Deadpool (2016) Edit

A heavily armed child.

A hush falls over the crowd

A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something.

A multi car collision turned shots fired

A red suit. A red suit.

A Yogurtland rewards card?

About the size of a KFC spork.

About to stand in front of a girl...

Absolutely not. It got lost in translation.

Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum...

After a brief adjustment period...

After all this, you can't fix me?

Ah, and I share that home with someone you've met,

Ah, bullshit!

Ah, deep breath, darling.

Ah, Dopinder.

Ah, I can't believe I'm doing this.

Ah, made you look.

Ah, my welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like...

Ah, this must be Vanessa.

Ah, this must be Vanessa.

Ah, yes. Gita.

Ah, you weak motherfucker!

Ah!

Ah! Damn it!

Aha!

Al?

All in good time.

All right, Kahlua, Baileys and...

All right, move. Move, move, move.

All right, then. Fire!

All right. Okay.

All right. Yeah, just... Ow.

All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex.

All the way through Z.

All things I can live without.

All year?

All you need now is a suit and a nickname...

Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain.

Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?

Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel.

And a bunch of drinks...

And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool!

And a low fat dessert.

And auction you off to the highest bidder.

And by we, I mean you.

And fuck the brain hole.

And Gail, she still fixing that tuna casserole?

And he just wasn't having it.

And he's gone. Poof!

And I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now.

And I got an offer that you can't refuse.

And I hope you're watching...

And I think she's in love with me.

And I will take the pencil eraser.

And I'm after someone on my naughty list.

And I'm gonna boom box Careless Whisper outside your window.

And let me tell you,

And little Meghan, she's not made of money,

And manifest in a spectacular fashion.

And never let go.

And now you spend your days

And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for.

And personally sees to four

And please don't make the super suit green.

And prevent this shit from happening to someone else.

And tell her...

And tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay.

And that was the only catharsis

And that's where we'll leave you.

And the doctor says, Four, three, two...

And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug...

And then dying. Like the city of Detroit.

And then, win Gita back...

And there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany.

And this one.

And to tell it right...

And under no circumstances will I take you to that show.

And wave you out the door?

And we all know how this turned out.

And what about next month's shipment?

And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?

And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of?

And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked...

And yeah, technically, this is a murder.

And you are?

And you can erase stuff...

And you will learn in the worst of ways

And you, chicken noodle...

And your Bernadette, and your me.

And your right leg is Christmas...

And your right leg is Christmas...

And, in fact, I no longer feel anything.

And, uh, we're like two jigsaw pieces,

Anyhoo, tell me something...

Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity.

Anyway, big secret. Shh...

Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and, oh...

Apparently, I made you immortal.

Are you here for the turndown service, or what?

Are you sure?

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

Aren't you a little strong for a lady?

As a sandpaper dildo.

As rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson...

Assembling the Borje, but this is holding my interest.

Asshole!

At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool.

At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.

Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want.

Bactin?

Bad Deadpool.

Bad guys to kill.

Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville,

Balls in holes.

Balls in holes.

Ban who?

Bandhu?

Be a hero.

Be a superhero.

Because I want to.

Because I'm constantly stalking that fox.

Because it sounds suspiciously made up.

Because you look like Freddy Krueger

Because you're not going anywhere.

Bernadette is not going anywhere,

Besides luring children into a panel van.

Besides, I just realized something.

Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.

Better find her fast before numbnuts does.

Blind to life's imperfections.

Bob?

Boothe got hit then went down.

Boothe! Oh!

Boothe.

Breakfast is most important meal of day.

Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes.

Brownie mix and clown porn.

Buck, go rest.

Buck, you best apologize before...

Buck! Liefeld...

Bump fuzzies for money?

Buried somewhere in the apartment...

But at least fuckface won't heal from that.

But Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me.

But he'd rather act like a child.

But he's bad for business.

But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret.

But I knew there was only one way that I could save hers.

But I'm a... A stalker.

But I've grown blunt.

But if I ever hit fuck it, I'll look you up.

But it could be anybody.

But it does rhyme with Polverine.

But lucky for her...

But not a good one, like Slap Chop.

But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me.

But red looks good on you.

But some of the best love stories start with a murder.

But the douchebag does thinks you're dead, right?

But there was only one thing...

But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do.

But what it does to the people you love.

But you can rent it for three minutes.

But you did, asshole!

But you're a fighter. Special Forces.

But you're no lady.

But your 48 minutes are up.

But your mood's never gonna brighten

But, baby, the guy under this mask,

Can I help you ladies?

Can we go?

Can we trade names?

Canada!

Captain Deadpool...

Catching him was my only chance

Cease fire!

Cease fire!

Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer?

Climb on!

Cock juggling...

Cock shot!

Cock shot.

Colossus, wait up.

Come here, you fat fuck!

Come here.

Come on, get it together.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad.

Come on, Wade. Language.

Come on!

Coming together to form one super robot.

Coming together to form one super robot.

Commando!

Con: They're all lame ass teacher's pets.

Consider joining his boy band.

Cool?

Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren...

Cuddle?

Cue the music.

Daddy left before I was born.

Daddy left before I was conceived.

Damn straight.

Dangerous, and wearing...

Dead or alive, you're coming with me!

Dead pool.

Deadpool may try to break yours.

Deadpool.

Deadpool.

Deal.

Did I leave the stove on?

Did I say this was a love story?

Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?

Ding ding.

Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky?

Do you have off switch?

Do you like what you see?

Does he write you notes too?

Domestic, nothing imported.

Don't hesitate to call me.

Don't make me ask twice.

Don't worry, baby...

Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.

Dopinder, I'm starting to think

Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back!

Dopinder. Hmm?

Downside of being blind...

Drink.

Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle like.

Each more painful than the last...

Easy, Angel.

Easy, man. Hold up! Hold up!

Easy.

Either that or slap the bitch outta you!

El Cancer. Oh.

Empire.

Ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!

Especially from this angle.

Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?

Every night we spoon for warmth.

Every time I see her, it's like the first time...

Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest.

Everyone thinks it's a full time job.

Everything else falls away.

Except she's old, and black, and blind.

Except we knock out the teeth and take the cash.

Excuse me. Whoo!

F, R, A, N, C, I...

Face fucked a topographical map of Utah.

Finally, giving Meredith Baxter Birney a Dutch oven.

Find Francis. Star in horror films.

Find it! Find it. What?

Fine.

Fine. Fists.

Finish fucking her the fuck up!

Five mini lion bots? Three minutes.

Floor space, dental floss, even condoms.

Followed by mean comments, followed by more silences.

For a second there,

For everything, I'm sorry for leaving...

For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress.

For the next four moments.

For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable.

For you? 10.

Found out who our friend in the red suit is.

Four or five moments, that's all it takes.

Four or five moments.

Fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break.

Francis!

Francis?

Francis...

Fuck it. I got this.

Fuck me!

Fuck, you're old.

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! Hey, um...

Fuck. Fuck!

Fucking hell.

Fucking mutant.

Fucking Wade Wilson.

Fully loaded.

FYI, five mini lion bots come together

FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount.

Get it through your head or get out of fuck town.

Get out of here. Go make yourself useful!

Get out of the way!

Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu.

Give it up for Chastity!

Go get her, tiger.

Go get Silver Balls.

Go to work a hero.

Go, go, go.

Go. Go.

God damn it!

God, come here, you.

God, he's so fucking gnarly.

God, if I had a nickel for every time

Good one.

Got it? Yeah.

Gotcha.

Gridlock has kept police from the scene.

Ha!

Had my eye on this sucker for a while.

Had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.

Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.

Hang in there, baby!

Happy Chinese New Year.

Happy Halloween.

Happy Lent.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Has agreed to do me this solid.

Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II.

Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?

He ain't the same one that you remember.

He can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?

He can't.

He got Ajax from the dish soap.

He is as dishonorable as he is attractive.

He made me ask twice.

He wore the brown pants.

He's all yours.

He's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.

He's got my girl.

He's pure evil.

He's such a romantic.

Heads up.

Here we go.

Here, check it out.

Here? Now? Just kidding.

Here. This is Vanessa.

Here's what I'm actually gonna do.

Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right?

Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham.

Hey, douche pool!

Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap!

Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this?

Hey, is Ajax your actual name?

Hey, think you could fuck up my step dad?

Hey, uh, they've made three of those movies.

Hey, Wade!

Hey, wait!

Hey, what can I get for, uh, $275 and a...

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hands off the merchandise.

Hey. Sorry.

High enough to trigger a mutation.

Hip deep in hookers.

His drink's on him.

His form looks good.

Hmm, it's bad.

Hmm, nice.

Hmm.

Hmm. She is quite lovely.

Hop in! Great day for a ride.

Hopefully you, later tonight?

House blowing up builds character.

How about a crisp high five?

How about now?

How about three shots of Patron?

How can I help you?

How do you know she's in here?

How long can you keep this up?

How tough can he be...

How's that Kullen coming along?

Huh.

I bet it feels huge in this hand.

I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad!

I can tell you exactly...

I can't even tell you...

I can't tell you,

I could cure them...

I deserved that. That, too.

I did not tell him to do that.

I did!

I didn't even know sleep.

I didn't just get the cure to el cancer...

I didn't just get the cure to el cancer...

I didn't know what to do. I was so scared.

I didn't order the pizza.

I do.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched.

I don't know the name.

I don't know. Might further the plot.

I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat.

I don't wanna see that or think of it again.

I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter

I encourage distractions.

I feel just like a little girl.

I forgot my ammo bag.

I get it.

I get why you're so pissy...

I give you a Blow Job.

I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.

I got a soft spot.

I got it, Weas. Thanks.

I gotta take you back to long before

I had a Liam Neeson nightmare.

I hear everything in this duplex.

I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade.

I heard you might be able to point me

I heard you might be able to point me

I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve.

I just realized I'm never gonna win the, uh...

I just wanna get to know the real you, you know.

I knew it was you.

I know it's been decades.

I like a challenge.

I love you, Wade Wilson.

I love you.

I love you.

I manage this workshop.

I mean, if you could die.

I mean, that's why I brought her?

I mean, the line gets real... blurry.

I need all the guns!

I need guns.

I never win anything.

I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish,

I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!

I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet...

I sense clowns.

I should have come and found you sooner.

I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.

I squeezed this ass into red spandex.

I suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a face like that.

I suppose we will.

I swear to God, I will find you in the next life...

I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways

I think we owe him that one, yeah?

I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.

I told Howie, I told him that...

I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Borje.

I tried the hero business and it left a mark.

I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

I want you to remember me.

I was a patient here once myself, you know.

I was gonna spend the night

I was molested.

I was traveling to exotic places...

I was way worse than him when I was his age.

I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them.

I watched my own birthday party

I will shoot your fucking cat!

I wish I never heard of Craigslist.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

I... God, I hope not. Um...

I... I never carry a wallet when I'm working.

I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal.

I'd hit that.

I'd love a Blow Job.

I'd rather be anywhere than here.

I'd really like to light a spliff

I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request.

I'll take the footlong...

I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus.

I'm actually quite jealous.

I'm all about long sullen silences...

I'm calling wang.

I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way...

I'm gonna get angry. Okay. All right.

I'm gonna wait out here, okay?

I'm here for you.

I'm injecting you with a serum...

I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.

I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp.

I'm looking for Francis!

I'm not here for him.

I'm not the same underneath this suit, either.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough go.

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry. Breathe through the nose.

I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money.

I'm sure they're all FDA approved.

I'm sure.

I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug.

I'm thinking pork and beans.

I'm touching myself tonight.

I'm working on it.

I'mma get you out of that shit box.

I've been trying to tell you assholes,

I've been waiting one year, three weeks...

I've cured you, Wade.

I've heard so much about you.

I've merely raised your stress levels

I've never said this, but don't swallow.

I've seen this girl.

Ideally, for others' sake.

If I never see you again,

If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you...

If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well...

If wearing superhero tights...

If you could see me, you'd understand.

If you know what I'm talking about.

If your brainwaves slow,

If your heart rate slows...

IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know.

In case the other fell off.

In exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle...

In exchange, I said that I would

In five minutes!

In my case, it enhanced my reflexes.

In new and different ways,

In the direction of a, um, friend of mine.

In the meantime,

In the meantime,

In the most colossal way.

Into men of extraordinary abilities.

Is a sense of humor.

Is Francis?

Is it burnt crust?

Is it more sexist to not hit you?

Is it sexist to hit you?

Is sweet dick kicking revenge.

Is that what you think?

Is that you can't really step it up from there.

Is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory.

Is the mask muffling my voice?

Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?

Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant?

Isn't that what superheroes do?

It felt like we were three mini lion robots...

It made Angel inhumanly strong.

It smells like old lady pants in here.

It sounds even stupider when you say it.

It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags,

It's a face...

It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself...

It's a total dick move.

It's an improvement on the Hurdal.

It's because he's earned it.

It's been bothering me for a long time.

It's been rough couple of years.

It's important not to do anything rash.

It's like a job fair for mercenaries.

It's like he mouth sexed a can of helium.

It's like I made you in a computer.

It's my job. Recruitment.

It's over. Go home.

It's time to put balls in holes.

It's to wash the taste out.

It's tough to forget being so impressive.

Jacksonville. Fridays. Since TGI Fridays.

Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa.

Jiminy! Fuck face!

Join us. Use your powers for good.

Just a little light stalking.

Just Deadpool, yeah. Just Deadpool.

Just give us a second. Yeah.

Just promise you'll do right by me.

Just promise...

Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke.

Just take it slow.

Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...

Kidnap her.

Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram.

Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy!

Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing...

Leave a message and have a happy day.

Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh...

Let me guess.

Let us go talk to the Professor.

Let's count them down.

Let's dance.

Let's just say it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Let's not forget naked tandem base jumping

Let's recap.

Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.

Let's see. All right, wee break.

Let's try to kill each other.

Life is an endless series of train wrecks...

Like a Band Aid, just give it a...

Like a cockroach...

Like a jigsaw puzzle.

Like a testicle with teeth.

Like it's the first time I'm seeing it.

Like the kind of stupid who admits

Like the kind where your year long plan

Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. Okay, enough.

Like Wade the Wisecracker...

Like you've been pitching, not catching.

Like, a Yakov Smirnoff opening for the

Listen, I've been thinking...

Little secret, Wade.

Local dry cleaning discounts.

Look at his face.

Look away, child.

Look how happy you look here.

Look, Colossus, I don't have time for

Look, would it help if I slow it down for you?

Look! I'm a teenage girl.

Looking good, Francis. Well rested.

Looks are everything.

Looks aren't everything.

Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King.

Lower the oxygen concentration in the air...

Lucrative film deals, both origin stories

Lungs, prostate, and brain.

M'lady?

Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point.

Make sure that gets back to Ms...

Making banana pancakes for my kids.

Maximum effort.

Maximum effort.

Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.

McAvoy or Stewart?

Me and you are headed to fix this butterface.

Me too. Uncle.

Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face.

Means sparing psychopaths...

Merchandise? Huh...

Merry Christmas.

Mind if I keep this? Put it up,

Mitch? The Rickster?

Mmm... Meghan?

Moments when you're offered a choice.

More Shake Weight y.

Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend.

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker.

Motherfucking...

Move it! Keep moving.

Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.

Mr. Wilson?

Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson...

Must be good with hands.

My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie...

My first request is warmer hands.

My old boyfriend, he's dead.

My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk.

Nah, nah... Come on. Let's go. Cough it up.

Name of Wade Wilson.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

Negasonic Teenage... What the shit?

Negasonic! Come, we have mission.

Never heard that before.

New drugs are being developed every day.

Nice try, Wade.

No no no no. That I ain't!

No one is boom boxing shit. Okay?

No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine.

No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty...

No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty...

No, it's a horror movie.

No, no time.

No, no, no. Wham!

No, no. All right. Hey!

No, no. It's okay.

No, you know that bad guy that you let go?

No!

No! Please!

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. No. No.

No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter Birney.

No. Trainee.

Nobody wins today.

Nope. Never will be.

Not because I need to.

Not everyone monitors a hall like you.

Not gently. Like it was hate fucking.

Not if there's nothing left of him to heal.

Not often a dude ruins your face...

Not out of the woods yet.

Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl.

Not the ghost of Christmas me.

Not the short shorted, two dimensional

Nothing compares to you.

Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's.

Now it's 89. About to be 90.

Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer.

Now there's a brave face.

Now there's a brave face.

Now this little piggy went to...

Now, breaking news.

Now, I may not feel, but he does.

Now, I'm about to do to you

Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade.

Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out.

Nowhere.

Of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?

Of course.

Of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate looking motherfucker...

Of your five shittiest moments.

Off the Olympic torch.

Off you go.

Oh, and I thought you guys were dicks before.

Oh, come on.

Oh, God, me too.

Oh, God! I'm so sorry!

Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas.

Oh, hello. I know, right?

Oh, I do hope so.

Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.

Oh, I'm gonna rip his motherfucking...

Oh, I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya.

Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since...

Oh, my God! That was so...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Wade?

Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's...

Oh, no, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, Star Wars jokes.

Oh, that must hurt.

Oh, there's the money shot, baby.

Oh, um...

Oh, wait.

Oh, well.

Oh, you never left.

Oh, you smell like shit.

Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2.

Oh, your poor wife.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! And, Jesus, a warmer table.

Oh! Giving him the business.

Oh! So comfy.

Oh! You little spider monkey!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. And that's why we do it. But mostly the money.

Oh. But, uh,

Oh. Down, down, down.

Oh. Fuck you, Wade.

Oh...