Broad City (2014) - Season 2 Edit

A (Bleep) dud!

A couple of my best friends showed up.

A dental surgery victim needs.

A diamond?

A guy just ran in here.

A hot sec from here.

A lot more time with him lately, right?

A lot of different ways, but not...

A lot of traffic around it.

A lump of clay we're gonna sculpt together, Abbi.

A man!

A mangina is when a guy pulls his dick through his legs,

A mother(Bleep) nose ring!

A nose ring, dude?

A Philadelphia queen from down the main line,

A tapeworm.

A throwback Thursday pic that I put up.

A time to talk about that, like, just the two of us,

A to D.

A weed genius!

A Windsor knot.

A...

Ab dude, we should roll to the wedding.

Ab, Ab, Ab.

Ab, all throughout college, I slept with a strap on on,

Ab, do you think Lincoln and I are like a "couple"?

Ab, I got one!

Ab, I gotta go get a wig, it's my birthday!

Ab, it's already over.

Ab, try it.

Ab!

Ab!

Ab?

Ab?

Ab?

Ab? Abbi?

Ab.

Abbi

Abbi a!

Abbi Abrams!

Abbi Anna Abrams! My mother's freshly dead!

Abbi had to go because she's got a tapeworm in her butt.

Abbi is weak right now, like a baby, like an infant.

Abbi needs to take two Vicodin every four hours.

Abbi, Adele.

Abbi, angle his gluteus towards me.

Abbi, bragging about not judging something

Abbi, buy me that.

Abbi, come on, join the party, jump in.

Abbi, come on, join the party, jump in.

Abbi, give it to her.

Abbi, I can't.

Abbi, I don't think I can do this.

Abbi, I just saw an Instagram of you at a party

Abbi, I need you to go talk to Melody.

Abbi, if you farted, it's all right.

Abbi, it is going to be off the damn chain.

Abbi, motivate him, tell him how ripped he's gonna be.

Abbi, oh, it's so good to see you.

Abbi, put those away.

Abbi, sweetheart,

Abbi, thank you so much for talking to Melody for me

Abbi, that foot is jacked up.

Abbi, that trick is for after hours, okay?

Abbi, that's really dangerous.

Abbi, when you said,

Abbi, you never give me enough credit.

Abbi, you're such a good cleaner.

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi! (Foot stomping)

Abbi! I spilled!

Abbi! Ilana!

Abbi?

Abbi?

Abbi?

Abbi?!

Abbi.

Abbi. (Scoffing)

Abbi...

Abbi...

Abbi's blood mother is in Turks and Caicos,

Abbi's the man, Abbi's the man.

Abbi's transitioning into becoming a man,

Abbi's wearing my backpack as a diaper.

About Grandma Esther passing away.

About where our food comes from and stuff.

About?

Absolutely.

Actually, call me Miss Wexler.

Actually, if you guys want to carry boxes

Actually, we couldn't, because we're going to the meat sack

Add a whole new element to your image.

Adele, it was so nice meeting you.

Adele, this is Abbi.

Admitting it is the first step in the road to recovery.

Adults aren't supposed to ask kids to keep secrets.

After a dude went unconscious.

Again, that's not what I said.

Ah, come on, this is unbelievable!

Ah, good.

Ah, Stacey. That's so good.

Ah, we just had sex.

Ah!

Ah! Balls.

Ah.

Ah... all right.

Ah... Mmm...

Ah... oh, man!

Ahh, Jeremy.

Ahh! Ahh!

Airball.

Ali, is there a problem?

Alia Hanoon.

All he does is talk about how funny you are.

All Hollywood media is porn,

All I am calling it.

All lumpy and (Bleep).

All major religions have a dual God system,

All my senses are heightened,

All night long

All right

All right, Abbi, pick a hand.

All right, Abbi, that was not great.

All right, agree to disagree.

All right, buddy.

All right, don't forget to wear a condom.

All right, go protein up, all right?

All right, guys, what's up?

All right, guys!

All right, I agree.

All right, I'll just cliff notes it for you then.

All right, I'll take this and we'll take these.

All right, I'll take... I'll take the cash.

All right, I'm going to show you guys how it's done first

All right, I'm gonna be spontaneous.

All right, I'm gonna go grab my Lumia and take some pics.

All right, I'm gonna hold the bed,

All right, I'm sorry, you guys.

All right, let's get to work.

All right, let's open this up

All right, listen.

All right, Maria, so it's your first day.

All right, okay.

All right, okay.

All right, party's over, you (Bleep).

All right, so we can eat as many dumplings as you want...

All right, switch, now I get to be Rose.

All right, thank you.

All right, we need to go outside for real

All right, well, have fun.

All right, who's got a Marc Jacobs peacoat?

All right, yeah.

All right, you go ahead

All right, you got it, and then I just straddled.

All right, you got your tweezer and your tweezing mirror.

All right! Okay.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Jesus, cool down.

All right. Thank you, guys

All the good (Bleep) is always down a manhole.

All the lawyers are now into me

All the way to the master fridge.

All this free booze and all this free food.

All those beefcakes.

All we have to do is find this person, get Kelly's coat,

All we want is some wooden milk crates

All you can eat buffet!

All you, buddy. All you, all you.

Also, a (Bleep) ton of people play that song and love it!

Also, I found a clue.

Also, I love roofs.

Also, I wanna do it in one of those birthing pools,

Also, maybe you want to do me a favor

Also, you said that really fast, dude.

Although we haven't had sex in like, four days.

Although, if somebody wants to get it,

Although, if that is true,

Amazing.

Amber alert.

And "organize my life?"

And a little splash of crème de menthe.

And a scallywag to boot?

And Adele and I only kissed.

And all porn is kiddie porn.

And all that.

And all we get is dessert.

And also to me... this is my first time ever on a boat.

And also, I could totally be on Broadway.

And also, I could totally be on Broadway.

And at the end of the night.

And by "we," I mean me.

And do it again with that cheap knockoff?

And do you, Atticus,

And don't you worry about leaving that message for Jeremy.

And everybody knows, first of all, that I sit camera left.

And eye opening and like a really important film to see

And find the most disadvantaged person here

And for your role modelness

And get a real job like an R.A

And get me a real Abbi flavor.

And get that baby back whenever she pleases.

And get their stuff now.

And get this.

And give to their rich friends...

And guess what?

And he's maximum erect.

And how she... she lived with no regrets.

And I am her mother now.

And I bet he doesn't even care if I waxed or not.

And I cannot wait for you to open up this b day gift.

And I did it on the first night.

And I didn't get my set visit.

And I do, I do pec jumps.

And I feel like it's moving, like, through my body.

And I feel like my apartment is just... it's dirty, and there's

And I got one that looks just like yours,

And I just have to deal with that, so..

And I just hope that you know that

And I just realized that they're still in there

And I know that you..

And I love DUI's.

And I need leather tissues.

And I need to take care of her.

And I need you to clean it.

And I need you to take care of me.

And I really want to keep a plant alive

And I started to shove paper towels

And I think the rest are just gonna be extras, so yeah.

And I think we're going to work out all our issues tonight.

And I think you guys are diggity diggity dope, okay?

And I thought I would feel dirty afterwards,

And I thought you were hiring one intern.

And I want to join ancestry.com.

And I was like, "we should switch positions,"

And I wiped down every surface of my apartment.

And I'll tell you what, when I get back,

And I'm building my résumé.

And I'm falling apart and my dick doesn't work anymore, so... "

And I'm getting deported.

And I'm going to go to sleep like, forever,

And I'm gonna be so fast,

And I'm having some, um... (Clearing throat)

And I'm just like, at this place in my life

And if anyone asks, I'll say...

And if you don't wake up, I'll still see you...

And if you're not having sex,

And it made me think, we all need to live more like that,

And it starts in two hours.

And it was communicated to me before this ceremony

And it's a cash only restaurant.

And it's also against the rules.

And it's gonna be so good,

And it's gonna get gone.

And it's like, gross.

And it's like, who even owns anything these days anyway?

And it's made out of all natural materials...

And it's not going to be weird

And it's very popular with married couples.

And it's, like, not cool.

And just being like, for being, you know...

And just like, finally spill the beans that, like,

And lanyard for entertainment.

And live like normal people.

And marry that robot.

And meet you in heaven or whatever.

And move on and that is hot too and cool.

And my brain's been a dud all day.

And my favorite movie

And next year, I want to finish a book..

And not call to change?

And now he's turning tricks on St. Mark's.

And now I gotta leave right now.

And now my goal is money, money, money, bitch.

And now, without further ado,

And now, without the rings,

And only one movie.

And people are saying that we're so cute together.

And place him in front of your neck.

And remember, form is essential!

And settle out of court.

And she (Bleep) Little Richard

And she is occupato.

And she says I embarrassed her in front of her whole firm.

And she told me that I have, um...

And she went to the University of New York.

And she'd leave it there indefinitely,

And she's like, "uh, don't tell my dad, okay?

And shoot myself in the heart.

And sometimes death really makes me think about...

And swinging and drooping,

And that was to get a deal.

And that's it, whole thing's gonna be painless.

And that's, like, a cheap knockoff.

And the gauze in your mouth adds authenticity.

And the toll into the city? 13 bucks.

And then boom.

And then he throws me a strap on.

And then I can deliver it to her like, beautifully toned arms.

And then I realized, no.

And then it bounced down two flights of stairs.

And then maybe you can talk a little bit quieter.

And then option the rights.

And then round it out at 12:47 with some

And then sell them?

And then stomp on my balls with high heels, please.

And then the whole corn issue.

And then we have to rip the plug out to go to sleep,

And then we scream for help together?

And then we'll give them our seats.

And then we're gonna get you home, girl.

And then Yale law and then kill a stripper

And then you dab your t zone, lightly.

And then you're back to being friends, right?

And they got cornichons.

And they look exactly like that.

And this was not a fraudulent charge.

And to remember,

And tonight we're watching DVDs?

And tonight, I can already tell it's gonna be

And try to keep the Alanis Morissette down?

And very, very Happy Birthday.

And wax with Martha Plimpton.

And we don't even have our phones.

And we gotta meet back here tonight after closing.

And we'd like to confirm that you, Abbi Abrams,

And we're going to find it.

And we're gonna get the gift!

And we're gonna need Mattie Bevers to the mic.

And what about Blue Ivy?

And what are you gonna do this upcoming year?

And whether or not we are students.

And yell, "wanna 'fook'?"

And you can build a life that is..

And you never know where it's gonna go.

And you never will.

And your curls and your cheeks.

And your outfit is close to appropriate.

And your scent, you know.

And, and to being.

And, hey, Jaimés.

And, hey, the company can afford it.

And?

And... and... and...

And... I'm not patronizing you,

And... well, I haven't changed my mind, so...

Animated movies are where it's at

Anything, girl stuff, whatever.

Apologies.

Are like off the chain today

Are we extremely early?

Are you (Bleep) kidding me?

Are you (Bleep) talking about the beanie babies?

Are you a specialist?

Are you Abbi?

Are you filling out a contract?

Are you gonna call?

Are you insane?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding?

Are you okay, you scared the (bleep) out of me.

Are you okay?

Are you ready to explore the infinite abyss?

Are you ready to get on the party train.

Are you ready to rise to your potential?

Are you ready?

Are you sure that's even a cat?

Are you, um, going to go to Trey's party tonight?

Aren't you a hot diggity diggity dog

Around my negative space in my foot or something,

Art!

As the lighting here is not good and it's not a theater,

As well as my tukas?

Ask my parents for money.

Ass(Bleep)

At a Foot Locker in Times Square.

At least you found a good use for that dildo.

At the charity event last night.

At the naturalization ceremony?

At the Whole Foods in Gowanus, Brooklyn.

Atticus and Poppi's* dads

Ay, baby, everybody uses the valencia.

Aye, aye.

Baby Doll?

Baby girl, you know we can make commission here?

Baby, I will like anticipate your every single need.

Back to our home.

Bags, bags, bags

Bags, bags, bags.

Bags, bags.

Bam!

Based on my stuff.

Based on the artist's imagination, um...

Be free, go.

Be good.

Be the change!

Be your soulstie self, Matthew.

Be yourself, but be cool.

Beacon's closet!

Beautiful, beautiful. Where'd you get this?

Beautiful.

Because her law firm's like, really strict and rich,

Because it comes out of my horn

Because me and Lincoln want to become blood brothers.

Because my mom just pulled out.

Because of a very special lady,

Because of you.

Because regular porn is like,

Because the shrimp is always the first thing

Because they're now, like, sort of part of my body.

Because we're a minority in our class,

Because you'll be telling a friend and not a boss.

Because you're not paying them.

Because you're such a bobo,

Because, you know, Ilana was telling me about grandma Esther

Beep, beep, beep.

Beep, beep, beep.

Before Poppi changes her mind again.

Being off the matrix is gonna make us

Besides, we already live together.

Besides, you know what?

Best of luck, ladies... Ciao.

Bevers joined Soulstice today.

Bevers, Bevers.

Bevers, Bevers.

Bevers, come on, let's go!

Bevers, do you want me to get it?

Bevers, I still had $17 on that.

Bevers, I'm so sorry.

Bevers, oh, my God!

Bevers, what are you even doing here?

Bevers, what is on your back?

Bevers, why do you have shrimp in your pocket?

Bevers, you have four brothers.

Bevers, you love this woman.

Bevers!

Bevers! Bevers!

Bevers?

Bevers?

Bevers.

Big mistake.

Big.

Birthday boy, and we all knew it..

Bitch, dur, dur, dur, dur, dur.

Bitch, you know.

Bitch's gotta buy a mirror here.

Blood brothers.

Bloomberg isn't mayor anymore.

Bodybytrey.biz. Cut out.

Bom bom bwooom.

Boy? He's 34 years old.

Boys!

Bragging about not judging or judging.

Braid the (bleep) out of them silky ass doll locks.

Brazil nut, I gotta say your pitch is fantastic.

Buckle up, buttercup.

Busy day.

But Abbi, good for you for trying something new,

But Abbi, you can't tell anyone, all right?

But all the world is a stage.

But are either of you good at bungee jumping,

But could you drop off some stuff he left here?

But did you know that people steal people's dogs

But did you remember the rings?

But don't cry for Grandma Esther.

But don't worry, there's a huge internet community of dudes

But everybody has to pay rent.

But for the rest of the time,

But he is also a werewolf.

But honestly, your legs look amazing.

But I assumed "broke ass" means "broken"?

But I didn't see his dick once.

But I didn't want to step on anyone's toes, you know,

But I got her favorite dinner

But I kind of did it for Grandma Esther, you know?

But I kinda need you to leave me alone

But I know how much Bevers loves you,

But I really don't want to be underdressed.

But I think it's more important for me to be a woman right now.

But I was so good.

But I... I know that you're upset,

But I'd be posh spice

But I'd get married here in a second.

But I'm feeling really great right now.

But I'm glad I wore my awesome new shirt.

But I'm moving to Williamsburg!

But I'm not going to be able to help it, you know?

But I'm not making any money.

But I'm not scared, 'cause I'm with a stone cold rapist!

But I'm very scared.

But if I don't do something,

But if you're not into Atticus,

But Ilana, no log flume, for real.

But in a way that makes me hard.

But it came to my attention that we look exactly alike.

But it was so nice.

But it will not shoot.

But it's cyclical.

But it's Friday.

But it's gonna... we're gonna get it out of there.

But it's like, ask me first?

But it's not plus three, so...

But it's still a mess down in Haiti.

But mine was a shinjo

But my asshole is fair game, of course!

But not about anything in your perfect little life.

But not as cool as Jeremy, right?

But of course I have the rings.

But on the bright side, my kids sure are happy

But on the other, the less fortunate probably get

But only because you closed

But people get crazy about material possessions

But tags are on it, so, oh, yes, okay

But that bitch, she won't keep her dress on.

But then I learned what commission is,

But then I... I immediately repress it.

But then my biggest strength is that I always get it back.

But then you're gonna want to swab the decks

But then, Ben wrote in her high school yearbook...

But they will be someday

But they're going to fire me for this in a second.

But they're still really good friends.

But this is just a fantasy of mine.

But this party is a seven.

But today you're rocking positive vibes.

But we don't say that to everybody.

But we got a big ol' cleaning disaster.

But we'll see what they to say, okay?

But when she does, we save on electricity

But who needs phones when you get Val?

But you can't afford me because you don't work.

But you don't blow your orgasm,

But you have now confirmed that you are a porn star.

But you just gave her a buck.

But you know what? We need to be present.

But you're not.

But, Abbi, hashtag get clean.

But, I feel like you're the one who really, really gets me.

But, no, we're just strategizing...

But, wait... why? Wait, why?

But, yeah, I know, I feel sad about it, too.

But, you know what, today is a new day.

Buy me that, Abbi!

Buy me that, Abbi.

Buying counterfeit bags is illegal.

By plowing it like a queen?

By the fire extinguisher, too.

By the powers vested in me by the state of New York,

By the way...

Bye bye, balloons.

Bye, Abbi, I'll see you when you wake up.

Bye, mommy

Bye, you guys. See you guys.

California, I can tell.

Call it a day.

Call me when you're done, I guess.

Called "the spicy spice,"

Calm d... you need to calm down.

Can I ask you, do you live in New York

Can I get a buck?

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Can I wear my American flag tie, or would that be too gauche?

Can Jaimé capture the complexity

Can make in a class like this?

Can we go home now?

Can we just begin this again?

Can we try that again without you guys yelling?

Can you explain yourself?

Can you just go talk girl stuff to her?

Can you please come down here?

Can you please spare a dollar?

Can you take your shoes off?

Can't get back in the game.

Can't get enough.

Can't the gym just pay for it?

Captain Morgan...

Celebrity's favourite foods.

Cha chinga!

Challah back, y'all

Challah back, y'all.

Challenge accepted.

Charlie.

Check it.

Check these out.

Check your search history.

Chihuahuas' hearts always race.

Chill out!

Chill out.

Chomp, chomp, chomp, swallow, swallow, swallow.

Chris Rock is killing all the werewolves,

Chrissy, did you not call...

Christina moved out?

Chug chug chug chug.

Clap if you understand.

Classic apothecary bag?

Classic Val.

Clearly, I'm gonna be late to pick up my spread

Closer to our apartment, closer to my apartment.

Clothes.

Coat check.

Cocaine and incest, baby.

Cold paws is a very serious disease

Cold paws, cold feet, you get why I...

College?

Combined all the weed remnants

Come on out here and talk to us

Come on, (Bleep)hole! Ball sack!

Come on, Abbi, do it with him.

Come on, Abbi!

Come on, be more specific.

Come on, boy, that's her scent.

Come on, come on!

Come on, come on.

Come on, don't ruin cornichons for me.

Come on, dude, I thought we were cool.

Come on, give it up for Andy!

Come on, here we go.

Come on, it's... I wanna hear it.

Come on, let's get some stuff.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, New York!

Come on, we can do this.

Come on, what's happening?

Come on, yeah, move those arms,

Come on, yes.

Come on!

Come on! Come on, dude!

Come on! Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Well...

Come through?

Completely outside of my apartment.

Congrats.

Congrats.

Congratulations, spool stick.

Cool mode.

Cool, cool, cool.

Cool, thanks.

Cool!

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool... Just switch to wifi.

Could it still be back there?

Could we turn off the lights maybe?

Could you, uh, wait over there?

Count backwards.

Couple of Madonnas, huh?

Created many jobs.

Cut or uncut?

Cut.

Cute. I'm into it.

Damn it!

Damn, this neighborhood is changing.

Dark chocolate chip?

Deep Judy discovery.

Denises the penises.

Dick, bitch.

Did I?

Did you bring any more almond milk?

Did you give it any more thought?

Did you guys...

Did you have an accident or something?

Did you just leave?

Did you just say "Narnia of partias"?

Did you just steal something from these girls?

Did you mess up my plans once again

Did you or did you not..

Did you print this yourself?

Did you seriously think that you were just gonna stick that

Different colors, different shapes, different sizes.

Divorced, still good friends.

Do "Dear Uncle".

Do anything.

Do I have, like, a long butt hair?

Do I look like the son of a quarterback?

Do I need to keep going?

Do it, you can do this.

Do not play me, guys!

Do that again.

Do the ending, do the climax.

Do we have the same exact tattoo?

Do we have to keep doing this?

Do you ever straighten your hair, though?

Do you ever, um, get hair from your head

Do you guys know that, that play "rent"?

Do you have a webcam?

Do you know if your brother's wearing a tie

Do you know someone you could call to make the call?

Do you know which old person it is?

Do you know who it is?

Do you know?

Do you not talk to Lincoln?

Do you put your pubes somewhere?

Do you recycle?

Do you think you could give me his new address?

Do you want a kiss?

Do you want any popcorn?

Do you want to maybe switch?

Do you work on commission?

Do you, Poppi, take Atticus

Do you?

Does that answer your question?

Does this mean that you'd be moving out?

Doesn't feel so good, does it?

Doesn't she look gorgeous?

Don't be mad, please.

Don't even, I'm pretty sure I got you.

Don't forget to wear a condom, Abbi.

Don't get him a slice again.

Don't get too sloppy.

Don't I look like a giant?

Don't like most of it.

Don't put 'em on the filthy floor!

Don't touch it!

Don't worry... Lincoln, nothing matters.

Don't you ever call anybody else that!

Don't you see?

Don't you yell at me!

Don't!