The Other Woman (2014) Edit

A grappling hook? Really?

A lot. I don't want to hear that.

A pipe burst in his house and he went back to Connecticut.

A pipe burst in the bathroom... I have to go handle it.

A three way? Yeah.

A Z Pak? But I'm not sick.

About your husband, you should ask him.

Actually, don't tell me.

Actually...

Affairs? You're looking at it.

Again? This is the third night this week!

Ah, the Chuzzlewit Pinch.

Ah!

Ah! (GRUNTS)

Ah! I haven't seen her. We didn't have that twinkle.

Ah! Tune in Tokyo.

Ah... Right this way.

All right.

All right. If you really want to.

ALL: Yeah.

Am I right?

Am I right? (GASPS)

AMBER AND CARLY: Kate! Kate! (WHISTLES)

Amber got Mark's password off the nanny cam.

AMBER: He's back to sexting like a freak.

AMBER: He's taken this shit international!

AMBER: Hi, Mark.

AMBER: I think I see a dolphin!

AMBER: Though we did have to significantly reduce your share.

AMBER: You look so pretty.

An accident? I know.

And drink gingko balboa all day.

And every time I flushed the toilet, the shower got cold?

And guess what? What?

And I don't have a job! (SOBBING)

And I feel like an idiot for trusting you over him.

And I honestly do not know what I'm going to do at all!

And I like to think I'm a good guy, so...

And I started thinking, maybe he is shady.

And I think he's getting suspicious.

And if I was Ray Charles, I would actually be blind and...

And in China who love feng shui. (SOBS)

And it's going to suck.

And it's not all Hong Kong, either.

And makes me the villain?

And no matter how many women you sleep with, or cars you buy...

And not friend friend, like boning friend!

And put everything in your name.

And see, I am not situated.

And that I care about your problems...

And that's a happy ending. A shitty ending...

And the dating pool was everyone!

And the Hot Rabbi's Cousin? Cut them loose.

And then divorces me for fake cheating?

And then it just comes out so harsh.

And then one day that ring will just be a ring.

And though it brought us together,

And though Mark's an asshole, they had something real.

And to relieve the pressure, they had to cutout a chunk of his skull.

And we had the bathroom in the kitchen?

And what do you plan on doing if you find this girl?

And when I get this feeling, I'm usually always right.

And when she's done running around with you,

And where in the story does he act like a jerk?

And you ambush Prince Charming's wife.

And you know what? It's about to happen again, so if you don't mind...

And you let her because...?

And you smell so good.

And you're calling him Mark?

Any messages?

Anything?

Anything.

Anyway...

Are they sensitive? Does that hurt?

Are you Carly? No.

Are you crazy?

Are you in? I'm in!

Are you jealous?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Actually, no.

Are you okay? I've been trying you all day!

Are you serious? It's a window!

Are you serious? Or more!

Are you still sleeping with my husband?

Are you the famous Mark?

Are you?

Are you?

As far as talking to someone who won't blab,

As long as it works, it doesn't really matter why.

As long as it works, it doesn't really matter why.

At some point you say... I play tennis, right?

Baby, this is Dana. Hmm?

Bad! How come?

Be careful.

Be careful.

Because he's a killer and I'm not.

Because I said so. Why, do you like her? Because she is fired!

Because I took it away from him.

Because if you did empty those accounts,

Because my whole world just blew up

Because you know how I get carried away with all the colors...

Because you think we're friends

Because...

Believe it.

Best night ever!!!

Better?

Big year. Great job.

Bill, I told you, don't call me at night!

BOTH: Hi.

Bullshit!!!!

But for your sake, I hope you're lying.

But he didn't ask for forgiveness, did he?

But her real name is Carly.

But I didn't want to show up empty handed, so I brought food.

But I think a married guy is a perfect fit for you.

But if I play against John McEnroe, I expect to lose.

But if two million doesn't work, we shut it down.

But if you can't, I suggest you get a game plan and leave.

But if you want to talk, we can. Sure.

But it was really nice meeting you.

But it's such an icebreaker.

But sadly, I had to empty those accounts.

But she's spying on me, like a double agent.

But that's just me. He's your husband.

But the lawyers say it's all very amicable.

But there's something very wrong with that.

But what about the people who try to work it out? Maybe that's an option.

But you need to lay off that until

But, anyhow, I'm here.

By losing it, what would I do?

By the same guy. I call it a tie.

Bye, I'm going.

Bye, see you later!

Bye!

Bye!

Bye! See you later!

Bye.

Bye.

Ca? Ca.

Ca? Caaarly.

Call me when you're done being pissed.

Call me!

Can I get some napkins?

Can I have another drink?

Can we get three punches, please?

Can you help me out?

Can you open the door for me?

Can you?

Can't forget this.

CARLY: Amber.

CARLY: And the pictures!

CARLY: Anyway, speaking of changes...

CARLY: Can I make a toast?

CARLY: Divorce papers.

CARLY: Good idea. Never. Ever.

CARLY: Great.

CARLY: Great.

CARLY: I can't believe he was cheating on me!

CARLY: I'm not going out the window!

CARLY: I'm not Gumby!

CARLY: It's like a midlife crisis mistress!

CARLY: Mark's not just a cheating scumbag. He's a thief.

CARLY: Mmm hmm.

CARLY: Okay, what are we looking for? What's the clue?

CARLY: Perfect, we're halfway there!

CARLY: Those bank transfers...

CARLY: We looked.

CARLY: We need to find Mark and his bank.

CARLY: Who cares? Where else has he traveled? Please don't tell me Thailand.

CARLY: You won't go to jail.

Carly!

Carly!!

Carmela? Really?

Cheaters don't change.

Come join me.

Come join me.

Come on, let's get you in the car.

Come on, Thunder.

Come on! No!

Come on.

Come on. You'll love Dana.

Come sit down.

Dad, this is Amber.

Damn it!

Damn.

Dana?

Deal with her. And then deal with the real problem.

Develops start up companies.

Did you and Tony enjoy Hong Kong?

Did you ever think when we had that shitty

Did you forget?

Did you have sex? No!

Did you just say something about the Bahamas?

Did you just start sleeping together?

Did you know she was his mistress when she was in the house?

Did you want this smoothie?

Didn't you notice our skin? That nice Bahamian glow?

Do I?

Do what you need to do. I support you? Yeah, right.

Do you care if I smoke?

Do you promise?

Do you? Yeah.

Does this mean he's not training for the marathon?

Does this open? The window? Anywhere?

Does this...

Doesn't Mark see you naked all the time?

Don't be mad. I'm not being anything.

Don't come at me with all your...

Don't do that.

Don't do this. I love you.

Don't forget. (ENGINE STARTS)

Don't get too close to me. I'm getting sick.

Don't make fun of 'Nam. Best years of my life.

Don't mention the whole mistress thing.

Don't move.

Don't worry, you look good.

Don't you have a job?! Or hobbies?! What is wrong with you?!

Done? That wasn't even a conversation.

Down! (SIGHS)

Each other's hair and drinking Cosmos.

Enough for a pre Op transsexual.

Ever!!!

Every time I look through binoculars, he has another mistress.

Everything is wrong with you.

Ew!

Excuse me.

Family comes first. I'll see you when I get back.

Feng shui is good 'cause it's important...

Feng shui is not what you think it is!

Fifty times?!

Fifty times?!

Fine! Be done.

Fine. Rock, paper, scissors. Winner has sex with my husband.

First, one was mine, so that doesn't count. Second...

For all my money, you're crazy.

For basically forcing me to be your friend.

For the bacon, I think.

For what?

For what? Ca.

Forget I called.

From now on, you have to tell me

Get away. Get away, get away! (SCREAMS)

Get Dave on the phone. I need all pertinent materials...

Get down. Get down.

Get into the...

Get out!

Get over. It's a step down.

Go back! Go back!

Go to Connecticut.

Goes down, they'll come after you first!

Gone.

Good boy.

Good bye.

Good bye.

Good bye.

Good morning!

Good things, I hope.

Good to see you again.

GPS does not lie.

Guess.

Hacked into his computer the night

Had the idea for SwipeSwitch.Com.

Happy Anniversary. (GASPS)

Hard time in Africa feeding a village.

Has he talked to you like that, or has he...?

Have a great weekend.

Have a seat, but please keep your dog off of my furniture.

Have a seat.

Have I made mistakes? Yes. Big ones. Huge ones.

Have you packed? I want to get on

Haven't been here since I bought the place.

He ain't losing money, he's robbing it.

He banks, so let's go to the Bahamas...

He came over after work.

He can't give away what he doesn't have.

He can't have sex till he finishes his Z Pak!

He could pick any scenario, and he picks that?

He has a wife, okay? He's married.

He has been working his whole life...

He is awful.

He is! But better me than you.

He made me the bad guy. And he's divorcing me?

He must be taking Viagra.

He must have literally screwed your brains out!

He needs training.

He said something nasty's going around, and you should take one, too.

He said you cheated on him, then asked for a divorce.

He saw the dog and drew his own conclusions.

He used you to create the company

He'll look at the office while you go.

He'll love it. Who?

He's a contractor. Oh, a contractor.

He's a liar, Kate. Who cares?

He's a short guy? Bald?

He's always going to wind up on top

He's just a puppy.

He's just on a high from the business trip and...

He's not a donor kidney.

He's stealing, Kate. Making money for them is the way he does it.

He's still treating me like I'm blind.

He's supposed to be with Amber! Shit!

He's up! CARLY: Really? What's he doing?

He's your brother. What would you do with him?

Hello?

Help me up.

Here you go.

Here you go. Thanks for the ride.

Here, you want this? I'm switching to vodka.

Here's my ice shield.

Here's to having friends...

Here's what you do... look for blind offshore filings.

Hey, baby.

Hey, buddy! I'm here! Stop!

Hey, Miss Whitten.

Hey, Nick! Hey, man! I... What?

Hey!

Hi, Amber.

Hi, hon.

Hi, honey!

Hi, Mark.

Hi, sweetie! You're home early!

Hi, there.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm Kate. I met you on Friday.

Hi. Red or white?

Hi. Um...

Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm...

Hold on! Wait, wait!

Hold that thought.

Holy shit! What?

Holy shit.

How are you? Not too great.

How do you feel? I don't know. How do you feel?

How do you know he's here?

How do you know where I live?

How long have you and my husband been seeing each other?

How many were there?

How much?

How was Miami?

How'd it go, weirdo?

How'd you get in the building?

How's it going? Not good.

Huh, could this day get any worse? Really?!!

Hypothetically...

I added kiwi.

I already read it for us. You just have to sign.

I am done!

I am done. I'm done.

I am in.

I am McEnroe!

I am not a mistress. A mistress knows she's dating a married man.

I am not Martha Stewart!

I am not sleeping with him! And the fact you think I would, really hurts!

I am!

I am.

I bet your dad's hot.

I can change. You can help me.

I can give you the names of three different lawyers.

I can go with you. That'd be fun.

I can wait for you. I don't mind.

I can weather a little hate sex.

I can't believe you're not interested.

I can't defend you if I know you did it.

I can't even read these anymore.

I can't go to jail! No, no, no.

I can't join a gang! I don't know how to make shanks!

I can't put my finger on it,

I can't stay in this Mark moment forever.

I can't talk to you until you stop crying.

I can't tell. (CHUCKLES)

I canceled. What's all this?

I care so much,

I chickened out and said I had Chlamydia!

I cleared the bench.

I come here because it's like a hobby that pays well.

I did not expect this at all.

I did not think that I would be right at all.

I did say that, but nothing I ever told you was true.

I did, because I was a mistress virgin and you were the first.

I did. I really did.

I didn't know he was in Miami.

I didn't know, so I'm not a mistress. Can you say that, please?

I didn't mean it.

I didn't. No, he's, um...

I do know.

I do.

I don't call a boyfriend back after I find out he has a wife.

I don't care about you or Mark or your marriage or your dog.

I don't care.

I don't do this. I'm too old for this shit.

I don't even know if she's American. I don't know.

I don't even understand this.

I don't hate you at all.

I don't know anything about that.

I don't know that, either.

I don't know why men find these sexy.

I don't know! There's been wine, and...

I don't know.

I don't know... a couple months.

I don't mind!

I don't need to wreck someone's home for a date.

I don't think so. I've kind of been in the zone here.

I don't think that's how it works.

I don't think we have the same size foot. (GASPS)

I don't understand.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to make license plates!

I don't want to sit someplace where you and Mark had sex.

I feel bad for you. Let me walk you out.

I feel like I need to go to brain camp.

I feel like I owe you an apology for the other night.

I found this... wire transfer instructions for a company in the Bahamas.

I get it. Get what?

I get it. Things are coming into focus.

I get more ass than a toilet seat!

I got all that out of my system with that one.

I got him for Christmas. They look good.

I got him! I got him!

I got Micromacks.

I got to go. I got to go, baby.

I got to work tonight.

I got to. There's two feet of water in my basement.

I had a fecal incident.

I had a Jetta.

I hate working on the weekends.

I hated it. (CHUCKLES)

I have a friend who could do it.

I have boobs!

I have no money of my own!

I have so many lotions at the house.

I have soft hands and a small mouth. I will be the bottom!

I heard him on the phone with her...

I heard, and he's meeting somebody!

I hope so.

I just am sad.

I just can't believe he'd lie to me.

I just don't know if I can hold out.

I just started seeing someone.

I just thought maybe we could talk, because I, um...

I just thought maybe we could talk, because I, um...

I just want to talk. I thought we could have some dinner?

I know exactly what I would do with it.

I know how assholes do asshole y things...

I know I said I would, but you looked so sad when I won, I couldn't.

I know that you think it's that bad,

I like it.

I like the way your brain works, but...

I love it. Really?

I love this tie.

I loved that apartment.

I mean, do you think that he still loves me?

I mean, maybe a little,

I might not always get it right, but...

I miss you.

I miss you.

I must be. You are...?

I need like at least a week of prep, minimum.

I need you to buy me some pants.

I needed some pants and the only person

I never liked that guy. I never liked him.

I quit my job so we could focus on his job. I put off having kids...

I really thought we were soulmates.

I said next week last week so it's this week.

I saw it and...

I say it's our turn to take this shit international.

I shoved you.

I started digging around. Everything was locked.

I started redecorating. What do you think?

I still think I'm not ready to compete with women like you.

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

I think it's good she's super hot.

I think it's great. You do?

I think it's just sweat.

I think specifics are a bad idea.

I think we just broke up.

I think you like me.

I think you're being greedy. Me?

I think you're being hard on yourself.

I thought I would come here and you would tell me I was crazy.

I thought maybe we could talk?

I thought she was his ex mistress, but...

I thought you were giving him hormones.

I told you that before you married him. What a piece of shit!

I want a divorce, Mark. No.

I want him to feel what I feel, but worse.

I want out of the loop! Take me out.

I want to be the one...

I want to. (SOBS)

I was crazy to think we could be friends.

I was going crazy without you. I'm sorry for being a jerk.

I was happy.

I was keeping you in the loop.

I was kidding about that.

I was out for a jog and my hammies locked up.

I was thinking, what sucks...

I went to China! Do you know how far away China is?

I went to the doctor. He gave me a Z Pak.

I will wind up in Gen pop. Turn around.

I would expect that from other guys in their offices, but not you.

I would love to, but it's kind of a tricky project...

I would put a coffee table right here...

I wouldn't even be me without you.

I'll be damned.

I'll be right back.

I'll call you tomorrow.

I'll do it. I don't have a lot of feelings.

I'll have to send her to rehab.

I'll keep adding it!

I'll make a steak and salad...

I'll see if he can meet tomorrow night.

I'll send tons.

I'll take a stab and say it's because

I'll tell you all about it at dinner.

I'll tell you what my mother told me... words to live by.

I'll think about it.

I'm a 34 inch waist. The fit doesn't

I'm assuming you came here

I'm Carly. You must be his housekeeper.

I'm Carmela, Kate's decorator.

I'm cute cute Kate.

I'm fine, thank you.

I'm going to take a shower.

I'm having fun.

I'm insecure. I have issues.

I'm just saying.

I'm looking for a different Mark.

I'm not French. I had a little Edith Piaf moment...

I'm not saying you have to be bald

I'm really happy we're doing this.

I'm really okay. Thank you. I hate being touched.

I'm really sorry. I thought I had him that time.

I'm saying everything fails eventually and monogamy is not natural.

I'm saying that if you want to take him down...

I'm so glad you're here. We have so much to tell you!

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, baby. I have to take a raincheck.

I'm sorry, did you say you had a fecal incident?

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Ugh!

I'm sorry. Um... where were we?

I'm taking him to obedience school today.

I'm trying not to.

I'm usually a fun date. I am.

I'm wearing these glasses because I look like shit.

I'm wondering, what if I keep my clothes on...

I've been dating for decades! I don't need this anymore!

I've missed you.

If Edith Piaf rises out of the grave and

If he's not seeing you — I'm so sorry I said that, that sucks...

If I let you in, we are not braiding

If I was going to lose money, that's where I'd do it.

If I'm being honest...

If I'm being honest...

If I'm investigating him or I go to the Bahamas...

If we find any more mistresses,

If we put our brains together...

If we're going to do this, I need a drink.

If you can live with that, like the French, then stay put.

If you could, do it today. No need to read it... it's just the usual stuff.

If you don't mind...

If you had something to lose, you'd understand how hard this is.

If you killed him, don't tell me.

If you're going to cave every time he pays attention to you...

If you're going to cave every time he pays attention to you...

If you're having a panic attack, go outside and get some air.

Ignore her. She's working through some stuff right now.

In Connecticut. With the Canadian crew. Which is code.

In order to make yourself feel better.

In that too horrible to be true kind of way.

Incredible. He didn't even notice!

Indian girl. Beautiful.

Instead, he's totally fine and I'm sitting here with the two of you...

Is anyone Carly?

Is it ever going to get any easier?

Is it serious?

Is Mark calling?

Is that still circling the drain?

Is the ottoman okay?

Is this some Tyler Durden Fight Club thing?

It brings up our group average.

It can't be the sex... you were a lot nicer and your hair was more shiny.

It doesn't matter anyway.

It is. But we can work it out.

It just felt so good to be touched, you know?

It just looks like you're a little bloated.

It just seems like everything was so simple then. You know?

It looks like you put on weight.

It means he's still viable. You haven't rejected him.

It must be big. You were crazy about him two days ago.

It tastes different today.

It was an accident.

It was good! We ran on the beach, met Mark's new mistress...

It was like this red mist came over me.

It was... Ugh!

It would look so hot on you.

It'll be so hot. I think it'd be a game changer for us.

It's a Jetta! So?

It's a Jetta.

It's barely in the red!

It's been eight weeks.

It's boring stuff from the accountant. ServiceCircuit again.

It's bullshit. It's bullshit! Global bullshit! I call bullshit!

It's completely crazy, and I don't know where it's going...

It's gingko biloba. Balboa was Rocky.

It's how he handled it.

It's just that you were going to meet my dad...

It's like a... just not...

It's like his sex drive is tripled.

It's like...

It's not a big deal. It's very new.

It's not always a wreck. Stan and I were married when we met.

It's not bullshit. It is.

It's not like I cared about any of them.

It's not my first.

It's not your fault I married a monster.

It's okay. The wine hit me wrong... I have a splitting headache.

It's over. I'm getting my ideas direct from the factory now.

It's something that rhymes with...

It's the only way.

It's too late for that.

It's too soon.

It's you who's liable. So don't threaten me, honey.

It's your signature all over those contracts.

Jesus Christ!

Jesus, that was... I think that might have been his balls.

Just have a seat. (SIGHS)

Just pulled over for a little stretch.

Just tape them up.

Just think of that next time you eat pig bacon.

Kate King.

Kate, I'm sorry, but I can't.

Kate, what's going on?

Kate, you remember my partner, Nick.

KATE: Everything!

KATE: Go higher.

KATE: Good morning. ((GROANS)

KATE: He is.

KATE: How about that clue?

KATE: I can't believe I'm in the mistress's closet.

KATE: I know Mark is at the One and Only.

KATE: I was with the board last night.

KATE: Look, he won't catch us.

KATE: Mark's.

KATE: Oh, boo hoo! He cheated on me, too!

KATE: Oh, come on.

KATE: Oh, no.

KATE: Oh, there it is... the end of the road.

KATE: Okay, but when you sleep with that many people...

KATE: Okay, target is moving! Target is on the move.

KATE: Okay.

KATE: Okay.

KATE: Probably enjoying.

KATE: Probably tongue.

KATE: She comes in peace, so be nice.

KATE: Sorry for the tough love.

KATE: That dog is trying to break me. CARLY: He really is.

KATE: That's crazy. CARLY: It's a miracle.

KATE: That's funny, neither did I. But apparently...

KATE: Try living in the same house with him. All I get is surprise penis.

KATE: Unbelievable. CARLY: Wow!

KATE: Why can't he stuff it into a tube sock like a normal guy?

KATE: You're such a good girl.

Kate!

Kate?

Kate...

Katie, if she's full of shit, call her out on it.

Katie?

Katie?

Katie. Sweetheart?

Kissing. Uh huh.

Lawyers cost money.

Let me just lay down for a minute.

Let me just... I'm sorry.

Let me just... Wait. How are you doing that?

Let me see. Let me see!

Let me tag along for a drink. You said I'd like it.

Let me tell you something about Martha Stewart.

Let's get into the car. Be very careful.

Let's go!

Let's go! He's probably halfway there already!

Let's never sleep with the same guy again.

Let's say I was hedging my willpower.

Letting it out is better than having to tell the cops

Like a brain camp.

Like a triangle of his skull, they cut it right out of his head...

Like fifty times at least.

Like in Switzerland or the Bahamas.

Like what, a cheating husband of my own? Stop.

Like you pooped your pants?

Like, a brain camp.

Little apartment on Charles Street...

Lives a couple of streets over on Clark.

Look at this.

Look what I found. This is a list of all the start up companies...

Look, I don't know if you're here out of...

Losing it?

Lots of pollution.

LYDIA: Mark? Hi.

Lydia.

Major breakthroughs.

Mark is flying down this week.

Mark King to see Miss Whitten.

Mark King?

Mark Kink.

Mark was able to lead a whole other life

Mark will be back any minute!

Mark, you're a real piece of shit.

Mark, you're not a very nice person.

MARK: Honey?

MARK: I'm home!

MARK: Katie!

MARK: Katie?

MARK: Wow, look at you!

Mark's cheating on you?!

Mark's in Miami. Why is he calling you?

Maybe an eleven.

Maybe I should just tell him in person.

Maybe one of us should sleep with him.

Maybe we should have a drink and talk.

Maybe you should ask her about ServiceCircuit.

Me cry on the inside like a winner!

Me, too.

Me, too.

Miami was amazing.

Micromacks? I thought Dave Cohen was handling this merger.

Mike.

Miss Whitten asked if you would wait in the conference room.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm. I realized that with you.

Mmm. Yeah?

Mmm...

Mmm...

More like the toilet. But the potential's there... we could make it work.

Mouse hammock.

My brother, Phil.

My dad's divorce.

My name's all over everything!

My situation's pretty situated at all times, it's true.

My wife's not some criminal mastermind.

Nah, I think I got it.

Nah. Don't worry about it.

Next time, call a plumber.

No board of directors, a P.O. box for an address...