Mars Attacks! (1996) Edit

A date?

A fleet of vehicles, which can best be described as...

A powerful memory is in the making.

A silver ramp is coming out...

Absolutely, sir.

Adios.

Ah. Getting more comfortable, I see.

Ahem. But seriously, this is tremendously exciting.

Ahh....

Aim. Fire.

Aim. Fire.

All green of skin...

All right, let's go.

All right.

All this greed. This money system.

An advanced civilization is, by definition, not barbaric.

And I personally guarantee...

And I want a cop on every corner.

And if you think you can make a nickel in this town...

And it's so perfect...

And let me make it clear:

And of course down here we have the aorta. Up here we have the sphinx.

And our world will never feel quite the same again.

And rest assured that, working together...

And soon...

And the news that I have heard today...

And then the Martians heard our global karmic cry for help.

And top it off with a bottle of Dom on ice.

And we have the United States Army...

And we must be open to it.

And we've negotiated a settlement.

And whoever lives and believes in me shall never die.

Annihilate. Kill! Kill! Kill!

Are they a friendly people?

Are they too old fashioned? Yes.

Are you out of your mind? I'm not going to start a war.

Are you positive this thing is gonna work?

As soon as I get back to the base.

Assholes. Why did I listen to them? I should have stayed in the hotel.

Barbara, can I have the gun back, please? Barbara, give me the gun and come on!

Be careful, boy.

Be mine

Because if you were...

Because you're cooking up a feast.

Billy Glenn Norris gave his life defending our country.

Budget negotiations may be dead in the water after this week.

Bullshit! The airfield's over there!

But could we get that gum out of your mouth?

But didn't I always tell you, honey...

But I can get Leon Spinks or Buster Douglas for the same money, maybe less.

But I was thinking, maybe instead of houses, we could live in tepees...

But I'm worried about tomorrow.

But when I see you hanging about With anyone

Bye bye, honey.

Bye bye.

Bye bye.

Bye.

Byron Williams, telephone.

Byron Williams...

Byron, there's Martians everywhere.

Byron? Byron. Do you know anyone who can fly a plane?

Byron. Is everything all right? You still coming tomorrow?

Call me Nathalie.

Can we do interviews?

Can we go this way?

Can you speak up? We can't hear you.

Can't expect the same luck twice.

Cedric. Neville.

Come here.

Come here.

Come on down, Mr. Ambassador.

Come on, get in.

Come on, kid, I'm not that old.

Come on. Come on. Papa needs a new pair of shoes.

Coming out of commercial.

Curiosity? Or is it something more?

Daddy!

Darling, we got plumb lucky with Billy Glenn.

Did any one of you traitors see my Muffy?

Didn't I tell you this would happen?

Do the Martians have two sexes, like we do?

Do you got a girlfriend?

Do you have to drink in front of me?

Don't forget, Nathalie...

Don't run, we are your friends.

Don't run. We are your friends.

Don't run. We are your friends.

Don't you realize what you're doing? Destroying the Earth.

Earth...

Ethel, that reminds me.

Everybody wants to be a part of this.

Everything is fixed now, general. You may speak.

Exactly.

Excellent, sir. I have prepared the order.

Excuse me, folks, but we gotta make an unscheduled stop.

Excuse me. But you said you wanted to know...

Extraterrestrial life.

Feels good, don't it?

Fire.

Florence Norris...

For dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

For many years, I've been refining a translating computer.

For some picky reason, the Secret Service don't want the executive branch...

Frame enlargements provide an astonishing sight.

Funny little critters, ain't they?

Galaxy's gonna be the best hotel in Vegas.

Galaxy's gonna be world class.

Gee whiz.

General Casey, do you have an opinion?

General Casey.

General Casey...

General Decker, if you do not shut up...

General Decker, it seems I owe you an apology.

General, they're sending coordinates.

Gentlemen.

Get down!

Get out! Get out!

Get to a certain age, opportunities dry up.

Get your butt on the bus. Get on that bus, boy.

Girls, get out! Get out!

Give them room. That's it. Give them room.

Glad they got it somewhere.

Go get it started. Barbara, go with him.

Go on over to the roulette...

Go, go!

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

Good morning. It's nice to see you all again.

Good night...

Good, but keep a lid on it.

Good.

Goodbye, my darling. I wish things could've been different.

Goodbye, Thomas.

Grandma, are you okay?

Grandma, I bet you never thought you'd live to see the Martians coming to Earth.

Grandma, I'm Richie.

Greetings. I am General Casey...

Greetings. I am the Martian ambassador.

Guess it wasn't the dove.

Guys, come on. Give me a break. Go on in there and start cleaning your room.

Hair looks good.

He did say that...

He did that well.

He just copped a feel.

He must be real smart.

He says it's important.

He's interrupting everybody.

He's the chairman of the American Academy of Astronautics.

Heh. I'm glad somebody did.

Hello, Barbara.

Hello, gentlemen.

Hello, Maurice.

Hello? Hello, operator? Operator, this is an emergency!

Help! Please!

Here.

Hey, am I the only one shooting craps here?

Hey, are you still cool on me coming to Washington?

Hey, Grandma, you gonna be okay?

Hey, howdy there, Mr. Lee.

Hey, I saw you fight in Cardiff, Wales once.

Hey, Mitch, it's me. Can you let me in?

Hey, this Martian thing is pretty awesome, huh?

Hey, we all make mistakes, Mr. President.

Hey, what's that?

Hey!

Hey! Cut it out!

Hey. Hey, just because you're dressed like King Tut...

Hey. This is work, baby, okay?

Hi there. Are you interested in the White House?

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Jason!

Hi.

Hi. Hi there.

Highly concentrated.

Ho! Shh! Shh.

Holy mother of God.

How do, Byron?

How it started. Where it's going.

How's my lady doing?

I am an alcoholic, but I haven't had a drink in three months.

I and all my colleagues are extremely excited.

I bet people were pretty scared when they invented the train.

I can smell it all the way from the interstate.

I can't do all this by myself. Please? Look at you.

I can't. It's busted.

I don't know what's going on anymore. This is frustrating.

I don't know, it's some sort of emergency announcement or something.

I don't think so.

I faced that demon. I don't want him coming out again.

I feel this is the perfect summation to the 20th century....

I got friends here.

I got friends here.

I got people coming in.

I got this chump, owes me a lot of money, needs a wake up call.

I got to go.

I gotta get to Washington.

I hardly think I need worry about that.

I have some good news for you. The Martian ambassador is here.

I heard that.

I honestly don't know, Nathalie.

I just have a few minutes for questions, so let's get started.

I know we're making the right decision.

I know, Thomas.

I know. Thomas. Ha ha ha.

I like him. I do.

I like that.

I like the hair.

I love you too, Byron.

I love you, baby.

I love you.

I mean, that's good, isn't it?

I need you to sign this.

I owe you one. I made a ton of money on your last fight in '73.

I prepared a speech. Is that all right?

I surrender.

I think it must be my music.

I think they've come to save us.

I thought perhaps the watered silk. And this week it's on sale.

I told him this was gonna happen. I even loaded a plane with supplies.

I wanna die

I want the Martians to be treated like foreign dignitaries.

I want to go to Tahoe, to the Tahoe caves. It's remote, the Martians won't find it.

I want to see Slim.

I want to see Slim...

I want your men alert and majestic...

I was there when first man...

I will be conferring with other world leaders as time goes on.

I work there. I'm the press secretary.

I would like for every limo to be stocked...

I'd be proud.

I'll be tripping all over you. Get back there.

I'll call you later, okay?

I'll draw them away. Now, go.

I'll wear my blue Cerruti suit. And, Jerry, I'll need a good speech.

I'm a lawyer.

I'm ambitious. There's a difference.

I'm checking the decor, the lighting, the traffic flow.

I'm feeling so optimistic because of the Martians.

I'm feeling so optimistic because of the Martians.

I'm gonna do you a favor, Byron.

I'm just not feeling myself. Nathalie, if only I could hold you in my arms.

I'm not gonna have that thing in my house.

I'm not gonna hurt you. Now, come here.

I'm sorry I have to call you at work.

I'm sorry, you can't come this way. There's a tour in progress.

I'm speaking to you in the hope...

I'm staying. I'll distract them.

I've always admired your show.

I've been trying to call you all day. The flight's been canceled.

I've changed, man.

If any of them Martians come around here...

If I'd known you'd turn into a crook, I never would have married you.

If the Martians land, will the press have access?

If you need anything, any doughnuts or anything...

In fact, it is often used by the president to receive guests.

Isn't that great?

Isn’t the universe big enough...

It ain't unusual

It doesn't help me that all we ever do is sit around in bars.

It frightened them.

It is an awesome sight.

It is an order to deploy our nuclear capability, sir.

It is furnished to represent the period of James Monroe.

It is furnished to represent the period of James Monroe.

It is profoundly moving to know there is intelligent life out there.

It's a full scale invasion. Mr. President, we're gonna need to get you to safety.

It's all yours, Ian.

It's for you.

It's Mama.

It's nice to see a new face.

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

It's not unusual to have fun with anyone

It's not unusual to see me cry

It's rough on jocks.

It's tremendously exciting.

Jason Stone, GNN, Pahrump.

Jason Stone.

Jason, hi, it's me.

Jerry...

Jesus Christ.

Jimmy. Aah! Jimmy.

Just because I feel like saying it, all right?

Just don't be touching none of my stuff while I'm gone.

Just five more minutes, Quinn.

Just like everybody else.

Just me!

Just think of all the crazy stuff you must have seen in your lifetime.

Keep your voice down.

Kessler?

Key media, good cross section of guests.

Kick the crap out of them.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Let go of him.

Let me take this.

Let's move it!

Liberals, intellectuals...

Listen, Hoss. I've been thinking about Martians when there wasn't no Martians.

Listen, this is big. President Dale is cutting into my show today.

Listen, you're doing the best you can.

Little people...

Logic dictates that given their extremely high level of technical development...

Look, you're worried about yesterday.

Look!

Lookit. You're intelligent beings.

Looks like you ain't got no wheels.

Louise, the casino manager's giving me the evil eye. I've gotta go.

Make it quick. We go out live in 10 minutes.

Many great men and women have passed through here.

Marsha?

Martians.

Martians.

Maurice, get out of the room. Get out now.

May God rest his soul.

May I ask you a question?

Maybe they can tell us about our universe.

Maybe they don't liking the human being.

Maybe we should all be destroyed.

Maybe you've heard of me?

Mm mwah.

Mm. Yes. Yes, of course you can, Nathalie.

Mother, this isn't your house.

Mr. Ambassador, please!

Mr. Ambassador. What are you doing? This doesn't make sense!

Mr. Land, excuse me, please.

Mr. Land. I believe

Mr. President, the president of France is on line two.

Mr. President, this is a great day.

Mr. President, we cannot sit on this.

Mr. President!

Mr. President.

Mr. President.

Music.

My fellow Americans...

My finger!

My God.

My graduation from Princeton...

My husband is the leader of the free world.

My last will and testament?

My name's Jerry Ross.

Nathalie, is that you?

Nathalie!

Nathalie?

Nathalie.

Nathalie.

Nice of you to come on such short notice.

Nitrogen.

No, I don't think so.

No, I gotta watch the floor. What do you want, Byron?

No, no, no. Not at all. No.

No, that ain't happening. That didn't happen.

No.

No.

No. Why you say that?

Not anymore.

Not just for me...

Not terribly good, I'm afraid.

Notice the highly developed cranial nerve system here.

Now stop wasting money. I'll see you tomorrow.

Now we're passing through here.

Now what?

Now, I suspect they have more to fear from us...

Now...

Oh, ain't she cute?

Oh, Art.

Oh, Christ. What's wrong with the picture?

Oh, Donald. I'm scared.

Oh, hello, Mr. Ross. Sure.

Oh, here's the president.

Oh, it's a hell of an honor.

Oh, look at that brain.

Oh, Louise.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Richie, why can't you be more like your brother?

Oh, that's your executive order authorizing full use of our nuclear deterrent, sir.

Oh, they want me to go interview that professor from the White House.

Oh, yeah. But it not coming from here.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, bye bye.

Okay, give me a couple.

Okay, let's do it.

Okay, okay, Barbara. Okay.

Okay, that's all I have to say. Thanks.

Okay. Now, just come here.

On behalf of the people of Earth, welcome.

One, our Martian friend is a carbon based life form.

Open fire!

Or is it simply to say, I was there?

Our love will come true

Our only conflict is whether we ambush the 6:00 news or hold out for prime time.

Our planet was suffering with the ozone and the rain forest...

Outstanding.

People say they're ugly...

Perhaps even its purpose.

Please come to Earth. Please.

Poppy, honey. No, sweetie.

Positively positive.

Pretty nifty, huh?

Professor, what do we know about them?

Professor...

Quiet.

Ready to transmit.

Really? You like my work?

Richie was always the best one.

Richie, didn't you ever have a pussycat of your own?

Richie, I think these guys are very sick.

Richie, that's six days ago.

Right, Poppy?

Screw the press. This is a need to know situation.

She's flirting with him.

She's halfway to outer space already. Here, lock and load.

Shit!

Shit.

Shut up, Poppy. Shut up.

Shut up.

Sir, Mr. President, I know this seems terrible...

So do I.

So here's the deal.

So how's about a drink?

So I guess, like, now we just have to...

So that means you're still going to school once in a while?

So that's a Martian.

So that's how it could breathe in our atmosphere.

So, what, in your view, Donald Kessler...

Some of them are over 100 miles deep.

Something's happened to Byron.

Sorry, ma'am. There's a tour going through here.

Statesman like...

Stop it!

Sure, Grandma.

Sure, that's very appropriate.

Sure. Of course I am.

Sweetie, we may have to. The people will expect me to meet with them.

Taffy, if you're going to be a pest, I'm going to ignore you.

Take it. Take it. Go on. It's a Rolex.

Thank you, honey. But don't you dare let this happen again.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, honey.

That is a portrait of James Monroe.

That means I offer my love

That's a Martian?

That's absurd. Why would he stoop to being on Today in Fashion?

That's my Muffy.

That's right. Shh. Good girl. Yeah?

That's what Billy Glenn would've done.

The boys haven't been home in two nights and I don't know what to do.

The data from the Hubble was decoded...

The first chance you get, you take off.

The giant spacecraft glinting...

The human race doesn't deserve to live.

The human race, on the other hand...

The images are undeniable.

The Martian ambassador feels terrible and asked permission to speak to Congress.

The Martian ambassador is gonna say a few words.

The Martian canals are actually canyons.

The Martian civilization has clearly developed...

The Martians have attacked.

The Nancy Reagan chandelier.

The new computer's ready, Mr. President.

The people are gonna love it, Mr. President.

The people are gonna love it.

The president is talking to other world leaders.

The president of France on line two.

The Quaker in Jamaica.

The results are not perfect...

The stress at work is...

The teeming masses have gathered from who knows how many states...

Their bodily fluids include the birth of half breeds.

Theodore, I simply do not feel that Lincoln....

There can be no doubt that we two peoples...

There is no way that we can lose.

There is nothing that we could not accomplish.

There it is.

There's Jason, Poppy.

They appear to be in a highly agitated state, Nathalie. And I don't know.

They blew up Congress.

They came in peace.

They don't know what the hell they're talking about.

They have our planet surrounded with thousands of warships.

They haven't seen us yet. Come here.

They're just at that age.

They're preparing a list of issues of common interest to discuss.

They're responding.

Think about it.

Think how strong we would be.

Think it's smart to cut school?

Think of it. The knowledge, new ideas. It's gonna change everything.

Think of the things that we could do.

This doesn't make sense. He should be talking to us.

This explains, of course, the cerebral arteries.

This has got the colors, but no. I don't think so.

This is a hell of a photo op, Jerry.

This is a momentous occasion.

This is a proud day for all Americans.

This is great.

This is great.

This is nuts, this is....

This is the most important thing to happen since Jesus walked in Galilee.

This is the president of the United States.

This pussycat is the most beautiful pussycat...

This show's gonna get a hell of a rating.

This...

Three, two, one, fire.

Today, an extraordinary discovery was made by the Hubble telescope.

Tom, Tom, can I have an autograph? Anybody got a pen?

Tom. Are you sure you can fly this?

Top of the line cars...

Two, he breathes nitrogen.

Uh oh.

Uh....

Very curious.

Wait a moment.

We all saw how they reacted to that dove.

We all saw how they reacted to that dove.

We are entering the dawn of a new era.

We call this the Kennedy Room.

We can get the public's opinion.

We can have it all...

We come in peace.

We come in peace.

We come in peace. We come in peace.

We don't want any slip ups.

We don't want it to turn into a zoo out there.

We have to nuke them. We have to nuke them now!

We have to strike now, sir.

We know they're extremely advanced technologically...

We must establish a line of communication first.

We need a welcome mat, not a row of tanks.

We need you.

We should hit these assholes with everything we got, sir.

We should hit these assholes with everything we got, sir.

We should make it top secret...

We should nuke them now, sir.

We used to have problems with that same kind of shit.

We will never, ever surrender!

We will never, never surrender.

We're a little nervous here, after what happened.

We're already at war, sir.

We're lost. He led us down a maze. I'm going back to the hotel.

We're not alone in the universe.

We've always been fight fans, haven't we, sisters?

Well, he'll be all right.

Well, he's gone for a while.

Well, I am, but I still have to take care of them.

Well, I can't help it if your people are too slow.

Well, I mean, that depends.

Well, I want to say that there's a lot of people in the world...

Well, I'm first to the game.

Well, not really, Nathalie...

Well, sir, do we know they're hostile?

Well, then go to 1. Go to 4.

Well, they're not gonna eat off the Van Buren china.

Well, where's the plane?

Well, you can't.

Well?

Were you flirting with me on the show?

What are you doing here? Huh? If you ain't home, why ain't you in class?

What are you guys gawking at? Get that president out of here!

What are you wasting this phone time for? We're gonna see you tomorrow.

What are you wasting this phone time for? We're gonna see you tomorrow.

What confounds me most of all, gentlemen, is the lack of genitalia.

What did they do that for?

What do you mean, do we know they're hostile?

What do you think, Taffy?

What I would like for you gentlemen to do...

What I'd like for you to do is...

What in the hell is that?

What is it?

What is that noise?

What is that? Barbecue?

What is wrong with you people?

What is your take on this, Jerry?

What the hell are you talking about?

What the hell does that mean?

What? The actual president? What do you mean, cutting in?

What's happening to them? What's killing them?

What's happening?

What's that noise?

What's that?

What's this?

What's this?

When I'm calling you

When the investors fly in...

When you're done...

Who put that on?

Whoa!

Whoa. He made the international sign of the doughnut.

Why are you doing this?

Why be enemies?

Why can't this crazy love

Why can't we work out our differences?

Why can't we work things out?

Why destroy...

Why did it have to be him?

Why don't you leave the Roosevelt Room the way the Roosevelts wanted it?

Why not set up a town hall?

Why you wanna come at me that way, Art?

Why, thank you.

Why?

Why....

Will you answer too

Will you answer too

Would you like that?

Yeah, but there's something I want to say to you.

Yeah, but there's something I want to say to you.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Yeah, I'm hip, I'm hip...

Yeah, Stone. Speak.

Yeah, tomorrow.

Yeah, what's that?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Well, I could be there at...

Yes, I get to greet the Martian ambassador.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I can have my troops there at 0800 hours, sir.

Yes?

Yes.

Yes. How are you feeling?

Yes. Very much.

You all right?

You be careful, baby, okay? Don't get yourself killed.

You belong to me

You bet.

You better get moving. You're on in five minutes.

You can't have Martians running all over Nevada!

You did. I'm so proud of you.

You don't have to kiss me if you don't want to.

You gave up pork.

You have nothing to fear from us.

You just try and stop me. That plane arrives at 4 p.m.

You know I'm trying to get back with my wife.

You know, the science guy.

You ladies have a nice time, all right? Thank you.

You mean they can read our thoughts?

You must be as excited as we...

You must be as excited as we...

You see, because we are human beings.

You take care, okay? Bye.

You think you can do anything you want.

You understand what that means? Surrender?

You want my watch?

You want to conquer the world, you're gonna need lawyers, right?

You wearing a bra?

You wouldn't believe the pressure of my job.

You'll find it happens All the time

You're an adult. Just cope.

You're destroying everything.

You're right, Jerry.

You're very graceful.

Your brother's gonna volunteer.

Daddy! Daddy!

Not vivid enough. Mm hm. Mm hm.

Yeah? Byron?

You're gonna flunk and go to jail. No.

quote, factually challenged. Griffin says....

Want a date? How about it?

we will have the opportunity to meet with them.

...and at their current course and speed.... Oh. Hey.

...ranks right up there. Thank you.

Are the kids there? Yeah, hold on.

Boy! Richie, come back here!

Byron Williams.... That's me. I gotta go.

Cindy. Get in the plane. What?

Come here. Come here. For what?

Come on, this way! Wait!

Doctor. Thank you, professor.

Donald Kessler? Yeah, I think that was his name.

Ha ha! Didn't I tell you under two minutes? You did.

He's going to throw them off. Yeah, but we can't leave him.

Hello? Byron! Byron!

Hey, Dad. Who's that? Neville?

Hey, Ma, you want a doughnut? How old are they?

Hey, Mitch. Good morning, miss.

Hey, Mitch. Good morning, miss.

Hey, that was a hell of a punch. You'd better get that gun.

How many centuries did he say? Eight hundred, sir.

I can't hear you! Byron!

I hope so. Army trains them good.

I love you. I love you too, Nathalie.

I mean, they like me around here. Byron, you're a nice guy.

I need a drink. You and me both, baby.

I saw you fight Sonny Liston in '69. Really?

I'm not leaving you. Just do it.

It's stuck. Cindy, over here.

Jason. Yeah, Jerry, thanks.

Mama, class was canceled. Class was not canceled.

Man, give it back. Leave me alone.

Martians blew up the shop. You're kidding me?

Me first. No, me.

Mrs. Dale? Yes?

Nancy had this in the library, didn't she? Yes, indeed.

Nice shot. Yeah, pity I was too late.

No, wait! Where are you going? Come on, Barbara.

No. I said, go!

No. No, Mama. It's dumb.

Oh, my God. Yikes.

Okay. Cindy, come with me.

Out of the question. Mr. Bava, I'm an asset to this hotel.

Potentially, yes. What about their intentions?

Really? They've issued a formal apology.

Should I get Grandma? Forget Grandma.

So long, bro. So long, retard.

Son, we're real proud of you. Thanks, Dad.

Stop flirting with the waitress. Oh, God. Here.

Stop flirting with the waitress. Oh, God. Here.

Sure, Dad. Take Grandma back to the home.

Sure. You got one? She has.

Thank you, Mitch. It's my job.

There you go. Thank you.

This way. No, this way.

Uh huh. Cool.

Volunteer for what, Billy Glenn? Martian detail.

Was that okay? Yeah.

We better get out. You know how to fly a plane?

We're going to the White House. You're going to the White House?

What are you doing? Do you? Do you? Huh? Huh?

What is it? It's NO2.

Where are they landing? Pahrump. It's in the Nevada desert.

Where you going? To go get Grandma.

Whoa. Hello.

Yeah, your husband, Art. No, he's dead.

Yeah? Hey, Barbara. Yeah?

You always get to the phone first. So what?

You always get to the phone first. So what?

You leave, you're disgracing a hero. I don't care. I'm gonna go get Grandma.

You mean, you were a nun back then? Oh, yes.

You think they'll fly to Washington, D.C.? Why? I wanna go to Tahoe.

You're right, general. Thank you, sir.

...800 centuries ago.

...all of them here to see you.

...all you gotta do is mosey on by the office and pick up the cash.

...and for helping save the world and everything.

...and God bless you all.

...and I was wondering if I could get a raise?

...and Mars...

...and move in right away with DEFCON 4.

...and Muffy and Richie.

...and so many people unhappy in their lives.

...and that ain't bad.

...and the legislative branch in the same room at the same time.

...and they're the ones that should be here now getting a medal.