Broad City (2014) - Season 3 Edit

A baby stroller full of empty cans across the street.

A bird flew into my mouth this morning.

A brick wall every single summer from scratch just because.

A bunch of different kinds.

A crisp $100 bill from my bra?

A few steps, a few steps, and then we start a pedal.

A four plus on the Kinsey scale.

A GIF basket.

A girl.

A guy.

A gynecologist that's also a bikini waxer.

A human was fucking the animal.

A little uncomfortable staying here by myself.

A male purse.

A moyel is the ******* dude who performs the circumcisions.

A passenger at the next stop

A real job.

A resumé?

A skateboard, with a handle.

A thing that I established.

A vision board, you... You know what I mean?

A woman free zone.

A...

A... Alice?

A... coconut vice?

Aah, I am so happy you two guys came down.

Aah!

Ab bay.

Ab bi! August 4th.

Ab, Ab, Ab, Ab.

Ab, look... My security.

Ab, this is Craig.

Ab.

Abbi Abrams, from high school.

Abbi is a phenomenal person.

Abbi, how did you know Trey was here?

Abbi, just so you know, every guy here's gonna be, like,

Abbi, no!

Abbi, you're not in trouble, ok?

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi?

Abbi?

Abbi?

Abbi? Listen.

Abbi.

Abbi.

Abbi. I'm an artist, okay? I love Phish.

Abbi's just incredibly bold and dynamic.

Abbi's puking on the side of the road.

Abbo

Abbo, party of two.

Abbo!

About monogamy, but we can't go with you

About something else.

About these mole people who live down in the subway

About these Saudi women who have to ask their "keepers"

Absorbency...

Actually, it would be a grade "D"

Actually, yours will probably be okay.

Actually...

Adult Braces is fine

After everything that just came out of your mouth.

After graduating from New York University,

Again! Yas, queen!

Ah, fresh Lychee's.

Ah, you guys sound like an old married couple already.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah. Yeah. Attends.

Ah..

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh.

Air head.

Alice Ackerman was one of my best friends in middle school, all right?

Alice, you look in... insane.

All caps Abbi fits in at Soulstice.

All hands on deck.

All I gotta say, it was nothing but net.

All I'm saying is that we are on the fast track to, like,

All is not good!

All of my clothes were missing? All of my clothes.

All right, bitch, you better vote... Text me when you do.

All right, bye

All right, cool.

All right, elbows in now.

All right, girl. Just the deets. I know the person?

All right, got it.

All right, guys, five minutes 'til we start.

All right, I can do that,

All right, I guess we'll just...

All right, I'll see ya.

All right, I'm coming there as soon as I can.

All right, I'm in.

All right, I'm not gonna say that.

All right, look, I got three boxes.

All right, look, I probably shouldn't tell you this,

All right, look.

All right, no need to press charges, guys, okay?

All right, now you're going too far.

All right, penis kiss.

All right, so we're gonna be on the first subway car at Jay Street, right?

All right, tell you what. I am in, I'm gonna join ya.

All right, thanks, Trey.

All right, that'll be $400.

All right, that'll be 200 bucks, boys!

All right, weigh in starts in ten, you guys,

All right, well, why don't you... Do you want to pee first?

All right, woman up.

All right.

All right.

All right. I gotta go.

All right. I'll just hang out.

All right. Watch out.

All right...

All that stuff I said about Abbi, that's me.

All the co ops are connected.

All the time.

All we have to do is stay out until 11:00!

Almond.

Alright, are we ready to order?

Alright, got it.

Alright, hey, take as long as you need.

Alright, oh, I'll grab a chair. He's just using it a foot rest.

Also, he touched my nipple

Also, I'm looking to get into the Moyel Chai Club.

Also, if you need sanitary napkins or similar products,

Also, they think I stole this, the cops are coming.

Also, um, I've never been out of the country, and also...

Also, what, are you watching porn while you drive?

Always making stuff better.

Am I at the farmer's market 'cause this is so juicy.

Am...

Amazing that I fucking never gave her the money.

An adult dick, obviously.

And a stunning view of a white... castle."

And a'nudder tang...

And act like we never saw it and never bring it up again.

And actually, somebody just bought one of your drawings off my wall.

And also, this place is, like...

And as my ad stated, this rental is all inclusive,

And at the same time, they were so surreal.

And bodega veggies for the rest of your very short lives.

And bottles of liquor for teens.

And breathe in, two, three, four,

And by nothing but net, I mean he fingered me 'til I came

And churros are just, like, you know, hit or miss for me,

And counting.

And cut off a little bit of our hair, but...

And even if it wasn't an hour,

And find your purpose.

And give this extremely valuable

And giving me money eight years later

And goodbye, Adult Braces.

And have encouraged.

And he doesn't even want to be friends.

And he rubs up all on this spoon like...

And he was hot and he had a man bun and he was wearing sandals,

And I actually raised some money for your surgery

And I already made some incredible...

And I am boarding.

And I didn't even care, like, at all, because it was you.

And I didn't want anyone to see me, you know,

And I don't want you to see me like this.

And I figured it out.

And I found this envelope

And I got to fly with my bag.

And I gotta go 'cause someone's gonna get it.

And I have a really intense doctor's appointment in Long Island.

And I just feel like, um,

And I know your work is very important

And I love it.

And I need to find something cool to wear.

And I need to get fucked until it pops.

And I never got the chance to thank you,

And I raised over $900.

And I think I need to go to the chiropractor, so.

And I usually hate sandals and I loved 'em.

And I was supposed to deliver it to 21015th Street.

And I was thinking maybe you could take the other half,

And I, like, didn't know what was going on and he's so sweet, you know.

And I'll see you when I see you

And I'm a tough mudder champion.

And I'm gonna drive around town in my car.

And I'm gonna make a call to the Better Business Bureau.

And I'm looking at the two of you,

And I'm moving to London.

And I'm proudly gay... mazel...

And I'm such a moron,

And I'm, like,

And I'm, like, ordering.

And if you did your homework, Todd,

And it hit me, not a door.

And it just sounded so much like your name.

And it really is incredible.

And it says,

And it's actually all the money from the dance a thon.

And it's first day flow.

And it's gotten to the point where I need to talk to you about it

And it's kind of like cultural appropriation.

And it's, like, popular toys and stuff from the '90s

And let's reverse it.

And like, young wife material, but, like, taut, and teasy still

And lose the nipple rings.

And minorities.

And my Birthmarc wish came true.

And my personal favorite, "Ratatouille."

And next time, when you make an appointment at the DMV, do it online.

And Nicole Klorn.

And no, Hillary is not a witch.

And now we don't speak.

And now you are maybe one of my favorite people.

And out, two, three, four,

And over there is where Patty and I told her we were getting a divorce.

And please, please text me as soon as you land.

And release.

And reminder, I'll be by later to fuck the shit out of her.

And she just had these little babies.

And she's won a Grammy.

And so it elongated me and added three inches

And spread the seed of this gesture all over people.

And take off.

And ten campaigns later...

And that fucking was with a P H.

And that had just happened.

And that means you're not into the guy.

And that's the combination.

And the only reason it's not that way

And the password is "PitaGuest," one word.

And the person's like, "What's your name?"

And the trip of a lifetime. Please.

And the whole pedophile mustache was so distracting.

And then after that I...

And then get to JFK, or we're gonna miss our flight

And then he gave her water for her cranberry pills.

And then I could stretch the upper body.

And then I told him my birthday.

And then I would get them developed and then, I could send them to you.

And then I'd Abbi Jeremy him to even it out.

And then if it comes back to you, dope,

And then people stare.

And then they suck the baby dick itself to stop the bleeding.

And then they wring you fucking dry

And then we all thought we had to pee, but I think everyone was just really horny.

And then when my face was pressed

And then you spooned watching YouTube videos of news anchor fails.

And there's gonna be blood, like, everywhere.

And they roll it around in their mouths with wine.

And this is a machete.

And those men are gonna make me rich...

And to free sparkling water.

And was stung over 300 times.

And we are done.

And we can't find any cabs out here in the middle of nowhere.

And we made back that money

And we queens, we cannot be in the back of the bus,

And we'll find a...

And we're going forward.

And we're supposed to be *******.

And who are we to judge our post apocalyptic selves?

And why are they sucking baby dick?

And why don't you just let it happen naturally?

And worse yet, they're gonna want their money back.

And you

And you

And you are gonna get this company some attention.

And you can call me Ilana.

And you don't need to bother

And you have to grasp them.

And you know what? Don't worry. I'm gonna be here with my Louisville,

And you know who else is a kween?

And you know why? Because you're a "kween"

And you never said anything.

And you wanna do other stuff, which is fine.

And your food to go.

And your legs. And your butt.

And, also, most of all, we are nowhere near the Schwartz's.

And, guess we will just drink these.

And, like, tight body and I'm gonna want full

And, uh, they're teachers right now. They teach middle school.

And...

And...

Anxiety, depression, enough.

Any second, there's gonna be an explosion

Anybody I know? Who is it?

Anyway, I graduated with a fine arts degree.

Anyway, I'm delivering a package for...

Anyway, I'm not panhandling, I'm just performing for tips.

Anyway, Moyel Chai Club.

Anyway, so about tonight, I want to get into the plan.

Anyway, you're gonna have fun. Plus, it's mandatory.

Aquarius.

Are you a Phish head, too?

Are you at a day nightclub?

Are you deaf? Like, I'm using the chair.

Are you guys, like, chill, or, like, open relationship?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding?

Are you okay, honey?

Are you okay?

Are you pregnant?

Are you racist?

Around the holiest place in the world, Israel.

Artists aren't judged by what they wear.

As I'm slam dunking your skinny ass!

Ass, ass, ass, ass.

Ass, ass, ass, ass.

Ass!

At first, she was mad and then she was glad

At her family's bowling alley just hoping she's there?

At least let me drive and give me road head.

At the DMV.

Attends, ne bouge pas.

Attention, passengers, we'll be stopped

Australian.

Aw, I wanted to keep that a surprise.

Aw, yeah, bitches!

Awesome sauce.

Awesome.

Aww

Aww, what up, my babies!

Aww.

Aww. That almost makes me feel kind of okay.

Ay! Hold me closer, closer, closer.

Baby, just wait one second,

Baklava?!

Baseball can be hot, but you need a shortstop or something

Based on their explosive sexual and romantic relationship.

Basically, all entertainment is porn. It's like, everywhere.

Bathroom!

Bazinga.

BB&B, right when it opens.

Be cool. Just be fucking cool, man.

Because I am a woman who has access to tampons normally,

Because I have a bazillion app ideas that some crusty old white douche

Because I'm pretty sure there's an elephant in the room.

Because it's like, I put my stuff in it.

Because she... wanted to come here

Because that's the only way I can gain access to my trust fund.

Because this was like my third, and fourth, uh, bottle of booze

Because we're under this beautiful, beautiful tree.

Because you're a literal child.

Believe it, dude.

Believe it.

Besmirch your ******* heritage,

Bet she could teach me a thing or two, like,

Between the lips and the undies.

Between you and me, the...

Bevers, I was hoping that you could come back tonight

Bike messenger.

Bikinis, all of my bikinis.

Bloody, bloody... oh, it's so sad.

Bob and I are going to Hawaii.

Bologna?

Boots that have magnets on the bottom, so when you walk around,

Both get, like, super wet, downtown!

Both of you? Or one of you?

Bought his mom a house in my town, so...

Bow, bow, na now now... That's us

Boy, do I know it.

Boy, those pilots, they do such a good job.

Braces cut up the whole inside of my mouth.

Bras.

Breathe, breathe!

Breathe, breathe... Shh...

Bring friends... I, I don't have any, but you guys.

Brrrr... 60.

But also because she got in the varsity field hockey team.

But also,

But at the same time, they were...

But can I borrow this yarmulke?

But fuck them, dude.

But Google Map says 20, so... who knows...

But here da damn 'tang.

But how about the next time you have the impulse to say "yas,"

But I anticipated it.

But I didn't wanna say anything because, you know,

But I don't like you.

But I doubt that anyone will...

But I get a commission off of every match made.

But I gotta catch this piece of shit, Rat Bastard, and I needed backup.

But I guess all caps Abbi is just still up in me.

But I have to have the curry sauce on the side. I can't handle that kinda heat.

But I need you to make the right first impression

But I see you with your iced coffees

But I still want to get the word out,

But I wanna take on this challenge.

But I was wondering what you think about maybe...

But I'm looking for a nice ******* girl to marry.

But I'm looking to make it bigger.

But if we give it back tonight,

But if you are gonna do steroids, I would suggest

But if you get between me and my money...

But in da klerb, we all fam.

But in reality, it'll be, like, 12 hours.

But it just also happens to be the very last day

But it looks like you already did that, cleaner!

But it would mean the world to me,

But it's not gonna, um, work?

But just remind them succinctly that a vote for Hillary

But no one ever tells you about the feet smell, right?

But now I see your face. It's beautiful.

But now, I don't have the three strains

But she's just not my type physically.

But since this happened with my parents, I feel more like, mmm, confidence.

But the Carrie in me couldn't resist, so I did it.

But the combination of...

But the signal is barely there,

But there is a limit to three churrons per customer,

But there is a rumor that Will Smith

But this is a... A Prius, right?

But to have a dick around, I'm down.

But today's a new day for the Jaimé.

But we are gonna find out.

But we can still hang out as friends.

But we could use some of the money from the Alice fund.

But we have soft drinks and food, for an additional charge.

But we would like to hire you to drive us in your taxi.

But what if we get..

But when you say it, I really hear it.

But you can call me Elizabeth.

But you have to be aware of the fluctuations

But you know, it's good to have a look around here.

But you not latina anymore.

But you're not jealous at all?

But, I mean, if you really want to make up for it, you could...

But, like, I feel like I get it, like, it's all, like.

But, seriously, what are you doing?

But, uh, why are you you doing this?

But, why don't you have a massage first?

Butt clenched... I like 'em nervous.

Buy something nice for this place, 'cause it needs a...

By the bowling alley? No.

By throwing a dance a thon. We danced for all night.

Bye bye, baby!

Bye?

Bye.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Can I get you anything?

Can I tell you something?

Can I, uh, buy you an ice coffee real quick?

Can I?

Can you be in love with two people?

Can you breath?

Can you please return to your seat?

Can you rub my back, real fast and hard?

Can you see my arm? I'm in the cab.

Can you turn over, please?

Can't we just do, like, a sideways, like, pouty, cool thing?

Caramel and queerdom.

Cash only, this place, huh?

Cash only.

Cathy comic.

Caught Abbi red 'anded, creepin' on da Soulstice floor.

Cent'anni!

Chain belt.

Cheating is victimless.

Check 'em out, I bear them no ill will.

Check it out.

Cheers.

Chewed through my favorite period panties.

Christina!

Circus, babe!

Class of '96!

Cleaning up too much in here,

Cleaning up white dude's dreadlocks.

Clear!

Clear!

Clear!

Clear.

Co op members cannot share shifts, so technically you need to be me.

College!

Come here, you.

Come here!

Come on, baby.

Come on, Claz, come on!

Come on, come on!

Come on, fuck on!

Come on, gravity, you fucking bitch!

Come on, if you're not gonna swaddle me,

Come on, Jellicle Cat, scheme, make some fucking trouble.

Come on, that was genuinely organic.

Come on, they're so cute.

Come on, Trey, let's do this!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! Come on, we'll split the money!

Come on! Go!

Come on! You can make it!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on... you're a temp agency.

Coming through! Coming through!

Coming!

Congrats

Congrats, this is amazing.

Congratulations. Come on up!

Consuming so many empty calories.

Cool hat. I love hats.

Cool, thank you. I feel much better that you're here now.

Cool, uh... I don't think that I should participate.

Cool, um...

Cool, whatcha doin'?

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool. I mean, yeah, sure, maybe I will.

Could change your life, you know?

Could I speak to the manager? I'm sure I could work something out.

Could we get lychee martinis for the whole table.

Couldn't read that reaction for a while

Crat.

Crispy gelled hair and he does the whole choreographed dance with the bean bag?

Crusty old dude, hot young girl,

Dad, I cannot believe that you're turning my bedroom into an infrared sauna.

Dad, then what?

Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn, bitch.

Damn, the park is serene today

Damn. I could have done that.

Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate.

Dark Star, Disco Biscuits, String Cheese Incident.

Dass it.

Dassit.

Dassit.

Dat ass.

Day 511...

Day in and day out, she's breathing in the fumes, you know,

Dead.

Deals, Deals, Deals.

Deals, Deals, Deals...

Dear God.

Decent ******* population there, actually,

Definitely not pooping.

Derr, derr, derr, derr.

Derr.

Dick deets when I'm done feeling, but, um...

Did I do that?

Did I have something to do with that... name?

Did it again, the power of the butt, bitch

Did she... do it right in front of you?

Did you e mail [email protected]?

Did you get me anything?

Did you know that you can, like, swipe left on Tinder?

Dirt Star, man.

Dis good.

Disconnected from the co op for life.

Do Chinese.

Do everything that we possibly can.

Do German.

Do I have any tape?

Do it!

Do people seriously ask this stuff?

Do something!

Do what, Dale?

Do you by any chance have a tampon?

Do you even realize what you're saying?

Do you guys have a tampon?

Do you guys have any tampons I could...

Do you have any interest

Do you have any tape?

Do you know of any good jobs?

Do you know Steve Jobs stunk and cried all the time?

Do you know them?

Do you know where she lives? I went to high school with her.

Do you like a peach? Yeah.

Do you say "leent"?

Do you see me? I see you

Do you think it's gonna be okay?

Do you want to call, like, a fucking cab or something?

Do you?

Doctor?

Does it say that?

Does this look artsy to you?

Does yarmulke size have anything to do with dick si...

Doesn't seem like enough space for us...

Doing, like, office jobs.

Don't blame yourself, okay?

Don't care that he's a rat. Don't give a shit.

Don't cry, don't cry.

Don't keep it from me.

Don't try and butter me up, I'm a vegan.

Don't waste my time.

Don't worry about it. It's not about who wins and loses, you know?

Don't worry about that noise.

Don't you already have HPV?

Don't you see?

Don't, um, don't steal that, though.

Down the Main Line River and roasted crackers over a fire you built.

Down twat!

Drew Barrymore wrote an entire article about this suitcase.

Drive ourselves within walking distance to JFK,

Drop a pin, I'll pick you up.

Dude he does not mean anything to me.

Dude, ew!

Dude, he's like a Jew, but he's not Jew ish

Dude, I almost, like, just got taken, to, like, a factory for port a potties.

Dude, I can't believe we're actually doing this.

Dude, I can't even believe it.

Dude, I feel crazy.

Dude, I fucking hate myself

Dude, I just joined the Moyel Chai Club!

Dude, I just said you're going to the doctor.

Dude, I really need to Zen out.

Dude, I should have told you about Trey.

Dude, I think they know we're crashing.

Dude, I'm so sorry but we got the basket,

Dude, I'm sorry, what the fuck is a moyel,

Dude, I've been waiting for the bathroom forever.

Dude, it's the first day.

Dude, just trust me. Chill.

Dude, let me try something.

Dude, my hot French subletter is texting me asking my birthday.

Dude, my purpose was revealed to me today.

Dude, so?

Dude, that guy on the gurney is shaking.

Dude, that is almost a month's rent.

Dude, this is so weird.

Dude, thongs are the best. It eliminates an entire layer.

Dude, we better not make any new friends on this trip.

Dude, we should Shark Tank period pants, for real!

Dude, we're just in coach, it's not that bad.

Dude, what if you use my period pants?

Dude, you did this three weeks ago.

Dude. Def fuck him, "Mad Men" style.

Dude...

Dump out, flawless.

Dur, oh my God.

Dur, there's olive tapenade in here.

Each one has a soul, an ass soul.

Either way, we both split the profits, Thelma and Louise style.

Elbows in, sir.

Elder abuse!

Elder abuse!

Elder abuse!

Eliot is in Jersey,

Eliot, this is a real job.

Eliot, you have to.

Eliot!

Enchanté.

Enchanté.

Enchanté.

Enjoy yourself, feel welcome

Enjoy.

Euros are so into numerology.

Even better.

Even better.

Even if I did want to stick a wad up...

Even the wind feels real, right?

Even though I packed really hard for a carry on.

Even though many women my age do experience spotting.

Even though, someone at work actually told me it's pronounced "jiff."

Every 46 minutes of it.

Every day!

Every day.

Every one.

Every time I walk down the street, I'm like...

Every time you'd go to the trash,

Every type of tampon I could find.

Every vote counts

Every woman should have access to tampons, all different sizes.

Everybody love cheese balls.

Everyone except Squints, that was great

Everyone is gonna be sorry they turned their backs on their sisters.

Everyone is happy and nothing has changed.

Everything okay?

Everything you see, you can taste.

Ew, coach.

Ew, Cornell?

Ew, dude!

Ew, what, dude?

Ew!

Ew.

Ew.

Exactly, dude

Exactly, you know? It's so boring not to decorate.

Exactly.

Exactly. Nothing.

Excuse me, sir?

Excuse me, where's the bathroom?

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Experience some sort of spiritual epiphany?

Explain it again.

Explain what?

Explain.

Face forward, please.

Fair fight. Come on.

Fantastic, Barb.

Ffft!

Find out my zodiac sign to see if we're compatible.

Fine, I'll text you

Fine, just... Just blur my face, okay? Listen, I gotta go.

Fine, we have to go back, dude.

Fine. I hear the Bushwick co op is better anyway.

Fingering

Finish this now.

First and only mother of Chelsea and Socks.

First dance to Wicked Wisdom.

First edition commemorative

First of all, in the near future,

First, tape the back of the tag,

Fist!

Fist!

Fixed it.

Flat iron. Headbands.

Flirt alert, oh, my God, cute dress, Ab.

Flying to Florida, woo!

Football's, like, too scary.

For a moment, I swear I had this, like,

For a while and don't feel any pressure at all to say yes.

For an undetermined amount of time.

For free!

For me, it's wrestlers, gymnasts... jockeys, bay bay!

For my reunion.

For Q Believe This Idiot. Tumblr.com?

For real, every single professional photo

For the next ten days, we will be traveling

For the privilege of membership,

For what?

For when we first see her gnarled, mangled disfigurement.

For, for... yeah, yeah... I got them.

Found out about again, because you couldn't admit it

Four minute warning.

Four weeks ago was our first kiss.

Four, three...

Free bottles?

Free bottles.

Free.

Fresh Lychee's, Ab.

Fresh on his tail

From God.

From Seattle! Get a clue, man!

From slowly peeing.

From your body and head?

Fuck me in fucking face!

Fuck me.

Fuck yeah.

Fuck you, Lindsay.

Fuck you!

Fuck you.

Fuck you.