I'm so sorry!

I'm sorry I left.

I'm sorry to wake you, but I have to go to work.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I like the fucking you part.

I'm sorry. I realize it's a mixed message,

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to bother you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What do people...

I'm special.

I'm special.

I'm special.

I'm staying at my agent's friend's house.

I'm supposed to be like fourth.

I'm supposed to say, like, she's really funny, but she's hot.

I'm taking these. So...

I'm tired, I'm new here.

I'm truthful on stage, but I'm not...

I'm trying really hard to be honest with him.

I'm water based, so I need the balance.

I'm whiskey based, so that's more my thing.

I'm writing down an idea.

I'm your ally. Mercury is in retrogade.

I'm...

I've asked you

I've been here for, like, over 15 years.

I've been reading a lot of stuff about myself recently.

I've lived right over here for years.

I"ll put you in touch with Bunny.

If I lose weight you'll fuck me?

If I move, will it kill me?

If I wasn't having a panic attack right now,

If it works out, you're gonna have plenty of miserable fucking years to find out.

If we do this, I'll be just another guy that you fucked

If we weren't always defending ourselves

If you can call him that.

If you can call it that, was with this guy.

If you sat on any of the stools in this pub,

If you weren't just trying to fuck us all the time.

If you're not gonna tell me a joke.

Impressive.

In fact, I'm... I'm bleeding through my pussy right now.

In my 20s, I got into a horrible argument with my mother.

In the beginning they would wonder where it came from,

In the bottom of the sink?

Insanity,

Instead of graduating, getting her doctorate

Intimacy issues. I get it.

Is Cher southern?

Is everything okay? Did I get fired from Comedy Prime?

Is if he can go down on you

Is it just me, or are there more people here tonight than usual?

Is it me? You said you liked my thighs.

Is it?

Is she's lucky I don't turn into the Hulk

Is that a joke, or...

Is that good or bad?

Is that it?

Is that supposed to be funny?

Is that your Tonight Show set you're working out?

Is this how guys in LA are?

Is this when you would usually...

Is this your move?

Is what I'm saying.

Isn't this what you've always wanted?

It didn't bother me, okay? It didn't.

It doesn't matter who he is, okay?

It doesn't work for me.

It doesn't work unless we do it for 15 minutes straight.

It happens to a lot of us women.

It has nothing to do with your weight. You know why?

It has the effect that you want it to have on others.

It is gonna be so fantastic.

It is really nice.

It keeps me from falling asleep during sex.

It made me sad.

It makes no difference to me, you see.

It must be nice, huh?

It should have almond milk,

It should not have dairy.

It takes years

It was all in my head.

It was an awful thing.

It was decades ago, though.

It was like the top female comedians that they're considering.

It was on Chugfeed.

It was... It was good seeing you.

It won't happen anymore.

It would be like a serpent screaming

It would help remind me

It's a brand new world now.