School for Scoundrels (2006) Edit

A gay?

A lion with balls lots of balls.

A little mystery never hurt anybody.

A lot.

A medical conference which did not exist, by the way

A shepherd has to pluck a sheep from the herd

A tape of that documentary. Um...

Abort mission.

About maybe someday you'll teach the class?

About national security, don't you, Lois?

Act like a man, will you?

Actually, I have a better idea.

Actually, it went pretty well at first.

After you empty your locker,

Agents Stryker and Gaylord.

Ah, I'm sorry.

Ah, the East River.

Ah, you look good.

Ah!

Aka suck it!

Alive ten minutes before you're gonna eat it?

All I know is, last night,

All of my underwear is gone.

All right, I will.

All right, I'll be back in a little bit.

All right, listen up,

All right, man.

All right, we'll talk later.

All right?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Okay.

All the kids look up to me it's pretty cute.

Alone.

Amanda Richards?

Amanda,

Amanda, look, I did it for his own good.

Amanda!

Amanda...

And all the terrible things you've done to people.

And ate a Cinnabon and went home.

And become something entirely new.

And challenge him.

And fell into a pile of ass whupping, y'all.

And for you?

And gave us back our dignity, remember?

And he gave me a swirly.

And he told her he was some fancy pants doctor.

And he's...

And his standard issue New Balance sneakers.

And how does a glass of champagne sound?

And I never spray painted your dog.

And I want to know what's going on.

And I'm exercising my authority per statue 8 12...

And I'm just looking for some last minute advice.

And if that's not enough,

And it says

And look at me, dude.

And she went for it, hook, line and sinker.

And she would hate it if she thought

And sometimes I get these panic attacks where I...

And success.

And that comes to a grand total of

And then eat them and stab yourself, Dahmer?

And then flushes it on your face.

And then, all of a sudden,

And those who can't,

And those who eat shit, like you.

And unhook my goddamn car!

And what did you want?

And what would that be pertaining to?

And you got the tit.

And you know what?

And you sealed it with a unicorn.

And you set your sights on Lesher.

And you'll never see me again.

And you're getting your money's worth.

And, uh, done pretty well in the field.

And?

Another thing

Anyway, when I got back, there was nothing

Are you gonna face the door the whole night, or...?

Are you guys a bunch of retards?

Are you kidding?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you... crying?

Aren't you getting your master's in English?

Aren't you supposed to turn this thing on?

Aren't you, Roger?

As far as Amanda knows,

As, like, a guest speaker or something.

At any time,

At least.

Aw, man, you okay?

Bad for myself, you know,

Barry.

Be a good boy.

Be at the Learning Annex at 8:00 p.m.

Because do you know what the lion's most powerful weapon is?

Because he's sick.

Because I think he's doing the same thing to me.

Because I'm in surgery all day tomorrow, okay?

Because you need to hear the truth.

Becky thinks that any guy that even talks to a girl

Becky, get some help.

Becky, please.

Becky.

Before I beat the black off you.

Before it gets any better understand that.

Besides, he's gonna be working most of the time.

Besides, I'm redoing my kitchen.

Besides, Lesher might **** you.

Besides...

Between those shorts and that little ass truck,

Blink twice if you can hear me!

Bought two first class tickets to Miami.

Brand new racket.

Breathe deeply.

Bring Amanda straight to the airport you got 25 minutes.

But do you actually think

But he got too good, too fast.

But he is kind of old.

But I can't do it alone.

But I can't go on like this.

But I do have 'em.

But I got a suspicion

But I kind of have a situation.

But I used to watch her... a lot.

But I'm keeping the sneakers.

But I'm not that way.

But if you could just imagine, if I...

But look at me now, man.

But starting tonight, we're going to shed our skin

But the department has some pretty strict rules

But then, I took a good long, hard look in the mirror,

But this ends now, okay?

But we're going to fix that.

But you just got to keep an open mind.

But, hey, I got good news.

But...

Bye.

Bye.

C Can I please have it back?

Call it... or burn it.

Call security.

Calm down.

Can I ask you something?

Can I at least talk to him?

Can I get you some water or something?

Can I have the keys, please?

Can we please just get everyone laid first?

Can you, uh, describe them for me?

Careful.

Casanova's really pulling out all the stops today.

Check it out.

Check that out.

Cindy,

City make you wear them shorts?

Clear!

Come on through.

Come on, come on.

Come on, Eli.

Come on, faggots!

Come on, get them.

Come on, Roger, we know you broke in.

Come on, Roger.

Come on, sit.

Come on, stay with me.

Congrats.

Congratulations, you're already my worst student.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Copy that, Road Force.

Copy that, Walrus.

Correct.

Could do a lot of damage in the city

Could someone explain to me how one

Could you please just get her?

Dahmer plays tennis?

Damn, came out of nowhere.

Damn!

Dear Sergeant Morehead,

Deep breath.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Definitely shelter, though to be honest,

Dennis, um, is a friend of mine.

Dennis! Oh, my...!

Deserve respect.

Dewey?

Did you really tackle him?

Did you say he stole your shoes?

Diego,

Diego, it's Roger.

Diego, stop scratching your nuts.

Do what I say instead.

Do you always rat out your friends that quickly?

Do you have a problem with me?

Do you hear that?

Do you really want to risk everything?

Do you think

Do you think a lion asks for a promotion?

Do you think I'm a lion?

Does a lion wait for approval?

Don't be early, but be on time.

Don't hesitate!

Don't look around, Lois; look at me...

Don't look at me.

Don't make me start praying, boy.

Don't make this weird, Roger.

Don't touch me.

Don't worry everything's going to be okay.

Don't you have any self respect?

Downside of the fire is it's real easy

Dr. P did you hurt him?

Dr. P is a pretty cool guy.

Dr. P saw this and just destroyed him.

Dr. P specifically said manila.

Dr. P wants to talk to you.

Dr. P was going to teach me how to get her.

Dr. P.

Dr. Sherman has a surprise for you.

Dude, this is not cool.

Easy!

Eeny, meeny,

Eli, what do you got?

End of the hall.

Envelopes.

Every lobster's dream.

Every man for himself.

Every once in a while,

Every time I start feeling lonely or...

Everything I'm gonna tell her

Everything all right?

Everything else goes away.

Everything was going so well between us.

Everything you said is true, isn't it?

Everything?

Everything's gonna be all right.

Everything's spinning.

Excellent.

Excellent.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me, um, s sir?

Excuse me, um, will every class run

Excuse me.

Eyes off me!

Falcon. Come in, Falcon.

Fine.

Fine. Give me the flowers.

Fine. What would you call it?

First fault. Sorry.

Five minutes and 25...

Flight leaves tomorrow morning.

For me to spot you from the air with that.

For new student registration, please press one.

For the first time in my life,

For the last time,

For the past 15 years,

Forget your past lives, gentlemen.

Friends are just obstacles that stand between you

From adopting a Chinese kid together.

From him.

From now on, we wear sunglasses.

From this point on, you're all lions.

Fuck nice.

Game on, Roger.

Geez, you scared me, Roger.

Get away.

Get it off you!

Get it off!

Get over it, asshole.

Get your behinds home now.

Gets an handjob out of this, I'm a miracle worker.

Getting a place together, down at the shore.

Give him back his damn shoes

Give me a dollar; I want a Danish.

Give me back my cherry Danish.

Give you this ticket, I ain't gonna make my quota.

Go ahead, shoot me.

Go ahead.

Go back to work!

Go back to your room, honey.

Go north, little man.

God, I'm...

God, it's so good to talk to someone about books.

God!

God.

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it.

Going somewhere?

Going to Miami.

Gonna play some tennis or something?

Good morning, ma'am.

Good night.

Good one, Ernie emu.

Good.

Goodness.

Got my peepers on the party.

Got to take what's yours.

Gotcha.

Great. Yeah.

Guys like Dr. P, they can have anyone they want.

Hand me the paddles, come on.

Happens, you know?

Have a nice flight.

Have dinner Friday night with me?

Have you ever been drunk before?

Have you seen Wally around?

Have...

Haven't you done enough to us already?!

Hawk.

He already shot me!

He complimented her.

He complimented her.

He dumps her.

He is.

He just fainted.

He kicked me out.

He ****d you, didn't he?

He runs this thing.

He shot...

He suckered her in with some bull crap story

He takes it!

He takes it!

He thinks this whole thing is a game.

He thinks you flew off with his girlfriend.

He threw down his racket.

He wants a new big brother.

He was mad.

He was, he was a quick learner, he was made for this stuff.

He was, he was a quick learner, he was made for this stuff.

He's a widower; be nice.

He's also extremely competitive.

He's breathing.

He's breathing.

He's faking, man.

He's he's he's fine, he's fine. Uh...

He's just getting ready to move that, man.

He's teaching you whatever it is you need to learn.

He's totally taken me under his wing.

He's very real.

Heads up.

Hell you doing here, boy?

Hell, you even kissed my girl.

Hello, Lesher.

Hello!

Hello!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Helped you?

Helps me think.

Here you go one chamomile tea.

Here you go, that's $80 that should cover it.

Here, sit in my chair.

Here.

Here's how the game works.

Hey, Amanda.

Hey, boy, get your ass out of that box!

Hey, come on, Jerry, off of there.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hold on a minute.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, take it down.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

Hey, hey.

Hey, I'm I'm sorry.

Hey, Ian.

Hey, Lesher.

Hey, no chitchat!

Hey, no way. I got a swirly, too.

Hey, partner.

Hey, read the sign: No eating in the pool.

Hey, Rog, I don't think I can make that.

Hey, Rog?

Hey, Roger! Hold up, man.

Hey, Roger.

Hey, Roger.

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, where you going?

Hey, you okay?

Hey, you want a biscotti?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! You guys!

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hi, Becky. I got you some flowers.

Hi, I'm calling about...

Hi, Roger.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Um, so...

High powered paintball guns.

His dad just got shot in the heart, all right?

His name is Ian Winsky.

His name was Lonnie Ratcliff. All right?

His name's not Dennis, it's Dr. P.

His uniform

Hit a few balls.

Hold the elevator! Hold the elev...

Honey... honey, I...

How about instead of your shoes,

How are we looking, people?

How could you?

How do I look?

How do I look?!

How do you deal with it?

How do you explain this?

How sad is that?

How will you even know if we follow the orders?

How would you like to die, man?

How would you like to die?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? Uh, yeah, yeah.

Huh?!

Huh.

I actually feel like I have a shot.

I always get the last Danish.

I always push things.

I always saw you more as a flannel pj's kind of guy.

I am in love with you.

I am over it!

I am sorry, Dennis.

I asked you a question are... you... a... loser?

I brought her something.

I can really use your help.

I can't understand what you're saying.

I can't.

I challenge you to become a man, and here you are

I come here a lot.

I could describe mine.

I did the same damn thing to him.

I didn't like what I saw.

I didn't write the letter!

I didn't write the letter.

I don't believe you.

I don't blame you. They're addictive.

I don't care if she is my mother,

I don't have a ticket! Okay?

I don't know what his... problem is.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know, if I...

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Who is this guy?

I don't think I could sleep tonight.

I don't understand.

I don't want him near her.

I don't want to be a shepherd anymore.

I don't want your money.

I dropped her off ten minutes ago.

I feel a little dizzy.

I feel like all my friends want to do is talk about bad TV.

I feel very, um,

I felt the same way when I started,

I figure, hey, why not take the bump on the paycheck.

I forgot something upstairs.

I get it, you know?

I get nervous, you had my heart going all fast.

I get these panic attacks sometimes, that's all.

I give you a standard issue beat down

I got her some tickets to a play.

I got this.

I got to get going.

I got to go.

I got to go.

I got to see Dahmer play tennis.

I got to see where this thing takes me.

I guess I meant, you know, how did he do it?

I guess it wasn't sexy enough for them or whatever.

I guess we all can't be lions.

I had a nice time tonight.

I had nothing.

I had the craziest driver on the way here.

I had this guy I know

I had to sleep in a Kinko's.

I hate him.

I have a little something called pride.

I have a question.

I have a question.

I have an idea why don't we play doubles?

I have ever read.

I have plenty of competition in my life, okay?

I have something for you.

I have to find out

I have to go, so thanks.

I heard someone coming and...

I heard we got a new dress code around here.

I heard you say balls, like, ten times.

I hope he's not our teacher.

I I did.

I I don't want you to take another fall.

I I hear Doctor all day long in surgery,

I I look into the eyes

I I mean,

I Is this a recording?

I just have a few more questions.

I just pass out sometimes.

I just tend to go with the flow.

I just think he is.

I just want to talk to her.

I knew he was a psycho from day one.

I know exactly what you mean.

I know these guys. They're not cops.

I know what's going on, and I think it's awful, okay?

I know you are; you're his golden boy.

I know, right?

I know.

I know.

I know.

I lie.

I like it here.

I like this guy.

I lost my job yesterday.

I loved the dad comment.

I mean, a rich, powerful bachelor

I mean, crushed his whole world.

I mean, Dr. P could have any woman in the world,

I mean, enough is enough.

I mean, he doesn't like showboats.

I mean, is he for real?

I mean, maybe it's time to stop chasing rainbows, buddy.

I mean, no offense, but...

I mean, really well written.

I mean, should I jump in and confront the guy,

I mean, um...

I mean, what if I'm next?

I might be allergic to some of those weeds.

I never broke into your apartment.

I never said my class was easy.

I paid you for this class.

I really like your hair. It's...

I really should get going.

I received one of those as well.

I repeat, abort mission.

I run this entire place.

I s slipped up.

I said stay back.

I saw you with Amanda,

I shot Lesher!

I swear, if one of you

I tend to get very,

I think he's a jerk, too.

I think he's taking Amanda.

I think I can do some good,

I think it'd be a big help for you.

I think it's you.

I think we just missed the, um, exit for the airport.

I thought I had it.

I thought those questionnaires are supposed to be confidential.

I thought we were friends.

I thought you guys were my friends.

I told you the man's a genius.

I took the quiz.

I totally love you.

I totally love you.

I tried getting tough with my roommate.

I tried, but I'm not even sure I understand

I used to be a pilot in the Air Force.

I used to be like... you, you know?

I volunteer at the Big Brothers program.

I want my wife to stop abusing me.

I want the tit!

I want the tit.

I want to get away from all this craziness for a while.

I want to see some goddamn lions!

I want to talk to you about Wally for a second.

I want to.

I was feeling sorry for myself.

I was just about to knock.

I was weak, all right?

I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute.

I wasn't happy with who I was, so I took a class...

I will kill you.

I wish I was from there.

I would never do that.

I would never do this. You know that.

I... I don't want to be a bother anymore, you know?

I... I was reading through my employee benefits,

I'd like to meet with a counselor.

I'd like to move out of my mother's basement

I'd stay in the class.

I'll catch you on the flip side.

I'll find...

I'll start kicking your ass, boy. What...

I'm a good man, and I

I'm awesome.

I'm babbling.

I'm being set up.

I'm certified.

I'm counseling.

I'm dating two different Asian chicks.

I'm doing this, okay?

I'm fine.

I'm fine. I could totally stand.

I'm going to have to let you go.

I'm going to walk out the door and start over.

I'm gonna need another beer.

I'm here because I need your help.

I'm here to help, okay?

I'm here.

I'm hungry.

I'm impressed.

I'm just gonna tell her.

I'm like the wind.

I'm living proof.

I'm not allowed to.

I'm not bluffing.

I'm not crazy.

I'm not done.

I'm not here to hurt you.

I'm offering you a truce.

I'm okay.

I'm ready to live the life that I deserve.

I'm really just a nice guy?

I'm sick of looking at your faces.

I'm so sorry for getting you into any of this.

I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry. That's awful.

I'm sorry, Agent Stryker, and, um, um...

I'm sorry, I just...

I'm sorry, I...

I'm sorry, Roger.

I'm sorry, what was that?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure you're just days away

I'm telling you, this class is going to be

I'm the assigned counselor for District 240.

I'm trying to read the paper.

I've got to tell you,

I've got two chicks back at my place who think I'm Moby.

If I get the class, you know, up and going again,

If I were you, I'd try to find a weapon of some type.

If I were you...

If some asshole wants to talk about his goddamn French test,

If you can't do that, you know, you don't deserve her anyway.

If you fail

If you...

If you're looking for Chicken Soup for the Soul,

In a plain manila envelope.

In a room full of weak men, you stand alone as the weakest.

In fact,

In front of all these nice people, huh?

In this room who's willing to scream for anything anymore.

Into the traffic lane.

Is Amanda here?

Is anything missing?

Is everything okay?

Is he here?

Is he okay?

Is one of the smartest people in the world.

Is that my wallet?

Is that really necessary?

Is that really the life we deserve?

Is there any other sense you got?

Is this your dad?

Is your wife even dead?

It didn't have to go this far.

It happens so often.

It happens so often.

It happens.

It is time to kill or be killed.

It just seems like a big step.

It let's the man know he's worthy of leading.

It makes no sense.

It must have been a ricochet.

It says here to maintain a minimum distance

It was a shit job anyway.

It was all about Australia you would have loved it.

It was so...

It's a full time job, making exactly

It's a good day, huh?

It's a refund.

It's a slam dunk.

It's all gonna be okay.

It's all right, come on.

It's all right, man, it's... it's okay, it's...

It's all right.

It's been a bad month.

It's called an analogy, moron.

It's gonna get a whole lot worse

It's gross.

It's half your tuition.

It's hard enough.

It's hard to say.

It's his roar.

It's in the system.

It's just a panic attack. He gets these a lot.

It's just an idea of something bad

It's just so hard.

It's just, I don't know,

It's just, the way you squint when you're nervous,

It's kind of complicated.

It's like Dr. P says

It's mandatory for operating a parking rover.

It's not even a step.

It's not just Wally,

It's not what I do.

It's okay, sweetie, it's not your fault.

It's okay! I'm here!

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's on.

It's only 400 miles to Maine.

It's over between us; I've moved on.

It's probably me; you know, I...

It's quiet helps me think.

It's so funny I I parallel those values.

It's so not a big deal.

It's supposed to be a great issue.

It's that roar that enables the lion

It's the first diploma I've ever given out.

It's time to be part of something bigger.

It's time you guys got your shit together.

It's true, we all do.

It's when someone dunks your head in the toilet

It's who I am.

It's your move... Doctor.

It's, um...

It's... everything.

Jesus Christ, Diego, you got to be shitting me.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus, that's an easy takedown.

Jesus.

JFK, please.

JFK, right?

Just back off!

Just be careful, all right?

Just consider it a graduation present, Roger.

Just drive!

Just get the fuck out of here.

Just keep your hands where I can see them, sir.

Just press it.