The Nice Guys (2016) Edit

A car hit him. We need an ambulance.

A few people got hurt.

A guy burned up. It happens.

A guy without his balls.

A second instalment?

A Yoo hoo?

About this good most of the time.

According to her, her mother's single handedly

After I have a look at Sleeping Beauty.

Air.

Alive and well, Misty Mountains.

All right, all right, just back up a little bit.

All right, Mr. March. You have a good day, okay?

All right, so then your solution was you make a porn film.

All right, we got a plan.

All right, which one of you cock and balls wants to make 20 bucks, huh?

All right, you know, everybody, in the corner. Come on. (YELPS)

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Well...

All the bees are riding around in cars these days.

Already she's got herself a winner.

Also, I hope you didn't forget that you're supposed to be working today.

Amelia, Misty, Dean, Shattuck, all dead.

Amelia, right?

AMELIA: Hurry. I need my keys.

AMELIA: I don't know.

AMELIA: I need my keys. I need my car.

Amelia! Run!

Amelia?

Amelia? The old lady saw Amelia?

Amelia.

Amelia.

Amelia's boyfriend, Dean.

Amelia's gonna be very happy that you got the message so quickly.

And 10 minutes later the point is that there's two ways to look at something.

And Amelia splits and takes the film.

And don't take it easy on me just 'cause I'm your father.

And goes where?

And I reached for whatever came in a gallon and cost a buck fifty.

And I thought that you said you found her.

And if I'm not there to take care of it,

And it's over.

And nothing ever works out, is that what you're trying to say?

And now, back to America's favorite family, The Waltons.

And once it was out there, once it was in theaters,

And right then the guy dies.

And see if we can squeeze a second instalment out of her.

And she asks me to find her niece, Misty Mountains.

And she gave that copy to Misty.

And Sid Shattuck?

And that top number is today's date but reversed like the European way,

And that'll be the cops.

And the idea was that we were gonna, you know,

And the reality was we were getting our message out there.

And the wardrobe matches perfectly.

And then a few days later I walk in on them

And then former president, Richard Nixon, appears before him

And then he's gonna come for you.

And then my pals in the force said reach for the brass ring,

And then my wife died,

And they come across this car accident, right?

And they still should if they changed them.

And they're all doing anal and stuff.

And this is... It's not my only reason, but it is a principle reason.

And what does this have to do with the birds?

And when it's over, the only thing that's changed

And yeah, yeah, my statement contained nudity.

And you are?

And you are... Wait, I know you.

And you know why I wouldn't tell you?

And you?

And, Mr. Paulsen, glad to have you here.

And, uh, yeah, it cost the guy his life and his life's work.

And?

Answers to the call of the wild. (SIGHS)

Any chance she, uh, paid with a credit card?

Anyway, Nixon gets out, runs over to check on the guy,

Anyway, she's here. You should come over.

Anyways, I should probably get back to my book.

Are you a bad person?

Are you kidding?

Are you okay?

Are you the one who's been asking about Amelia?

Aren't they lucky?

As long as you get the results.

At least you're drinking again.

Bang!

Bang!

Bart has a plain towel.

BARTENDER: Yeah, I think I remember her.

Because she thinks her mother's going to have her killed.

Because she's the head of the Justice Department.

Because?

Because?

Become a P.I.

Bend a few rules maybe,

Big difference. But don't worry.

Big party. Mucky mucks. Loads of press.

Bingo. Yeah.

Boy, that Omar Sharif sure runs fast.

Bullshit's right. She's dead and then she's alive.

Burbank Airport. Western flight D.

Burbank Airport. Western flight D.

Burbank included.

But Dad, you know, he's got his nose thing,

But he's got money for pot and he drives a nice car.

But I only have the name and description for the one.

But I wanna know if I can trust you.

But I'll call you, you know, when we make the drop.

But if you got trouble with someone,

But interesting. Good to know.

But it's all right for you to fail your daughter?

But it's one of those bags.

But it's worth it,

But my mom, she's gonna say that's not enough.

But nobody believes me.

But there's no film, not anymore.

But this is actually a really serious matter.

But we're gonna bring down the people who did it.

But what did you do?

But you get paid.

But, no, it was here. The desk was here.

By now he's heard of you.

By the way, I'm supposed to meet someone here.

Bye.

Cadillac have brought their new El Dorado.

Can I go see my daughter now?

Can I take this?

Can you stay at one of your friends?

Combining velour, leather, wood paneling and an improved...

Come and see it, folks.

Come on, fish.

Come on, let's go down and see your dad.

Come on! Come down here!

Come on. Are you serious? Are you fucking serious?

Come with me. Come on, baby.

Consider it done.

Could try for an investigator's license.

Cover me.

Dad barely ever comes here. He feels guilty, I guess.

Dad, there's like whores here and stuff.

Dad, what are you doing?

Dead one. Porn star. Misty something.

Dean was a filmmaker. Um...

Detroit had her killed.

Did you actually witness him getting into the elevator?

Did you fall down the hill?

Did you get a name?

Did you kill him?

Did you move it?

Did you see a girl about 5'8, dark hair, named Amelia?

Did you see the TV?

Didn't I see you crawling round a vacant lot a couple of blocks over?

Didn't you hear me the first time?

Dinner? (LAUGHING)

Distributors.

Do I know you?

Do you by any chance know a girl named Amelia?

Do you even really know Amelia, Chet?

Do you have a clue what just happened?

Do you know that that suitcase that you gave us, somebody switched it out?

Do you know who they were? Do you know who sent them?

Do you mind if I have an apple?

Do you wanna see my dick? Unbelievable.

Do you want her to see you like this?

Does Tally have one of... Shall we have hers as well?

Does this mean... Does this mean that my niece is dead?

Don't even look at her, man.

Don't fucking move.

Don't get upset. I'm not here to hurt you.

Don't really put a fork in me.

Don't say, and stuff.

Don't stay up too late, all right?

Don't you know it's rude to eavesdrop?

Don't... Don't...

Done.

Dr. Malek, would you like a cookie? Just baked them.

DR. MALEK: Thank you.

Dr. Malek.

Drank bourbon martinis.

Drink?

Drive the fucking car!

Equanimity.

Even... No, even if this Amelia girl isn't my niece, she might know something.

Evening. What can I get you?

Ever since your little visit the other day, this little baby's gonna stay right here.

Every airport has an overflight curfew from 10:00 to 6:00,

Every car can do this.

Everybody worked on this Amelia flick, right?

Excuse me?

Experimental films, right?

Fags!

Fat fucking chance.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

First of all, I wanna say thank you.

For, uh, that car that we crashed.

Forget about it, all right?

Fred.

Fred's his name.

Free drinks. What do you have?

From last year, right?

Fuck it.

Fuck those guys.

Fuck you, man. We're dead!

Fuck you!

Fuck you. Come on, $600? That's fucking robbery.

Fuck, fuck.

Fuck!

Fuck! Motherfucker, my fucking hand!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fucking Chet.

Fucking damn it. Forget it. You know what? Turn around.

Fucking fascists! (GASPS)

Get down here!

Get in.

Get paid twice.

Get them.

Get... No!

Give me a second.

Giving the world luxury redefined.

Glass eye?

God damn it.

God, have you been living under a rock?

Goodbye.

Gosh.

Got a cool ad, though.

Got in the elevator right before you guys came in.

Gotta act like you're onto something, like you've been working hard.

Guys, listen.

Had Mademoiselle Blanche been in England before?

Hallelujah.

Hatrack.

Hatrack. Look at that.

Have a couple of cold ones on me?

He accepted her betrayal with equanimity.

He didn't make it.

He is supposed to be looking for my niece.

He just wanted to come along. I don't know why.

He kicks a few cases my way.

He likes my dad a lot, too.

He told me this one chick was his sister, right,

He'll stop doing it.

He's gone missing.

He's gone.

He's gone.

He's got a point there, Bumble.

He's inside resting.

He's lying there on the ground, staring up at the sky, near death,

He's not responsive.

He's not showing it to me.

He's on The Waltons.

He's probably still got it stashed somewhere.

Healy, stop! You don't have to kill him!

Healy, there's no one here.

Healy!

Healy!

Healy. Healy!

Hello?

Hello? Please! Hurry, hurry.

Hello.

Her aunt goes to her house to clean out the place, and lo and behold,

Her boyfriend died, like, really died, like, three days ago.

Here. You wanna use that?

Hey, aren't you that diner guy?

Hey, can we go one more game before...

Hey, can you ask this guy to behave like a professional?

Hey, Chet? Chet?

Hey, he'll give you $20 if you answer.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hold on.

Hey, hey, hey. No. Don't touch that.

Hey, hey. Oh, no! Hey!

Hey, hotshot, come on in here.

Hey, I shelled out 400 bucks for a detective.

Hey, kid.

Hey, kid. Kid.

Hey, man.

Hey, pal, what can I do you for?

Hey, that's where I know you from, right? The TV.

Hey, uh... Sorry.

Hey, you know, something's actually bugging me.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. (WHISTLES SLOWLY)

Hey. Hey, Chet.

Hey. Why didn't you watch my movie?

Hey. You want another drink?

Hi.

High profile case for you, right?

Hitler only had one ball.

Hmm.

Hmm. Memory gets a little foggy, you know.

Holland March home?

HOLLAND: (CLEARS THROAT) Look, if Amelia doesn't show, we still got Shattuck, right?

HOLLAND: And sometimes... Sometimes,

HOLLAND: And we already got our first case.

HOLLAND: Are you nervous at all?

HOLLAND: Deal. Great.

HOLLAND: Get down.

HOLLAND: Good point.

HOLLAND: He makes a strong argument, though.

HOLLAND: I fucked up.

HOLLAND: I love it.

HOLLAND: I wish I wished for things, man.

HOLLAND: I work in a cesspool. Sex. More sex.

HOLLAND: Look, I'm not saying it's easy.

HOLLAND: Oh, fuck it. Maybe they're right.

HOLLAND: Oh, God.

HOLLAND: Oh, would you just...

HOLLAND: Savage Sid, the porn king.

HOLLAND: So let me get this straight.

HOLLAND: The Western Hotel.

HOLLAND: Who is it?

HOLLAND: Yeah, we don't have friends.

HOLLAND: You have reached March Investigations.

HOLLAND: You know, I have neighbors.

Holly, go and see if you can flag somebody down.

Holly, go to Janet's this time.

Holly, what are you doing? Are you crazy?

Holly, what's the name of the guy on The Waltons that plays John Boy?

Holly, you can come in now.

HOLLY: Get away from me!

HOLLY: Guys, look.

HOLLY: I know how you do that.

HOLLY: You don't wanna call too soon.

Holy shit, you got her.

How do you get your hair to... It's magnificent.

How Do You Like My Car, Big Boy?

How do you like my car, Big boy?

How do you wanna do this?

How does that song go?

How long has he been missing?

How stupid do you think I am?

How'd you know my name was Buddy?

However, there are people trying to kill her, right?

Hurry.

I accept it, all right?

I acted.

I always hated that palm tree.

I believe he's making a connection between you and Adolf Hitler.

I can stay with Jessica, but...

I can't just leave.

I could be persuaded.

I didn't even get paid for it.

I didn't imagine it. I saw my Misty alive.

I didn't know it could do that.

I didn't know what time you'd get here.

I didn't plan to, I didn't, you know.

I didn't say that.

I don't have a job title, I'm not in the Yellow Pages,

I don't know what the fuck it means either.

I don't know. I say we wait a couple of days, call Kuttner

I don't know. I'm gonna ask him.

I don't know. Uh...

I don't think you should be watching this.

I don't wanna get into it right now.

I figure she's trying to skip town.

I forgot her name, but, you know, if you see you,

I found it very useful, actually. Okay, Janet?

I found Sid Shattuck's corpse, didn't I?

I found something hidden in the cabinet.

I found this in Shattuck's office.

I fucked up.

I got a friend, right?

I got a gun pointed directly at your daughter's spine.

I got a license to carry, motherfucker.

I got insurance.

I got it in the hallway. I thought it was hot.

I gotta know.

I guess I don't understand why we're not celebrating.

I guess it's easy to live in your world, right, where everyone sits in their place.

I guess. More like a nudie film.

I had to question the mermaids.

I hate you! (SIGHING)

I have no idea, Mr. March.

I heard.

I hit nails in halfway and stop.

I just did it.

I just wanna ask you a question.

I just wanna know who he did it with and get the pictures.

I know what you're gonna say, but since I'm already here,

I know, but I'm saying deep down.

I know, it's crazy.

I like her.

I like where your head's at, sweetheart.

I look after it for him.

I lost my gun.

I lost my sense of smell.

I love you.

I made a discretionary revelation.

I made a film with Dean, my boyfriend.

I made it myself.

I made this.

I mean, after tonight she's probably very scared.

I mean, can't we get to the next...

I mean, I grew up Irish.

I mean, she could die.

I mean, we just got paid.

I need to talk to you.

I need you to show us exactly what you saw.

I never should have taken your money in the first place.

I offered to show my dick 'cause I got a big dick.

I only know that Amelia's in danger.

I run the tape through and I think, Okay, maybe there was a girl there.

I said I was tracking the girl that you saw

I said I'd like to speak to Sid personally.

I saw her in her house through the front window as clear as day,

I saw her through the front window.

I think I'm invincible.

I think she did a film with Sid Shattuck.

I think she's involved in something shady maybe.

I think they went out through those doors.

I think this is gonna work better, faster, if we split up.

I think you have the wrong house.

I thought that's what you wanted.

I thought you'd wanna chip in for that.

I threw that little girl out the window.

I took that guy out.

I tried to tell you.

I understand that you're in town for the big show.

I understand, I get it, it's part of the job.

I used to fly all the time, but now the smog is just disgusting, man.

I wanna help.

I will.

I wish I did.

I work for the Department of Justice.

I would like to help you, but I just don't know anybody called Amelia.

I... There's someone out looking for me.

I'd say couldn't do it for less than $5,000.

I'll find the girl myself.

I'll send the family doctor.

I'll take a wire transfer. It's a Union Federal account.

I'll take you to her.

I'll tell you later. Don't worry about it.

I'm a cowboy.

I'm a detective and we have a code.

I'm Amelia's mother.

I'm an old friend.

I'm asking after a friend of ours, Amelia.

I'm dealing with an injury.

I'm friends with a cop, you know.

I'm gonna need you to drive.

I'm gonna pull over up here.

I'm here with a representative of the Detroit Auto Manufacturers, Mr. Bergen Paulsen.

I'm just really tired, you know.

I'm kinda getting the idea that, you know, you might not have much choice.

I'm no scientist, but that's been my process with corn for years.

I'm not buying this nice guy act, pal.

I'm not even looking for Amelia.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

I'm not saying you don't gotta think on your feet,

I'm off the clock.

I'm sorry, guys.

I'm sorry. Duck.

I'm sorry. The diner guy?

I'm sure I don't know, ma'am.

I'm very sorry about that.

I've been listening to everything you said.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

I've just been really scared, but, um, you make me feel safe.

I've only got $400.

I've seen that jacket, sure, yeah.

If I don't, we won't get to live in such a nice house.

If you wanted to get a story out there, right?

If you'll follow me, my boss would like a word. Please.

In a hurry. Thanks, buddy.

In addition to the most distinctive styling,

In Detroit, yeah. Three times.

In other news, a police spokesman says he has not ruled out foul play

In Shattuck's office.

In there.

Is that a fact?

Is that a shirt?

Is that so?

Is that the number you got for Sid Shattuck?

Is that the sun went down twice.

It is a great time.

It scared me kinda.

It was stupid, really.

It was stupid, really.

It was the best day of my life.

It was very slippery up there, okay?

It's a Munich.

It's a nice dress.

It's all right.

It's called, Shut up unless you're me.

It's gonna make her smile. That's good.

It's here. Just pull over.

It's just Fred's never been gone this long before.

It's just this pollution is out of control.

It's like a hallowed, time honored detective ploy, right?

It's me he for Yoo hoo! Thanks again.

It's not common you find such nice people in the world.

It's not my nose that grows.

It's nuanced.

It's okay.

It's out there. The film exists.

It's probably flat, like apartment.

It's right here. On the left.

It's Sid Shattuck.

It's spliced into the middle of it, right in the other film. Go get it.

It's the killer bees.

It's the only thing that makes sense.

It's the same situation, just a vastly different point of view.

It's very fucking complicated.

It's very pretty.

It's wardrobe for the film.

It's wardrobe for the film.

It's what's in the story.

JACKSON: $400, that's all.

JACKSON: Congratulations, buddy.

JACKSON: Hey, look, one's a mistake.

JACKSON: I'm not saying I wasn't a little bastard.

JACKSON: It's just a bunch of cars.

JACKSON: It's not the sex.

JACKSON: Shit!

JACKSON: So I did something about it.

JACKSON: So what's this?

JACKSON: So, Amelia's note.

JACKSON: So, you know the old lady, right?

JACKSON: Sometimes I feel okay about things.

JACKSON: There's something wrong with kids today.

JACKSON: We probably shouldn't hit her if we want her to talk to us.

JACKSON: Yeah, write it down.

JACKSON: Yeah.

JACKSON: Your left arm. Give me your left arm. This one.

Jessica, dial 911.

Jessica, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Jessica, it's him. He's the guy.

JESSICA: Hold on. Um...

JESSICA: Yeah, I don't know...

JESSICA: Yeah, I know.

JESSICA: Yeah, sorry, Mr. March.

Jessica. I think she's awake.

Jessica's. We've gotta go to work.

Jesus Christ, are you kidding?

Jesus Christ! One at a time!

Jesus Christ.

Jesus tap dancing Christ!

Jesus!

Jesus!

John Boy. Oh, just something that Blueface mentioned, yeah.

John something.

Jonathan has a gay towel.

JUDITH: And I'm doing everything I can to stop it.

JUDITH: I need your help.

JUDITH: Okay.

JUDITH: The Vegas mob is trying to spread its porn operation to Hollywood Boulevard.

Just chill here, you know. She's gotta come back down.

Just drive.

Just following orders.

Just for a moment I felt useful.

Just hang on. We need to help him.

Just him and a few agents.

Just if you see, let me know and tell me my name.

Just in case you're not...

Just leave the girl alone.

Just say, Dad, there are whores here.

Just say, They're doing anal.

Just shut up! Shut up! Both of you.

Just take your hands off the wheel, man.

Just tell him you have a spiral fracture of the left radius.

Just tell them the exact amounts.

Just...

Kind of had their balls removed.

Kind of like experimental kinds of films. Um...

Kuttner paid us. Me.

Last week this old broad comes to me

Let's deal with the fucking rotting corpse.

Let's see what they have brought with them to the pool today.

Like make this experimental film, like an artistic film.

Like that. I hated that.

Lily Glenn. Two N's.

Lily sees it through that window.

Listen, dickweed, that little girl's a minor.

Listen, this isn't a great time.

Little guy, stringy hair.

Look at these idiots.

Look at this.

Look at this.

Look away.

Look, I'm trying to find Amelia.

Look, if you come in here, you beat up on me, you trash the place,

Look, pal, you already got our statements.

Look, there's 20 bucks in there, all right? Just take it.

Look, they got away with it. Big surprise, you know?

Look, we got a problem on nine.

Look, you gotta stop and think about this, all right?

Look...

Love. Grand, isn't it?

Made the newspapers.

Mademoiselle Blanche replied politely but with reserve.

MAN: An incredible 210 brake horsepower.

MAN: Come on, baby, keep dancing!

MAN: Hey, there's a line, asshole!

MAN: Johnny's car!

MAN: Join us!

MAN: Oh, fuck! Fuck!

MAN: Oh, shit.

MAN: Okay, Holly...

MAN: You drunk motherfucker, you.

MAN: You know why they call them killer bees, don't you?

March, March, he's our man. If he can't do it, no one can.

March!

March!

March! Wake up!

March.

Marriage is buying a house for someone you hate.

Marriage?

Maybe smoking the reefer?

Maybe the goddamn birds can't breathe.

Maybe then I'd feel good in the morning.

Maybe they should get married.

Maybe they're both telling the truth.

Maybe. What's it to you?

MC: Welcome to Los Angeles and the 1978 Pacific Coast Auto Show.

Me, too. (SNIFFS) But I get it now.

Me? No.

Mentioned how?

Messenger service.

Michigan works.

Michigan.

Missing?

Misty Mountains?

MISTY: I might be persuaded to change my mind.

Mom kept on complaining about a leak in the furnace,

Money again, right? Mammon, that's her god.

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

Motor City Pride.

Mr. Healy, if you kill this man, I will never speak to you again.

Mr. Healy, what are you doing?

Mr. Healy?

Mr. March, I just got a call from Judith.

Mr. March.

Mr. March...

Mrs. Glenn, be reasonable.

MRS. GLENN: I'm telling you, I saw her, Mr. March.

MRS. GLENN: Please stop talking.

MRS. GLENN: There. There. That's the window.

MRS. GLENN: Well, I don't know what to say.

Mrs. Glenn.

Mrs. Kuttner, why do you think everyone involved with this film is dying?

München. Munich. Yeah.

Munich is a city in Germany.

Munich.

My folks, they told me to reach for the stars,

My fucking gun.

My mom found out.

My mom's supposed to be working for the Justice Department, right?

My sister kicked us out. She's having a guy over.

My wife, she used to say I make a living off rumpy pumpy.

Name's Amelia.

Names and dates and everything, everything that my mom was doing,

NARRATOR: Bart, Sarah and Jonathan are spending their leisure day at the city pool.

Never.

Never.

NEWSCASTER: Good morning, Los Angeles.

Nixon!

No animals in the house, sweetheart.

No desk there now.

No, different John Boy.

No, his name was Sid... Sid Hatrack. Yeah.

No, I didn't, Janet.

No, I said smart move. Different.

No, I...

No, I... (STUTTERS)

No, I'm just looking for my gun.

No, I'm not here for that. I told you, I'm a messenger.

No, it was Mom and Dad's.

No, it was Mom and Dad's.

No, it was told to me by a wise old Indian.

No, no, no, no.

No, she paid me up front, actually, you know.

No, there's a couple. Doctor?

No, you haven't.

No!

No! (GRUNTING)

No! No!

No. Anyway, you know, Nixon's driving around one day around San Clemente.

No. It'll take too long.

No. My associate's out looking for him now.

No. No, you just gave her up.

No. Sucker punched your dad.

Nobody wants to see your dick, dude.

Nobody's getting killed at the Burbank Airport Hotel.

Nobody's name is Hatrack.

None of us do.

Nope.

Not a movie. The movie.

Not enough evidence of collusion, you see.

Not especially.

Not especially.

Not me. I got this guy in a local retirement park.

Not often.

Not really, Chet.

Not the fish. Come on.

Nothing changes, just like you said.

Now he's gonna kill that private cop and his whole fucking family.

Now we just gotta find that fucking Chet before John Boy does.

Now we just have to find it.

Now you're getting the carpet all wet.

Now you're getting the carpet all wet.

Now, ahem, I got one more thing I need to ask you before we're done here.

Now, did he think that's normal, right, that before they die everybody sees Nixon?

Now, even if I knew something, I wouldn't tell you, kid.

Now, I'm very sorry that you didn't get the message.

Now, tell me, are you willing to find God?

Now, then, Nurse Holly, how's our patient?

Now, we can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way.

Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can...

Now, what was that bonus payment?

Now, your buddy, that was the problem, he wasn't reasonable.

Now!

Number 22 12.

Nurse Holly.

Of course I fucking witnessed it.

Of course not.

Of course.

OFFICER: Sir? Sir, are you all right?

OFFICER: What do you want me to do with them?

Officer.

Oh, all right.

Oh, boys, boys.

Oh, don't start that crying shit.

Oh, excuse me. I'm carrying a dead body and I have his schwantz in my face.

Oh, for fuck...

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God. What the fuck?

Oh, hour, tops.

Oh, it just makes sense.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, that's Jessica.

Oh, no. Shit!

Oh, right, right.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, so when's the last time you were on national news?

Oh, the fire.

Oh, the fire.