Main Content
Sound Added to Your Favorites Soundboard

Log in or create an account to save your favorites, or they'll expire in 4 hours

Error Adding Sound
Error adding sound to your favorites.
Sound Reported
Sound reported and our moderators will review it shortly.
Error Reporting Sound
Error reporting sound. Please use the Contact page.
61 606
The Campaign (2012) "The Campaign" is a comedy film released in 2012, directed by Jay Roach. The movie satirizes the realm of

The Campaign (2012)

"The Campaign" is a comedy film released in 2012, directed by Jay Roach. The movie satirizes the realm of American politics, focusing on the race for a seat in Congress. The story centers around two characters: the long-term incumbent, Cam Brady, portrayed by Will Ferrell, and an underdog candidate, Marty Huggins, played by Zach Galifianakis. As they compete in the election, hilarity ensues as they engage in a series of outrageous and absurd political stunts to win over the voters. "The Campaign" combines sharp satire with physical comedy, delivering an entertaining and lighthearted take on the world of politics. If you're interested in exploring the sounds and soundtrack of this film, you can play and download them here.

A savior, if you will.
A thousand phone calls have been rude, inappropriate, sexually explicit.
A ton of fight.
A willing candidate.
Actually, American workers are paid way too much...
After Cam Brady's baby punching incident...
Ah. it's good to see you, brother. Daddy got a little surprise for you.
Aiding and abetting a known international fugitive.
All his paperwork is here.
All I know, if you say, it's a mess, you don't support our troops.
All right, I gotta go. Cam Brady in '0 12.
All right. Anyway, they also bought off a few closed up factories.
All these years l've been begging you to let me get into politics...
All they care about is profits.
All this is is science. This is math.
ALL: Amen.
ALL: Hallelujah.
ALL: Hallelujah. Yeah. All right.
ALL: Yeah!
ALL: Yeah.
Also, thank you for releasing me upon my own recognizance.
Americans standing up for their freedom and their right to choose...
ANCHORWOMAN [ON TV]: Congressman Scott Talley will tender his resignation...
And a strong North Carolina means a strong America.
And bring your brooms, because it's a mess.
And by the way, I know when you were married to Mama...
And currently Marty Huggins works out at Curves...
And deliver us from evil with your mighty sword and falcon...
And for God's sakes, put those beds together.
And I believe in American ingenuity and hard work.
And I believe we never caught two of his sons, Uday and Falafel.
And I come here and find you playing Hee Haw with the fuck around gang.
And I don't get my feelings hurt that much, you know?
And I have no idea what he's referring to as Rainbow Land, okay?
And I just dangled there for two straight nights.
And I know exactly why.
And I saw him on the way in.
And I thought to myself, Who thinks of this stuff?
And I wanna make you a promise today...
And I won.
And I'll be sorry for the rest of my life.
And if you tell me, if you tell me and your mom...
And it turns out he's been right in front of us all along.
And most of the time, what they want me to say is a lie.
And Muffins is always yapping at him, like, Don't go underneath the sofa.
And now for the results for Martin Huggins:
And of course, my Rock of Gibraltar...
And Poundcake barks back:
And that balloon's full of your own butt toots.
And that family's hopping mad.
And that, my friends, is how we're gonna do it.
And the freshness that Menthol 1 00s
And the results were as follows.
And then I find a wife who's forced me to wear the horns of a cuckold.
And then look at that. Straight down.
And then what? You'll be the old Marty again?
And they feel there's an opening to challenge Cam Brady for congressman.
And they look at me like, What?
And this.
And to be honest with you, I'm pretty goddamn disappointed.
And to get the ball rolling, I will tell you the darkest secrets of my life.
And to the people of this town.
And to this day, that's how I do it.
And we immediately sold that real estate and debt...
And we want you to start using insourcing in all your campaign speeches.
And we've done some great things.
And what was that topic we were talking about?
And when I get a scent, I hunt, brother. I hunt all day long.
And with a thin majority in the House, this race could be hugely important.
And with that, I would like to, uh, take this time...
And you're not gonna pay for a thing.
And, Lord, we just pray that you bless this table...
And, oh, yeah, let's do something crazy weird next time...
And...
ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKER]: Let's send him back to Washington.
Anyone.
Anyway, don't you find that interesting to learn about Marty Huggins?
Anyway, Poundcake loves to get underneath the sofa.
Are you gonna let him talk to our children that way?
Are you kidding me?
Are you taking money from big tobacco companies?
Are you wearing a hidden camera?
As a boy, Marty attended camp for weight loss and emotional stability.
As a prank, when I was 1 5...
As it is on earth...
As of right now, you are 1 2 points over Cam Brady.
Ass and titties, ass and titties And big booty bitches
Ass and titties, ass and titties Ass and titties
At 25, he met the love of his life.
At least until the election's over.
Audio installation specialists and window tinters are this nation's backbone.
AUDlENCE [CHEERlNG] Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty!
Baby is fine, and he said he punches like a 3 year old.
Baby, I'm a thoroughbred. I'm gonna smoke that clown.
Barracuda
Be my Drew Carey.
Because Filipino Tilt A Whirl operators are this nation's backbone.
Because my wife leaves Milky Ways underneath the sofa...
Because we are tired of them and their dancing.
Because you were a voice of the people. But that's when we was kids.
Big Jim Santon's in prison for embezzling state lottery funds.
Billionaires and corporations have given me millions of dollars...
Black Hawk down!
Boom.
Boy, that is solid too. Real solid.
Boy, you really are a sad little fucker, aren't you?
Breaking news out of North Carolina.
Bring him down.
But back then, in the fourth grade, I voted for you.
But do you know this is the first time you've actually talked to me in weeks?
But do you know which individual in this room...
But every day, it's the same thing.
But I did spread a rumor...
But I did spread a rumor...
But I don't know what the hell's gotten into you.
But I got some porcelain or maybe china ones.
But I gotta tell you, this is what it's gonna take to win.
But I imagine that guy, and I imagine that guy would say something like this:
But I'll tell you this: He's one of the good ones, and l've actually grown fond of him.
But I'm to blame too.
But on this election day, if you choose to vote for me, know this:
But the fucker bit me. I'm sorry, the snake bit me.
But these are my things. I mean, this is my doily collection.
But we can't let emotion cloud our judgment, okay?
But you can rest assured that every dime...
But you look like Richard Simmons just crapped out a goddamn hobbit.
But, congressman, you made the call.
By the time we're finished, half your district will think you're a Marxist...
Cal Tjader. Best known for starting the samba salsa jazz craze.
Call me Tim.
CAM [ON MACHlNE]: Hey, Shana, it's Congressman Cam Brady here.
CAM [ON TV]: Marty Huggins can't even take care of his own wife, so I did.
Cam Brady '012. I was the last one to say something.
Cam Brady got a two point bump out of a
Cam Brady just gave you the old D.C. Dip and Twirl.
Cam Brady was supposed to be on my show tonight...
Cam Brady, have you not wrought enough evil on this home?!
Cam Brady, is it true...
Cam Brady.
Cam Brady's done.
CAM JR.: Yeah. Seeing any girls yet?
Cam will be played by Yaphet Kotto, who you may remember...
Cam, l've been here for eight years with you, by your side.
CAM: Ah.
CAM: America, Jesus, freedom.
CAM: Can't believe you landed a national interview.
CAM: Come on, this isn't a game.
CAM: Damn it. I am still way too drunk.
CAM: Easy. Easy, Mitzi. Easy.
CAM: Getting juicy in here. MlTZl: Whoo!
CAM: Ha, ha. RlCK: Check it out.
CAM: Hey, Marty.
CAM: How you doing, North Carolina?
CAM: I knew it. Now, here's the downside.
CAM: I see you.
CAM: I wanna thank you all for coming here today.
CAM: I'm back up. l Stop the vehicle now.
CAM: Look what I'm doing. I handled this perfectly.
CAM: ls anyone asking how my hand feels...
CAM: lt went right through my femur.
CAM: Mitch, if you'd go ahead and kill the lights.
CAM: Mm hm.
CAM: Mm mm. Yes.
CAM: My dream maker. Thanks for coming out.
CAM: Now, hold on, hear me out.
CAM: Oh, wait, this is not my car. Oh, man. This is not my car.
CAM: Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah.
CAM: Okay, so here's the deal.
CAM: Shit, I don't know. But the people sure love it when I say it.
CAM: Shit, I don't know. But the people sure love it when I say it.
CAM: Thank you, Carl.
CAM: Thank you, Marty.
CAM: This car's so powerful. Oh, yeah.
CAM: This car's so powerful. Oh, yeah.
CAM: Try to catch me, Ranger Rick. Stop!
CAM: We need to double up our fundraising efforts.
CAM: What did you ? MlTCH: No. No!
CAM: What is this we have here?
CAM: Why won't he?
CAM: Yeah. So fucking strong.
CAM: You're kidding me. No.
Cam. Cam! Where'd he go?
Can you do that?
Candidate Huggins shot his opponent, Congressman Brady, in a hunting accident...
Candidate. Your elections are unpredictable.
CARTER: Sometimes democracy moves with the stroke of a pen...
Catfish.
CHANTlNG: it's a mess! it's a mess! it's a mess!
Check the pantry. There's some Froot Loops.
CHRlS MATTHEWS: Record turnout in North Carolina's 1 4th district..
Cock a doodle doo, Travis. You look tired. Did you get some sleep?
Come on, baby, we're a team. You're my rock.
Come on, guys.
Come on, little buddies. Come on.
Coming.
Complete makeover, head to toe.
Congressman Brady.
Congressman, are you taking money to promote Menthol 1 00s or not?
Cut.
Dad, that is like the greatest....
Democratic congressman today, vice president tomorrow.
Did it happen to be Coke Zero?
Did you ever get that calendar I sent of those animals dressed in human clothing?
Did you hear about this corporation that came in...
Did you know that our government, we actually give tax breaks to companies...
Didn't know I had a bio.
Do we kill him?
Do you know what I like most about your Asian boys?
Do you really think so?
Do you think Cam is emotionally stable enough to be in office?
Doctors said it was the worst playground accident they'd ever seen.
Don't touch me. We're both ex Marines.
Don't worry, we're gonna get you home, get you a couple Advil.
Don't you shit your pants, Marty.
Douglas, l'd like to say one thing. I'm an American too.
Dylan is prone to intense bouts of violence.
Early rumors have billionaire industrialists the Motch brothers...
Eat up, everyone. Enjoy.
Eight years ago, actress Rosie Perez passed through...
Either one of you throw a football?
Election day winding down.
Even if it means listening to Metallica in a sauna...
Events like this give us an opportunity to show Washington, D.C...
Every sec
Everybody's got me running every which way but loose.
Everyone, turn to the person next to you, reach in your heart, and let it speak.
Facial hair.
Finance someone who'll be a friend of the Motches...
First time l've worn a Yamaha. lt fits nicely. How do you say it's a mess in Hebrew?
For one, Cam has just completely let his body go.
For the poops.
Forgive our passes we commit sometimes on womenfolk...
Forgive us for trespassing...
Forgive us....
From now on, you wear Men's Wearhouse for formal...
Gentlemen, these are federal offenses.
Gentlemen, we're really counting on your support.
George Gray, who's next, please?
Get away now. Get away or I'll start slapping people.
Get my son to call you Daddy...
Get on up there before I change my mind.
Get out, you little fuckers.
Give them a voice. Put them in the right direction.
Give us this day our daily...
Glenn and Wade Motch called this morning. You know the Motch brothers?
GLENN: Bravo, young man. TRlPP: Well, well, well.
GLENN: He's a liar. WADE: He's a nutbag.
GLENN: That's a real pity, isn't it, Wade? WADE: Yeah.
GLENN: Well, I got some more good news for you, son.
Go back to where you're from, dick.
Go. Right now. Tell them to run it. Let's go, people.
God has removed the venom from my blood and the blasphemy from my heart.
God.
Goddamn it, I'm so proud of you. I mean
Goddamn it, Mitch! Goddamn it!
Goddamn it, son! Will you do as I say?
Goddamn it, what have you been doing with these boys?
Goddamn it. Fucking son of a fuck.
Good evening, everyone. Please welcome candidate Marty Huggins...
Good evening. Welcome to Piers Morgan Tonight.
Good for you. Come on in, have a seat.
Good Lord.
Goodbye, Marty.
Gosh, I am so flustered.
Got it?
Great. No. No, you can't do that. No, no, no.
Guess those jobs will be good for the district.
Hammond, or the jewel of the Carolinas, as I like to call it...
Has there been any sort of correlation between Huggins and, heh, lslamic radicals?
Has weird ever stopped us before?
Hate to break it to you, friend, but your balloon's getting ready to pop.
Have a seat.
He doesn't have this district locked up anymore.
He punched Uggie, the dog from the Academy Award winning film The Artist.
He rolls up his sleeves, puts his sandwich in his lunch pail...
He should be your congressman.
He was Jesse Helms' campaign manager for six terms.
He's a little stressed out.
He's a switch hitter.
He's apparently dealing with a sex tape.
He's gotta withdraw his name from the ballot at the very least, wouldn't you say?
He's up in the polls.
Heh, heh. No.
Hello, Father?
Hello, I'm Marty Huggins. I'm running to be your congressman.
Hello. My name is Marty Sylvester Huggins...
Here he is, running unopposed...
Here he is, the man of the hour.
Hey, Becky.
Hey, Cam. Come on, we gotta go.
Hey, guys, I heard what happened.
Hey, Jared, let's let the machine take one for God.
Hey, look, Cam, I'm telling you right now, it was the phone call.
Hey, shut up, shut up, everybody. Check out these TVs.
Hey.
Hey. Get some American dogs, you Commie!
Hey. Hey, everybody.
Hit him again.
Hmm.
Ho ! He shot me. Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down!
Hold on a second, Cam. Let me take a look at this.
Horrible numbers with women.
How can that be? We were up 1 0,000 votes in the exit polls.
How do you expect to do that?
How many times do I gotta say it? it's not real!
How would you bring jobs back to the 14th district?
How, in the year 201 2, do they still have an answering machine?
How's my hair?
How's my hair?
Hurry up!
I actually have a baby I need to kiss right down there.
I ain't much of nothing.
I am a great politician.
I am beholden to only one man...
I am not beholden to Cam Brady's accusations.
I am sorry. Where are my manners? I forgot Marty's bio.
I am under the sofa, and I'm having a good time.
I can
I CC'd you. Heh.
I collect them, you know. Not real ones, of course.
I come from humble beginnings.
I couldn't tell what was going on. I thought the thing was locked.
I did this because I love my home and I wanted to help out.
I didn't do this for some career.
I didn't even know they knew who I was. Motch brothers.
I do not want to live in Rainbow Land...
I do wanna help the district. I love my home. it's just all happening so fast.
I don't even know what to think.
I don't have a gun in my car.
I don't know why you would bring that up. I find that laughable. Ha, ha.
I don't wanna hear that bullshit. Hey, what did you major in in college?
I feel like I'm maintaining. Am I maintaining, Mitch?
I find it tragic when someone isn't recognized for perfection.
I find that hard to believe. Heh.
I fucked up.
I get it. Okay, I'm sorry, everybody.
I go to the mall and hide in a stairwell and take photos up women's skirts.
I got all messed up with the hoopla of bigtime politics...
I got crazy, Marty.
I got so many thoughts running through my mind...
I got something that's gonna help. We tried to take a negative...
I gotta cool down. I gotta cool down. Oh.
I guess the kids would just rather go to class.
I guess this is the, uh.... The way of the world now.
I had a beer with the old biker man at the end of the street...
I had an affair with the waitress at Ruby Tuesdays.
I hardly ever vote in Congress, and I never read the bills.
I hate those guys.
I hate to do this to you, buddy, but we got bigger problems.
I have a lot of experience. I worked for Jumbo's and Crazy Girls.
I have a whole book of cooter shots under my bed.
I have made in my lifetime...
I have not been honest with you.
I have the faith in me.
I have two pugs.
I have, uh, my check and my application and my birth certificate all right here if you....
I just enjoy being Congressman Cam Brady...
I just honestly enjoy their cool, fresh taste.
I just stepped away from a family dinner to tell you I wish I wasn't eating fried steak.
I just wanna get back to the basics. I miss you.
I knew one day your dad would realize your true potential.
I know the essence.
I know.
I know. But, uh But we need to talk.
I laughed so hard.
I lost myself and who I am.
I love you too.
I mean, I showed one moment of weakness, and then he struck like a cobra.
I mean, it's a mess out there.
I mean, this race is for the people, isn't it? lt shouldn't be about us.
I need I need roughage. I need roughage.
I promise.
I put you in that chair. I can get you out.
I really like your hair.
I remember that jaggedy jungle gym.
I run a meth lab out of the kids' tree fort.
I said the Lord's name in vain at school.
I said, sit the fuck down. lt doesn't exist.
I shaved the dog and glued the hair to my nut sac so l'd look like a grown man.
I swear. I swear on my mother's grave. Okay? lsn't that enough? Come on.
I tell you right now, my heart is beating like a phone book in a dryer...
I tell you right now, though, I'm so angered by seeing that...
I think anybody that writes about the redistribution of wealth...
I think I'm gonna take the children and go stay at my mother's for the night.
I think we can all agree. Cam Brady, he's a mess.
I think you need to see this.
I think you should leave, Mitzi.
I thought it was super cute. A giraffe is tall enough as is.
I told you, I don't truck with losers.
I touch myself to Drew Carey on The Price Is Right.
I tried to kill you in your sleep.
I turned my back on the boys and you.
I wanna be second lady. And what are you doing to make that happen?
I want a Bible on this end table...
I want the 14th district to know that you will not be sold to China...
I want you to put my head in the freezer while you do me from behind.
I wanted to take this time...
I was looking at mine yesterday because I bought one for myself...
I went to the petting zoo and I let the goat lick my penis.
I will do anything it takes to win.
I will never take another dime from any billionaire or corporation.
I wish I was eating Shana pussy.
I would like to apologize to that woman.
I'm an American.
I'm bringing my broom, because you know why?
I'm Cam Brady, and I seductively approve this message.
I'm gonna fuck his wife, and I'm gonna go put it on television.
I'm gonna fuck his wife.
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm here to make you not suck.
I'm here today with my beautiful family, and l'd love for you to welcome them.
I'm just gonna call your dad and tell him you don't have the rocks for this.
I'm Marty Huggins, and I regretfully approve this message.
I'm Marty Huggins, and this is one message I approve.
I'm not gonna be known as the congressman who sold out his district to the Chinese.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not taking this thing too lightly. Heh, give me a break.
I'm only saying this because l've had about a dozen brandies and a bump of coke...
I'm sorry, brother. Ha, ha. Oh, man.
I'm sorry, it's a habit of mine. I just I'm so used to wearing one of these things...
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to make it up to you. I'm not who you think I am.
I'm your twin sister.
Is he a Taliban or an al Qaeda?
It's like somebody dropped a glazed ham in a barber shop.
JASON: Are you serious? Congratulations to Jason, everyone.
Jesus Christ. Who happened to have a mustache.
Jesus, Wattley.
Jiggle it.
Jobs in North Carolina mean what? A strong North Carolina.
Just barking about one of them being underneath the sofa.
Just danced around the question.
Just like we rehearsed.
Just like you did when you took down that jaggedy jungle gym...
Just like you, every day, I'm living the American dream.
Just remember, Marty, what you're giving up for what you're getting.
Just the family.
Keep it simple and direct questions to the talking points.
Kids, put your headphones in. About to use TV mature words.
L'd like to remind these gentlemen why they are here.
L'd like to thank Cam Brady for his intestinal fortitude...
L'd say there's mathematically zero chance of that happening.
L'll make you proud. I will.
L've often wondered...
L've often wondered...
L've seen a mustache like that before, and you know who wore it?
L've sold the movie rights. We're in talks with Kate Hudson to play me.
Large breasts offer more protection to a woman's tender vital organs.
Last election, Newsweek mentioned you as a possible VP.
Last year, I attended a Halloween party dressed up as Lady Gaga.
Let's also remember that a responsible number of drinks...
Let's bring back corporations to North Carolina.
Let's change topics.
Let's get Brady out of there.
Let's get to the toll this race has had on your marriage.
Let's just talk about this. Oof. Hey.
Let's win this thing for America. Right?
Lf I bag a buck, we'll get a nice bounce in the polls.
Lf it isn't Dick Van Shrinkle.
Lf it's a rocking, don't come a knocking.
Lf the media wouldn't mind turning off their recording devices...
Lf we could draw those curtains, thank you.
Lf you give us a million, hell, I'll let you sleep with my wife.
Lf you really wanna help this district, the first thing you have to do, Marty, is win.
Like Burt. Goddamn it.
Like why won't Marty Huggins here take a lie detector test?
Listen, I think Cam Brady can be beaten. But I don't believe you believe that.
Listen, I wanna tell you, we had nothing to do with that DUl.
Little presentation.
LLOYD: Gentlemen, I can't bring this bill to the floor. I'll get killed.
Look, after 1 7 years of faithful marriage...
Look, before the call, this is you. Like Price ls Right.
Look, I came over here tonight...
Look, I'm not the type of guy that talks back to his father.
Look, l'd like to say one thing: Marty Huggins for Congress in '012.
Look, Marty, I definitely did wrong.
Love you, baby.
Ls that what we're resorting to here? Gestapo tactics?
Ls this election being bought by the highest bidder?
Lsn't he the weird one?
Lt got me pretty good.
Lt had to be said.
Lt is an honor to be on your show. My wife, Rose, and I watch you every night.
Lt is the simple story of a teddy bear giving a pot of gold to a leprechaun, okay?
Lt just kind of seems like you're building a big sweatshop in Hammond.
Lt was like I was another person, you know?
Lt'll double the already doubled profits that we make.
Lt's a fictitious place. I was 8. it's from a child's imagination.
Lt's a fictitious place. Rainbow Land, it's fiction.
Lt's a mess! it's a mess!
Lt's a mess.
Lt's a mess.
Lt's a miracle.
Lt's a small batch bourbon. By product of the prohibition days.
Lt's been a pleasure running his campaign. Congressman Cam Brady.
Lt's been a really good day.
Lt's going to take me forever to clean it, but I do it for you.
Lt's just a whole mess of fat and weirdly placed hair.
Lt's not a real place!
Lt's probably defrosted by about now.
Lt's the first combination political commercial and sex tape...
Lt's the first combination political commercial and sex tape...
Lt's the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning...
Lt's time to get to work. Let's do it.
Lt's time to save this town.
Lt's usually the other way around, I guess.
Lt's very Katie Couric.
Lt's well known the Motch brothers are backing Marty Huggins...
Lt's you and me against the world forever.
Make the call.
MAN 1 : Say it again.
MAN 1 : This question is for the congressman.
MAN 1 : We all know big money is running this country.
MAN 1 : What's it all about?
MAN 1 [OVER SPEAKER]: Cam Brady!
MAN 2: America, Jesus, freedom.
MAN 2: Yeah. This is America.
MAN 3: Good question. CAM: First of all, my relationship to God...
MAN 4: Hallelujah.
MAN 5: I would like to hear that.
MAN 6: You heard the man. Fine, I'm happy to. Ahem.
MAN: You've got my vote, Cam.
MARTY & AUDlENCE [lN UNlSON]: it's a mess.
Marty Huggins did a crazy thing on TV today.
Marty Huggins has a political action committee?
Marty Huggins is officially on the ballot...
Marty Huggins says no.
Marty Huggins, he actually promised to be the most honest congressman out there.
Marty Huggins.
Marty Huggins. I didn't realize you were a sportsman.
Marty Huggins. That son of a bitch fears no man.
Marty, I need you kicking Cam's balls in on a daily basis.
Marty, I was thinking we could make this campaign a little more civil...
Marty, tomorrow is election day.
MARTY: And there's Muffins and Poundcake...
MARTY: Cam, you're a communist. He's talking shit about me again?
MARTY: Go ahead, try. No, don't do it.
MARTY: He can be an old coot. Yeah.
MARTY: I can't seem to
MARTY: I did. I mean....
MARTY: I don't want to. Let me see if you got any.
MARTY: Okay, everyone, please. Okay.
MARTY: Okay. Hey, Daddy.
MARTY: Stop. That's what nuts feel like. Touch it.
MARTY: Thanks so much.
MARTY: There you go. That wasn't bad.
MARTY: Was the nicest thing.
MARTY: You were doing cannonballs. You were good at those.
MARTY: You're under arrest. l've never seen him before.
MARTY: You're welcome.
Marty?
Marty. Marty, they just let themselves in. I tried to stop them.
Marty's down at the tourism office, so....
May I come in and use your phone?
Maybe add a belt. There was a little bow on him.
Maybe I can't get you on the corruption of elections, but I can get you on this:
Might wanna decide whether you're gonna buy toilet paper or aftershave.
Mitch, I could do this forever. These snakes love me.
Mitzi Huggins, come on down.
Mitzi, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
Mitzi, this will all be over as soon as I win, okay?
MlTCH: Absolutely. Hey, guys. How you doing? You were charged with drunk driving.
MlTCH: And what does that mean?
MlTCH: Come on, man. ls that crazy?
MlTCH: Evidently. Yeah, it's called HugPAC.
MlTCH: Holy smokes. Done. You had your fun. This is over. Damn. You had your fun.
MlTCH: I don't know. What do you think? Oh, I fucking love it.
MlTCH: I just found out some interesting news. Mm hm.
MlTCH: Mm hm.
MlTCH: Mm hm.
MlTCH: Mm hm. This could really swing the campaign.
MlTCH: Okay.
MlTCH: We're getting killed. You're the best campaign ad guy in the business.
MlTCH: You don't say. Horrible?
MlTZl [ON TV]: Whoo! CAM: That night, Marty's wife voted.
MlTZl: No. That cannot stay there.
MlTZl: Oh. Oh, I'm dizzy.
MlTZl: Oh. Oh, I'm dizzy.
MlTZl: They're homeschooled. They're good eaters.
Mm hm.
Mm, Lordy, that sounds good.
Mm. Oh, wow. Thank you. That is smooth.
MODERATOR: Our first question will go to the incumbent.
Mom would've wanted it that way. She was casual.
MORGAN [ON TV]: That's very kind of you, congressman.
Motch brothers sent me. I'm here to make you not suck.
Motch brothers sent me. I'm your campaign manager.
Motch paid me 50 grand to make a few appearances.
MOTHER: Right. He is not listening to Jesus...
Move the car. Stab and steer. Let's go.
Mr. Huggins, you have one minute for a rebuttal.
Mr. Wattley, what are you doing? That's my wardrobe.
Mr. Zheng, there's something you need to know about American politics.
Mrs. Brady, are you playing footsie with me under the table?
Mrs. Brady, you've gone through this election process four times now.
Mrs. Cutler again. She got a crush on you, Marty.
Must be hard running for Miss America and teaching high school at the same time.
Must be tough having your dad not be around that much, you know?
My brother is responsible for this. l've never heard of Mr. Wattley in my life.
My dad always told me two things about giving speeches.
My father worked with his hands...
My feet are taped to the bicycle on this one!
My hair could lift a car off a baby if it had to.
My two children, Jessica, Cam Jr.
NARRATOR [ON TV]: Al Qaeda. The Taliban.
NARRATOR [ON TV]: Cam Brady has come under fire...
NARRATOR [ON TV]: Congressman Cam Brady claims to be a family man.
NARRATOR [ON TV]: The following commercial is rated TV MA for mature audiences.
NARRATOR: Marty Huggins, the father Cam Brady will never be.
NARRATOR: One thing unites all of them in their blood pacts:
NARRATOR: Shouldn't our leaders be men we admire?
NARRATOR: Why does Marty Huggins refuse to take a lie detector test?
NARRATOR: Why doesn't Marty Huggins answer the question?
Nice to meet you too, sir.
Ninety percent of the time, I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.
No Tim Wattley.
No, I won't do it.
No, I'm out campaigning right now. Mm hm.
No, it was not Coke Zero.
No, no, no, I'm not.
No, no, no, not the pink one. Let me have a black one.
No, no, no!
No, no, that's boring. Nobody really cares about that.
No, our campaign is just so steady right now.
No. I did once. I did once, in college. Yes. Which we've never talked about.
No. No.
No. Now I go.
No. Okay, you definitely can't do that.
No. You cannot have guns in here. Are you crazy?
None of that was my fault. I was powerless.
Nope, that's me.
Nope. Now I got it.
North Carolina is taking care of business.
North Carolina's 1 4th district one of the last to call it.
Not anymore, it's not.
Not like the one he has requested.
Not you, not me, not America.
Now only 46 percent of the people like you.
Now put this shit bucket in gear.
Now you go.
Now, a poll conducted this afternoon shows the congressman...
Now, get this: Cam Brady, four time congressman, punched a baby.
Now, remember, y'all have to support Cam Brady.
Now, we ought to think about how we gonna get back, okay?
Now, what is going on with you? This is getting out of hand.
Now, when you say something like that...
Now, you just enjoy that view from the porch, now.
Now, you promised you wouldn't get mad, okay?
OFFlCER: Stop the vehicle now! Officer, are you in need of assistance?
OFFlCER: Stop the vehicle. No, I see you.
Oh, damn it. Who is it?
Oh, fuck. Fuck me.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, good Lord.
Oh, hey, I got your parents tickets to The Producers.
Oh, I landed on Nazareth, and I would like to buy a manger.
Oh, jam a lit sparkler up my dickhole. That is painful.
Oh, man. Whew.
Oh, Mr. Senior's down at the docks trying to scare up some catfish.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, no.
Oh, no. Easy, slow.
Oh, now, technically it's Mera Kai.
Oh, shit.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, the fucking cunt ass serpent bit me!
Oh, the venom's coursing through my veins.
Oh, there's been no toll.
Oh, this is a big casa.
Oh, well, my Lord, if it ain't Mr. Marty.
Oh, whoo!
Oh! Don't do that, it tickles, okay?
Oh.
Oh. Almost there.
Oh. I want you to meet Becky. Becky, this is Marty.
Oh. Oh, you don't take a swing at my hair.
Okay, I'm back.
Okay, let's talk about this.
Okay, look. Here's the deal, Mitch.
Okay, Marty, you're not gonna cry.
Okay, now, this is a spot to raise some important questions in the minds of voters.
Okay, people.
Okay, sit down.
Okay, that's enough. Stop, please.
Okay, then take off that camera, please.
Okay, well, get out of here. Go.
Okay, well, guess what, Jason. You're running my campaign.
Okay. Good.
Okay. Maybe that's Hopefully, that's it.
Okay. You're running my campaign. Take this down to the TV station.
On October 23rd, 1 996, at 2:1 1 p.m...
One minute you got your pants down...
One time I put a firefly in my butthole.
One, never say anything bad about the ****...
One's named Poundcake and one's named Muffins.
One's named Poundcake and one's named Muffins.
Ooh.
Or branding myself with a coat hanger in the shape of a V for victory.
Ostensibly, we own this district.
Our father...
Our nation's security has never been stronger...
Out on the playground, there was this jaggedy old jungle gym.
Pardon me. Excuse me, thank you. Thank you.
Pass.
Patience for the tired.
Phone calls I wish I could take back.
Piers, this election is about the freedom of choice, simple as that.
Please come with me to Rainbow Land...
Plus, I got offered a lobbying job in D.C. for Motch brothers.
Provided, of course, you pick up the phone any time we call.
Pull him close, maintain a smile, and then lay some trash talk on him.
Push it? Push it real good?
Rainbow Land is now number six on Amazon.com.
Really any group that opposes baby punching.
Remember Dr. Jenkins, he thought I had Crohn's disease.
Remember the politician that punched a baby? Well, he's at it again.
REPORTER: Why were you handling dangerous snakes without a professional present?
Right now, your likability is at 26 percent.
Right, Mitch.
Right, Mitch.
Right.
Right. Uh, congressman, I'm married.
ROSE: Y'all have to hate Marty Huggins!
ROSE: You got your baton, baby? JESSlCA: Yeah.
Rumpelscrotskin, you been doing so good up there.
Run through it one more time.
Saddam Hussein.
Sassy salesman sold me Sicilian sausages.
Says it reminds him of the good old days.
Schools is this nation's backbone.
See, the truth is, big money is running politics in America.
Seriously, baby, you get me so hard my dick presses against my zipper...
Shana's gonna love it too. She looks so hot in it.
She proposed to him six times before he said yes.
She's Come on up here.
She's gonna have to get in line. Heh.
She's got a kid?
Sir, have you been drinking?
Sir, words like that have never been spoken in this room.
Sit the fuck down right now. Okay. Breathe. Just breathe, okay?
Sit.
So did l.
So don't you ever insinuate anything like that again.
So get the photographers ready when I yell.
So here I go.
So I took a bunch of money from the Motch brothers...
So I won. That's great.
So if there's anything that you wanna talk about...
So with that, l'd like to announce my withdrawal from this election...