Broad City (2014) - Season 1 Edit

A big misunderstanding.

A lot of flights.

A small handful of times

A walk in closet and Robbers!

A whole rigamarole to get you to... No, no, no.

Aah! God!

Ab!

Abbi sent me a Facebook invite to her gallery debut.

Abbi, can you believe that Darcy's the first of the

Abbi, do you remember that holiday party that we thought

Abbi, do you remember that time the chicken satays

Abbi, hey, girl, do me a favor.

Abbi, I am a veteran of this game.

Abbi, I have some bad news,

Abbi, I'm behind you!

Abbi, Jaime's coworker has a turtle

Abbi, parkour is terrifying, I know.

Abbi, sit by me.

Abbi, that's great.

Abbi, that's the makings of a great trainer.

Abbi, there is a hot couch on the corner of 4th and Avenue C.

Abbi, this keeps happening to you.

Abbi, this one is a great idea.

Abbi, wait!

Abbi, why wouldn't we be rating them on dick size?

Abbi, you are a natural traceur.

Abbi, you are ageless.

Abbi, you are the love of my... life.

Abbi, you gotta check out the sink.

Abbi, you're home.

Abbi, you're overcoming your fear, all right?

Abbi!

Abbi's fine, I've been with her all day.

Abbi's right.

About a year ago.

About your brother's dick?

Across the board No.

Adoy!

Adrenaline!

After business hours if they wanna hook up.

After three years of using it, dude.

After tonight, I realized

Against the nipples. Why are we going over this?

Agreed. You know, with bells and whistles.

Ahh!

All 101 Dalmatians are probably dead.

All good points by Nicole.

All right, (bleep) you.

All right, come 'ere, huddle up.

All right, come on on, let's go.

All right, give me Lincoln's clothes.

All right, he's a 6.

All right, I'll add it to the list.

All right, I'm asking him out.

All right, just give me a sec.

All right, okay!

All right, so it is time for us to do it.

All right, sure.

All right, the Alaskan king crab stew.

All right, there's got to be at least, like,

All right, we don't have time to be locked out.

All right, we're back in? Yeah!

All right, well, Mary, where do I sign?

All right, well, maybe I'll talk to you soon.

All right, you speak parkour, right?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Let's go get high,

All right. Okay, that's fine.

All right. You know what?

All righty. You know, I'm gonna

All we need to get started is one word.

Allright, do a face that I hate.

Alright, let's go, come on.

Also, I'm terrified of Craigslist.

Always angled himself out to me.

Amen.

Anal's on the menu.

And and I was touching myself...

And "Smelly Cat"?

And a mind, dude

And a sexy ass new dating web site bought it

And another thing, I know a girl who returned a vacuum

And Beyonce and I do have similar curves.

And Bryce, his sub, is also missing.

And don't call us, we'll call you.

And five.

And he was really scary, he was so creepy.

And he will take her straight to Newark airport.

And here's your amuse bouche.

And honestly, probably look better than if we hadn't been

And how is everything so far?

And I compose the "on hold" music.

And I do hope you ladies enjoy it.

And I don't understand this, Ilana.

And I fell right into a fire hydrant.

And I know he'd steal a car and come up for the night.

And I know you're not gonna want to go, but I have to,

And I'll I'll lick a thumb... Seriously, I This is

And I'll give the driver a signal,

And I'll have them in quarters, please.

And I'll tell you again,

And I'm getting an overdraft fee every day.

And I'm in.

And I'm obsessed with.

And I'm, like, the holder of your Social Security card.

And it just had baby turtles.

And it takes two to tango.

And it's a

And just go home with them.

And learn Settlers of Catan.

And learned how to, like, really breathe,

And look at the Hardy boys.

And Mr. Carter sat here.

And my life's gonna be behind me.

And my worst enemy.

And neither do you that's all.

And no upper body strength.

And now they have an entire book series about them.

And one of those things that in the bathroom

And our sex is on the quiet side.

And poppers.

And she died, but she, like, died doing it.

And so I just hang out with her.

And still nothing.

And take all the staples out of these?

And that makes me uncomfortable in a different way.

And then a condom fell out of me.

And then emptying myself with laxatives.

And then he started waxing it and all of a sudden it was like,

And then I (bleep), and it just

And then I ate a whole cake.

And then I like to work the tempo up and up and up.

And then I was going to the bathroom,

And then I'm gonna pluck my eyebrows, get my make up on.

And then just kills them.

And then kills them?

And then my throat's gonna start to close up

And then right when I'm (bleep), I (bleep),

And then splashed with a really yummy ramp dressing.

And then they said no.

And then we can enjoy this clams Filipino even more.

And then you come, okay?

And then you heard me, so you laughed.

And then, there's a There's a

And there's no meat. No.

And there's no sound anymore.

And they don't really

And they have really good sushi.

And they're butt to butt and then you and I do Oprah hands.

And they're gone, and you never see them again,

And this is the right remote.

And to Julianna Margulies.

And toilets with two flush buttons cheers

And turned it off to be polite.

And watch you do it, all right, come on. Okay.

And we are here!

And we have a cabinet full of staples here.

And we only take nickels.

And we're gonna find yours in three, two, one. Oh, my God.

And where did Jay sit exactly?

And you brought her? What is wrong with you?

And you get to pick the color.

And you know what?

And you know, just be patient, okay? Okay

And you need to deal with me dealing with that.

And you wonder what they did with their whole life.

And you'll just stab me with an epi pen.

And you're, like, 12, right?

And you've never played this before.

And your eye is blowing up.

And your head and body, too. Thanks.

And your joie de, uh...

And, um, we would really love

And, you know, getting screwed by people

Anticipation.

Anything you want to do to David Blaine

Anything.

Anytime! God.

Anyway, Abbi's not picking up any of her calls,

Anyway, he became a DJ in Provincetown, then he OD'd.

Anyway, like I was saying,

Anywhere else is fine.

Arch that back, arch that back.

Are there any food allergies you'd like me to know about?

Are they... free sandwiches?

Are we just leaving it?

Are you a human being? Hello?

Are you eating garbage bagels?

Are you just sayin' that so I'll do the rest of the dance?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? Ilana, stop

Are you okay?

Are you still talking to me? Yeah.

Are you sure, Abbi?

Aren't you already high?

Art and Abbi?

As I thought it would be.

As the dudes go down on us at the same time?

Asked to fly around the world?

At 8:00 and I just bet he's the drummer.

At least they're not home.

At my place, just

At the stroke of midnight, as I turned 26.

Ate here recently,

Away from the office.

Awesome.

Baby...

Bad music.

Bad sex. Really bad sex

Beard, where your room at?

Beautiful day.

Beautiful, Abbi.

Beautiful.

Because I'll probably,

Because the train wasn't running

Because then I would be closeted.

Because we only deal with the cream.

Because you returned the cable box, but not the remote.

Because you're a crazy person.

Because, like a lady,

Been a long time.

Before I know it, I'm gonna wake up and be 23

Before I rented you the car, I went through an itemized list.

Before Jerry Lewis sees you again.

Ben Affleck was homeless for a night for charity.

Ben!

Bevers, I swear to God that better be "E.R."

Bike down to the Sei Wah bus, okay?

Bitch, please.

Bitch, you're 22.

Bitch!

Bitch!

Blood pressure dropping.

Blue team to the ER.

Bobby Cornhauser.

Body Butter!

Bon appetit.

Built right after the Iraq war.

But "Silver Linings Playbook," we have the place to ourselves.

But do you have...

But don't repeat that to anybody.

But honestly, I know my limit.

But I highly doubt it.

But I need to get outta here before the cops come.

But I would recommend "The sex trafficking

But I'm not a big fan of "hard," either, for a lady.

But I'm pretty damn positive.

But it is no guarantee.

But it's pretty much your private bathroom.

But it's white people problems, so let's see if you

But mostly photos.

But my newest one is, um, the Six Flags guy.

But no underwear in the underwears drawer

But now that you're not coming, I'm bummed.

But seriously, thank you for your services, they were good.

But she still did it.

But sure.

But the way you took initiative today was very solstice.

But then I know that you would maybe want to be a dude.

But these aren't braces.

But they haven't.

But tonight, it's like, what could tonight lead to?

But we all know who's the star of the show here. Ilana.

But we could really use some Abbi magic.

But we didn't do anything about it.

But wherever it is, I hope it's happy.

But with SelectDate, you get to choose

But would your sickly body allow for that?

But you're welcome to stay and have an hour

But you've got to get back on that urban jungle.

But your improv show was just not good.

But, like, a lot faster.

But, um, Penn Station I can't.

But... I'm sorry I was a bitch.

But... you will one day.

By you.

Bye, guys.

Can I be honest with you?

Can I get a one word suggestion?

Can I interest anyone in a dose of reality?

Can I speak to your manager, please?

Can just, like, mass murder all their own cockroaches?

Can keep it in perspective.

Can we please not?

Can you guys help me find it?

Can you guys play something else?

Can you pick me up? Can you lift me up?

Can you start today?

Can you throw on some sweats?

Can't find this remote.

Can't let it get me down.

Caramel and queer and everybody's gonna live

Cat pass? Do a cat pass.

Celebrating your birthday, okay?

Cell phones are so close to being perfect,

Central Perk.

Chad Michael Fong

Check me out.

Check out this crown molding right there.

Chris Wazcyleski, he was a nude model

Ciao, Rodrigo!

Clams Persimmico in a gold leaf glaze.

Clear!

Cocktail hour, but we'll make it time for apps before

Coke can, plantain big.

Come down and do a spit roast.

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on, faster!

Come on, it's my job to improve morale.

Come on, let's hurry up.

Come on, let's move it!

Come on, pussies!

Come on, take this pen. Hey!

Come on, we got a couple minutes!

Come on, we're leaving.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Okay, tic tac.

Coming up on 1600 hours here.

Consider it a sandwich shop,

Constipation or diarrhea?

Constipation, I think.

Cool, I'll text you. Okay.

Cool, yeah.

Cool.

Cool. I like that "I Dream of Jeannie" hair.

Cool. Or, no.

Cool. Yeah.

Corporate morale is not a department!

Could you turn the music off, please?

Crushed it.

Cumin braiding. Where is this broker?

Cute little Mexican candies.

Dale, we were never together!

Dale.

Damn a!

Damn right I'm right!

Damn, we are so hot right now.

Darcy and Abbi made out.

Darcy's parents have a timeshare.

David Blaine?!

Day 274.

Dayum!

Dead!

Dead!

Deal? No deal.

Definitely not.

Definitely O.J.

Delete, delete that!

Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete

Dennis, keep squatting, I'm gonna do some parkour.

Dennis, relax that face, buddy, okay?

Dennis!

Dial tone. Dial tone

Diarrhea, I'm like, okay.

Dick Cheney, go easy on me, dude.

Did Amelia Earhart wait to be

Did you forget about my art show? No, no.

Did you not notice that you were missing a condom?

Did you pee it or poop it?

Did you return your cable box?

Did you write it down?

Did you, like, cry, when he died?

Dirty gym clothes, not for loose goo.

Do a cat pass under the hood.

Do heroin under the aurora borealis.

Do I dare say we toast?

Do I or do I not have herpes?

Do it! Push it!

Do you freak out when celebrities come in here?

Do you guys have Naked juices?

Do you have any, like, credentials?

Do you have me? Here, I got you.

Do you know what a sandwich is?

Do you know who's at the top of my mom's gross sex list?

Do you need a couch? I'm e mailing you pics.

Do you remember?

Do you wanna insure the driver?

Do you wanna?

Do you want to get a drink tomorrow? Yeah.

Do you want to insure against other cars?

Do you, Darcy...

Do you?

Do you... look... crazy?

Don't act like you don't know.

Don't be ashamed. Oh, no.

Don't be insane, Ilana, I mean Darcy is marrying the heir to

Don't do drugs.

Don't do drugs.

Don't even worry about it, you know?

Don't ever let society change you.

Don't forget whose name is on the lease.

Don't give up now, Abbi.

Don't listen to her, Mario.

Don't put your shirt on before you leave.

Don't rip it, I still want to return this.

Don't shake my hand, it was just down my pants.

Don't worry, dude, chill.

Don't worry, you'll have sexual intercourse very soon.

Don't you ever tell Abbi.

Draw four units of ACE inhibitors.

Drop you off at a mental hospital?

Dude, I I thought he was in a band.

Dude, I'm gonna be so pissed if you're dead,

Dude, in his day, he was a solid man.

Dude, what do you think is worse?

Dude, you're not doing the pole right now.

Dude! (Bleep)

Dude.

Eighth Avenue.

Either one. Let's just go in here.

Enjoy your meals. Thank you.

Enjoy, ladies.

Even though I have a vagina!

Even though I'm white. Typical honky.

Even though that name, I think, is a little bit ridiculous.

Every animal,

Every once in a while, I like a finger

Everybody can tell that you're stoned.

Everybody can tell that you're stoned.

Everybody loves it. Everybody hates it!

Everybody okay?

Everybody okay?

Everybody out.

Everybody out.

Everybody's really riding my ass today.

Everyone in the building is doing it at 4:00 p.m. sharp.

Everything I've done has happened to you.

Everything you're about to see will be fully improvised.

Ew, disgusting, Ilana.

Ew, no, just meet me in a public place.

Ew, Pam, this place is horrible.

Ew, you're hard?

Ew!

Ew! What? Okay.

Ew. Hey!

Eww, dude, a 10?!

Eww.

Eww...

Exactly what's happening.

Exactly, it's like a feminism thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly, that's what they're for.

Excellent. Before we get started,

Except for me and Jeremy,

Except that I just miss that there's like a

Except when I do go, I really go.

Excuse me

Experimentation, it was gonna be with me.

Fall into the toilet, but...

Faster!

Fictional characters, but I appreciate the...

Fine, today you can peek.

Fine.

First night of my 26th year

First one's fine, I think. Yeah.

First voice message.

Five hours late, wearing a napkin as a shirt,

For $8,000!

For 900 bucks a month.

For a remote control?

For checks that are this large?

For dick pics and sex media in general

For flat tires.

For like, 40 minutes.

For most.

For my birthday and I peed out a condom.

For my birthday.

For real? 18 months.

For somebody who works at the bank,

For the art.

For the last 48 hours.

For turning you out.

For whites who are single and ready to mingle.

Forward thinking, I guess, then. Or corruption.

Freeze, ass (bleep), don't move, don't breathe.

Friend he has sex with" kind of thing,

From every movie we've loved as a kid,

From here on out, I am stepping it up.

From last year's.

From my clutch. Durr!

From now on, you will be sending me a picture

From NYU

From the cream of the crop.

From the other night with boring Ben,

Full disclosure:

Fun and cool and fresh?

Get a caricature or something?

Get away!

Get in my belly!

Get it.

Get out!

Get ready, because everybody's gonna whip

Get the pads.

Get your hot piece. All right, I'm going.

Gets their money's worth, 'cause, like, I'm...

Give me the remote.

Glasses off, you're (bleep) gorgeous.

Gluten, which I think is like an adult human thing

Go (bleep) your brother, dude.

Go to a pug farm.

Go, go, go!

Go, you're so much like dad.

Go! Go! Go, go, go!

God, I can't believe Will didn't go to Penn Station.

God, I hope there's not another speed bump.

God, I love this car.

God, it is over!

God, just hold on.

God, no it isn't.

God, these bagels here are, like, very good, so.

God, this is terrible.

God, why am I so turned on right now?

God, you know who had the really big dick?

God!

God?

God.

God.

God.

Gonna really feel it in those glutes, okay?

Good evening, mademoiselles.

Good job today.

Good luck editing.

Good save, Morgan.

Goodbye, Ben something.

Goodbye.

Gossip!

Got any roommates?

Got some good momentum.

Gotta commend you, I got adult braces two years ago, and it was

Gotta love that transitions insurance.

Great so do you want this in cash?

Great idea number nine.

Great, and she's gonna pay for it.

Great, let's do this. Okay.

Great, let's go track it down.

Great, like, cabinets and...

Great, you should tell me more while I transform my room

Great.

Great.

Great.

Great.

Great. Okay.

Guys, I just got dumped.

Guys, the Sei Wah bus runs every half hour.

Ha ha ha!

Harder, harder!

Has anyone seen a phone?

Has it happened to you? No.

Has made a reservation under Abbi Abrams for two.

Hasta la vista, Abbi.

Have any more tears left in me.

Have any of the pieces sold yet?

Have been having... sexual intercourse

Have fun doing all your drugs together,

He called me hot.

He cuts off his breathing so much

He does that with his arms.

He had a really big penis.

He is in Vermont for a straight wedding.

He probably has a French press

He spent a hot sec in jail, but he lives in South Jersey

He stopped eating carbs and got totally ripped.

He taught me how to fish, skip stones, whittle.

He told me the rules to some game, Settlers of Catan,

He was a 10. No, no, no.

He was adorable.

He was hot. He was like a spunky bad boy.

He was like my best friend, you know?

He was on the cover of magazines and stuff.

He was so boring.

He was supposed to text me, so now, I'm, like,

He was, like, my best friend, you know?

He wasn't wearing a condom last night.

He went to Cornell.

He would let me do anything.

He'll let you do.

He's a 10. I mean, look at him.

He's a yoga teacher.

He's dead and this is the last thing of his I have.

He's good, right?

He's gotta be uninhibited.

He's like Right off the bus?

He's so classy.

He's so classy.

He's tall and he's bilingual?

He's, like, so rubbery.

He's...

Hel I'll be right in.

Hello, how can I help you?

Hello, new friend.

Hello, Sir.

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

Hello. My name is John

Hello. Okay.

Help!

Henry Rowdenbush, had a unibrow all through middle school

Here is the shellfish medley.

Here it comes.

Here to wax the usual spots?

Here you go.

Here.

Here. Dale

Here's this place.

Herpes? Yeah, all over.

Hey Abbi, you gotta start somewhere.

Hey, Ab, never mind about that umbrella idea.

Hey, Abidab,

Hey, and I know you didn't make the food,

Hey, bro. Hey.

Hey, came from her heart.

Hey, dude.

Hey, girl, there's, like, piss and blood on it.

Hey, guys, listen.

Hey, guys, so sorry to interrupt, but Zandir,

Hey, I'm glad you're not dead, Abbi.

Hey, if she doesn't get the room, I might.

Hey, Ilana.

Hey, it's 2014.

Hey, Janice, can I speak with you for a second? Yeah.

Hey, Kevin, what's up with your bike, dude?

Hey, ladies,

Hey, Lincoln, did you hear that cool question?

Hey, one of you stole our phone.

Hey, shut up.

Hey, this is Abbi, leave a message. (beep)

Hey, this is what living on the edge looks like.

Hey, Trey?

Hey, where at you?

Hey, Yevgenya. Hey.

Hey, you guys know that television show "Friends"?

Hey, your drawing sold.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. What's up, Jer?

Hi

Hi, baby.

Hi, Galina, hey Tatiana.

Hi, girls. It's me, Pam.

Hi, hi.

Hi, John. Hi, John.

Hi, would you mind making sure

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Enchante, uh, monsieur.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Yeah

HI...

High five. All right.

High on life!

High quality lotion, I'm gonna take the lotion.

His weight fluctuates.

Hmm.

Hmm. Men's or women's?

Ho, whoa. Ooh.

Hold on a second, there's an elevator?

Hold on, do you just have one fact that you repeat?

Hold on, Morgan, did you say something

Hold up, though, dude

Holiday Inn Express?

Holy (bleep)!

Holy shit! What?

Honestly, dude?

Honestly, I do it to buy myself some time because

Honestly, Morgan's boner for you is so big

How are you?

How big, how big, how big?

How did you find out about this place?

How do I not know that you're allergic to shellfish?

How do I not know them? I don't know.

How do you do this every day?

How do you not see that that's inappropriate?

How many dicks are floating around?

How much for this shirt? I can

How's that mattress treatin' ya?

How's the steak doing?

How's the, um, gallery going?

Howie Mandel.

Huh.

Huh.

Huh.

Huh.

Human being!

Human being! Huge feelings.

Human being.

I I don't have my key.

I I don't want to go there. Must we?

I I highly doubt that, so going right to the locker room,

I I mean, like, more high.

I actually meant if you have any food allergies

I agree with you.

I almost never go.

I also do billing, installation programming,

I also have some business with the bank.

I am I'm so sorry.

I am a robot and I'm programmed to be horny.

I am gentrification, you know.

I am gonna die because you're killing me slowly.

I am in a boat.

I am moving the (bleep) out!

I am so overworked.

I am so sorry, dude.

I am the problem.

I am well aware.

I ate banana pudding, I just

I believe his payment card should be on file.

I bet I was high the last time I had my remote.

I bet my battery died.

I bet the freak was seeing a play

I bought every insurance you offered.

I bought her a one way ticket to Santa Fe.

I brought all the essentials gum, Adderall,

I can pay in quarters, right?

I can prove that I live here, okay?

I can, like, smell it.

I can... she's been engaged for like seven years.

I can't afford to lose another teacher.

I can't believe I can get a room in Manhattan

I can't believe that I'm gonna go to my first gallery show

I can't believe this.

I can't believe you're into that.

I can't even believe I just did seven flights.

I can't even believe that, like, I didn't notice it.

I can't even imagine how many dudes

I can't find that remote. I I

I can't go...

I can't leave you here by yourself.

I can't live in this apartment for another second.

I can't remember a thing!

I can't say no.

I can't sleep like this. I feel like I'm in a coffin.

I can't.

I cancelled my cable nine months ago.

I carry it to make me look petite.

I compose that too.

I could knock a few dollars off the rent.

I could use one.

I cried so hard I thought I didn't

I crush at weddings.

I did a backflip..

I did this